Jim Bailey

            On Thursday morning I finished running through singing and playing “Ballad of a Dealer”, my translation of “Ballade de la chnoufe” by Boris Vian. I uploaded the song to my Christian’s Translations blog and began preparing it for publication. 

            I worked out the chords for the first verse of “Dessous mon pull” (Under My Sweater) by Serge Gainsbourg. All the other verses should have the same chords so tomorrow I’ll work them out for the chorus.

            I weighed 89.8 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since March 4. 

            I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the last of two sessions and it went out of tune most of the time. 

            I was a day behind in my journal again and worked on getting caught up. 

            I weighed 90.45 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and on the way back stopped at Freshco where I bought six bags of grapes but spent a lot of time picking through all of the grapes, removing the soft ones and putting the firmest ones from some bags into others. I also got a pack of raspberries, some bananas, a pack of pork souvlaki, a pack of honey garlic sausages, a big tin of Full City Dark coffee (I usually buy the smaller packs of the same brand because they seem to be fresher but the tin was $3 off with a Scene card so I thought I’d try it), shaving gel, Sensodyne toothpaste, and two-in-one shampoo-conditioner. I did a price match on the grapes with the real Canadian Superstore price of $3.95 a kilo but it took some time because my cashier Isabella got confused. They’re only supposed to price match on a limit of four items and I’d always thought it was just a count but it turns out that the computer does the counting of how many of the price match are weighed. So technically they can just pile up all the bags of grapes on the scale and the computer would read it as one item. She had to ask her supervisor if it was okay and she said it was fine to do that. Isabella said she’s scared of the people in charge. She weighed three bags and then another three. 

            I weighed 90.05 kilos at 18:50. March 7 was the last evening I pushed the scale that far. 

            In the morning I got a notice from YouTube that a video I’d uploaded on September 25, 2010 had been removed because it was hate speech. This was an audio of a poem by and recited by the late William Baker called “Requiem for a Queer” that was recorded during my first 20,000 Poets Under the League poetry slam in July of 1996. They said that I could appeal and I did but there was no comment window for me to explain why it wasn’t hate speech. When I got home there was an email telling me that the review confirmed that it was hate speech. It’s bizarre that a poem by a gay man that sheds a light on violent hatred towards queers would be considered hate speech. Here is the poem: 

Requiem for a Queer 

It’s a saxophone blues night 

The skies relieve themselves

into the steambath of the day 

Grimy streetlights encourage shadows 

and down the block Stiletto Heels 

click signature on the nightsweat of the streets 

There are no neighbours in this neighbourhood 

Just ethnic rivalries that stretch

across the alleyways like Monday clotheslines

Squalid stairwells filled with smells of drying piss

lead up into the emptiness of overcrowded rooms

Stiletto Hells now stops to pose and light a cigarette 

Windows gape encrusted with despair 

and radios ricochet invasively 

The alley walls serve well the spraypaint generation 

“Suck” this

“Fuck” that 

“Mary gives great head” 

“Fags should die”

Stiletto heels moves on with flair 

and from a darkened doorway 

the orange glow from deeply sucked in heady smoke

invites Stiletto Heels to hesitate 

A shadowed arm springs out and grabs his neck 

A startled cry escapes cut short by a single bullet to the head 

Stiletto slowly slips off toppled heels 

a rag-doll folding in the gutter 

as up above a radio signing off plays 

“God Save the Queen” 

 William Baker, May, 1996 

            I was still behind on my journal at suppertime. 

            I roasted two pork tenderloins and had half of one with a potato and gravy while watching season 4, episode 5 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone asks Carol what the most embarrassing question she’s been asked. She says, “Whether or not I’ve had a sex change”. 

            A guy asked how long she’s had a driver’s license. She says it’s been about five years because she never got one until she came out to LA. She wonders why he asked and he says, “I’ve seen you drive”. 

            She introduces a couple of people in the audience: Jim Bailey, who she said she saw in Vegas and who was absolutely brilliant. She said he’ll knock everybody out when he’s a guest on her show. She doesn’t mention that he’s a female impersonator. The other person is Jackie Joseph who she says hosts a show in LA and is nuts and a hoot. I remembers her from Little Shop of Horrors. She was also the wife of Ken Berry at that time. 

            The first skit features the Old Folks Burt and Molly played by Harvey and Carol. They are on vacation in Florida. Argue at first and then sing a song together, this time, “My Best Beau” but it doesn’t sound like the one by Jerry Herman from Mame. 

            Ken Berry sings and tap dances to “Mr. Bojangles”, by Jerry Jeff Walker but he literally whitewashed the song as he plays out the lyrics as if he was the famous black dancer Bill Bojangles Robinson, right down to dancing with a child made up to look like a young Shirley Temple who he famously danced with. The version Berry does leaves out the references to meeting Bojangles in jail and him dancing across the cell. They also wrote a couple of extra verses just for this performance. I didn’t realize until looking it up that the person Jerry Jeff met in jail was not Bill Robinson but a white guy who named himself after him. 

            The second skit features Carol as hyper efficient legal secretary Miss Farnham who serves faithfully and is probably in love with the lawyer Mr. Bradley, played by Harvey. He insists that she take a two week vacation because she hasn’t had one in eleven years. She interviews some temporary replacements but they are too good looking so she tells one she’s too short and the other she’s too tall. Then a woman named Myra Blitzer with thick glasses and wearing a lot of very conservative and modest clothing comes in (played by Nanette Fabray) and since she doesn’t look like competition she hires her right away. Then Myra takes off her hat, her glasses, her coat, and her long skirt to reveal a mini skirt underneath and she turns out to be dangerously hot. But Miss Farnham doesn’t notice before Mr. Bradley does and he’s very happy with the choice. Farnham tries to push Myra out the window but misses and falls. 

            Carol shares some artwork from the students of a local Grade 1 class who were asked, “Who is Carol Burnett?” Samples are: “Carol Burnett is a teenager with harder math papers”; Carol Burnett is a dentist who brushes your teeth”; “Carol Burnett is a skinny movie star”; “Carol Burnett is a Negro who plays Julia”; “Carol Burnett is a thin, happy nurse”; “Carol Burnett is a fat nurse and mother”; and “Carol Burnett is on TV and she is young and pretty”. 

            Carol sings a song about nice people still being around. 

            In the next skit Carol plays a flight attendant, Lyle Waggoner plays the hot pilot, Ken Berry plays a priest, Nanette Fabray plays a painted lady, Harvey Korman plays a brilliant brain surgeon turned drunk, and Vickie Lawrence and Don Crichton as the constantly necking honeymooners. Madame Nanette was a successful businesswoman at the age of 12. The priest is reading the Good Book, which is a biography of Danny Thomas. The plane is flying backwards and sometimes upside down in a storm. The flight attendant tells the captain to avoid turbulence because she’s pregnant. The pilot, the co-pilot, and the navigator all say, “Oh no!” at once. Nanette asks Carol that if anything happens to her look up the kid she sent though military school who’s now a general at the Pentagon. He never knew she was his mother. She gives Carol an envelope to give him containing $640,000 (which would be like more than $5 million now). Tell him she was a checkout girl at a supermarket. The co-pilot points out to the captain that #2 engine is on fire. He says, “Good. Maybe it’ll melt the ice on the wing”. They’re flying at sea level but the captain is able to get them up to 5 centimeters. Carol tells the priest she’s pregnant and he marries her to the flight crew. Suddenly all the engines are working and the doctor’s hands have stopped shaking. Carol asks the honeymooners if they are happy. Vickie stops kissing to say, “I certainly am! Aren’t you George?” He says, “George? My name is Stanley!” She suddenly exclaims, “I’m on the wrong plane!” and leaves. 

            In the final song and dance skit it’s the end of the US Civil War. Carol and Nanette are two southern belle sisters arguing over which of them the Colonel is coming home to. The Colonel asks Carol to marry him. Nanette is very upset but Carol says Nanette's been teched in the head ever since Grant took Richmond instead of her. They dance and have a tug of war with the Colonel. He decides he’s not going to marry either of them because he’s a coward. 

            Jim Bailey started performing as a young teen on The Children’s Hour. He studied opera at the Philadelphia Conservatory of Music. His Broadway debut was in Fly Blackbird in 1962. In 1964 he started mimicking famous female celebrities both visually and with his voice. Judy Garland and Phyllis Diller loved his impersonations of them and became friends and mentors. After his performance on the Ed Sullivan Show he became internationally famous. He brought female impersonation into the mainstream. He performed for the queen in 1973 and for the Prince and Princess of Wales in 1992. He appeared six times on The Tonight Show. He appeared at Carnegie Hall 9 times and the London Palladium 17 times. One of his Carnegie performances was recorded and became a hit record. Performing as Judy Garland he and Liza Minelli recreated in Las Vegas the famous Judy and Liza concert.

April 24, 1996: Brian Haddon and I rehearsed

Thirty years ago today

            On Wednesday I rehearsed with Brian Haddon for our upcoming gigs at Fat Albert’s and the Art Bar reading series.

Gail Parent

            On Wednesday morning my left ear was extremely plugged. 

            I ran through singing and playing verses 12 to 18 of “Ballad of a Dealer”, my translation of “Ballade de la chnoufe” by Boris Vian. There are only two more verses to run through and I’ll have that done tomorrow. I’ll also probably have time to upload the song to my Christian’s Translations blog to begin preparing it for publication. 

            I searched for the chords for “Dessous mon pull” (Under My Sweater) by Serge Gainsbourg but no one has posted them. I worked them out for the intro and the first two and a half lines. I tried again to flush out my left ear and dislodged a little bit of wax. It felt a touch clearer afterwards. I weighed 89.15 kilos before breakfast. I played my Martin acoustic for the first of two sessions and it went out of tune for all but a couple of songs.  

            Around the time when I do song practice every day there’s a large man in an electric wheelchair who rides up Dunn Avenue not on the sidewalk but on the road as if his chair was a car. He is totally unconcerned about the cars he is holding up behind him. Dunn is a one way street going north and this morning the man in the wheelchair had gone up to Queen to get his coffee and then he went south, driving towards the oncoming cars and toasting them with his takeout coffee cup. He played chicken with a car and just sat there until the vehicle finally swerved around him. 

            I spent several minutes trying to flush out my left ear with my rubber syringe but it didn’t feel like anything was coming out or that the water was going in very far. 

            Around midday I opened up the “Blue Bliss” paint and did some touch-ups. Everything is pretty much fixed now except a small area between the blue doorframe and pinkish purple wall where I curved the line a bit. It’s barely noticeable and so I won’t try to correct it with the wall paint unless I break it out to do anything major later on. So now technically the bathroom is painted but I still have to clean up where paint got onto the wall tiles, the floor tiles, the sink, and the bathtub. I also have to paint the bathroom wire rack blue and mount it on the wall; paint the lazy Susan pink; and paint the bathroom mirror frame blue and pink before mounting it. 

            I weighed 90.75 kilos before lunch, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the early afternoon since March. 

            I took a siesta at 14:30 and planned to get up at 16:00 but I slept an extra 15 minutes. I had an appointment with my dentist for 17:00 and rushed to get ready. I got there with twenty minutes to spare but they were ready for me right away so I guess someone before me canceled. Dr. Singh fixed the corner of my front filling and said if it comes off again he’ll remove the entire filling and start fresh. I brought my denture with me to see if he could adjust it so it fits because since I got the bone graft the gap is smaller. He tried to shave it down but it was still cutting into my gum so they gave me an appointment with the denturist for next week. 

            It was too late for a bike ride downtown but not for a ride to Ossington and Bloor so I went there and stopped at Freshco on the way home where I bought five bags of grapes and price matched them to the Food Basics price of $6.59 a kilo. 

            I weighed 90 kilos at 18:25. March 7 was the last evening when I was that hard on the scale. I was about a day behind on my journal and so I worked on getting caught up. 

            I made pizza on a slice of seven grain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, the last of my ham chopped, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore while watching season 3, episode 27 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup Carol demonstrates her exercise routine and has a middle aged man from the audience come up to do sit-ups with her. 

            In the first skit Carol and Harvey play their very poor characters Stella and Harry with their fifteen years old juvenile delinquent biker son Brewster played by Lyle and their 11 year old slutty daughter Dulcie played by Vickie. Harry always comes home from not looking for a job with a six pack. Stella says, “Mother warned me you were a good for nothing bum”. He says, “You and your mother!”. “She says, “Not my mother, you’re mother”. They have to fill out their tax return. He starts reading the form and concludes that if he was smart enough to understand it he’d have an income. He puts his occupation down as a freelance executive. Their income was 52 welfare cheques, unemployment insurance, and food stamps. Harry asks Brewster if he had any income last years and he says he stole some hubcaps, swiped a motorsickle, looted a couple of TV sets, and picked some pockets. Brewster says he’s going to his sex education class. Stella says for him to pay attention but he says he’s the teacher. Dulcie says she earned $2000 babysitting. Stella asked who she babysat for and she lists, “Tony, Rocko, Joey, Max, Eddy…” Stella interrupts and says “They don’t have any babies”. Dulcie says it’s easier that way. Dulcie’s leaving and Stella asks what time she’s coming home. She says, “9:00 in the morning”. Stella says, “Good, You know I don’t like you out when it’s dark”. With the kids gone they decide to delay doing their income tax, go up to the roof and make another tax deduction. 

            This is the season finale and so there are no special guests. 

            A dance number features Tony Rizzi on guitar and the Earnie Flatt Dancers. They are kind of dressed for flamenco dancing but what they do is pretty modern with some Spanish dance stylizations.

            In the second skit Fillmore and Pamela Cartwright are going to be featured in the magazine Home Beautiful. Lee Henderson the photographer arrives and comments that he has never seen a more immaculate interior design. The Cartwrights have contributed equally and Fillmore explains that their tastes blend so perfectly that there is not a jarring note in the entire room. Lee goes to get his equipment and then Fillmore thinks that maybe one item is out of place. It’s the ashtray that Pamela bought in Copenhagen. He puts it in a drawer out of sight but Pamela takes it back out. They begin to argue gently as they go back and forth until finally Fillmore simply tosses the ashtray out the window. She responds by throwing out his Thai vase. He smashes her Venetian stemware and she says that was dreadfully middle class of him. He tears down her drapes, then she takes a knife to his imported silk sofa. He smashed her coffee table, she breaks his Grecian urn, he destroys her jade figurines, she totals his Stradivarius violin, and this continues back and forth until the apartment is a disaster area. Then Lee returns and Fillmore and Pamela are ready to happily toast each other for the camera. 

            There is a skit in which there is a similar dance routine to ones of the great 1930s musicals, with the couple in a elegant crowded restaurant who begin dancing dramatically and no one thinks it’s odd as they leap over the furniture. Lyle and Vickie perform such a scene together. Then the same scene is done with an ordinary nerdy couple, Myrna and Walter played by Carol and Harvey. Then to Myrna’s embarrassment and everyone else’s annoyance Walter starts singing “Cheek to Cheek” by Irving Berlin. Then he grabs her and starts spinning her around to her horror, causing chaos in the restaurant until a cop arrives and arrests them. 

            Clive Kensington played by Harvey is a famous actor performing in a hit play that’s been running for two years. A man played by Lyle comes to Clive’s dressing room and says it’s an honour because “This is the first time in two years you’ve spoken to me”. Clive says “You can’t expect me to have the time to speak to all the little people. What do you do?” “I’m the director”. The director informs Clive that his leading lady is ill and being replaced by a “friend” of the producer. Sabrina Hackmeister (played by Carol with blonde hair, large fake breasts and a ditzy manner) come in to greet Clive. On stage they play lovers Franklin and Sylvia. Sylvia is wearing a very tight gold gown and when she walks she bumps and grinds across the floor like a stripper. She has trouble sitting down in the dress. Franklin confesses he owes money to the mob and they’re going to kill him. The hitman arrives and shoots him so he can have his dramatic death scene. He’s trying to impress a movie producer who’s in the audience. She’s holding him and accidentally pulls his toupee off. 

            The Charwoman skit is slightly different than usual. She is cleaning up on the Carol Burnett stage with several familiar sets, such as the “Carol and Sis” set, “The Old Folks” set, and the “As the Stomach Turns” set. She remembers the announcer saying that Marian received an obscene phone call and was so upset that she hung up within ten minutes. She goes through the autograph book that Carol’s guests sign at the end. She sings her theme song, “I’m so glad we had this time together” by Carol’s husband Joe Hamilton but there are extra verses. The end does not have the gathered cast waving goodbye and swaying together but just Carol singing the song and then leaving the empty theatre. 

            One of the writers for The Carol Burnett Show was Gail Parent who worked on 133 episodes. She started as part of a writing team with Kenny Solms. Carol Burnett was her big break. In 1972 her novel Sheila Levine is Dead and Living in New York became a best seller. It was made into a movie starring Jeannie Berlin in 1975 for which she and Solms wrote the screenplay. She and Solms wrote the Broadway musical Lorelei. She co-created The Tim Conway Show and Mary Hartman Mary Hartman. She wrote the screenplay for The Main Event and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. She was also a writer for The Smothers Brothers, Rhoda, and Tracey Takes On. She wrote 12 episodes of The Golden Girls. As a writer she was nominated for 14 Emmys and won two.

April 23, 1996: I hosted my writers open stage as always

Thirty years ago today

            On Tuesday night as always I hosted my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage in the Art Bar of the Gladstone Hotel.

Barbara Feldon

            On Tuesday morning I ran through singing and playing verses 9 to 11 of “Ballad of a Dealer”, my translation of “Ballade de la chnoufe” by Boris Vian. 

            I finished memorizing “Dessous mon pull” (Under My Sweater) by Serge Gainsbourg. Tomorrow I’ll start working out the chords. 

            I weighed 88.85 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Kramer electric during song practice and it stayed in tune about a third of the time. 

            I had to quit song practice two songs early because I needed to get ready to ride to get together with Brian Haddon at the Scotland Yard pub in the Esplanade. We were scheduled to meet at 13:00 and I was pretty much on time with Brian already there when I arrived. For some odd reason I got the idea that I was half an hour early and wondered why Brian was there. We shared a pitcher of Creemore. I had the cheeseburger with fries and he had the fish and chips. The food was excellent but there were big screens on either side of us blasting a football game. We’ll probably get together again at the end of May perhaps at The Artful Dodger. 

            I stopped at No Frills at John and Richmond where I bought three bags of grapes and a box of Earl Grey tea. 

            I took a siesta from 17:00 until about 18:45. 

            I weighed 88.9 kilos at 19:45. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still behind at suppertime. 

            I had a potato with gravy and the five left over little thin-sliced eye of round steaks while watching season 3, episode 17 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            The first sketch was with The Old Folks Mollie and Burt played by Carol and Harvey. After tease-insulting each other for a while they start singing, “Cuddle Up a Little Closer” by Karl Hoschna and Otto Harbach from 1908. 

            Barbara Feldon does a song and dance with “If You’ve Got the Money I’ve Got the Time” by Lefty Frizell and Jim Beck from 1950. They do it with kind of a ragtime flavour rather than the original country and western style. But the instrumental break with all the dancing was to the tune of “Yakety Sax” by Spider Rich and Boots Randolph from 1963 (best recognized as Benny Hill’s theme music).

            Joan Rivers does a stand-up routine. She says she flew Trans Jersey Airlines in a rainstorm to get from New York to LA. Everybody in tourist class got a rabbits foot and a cross but each person in first class got their own priest. Even the plane looked afraid because it had it’s wings folded over its nose. When she boarded the plane a man said, “If the lord wanted man to fly he’d have given him wings”, and that was the pilot. She says the flight attendants were beautiful but dumb. She says, “Dumb doesn’t matter when you’re beautiful, which is why I’m educated”. “I’m a Philosophy major but what good does Philosophy do me now? I can go to the butcher and prove the meat doesn’t exist?” “I studied Calculus and learned to figure out the length of a room but you don’t need Calculus when you’re housewife. It’s always seven inches longer than your vacuum cleaner cord”. “Housework is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes but six months later you have to start all over again”. “If guests come over I just put down a drop cloth and tell them I’m painting”. “When it gets really filthy I call up my husband’s mother and ask her to show me one more time how he likes it”. “If you have kids that can crawl they can dust. You tie the diapers to their legs and throw a cookie across the room”. 

            Carol and Harvey play Stella and Harry, a poor couple in a run down apartment celebrating their 20th anniversary. He comes home from not looking for a job but forgets what day it is. She asks him to guess what happened 20 years ago and he lists the Korean war, almost getting drafted, getting double pneumonia. She says they got married and he says, “I knew it was something bad”. They decide to celebrate but have to get rid of the kids for the night. Their oldest son is a biker played by Lyle. He leaves. Now they have to get rid of the 11 year old. Dulcey is played by Vicki and looks a lot older than 11. Stella asks if there are any friends she can stay with tonight. Dulcey says, “Sure there’s Charlie, Tommy, Joey, Rocko, Mike, Al, Stanley…” Stella asks if she needs any money but Dulcey says she’s got a lot left over from her alimony cheque. 

            The next skit is the Miss Globe pageant hosted by Burt Sparks. Carol plays Miss USA, Barbara plays Miss India, Vicki plays Miss Holland, and Joan plays Miss China. The other contestants are played by members of the Ernie Flatt Dancers. Miss Holland wins Miss Warmth but gets a four month scholarship to a welding school. She reminds Burt that last night when she was a good sport he promised her a trophy. Burt has some men take her away. She tells him they’re going to take him away because she’s not 18 yet. The three finalists are Miss India, Miss China, and Miss USA. Burt asks them each a question. Miss USA is asked for the best way to aid the underdeveloped parts of the world and she answers the best way is exercise. She demonstrates a breast developing exercise. Miss India is asked what was her first impression of New York City. She says in a not bad Indian accent that New York is very similar to her own native city. Burt asks what city that is and she answers in a US accent “Chicago”. Burt asks, “Don’t you mean Calcutta?” She says, “No, you found me in the show Oh Calcutta, don’t you remember?” (Oh Calcutta was an R rated hit musical that started off Broadway in 1969. It was successful in London and New York but there were arrests in some smaller US cities). Miss China is asked where she thinks she will find the man of her dreams. She answers with a racist joke, “In yellow pages”. Then there’s the talent competition starting with Miss China demonstrating the ancient oriental art of stand-up comedy. She says, “Greetings ladies and Caucasians”. She has a gong hanging under her dress that she hits after telling a joke. She tells one joke and then says, “Last time I buy joke from Mao Tse Tung”. “Confucious say, many men smoke but Fu Manchu.” “That’s all the Chinese jokes for now but I be back in one hour when you hungry for more”. Miss India does a snake dance. She is basket on her left shoulder with a fake but realistic looking left arm and hand while her real left arm manipulates a snake puppet. Miss USA sings “Don’t Fence Me In” by Cole Porter but with extremely bad timing and out of tune. The first of the finalists to be eliminated is Miss China, who threatens to call Burt’s wife. The winner is Miss USA and Miss India begins strangling her. 

            The final bit has Carol’s character the Charwoman cleaning up at a nursery school. She sings a song that’s probably called “Where Did My Childhood Go?” but I can’t find it in a search. 

            Barbara Feldon studied acting at HB Studio in New York. In 1957 she won the grand prize in the $64,000 Question on the topic of Shakespeare. She caught the attention of TV producers after being featured seductively lounging on an animal skin type rug in a TV commercial for Top Brass hair pomade and calling the men who use it “Tigers”. She was cast as Agent 99 on Get Smart in 1965 and played the role for the show’s entire run until 1970. She received two Emmy nominations for her role. Her character’s real name was never given even after 99 married Maxwell Smart he still called her 99. She performed 5 times on The Dean Martin Show. She co-starred in Fitzwilly, and Smile. She wrote two books: Living Alone and Loving it and Getting Smarter: a Memoir.

April 22, 1996: I probably modelled at OCA or Central Tech

Thirty years ago today

            On Monday I probably worked modelling either at the Ontario College of Art or at Central Technical School. Those were the two main places where I got jobs posing in those days.

Harold Gould

            On Monday morning I ran through singing and playing verses 5 to 8 of “Ballad of a Dealer”, my translation of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. 

            I came close to memorizing the fifth and final verse of “Dessous mon pull” (Under My Sweater) by Serge Gainsbourg so there’s a good chance I’ll have it nailed down tomorrow. 

            I weighed 89.25 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since March 4. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time. 

            I weighed 89.5 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and on the way back stopped at Freshco to buy grapes but they were all too soft. So I crossed the street to Metro only to find that their grapes were no firmer and so I wasted my time. 

            I weighed 89.35 kilos at 18:40. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal. 

            My upstairs neighbour David gave me a pack of eight thinly sliced eye of round steaks on Friday. Tonight I grilled them in the oven and had three with a potato and gravy while watching season three, episode 16 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup Carol brings out California Governor Ronald Reagan. He tells her that she’s practically part of the administration because his family sees her every week. Someone asks if Carol will be his running mate. He says he’ll win for sure if she is. 

            In the first skit Soupy Sales plays a guy in the hospital scamming his insurance company over several fake injuries that his brother-in-law doctor is helping him scam. Fireside Girl Alice Portnoy (played by Carol) arrives asking for donations for the patients in the poorer wards. Soupy gives her a nickel. She says she saw him jump in front of a truck that wasn’t even moving. He gives her a quarter and she promises not to tell anyone, not even her uncle the policeman. He gives her all of his change. She asks if there is anything can do for him and he shakes his head. She asks if he’s sure and he nods his head. Then she says, “Congratulations sir. Your whiplash is cured. I’ll call the nurse”. He gives her $5. She is leaving and says to say hello to his brother-in-law the doctor. He gives her all the money in his wallet, which is $30. She says that’s nothing compared to the quarter million he’ll be getting from the insurance company. She says the Fireside Girls should get 30%. He begins chasing her and ends up falling out the window and she calls to him that his injuries are real this time. 

            Mel Tormé sings “Hurry On Down” by Nellie Lutcher from 1947. 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch, Carol is on a hunger strike because Roger won’t take her with him on his business trip to Hawaii. Roger’s boss Mr. Phillips is coming over to discuss the trip and Chrissie (played by Vickie Lawrence) has made hors d’oeuvres, which are driving Carol crazy. Roger comes home and is trying to get Carol to go to bed but then Phillips arrives and wants to have Carol sit with him because he likes to get to know the wives. He’s eating the hors d’oeuvres and Carol is holding her face close to his to watch. Phillips learns that Carol isn’t going on the trip and it turns out that he thinks she should. Roger lies that it was Carol’s decision. It is settled that Carol is going after all and she begins pigging out on the hors d’oeuvres. Phillips leaves and Roger asks angrily if she’s satisfied that she’s going to Hawaii now. She says she doesn’t know if she can go now because she has a stomach ache. 

            The next set of skits and musical numbers are part of a series that pays tribute to the great Hollywood movie studios. At the turn of the century the four Warner Brothers travelled west to create the studio that still bears their name. 

            In the first skit Carol plays Bugs Bunny while Soupy plays Elmer Fudd. Bugs bends Elmer’s shotgun to point back at himself. Harvey plays Porky Pig doing the stuttering finally of “D-d-d that’s all folks!” 

            Carol and Mel sing a song to the tune of “Ain’t We Got Fun” about the biographies that Warner Brothers did of George Gershwin, George M. Cohan, the great Cole Porter that fabulous man, Eddie Cantor (played by Keefe Brasselle), and Gus Khan (played by Danny Thomas). 

            Harvey and Mel sing “Makin Whoopie” by Gus Khan and Walter Donaldson. Vicki and Mel sing “Let’s Do It, Let’s Fall in Love” and “I Get a Kick Out of You” by Cole Porter. Soupy sings “Now’s the Time to Fall in Love” by Al Sherman and Al Lewis. Carol sings “S’wonderful” by George Gershwin. Everybody sings “You’re a Grand old Flag” by George M. Cohan. 

            Lyle does an intro to a parody of Joan Crawford who was a star in the 20s and is still a star. She was the master of “the woman’s picture”. For Warner Brothers she played tough career women who were successful in business but unsuccessful in love. Carol plays Joan Crawford playing Mildred Fierce. She dictates a letter to her secretary played by Soupy: “Dear sir, I do not like the way you are conducting business. Either you shape up or ship out. Signed Mildred Fierce. Soupy asks, “Who do I send this to?” Mildred says, “The president of the United States”. She calls her psychiatrist and tells him she’s distraught as a window washer lowers himself on a rope outside her office window. She says to her psychiatrist, “That’s ridiculous! I do not hate men! Excuse me…” She puts down the phone to pick up some scissors and cut the window washer’s rope. Then a handsome man (played by Lyle) walks in. Mildred tells the entire story of what she imagines their potential relationship to be from the romantic beginning to the terrible and then she slaps his face. He says, “Lady I just came in to check the air conditioning!” Then her ex-husband played by Mel comes in with Mildred’s young daughter who is dressed exactly like Mildred in a striped power suit with fierce shoulder pads. Mildred asks, “Why didn’t you tell me we had a child?” She hugs her and says, “We must spend more time together. On your way out make an appointment”. Mel asks for a job and Mildred asks if he wants to be a window washer. Mildred wonders when she’ll meet a man stronger than she is. Then a tough looking working class man walks in and tells her he’s the one. She admits he has an animal magnetism and he says that’s because he came straight from the gym. He says he’ll be gentle but she says he doesn’t have to because she’s wearing shoulder pads. They kiss and then Soupy comes in with a telegram. Mildred says, “Here hold this” and Soupy takes Harvey in his arms while Mildred reads the telegram. It tells her she’s been drafted. 

            Vicki says “In the 40s all the major studios ran dramatic schools for their contract players”. Carol plays an instructor in a Warner Brothers school for future leading men. She shows pictures of several male movie starts and asks, “Are they handsome, are they charming?” The answer is they’re not. “When you get right down to cases they’re a pretty homely lot”. What they have is meanness. “Once you cultivate a sneer you will hear the people cheer”. You gotta be rough and tumble, don’t be humble, ladies adore a swine”. “Snarl and gnash your teeth, turn your feelings on and off like a machine… You’re on very solid ground when you slap the dames around.” Then the dancers do a routine that demonstrates manhandling women. There is a lot of fake slapping and it’s something like an Apache dance but with several dancers. Then Harvey pushes a grapefruit half into Carol’s face like the famous scene from Public Enemy with James Cagney and Mae Clarke. 

            Mr. Phillips was played by Harold Gould who earned a PHD in Theatre and then taught Speech and Drama at Cornell University. He made his professional theatre debut as Thomas Jefferson in The Common Glory in 1955. He made his TV debut in Dennis the Menace in 1961. He made his film debut in Two for the Seesaw in 1962. He played Honore Vashon on Hawaii Five-O. He played Marlo Thomas’s father in the That Girl pilot. On Love American Style he was the first actor to play Howard Cunningham. He was invited to do the Happy Days pilot but he had a previous commitment. He played Rhoda’s father on Rhoda. He co-starred in the short-lived sitcom The Feather and Father Gang. He played Louis B, Mayer in The Scarlett O’Hara War for which he received one of his five Emmy nominations. He played Miles Webber on Golden Girls. He co-starred in Master of Disguise. In 2005 he did a 12 city tour of Tuesdays with Morrie. He was married to Lea Vernon for 60 years.