Ken and Mitzie Welch

            On Thursday morning I searched for the next Boris Vian song to learn in my 1954 list. He wrote the lyrics for twenty songs that appear in a play about a famous criminal gang called La band à Bonnot. I searched the first seven songs but they’re not available online. The eighth song, L'anguille (The Eel) does have a YouTube file with Magali Noel singing the song and I already have the French lyrics and the first draft of my translation. So tomorrow I’ll start learning that one. 

            I memorized the second verse of the 1972 Gainsbourg song “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo). There are four more verses to learn. 

            I weighed 88.9 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Kramer electric during song practice and it stayed in tune the whole time. Tomorrow I begin a two session stretch of playing my Martin acoustic and I predict it won’t stay in tune. 

            I was behind on my journal so I worked on getting caught up. 

            I weighed 89.55 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and stopped at Freshco on the way back. I could only find three bags of firm grapes so I bought those. I also got two packs of raspberries, some bananas, a loaf of multigrain sandwich bread, a box of spoon sized shredded wheat, and a jar of mild salsa. 

            I weighed 89.3 kilos 18:40. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal and was still a bit behind by suppertime. 

            I had a potato with gravy, and half a pork tenderloin while watching season 5, episode 20 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            Carol brings out Burt Reynolds during the audience warmup. Someone asks how many movies he’s made. He says he’s made about two that he likes. Deliverance is about to come out. 

            Someone asks how he got started and he says he was a stuntman. 

            They do a bunch of short parodies of TV commercials from that time. A flight attendant says, “Hi I’m Helen, fly me to Miami”; another says “I’m Elaine, fly me to New York”, then Harvey in drag says, “I’m Bruce, fly me anywhere”. 

            Burt Reynolds makes his TV singing debut with “As Time Goes By” by Herman Upfeld from 1931. He interacts with some female dancers and “accidentally” pulls off one of their wigs. He leans to kiss another and her settee collapses. He pretends to play piano at the top of a stairs and knocks it off the platform, causing the woman who is leaning on it to fall. She gets up and he runs to her arms but misses and falls down the stairs and onto a table, breaking it. He finishes the song and then trips as he’s leaving the stage. 

            Harvey does a parody of a Bromo seltzer commercial. He wants relief from a bad hangover but has such a hard time opening the bottle and pouring it that he decides to get relief from more booze.

            Vickie does a parody of a Scope mouthwash commercial. She practices in front of the mirror to tell her karate instructor that he has bad breath. The teacher says he uses Scoop too but then he splashes it on his chest, exhales and knocks her out. 

            In a George and Zelda sketch the couple is camping in the remote wilderness. Zelda is constantly complaining. She goes into the tent and George says he can’t take it anymore. He grabs a rifle and fires into the tent. Zelda emerges unscathed and he’s relieved. Then a bear comes out from the bushes and grabs Zelda but she punches it in the stomach. George begs the bear to kill him while Zelda nags. The bear shakes its head, gives George a sympathetic pat and then walks away. George points the gun at Zelda but she grabs it and bends it over her knee. 

            In a parody of a Nyquil commercial Nanette Fabray introduces Harvey to Night Night. He goes right to sleep and then her boyfriend emerges with champagne. 

            Nanette Fabray sings “The World is a Concerto” by Ken and Mitzie Welch from the 1973 album Barbara Streisand and Other Musical Instruments. The dancers do a lot of cultural appropriation to represent music of different parts of the world, like Scotland, Japan, Spain, and India. Nanette also sings with American sign language. 

            Carol plays an ordinary housewife doing a natural commercial for Cool Power laundry soap. Suddenly she becomes exaggeratedly theatrical and has to be dragged away. 

            Transcontinental Airlines is the only one with a piano bar in its coach lounge. Burt decides to play it but the other passengers throw him out of the plane. 

            Carol plays a college librarian shushing students who are trying to romantically connect. She overhears them saying that if anybody asked her for a date she’d probably faint and it must be awful not having anybody. The students leave and Carol sings a song about various relationships that led her to meeting “Al”. I posted the lyrics to the first two verses but there are no matches. The second verse talks about almost marrying a practicing atheist from the Peace Corps who’s now on acid in a Canadian hotel.

            There is a parody of The Scarlet Pimpernel called The Lavender Pimpernel. The Duke played by Harvey is about to marry Gabrielle Pomme de Terre played by Carol and it will make him the most powerful duke in France. His aide de camp Charles de Gaye is an over the top effeminate man played by Burt but who is secretly the very masculine hero the Lavender Pimpernel who plans to stop the wedding and save France. His only change between identities is that he removes a fake beauty mark from his cheek to become the hero and nobody can recognize him. Gabrielle meets de Gaye and tells him he’s what’s wrong with France. Later the Pimpernel smashes through Gabrielle’s bedroom window. She and her handmaiden played by Nanette say “The Lavender Pimpernel!” He says, “You’ve heard of me?” They say no. Later the Pimpernel stops the wedding and duels with the Duke. While he’s holding out his sword three guards impale themselves on it and so he sword fights the duke with the end of the sword that’s sticking out from the guards. He kills the duke. Now that France is free he and Gabrielle can smash through the door instead of the window. 

            The last musical number is derived from the completion of the railroad that united east and west in the US. Easterners join with westerners in a blending of their cultures. 

            Ken and Mitzie Welch made up a husband and wife song writing team. Ken wrote comedy material for Carol Burnett for her early auditions such as for Garry Moore. He accompanied Carol on piano and wrote songs for her nightclub act. He wrote for the Garry Moore Show and wrote Julie and Carol at Carnegie Hall. Songs on the Carol Burnett Show that were sung during musical numbers that did not use hit songs were probably written by them. The “Al” song that Carol sang was not credited but I suspect they wrote it. Also popular songs were given additional or alternative lyrics in order to fit a theme and this team was likely behind it. They worked on the Carol Burnett Show from 1971 to 1978. They wrote the original songs for the TV special Barbara Streisand and Other Musical Instruments. Mitzi co-wrote an Olivia Newton John TV special and the Star Wars Holiday Special. They shared 19 Emmy nominations and each won 5.

May 8, 1996: Brian Haddon and I featured at Fat Albert's as Christian and the Lions

Thirty years ago today

            On Wednesday Brian Haddon and I busked in the afternoon while rehearsing for our feature that night at Fat Albert’s. We went to the Philosopher’s Walk and sat on a bench beside the Royal Conservatory of Music. We made a bit of money but not much. 

            That night at Fat Albert’s with me on acoustic guitar and vocals and Brian on recorder we performed my songs “Instructions for Electroshock Therapy” and “Megaphor”. Then I broke a string and Brian just entertained the audience with his recorder while I took quite a while to change it and tune up. I commented that they make a lot of noise at the Royal Conservatory and they’re gonna get themselves evicted. We then performed my songs “The Next State of Grace” and “Me and Gravity” at the end of which I collapsed onstage as part of the show.

Ray Charles

            On Wednesday morning I finally succeeded in confirming my identity to Facebook so I could post “Ballad of a Dealer”, my translation of “Ballade de la chnoufe” by Boris Vian on my Boris Vian page. I’d spent about three and a half hours over the last two days trying and failing to figure out how to prove who I am when I’ve had the page for more than ten years. Finally today I was able to do it through Facebook on my phone and all I needed to do was fill in a security code that they sent to my phone. So I posted “Ballad of a Dealer” on the Boris Vian page and on my personal Facebook page. 

            I posted “Black Dress Shoes and Funeral Parlours”, my translation of “Chaussures noires et pompes funèbres” by Serge Gainsbourg on Facebook. I memorized the first verse of the 1972 Gainsbourg song “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo). 

            I weighed 88.65 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time. 

            Around midday I painted the top half of the wire rack in my bathroom with “Blue Bliss”. On Friday I’ll do the bottom. On Tuesday if it doesn’t need touch-ups I’ll mount it on the eastern wall under the shelves and over the toilet. 

            I weighed 89.7 kilos before lunch. I had saltines with five-year-old cheddar and a glass of iced tea. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and stopped at Freshco on the way back to buy grapes but they were all too soft. I walked across the street to Metro where I found one bag of firm red grapes and another of green. 

            I weighed 88.8 kilos at 18:35, which is the lightest I’ve been in the evening since April 15. 

            I was behind on my journal and still wasn’t caught up by suppertime. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, two sliced honey garlic sausages, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 5, episode 17 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            In the first skit Harvey and Vicki play a husband and wife with a tomboy daughter named Charlotte, played by Carol, who prefers being called Charlie. The mother complains that she wants her daughter back and so the father makes Charlie put on a dress, some high heels and a bow in her hair. Her friend Frankie, played by Tim Conway, comes to visit. The father makes the kids dance but they start liking it and so he makes them stop. Frankie leaves and Charlie walks him home. She tells her father she’s going to sleep over. 

            Ray Charles sings his own version of the 1970 song “Look What They Done To My Song Ma” by Melanie Safka. Ray of course throws in a lot of his own talking lyrics in between lines. 

            Harvey plays a billboard hanger named Brannigan and Tim Conway plays his first day apprentice Vergil who comes with a note from his mommy that says to make sure he gets his milk and has a nap after lunch. They have to go up on a suspended scaffold that they elevate by pulling on ropes on each end but Vergil is afraid of heights. Finally Brannigan gets Vergil to go up but once they are very high he looks down and freaks out and almost flips the scaffold. Brannigan decides to have lunch before they start. Vergil doesn’t want to look down so when he tries to pour hot soup from his thermos to his cup it goes in his lap. Brannigan tosses him an orange but Vergil falls off while reaching for it and has to climb back up. Vergil puts his hand in the bucket of glue. There’s a pigeon on the scaffold and Brannigan tells Vergil to get rid of it but it sticks to his gluey hand and he can’t throw it off. Brannigan’s hat blows off and he lowers the scaffold to get it, leaving Vergil clinging to the wall. 

            They do a movie called Sinful Woman. Carol plays Gladys, a woman on death row who will be frying in the electric chair in the next few minutes. Tim plays a priest there to comfort her. She tells him her story. She was a saloon girl in a sleezy bar. Ronald Worthington the broken hearted millionaire comes in looking for the cheapest, homeliest, most pathetic dame in the joint. He offers to buy Gladys a drink. She tells him she was worse off than those born on the other side of the tracks. She was born on the tracks and her mother was run over by a train just after giving birth. He asks her to marry him and she agrees. But his family has the marriage annulled and Ronald marries a debutante named Cynthia. Gladys comes to the door with their baby son. She threatens to expose Ronald but when she learns he is running for governor she decides not to hurt his chances. Cynthia says the child would be better off with them. Gladys says, “Get your own child” but that won’t happen because it’s a loveless marriage. There is a tug of war and the baby stretches several centimeters. Gladys makes the sacrifice and walks away alone. Years later Gladys is working as a maid and goes back to the mansion, not quite remembering it. She sees Ronald’s portrait and remembers but learns that Ronald is dead and their son Ronald Jr. is now an adult, identical to Ronald. She doesn’t reveal who she is but behaves maternally towards Ronald Jr. Ronald is a successful DA who wants to be governor like his father. Gladys’s old boss at the saloon comes to try to blackmail her. She pushes him away and he pulls a gun. She struggles with him and he is shot and so she goes on trial for murder. Ronald is the prosecutor. She feels a duty as his mother to sacrifice herself for his success and so she urges him get the biggest conviction possible, which is the death sentence, in order to advance his career, and so he does. She finishes her story and finds the priest asleep. They come for Gladys for that final walk when now Governor Ronald Worthington comes to see her. He says he now knows that she’s his mother and even though he has the power of pardon he just gives her a bouquet to carry with her to the chair and says, “Happy Mothers Day”. 

            In the final segment, Carol’s Charwoman character comes to clean up the set of a Ray Charles performance. She begins to imagine hearing the music and then dancers appear beside her. They dance to the right and there is Ray at the piano. He sings, “It started with the 12 bar down home straight ahead blues… It turned into Gospel, it turned into Soul, it turned into Dixie, Jazz, and Rock and Roll... It turned into pop. It kept on turnin and it just won’t stop.” He repeats the beginning while Carol sings a bit of “Kansas City” by Jerry Lieber and Mike Stoller, then she dances a bit with the dancers. Ray sings “Old Folks at Home (Way Down Upon the Swanee River)” by Stephen Foster from 1851. Then he sings the 1939 song “You Are My Sunshine” by Jimmie Davis and Charles Mitchell (That’s the first song I remember knowing how to sing when I was small). Then the 1914 song “St. Louis Blues” by W.C. Handy. Then Carol joins him on “Cryin Time” from 1964 by Buck Owens. Then Ray sings the 1930 song “Georgia on My Mind” by Hoagy Carmichael and Stuart Gorrel. Then Carol keeps singing that while Ray sings “Yesterday” by John Lennon and Paul McCartney. Carol sings bits of “Blues in the Night” by Harold Arlen and Johnny Mercer and “God Bless the Child” by Billie Holiday and Arthur Herzog Jr from 1941. Then they sing “Hallelujah I Love Her So” by Ray Charles from 1955. He finishes with the song he started. 

            Ray Charles developed glaucoma at the age of 5 and was completely blind by the time he turned 7. He studied music at the State School for Deaf and Blind Children, learning to play multiple instruments but with special talent for piano. He learned to read and write music with braille. He lost his virginity at the age of 12. He joined a country band called the Florida Playboys when he was 16. He joined the Lowell Fulson Band and they signed to Atlantic Records. His first hit was “Confession Blues” in 1949. In 1951 he had a #5 hit with “Baby Let Me Hold Your Hand”. “Mess Around”, “I Got a Woman” and “What’d I Say” followed. “What’d I say was his first top ten hit on the pop charts. Doing soulful versions of country songs was something no black performer had done before and it made him even more popular. He hired The Cookies as his backup singers and changed their name to the Raelettes. He signed with Paramount after they offered him an unheard of 75 cents for every dollar. and had even bigger hits with “I Can’t Stop Loving You”, “Hit the Road Jack”, “Busted”, and “Georgia on My Mind” (which became the state song of Georgia) . By 1961 he’d stopped writing songs and just focused on uniquely soulful covers of other people’s songs. His film debut was in Swingin Along in 1961. He starred in Ballad in Blue. He was a junkie for twenty years but recovered by 1965. “Let’s Go Get Stoned” was his first hit in a long time. He hosted Saturday Night Live in 1977. He appeared three times on Sesame Street and four times on Super Dave. He played Sammy on The Nanny. In 1986 he recorded the duet “Baby Grand” with Billy Joel. His posthumously released album of duets Genius Loves Company wone the Grammies for Album of the Year and Record of the Year. His duet with Willie Naelson “Seven Spanish Angels” was #1 on the country charts. He had 12 children in and out of marriage. He got to drive a car by himself in Death Valley for a commercial and said it was one of the most exciting experiences of his life. He became a chess playing fanatic during his heroin recovery and liked to play games before concerts. He said Willie Nelson was his chess partner. He admire Nat King Cole and imitated him early on. He was not impressed by Elvis Presley. Billy Joel said Ray Charles was more important than Elvis. Sinatra said Ray Charles was the only true genius in in show business. He was one of the first singers to own his master recordings. He won 18 Grammy Awards. In 1981 he was criticized for defying the cultural ban of Apartheid and touring South Africa.

May 7, 1996: As usual I hosted the Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage

Thirty years ago today

            On Tuesday night as always I hosted my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage in the Art Bar of the Gladstone Hotel.

Al Schultz

            On Tuesday I tried again to post a link to my blog on my Boris Vian Facebook page as I‘ve done hundreds of times, Facebook blocked me and wanted me to confirm my identity. I spent the next two hours trying to figure out how to do that. I downloaded a Google Authenticator app but that didn’t seem to help. I don’t know if they really want me to upload my government issued identification, which is scary. I tried accessing the Boris Vian page on my phone and they asked me to enter a code they sent through texting but when I got the code I lost the place where I was supposed to enter it. I’ll try again tomorrow. 

            I weighed 88.85 kilos before breakfast.

            I called Forest Hill Health Centre and made an appointment for May 19 with Dr. Shechtman for my annual physical.

            I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the last of four sessions and it went out of tune during ever song. 

            I skipped my normal activities to sweep the floors because my landlord was coming over to take pictures of my place. He and the landlady came just after I was finished. I told them to make it quick but Raja said it would take two hours. They were talking in their native language, which wouldn’t normally bother me but I knew they were plotting against me. In my bedroom they were pointing at my upper storage shelf across the room from the bed and the only word I understood was “bedbugs”. Meaning they think that the bedbugs I complain about are living in that storage area, which is not how bedbugs operate. They are intent on blaming me for the bedbugs despite the fact that the last time pest control was here two years ago the bedbug nests were found in the units of the tenants who never complained about them and none were found in my place. I was worried they were going ask me to move my furniture, because I would have refused, but they were done in fifteen minutes. They again accused me of causing the flood in the yet to open new Popeyes restaurant downstairs. I again asserted that most of the leakages that have occurred were caused by their faulty plumbing to which Raja called me the biggest liar in the building. They say they are taking me to court so if I get the eviction notice I’ll be contacting Parkdale Legal soon. 

            I weighed 89.85 kilos before lunch. In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown but on the way back near York and Richmond I got a flat tire. I searched with my phone for nearby bike shops and discovered there’s Repair and Run at around Peter and Queen. I walked there and Jason the manager got his mechanic working on it right away. He was a lot slower at it than the guys at Metro Cycles and it took about half an hour. Most of the business they do seems to be electric scooters and it looks like they rent or sell second hand ones. Jason discouraged one guy from buying one in particular because the battery alone was almost $500. I think Jason is more of an old fashioned bike person. We discussed Raleighs and disk brakes. He thinks Gordon at Metro is wrong when he says it’s natural for disk brakes to squeak. For the new tube and the labour I paid $48.58. 

            I got home a little after 18:30. 

            I weighed 89.25 kilos at 18:55. 

            I was behind in my journal and wasn’t caught up at suppertime. I roasted two pork tenderloins and had half of one with a small potato and gravy while watching season 5, episode 8 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup a 16 year old asks, “They say actors are never appreciated. Were you popular as a child?” Carol is impressed with the kid and asks if he’s interested in an older woman. She says she had mostly girlfriends in school. She was very athletic and could outrun any boy up until Grade 9. 

            Harvey Korman’s nephew asks how long it took her to get where she is. She says she became interested in show business when she was 19. 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch Chrissie’s boyfriend Stanley is coming by. Roger comes home early to meet him but got into fight with another younger driver on the way. Roger leaves the room and Stanley arrives, telling Carol about this obnoxious older driver he got into a fight with on the way there. Carol works on keeping Roger from seeing Stanley and Chrissie keeps moving Stanley into different rooms to avoid Roger. But they finally see each other and it turns out that neither of them is the one the other encountered. Carol tells Roger she was trying to protect him. He says, “You really think a little guy like Stanley could beat me up?” Stanley says, “If I’d hit you you’d still be laying there”. It escalates until Stanley grabs Roger’s sore nose and he collapses in pain. Chrissie gets Stanley out of there. 

            The dancers are dressed in imitation of a Romani stereotype but the men’s costumes are gold lamé and the women’s are white chiffon with glitter. While they dance, Cass Elliot sings “The Look of Love” by Burt Bacharach and Hal David.

            Carol and Harvey’s characters the snooty theatrical couple of Funt and Mundane are doing teleplay but the sound effects man, played by Lyle is drunk and out to get them. He uses all the wrong sound effects with perfect timing though. When Carol blows her nose it sound like an old car horn. When Harvey pours a glass of wine it sounds like pebbles being poured into a bucket. The telephone ringing sounds like a fart. When Harvey sits down there’s the sound of ripping fabric. Finally they charge the sound booth and attack Lyle. 

            Bernadette Peters sings the 1966 song “Cherish” by Terry Kirkman of The Association and then the 1924 song “It Had to be You” by Isham Jones and Gus Kahn. 

            In As the Stomach Turns Marian’s high school friend Suzi Shrimpton, who left Canoga Falls to become a high fashion model returns after ten years. She is now no longer the skinny model that Marian knew. She is played by Cass Elliot and every move she makes is a fashion pose. She says she’s tired of exercising and starving herself. She is dreaming of her childhood sweetheart who just happens to ring the doorbell. It’s the avant garde filmmaker Randy Wahoo (a loose parody of Andy Warhol) played by Harvey. He comes in holding a camera in one hand and shooting his other hand. He’s been filming his hand for 86 hours. When he sees Suzie he falls in love with the back of her right shoulder and says he’s going to star it in his next picture. he asks her to marry him and she says yes. The next guest, played by Bernadette is Sister Ruby the tap dancing nun. The announcer asks about Marian’s daughter’s job at the topless drive-in. Is she a good waitress or just putting up a front? 

            While the dancers dynamically decorate the scene, Carol, Cass and Bernadette sing an extremely up-tempo version of “You’ve Got a Friend” by Carol King. I was obsessed with James Taylor’s version of that song when I was fifteen. I used to lie in bed with my transistor searching for the song and as soon as it was over I’d find another station that was playing it. They throw in a little bit of “Monday Monday” by John Phillips of Cass’s old group The Mamas and Papas. 

            The main makeup artist for the Carol Burnett Show was Al Schultz, who was a star football player in college but a knee injury ended that path of his life. he moved to Hollywood and worked as a grip and camera dolly operator until he found his calling in makeup in the mid 60s. He worked for Hollywood Squares, Laugh-In, The Merv Griffin Show, and The Dean Martin Show. In 1972 he was promoted to head of CBS Make-up West Coast. He was married to Vicki Lawrence for 50 years until he died.

April 6, 1996: Brian Haddon and I rehearsed at my place

Thirty years ago today

            On Monday Brian Haddon and I got together at my place to rehearse for our Wednesday feature at Fat Albert’s.

Bing Crosby

            On Monday morning I posted a photo on my Boris Vian Facebook page but when I tried to post a link to my blog as I ‘ve done hundreds of times, Facebook blocked me and wanted me to confirm my identity. I spent the next hour and a half trying figure out how to do that. It either involved uploading a copy of my government issued identification or using a Google pin number. I tried to do that but that was a rabble hole as well. I gave up for today. 

            I weighed 89.3 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since last Monday. 

            I played my Martin acoustic for song practice and it went out of tune during every song. 

            I weighed 89.8 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. It was 21 degrees and I wore my long sleeved shirt unbuttoned on top of my tank top. But it was actually chilly riding north and so I buttoned my shirt. Heading east though I unbuttoned it again. 

            I weighed 89.45 kilos at 17:45. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 18:29. 

            I finished the digitization of the cassette tape I started working on yesterday of a rehearsal with Donna Bartkiw and another with Brian Haddon. I had to record with the microphone to the speaker for this tape but the sound comes out of different speakers for different sections. For the digitization of Donna’s song I needed to put the mic to the left speaker but the final conversation about meeting for the performance at The Riot Gallery came out of the right speaker. Anyway, that’s done. Next I’ll digitize the recording of my performance at Fat Albert’s accompanied by Brian Haddon on recorder back in 1996. 

            I had a small potato with gravy and my last three chicken drumsticks while watching season 5, episode 7 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During audience warmup someone asks Carol what she would want to reincarnate as. She says Raquel Welch. 

            The first skit is The Old Folks, Molly and Burt starring Carol and Harvey. They will be leaving soon for the Veterans Day parade. Burt is wearing his WWI uniform. They are sitting in their rockers and Burt is reminiscing about a girl he met in France. He starts singing “Mademoiselle from Armentières” perhaps written by Canadians Edward Rowland and Gitz Rice. Then he sings “Over There” by George M. Cohan, and Molly says “It’s over over here too”. Henry comes in his officer’s uniform and sits with them. He’ll be marching in the parade with Burt but he won’t let Burt forget he was his commanding officer. Henry laments that no one cares about WWI vets but Molly says they do and they begin singing “Before the Parade Passes By” by Jerry Herman from the 1964 musical Hello Dolly. 

            Bing Crosby sings “Put a Little Love in Your Heart” by Jackie de Shannon, Jimmy Holiday, and Randy Myers. He then sings “Love They Neighbour” by Mack Gordon and Harry revel from the 1934 film We’re Not Dressing starring Bing Crosby. 

            In As the Stomach Turns Marion is saying goodbye to her portrait painter. He says he’s never painted anyone in the nude before. He usually keeps his clothes on. 

            Mel Torment the town masochist comes to visit. He tricks her into slamming the door on his hand and then puts his hand in the way as she pours him hot coffee. He begs her to beat him. he says he hates his wife because she’s an angel. Father Sarge the policeman who became a priest comes by to give Marian a ticket for double parking. He says last week he raided his own bingo game. Harvey arrives in drag as a Jewish mother named Marcus and Carol has to turn her head away from the camera to hide her laughing. Marcus tells Mel he knows nothing about suffering since he doesn’t have children. She offers him chicken soup for his problem. He refuses to have any and so she spanks him with a frying pan and he begs for more. 

            Carol approaches Bing and he starts singing a poem the source of which I can’t find: “Pause time in they flight / a vision of such loveliness appears within my sight / Such diffident humility is quite a rare delight”. They perform the song “Sing”, which was written by Joe Raposo for Sesame Street in 1971 and was a hit for the Carpenters. Then they sing “Get Happy” by Harold Arlen and Ted Koehler from the 1930 musical The Nine-Fifteen Revue. 

            Carol introduces the Ernie Flatt Dancers one by one: Carl Jablonski, Don Crichton, Stan Mazin, Ed Kerrigan, Eddie Heim, Roy Smith, Bobbie Bates, Patti Tribble, Shirley Kirkes, Kathie King, Gerri Reddick, and Bonnie Evans. They do an energetic dance to a funky instrumental with the only lyric “Feelin so good”. 

            The rest of the show is the story The Drunkard’s Daughter. Carol plays the daughter and Bing plays the drunkard. She believes he’s given up demon rum but he’s sneaky. She is playing piano and it sounds wrong. She finds a hidden bottle inside. She reminds him that he promised her late mother that he would give it up. He says he’ll take this instrument of the devil and throw it into the flame. He tosses his late wife’s portrait into the fireplace. Meany and Moe the villainous bankers come to foreclose on the house. They are played by Harvey Korman and Paul Lynde, and Harvey again imitates Lynde’s distinctive voice. The audience boos. The bankers say “Boos don’t bother us”. The drunkard says, “Booze don’t bother me either”. They offer to save the home if they can both marry the daughter. They try to take her by force but then Sergeant Jack Strongheart of the Mounties arrives played by Lyle. Meanie and Moe take the drunkard to the tavern to get him drunk so he will sign over the house and his daughter. At the tavern Vicki plays a French showgirl called The Painted Lady. The daughter tries to stop the bankers with the help of Strongheart. The bankers get the Painted Lady to tempt the Mountie. He asks the audience how he should choose between an hour of passion and a life of happiness and they cheer for the daughter. Strongheart tells the daughter, “I’ll see you in an hour”. She tells the bankers she’ll marry both of them and seals the deal with a drink and gets them drunk. A bunch of anti-booze women come in and smash up the place. Everybody repents including the Painted Lady. Bing Crosby played drums for a high school dance band called the Musicaladers for two years until 1925. In 1925 he played with The Clemmer Trio providing musical soundtracks for silent films in movie theatres. He started studying law but was more interested in playing drums for a jazz band. He moved to LA with Al Rinker and their syncopated music was very popular with college students. From 1929 to 1930 he was with the Rhythm Boys in New York. He became a lead singer for several popular big bands like Bix Beiderbeck, Tommy Dorsey, and Hoagy Carmichael. In 1928 he had his first #1 hit with “Ol’ Man River”. The Rhythm Boys appeared in the film King of Jazz. The president of CBS heard a record of Bing singing “I Surrender Dear” and he put him on the radio. In 1931 the radio show “Fifteen Minutes with Bing Crosby” became a hit. “Out of Nowhere”, “At Your Command” and “I Found a Million Dollar Baby in a Five and Ten Cent Store” were among the biggest hits of the year. He became a radio star which led to his appearance in the film The Big Broadcast in 1932 featuring radio stars. He became a movie star. He made money during the Depression while other stars floundered. He helped to save the phonograph record business from collapsing. He hosted Kraft Music Hall from 1936 to 1946 and his popular theme song “Where the Blue of the night Meets the Gold of the Day” featured his trademark whistling. Whereas before, singers had to belt out songs without microphones in theatres, Crosby popularized crooning and phrasing (giving equal emphasis to the words and music). He wrote or co-wrote the lyrics for 22 songs. The biggest hit among those was “I Don’t Stand a Ghost of a Chance With You”. He had 41 #1 hits. He did a series of Road comedies with Bob Hope. He was the most popular performer for troops fighting in WWII. The day after he introduced a song on the radio at least 50,000 copies were sold. He won an Academy Award for his performance in Going My Way in 1944. He starred in The Country Girl, She Loves Me Not, The Bells of St Mary’s (for which he was nominated for an Oscar), Blue Skies, Road to Utopia, Pennies from Heaven, Holiday Inn, The Road to Hong Kong, Road to Singapore, Road to Zanzibar, Road to Morocco, Road to Rio, Road to Bali, The Adventures of Ichabod and Mister Toad, High Time, Now You Has Jazz, Little Boy Lost, Man On Fire, Rhythm on the River, He co-starred in Going Hollywood. At the turn of the century he was the third most popular movie actor in history. He introduced the songs White Christmas (the biggest selling song of all time), Swinging on a Star, and In the Cool Cool Cool of the Evening. He was the first performer to pre-tape his radio shows and to copy his studio recordings onto magnetic tape. With taping he elevated the art of radio production. He invested in the Ampex tape recorder company and gave one to Les Paul with which Paul invented multitrack recording. He also helped to advance the development of videotape. He owned several TV stations. He spent two months in jail for drunk driving around 1930. . He advocated decriminalization of cannabis. In 1948 he was considered the most admired man alive. Bing Crosby Productions produced Ben Casey and Hogan’s Heroes. He owned a lot of stock in Minute Maid and did commercials for the product. He always wore a hat because he was bald by his early thirties. He was notorious for his bad taste in casual clothing. He had 23 gold records and two platinum: White Christmas and Silent Night. He was a big admirer of Louis Armstrong’s voice and Al Jolson’s performing. He helped to expose Armstrong to film audiences. The creators of Columbo wanted Bing to play the detective. He turned it down because he thought it would interfere with his golfing. In his last TV appearance he sang a duet with David Bowie. He died in 1977 while playing golf in Spain after a sold out performance at the London Palladium. He won the match and said “Let’s go get a Coke” before his heart attack. At that time he was the biggest selling recording artist in history. He owned 15% of the Pittsburgh Pirates. His son Gary wrote Going My Own Way, which depicted his father as cruel, cold, and abusive. Two of his sons died by suicide. He said there wasn’t a thing Judy Garland couldn’t do except look after herself.