On Monday Brian Haddon and I got together at my place to rehearse for our Wednesday feature at Fat Albert’s.
Wednesday, 6 May 2026
Tuesday, 5 May 2026
Bing Crosby
On Monday morning I posted a photo on my Boris Vian Facebook page but when I tried to post a link to my blog as I ‘ve done hundreds of times, Facebook blocked me and wanted me to confirm my identity. I spent the next hour and a half trying figure out how to do that. It either involved uploading a copy of my government issued identification or using a Google pin number. I tried to do that but that was a rabble hole as well. I gave up for today.
I weighed 89.3 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since last Monday.
I played my Martin acoustic for song practice and it went out of tune during every song.
I weighed 89.8 kilos before lunch.
In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. It was 21 degrees and I wore my long sleeved shirt unbuttoned on top of my tank top. But it was actually chilly riding north and so I buttoned my shirt. Heading east though I unbuttoned it again.
I weighed 89.45 kilos at 17:45.
I was caught up in my journal at 18:29.
I finished the digitization of the cassette tape I started working on yesterday of a rehearsal with Donna Bartkiw and another with Brian Haddon. I had to record with the microphone to the speaker for this tape but the sound comes out of different speakers for different sections. For the digitization of Donna’s song I needed to put the mic to the left speaker but the final conversation about meeting for the performance at The Riot Gallery came out of the right speaker. Anyway, that’s done. Next I’ll digitize the recording of my performance at Fat Albert’s accompanied by Brian Haddon on recorder back in 1996.
I had a small potato with gravy and my last three chicken drumsticks while watching season 5, episode 7 of The Carol Burnett Show.
During audience warmup someone asks Carol what she would want to reincarnate as. She says Raquel Welch.
The first skit is The Old Folks, Molly and Burt starring Carol and Harvey. They will be leaving soon for the Veterans Day parade. Burt is wearing his WWI uniform. They are sitting in their rockers and Burt is reminiscing about a girl he met in France. He starts singing “Mademoiselle from Armentières” perhaps written by Canadians Edward Rowland and Gitz Rice. Then he sings “Over There” by George M. Cohan, and Molly says “It’s over over here too”. Henry comes in his officer’s uniform and sits with them. He’ll be marching in the parade with Burt but he won’t let Burt forget he was his commanding officer. Henry laments that no one cares about WWI vets but Molly says they do and they begin singing “Before the Parade Passes By” by Jerry Herman from the 1964 musical Hello Dolly.
Bing Crosby sings “Put a Little Love in Your Heart” by Jackie de Shannon, Jimmy Holiday, and Randy Myers. He then sings “Love They Neighbour” by Mack Gordon and Harry revel from the 1934 film We’re Not Dressing starring Bing Crosby.
In As the Stomach Turns Marion is saying goodbye to her portrait painter. He says he’s never painted anyone in the nude before. He usually keeps his clothes on.
Mel Torment the town masochist comes to visit. He tricks her into slamming the door on his hand and then puts his hand in the way as she pours him hot coffee. He begs her to beat him. he says he hates his wife because she’s an angel. Father Sarge the policeman who became a priest comes by to give Marian a ticket for double parking. He says last week he raided his own bingo game. Harvey arrives in drag as a Jewish mother named Marcus and Carol has to turn her head away from the camera to hide her laughing. Marcus tells Mel he knows nothing about suffering since he doesn’t have children. She offers him chicken soup for his problem. He refuses to have any and so she spanks him with a frying pan and he begs for more.
Carol approaches Bing and he starts singing a poem the source of which I can’t find: “Pause time in they flight / a vision of such loveliness appears within my sight / Such diffident humility is quite a rare delight”. They perform the song “Sing”, which was written by Joe Raposo for Sesame Street in 1971 and was a hit for the Carpenters. Then they sing “Get Happy” by Harold Arlen and Ted Koehler from the 1930 musical The Nine-Fifteen Revue.
Carol introduces the Ernie Flatt Dancers one by one: Carl Jablonski, Don Crichton, Stan Mazin, Ed Kerrigan, Eddie Heim, Roy Smith, Bobbie Bates, Patti Tribble, Shirley Kirkes, Kathie King, Gerri Reddick, and Bonnie Evans. They do an energetic dance to a funky instrumental with the only lyric “Feelin so good”.
The rest of the show is the story The Drunkard’s Daughter. Carol plays the daughter and Bing plays the drunkard. She believes he’s given up demon rum but he’s sneaky. She is playing piano and it sounds wrong. She finds a hidden bottle inside. She reminds him that he promised her late mother that he would give it up. He says he’ll take this instrument of the devil and throw it into the flame. He tosses his late wife’s portrait into the fireplace. Meany and Moe the villainous bankers come to foreclose on the house. They are played by Harvey Korman and Paul Lynde, and Harvey again imitates Lynde’s distinctive voice. The audience boos. The bankers say “Boos don’t bother us”. The drunkard says, “Booze don’t bother me either”. They offer to save the home if they can both marry the daughter. They try to take her by force but then Sergeant Jack Strongheart of the Mounties arrives played by Lyle. Meanie and Moe take the drunkard to the tavern to get him drunk so he will sign over the house and his daughter. At the tavern Vicki plays a French showgirl called The Painted Lady. The daughter tries to stop the bankers with the help of Strongheart. The bankers get the Painted Lady to tempt the Mountie. He asks the audience how he should choose between an hour of passion and a life of happiness and they cheer for the daughter. Strongheart tells the daughter, “I’ll see you in an hour”. She tells the bankers she’ll marry both of them and seals the deal with a drink and gets them drunk. A bunch of anti-booze women come in and smash up the place. Everybody repents including the Painted Lady.
Bing Crosby played drums for a high school dance band called the Musicaladers for two years until 1925. In 1925 he played with The Clemmer Trio providing musical soundtracks for silent films in movie theatres. He started studying law but was more interested in playing drums for a jazz band. He moved to LA with Al Rinker and their syncopated music was very popular with college students. From 1929 to 1930 he was with the Rhythm Boys in New York. He became a lead singer for several popular big bands like Bix Beiderbeck, Tommy Dorsey, and Hoagy Carmichael. In 1928 he had his first #1 hit with “Ol’ Man River”. The Rhythm Boys appeared in the film King of Jazz. The president of CBS heard a record of Bing singing “I Surrender Dear” and he put him on the radio. In 1931 the radio show “Fifteen Minutes with Bing Crosby” became a hit. “Out of Nowhere”, “At Your Command” and “I Found a Million Dollar Baby in a Five and Ten Cent Store” were among the biggest hits of the year. He became a radio star which led to his appearance in the film The Big Broadcast in 1932 featuring radio stars. He became a movie star. He made money during the Depression while other stars floundered. He helped to save the phonograph record business from collapsing. He hosted Kraft Music Hall from 1936 to 1946 and his popular theme song “Where the Blue of the night Meets the Gold of the Day” featured his trademark whistling. Whereas before, singers had to belt out songs without microphones in theatres, Crosby popularized crooning and phrasing (giving equal emphasis to the words and music). He wrote or co-wrote the lyrics for 22 songs. The biggest hit among those was “I Don’t Stand a Ghost of a Chance With You”. He had 41 #1 hits. He did a series of Road comedies with Bob Hope. He was the most popular performer for troops fighting in WWII. The day after he introduced a song on the radio at least 50,000 copies were sold. He won an Academy Award for his performance in Going My Way in 1944. He starred in The Country Girl, She Loves Me Not, The Bells of St Mary’s (for which he was nominated for an Oscar), Blue Skies, Road to Utopia, Pennies from Heaven, Holiday Inn, The Road to Hong Kong, Road to Singapore, Road to Zanzibar, Road to Morocco, Road to Rio, Road to Bali, The Adventures of Ichabod and Mister Toad, High Time, Now You Has Jazz, Little Boy Lost, Man On Fire, Rhythm on the River, He co-starred in Going Hollywood. At the turn of the century he was the third most popular movie actor in history. He introduced the songs White Christmas (the biggest selling song of all time), Swinging on a Star, and In the Cool Cool Cool of the Evening. He was the first performer to pre-tape his radio shows and to copy his studio recordings onto magnetic tape. With taping he elevated the art of radio production. He invested in the Ampex tape recorder company and gave one to Les Paul with which Paul invented multitrack recording. He also helped to advance the development of videotape. He owned several TV stations. He spent two months in jail for drunk driving around 1930. . He advocated decriminalization of cannabis. In 1948 he was considered the most admired man alive. Bing Crosby Productions produced Ben Casey and Hogan’s Heroes. He owned a lot of stock in Minute Maid and did commercials for the product. He always wore a hat because he was bald by his early thirties. He was notorious for his bad taste in casual clothing. He had 23 gold records and two platinum: White Christmas and Silent Night. He was a big admirer of Louis Armstrong’s voice and Al Jolson’s performing. He helped to expose Armstrong to film audiences. The creators of Columbo wanted Bing to play the detective. He turned it down because he thought it would interfere with his golfing. In his last TV appearance he sang a duet with David Bowie. He died in 1977 while playing golf in Spain after a sold out performance at the London Palladium. He won the match and said “Let’s go get a Coke” before his heart attack. At that time he was the biggest selling recording artist in history. He owned 15% of the Pittsburgh Pirates. His son Gary wrote Going My Own Way, which depicted his father as cruel, cold, and abusive. Two of his sons died by suicide. He said there wasn’t a thing Judy Garland couldn’t do except look after herself.
May 5, 1996: I took my daughter to the playground
My daughter and I went to the playground.
Monday, 4 May 2026
Larry Siegel
On Sunday morning I revised my translation of “Chaussures noires et pompes funèbres” (Black Dress Shoes and Funeral Parlours) by Serge Gainsbourg. I’ll post it on Facebook tomorrow, then I’ll look for the next Gainsbourg song that I failed to translate because the lyrics weren't available. I think that’s the 1972 song “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (My Gigolo is a Giggle).
I weighed 88.45 kilos before breakfast.
I played my Martin acoustic for song practice and it went out of tune during every song.
Around midday I cleaned the warm mist humidifier that’s been running this week and set the other one going. I think last night was the last of the really cold ones before the fall so maybe next Sunday will be the last cleaning I have to do for several months.
I cleaned my bathroom floor because the landlord is coming to take pictures of my place on Tuesday. He claims it’s for insurance purposes but he’s really just looking for evidence to use to evict me.
I weighed 90.1 kilos before lunch. I had saltines with peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar and a glass of iced tea.
In the afternoon I started on a bike ride but it was raining and so I only went as far as Brock and College before turning around and going home.
I weighed 90.15 kilos at 17:10, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the evening since March 7.
I renewed my federal dental plan for another year and Service Canada has increased the security hoops one has to leap through to get it done. There’s now a grid they show you and you have to copy it and then later answer what letters and numbers in the boxes match the coordinates they specify. I got confused and screwed it up at first. I had to refresh my browser to try again.
I was caught up in my journal at 19:00.
I recorded from cassette through audio interface to Audacity a rehearsal of a song by Donna Bartkiw on which I played electric guitar. But the volume was too low so I had to put the mic to the speaker again but this time it was only coming out of the left speaker. I had to play the tape at top volume to record it. This was followed by a rehearsal with Brian Haddon of my song “Sixteen Tons of Dogma” but with a lot of technical problems. The last part of the tape is another rehearsal with Donna but it was coming from the right side of the speaker. I didn’t have time to digitize that part because supper was already done.
I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, two sliced honey garlic sausages, five-year-old cheddar and my last egg.
Before I could eat I got a call from my upstairs neighbour David asking to borrow $100 until tomorrow. He’s always been pretty generous with me and so I really couldn’t refuse. He told me to slip it under his door because he was naked.
I had the pizza with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 5, episode 4 of The Carol Burnett Show.
During the audience warmup a girl asks for Carol’s autograph. Carol writes, “Remember the girl from the city, remember the girl from the town, remember the girl who spoiled your book by writing upside down”.
There was a woman in the audience who said people say she looks like her. Carol has her come up to the stage. I thought she looked more like Vicki Lawrence. Carol says they are going to have a lookalike contest on the show and have the finalists on one of the episodes competing to win.
They do parodies of TV commercials.
Harvey is playing golf when his daughter (played by Cass Elliot) comes up to tell him she only has only one cavity. She brushes her teeth 16 times a day. After every meal. That joke would be in poor taste these days.
Ken’s wife (played by Vickie) is in the shower. She tells him they don’t use soap anymore but use Zesty instead. Ken says “Boy have I got a great little wife!” Lyle sticks his head out of the shower and says, “You can say that again”.
In a parody of a margarine commercial I remember from my early teens, Carol plays Mother Nature when she’s offered some “butter”. She says it’s delicious butter but the announcer tells her it’s margarine. She warns, “It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature!” and she causes lightning and thunder. The announcer asks if she’s ever been fooled before. She says “Just once”, then she turns and there’s a baby carriage behind her.
Three cheerleaders are subjects of an Ivy dishwashing liquid test. One can’t tell from their soft hands which one is 33 years old. Cass Elliot is the 33 year old. She washes her dishes 16 times a day.
There’s another one I remember. Carol hears a voice in the bathroom and it’s coming from her toilet tank. It’s the Hidy Bowl Man in a little rowboat (A parody of the Tidy Bowl Man). She flushes him.
Cass Elliot sings “There’s a Lull in My Life” by Mack Gordon and Harry Revel from the 1937 film Wake Up and Live.
There’s a George and Zelda skit in which George is watching a western movie and Zelda nags him about it. He escapes to a fantasy in which he’s a sheriff in the wild west. Vicki plays a saloon girl in love with him. He learns that Black Bart is after him for a shoot out. Then Zelda invades his fantasy and humiliates him. When Black Bart arrives she tries to flirt with him but he calls her “Sir”. So she beats him up.
The rest of the show is a parody of a Sonja Henie movie. She was a Norwegian Olympic figure skater who became a movie star in Hollywood in skating themed movies that were big hits. Ken Berry plays a movie songwriter looking for inspiration in Norway where he meets and falls for Sonja Honey. He writes a song about a south sea island sweetie. They sing “If it snows then let it snow on our jungle bungalow we’ll pua pua wikkie wack the whole night through”. He takes her to Hollywood where she becomes a star.
This episode (and 72 others) were co-written by Larry Siegel, who was head writer for four seasons and won three Emmy Awards. His first published work was a poem entitled “Oh Dear What Can Sinatra Be”. He had stories published in Fantasy and Science Fiction. He became Eastern Promotion Manager for Playboy. He became a regular writer of movie parodies in Mad Magazine. He co-wrote the off Broadway musical The Mad Show. That success led to him moving to LA where he was hired to write for Laugh-In. He broke his contract to work for Carol Burnett. He wrote several episodes of That’s My Mama. He was a hero during WWII and he was the only comedy writer to win both an Emmy and a Purple Heart. He taught comedy writing at UCLA for three years and then in his senior years turned to acting and improv.
May 4, 1996: My daughter spent the weekend at my place
Thirty years ago today
On Saturday I picked up my daughter from her mother’s place in Scarborough and she spent the weekend at my place.
Sunday, 3 May 2026
Carol Channing
I finished translating “Chaussures noires et pompes funèbres” (Black Dress Shoes and Funeral Parlours) by Serge Gainsbourg. I just have to revise it now so it makes sense in English.
I weighed 88.45 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since April 17.
I played my Martin acoustic during song practice and it went out of tune during every song.
Around midday I headed out to go to the supermarket. I locked my bike outside and was about to go get my trailer when I ran into my former yoga student at PARC, Moses. We chatted for almost an hour. We were discussing the new federal dental plan and how it’s not enough. They don’t pay for more than one and a half cleanings a year. That should be the most important thing for them to pay for since it would be preventative of all the other tooth problems as well as heart disease. Moses says he does all of his grocery shopping through Amazon.
At No Frills I bought five bags of grapes, three packs of raspberries, some bananas, a watermelon, sea salt, three bags of skim milk, a jug of iced tea, a jug of orange juice, a container of skyr, and two bags of Miss Vickie’s chips.
I weighed 88.9 kilos at 15:35. That’s the kindest I’ve been to the scale since April 15.
I had saltines with peanut butter and five year old cheddar with a glass of iced tea.
I took a siesta and slept for half an hour but was woken by a call from Nick Cushing, who was in the neighbourhood. He said he’d come by in twenty minutes. I tried to sleep some more but couldn’t. I tidied up a bit before and after he arrived. We chatted for about twenty minutes and then he headed out for a birthday celebration at a bar downtown.
I weighed 89 kilos at 18:10.
I was caught up in my journal at 19:49.
I recorded from cassette tape through audio interface to Audacity and extracted to my hard drive the Howl radio show interview I did on CIUT almost thirty years ago. I was promoting my first chapbook “Vomit of the Star Eater” and sang three poems from the book: “The Princess and the Pea happy Song”, “Vomit of the Star Eater” and “Sleep in the Snow”. Tomorrow I’ll do the flip side which has a rehearsal with Brian Haddon and Donna Bartkiw.
I grilled five honey garlic sausages and had one between two halves of a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with ketchup, Dijon, horseradish and a sliced gherkin. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 5, episode 3 of The Carol Burnett Show.
Steve Lawrence sings “In My Own Lifetime” by Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick for the 1970 musical The Rothschilds.
In the Carol and Sis sketch Roger takes Carol to a nudist colony because Joe Schorrin wants to meet there and he’s one of Roger’s biggest clients. Carol does not want to be there and does not want to take her clothes off. To make matters worse she has to compare herself to Joe’s tall, beautiful, and voluptuous wife Inga. Roger finally gets Carol to disrobe and to venture out and talk with Inga while he takes his clothes off. But the cops raid the place because their license ran out a month ago and on top of that the bush Carol is holding against her to hide her nakedness is poison ivy.
Carol Channing sings “Ain’t Misbehavin” by Andy Razaf, Fats Waller and Harry Brooks from 1929; “You’re the Cream in My Coffee” by Ray Henderson, B. G. de Sylva, and Lew Brown from the 1928 musical Hold Everything; and “Button Up Your Overcoat” by the same authors from the 1928 musical Follow Through.
In As the Stomach Turns Marian is kissing her insurance salesman goodbye. He asks if she wants to talk about accident insurance. She says, “That won’t be necessary. I’m on the pill”. Jinx Vandenburg comes to Marian’s door and she causes disasters to happen. Marian’s parked car is wrecked, her table is broken, and her bird dies. Jinx left Canoga Falls after the flood. Sammy the faith healer comes to the door. A man walks in on crutches and crawls out without them after being healed. Sammy draws the curse from Jinx and into his own hand.
The rest of the show is a tribute to Oscar winning movies.
They do a parody of Sorry Wrong Number. Vickie is on the phone with the police telling them about a home invader. She is terrified until she sees how good looking the man is and then she tells the police she’ll call them back.
Carol Channing plays Jennifer Jackson, an Oscar winner whose speech lasts several months until they carry her away.
A parody of The Story of Louis Pasteur in which Louis presents his cure for rabies to the Academy of Science. The chairman moves that they consider his discovery but accidentally breaks the microscope slide with his gavel.
A Parody of The African Queen where Carol plays Hepburn and Steve plays Bogart. She finally gives in to her passion but keeps knocking him overboard. Finally he throws her overboard.
Carol, Harvey, and Steve sing and dance a tribute to the silent films. Carol is made up to look like Buster Keaton and Steve and Harvey are Laurel and Hardy. They sabotage each others ice cream carts. Then they get chased by the Keystone Cops.
Carol Channing was emotionally drawn to the stage since the 4th grade upon seeing Ethel Waters perform. She majored in Drama and Dance in college and performed in plays at Pocono resorts. Her stage debut was in No For an Answer in 1941. She made her Broadway Debut in Let’s Face It. She became a star performer after Lend an Ear in 1948. She introduced the song “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend” in the original Broadway production of Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. She replaced Gracie Allen on stage with George Burns when Gracie started having heart problems. In 1967 she became the first celebrity to perform in the Superbowl Halftime Show. She won a Tony for her starring role in Hello Dolly. She was nominated for Tonys for The Vamp, Showgirl, and Lorelei. She made her film debut in Paid in Full in 1950. She made her TV debut on Red Skelton in 1957. She was nominated for an Oscar for her role in Thoroughly Modern Millie. She co-starred in The First Travelling Saleslady (in which she gave Clint Eastwood his first onscreen kiss), and Skidoo. She appeared 11 times on What’s My Line? She was the voice of Grandmama on the animated Addams Family series. Her best selling autobiography was called Just Lucky I Guess. Her trademark blonde hair came from wigs because she was allergic to bleach. Her wide eyed look while performing was due to myopia. Her paternal grandmother was black. She was a Christian Scientist. Her second husband was a Canadian football player named Axe Carson who was also a private detective. He was the father of her only child. She was married to her third husband for 43 years until he died. She was on Richard Nixon’s list of enemies.
May 3, 1996: Cops told us we needed a permit to busk
Thirty years ago today
On Friday I busked on Queen Street with Brian Haddon and some undercover cops told us we needed a permit. Later we performed on the Spit Fridays open stage in the back room of the Cameron.
Saturday, 2 May 2026
Bob Mackie
On Friday morning I continued to edit “Ballade de la chnoufe” by Boris Vian to prepare it for publication on my Christian’s Translations blog. There are only five verses left to edit so I should have it done tomorrow.
I continued translating “Chaussures noires et pompes funèbres” (Black Dress Shoes and Funeral Parlours) by Serge Gainsbourg. I might have at least the first draft done tomorrow.
I weighed 89.05 kilos before breakfast.
I played my Kramer electric during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time.
Around midday I cleaned three bathroom wall tiles of overlapped blue paint from when I painted the trim above them a few weeks ago.
The landlord knocked on my door and accused me of flooding the restaurant downstairs. Five years ago he also claimed I'd flooded the restaurant when there had been no overflow anywhere in my apartment. I said knew nothing about it and there was no overflow in my place. He called me a liar and wanted to come in. I don’t like him in my place so I told him he needed to make an appointment. He said it was an emergency so he could enter but I doubt if it was still leaking downstairs by then. I heard him in the building for at least an hour before he knocked on my door and therefore it was not an emergency or else he would have knocked right away. I wouldn’t let him in and so he embarrassed himself by calling the police. They gave him a number to call but he dialed it wrong and got some private citizen. He finally left and said he’s going to investigate by opening up the ceiling downstairs.
I weighed 90.65 kilos before lunch, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since April 22.
I tried to take a siesta but was too stressed to sleep.
I took a bike ride downtown and back.
I weighed 89.55 kilos at 18:15.
I was caught up in my journal at 19:22.
I recorded from cassette tape through audio interface to Audacity and then extracted to my hard drive a Christian and the Lions rehearsal in a studio near John and Queen in 1994. Tom Smarda played the Stratocaster, Steve Lowe was on acoustic guitar, I was on vocals, and I think it was Jim Bravo on drums. I don’t think Arjan was there on bass but I guess he might have been. Tomorrow I’ll digitize a tape of one of my Howl interviews on CIUT radio.
I deleted about 35 photos from my hard drive.
I made a new batch of gravy from a combination of pork tenderloin and chicken drippings. I had some with a potato and two chicken drumsticks while watching season 4, episode 26 of The Carol Burnett Show.
During the audience warmup four off duty ushers in the audience ask if Vicki would come out and give them all kisses. She comes out wearing a fat suit for a later skit and kisses them.
This is the last show of the season and next year the time slot will be an hour earlier at 20:00.
The first skit shows the time it takes because of problems to shoot a 45 second commercial. A polaroid camera doesn’t work. An orange tree for Florida orange juice falls over. Harvey gets swallowed by a giant crown while eating Imperial margarine. Moist shaving cream is just a plastic white beard. Room deodorizer makes Carol sneeze. Paul Lynd plays the white haired Man from Grad who tries to show a couple how to use Grad sandwich bags and the pieces of the sandwich fly all over the place. Carol puts a dirty shirt in the washer and it comes out wrapped like before it was bought. Seventeen cab drivers have all been shaved with the same razor but number 17 is backstage now getting a transfusion.
The Old Folks, Molly and Burt are at a seniors dance. Emily and Henry sit in rockers beside them. Emily flirts with Burt. Burt says he was around when they first did the Charleston. Molly says, not the dance but the city. They sing the song “Old Folks” from the 1971 musical 70 Girls 70. They and the Ernie Flatt Dancers all dance like old people who don’t move so well.
In the Carol and Sis sketch, Roger is at work and he is short a secretary. Carol tries to fill in while wearing hot pants. Another person’s secretary comes in, doesn’t know Carol is Roger’s wife and calls Roger “Rogie”. Then one of Roger’s colleagues comes in and starts flirting with Carol. Roger confesses that he’s jealous and tell her she looks great in hot pants.
The dancers do their version of Scaramouche.
In As the Stomach Turns, Marian, who usually listens to everybody else’s problems confesses to Nanette Fabray’s character Renee that she is broke. She says she might need to sell herself. Renee says nickels and dimes won’t help. Marian decides she can rent rooms out. Harvey is an actor who comes to rent the room. He casts Renee in a play and takes her to his room to rehearse. Paul Lynd plays a mean banker come to foreclose on Marian’s house. She tries to flirt with him but he gives a subtle indication that he’s gay and that it won’t work on him. He wants to also foreclose on her shoes.
The finale is very similar to the end of season 3 with the Charwoman being kissed goodbye by the cast and then reminiscing about several of the skits that were done throughout the season. Then she sings the longer version of her theme song and walks out of the theatre.
The costumes for The Carol Burnett Show were designed by Bob Mackie, who studied Design and Illustration at the Chouinard Art Institute. He was first hired in the early 60s by NBC as a costume design illustrator. His television debut as a costume designer was The Hollywood Palace in 1964. The first star to hire him to do the costumes for an entire show was Mitzi Gaynor for her Las Vegas act. He designed for the Jubilee Las Vegas Revue. He also did the costumes for The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour, Whitney Houston, almost all of Cher’s performance costumes, Vanna White, and for Elton John. He won nine Emmy Awards, a Tony Award, and three Academy Award nominations (including Lady Sings the Blues). He was called the sultan of sequins, the guru of glitter, and the rajah of rhinestones. He designed special collectors Barbies for Mattel. He had a line of furniture followed by a second line.
May 2, 1996: I worked somewhere as a figure model
Thirty years ago today
On Thursday I probably worked as a figure model but I have no record for whom or where it was.
Friday, 1 May 2026
Bernadette Peters
On Thursday morning I continued to edit “Ballade de la chnoufe” by Boris Vian to prepare it for publication on my Christian’s Translations blog. I might have it finished tomorrow.
I continued translating “Chaussures noires et pompes funèbres” (Black Dress Shoes and Funeral Parlours) by Serge Gainsbourg. These are notes for a movie that was never made about a songwriter trying to write a song that a record company will accept.
I weighed 88.9 kilos before breakfast.
I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time.
I deleted several images from my hard drive.
I weighed 90.25 kilos before lunch.
In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and stopped to pee at the McDonald’s at Yonge and College. On the way home I stopped at Freshco where I bought five bags of grapes, two packs of raspberries, some bananas, a pork tenderloin, a jar of marinara, and a pack of Sponge Towels. I did a price match on the grapes and the raspberries with the Food Basics deals of $6.59 a kilo for the grapes and $1.88 a pack for the raspberries. The cashier Maryama seemed annoyed at having to do a price match.
I weighed 89.55 kilos at 19:05.
I was caught up in my journal at 20:09.
I recorded from cassette tape through audio interface to Audacity a Christian and the Lions rehearsal with Brian Haddon. At first I couldn’t get a waveform. I fast forwarded the tape then rewound it but there was still no signal. After I fiddled with the line-in jack a bit it started to show. I didn’t have a chance to listen to it because it was time for supper. Tomorrow I’ll listen and if it’s okay I’ll export it to my hard drive.
I grilled seven chicken drumsticks and had two with a potato and the last of my gravy while watching season 4, episode 24 of The Carol Burnett Show.
During the audience warmup someone asks Carol her favourite character and she says Zelda the nagging wife.
Twin girl scouts come up and want to give Carol Girl Scout cookies but she buys them and also makes a donation of $20, which would be like $200 now.
Bernadette Peters sings “Tea For Two” by Vincent Youmans and Irving Caesar from No No Nanette 1924 while tap dancing with Don Crichton. A lot of singers can dance a bit and a lot of dancers can sing okay but she’s uniquely very good at both, while acting at the same time. No wonder she’s such a big star on Broadway.
In the first skit Carol plays a tomboy and Bernadette a frilly and snooty little girl. Bernadette tells Carol she didn’t invite her to her party but Carol says she wouldn’t go anyway because she hates parties. Bernadette asks how she knows she hates them since she’s never been to one. Carol says she knows they play kissing games. Carol meets Bernadette's third boyfriend this week who's a sissy played by Harvey. They leave and then Carol meets a boy scout played by Lyle, who’s the brother of Harvey’s character and they like each other. He invites her to be his date at Bernadette’s party but neither of them has ever kissed and so they practice. They pucker up with their eyes closed first and then bump their foreheads together.
Mike Douglas sings “(Where Do I Begin) Love Story” by Francis Lai and Carl Sigman from 1971.
The acting couple Funt and Mundane are performing a play called “Out of the Blue” in a barn in Nebraska. Mosquitos, bad weather and farm animals make their performances a slapstick disaster.
Carol tells Mike that every housewife in the country is in love with him. He says the feeling is mutual and he’d like to give each of them a kiss. Carol reminds Mike that she’s a housewife and so he kisses her. They sing “I Think I Love You” by Tony Romeo from 1970, which was a hit for The Partridge Family. Then they sing “For All We Know” by Fred Karlin, Robb Royer and Jimmy Griffin from the movie Lovers and Other Strangers. It was most famously done by The Carpenters.
There’s a parody of the musical The Most Happy Fella. Old Greek Nick gets a mail order bride named Stella who falls for Nick’s handyman Jerry. They feel a literal magnetic pull to each other which they resist until they finally start making out in the hay where Nick catches them. Nick tries to shoot Jerry but misses and kills Stella. Then Nick and Jerry do a Greek dance together.
Some retired Broadway performers read about the resurgent success of the 1919 musical No No Nanette and so they think their kind of musical could be big again and there’s a chance for them. They sing and dance to “Broadway My Street” from the 1971 musical 70 Girls 70 by John Kander and Fred Ebb.
Bernadette Peters’ show business career began on Juvenile Jury at the age of 3.5. She got her Actors Equity card at the age of 9. Her stage debut was in This is Goggle. She attended Quinatono’s School for Young Professionals. She recorded her first single in 1962. She made her Broadway debut in Johnny No Trump in 1967. She starred in the original Broadway productions of Sunday in the Park with George, Mack and Mabel, and Into the Woods. She has been nominated for seven Tonys and won two (For Song and Dance and Annie Get Your Gun). She co-starred in the sitcom All’s Fair and was nominated for a Golden Globe. She appeared 11 times on The Carol Burnett Show. She hosted Saturday Night Live in 1981. She was nominated for Emmys for her guest appearances on The Muppet Show and Ally McBeal. She had a recurring character on Ugly Betty. She was the voice and singing voice of Rita the Stray cat on Animaniacs. She co-starred in Silent Movie, The Jerk, Pennies from Heaven (for which she won the Golden Globe), Pink Cadillac, She starred in Slaves of New York, Coming Up Roses, . She was the youngest performer to be inducted into the Theatre Hall of Fame. She’s considered to be the foremost interpreter of the works of Stephen Sondheim. She co-hosted the Tony Awards in 2002. She’s recorded three albums and three of them have been nominated for Grammys. She had a top 40 hit with “Gee Whiz”. She’s written three children’s, all of them featuring dogs. She was in a relationship with Steve Martin for four years.
May 1, 1996: Brian and I rehearsed for next week's feature at Fat Albert's
On Wednesday I rehearsed with Brian Haddon for our upcoming features at Fat Albert’s and the Art Bar reading series.
Thursday, 30 April 2026
Chita Rivera
I continued translating “Chaussures noires et pompes funèbres” (Black Dress Shoes and Funeral Parlours) by Gainsbourg.
I weighed 88.65 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since April 17.
I had to delay starting song practice at 10:00 because I had an 11:00 appointment with the denturist at Family Dentistry on Queen. I was sitting on the side of the chair so I could get my denture out of my backpack to show him. He said he’d look at it after I “sit properly”. He said my flexible denture can’t be adjusted. We discussed getting a denture made that would cover all my missing teeth. I agreed to go with that but then he told me that the denture would be metal because the Canadian Dental Plan doesn’t cover acrylic ones. I decided not to get the dentures and to just wait for the implant. When I looked it up later it seems he was wrong that the federal plan doesn’t cover acrylic dentures. I’m not going back to that guy. It looks like I won’t be shooting any song practice videos this summer as I’d hoped to do, not with a gap in the front of my teeth. I assume I’ll have the implant by next summer.
I did my song practice ninety minutes later than usual and was done just before lunch.
I weighed 90.04 before lunch. I had saltines with peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar with a glass of iced tea.
I took a bike ride downtown and on the way back stopped at Freshco where I bought six bags of grapes and price matched them with The Real Canadian Superstore’s cost of $3.95 a kilo.
I weighed 88.95 kilos at 18:30. That’s the easiest I’ve been on the scale in the evening since April 21.
I was caught up in my journal at 19:33.
I recorded from cassette tape through audio interface to Audacity and then extracted to my hard drive side 2 of the recording of the Christian and the Lions concert at Lee’s Palace on October 6, 1995. Tom Smarda played Stratocaster, Steve Lowe played acoustic guitar, Arjan played bass, and Barzin Hosseini played drums. On side 2 there were my songs “Thin Red Line”, “Sixteen Tons of Dogma”, and “Angeline”. Tomorrow I’ll digitize side 1 of a Christian and the Lions rehearsal tape.
I deleted several images from my hard drive.
I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with cherry tomato sauce, tomato pesto, chopped hot Italian sausage and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 4, episode 22 of The Carol Burnett Show.
During the audience warmup a 13 year old girl gives Carol a Charwoman hand puppet that she made.
Someone asks about Carol’s ear-pulling gesture. She says it used to signal hello to her grandmother but now it’s for her kids. She says her left ear is slightly longer since she’s been doing it.
A boy asks Carol her favourite sport and she says Paul Newman.
The Carol and Sis sketch has Carol heating TV dinners for supper and Roger is very disappointed. He wonders what took up her time since she obviously didn’t go to the beauty parlour. Then the doorbell rings and Carol tells Roger that bell just saved his life. It’s Roger’s accountant Howard (played by Bob Newhart) and he’s come by to get their tax returns signed. He says his wife is waiting in the car and they didn’t know he was married. Roger says to bring her in and then Roger and Carol discuss what kind of a woman a nerd like Howard would get. But it turns out that Blanche is tall, blonde and gorgeous. She also waits on Howard hand and foot, makes all of his clothes, is a master chef, and is about to become a lawyer. They have to leave because their new waterbed is being delivered. After they leave, Roger absent mindedly calls Carol “Blanche” and he’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Chita Rivera dances with the male members of the Ernie Flatt Dancers to a recording of Blood, Sweat, and Tears performing “Lucretia MacEvil” by David Clayton Thomas from 1970. Chita portrays Lucretia as a literal spider woman with the dance beginning high on a giant web. At the end there are several men caught in the web and others dead on the floor.
The next skit is an almost exact re-enactment of a skit from season 2, episode 25 in which
Harvey wakes up with a hangover. There’s a knock and in walks Carol as Alice Portnoy the Fireside Girl collecting money. Bit by bit she reveals information she knows about him along with photographic evidence that results in him donating more and more money to her can.
The final skits and numbers are part of their salutes to Hollywood film studios. This time it’s MGM.
Carol and Harvey re-enact the famous scene in Ninotchka in which Greta Garbo laughs on screen for the first time.
Then there is a parody of Blackboard Jungle in which Bob Newhart plays the teacher and tells the students to put their bullets to the front of the room. They open fire at him.
Carol, Vicki and Chita do the Charleston and sing a song that mimics that era. Then they sing “The Varsity Drag” by Ray Henderson, Buddy de Sylva, and Lew Brown from the 1927 musical Good News.
There’s a parody of the scene from Gone With the Wind when Rhett Butler carries Scarlet O’Hara up the stairs “to make a woman of her”. Her dress keeps getting in his face but after three tries he gets her up but then she lets him know that her bedroom is downstairs.
There is a parody of the 1936 film Rose Marie, set in a fort in the frontiers of Canada. Harvey plays a Mountie named Sergeant Strongheart, Lyle plays a French Canadian trapper. The ordered brides arrive. Carol plays Rose Marie a disguised French princess and Vicki plays her lady in waiting. Bob Newhart plays the Marquis de Fop who pursues Marie Rose. Vicki is carried off by Lyle and Strongheart comes to Rose Marie’s rescue. Chita plays a First Nations woman who intervenes by shooting an arrow at them because she’s in love with Strongheart. Fop arrives looking for Marie. She disguises herself as a Mountie. Strongheart is confused because he is attracted to this guy. But Fop recognizes her. Strongheart steps in his way and so Fop challenges him to a duel, long notes at three paces. Marie hits Strongbow with a pin in the ass to make him sing longer and he wins. Chita offers herself to Fop.
Carol reveals that her sister Chrissie stood in as one of the crowd, sang a bit, and even learned some dance steps.
Chita Rivera trained as a ballerina from age 11 and received a scholarship to the School of American Ballet. Her first professional performance was at 17 in Call Me Madam after she had accompanied a friend to the audition and ended up winning the part. She became a star after appearing as Anita in the original production of West Side Story on Broadway. She played Rosie in the original Broadway production of Bye Bye Birdie. She won a Tony for The Rink and another for Kiss of the Spider Woman (originating the part of the title character). She had six more nominations for Bye Bye Birdie, Chicago (originating the role of Velma). Bring Back Birdie, Merlin, Jerry’s Girls, and Nine the Musical. She made her TV debut on The Maurice Chevalier Show in 1956. She appeared three times on The Ed Sullivan Show. She played Connie Richardson on The New Dick Van Dyke Show. Barack Obama awarded her the Presidential Medal of Freedom and she was the first Hispanic woman to receive the Kennedy Centre Honour.
April 30, 1996: I decided to start presenting featured performers at my writers open stage
On Tuesday night as always I went to host my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage in the Art Bar of the Gladstone Hotel. But besides my co-host Raven, nobody showed up. Raven and I spent some time in the empty room trying to figure out a solution to this problem. I finally decided and she agreed that we would start having featured performers because then they would invite their friends to come to see them read and we would have an audience that would potentially come back. But when choosing features I didn’t want to be elitist like the other reading series and bring in renowned authors. I wanted to keep it within the family and so we established the rule that to be invited to be a featured poet one must have performed at the Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy at least twice before.
Wednesday, 29 April 2026
Totie Fields
I finished editing “Dessous mon pull” by Serge Gainsbourg and my translation “Underneath My Blouse” in my Christian’s Translations blog and posted it on Facebook. I started translating “Chaussures noires et pompes funèbres” (Black Shoes and Funeral Parlours) by Gainsbourg. It’s not the song of the same name that he wrote for Zizi Jeanmaire to sing, which I can’t find, but rather some notes towards a planned film project that was never realized.
I weighed 89 kilos before breakfast.
I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the first of two sessions and it went out of tune during all but one song.
Around midday I cleaned the blue paint from two more bathroom wall tiles where it had overlapped when I painted the trim above them a few weeks ago. The main cleanup of splattered paint will be done later but right now I’m just cleaning the northeast corner before mounting the wire rack there after painting it blue. I still have to clean two or three tiles on the northern side of that corner before I paint the rack.
I weighed 90.3 kilos before lunch.
In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back.
I weighed 89.75 kilos at 17:55.
I was caught up in my journal at 18:46.
I recorded from cassette tape through audio interface to Audacity and then extracted to my hard drive side one of a Christian and the Lions concert at Lee’s Palace on October 6, 1995. Tom Smarda played Stratocaster, Steve Lowe played acoustic guitar, Arjan played bass, and Barzin Hosseini played drums. We started with Instructions for Electroshock Therapy but I think Steve refused to play on it. We all did “Megaphor”, “Calendar Girl”, “Me and Gravity”, “Tropic of Ulcer”, and “The Next State of Grace”. This was the first tape in a while that digitized cleanly with a line-in and with no distortion. Tomorrow I’ll record side 2.
I deleted 35 images from my hard drive.
I had a potato with gravy and my last piece of pork tenderloin while watching season 4, episode 21 of The Carol Burnett Show.
During the audience warmup someone says they want to kiss the beautiful Carol Burnett. The cameraman shouts, “She’s not here!” She lets the guy come up and kiss her. I doubt if that would be allowed these days.
A woman asks what kind of soap do they use to clean the floor. Carol says that’s a little personal.
Totie Fields comes out and a guy from her old neighbourhood asks when she’s coming back. She says she hasn’t been there in 20 years and asks him to turn off her gas.
A guy from Winnipeg tells Totie that Winnipeggers appreciate her visits and he introduces his wife who’s a great grandmother.
The first skit features the Old Folks starring Harvey and Carol as Burt and Mollie. Mollie has a cold and has asked the handsome Dr. Winslow to drop by, which makes Burt jealous. Winslow gives her some penicillin pills. She stands and pretends to faint so she can fall against him. He carries her to the bedroom.
Ken Berry does a song and dance starting with “Racing with the Clock” by Richard Adler and Jerry Ross from The Pajama Game in 1954. The scene is an army barracks and he’s a sergeant coaxing the men to get ready for inspection. The dancing is all done in tap. The captain leaves and women come out of the lockers to dance with the men. The captain comes back and tears off Ken’s stripes, then walks off with the women. But another woman appears in Ken’s locker and he goes inside.
There is a parody of the Dinah Shore Show with Carol doing a pretty good impersonation of Dinah. Vickie plays her first guest who is attractive but dumb. She’s done love scenes with Hollywood’s most attractive men but she’s looking forward to her first movie. Totie plays a guest who wrote a book called How To Be A Desirable Woman. She demonstrates and several men carry her off.
In the Carol and Sis sketch a college buddy of Roger’s has just gone through a painful breakup and is easily triggered to start crying. Barry tells Carol it was nice of them to have him over and asks if they had other plans. She says they were supposed to have dinner with their neighbours but they broke the engagement. Hearing “broke the engagement” makes Barry start weeping again. They have drinks and Barry compliments Carol on the glasses and asks where she bought them. She says they were a wedding present and he bursts into tears again.
Carol reads some exaggerations about her that fifth graders wrote for an English class assignment.
Carol sings “Make a Rainbow” by Portia Nelson.
In the soap opera As the Stomach Turns, Marian and Estelle are having coffee. Estelle is crying and tells Marian she’s a werewolf. She breaks into stores, homes, and restaurants and eats all the food. Marian’s daughter comes by with another baby. She’s been accepted into one of the First Nations and they named her Running Dear. Marian says, “Next time run a little faster dear”. Marian puts the baby into the umbrella case as usual. Rabbi Feldman comes by after his golf game followed by his golf partner Father Galuchi.
The final song and dance is to “Put On Your Sunday Clothes” by Jerry Herman from the 1964 musical Hello Dolly.
Totie Fields started singing in Boston clubs while still in high school. She spent several years as a successful nightclub performer before Ed Sullivan booked her for his show. She returned many times and made multiple appearances on the Mike Douglas Show, Merv Griffin, and Johnny Carson. She was a panelist many times on Hollywood Squares. She wrote a humorous diet book called I Think I’ll Start Monday. She developed a blood clot at the age of 49 and her leg was amputated. This was followed by breast cancer and a mastectomy. She died of a heart attack while recovering.
April 29, 1996: I posed at an art school art club more than one of those or both
Thirty years ago today
On Monday I probably posed at some art school or art club or more than one of those or both.
Tuesday, 28 April 2026
Violette Verdy
On Monday morning I continued to edit “Ballade de la chnoufe” by Boris Vian to prepare it for publication on my Christian’s Translations blog.
I almost finished editing “Dessous mon pull” by Serge Gainsbourg and my translation “Underneath My Blouse” in my Christian’s Translations blog and should have them posted tomorrow.
I weighed 89.7 kilos before breakfast.
I played my Kramer electric for the last of two sessions.
I created a few more photo folders in my SSD.
In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and on the way back stopped at Freshco to buy grapes. Most of them were too soft but I got five bags of relatively firm ones and price matched them with the Real Canadian Superstore’s cost of $3.95 a kilo.
I weighed 89.55 kilos at 18:10, which is the lightest I’ve been in the evening since last Monday.
I was caught up in my journal at 18:50.
I tried again to digitize the cassette tape of a Christian and the Lions concert at the El Mocambo for Elvis Mondays or Sedated Sundays. I’ve been struggling with this one for the last week. I had been able to get a green flashing light in my audio interface and a waveform in Audacity for the first half but the signal disappeared in the middle of my song “The Next State of Grace”. Yesterday I was able to get a waveform again after fast forwarding the tape to the end and rewinding it to the beginning, but today that didn’t work. I tried that twice and restarted the computer four times but it still didn’t work. Finally I just put a microphone to the speaker, connected the mic cable to the audio interface with the gain turned up and that worked. The next tape I’ll be digitizing seems to get a signal when it plays and so it will probably record with a line-in rather than the mic. I’ll try it tomorrow.
I created another folder in my SSD and deleted forty some photos from my hard drive.
I had a potato with gravy and a slice of roast pork tenderloin while watching season 4, episode 19 of The Carol Burnett Show.
The first skit features the Old Folks starring Harvey and Carol as Burt and Molly. Burt is wearing Hai Karate cologne today because it’s the 16th of the month and the attractive Nurse Sweeney is coming over to give them their monthly physical. Molly says she’s not jealous but she just doesn’t want Burt to make a fool of himself. But it turns out that the handsome Dr. Winslow comes instead and now Molly makes a fool of herself and Burt is jealous. After he leaves they argue but then as usual they sing a love song to each other. It’s probably called “It’s You” but it doesn’t pop up in a search.
Ballet dancers Edward Villella and Violette Verdy dance a pas de deux from Don Quixote.
In the Carol and Sis sketch Carol is hiring a maid from Ireland. According the picture the agency sent them Marie Murphy is 19 years old and very pretty. Roger leaves work early so he can be there when she arrives. But (played by Martha Raye) she turns out to be in her fifties and also lied about her ability to cook and clean. When Carol tries to demonstrate the vacuum cleaner she jumps in terror into Roger’s arms because she’s never seen one before. In the end she changes her accent and reveals she’s from the Bronx.
Carol and Martha sing “Let Me Sing and I’m Happy” by Irving Berlin from 1929; “Back in Your Own Backyard” by Al Jolson, Billy Rose, and Dave Dreyer from 1928; “The Other Man’s Grass is Always Greener” by Tony Hatch and Jackie Trent from 1967; and “I Got Plenty of Nothin” by George Gershwin, Ira Gershwin, and Dubose Heyward from the 1935 musical Porgy and Bess.
In the George and Zelda skit, George is still married to the nagging and overbearing Zelda who he married while drunk and didn’t know her. Now he escapes that bitter reality by watching bullfighting movies. He fantasizes that he is a great bullfighter and that a gorgeous flamenco dancer played by Vicki is throwing herself at him. They agree to meet after his fight but after she leaves, Zelda invades his dream and nags him some more. She makes him feel small before his fight and then accidentally kills him with his sword.
Carol’s Charwoman mops up on the stage set of Swan Lake and the dancers appear. She ends up dancing with them in their swan costume but wearing her boots. She then sings a song that is probably titled “Where Do I Go From Here” but I can’t find it.
Violette Verdy started training at the age of 8 in 1942 while France was occupied by Germany. She began her career in Roland Petit’s Ballet des Champs Elysées in 1945. She became one of the leading ballerinas of the 20th Century. From 1958 to 1977 she was a principal dancer at the New York City Ballet. The “Emeralds” section of George Balanchine’s ballet Jewels was created for her. She starred in the film Ballerina. She was also a gifted choreographer. She was a professor of Dance at Indiana University for 20 years. In 1973 she was named a Chevalier dans l'Ordre des Arts et des Lettres; thirty-five years later she was honored with the knight of France's Legion of Honour.
