Monique van Vooren

            On Wednesday morning I started searching through my files of Serge Gainsbourg songs to look for any titles that I’d neglected to translate. There was nothing in the 1958 or the 1959 files, but at the end of the 1960 file is a four-line piece called “Cha cha cha des chauves” (Cha Cha of the Bald). Maybe I didn’t translate it before because it seemed incomplete and I was hoping to find a fuller version, but I don’t think there is one. There is a file on YouTube with the audio. I memorized the piece and translated it: 

Who would suspect that any person 

is bald beneath their smart chapeau? 

The hat’s their great social salvation 

that makes them just like any Joe 

            Tomorrow I’ll work out the chords and probably upload it to my Christian’s Translations blog, then publish it and look for the next song I’ve missed. 

            I played my Kramer electric guitar during song practice. It stayed in tune and sounded good. 

            I weighed 87.25 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since February 23. 

            In the early afternoon I packed up my laundry and headed out to wash it. The snowbank in front of my place has shrunk enough that I can now lock my bike in front of my building without laying it down while I bring the trailer down or take it back up. But my bike kind of looks like it’s humping the bank. 

            Before lunch I went back out to buy a six-pack of Creemore. It’s now 5 cents short of $20. 

            I weighed 86.85 kilos at 16:00. I had whole wheat saltines with five-year-old cheddar and a glass of low sugar iced tea. 

            I took a siesta at 16:30 and woke up at 18:18. 

            I weighed 87.15 kilos at 18:35. That’s the most I’ve tipped the scales in the evening since February 23. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 19:45.

            I continued to search for generation gap videos but it’s difficult. No one seems to ever film hippies or beatniks interacting with other generations. The films are always focused on each group by itself. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread, with parmesan, a sliced potato and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a beer while watching season 3, episode 20 of Batman. 

            The Penguin, Miss Clean and two of Penguin’s thugs enter the Gotham Mint. He puts the staff to sleep with gas and appears to be stealing wheelbarrows full of money. Miss Clean carries a feather duster and dusts everything she passes. Batman is called and when he and Robin arrive at police headquarters they meet Penguin and his gang in the elevator. They all go into Gordon’s office together. Batman arrests Penguin but learns that Penguin stole nothing from the mint. Penguin says he’ll sue for false arrest but Batman says he still broke into the mint and he’ll arrest him for that unless he drops the lawsuit, so he drops it. Penguin leaves and Batgirl arrives. She says if Penguin didn’t steal anything from the mint maybe he put something in. She says everyone at the mint is still asleep long past the time when Penguin gas would have worn off. Batman, Batgirl and Robin go there. Batman and Batgirl observe the mint money under a microscope. Batgirl says there are bacteria that look like they are of the species somnophilia. Batman says specifically somnophilia lygeria. They say Lygerian sleeping sickness is carried by the Lygerian fruit fly. Penguin planted a culture of the bacteria in the ink used to print the money. The only shipment of money sent out since Penguin’s tampering went to the Gotham National Bank. Batman sends Batgirl there while he and Robin go to the Gotham hospital to get a supply of somnophilia vaccine. But Penguin beats Batman and Robin to the hospital where he is forcing a doctor to vaccinate himself and his crew and then destroys the rest. Batman and Robin arrive but Penguin releases three Lygerian fruit flies and escapes. Batman takes out his Bat fly swatter and kills two of the flies but the third lands on Robin’s nose. It looks like a house fly whereas actual fruit flies are a tenth that size. Batman uses tweezers to capture the fly and he contains it in a capsule. The doctor says the vaccine Penguin destroyed was the last outside of Lygeria. Batman says to order some but the doctor says it will take a day. Meanwhile at the bank Batgirl learns that $1300 of the infected bills has already left the bank with various customers and could be all over Gotham by now. When Batman learns of this he calls Gordon to tell him to broadcast a message to everyone in Gotham not to handle any money. People begin dumping their money on the street to protect themselves. Even two bankrobbers, on hearing the report, return the loot to the bank. Penguin and Miss Clean are on the street each pushing a big vacuum machine to suck up the money. Batgirl arrives but is immediately held and then gassed to sleep. It’s disappointing how easily she tends to be subdued. They just leave her lying on the sidewalk while they continue vacuuming. Bruce Wayne calls the main financiers of the world to warn them against accepting any Gotham money. In Penguin’s hideout they are drenched in cash. He asks Miss Clean what she wants and she says she’s always wanted a little house in the country. Penguin begins looking into buying a little country but Bruce’s warning has preceded him and everyone Penguin calls refuses to accept cash from Gotham. Penguin calls Bruce and tells him to call everyone back or he will release 500 of the flies, but Bruce refuses. Later Penguin and his finks arrive at the bank and find outside Batman, Batgirl, Robin, Gordon and O’Hara asleep on the sidewalk. Penguin lifts O’Hara’s pocket watch but then they all get up to reveal they are fine. The big fight takes place with Batman, Batgirl and Robin against the Penguin and his gang, except for Miss Clean, who holds back. After defeating Penguin, Batman tells him that it was Gotham’s current temperature of 7 degrees that killed all his fruit flies. Also because Penguin took a double dose of vaccine he gets sleeping sickness himself. Later Gordon learns that Calamity Jan and Frontier Fanny have been visiting Shame in Gotham prison.

            Miss Clean was played by Belgian actor Monique Van Vooren, who was fluent in French, Dutch, English, German, Spanish, and Italian. In her native Belgium she was a champion skater and a beauty pageant winner. Her film debut was in Tomorrow is Too Late. She recorded an album in 1958 called Mink in Hi-Fi. She had a nightclub act in which one of the backup dancers was named Ronnie Walken. She suggested it would have more impact if he changed his name to Christopher, and so he did. She was a judge in the 1969 Miss Universe pageant. She co-starred in Flesh For Frankenstein. She was a panelist on To Tell the Truth and Password. She wrote a novel called Night Sanctuary. She was convicted of cashing her dead mother’s social security cheques and sentenced to 200 hours of community service.

March 6, 1995: I stopped eating starchy foods for a month

Thirty years ago today

            On Monday I stopped eating starchy foods for the next month. I posed all day at Northern secondary School.

Barbara Rush

            On Tuesday morning on my Christian’s Translations blog I published “My Sister’s masseurs”, my translation of “La main du masseur” by Serge Gainsbourg. That officially completes my ten year long project of translating all of the songs of Serge Gainsbourg from 1958 to 1990. But there are probably a handful of songs I couldn’t translate because the French lyrics weren’t available so now I’ll go back over the list to see if I can find and translate them. After that there will still be the rest of his crazy novella that I’ve already partly translated. 

            I weighed 87.15 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since February 24. 

            Around midday I cleaned the newer warm mist humidifier and found that putting in four cups of vinegar instead of three to soak worked like a dream. 

            I weighed 87.3 kilos before lunch. That’s the most I’ve tipped the scales in the early afternoon since February 19. 

            I didn’t have the old humidifier on for most of the day but I filled it up just before going out for a bike ride. It seemed to take a long time to fill. I turned it on but it wasn’t heating up. Then I noticed it was leaking through the vent of the back tank. Water is not supposed to be poured into that tank. I dumped out the tank and mopped up the spillage. That was why it took so long to fill, because it was filling the back tank as well. I’m not really sure why it did that but I dumped out the water, then filled the front tank again and turned it on and everything was fine. 

            I double checked one more time that the seat level on the new bike is the same as the Raleigh by comparing how my feet touch the floor at the balls of my feet. Because of my humidifier emergency I didn’t get away soon enough for a bike ride downtown. I only rode as far as Ossington and Bloor. With the new higher handlebar and seat levels I’m riding much more comfortably now. I stopped at Freshco where the green grapes are still very cheap and firm and so I bought eight bags. 

            I weighed 87.1 kilos at 18:21. February 23 was the last time I hulked out that much in the evening. 

            I was caught up on my journal at 19:33. I continued to search for videos of adult reactions to hippies in the 60s. I think I’ll type “generation gap” next. Or “Here we come walking down the street / Get the funniest looks from everyone we meet”. 

            I reviewed the song practice video of my acoustic performance of “Sixteen Tons of Dogma” on September 25 and the take at 28:00 wasn’t bad. 

            I had a potato with gravy and a chicken leg while watching season 3, episode 19 of Batman. 

            At a civic luncheon in Commissioner Gordon’s honour, Mayor Linseed arrives to reluctantly tell Gordon he’s fired. He announces that feminist activist Nora Clavicle is the new police commissioner. Nora immediately makes the mayor’s wife Millie Linseed the new police chief. Later Mayor Linseed tells Bruce that his wife forced his decision by refusing to cook or clean until he gave the job to Nora. I saw Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman having lunch by himself in a Chinese restaurant so Linseed could have done that. As mayor I’m sure he also could have afforded to have someone do his laundry. During her first day as commissioner, Nora uses the Batphone one last time to tell Batman the city no longer needs his services and then she cuts the line. Batman and Robin decide to take a Batmobile ride around Gotham anyway. Alfred tells Batman, “We men are counting on you”. Batgirl also takes her Batgirl Cycle out on patrol. Meanwhile Chief Millie fires every man on the police force and replaces each one with a woman. But when Nora is alone with her henchwomen Evelina and Angelina she tells them to proceed with Operation Ransack while she moves forward with Operation Disaster Insurance. She tells her girls to set a trap for Batman, Robin, and Batgirl by committing a crime and so they rob a bank. The manager tries to get the cops on guard to stop the theft but the one in the bank is too busy applying her makeup and the two outside are occupied with swapping recipes. He asks another who says she’s not going to wreck her new Givenchy shoes chasing after some thieves. He calls the emergency police line but the operator tells all cars that there is a sale at Arbech’s. Batman, Robin and Batgirl head for the bank. Batman uses the portable Bat Computer to somehow trace the thieves to a knitting needle warehouse. But when they arrive, Nora jumps out to grab Batgirl and threatens to pierce her jugular unless Batman and Robin surrender. The three heroes are then tied into a Siamese human knot with only their bodies intertwined and no ropes. Supposedly the slightest move will only draw the human knot tighter to crush their bones. While it looks pretty intimate it appears easy to get out of. Batgirl has her right arm around Batman’s neck, Batman has his left arm around her neck, Batgirl’s left arm is under his arm and between Batman’s left knee and Robin’s neck, Batman’s right arm is stretched out to the right side of Robin’s neck where his wrist is reaching around behind Robin’s neck where his fingers join the bent back left hand of Batgirl on the left side of Robin’s neck, Batgirl’s right thigh is on top of Batman’s right thigh but under his left leg where Robin’s left arm is between Batman’s right leg and Batgirl’s right leg but then his forearm is wedged between Batman’s left leg and both of Batgirl’s legs because her left leg is under Batman’s left leg then on top of her own right leg and wedged against Robin’s left shoulder with the toe of her boot against the left side of Robin’s chin, Batman’s left hand is on top of his own left leg but his fingers seem to be caught where his leg meets with Batgirl’s legs. There are all kinds of ways that they could just let go. While they are caught, Nora tells Batman that at sunset she is going to destroy Gotham for the $10 million insurance policy that she took out on the city. She then leaves them to begin the disaster. Outside the warehouse Nora and her cronies unpack and wind hundreds of mechanical mice and then release them to run around Gotham. each one is a time bomb set to go off half an hour after sunset. That gives them time to spread so widely that every building will be destroyed when they explode. Meanwhile Batgirl is getting cramps in her legs but Batman says that’s good because the involuntary muscular contractions in her legs may relieve the tension in Robin’s lower lumbar. Then if Batman wiggles his ears and Robin bends the fourth finger on his left hand, that is the formula for escaping from the Siamese human knot that Batman suddenly just recalled. It works and they escape. They find two police officers standing on the base of a light pole and screaming because they see a mechanical mouse. Batman picks up the mouse and sees that it’s a bomb. They deduce that there must be hundreds of them and of course they can’t grab them all. Robin calls Chief Millie to have her mobilize her forces to catch the mice but she answers the phone while standing in fear on her desk while another officer is on a chair because a mouse is on the floor, then they both faint. It’s pretty ridiculous and insulting to women but my mother was also afraid of mice. Batgirl says you can’t get policewomen to catch mice. Batman gives Batgirl and Robin each a flute and then plays a melody on his own. He tells them each to play that same melody and to split to the east and west parts of Gotham while he takes midtown then to make their way to the docks as they play. The mice somehow respond to the playing and as the trio converges on the docks the mechanical mice all leap into the water to be neutralized. Batman determined that their guidance system was built around high frequency radar and so he selected the precise combination of required notes that would cause the homing mechanisms to zero in on the sound and follow it. But that doesn’t make sense because there is no reason for the mice to have homing mechanisms since their purpose is to wander aimlessly before exploding. They don’t have a home. Then a truck backs up with Nora, Angelina and Evelina tied up in the back and Alfred guarding them with the point of an umbrella. From out of the cab emerges Gordon and O’Hara. Later Gordon gets a call from Penguin who asks if he’s heard of the lethal Lygerian fruit flu and then hangs up. 

            Nora was played by Barbara Rush who studied at the Pasadena Playhouse. Her film debut was in Molly. She married actor Jeffrey Hunter and they were together for five years. She co-starred in When World’s Collide, Quebec, It Came From Outer Space (for which she won a Golden Globe), The Young Philadelphians, Robin and the Seven Hoods, and Bigger Than Life. On TV she played the mother of The Bionic Woman. She co-starred in the soap opera Flamingo Road. She played Grandma Camden on 7th Heaven.

March 5, 1995: I got together with my daughter

Thirty years ago today 

            On Sunday I have no record of what I did but chances are I got together with my daughter.

Nobu McCarthy

            On Monday morning I played my Martin acoustic guitar during song practice for the last of two sessions. It’s still going out of tune pretty much as soon as it’s strummed. 

            I weighed 86.45 kilos before breakfast. 

            I weighed 87.1 kilos before lunch, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the early afternoon since February 23. 

            In the afternoon before taking a bike ride I checked and saw that Metro Cycles was open. I don’t know why I thought they were closed on Mondays but Mark said they never have been. I asked about raising my handlebars and so he installed an extension for the post. He struggled with the first one until he realized a bolt was missing and so he opened up another package. I paid $80 cash. By the time he was done it was too late to ride all the way downtown so I just rode to Ossington and Bloor. What a difference raising the handlebars makes! It’s much more comfortable now. When I got home I raised the seat slightly to get it on par with the height I’ve been used to for years of riding the Raleigh. At first I tried to measure the height and get them the same but found it easier just to straddle both bikes and feel how my feet are hitting the floor. 

            I weighed 87 kilos at 18:30, the same heaviness in the evening as on February 24. 

            I was caught up on my journal at 19:30. 

            I finished watching Riot on the Sunset Strip but there was no riot. I looked at some clips from Rebel Without a Cause but still haven’t found anything to fit my line “Mom and dad want baby’s freedom”. 

            I reviewed the song practice videos of my Gibson electric performances of “Sixteen Tons of Dogma” on September 23 and 24. On September 23 the take at 32:30 didn’t sound good and I hit a few wrong chords. On September 24 the take at 33:45 was OK but I couldn’t play the E flat chord. 

            I grilled three chicken legs and had one with a potato and gravy while watching season 3, episode 18 of Batman. 

            Barbara Gordon is looking hot in red drawstring leggings and a red polka dotted crop top, showing her midriff. She is visiting Bruce Wayne’s beach house on Ambergris Bay because he’s asked her to co-chaperone a party Dick Grayson his having with his friends. Dick and his friends arrive with a big hunk of ambergris they found. Bruce tells him a piece that size is worth a fortune on the perfume market. But Dick and his friends were followed by Louis the Lilac and his gang. They take the ambergris and kidnap Bruce and Dick. They are taken to Louis’ hideout at the Lilac Perfume Factory. Louis’ perfume technician, Lotus is at work in the lab and she appreciates the ambergris but needs other ingredients as well. She asks Louis for the scent pouches of Abyssinian civet cats, the glands of as many muskrats as possible, a large supply of beaver castor follicles, and the Tonquin from a herd of musk deer. He tells his men to get the animals and put them in the basement. Louis has Bruce and Dick tied up and he tells Bruce that since he’s heard that he’s an expert on animals, he’s going to remove the scent pouches from the animals (That’s the first time we’ve heard Bruce is an authority on animals). Batman and Robin are missing and for some reason Commissioner Gordon shows home movies of Batman to find clues. What we see are escape scenes from previous episodes that we’ve seen but in that world there would have been no cameraman standing around to film Batman and Robin while watching them potentially dying. Then Gordon gets a call from the zoo that all the Abyssinian civic cats, beavers, muskrats and musk deer have been stolen. Barbara goes to see Bruce Wayne’s butler Alfred, who is the only person who knows she is Batgirl. The phone rings in the study and she follows him in there even though not even Aunt Harriet is allowed in there since it’s where the red Batphone direct line to Gordon’s office is located, which she should recognize if she saw it since the same phone is in her father’s office, and it’s directly in her view when she walks in the door. Then it starts to beep and flash but Alfred throws a dust cloth over it. He also has to stop her from touching the bust of Shakespeare that opens the secret door to the Batpoles. She tells Alfred that she suspects Louis the Lilac has kidnapped Bruce and Dick. “Suspects”? She was right there at gun point when he kidnapped them but for some strange reason she didn’t even report it to the police. More lazy writing. Later Alfred calls Barbara to tell her that Louis’ hideout is in the defunct perfume factory on Lavender Lane. She asks where he got the information. He can’t tell her that he got it from the Bat Computer so he just says it was an anonymous informant. Barbara goes to change to Batgirl but finds an unannounced maintenance worker in her bedroom applying tools to her wall. He says people downstairs have complained about a grinding noise. He asks if she knows that her wall revolves. He doesn’t seem to have actually seen the wall revolving and he hasn’t yet opened it up to find any mechanism so it’s curious how he would know. She explains she knows it revolves but that it leads to a secret storage area, which she offers to show him. She pushes a secret button labeled “Secret Batgirl Room Instant Transformer” and then takes him into the room which is suddenly full of boxes and trunks piled up, which would be impossible to suddenly happen with the push of a button. More lazy writing. Then she tells him that she keeps several guns and so an unannounced visitor could get shot. That’s fucked up but very Middle North American. After he leaves she pushes her Secret Batgirl Room Re-Transformer and the wall revolves so she can change to Batgirl. Alfred communicates to Bruce through a speaker that is loud enough to be heard by Louis but isn’t. Alfred sends the Batmobile to that location by remote control and calls the police. Batgirl arrives just after the Batmobile. Bruce tells Louis he refuses to operate on the animals because it is criminal mutilation. Louis communicates to the cops not to come inside or he’ll kill Bruce and Dick. Batgirl confronts Louis and within a second is disappointingly knocked out by a lilac. I guess the producers had no time for her to put up a fight. She is placed in a chamber that will be filled with boiling oil so she can be transformed into perfume. Bruce says he will perform the surgery on the animals if he spares Batgirl. Bruce and Dick are sent downstairs to the basement. Louis asks what they need and Bruce says two glasses of warm water. When they are alone Bruce drops a different pill into each glass and they expand into Batman and Robin costumes complete with utility belts. More lazy writing according to my Christian Christian lazy writing bullshit detecting device. Louis tells Lotus he’s going to kill Batgirl anyway. She says she was hoping he’d say that. Batman and Robin break out of the basement with a laser so they can arrive from the front. The big fight takes place. Batgirl wakes from her mesmerized state and uses her Batgirl Vat Opener and joins in the fight. More lazy writing because they couldn’t think of a clever escape. Louis is defeated. We learn that a civic luncheon in Gordon’s honour is being planned next week. We also learn that the Feminist criminal Nora Clavicle will be there to let him know that he is no longer the police commissioner. 

            Lotus was played by Canadian actor Nobu McCarthy. She was born in Ottawa because her father was secretary to the Japanese ambassador to Canada but she was raised in Japan. She studied ballet, was a model and choral singer and became Miss Tokyo. She moved to Middle North America in 1955. Her film debut was in The Hunters in 1958. She co-starred in Two Loves in 1961. She guest starred on the Bing Crosby Show for the 1964 season. She starred in the film The Wash in 1988 and was nominated for an Independent Spirit Award for her performance. She was artistic director of the East-West Players from 1989 to 1993.

March 4, 1995: I posed for the Ontario College of Art Alumni

Thirty years ago today 

            On Saturday I posed all day for the Alumni drawing session at the Ontario College of Art.

Rusty Lane

            On Sunday morning Radio Canada had changed the usual programming from the show Reverie, which features non-orchestral indie recordings of classical music, to a dance program. But it might have been a one-off because the show was broadcast from Nuit Blanche in Montreal which took place last night. It sounded like House Music with African inflections. It’s interesting to hear what people are listening to but it doesn’t make for very calming music for doing yoga. 

            I ran through singing and playing “My Sister’s Masseurs”, my translation of “La main du masseur” by Serge Gainsbourg. I uploaded it to my Christian’s Translations blog to prepare it for publication. I’ll probably have it posted tomorrow. 

            I played my Martin acoustic guitar during song practice for the first of two sessions. I’ve got to get it fixed as soon as the weather gets warm. 

            I weighed 86.55 kilos before breakfast. 

            Around midday I brought the stepladder in and filled the north and west bathroom walls above the tub. All that’s left that I need the ladder for is the southern wall above the tub and above the bathroom door. I might need to buy another bucket of compound before that’s done or maybe it’ll just about do it. 

            I weighed 86.95 kilos before lunch. I had whole wheat saltines with five-year-old cheddar and a glass of low sugar iced tea. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. It was almost cold enough on the way home to wear my balaclava. The new bike is not as comfortable to ride as the Raleigh. I’ve been thinking it’s just a matter of adjustment but when I got home I stood the Surly beside the Raleigh for the first time and found that the Raleigh’s handlebars are much higher. No wonder I’ve been so uncomfortable. It’s because I’ve been bending over a lot more. Jack at Metro Cycles told me I would need a longer post to raise the handlebars, so that’s what I’m going to have to get if I’m going to ride this bike I paid $1300 for. The seat on the Raleigh is also slightly higher. I raised the Surly seat to match it but then realized that as long as the handlebars are so low then I can’t raise the seat without making it even more uncomfortable. I would be almost somersaulting. I’ll have to take it to Metro on Tuesday when they are open to see about getting a longer post. 

            I weighed 86.7 kilos at 19:00. 

            I was caught up on my journal at 20:00.

            I watched a few more minutes of Riot on the Sunset Strip. The “good” police chief who has been so careful with the teenagers is about to lose his cool when he learns his estranged daughter has been slipped a mickey of LSD and then been raped by five boys at a party.

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara sauce, parmesan, oven fries and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a beer while watching season 3, episode 17 of Batman.

            Catwoman and Joker have just stolen the Karnaby Katz’s antique crib and have already left with it when Batman, Robin and Batgirl arrive to stop them. But outside of the Katz mansion the villains are hiding and waiting in ambush. Batman and Robin say goodbye to Batgirl and drive away in the Batmobile, then Batgirl mounts her Batgirl Cycle but it won’t start. Catwoman and Joker approach her and Catwoman shows she has removed the radioactive sparkplug from Batgirl’s vehicle. Their henchmen grab her and tie her wrists and legs with Catwoman’s special cord that she calls Cat’s Whiskers, which automatically contracts against the heat of a body. So she says that in seconds Batgirl will be strangled to death. But she wouldn’t be strangled since there is no rope around her neck, however she could certainly lose her hands and feet. It’s strange that they would just leave her like that on Katz’s lawn without even gagging her. One assumes that if she called out then someone would hear and fetch something to cut the bonds. Yet she doesn’t shout but rather rolls her body towards the sprinkler system controls and with her chin turns the sprinklers on. The cool water reverses the contraction of the cord so Batgirl can free herself. It’s the first time that Batgirl has escaped on her own from a trap. Since before leaving, Catwoman and Joker mentioned the location of their hideout, Batgirl calls Batman through Commissioner Gordon and tells him to meet her there. Meanwhile Catwoman explains to Joker that the nightshirt they stole is a map to the starting place to find the half million kilos of gunpowder. The nightshirt leads to an X mark but after that the antique crib is a map to the gunpowder but it is written backwards and in French: “de l’x du plan, marches cinquante pieds sur la droite, essayer de trouver une pierre plantée dans la terre”. That’s what it says in the text on screen but she reads more than is written down. Her French is too flawless for her to need Joker to look up the words in the French-English dictionary. He also does so without knowing the spelling of the words she speaks, which would be very unlikely. What she said in French was “From the X on the map walk fifty meters north, then fifty feet to the right, then try to find a wrong stone planted in the ground”. Joker says, “It’s the first time I’ve ever heard a cat purr in French”. The poem that they stole that told of the crib says it’s a fib and so they need to do the opposite of the crib’s instructions. So they will walk 50 meters south, then 50 feet to the left to find the right stone. Batman, Robin and Batgirl are watching as the villains leave for the location on the map and they follow them to the Phony Island Lighthouse (obviously a parallel of the Coney Island Lighthouse). The crooks arrive and find the X. Meanwhile inside the lighthouse Mr. and Mrs. Keeper are continuously arguing. The fifty feet to the left lead Catwoman and Joker right inside the lighthouse where they capture the Keepers. Batman, Robin and Batgirl enter to confront the criminals. Joker accidentally flips a hidden switch that opens a secret door to the gunpowder. He lights a match so he can see it better but Batman tries to grab it from him causing it to fall onto the gunpowder. There is an explosion in the storage room but just before the blast Batman sprays the room they are in with anti-blast Bat Powder (His gimmicks get more and more impossibly ridiculous all the time). Catwoman takes advantage of her one phone call to contact Lucky Pierre, the world’s luckiest attorney who has never lost a case. Pierre wears a bowler hat with a wishbone in place of a feather. He has a portrait of Richard Nixon on his desk. Later they are in court and Batman is the prosecutor. Batman argues for Catwoman and Joker’s guilt on several offenses: robbery, attempted murder, assault and battery, mayhem, and overtime parking. Batgirl whispers to Robin, “He’s so authoritative, so confident!” Robin says, “The more I work with Batman the more amazing he seems”. I sense a Batman cult brewing. For every one of the 14 witnesses that Batman calls to the stand, Pierre does no cross examination of any of them. Batman gives his final argument but Pierre simply waives summation and says they stand on their plea of “not guilty”. The judge tells the jury to go to the jury room but the jury foreman tells him they’ve already decided and they find the defendants not guilty. The foreman’s fake moustache almost comes off and Robin recognizes him as Marvin the Moose, who used to work with Catwoman. Batman recognizes another member of the jury as also a former henchman of Catwoman. Batman moves for a new trial on the grounds of a prejudicial jury. Catwoman orders her men to attack. There is a bit of a struggle between Catwoman and Batgirl but Batgirl pushes her into the arms of Chief O’Hara. The judge hits Joker over the head with his gavel. Catwoman and Joker are taken away. Later Barbara Gordon sees Louis the Lilac at the library as he tells her he plans on cornering the perfume market.

            The judge was played by Rusty Lane, who became a teacher of public speaking. He was a college professor for 14 years and staged plays at the university. During WWII he worked for the Red Cross entertaining troops in England and got the US Army to stage the play The Eve of St Mark. His Broadway debut was in Decision in 1944. His film debut was in The House on 92nd Street. His radio debut was on the series Grand Central Station. He starred in the 1951 TV series Crime With Father. He played Porphory Pete on the series Captain Video and His Video Rangers. He had a regular supporting role on Operation Neptune. He was a regular on the soap opera The Clear Horizon for its life of two years. 

            This was the last screen appearance of Eartha Kitt for a while because she was blacklisted after this for insulting Lady Bird Johnson in the White House during a protest about civil rights.