July 31, 1996: I rehearsed with Brian and then went to the Art bar reading series

Thirty years ago today

            On Wednesday Brian Haddon and I rehearsed for my feature at the Art Bar reading series and later I went there at the Csarda Hungarian restaurant to perform on the open stage.

Craig Richard Nelson

            On Sunday morning I got up for a while at 3:00 because the bedbugs were driving me crazy and so I did a search and destroy mission for about half an hour. I pulled off the bottom sheet that covers my futon and killed several. I also ran a lint roller all over the mattress in case it could pick up some eggs. The only place where I see nests are along the bottom of the baseboards and that area’s been peppered with diatomaceous earth, which I’d hoped would have killed them by now. I went back to bed at 3:30 and fewer bothered me. I must have slept a bit because I remember a snippet of a dream but I haven’t slept much at night for the last few days because of these monsters. 

            I finished editing and then published “La complainte de Bonnot” by Boris Vian in my Christian’s Translations blog. Tomorrow I’ll look for a new photo of Vian to post on my Boris Vian Facebook fan page. 

            I worked on memorizing the first verse of “Shylock” by Serge Gainsbourg. I should have that nailed down tomorrow and then there’ll only be one more verse to learn. 

            I weighed 90.45 kilos before breakfast.

            I played my Kramer during song practice and it stayed in tune most of the time. 

            Around midday I finally mounted my bathroom mirror and it looked great. I bought it on August 8 of last year for $5. The frame was broken and coloured in an ugly three-tone combination of brown, beige, and silver. I glued it back together on September 16, 2025, and sanded it. I filled up the cracks with drywall compound and sanded it, then filled it some more and sanded that. Over the next a couple of weeks I primed it and then it sat for months as I waited to finish painting the bathroom. I started painting it blue on May 29, leaving the floral reliefs to paint pink. I only finished painting it last week. 

            I weighed 91.8 kilos before lunch. I had peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar on saltines with a glass of lemonade. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back.   

            I weighed 91.2 kilos at 18:00. 

            I was more than a day behind on my journal and worked on trying to catch up. 

            I made pizza on a slice of sandwich bread with rosée tomato sauce, tomato pesto, a chopped burger, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching the series finale of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            The audience gives Carol a standing ovation when she comes out. 

            Carol introduces the 85 year old Lillian Gish, who’s in the audience. Lillian blows Carol a kiss. They worked together the year before that in the film A Wedding. 

            Carol shows a clip of her first audience warmup. 

            Since Jim Nabors always guest starred for every season premier she shows clips of her introducing him and Jim always looks the same while Carol looks different in every season. 

            She shows several clips of her doing her Tarzan yell. She does it one more time and gunshots ring out as Carol falls to the stage. 

            She shows several clips of the duets she did with guest stars, starting with Liza Minelli in 1967 when they sang “Just in Time” by Jule Style, Betty Comden, and Adolph Green from the 1956 musical Bells Are Ringing. With Ella Fitzgerald she sang “I’ll Never Fall in Love Again” by Bacharach and David from 1968. In 1969 she sang with Perry Como “My Funny Valentine" by Rodgers and Hart from the 1937 musical Babes in Arms. In 1972 she sang “Guess I’ll Hang My Tears Out to Dry” with Ray Charles. In 1969 she sang “Flattery” with Bing Crosby. In 1975 she sang with Rock Hudson a song written for the show. In 1976 she sang “The 12th Street Rag” with Steve Lawrence. In 1976 she sang “Hooray for Hollywood” with Eydie Gormé. 

            Carol shows a clip of Burt Reynolds doing pratfalls while singing “As Time Goes By”. 

            Carol introduces the final Tudball-Wiggins sketch. She says it takes a full week to rehearse one of these sketches: one day of rehearsal and six days to get her into that skirt. Mr. Tudball is packing up to move to his new offices across town. Wiggins grabs a box from his desk but he tells her it’s too heavy. The bottom falls out and his files fall to the floor. Wiggins says, “It’s light!” He angrily says he doesn’t know why he keeps her on or why he hired her in the first place. We see a flashback (not to a past skit but to Wiggins’s hiring as written for this skit). Tudball is interviewing secretaries while Mrs. Tudball (played by Vicki) is sitting there. Toni Kaye the cutest of the Ernie Flatt dancers is showing her resume and Tudball is impressed, but Mrs. Tudball simply shakes her head. She has the same fake Swedish accent as Mr. Tudball when she tells him that when the right one comes through the door she’ll let him know. Mrs. Wiggins comes in and says, “Here’s my resumé” but pronounces it as “rezoom”. Her resumé only has her name on it. He asks if she takes shorthand and she says no. She also has no filing experience. He says, “You type don’t you?” She says, “I don’t know, I’ve never tried.” He asks if she can use a Xerox and she asks, “A what?” He’s about to reject her but Mrs. Tudball insists that Wiggins is the one. If he doesn’t agree then Mrs. Tudball would come in every day and do the job and so he agrees to hire Wiggins. He tells her to get busy and she looks for something to do. She sharpens his pen in the electric sharpener. Returning to the present, Wiggins tells Tudball he has yet to give her the address to the new office. He tells her he’s decided to cut the office staff in half. She says she can’t run the office all by herself. He says he’s decided to let her go. She says, “You’re the best boss I ever had” and then she leaves his office to sit at her desk and cry. He feels bad so he tells her he’s keeping her on. She just says, “Okay” then keeps up to get her coat and tells him they better shake the leggy if they want to get to the new offices. He pauses to look at the old offices and reminisce but she locks the door behind her and he can’t get out. 

             Carol brings Tim out and he reminds her that “You have a favourite performer who you’ve never had on the show, but he’s been here all week with his piano. So since it’s the last show I’d like to take the opportunity to give the guy a break. Do you mind? Excuse me.” Tim walks off and the curtain behind Carol goes up and she is shocked to see her hero Jimmy Stewart sitting at the piano. He starts playing and singing the 1912 song “Ragtime Cowboy Joe” by Grant Clarke, Lewis F. Muir, and Maurice Abrahams. When he finishes, Carol is in tears as she gives him a big hug. They walk out to the front stage and she’s still crying as she tells the audience they don’t know what this means to her. “I have worshiped this man my whole life!” He says, “I feel so wonderful to be part of these millions of people to thank you.” He tells her he loves her and she says the same as he kisses her and then walks off. 

            Tim comes back out and they show a series of clips of musical numbers in which the comical gimmick that accompanied them was water. The first one shows Harvey Korman as a he steers a ship in a storm while singing “They Call the Wind Mariah” by Lerner and Loewe from the musical Paint Your Wagon, while the ship falls apart around him and he gets hit by a lot of water, several big fish, and an octopus. Then we see Carol singing “Come Rain or Come Shine” by Arlen and Mercer as she gets pelted with water from every side. 

            We see Carol and Tim sitting now as Tim says, “Here are a couple of solos Carol sang that are my favourites and I’m sure they won’t be yours either.” They show the skit in which Carol while playing a beatnik type character sings “The Lady is a Tramp” by Rodgers and Hart. Then there’s a skit where Tim plays his stunned farmer character sitting in a bathtub as Carol pours in hot water and then washes him while singing the 1977 song “You Light Up My Life” by Joseph Brooks. Then with her dress on she gets into the tub with him. 

            They show a clip from the spoof Carol did with Steve Lawrence on The African Queen in which her parody of Hepburn keeps knocking his Bogart overboard until she finally gives in to her love for him but he throws her overboard. 

            They show a clip from the spoof on The Postman Always Rings Twice in which Carol plays the Lana Turner role all in white. Harvey plays Nick, her unwanted immigrant husband and Steve plays Drifter, her tough guy lover. She tells Drifter her husband is insured and asks him to kill him. He asks, “What do I get out of it?” She says “$10,000 and me.” he asks, “”How bout a straight $5000?” Nick catches them kissing and Lana tells Drifter to shoot but he can’t do it. They struggle for the gun and she is fatally shot. She says goodbye to Drifter, Nick, Tony the truckdriver, Bill the milkman, Mike the cook. Then she is gone and they start to cry but she opens her eyes to continue with, “Larry the waiter, your cousin Nicky, your Uncle Harold” then she’s gone again but comes back to continue with “Shirley the waitress, Bob the night watchman…” At this point Nick and Drifter let her drop to the floor and walk away together. 

            They show a clip of their take-off on Betty Grable film The Dolly Sisters in which Carol’s character Jenny wakes up with amnesia and sings “Hello Who Are You” to the mirror. 

            Carol tells the story of receiving a fan letter from a girl who enclosed a picture to show how much she looked like Carol. Carol says she felt so sorry for her that she gave her a job and it was one of the smartest moves she ever made. She brings out Vicki Lawrence to sit on stage with her and Tim. They show a clip of Vicki performing her 1972 hit song, “The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia” written by her then husband Bobby Russell. They then show a clip of Vicki’s parody of the country song “D-I-V-O-R-C-E” that was a hit for Tammy Wynette while Vicki is made up as a parody of Loretta Lynn. 

            They show a clip from a skit they did when they had Bing Crosby as a guest. In a restaurant scene, Carol plays a waiter who is gaga over having Bing at her table. He asks, “Can we order?” but then she surprises Bing by saying, “Don’t bug me! Here comes the biggest star of them all!” and then Bob Hope walks out. 

            They show a clip from the first sketch that Tim did on the show in which he played a news anchor being handed incomplete information. “Here are the sports scores: 2 to 1, 3 to 5, and 8 to 2”. Tim says he wrote that sketch but he never got paid for it. 

           “It’s a little late I suppose”. They show a clip from a takeoff they did on Columbo in which they had no idea what Tim was going to do. Tim says, “Neither did Tim”. Tim plays a Butler who serves Harvey. A murder has just been committed and there is a knock on the door. Harvey insists that Tim put on his gloves because of fingerprints but he has just waxed the doorknob and can’t turn it with his gloves on. He climbs up and tries to use his feet, then he sits on the knob to try and turn it with his legs. He cracks Harvey up as usual. 

            They show the clip in which Dick Van Dyke played a once famous piano player who is trying to get his wife (played by Carol) to injure his hands so they can collect on a $50,000 insurance policy. But Carol keeps missing and injures everything else but his hands.

            Carol is dressed as Eunice as she tells the audience that tonight they’re doing what they should have done a long time ago, and that’s send Eunice to a psychiatrist. Eunice arrives in Dr. Tate’s office and says, “You win”. She was there last week and said she wasn’t gonna come back but she did. She says, “After all what can you do for me?” “What would you like me to do?” “There you go again! Answerin a question with a question! I don’t need to pay good money for that!” “This is a County service Eunice. You’re not being charged.” “There is the gasoline money gettin here and back. And my time is worth somethin ain’t it? Besides we both know what the problem is.” “How would you define the problem?” “I do everything for everybody and everybody treats me like dirt! Now my husband, I gave up my entire life for him and one day he just up and leaves without so much as a turn green or kiss my foot! Leaving me with two miserable brats! And then my Mama moves in on me and she’s makin my life absolutely unbearable! And if people hadn’t kept interferin with my life I could’ve had a big career!” “Now now Eunice! You know what we say about could’ve and should’ve?” “Could’ve and should’ve are words we don’t use. They only depress us and give us the blues.” “Now we had a little plan didn’t we? You were going to take that first step on the road to independence and get yourself a job. How many job interviews did you go on this week?” “Well I went to that uppity insurance company.” “That was last week.” “I don’t belong in an office anyway. I belong in show business!” “Did you go on any job interviews this week?” “No. Sometimes you talk just like Mama. It makes me so nervous I can’t even think!” “You know you don’t have to react. Remember that little poem we learned?” “When confronted with a foe bless him praise him let him go.” Eunice relates how the other night Mama looked up and said, “My my, just look at that big clump of cobwebs on the chandelier!” Eunice says she went into a rage and wound up smashing every light bulb in the house. Eunice says she doesn’t like the funny moods she’s been having. The doctor says, “Let’s examine these moods. Let’s put them on the table and see if they bounce.” “I know what my problem is! It’s my mother!” “All right, let’s examine that. Did you bring her along like I suggested?” “She’s out there in the waiting room.” “Let’s just bring her in.” Mama comes in and Tate tells her he’s really happy to see her. Mama says she doesn’t want to butt in on Eunice’s time. “Lord knows she needs all the help she can get. I ain’t gonna haveta lie down on the sofa am I?” “No, we’re into sitting in this office.” Mama says, “It’s really none of my business…” “Oh but it is your business. You two share the same house. You occupy the same vibe space.” “Now that’s not true. I sleep in a completely different room.” “I mean, two women who live under the same roof. That’s just bound to cause tensions and anxieties. Your daughter’s hangups become your hangups and vice versa.” “You understand what he’s sayin Mama?” “I understand that I’m being made the heavy again when you’re the one that broke every single lightbulb in the house!” “Let’s just forget about the lightbulbs. We’re gonna relax now. Close your eyes and start out by taking a deep breath.” Mama is not closing her eyes and looks disgusted. She says, “I don’t think we got very much time left on that parking meter.” “We got plenty of time. I put a dime in the meter!” “That’s typical! You put in twice the amount that is necessary!” Tate says, “I’m getting angry! I’m feeling anger because I just made a suggestion not two minutes ago and both of you have decided to ignore it completely!... There. Now the anger’s gone. You see how easily I dealt with that? Now let’s relax! (He precedes to try to guide them through a relaxation exercise that is very similar to one that I guided my yoga students through at the end of each class) Close your eyes.” Even Mama closes her eyes this time. But when Tate says, “Let’s all become aware of our toes” she opens them again. Tate says, “Just let a golden light ignite in your toes.” Mama is looking at everybody’s feet and then looking away in disbelief. Tate says, “Just let a golden light ignite in your toes. It feels good so let it rise up your legs, your calves, your thighs, your hips…” Suddenly Mama asks, “What in the hell is he talkin about?” Eunice says, “If you shut up you’ll find out!” Tate says, “Ladies, just let me get the golden light up to your heads! Mrs. Harper, close your eyes!” “All right but you stay over there! I don’t want no funny business!” “The golden light is in your chest, it’s moving up your neck, it’s in your head, you’re floating on a cloud. Now open your eyes. See? Our tensions are gone. The lines of communication are freeing and opening up. And we’re in the present, we don’t care about the past. What is it we care about now?” Mama says, “I don’t know what your drivin at!” “We care about the here and now so let’s get all those unsaid resentments out of the way. Let’s just say to them OUT OUT OUT! Phooey on youey!” Eunice shouts, “Phooey on youey!” Suddenly Mama stands up and says, “Is this what you’ve been comin down here for? Ta get a little golden light in your head and play these stupid games?” Eunice stands to confront her but Tate insists, “Ladies, sit down!” and they do. “Now we’re gonna play a game. We’re just gonna be up front and say exactly what it is that we want out of life. You go first Eunice.” “I wanna be treated like an adult. I wanna get up in the mornin when I wanna get up. I wanna drive my car the way I want without somebody always sayin turn left, turn right, look out! I wanna walk into my own kitchen without someone tellin me about the greaseballs under my ice box. And I would like some encouragement about havin a career in show business.” “If you wanted a career in show business don’t you think you should’a stayed in Lula Belle’s tap dance class for more than a week?” “If you and Lula Belle had stopped ridiculing me every time I did a time step I would be givin Mitzi Gaynor a run for her money today!” Tate says, “Nobody cares about Lula Belle’s tap dance class or Mitzi Gaynor anymore! Mrs. Harper, it’s your turn.” Mama says, “I’m an old woman with a few short years left. I would like my daughter to accept my household hints with a little good grace and without snappin my head off. I am only tryin to help her make that two-by-four shack we live in fit for human beings. And I would like to watch the wrestling re-runs on TV at 6:30 instead of them damn Tattle Tales. And I would like to have a daughter that treats me with a little bit of respect instead of draggin the family name through the mud by goin crazy!” Eunice stands up and walks across the room. She shouts, “Don’t you care that your daughter is on the verge of a nervous breakdown!” She starts banging her own head against the wall. Tate says, “If you two don’t release each other from this stranglehold, you Eunice are going to keep having destructive fits; and you Mrs. Harper are going to curdle up into a sour little ball! And then you both are just gonna dry up and blow away!” Mama stands up and says to Eunice, “I have taken ingratitude, disrespect, abuse and back talk from you for your entire life! But I’ll be damned if I’m gonna take it from some damned if I’ll take it from some sassy faced quack! Phooey on youey!” and then she storms out of the office. Eunice says to Tate, “Y’see?” “Well, she’s no picnic. But neither are you.” “She’s the reason I keep havin these fits!” “Sit on it! It’s not that old bag you’re having trouble with! It’s Eunice! You are furious with Eunice because she never finished anything that she started! It’s time for you to take charge of your own life!” “I could if she’d just allow me to breathe once in a while but…” “Forget Mama! We don’t care what mama don’t allow! We’re gonna take charge of our own life anyhow! Work on your own self esteem. Say hey, I’m okay! Hey, I like me!” “I can’t because I’m not okay! I never have liked me.” “Just say it. Say I’m okay! Say it and it’ll be true, I promise.” “I’m okay!” “Say I’m okay and you’re okay.” “I’m okay and you’re okay!” “Say I’m okay and you’re okay and Mama’s okay!” “I’m okay and you’re okay and m…what?” “Say it!” She says it. Tate tells Eunice her life will take on a golden hue just as soon as she takes that first little step on the road to independence and go to that employment agency to get herself a job. “I like you, I think you’re okay, and I know that you can do it.” They embrace and Eunice says, “I like me too and I am okay.” mama steps in and asks, “Am I supposed to sit out here all day like a can of trash?” “I’m comin Mama.” “There’s probably a ticket on the car!” “If there is I’ll pay for it.” “With what? Your ex-husband let you with so little you can barely afford a can of beans!” “I’ll get by because I’m okay and you’re okay!” “You sound like yer one step away from the booby hatch!” Eunice starts banging her own head against the wall again. Tate says, “Hey!” and she stops and says, “I am okay. Mama? On the way home we’re gonna stop by the employment agency because I’m gonna get me a job!” “I’ll believe that the day I see it, the day you actually follow through with anything! You’ll never amount ta nothin!” then Mama leaves the office again. Before leaving, Eunice repeats, “When confronted by a foe, bless her, praise her, and let her go.”

            Carol wishes she had enough time to show all of her guests over the years. She shows some pictures from one of her scrapbooks of Lucy, Jerry Lewis, Sammy Davis Jr., the fabulous wonderful Cass Elliot, Gloria Swanson as Charlie Chaplin, Emmett Kelly, and the Ernie Flatt Dancers. 

            Carol introduces the Ernie Flatt Dancers and they dance to “Magic Bird if Fire” by Igor Stravinsky as played by The Salsoul Orchestra. 

            Carol says when you tape a show before a live audience mistakes are bound to happen. So the show is taped twice every Friday and the best of both are broadcast. But we have kept all of the outtakes and now we feel you are old enough to see a few of them. There’s one where carol starts to sing “Put the Blame on Mame” but when she throws her head back her wig flies off. Harvey Korman and Carl Reiner are playing Nazi officers in a restaurant. Harvey is walking to their table and Carl tells him he forgot his limp, so he starts limping but when he sits down the chair collapses. They show the first time Harvey Korman ever appeared in drag as Mother Marcus on As The Stomach Turns and it was the first time Carol had ever seen it. 

            Carol says the most unprofessional thing an actor to do is to start to laugh and so she shows some clips in which they do so. 

            There’s the one where Carol is a maid spoon feeding Vicki and Vicki cracks up. 

            There’s another As the Stomach Turns sketch with Mother Marcus in which she says she’s a spiritual medium who communicates with the dearly departed. She says she thinks she’s picking up Lyle Wagonner who had recently departed the show. Carol reaches over and pinches Harvey’s fake breast and they both start laughing. 

            There’s the spoof of the Mickey Rooney Judy Garland movies in which Carol is singing in front of a horse and the horse takes a shit. 

            There’s a scene with Harvey and Tim in which has been given a serum that makes him behave like a dog. He becomes very affectionate in a doglike way to Harvey and then he eats a hard boiled egg like a dog causing Harvey to burst into laughter. 

            They show the Mary Worthless sketch in which Harvey gets a cake in the face and then jumps out the window. Carol says she’s not doing this again. 

            As with the end of every season we see Carol as the Charwoman and as usual the cast walks by her and say goodnight. But this time after the dancers pass we also see some of her guests stars, such as Bernadette Peters, Jim Nabors, Roddy McDowell, Betty White, and finally Harvey Korman, who stops to give her a kiss. 

            The Charwoman sits on her bucket, takes off her cap and becomes Carol to say, “This is an evening of mixed emotions.” She wants to clear up some of the rumours that have been going around as to why she decided to end the show. In 11 years they had four time slots with high and low ratings. There were seasons with lower ratings than season 11. She says she thinks it’s classier to leave before being asked. She says CBS enthusiastically picked the show up for a twelfth year. She says it’s time to move on to other things because change is growth. She says their director Dave Powers is going to direct Three’s Company next year. She thanks the producers, the crew and the creative staff. 

            She says, “No one could feel more grateful than I do for having had the opportunity to work with, and learn from the brilliant talent of Harvey Korman who has no creative limits. 

            She says Vicki Lawrence has blossomed into one of the finest character actors and comedians in the industry. 

            Tim Conway defies description. His brain never slows down and those little wheels are constantly churning out original chunks of genius. It’s a credit to Tim that some of the giants in comedy steal from him. He wouldn’t say it but I can. He’s even nicer than he is talented. 

            As usual for a finale Carol sings the full lyrics to her theme song but while doing so has to wipe tears away. 

            Dr. Tate the Psychiatrist was played excellently by Craig Richard Nelson, who studied acting at The University of Utah and the Tisch School of the Arts. After graduation he made his Broadway debut in Two Gentlemen of Verona. His performance led to his film debut in The Paper Chase. He played Mason Woodruff on the 1974 sitcom Friend and Lovers. He played Mr. Spacek on the sitcom Square Pegs. He played Krag in the season three episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation episode “A Matter of Perspective”.

July 30, 1996: After my open stage I went for coffee with my regulars

Thirty years ago today

             On Tuesday night as always I hosted my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage in the Art bar of the Gladstone Hotel. Afterwards I went for coffee with Raven, Cad, Anna and a few other regulars.

July 29, 1996: Brian and I rehearsed

Thirty years ago today 

            On Monday Brian Haddon came over to my place and we rehearsed for our Art Bar reading series gig in a couple of weeks.

James Garner

            On Saturday morning I continued editing “La complainte de Bonnot” by Boris Vian in my Christian’s Translations blog and might have it published tomorrow. 

            I memorized the chorus of “Shylock” by Serge Gainsbourg and translated it with the title “Pirate”. Although the name Shylock is Anglo Saxon in origin it has antisemitic implications because the most famous Shylock is the Jewish villain in Shakespeare’s Merchant of Venice. “Pirate” renders it more universal. 

            I weighed 90 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune pretty much the whole time. 

            Around midday I rode to No Frills where the green grapes were on sale so I got seven bags. I also bought some bananas, a pack of nectarines, a pack of peaches, a box of Earl Grey tea, a carton of spoon sized shredded wheat, a jug of lemonade, a jug of orange juice, two containers of skyr, and a bag of Miss Vickie’s chips. 

            I weighed 91.3 kilos at 14:35. 

            I had peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar on saltines with a glass of lemonade. 

            I took a siesta and slept a lot longer than usual so it was too late to take a bike ride. 

            I weighed 91.9 kilos at 17:40. 

            I was still a day behind on my journal and worked on getting caught up. 

            I made two burgers with Canadian ground beef. I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with rosée tomato sauce, tomato pesto, a crumbled up burger, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 11, episode 22 of The Carol Burnett Show.

            During the audience warmup someone asks Carol how can she walk around in that tight skirt when she plays Mrs. Wiggins. She says there’s a lot in the behind of the skirt that she doesn’t fill up and it’s very tight at the bottom so the only way to walk in it is bent forward with the butt out. 

            Someone asks Carol what was her biggest break in show business. She says when she was on The Garry Moore Show. 

            Someone asks what her plans are for the near future. She says she has no plans other than to be on the unemployment line in about three weeks. She thinks she’s going to do another picture with Robert Altman because she loved the last one. The last one was A Wedding and in 1985 she was in an Altman TV film called The Laundromat. 

            Someone asks if Carol is going to do any specials. She says she’d love to do a special with Dolly Parton. A year later she did Dolly and Carol in Nashville. 

            Someone asks, “If you had your choice of any person…” Carol interrupts and says “It would be you!” He finishes his question, “…to spend the night with.” Carol points at the production booth and says, “No it’s none of you guys!” She says, “They have been so raunchy! I can hear every word they are saying to me” and she shows that she’ s wired up her back running to an earpiece.

            In the first sketch Ken Berry plays a psychiatrist and James Garner (as Larry), Carol (as Millie), Vicki (as Diana), and Tim (as Bradley) are his patients who have just successfully finished a group therapy experiment in which they’ve spent three weeks in a remote cabin together until they were cured. Ken and three of them are about to leave but James calls out, “Don’t open that door! He’s still out there.” Vicki asks, “Who’s still out there?” Larry says, “The Boogie Man!” Bradley is angry and wants to leave but Millie says they agreed that no one leaves until they’re all cured. Millie asks Larry, “What is all this nonsense about the Boogie Man?” “It’s not nonsense! He’s gonna get me!” They remind him that they caught the Boogie Man and put him a big bag, then stomped all over him before setting fire to him and then buried the ashes. Larry says it wasn’t the real Boogie Man. Ken says this is just a typical separation anxiety. Millie says, “What if all of us went outside with you?” He agrees to that. But Bradley has locked himself in the washroom. Millie coaxes him out and Brad comes out cross-dressed in a dress, a blonde wig with a green bow, a pink purse and matching shoes. Ken says he can’t go out like that. Vickie says she feels her headaches coming back. Then Millie’s split personality comes back and she switches back and forth in an argument with herself. Ken gives one personality a slap and then the other. Ken says, “Cure or no cure, I am flying to Hawaii!” He flaps his arms and jumps through the window. 

            George Carlin as Carl Closeout does an Amazing Record Offer commercial. It’s the chance to have 400,000 musical favourites in your own home. A treasury of every song written since the dawn of time. These records are yours for 12 cents a pound, which comes to just over $27,000. Country classics like “If I Give My Heart to You Will You Give Me a Receipt?” and “No One Knows How I Feel So I Keep it to Myself”. Hey Jazz fans, the big bands are coming back. There’s no work for them but they are coming back. You’ll hear The Ornette Perkins Far Out Woodside Avenue Experimental Pop Band and Travel Agency doing their calypso version of “Taps”. In the Latin music category Tito Cabesa plays “The Mexican Hat Dance”, “The Mexican Overcoat Dance”, and “The Mexican Corrective Stocking Dance”. In Classical music The Bell Telephone Orchestra does “Symphony Number 9 Opus 508 Area Code 212”. Try these records in your own home for ten years. Take a leave of absence and give them a listen. If you’re not completely satisfied we’ll send someone out to poison your dog. If you don’t have $27000 we can spread the payments out over a week. If you order now we’ll send these bonus tracks for free: A three hour recording of Sam Levinson describing his kitchen as a child; a three hour recording of Dr. Timothy Leary describing his child as a kitchen; a documentary called “One Nation Indivisible Parts 1 and 2”; and a recording of Rich Little talking in Jimmie Cagney’s sleep. 

            Tim Conway and Brad Trumbull are construction workers sitting on a girder and having lunch. Brad is reading the news out loud and says, “The federal government’s now allowing companies to grind bones into hot dogs.” Tim says, “I wish someone would grind my wife into a hotdog. Brad reads that somebody accidentally killed their pet chicken in a trash compactor. Tim buys a trash compactor and presents it to his wife (played by Carol). She’s a cloying, ditzy, overly affectionate slave who refers to herself in the third person as in, “You bought her a present?” He tells her to stick her head in to read the instructions. But she keeps popping back out before he can push the button to compact her. She says it’s dark in there. He demonstrates and she pushes the button because she thinks it’s the light. 

            Ken and the dancers are in late 19th century costumes in a small town waiting for a train. He sings the 1926 song “My Cutie’s Due at Two To Two Today” by Leo Robin, Albert Von Tilzer, and Irving Bilbo. Of course he also does a tap dance. Played by Vicki, she’s been away for months but returns sophisticated, fashionable and worldly. She sings a song about teaching everybody those big city ways. She dances with all the men but Ken. He keeps trying and failing to cut in. Ken sings about not minding that she’s flirting and tells her to order him around and he’ll obey. She lets him carry all her luggage while the other men escort her. 

            Tim and Brad are back at work but now Tim has a shrunken head from his encounter with the trash compactor. Brad reads that a demolition worker in Toronto was hit by a wrecking and knocked into Lake Ontario. Tim gets a wrecking ball and hangs it from his ceiling, and sets it up so it will swing down when his wife walks in. He calls for her and she comes in but bends over to pick up his slippers just as the ball swings and it misses her. He gets her to stand on a target but she squats to look at the pretty colours when he swings the ball. He tries again but this time the ball doesn’t swing. He stands over the target to try to release it and of course it hits him in the head like Wile E. Coyote. 

            Jerome (played by George) is in a dental office to get his teeth cleaned. Mona the dental hygienist (played by Carol) turns out to be his ex-wife. She says she’s been working there since alimony ran out. He asks how she’s been doing as she begins to work in his mouth. She says she’s been fine considering that he took her to the cleaners in the divorce settlement, and she begins to cause him pain. She says she’d told him to wait till the kids grow up and she inflicts even more pain. It sounds like she’s breaking his teeth as she talks about her broken heart. She starts to use an electric grinder on his teeth and there’s smoke coming out of his mouth. He’s spitting out teeth and she says she’ll see him in six months. 

            Carol and James play a couple that’s been having an affair but now Carol says it has to end. He begs her to stay but she goes to the door. She leaves and closes the door behind her but comes back in because it was the closet. They say goodbye again and she takes the opportunity to leave after the phone rings. She comes back because she thinks she left her glasses. She finds them then leaves again but comes back because she forgot her purse. Then everything falls out of her purse and they pick the things up. She leaves again but it’s in the closet again. She says, “Why don’t you put a sign on the damn door!” 

            Tim and Brad are back at work and Tim hears from Brad another news report about a mob hit involving a piano that was rigged to explode when a certain note was played. Tim rigs a piano so it’ll explode with the final “pop” of “Pop Goes the Weasel”. But when Carol plays it the “pop” has a higher key. For some stupid reason he plays it to show her she’s wrong and it explodes. 

            A couple of buskers are playing in front of the music hall so Carol and Ken set up as well. They are carrying violin cases but inside there are kazoos. They play but it’s pretty bad. Then they sing “Two Penniless Bums” by Jule Styne and Bob Merrill from the 1972 musical Sugar. Instead of the kazoos they try singing and sing the 1971 song “Sing” by Joe Raposo from Sesame Street. Then they sing “Put On a Happy Face” by Lee Adams and Charles Strouse from the 1960 musical Bye Bye Birdie. Then they do a soft shoe dance in the snow and the passersby start to throw money. They end with “Two Penniless Bums”. 

            James Garner had a stepmother who beat him and forced him to wear a dress in public as punishment. He started modelling Jantzen bathing suits while still in high school. He dropped out of high school at 16 to join the Merchant Marines. He earned two Purple Heart medals after being wounded twice during the Korean Police Action. He made is acting and Broadway debut with a non speaking part in The Caine Mutiny Court Martial in 1954. The play led to small TV roles, TV commercials, and eventually a contract with Warner Brothers. From 1957 to 1960 he starred in Maverick (in which he said he played his lazy self more than any other role). The show beat Ed Sullivan and Steve Allen in the ratings for two years and made Garner a star. The hit movie The Sting was based on one of the Maverick episodes. He starred in the short-lived series Nichols. He starred in The Rockford Files (modelled as a modern day Maverick) from 1974 to 1980 (for which he won an Emmy Award). He starred in the sitcom Man of the People. He appeared in 45 episodes of Eight Simple Rules. He co-starred in Sayonara, The Children’s Hour, Boy’s Night Out, The Thrill of It All, Move Over Darling, The Great Escape, Murphy’s Romance (for which he was nominated for an Oscar. Sally Field said kissing Garner in that film was the best screen kiss she ever had), Sunset, Maverick, My Fellow Americans, Space Cowboys, Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, The Notebook, The Ultimate Gift, The Return of Black Adam, and Victor Victoria. He starred in Darby’s Rangers, Up Periscope, Cash McCall, The Americanization of Emily, Mr. Buddwing, Grand Prix (the movie led to his obsession with racing pace cars), He co-produced and starred in The Racing Scene. Marlowe, Hour of the Gun, Support Your Local Sherrif, Support Your Local Gunfighter, 36 Hours, Tank, Barbarians at the Gate, Starting in 1977 he did a series of more than 250 Polaroid Commercials with Mariette Hartley. The couple was so convincing that many people thought that Hartley really was Garner’s wife. From 1985 to 1989 he was the radio and television spokesman for Mazda. He earned $1 million a year and a new Mazda of his choice every year. he had a 400 acre vineyard in Santa Ynez, California. He bottled his own chardonnay called “Chateau Jimbeaux”. He smoked marijuana for 50 years and didn’t know where he’d be without it. He though it should be made legal and that alcohol should be criminalized. He was vice president of the Screen Actors Guild when Ronald Reagan was president, and that’s how he knew that Reagan was not qualified to be President of the United States.

July 28, 1996: My daughter and I spent a nice Sunday together

Thirty years ago today 

            On Sunday my daughter and I went to the playground and also played on the back roof of my place.

July 27, 1996: Nancy brought our daughter to me

Thirty years ago today 

            On Saturday Nancy brought our daughter to my place so she could spend the weekend with me.