Ruth Kobart

            On Friday morning I continued working on memorizing the tenth verse of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. 

            I continued trying to memorize the final monologue in Zizi Jeanmaire’s performance of “Les millionaires” by Serge Gainsbourg. Both of these songs are so large it’s overwhelming. 

            I weighed 89.05 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Kramer electric during song practice and the B string went out of tune on most of the songs.

            Around midday I finished painting the frame and the front of my bathroom exhaust fan with the Blue Bliss (a shade of turquoise). There were some overlaps into the vent, which I plan to paint with Crazy in Love (pink). Next time when I add the Crazy in Love I’ll lay down some Frog Tape first to make the lines straighter. 

            I weighed 89 kilos before lunch, which is the lightest I’ve been in the early afternoon since last Friday. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride. My wheels slipped on the ramp just before Dovercourt on the Bloor bike lane so I decided to only go as far as Ossington. I didn’t realize until I got to Dundas that I’d gone south on Dovercourt, which I tend to avoid in the winter but it was fine. 

            I weighed 89.95 kilos at 18:00. December 29 was the last evening when I pushed the scale that high. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 19:02. 

            I recorded from cassette through audio interface to Audacity and then copied to my hard drive the finale of my fourth and I think last 20,000 Poets Under the League slam. It was hosted by the vivacious and flamboyant Sahara Spracklin. The three judges each selected three finalists and the nine finalists each read a second poem. I didn’t like the second poems of any of my choices and so I picked my winner from one of the other judge’s second or third choices. I remember that Peter Fruchter was pissed off that I’d commented when I announced my choice that the second poems of my picks sucked.

            I also recorded the beginning of what I think was my second 20,000 Poets Under the League slam. This one was hosted by Mark Critoph. 

            I had the good parts of two small potatoes with gravy and a slice of roast pork with peach chutney while watching the antepenultimate episode of Car 54 Where Are You? 

            A phony publisher is active in the Bronx. It convinces people they are writers and then get money in advance from them under the pretence of publishing their book. One of the victims is the adult son of Mrs. Abernathy and he and his mother are now at the 53rd Precinct where she wants to press charges but her son doesn’t agree because he feels the publishers in question are the only ones who ever believed in him. Mrs. Abernathy says her son got the $300 ($3000 in today’s money) from her after saying he wanted to get his teeth straightened. 

            His book is called “Millard Flaggenbaum, the Father of Our Country”. He claims to have documented proof that Millard Flaggenbaum was the first president of the United States. He says George Washington, whose real name was Harold Kramer, was a front put in the White House by the Powdered Wig Lobby. The PWL is still around and they are behind President Kennedy’s long haircut. He’s in their power. He also says that Otto Schmidlap was the 16th president and Abraham Lincoln was really a front for the beard lobby and that’s in his next book: “The Truth About the Civil War”. He has proof that the Civil War was really just a fight between the Hair Lobby and the Razor Interests. 

            It’s suggested that Sylvia Schnauser could serve as a decoy to nab the fake publishers because she used to be an actor. Sylvia comes in wearing a veil and overflowing with drama as she thinks she’s being enlisted as a super spy. She is told to just behave like an ordinary housewife because that’s who this publisher preys upon. Captain Block gives her a note with the address then she eats it and asks if he has another. 

           The publishers are playing cards when Sylvia walks in. Immediately they begin claiming they feel the same electricity from her that they felt when Edna Ferber walked through that door with the script of “Back Street” in her shopping bag (“Back Street” is not by Edna Ferber but Fannie Hurst and it becomes public domain this year). They say she is obviously a woman who’s had many loves and she just has to write them down. She remembers her first love was a pot roast dripping in heavenly gravy and caressed with just a touch of onion. She says because of her eating problem she once tried to hang herself but the rope started to look like a salami and she ate it. They encourage her to write a cookbook called “The Loves of Sylvia Schnauser”. She pays them the $150. 

            Sylvia sits at the typewriter. She types the title “The 51 Loves of Sylvia Schnauser” and writes down “basil herb”. Schnauser, Toody, and Muldoon come in to get the evidence against the publishers but she refuses to file charges against the men who discovered the real Sylvia Schnauser. We get the first threat of marital violence to appear in an episode of this show when Leo threatens to splatter her over the walls. Leo reads the title and is shocked because he thinks she’s talking about men. He reads “Herb” and “Basil” and thinks they are the names of two of her boyfriends. He researches the police personnel files and finds that Herb Meloski and Basil Bannister were transferred out of the precinct twelve years ago. Leo starts asking Toody if he remembers two guys transferred because of affairs with another cop’s wife whose name starts with an “S”. Toody knows nothing about it but his suggestive mind thinks he remembers all of that. 

            This talk about scandals gets mixed up with the information that Sylvia is writing a book and the rumour spreads like wildfire throughout the precinct that Sylvia is writing a book about the scandals of the 53rd Precinct. Each cop begins to remember innocent things they did that could in certain light be viewed as scandalous. For example that time at a party when an officer’s wife sat on Captain Block’s knee as they did a skit in which they were pretending to be a ventriloquist and his dummy. Someone says the book will be called “Precinct Place” (Like “Peyton Place” which was already a scandalous novel but not yet a TV series). 

            Leo is obsessed with finding the names of the other 49 lovers he thinks are in Sylvia’s book. Leo is about to come home when he hears Officer Nicholson in his apartment talking with Sylvia and he thinks he’s one of her old boyfriends. Nicholson is just there to relate the incident that he was involved in that could be scandalized and to ask her not to put it in his book. She assures him it won’t be. Leo hides in the hallway as a steady stream of officers come to see Sylvia for similar reasons. 

            Muldoon and Toody go to Discovery Publishers to warn them not to publish Sylvia’s book. They don’t even remember who Sylvia is but assume if the police want to stop it the book must be sexy trash that would be lucrative for them to publish. Muldoon and Toody go to every publisher in the building and now even the publisher of Physics texts wants her book. They all go to Sylvia and make bids of thousands of dollars for her book. She accepts $5,000 from Discovery and hands them the manuscript. They are very disappointed to see it’s a cookbook. Captain Block tells them they have 24 hours to get out of New York. Sylvia gives the $5000 to Block to distribute to the people who were ripped off by Discovery. She tells Leo there’s only one love in her life: Hungarian goulash. 

            Then Sylvia decides to write the book the guys at the precinct all thought she was writing: “Precinct Place”. 

            Mrs. Abernathy was played by Ruth Kobart, who began as an opera singer and was a member of the American Conservatory Theatre from 1967 to 1994. She made her theatrical debut in the off Broadway production of Hansel and Gretel as the witch. She made her Broadway debut in Pipe Dream in 1955. She created the role of Agata in Maria Golovin at Expo 58 in Brussels. She created the role of Arina in The Marriage. She played Miss Jones in the Broadway production of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying in 1961 and reprised her role in the film. She was nominated for a Tony for her performance in A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Forum. She was the voice of Malicia in the game King’s Quest VII. She played Iris Frankel on the sitcom Bob.