Monday, 8 May 2017

The Dancing Man with the Big Cigar Said, "No Smiling!"



            On Saturday morning at around 9:45 I went to the food bank. It was another chilly day for a line-up and so most everyone had marked their places with backpacks, carts or bags. There were only two people in the general area that looked like it might be the back of the line. The tall guy in the grey plaid coat with the grey hoody was someone that I recognized from seeing him several times at the previous location. He was standing and leaning against the wall of 1501 Queen Street near where it meets 1499, where the food bank is located. The tall, slim younger man in the red pirate bandana was moving around ceaselessly while laughing to himself and making various dramatic hand gestures from time to time.
            I asked the dude in the grey coat who the last person in line was and he seemed annoyed by the question. He tensely pointed at the black backpack at the end of the row of bags and carts and growled, “Right fuckin there!” Since not everyone marks their places in line, his answer meant nothing to me. I said, “That’s a backpack, not a person! I’d like to know which person I’m behind!” He barked, “I don’t fuckin know! Why are you bothering me with these questions?” I informed him that all he’d had to say in the first place was that he didn’t know. He yelled, “You know what? Fuck off!” I told him that there was no reason to be rude, since we’re all in this together. A few minutes later he apologized for his behaviour and asserted more calmly this time, “I just don’t know who the last person in line is.” Then he started explaining that some things were setting him off. Indicating the man in the red bandana, he grumbled, “We got this wingnut bouncin around like a retard!”
            I asked the man in the bandanna who the last person in line was. He raised his forearms, twisted his wrists inward and then pointed both index fingers at himself. A little later he was throwing punches while the man in grey carped mockingly but under his breath, “What are you? A boxer?” The bandanad guy mimed a golf swing towards the other side of Queen Street and then giggled like the Joker.
            It was a cold day. The guy in grey told me I could go inside the doorway where everybody else was and get warm. I shook my head and assured him that they would all be kicked out soon because of the fire regulations. He gestured toward the entrance to the apartment building that he was leaning on and informed me that he used to work for the guy that owns it. He declared that the 1501 owner wasn’t too happy about the food bank line-up standing in front of his place.
            It was also a windy day. Ahead of the black backpack in front of me were two colourful, reusable shopping bags from Freshco. I remembered seeing similar bags last time marking the place of the little Indonesian woman with the embroidered baby blue hijab. A gust blew one of the bags out into the middle of the sidewalk, so I went to get it and put it back. A few minutes later it sailed out a little further and so I retrieved it again. After about ten minutes or so it once gain made a run for it and I was only able to snag it just as it had cleared the pedestrian area and was about to start dancing with the vehicles.
            As usual, the smoking was out of control and it was very hard to avoid because the furthest I could go was the edge of the sidewalk and in any other direction I had to walk a long way before clearing the second hand smoke.
            The guy in the red bandana bummed a cigarette and had a brief conversation about having not been to the food bank for two months. It always amazes me how people that appear to be hearing voices can still have immediate communication in the real world and then seamlessly return to the internal dialogue.
            One thing interesting about the new location is that the food bank line-up is right next door to the entrance to the PARC drop-in centre that has its own collection of regular characters. One stubby guy in a fedora and blue sunglasses, who looked something like a human version of the big cigar he was smoking came over from the PARC door to our line-up and suddenly called out, “No smiling! Anybody caught smiling will be sent to CAMH where there are cheese sandwiches and no drinking or smoking!” Of course, CAMH stands for the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, which is the dumbest name for a mental hospital anybody has ever conceived. It uses two contexts of the word “for” in one title. How can one be “for” both addiction and mental health? It should either be “The Centre for Addiction and Mental Illness” or “The Centre for Mental Health and Non-Dependence”. If I were to go to CAMH to tell them all of that though they might lock me up.
            A little later the guy with the cigar came back and, with a smile, repeated his anti-smiling warning. Then he took a very large and antiquated music player out of his pocket, turned it on, put it back in his pants and began dancing. Never once did he take the big half-cigar out of his mouth as he cavorted about to music we couldn’t hear, with his big behind shooting backwards and forwards to the rhythm and (most comically of all for his body type) while making very delicate gestures with his hands. I couldn’t help but start laughing. He continued dancing as he went forward, pushed the button to open the door and then danced inside to take the elevator up to the PARC offices.
            A woman came up and spoke to me by name, but I didn’t let on that I had no idea who she was. I guess she could have either known me from poetry readings or from having drawn or painted me as a model. She asked if this was the line-up for the food bank and wanted to know what the requirements were. I told her she would need some kind of proof of limited income and her address, plus identification. I asked if she was on social assistance but she said she lived off the interest on an RRSP, which was not sufficient to get by. I suggested that if she brought a statement from her bank to indicate her financial situation, there shouldn’t be a problem.
            As the line was about to move, the Indonesian woman came back to her place in line, but her bag was gone. I explained to her that I’d seen it blow away three times and brought it back three times but hadn’t been looking for the last few minutes. She didn’t thank me for my help. There was an elderly man holding an identical bag and standing in line about ten places ahead. She went up to him and quietly took the sac from him and he just calmly nodded as she returned to her place with it.
            The short, grey haired woman who owned the backpack that was directly in front of me came back to reclaim her place in line, along with an older man who seemed like her might be her partner. The guy in the red bandana was standing nearby and making motorboat sounds by blowing through his lips. The grey haired woman asked him if he would please cut it out, but he ignored her. As people started leaving the food bank with groceries, he declared, “I knew there’d be muffins! I’m the smartest cranberry in the patch!”
            Once I was close to the front, the door person called in the next four, but then said to me and the East African guy behind me that we might as well go in too.
            I was client number 28 this time, compared to having been number 17 the week before. After I got my number there was still a line-up for the dairy section. The guy ahead of me asked for pizza because he’d seen people leave with some, but Angie told him there wasn’t any. When I approached the counter she told me she could trust me and left to go to the back. She was gone for at least three minutes and holding up the line. The vegetable lady was looking to the back and wondering what Angie was doing. She came back with a large box, which she opened to give me one of the frozen pizzas inside. There were half litres of 2% milk and I think I was only supposed to get one but she slipped me another. I received two fruit bottom yogourt cups, a plastic bag with seven eggs inside, two bags of McCain’s red potato wedges, and two packages of frozen chilli parathas.
            The vegetable lady gave me two seedless cucumbers, two potatoes and an onion. Then she asked if I wanted to try something new. I asked, “What’s that?” and she passed me a small bag of fingerling potatoes. Of course I took it because I like potatoes but I doubted if I would be trying “something new”. Fingerling potatoes are just a shape and size of several breeds of potato with no distinct flavour from any other shape and size of the same strains.
            From the shelves I got a box of Wheat Thins, a box of Fibre 1 chocolate cheesecake bars and three Clif energy bars: two white chocolate and one chocolate chip.
            They haven’t had pasta sauce for several weeks. This time they had cans of whole tomatoes with herbs and spices. I got a can of chickpeas; one of sliced mushrooms and another of President’s Choice sliced clingstone peaches in concentrated juice (they were actually very good).
            From the soup section I took a carton of beef broth and a can of Campbell’s tomato garden vegetable soup with pea beans and spinach.
            From the shelf with all of the odd packaged products I selected after much hesitation a box of Knorr savoury herb with garlic mix. I guess I can use it with the fingerling potatoes.
            From the cereal section I took a large bag of puffed, apparently honey sweetened cereal.
            I skipped the bread, since I had plenty at home.
            The only meat gained from this food bank adventure was what little bit of ham had been smattered on the frozen pizza.

            

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