June 23, 1996: I spent Sunday with my daughter

Thirty years ago today

            On Sunday I spent the day with my daughter and Nancy picked her up in the evening.

Cole Porter

            On Saturday morning I recorded through my audio interface to Audacity the video of Jean Pierre Cassel and Jane Birkin singing the parody Serge Gainsbourg wrote of the Johnny Halliday hit “Que je t’aime” (That I Love You). I extracted it to my hard drive and then uploaded it to Sonix to get a transcript, which I copied. I also discovered that “Je t’aime aussi” the Gainsbourg parody of his own “Je’ t’aime moi non plus” is also available on YouTube as is another parody of it he wrote called “Ça”. So I have two more parodies to transcribe and three to translate. 

            I weighed 89.7 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since June 9. 

            I played my Martin during song practice for the second of four sessions and as usual it went out of tune for every song.

            Around midday I went over to Vina Pharmacy and asked for them to renew my Betaderm prescription. Then I went to No Frills where the cherries were $4.34 a kilo so I bought seven bags. I also got some bananas, a pack of five-year-old cheddar, a pack of two T-bone steaks, three bags of skim milk, some lemon dish detergent, a box of spoon sized shredded wheat, a jug of lemonade, a jug of orange juice, a small container of PC skyr (because that was all they had), two bags of Miss Vickie’s chips, and a pack of toilet paper.

            I weighed 90.2 kilos at 14:30. I had peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar on saltines with a glass of lemonade. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride to Ossington and Bloor. 

            I weighed 90.6 kilos at 17:50. I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still behind at suppertime.

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, french fries, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 9, episode 8 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone says her father wants to know how Carol stays so slim. She says to tell her father to lay off the beer and pizza. 

            Someone asks for Carol’s ethnic background. She says she’s Irish, English, Dutch, some German, and part Cherokee. Everybody seems to think they are part Cherokee. 

            Harvey and Carol are in a restaurant and Harvey orders champagne because he wants it to be a special evening. He tries to tell her how he feels about her but she starts laughing. He thinks she’s laughing at him but she assures him she’s not. He starts to propose but she laughs even harder. She points out that there’s a man at another table with whipped cream on his nose and she keeps on laughing. Harvey can’t get her to listen to his feelings. Everybody else starts laughing as well. He’s about to call off the engagement until Carol gets whipped cream on her nose as well and Harvey begins to laugh but she doesn’t think it’s funny.

            Carol brings out Roddy McDowall. She tells him his enunciation is impeccable. He says it’s purely a matter of training. All English actors are weaned on Peter Piper’s practical principals of plain and perfect pronunciation. She says it’s not so simple for someone from San Antonio. He says it’s just a matter of a little re-education of the lips and tongue. He says to try saying “The seething sea ceaseth and thus the seething sea sufficeth us”. Then he says, “Theophilus Thistledown, the successful thistle sifter in sifting a sieve of un-sifted thistles thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now if Theophilus Thistledown, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve of un-sifted thistles thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb see that thou, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles, thrust not three thousand thistles through the thick of thy thumb.” He asks Carol to say “toy boat” over and over and it doesn’t take long to fumble it. She hears someone in the audience laugh loudly at this so she gets him to do it and also fail. They begin to sing a tongue twisting song. “Billy Button bought a buttered biscuit. Did Billy Button buy a buttered biscuit? If Billy Button bought a buttered biscuit, where's the buttered biscuit Billy Button bought?” Roddy says to try, “Captain Crackscom cracked his cousin’s cockscomb”. Carol does, “Betty Botta bought some butter; “But,” said she, “this butter’s bitter! If I put it in my batter It will make my batter bitter. But a bit o’ better butter Will but make my batter better. Then she bought a bit o’ butter better than the bitter butter, made her bitter batter better so ’twas better Betty Botta bought a bit o’ better butter.” Roddy does, “A flea and a fly in a flue were imprisoned, so what could they do? Said the fly, "let us flee!” “Let us fly!" said the flea so they flew through a flaw in the flue.” He adds that the following is piece de resistance: “Moses supposes his toeses are roses; but Moses supposes erroneously, for nobody's toeses are roses or posies, as Moses supposes his toeses to be.” Carol and Roddy turn it into a beat poem. Then they sing a finish about tongue twisters in general.

            Vicki plays a waiter named Sally in a diner. Harvey and Tim enter boisterously and tell Sally her two boyfriends are back. She says, “Well if it ain’t Don Juan and Don half a Juan”. Harvey slaps her ass and she tells him to keep his paws to himself. They sit down and Tim says he’s getting divorced tomorrow and then the competition between him and Harvey is going to get stiff. Harvey says he’s been divorced for a whole year so he has a lot more experience. There are plenty of fish in the ocean for a man’s man like Harvey. He says he’s a loner and he likes it. He opens the menu and holds it up to his face to hide his crying but Tim sees him and says he’s acting like a sissy. Harvey says he can’t help it because he’s so lonely. Tim tells him to straighten up but then somebody plays Tim’s wife’s favourite song and he begins to break down in tears. Their food arrives but they are too upset to eat. They leave and Sally tells the other waiter she could fall for either one of those two but they just don’t take love seriously. 

            Roddy enters a factory, punches a clock, and puts on a blue coat. Carol, followed by Tim does the same. They stand on an assembly line, Roddy with a drill, Carol with a hammer, and Tim with a wrench. Identical rectangles of metal roll by, Roddy drills a hole, Carol hammers a nail partially into it, and Tim turns it with a wrench. As they work, Carol tells Roddy she wants a divorce because there’s somebody else. They have a coffee break and Roddy says, “If I ever find out who he is I’ll kill him!” Carol pours a cup of coffee and says she’ll never tell him. Then she turns and hands the coffee to Tim as she says, “Here sweetheart”. Back to work, Roddy goes crazy with his drill and starts drilling everything. Their boss (played by Harvey) comes in and tells Carol and Roddy to come to his office, leaving Tim at the belt, which has not stopped and he tries to do all three jobs by himself but can’t keep up. Carol and Roddy return and now they are back in love. Tim walks over to try to talk with them but gets caught on the belt and drilled and hammered by Roddy and Carol who are still busy making up and not paying attention. 

            Vicki is working in an office by herself and Tim is outside washing the window. Suddenly Tim’s scaffold rope slips and he’s hanging on precariously while shouting “Help!” She begins to sing the 1965 song “For Once in My Life” by Ron Miller and Orlando Murden that was a big hit for Stevie Wonder. Just as she’s finishing the song Tim has almost secured himself but he uses both hands to applaud and falls. 

            They do a parody of the film The Little Foxes. Roddy plays the wealthy Morris Gibbons who has a weak heart. Harvey plays Morris’s brother in law Bosco. Vicki plays Bosco’s wife Burly. Tim plays their son Theo. Carol plays Morris’s wife Regina. They are all waiting impatiently for Morris to die so they can have his money. They all hit Theo and when they don’t he hits himself. Morris has had a heart attack but he survived and as long as he takes his heart medicine he could be alive for a long time. Regina arranges for Morris to be brought home so she can speed his demise. The butler wheels Morris in and then hits Theo. Morris hits Theo weakly but he still tumbles up the stairs. Morris wonders why Regina didn’t visit him for the year he was in the hospital, which is just across the street. He says she could have at least waved. He tells her he’s going to cut her out of his will. She suddenly shouts “Surprise!” and he has another heart attack but gets his medicine in time. Bosco bursts through the door to see if Morris is dead yet but Regina says he’s not. Bosco exclaims, “Chitlins!” and it’s obviously an ad lib because Carol has to suppress a laugh. Regina screams in Morris’s ear and he has another heart attack. She pours his heart medicine into a house plant and it perks up. Morris collapses on the floor. She thinks he’s dead but he gets up again and tries to climb the stairs but tumbles back down. When she thinks it’s over he gets up again but falls once more. Bosco, Burly, and Theo come in. They get the key to his desk where keeps the will from Morris’s body. Regina opens it and everything has been left to Burly. But in the event of her demise it would go to Bosco. Burly asks, “What’s demise?” and Bosco shoots her. But if Bosco dies the estate would go to Theo. Theo reaches inside Bosco’s waistcoat and causes him to shoot himself. If Theo dies the money goes to Regina. Theo shoots himself. Regina opens the safe and a cannon pops out to kill her. Then Morris gets up, in perfect health. 

            They finish the show with a mini-musical featuring the songs of Cole Porter. But they do it in 18th Century costume with musical and vocal inflections from that era. It begins with a minuet to the tune of “Anything Goes” from the 1934 musical of the same name. Carol and Roddy sing “It’s De-Lovely” from the 1936 musical Red Hot and Blue while passing out hors d’oeuvres. But Roddy is kissing some of the women so Carol sings “Why Can’t You Behave?” from the 1948 musical Kiss Me Kate (for which Porter won two Tony Awards) . Harvey and Vicki arrive (perhaps they are King Louis and Marie Antoinette). Harvey sings “Love For Sale” from the 1930 musical The New Yorkers (the song was banned from many radio stations in its day) . Then he and Vicki sing “Let’s Do It Let’s Fall In Love” from the 1928 musical Paris. Carol responds to Harvey with “I Hate Men” from Kiss Me Kate. Harvey takes her in his arms and returns to “Love For Sale” and they walk away arm in arm. Vicki sings to Roddy “All of You” from the from the 1955 musical Silk Stockings. Roddy sings to her “Let’s Be Buddies” from Anything Goes. Vicki returns to “All of You” while bouncing on his lap. He sings “You Do Something to Me” from the 1929 musical Fifty Million Frenchmen. Carol stumbles back into the room without Harvey but with her clothing somewhat in disarray as she sings, “Just One of Those Things” from the 1935 musical Jubilee. Roddy joins in the same song, changing his affections from Vicki to Carol. Harvey comes in and grabs Carol from behind while Vicki does the same to Roddy. Carol and Roddy sing to each other, and Vicki and Harvey to each other, “Always True to You In My Fashion” from Kiss Me Kate. Everyone returns to “Anything Goes”. Carol and Roddy sing “From This Moment On” from Kiss Me Kate. Then everybody finishes with “Anything Goes”. 

            Cole Porter was raised on a 750 acre fruit ranch. He began studying piano when he was 8 at the Marion Conservatory. He started writing songs at the age of 10 and his first was “Song of the Birds”. He entered Yale in 1909 and joined the glee club, eventually becoming president. He brought an upright piano with him to school. He published his first song “Bridget McGuire” in 1910. He wrote over 300 songs at Yale alone. As a football cheerleader he wrote the football fight songs “Yale Bulldog Song” and “Bingo Eli Yale”, which are still sung there. He graduated with a BA. His first song to be sung on Broadway was “Esmerelda” for the 1915 revue Hands Up. His first Broadway production was the 1916 flop See America First. he moved to Paris during WWI and claimed to have joined the French Foreign Legion, which the Legion itself claims to be true. He is said to have entertained the troops with a portable piano that he carried on his back. All through the war he maintained a luxury apartment in Paris where he held decadent parties. He studied music composition in Paris. In 1919 he married the very wealthy Linda Lee Thomas who knew he was gay and they threw lavish parties in their home in Paris. His first big hit was “Old Fashioned Garden” from the 1919 revue Hitchy Koo. In 1923 he inherited millions from his grandfather and he and Linda moved to Venice into the former home of Elizabeth and Robert Browning. They once hired the entire Ballet Russes for a party. His ballet Within the Quota was one of the earliest symphonic jazz based compositions. They built an extravagant floating nightclub that could accommodate 100 guests for their spectacular balls. Paris in 1928 was his first hit Broadway musical. He wrote “Let’s Misbehave” for the show but it was dropped. His 1929 show Wake Up and Dream was a hit in London but less so in New York because of the stock market crash. His 1929 show Fifty Million Frenchmen was bombing until Irving Berlin saved it with a great review. Gay Divorce in 1932 featured the song “Night and Day” and was adapted into the film The Gay Divorcee. He considered his 1934 show Anything Goes (containing “I Get a Kick Out of You” and “You’re the Top”, along with his later one Kiss Me Kate to be his two perfect shows. Anything Goes featured Ethel Merman whose voice he loved. He wrote many songs with her voice in mind. In 1934 he wrote “Don’t Fence Me In” but it wasn’t a hit until it was sung by Roy Rogers in 1944. In 1937 he was injured in a horseback riding accident and confined to a wheelchair for five years, during which time wrote Broadway musicals. His 1938 show Leave It To Me featured “My Heart Belongs to Daddy”. In 1939 as WWII was beginning he and Linda closed down their Paris home and moved their things to the Berkshire Mountains in Massachusetts. He kept an apartment in the Waldorf Astoria Tower in New York from 1939 to 1964. His 1940 show Panama Hattie ran for 501 performances. His 1941 show Let’s Face It ran for 547 performances. In 1948 Kiss Me Kate ran for 1,077 performances. Linda died in 1954. In 1958 his right leg was amputated. He hated it when singers changed his lyrics such as Frank Sinatra doing “I Get a Kick Out of You” and adding “Ya give me a boot”. he wrote over 900 songs. His estate continues to earn more than $3 million a year, which is divided among various relatives.

June 22, 1996: My five year old daughter spent the weekend

Thirty years ago today

            On Saturday my five year old daughter True began her usual weekend at my place. We went to the playground.

The Pointer Sisters

            On Friday morning I posted on Facebook “The Cannibal Gourmets”, my translation of “Les anthropophages” by Serge Gainsbourg. I then looked for the next Gainsbourg song on my list that I haven’t yet translated usually because I couldn’t find the text or the audio of the song online. I found that the next one is a 1972 parody he wrote of his most famous song “Je t’aime. Moi non plus” but there is no audio for it online. The next song after that is a parody of “Que je t’aime”, which was a big hit for Johnny Halliday (the French Elvis). It was written for a TV show and there is only one video of the performance of the song by Jean Pierre Cassel and Jane Birkin but it’s on INA France, and Clip Grab can’t copy it. I realized though that I can probably just record the audio with Audacity, download that and then upload it to Sonix to get a transcript. I’ll do that tomorrow. 

            I weighed 90.05 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin during song practice and as usual it went out of tune for every song. 

            Around midday I painted the second and final coat of the shade of pink called “crazy in love” onto the top of my bathroom lazy Susan. On Sunday I’ll start painting the flower reliefs on my future bathroom mirror frame with the same hue. 

            I weighed 91.15 before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and on the way back stopped at Freshco. Outside the supermarket I ran into my upstairs neighbour Shawn. He said he’ll help me pressure the landlord into dealing with the bedbugs and he’ll get Darnel, or neighbour in unit 5 to join us. I’m sure my upstairs neighbour David will contribute as well, so that will make 4 out of 7 tenants. 

            At Freshco I bought seven bags of cherries, some bananas, a pack of honey garlic chicken wings (made from honey garlic chickens), two packs of Full City Dark coffee, a jar of salsa, and a lint roller. I price matched the cherries to the No Frills price of $4.34 a kilo. 

            I weighed 90.9 kilos at 18:15. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still behind at suppertime. 

            I had a potato with gravy and a thick slice of roast pork while watching season 9, episode 7 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone asks who designed the set. Carol says it’s Paul Barnes.

            Someone asks what Carol is laughing at when she looks at the back of the room. She says the producers and directors are all in a glass booth back there getting drunk. 

            The first sketch is an episode of Mama’s Family. Mama, Eunice, Ed, and their guest, Ed’s friend Mickey Hart are just finishing supper. Eunice talks everybody into playing charades. She says she doesn’t want to force anybody so Mama says, “Well then let’s not play!” Eunice says it’ll be the men against the women. Each team has to think up two charades. Eunice tries to teach Mama all the signals for movie, a saying, a song, a play, a book, little words, “Th” words, the word “that”, a proper name, sounds like, and syllables. They come up with “Under the Bamboo Tree” and :The Scarlet Pimpernel”. Ed tries to get Mickey to guess “Under the Bamboo Tree”. He gets that it’s a four word song. Ed tries to mime someone being tortured with bamboo shoots under their fingernails but it’s not obvious. He tries to mime “under” but Mickey doesn’t get it and Ed becomes more and more frustrated until he calls him “dumb” and an “idiot”. After that Mickey refuses to play so Ed apologizes to him and they continue. Mickey finally gets “Under” just as the time is up. Mama has to mime “Supplemental Hardware Guide”. She starts with the word “Guide” but all she does is point. She tries to do “Sup” by miming eating. By the time Eunice gets it the time has run out. Next Mickey indicates it’s a movie and Ed immediately guesses The Scarlet Pimpernel because he watched it on TV last night. Eunice tries to mime “Wait Till the Sun Shines Nelly”. She gets wait and that the second word rhymes with “pill” but never guesses “till”. She finally gets “Wait Till the Sun Shines Something” and knows the song but can’t remember “Nelly”. She gets “sounds like belly” but still can’t remember until she finally gets it but they are two minutes over time. Eunice is very upset. She is particularly mad about “supplemental hardware guide” which nobody could get “especially when playing with a dumb cluck like her!” Ed says, “Let’s have another game” and suddenly Eunice is in a good mood again. 

            The Pointer Sisters sing “How Long (Betcha Got a Chick on the Side)” by Anita Pointer, Bonnie Pointer, and David Rubinson from their 1975 album Steppin. 

            Harvey plays a bartender in an empty bar when Carol walks in. She sits at the bar and says “Just make it strong”. He offers her Jack Daniels but she doesn’t want anything with a man’s name on it. She gets a drink and then follows the cliché of pouring out your troubles to a bartender. She talks about a guy who ran out on her after three years and Harvey starts joking. She says they met in Chicago. Harvey says, “The windy city. I knew a chicken there who laid the same egg three times”. She says they were going to get married. Harvey says, “You never know what happiness is until you get married… and then it’s too late”. Carol is mad that he’s joking while she bares her heart. She says she was going to have one last drink before ending it all. Harvey says he had a friend who ended it all by dressing like a pine tree and throwing himself in front of Euell Gibbons (a reference to Gibbons saying that the pine tree is edible). She shouts for him to stop it but he says he can’t because it’s the only way he can keep his sanity when everybody is pouring out their troubles to him. He says he’s got troubles too but has no one to tell them to. She says he can tell them to her. He tells her about a woman he was with who left him. He tried to find somebody else but nobody could hold a candle to her. Carol asks, “Where did you meet her? A dynamite factory?” He tells her she’s all right then asks if she’d care to join him in a cup of coffee. She says, “Sure but do you think we’d both fit?” 

            Tim does his stairs, platform, stool, music stand skit. He starts singing “Just in Time” by Jule Styne and Betty Comden from the 1956 musical Bells Are Ringing but his stool collapses and he tumbles off the platform. 

           Tim does it again, this time without sitting on the stool. He starts singing “Make Someone Happy” by the same writers from the 1960 musical Do Re Me. This times he falls through the platform.

           Harvey plays a DJ who’s a parody of Wolfman Jack called Sheepman Jack. His guests are The Painter Sisters. He says, “I hear you’re a great rock group but they say, no. They don’t do rock but rather standards like “Stardust” and “Body and Soul”. Their influence is The Andrews Sisters. They like Gershwin, Porter, and Broadway songs. They start singing “The Sound of Music” but Jack cuts them off, saying “You can’t sing that here”. He signs off and changes his voice to say he agrees with their taste in music but his listeners wouldn’t. But then the girls reveal that they just do standards for the money and what they really like is rock and roll. 

            Carol and Tim do a silent film. They are two down and out people too poor to buy a hot dog. But Carol sees a sign that reads “Fight Killer Bronco and Win $1” and pushes Tim into the ring. Bronco is much bigger and Tim is getting beat. Carol puts a horseshoe in his glove but now he can barely lift it. Carol helps him cheat and Bronco is knocked out. They win the $1 and buy two hotdogs but see two poor people who are hungry. Carol and Tim give them the buns and keep the dogs. 

            Carol is the bride to be at a bridal shower. Her mother is there played by Vicki and the dancers and The Pointer Sisters play her friends. Carol is drunk and getting drunker. They sing “Get Me to the Church On Time” by Frederick Loewe and Alan Jay Lerner from the 1956 musical My Fair Lady. With the help of the Pointer Sisters the song is done as more of a gospel style number. But by the time they are done Carol is collapsed on the floor. 

            The Pointer Sisters started out singing in their father’s church. While touring and developing their act they also worked as backup singers for recording artists such as Boz Scaggs, Grace Slick, and Elvin Bishop. They started recording in 1971 and their single “Send Him Back” became a Northern Soul classic. They released their self titled album in 1973 and had a hit with “Yes We Can Can” by Allen Toussaint. Their second album in 1974 was That’s a Plenty, which contained the country song “Fairytale” by Bonnie and Anita Pointer. It won the Grammy Award for Best Country Performance by a Group. They became the first black group to perform at the Grand Ol Opry. That year they made their TV debut on The Helen Reddy Show. Their third album in 1975 was Steppin, which gave them the #1 R&B hit “Betcha Got a Chick on the Side”. They co-starred in the movie Car Wash in 1976. In 1976 they provided voices for Pinball Number Count for Sesame Street. Bonnie left the group in 1977 and they became a trio. That year they released their fourth album Having a Party. In 1978 their cover of Bruce Springsteen’s “Fire” from their album Energy was a #2 hit. Their 1980 album Special Things produced the top ten hit “He’s So Shy” by Tom Snow and Cynthia Weil. Their 1981 album Black and White had the top ten hit “Slow Hand” by Michael Clark and John Bettis. Their 1984 album Break Out had two top ten hits with “I’m So Excited, written by the Pointer Sisters and Trevor Lawrence; and “Neutron Dance” by Allee Willis and Danny Sambello, which featured prominently in Beverly Hills Cop. In 1985 they won a Grammy for “Jump” and another for “Automatic”. That year they also performed on the charity hit song “We Are the World”. They hosted the TV special The Pointer Sisters: Up All Nite in 1987. In 1996 they performed in the closing ceremony of the Atlanta Summer Olympics. They had a #2 hit in Belgium in 2005 with a cover of “Sisters Are Doin it for Themselves” by Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart. After June Pointer died in 2006 she was replaced by Ruth’s daughter Issa. They’ve had 13 top 20 hits.

June 21, 1996: I busked, performed then busked again

Thirty years ago today

            On Friday I probably busked and then performed on the Spit Fridays open stage in the back room of the Cameron. Afterward I likely busked again on Queen Street between The Horseshoe Tavern and The Rivoli.

Peter Matz

            On Thursday morning I uploaded “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian to my Christian’s Translations blog and began preparing it for publication. 

            In my Christian’s Translations blog I finished editing “Les anthropophages” (The Cannibals) by Serge Gainsbourg and published it. On Friday I’ll post my translation on Facebook and then move on to my next untranslated Gainsbourg song. 

            I weighed 89.9 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since June 9. 

            I played my Kramer during song practice and it stayed in tune most of the time. 

            Around midday I swept the living room, bathroom and kitchen floors, then cleaned the bathroom sink, toilet and floor. 

            I weighed 91 kilos at 14:15. 

            Nick Cushing came by at around 14:30. We sat at the kitchen table and I shared grapes, potato chips, and lemonade with him while we chatted for a couple of hours. 

            I took a siesta from around 16:15 to 17:45. It was too late for a bike ride and too late to go to the supermarket as I would normally do on a Thursday. I decided I’d go on Friday. 

            I weighed 91.1 kilos at 18:20.

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal and was still behind at suppertime. 

            I had a large potato with gravy and a thick slice of roast pork while watching season 9, episode 5 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup Carol talks about Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip with an audience member from England who says that Philip wanted to be called King Philip. According to my research that’s not true. He was sixth in line for the Greek throne and seventh in line for the Danish crown when he was born, which made kingship for either country highly unlikely even then. Later the monarchy in Greece was eliminated and the line of succession for Denmark was changed to move him out of it entirely. It’s doubtful that he had any illusions about being the king of anything. He also had to renounce any claims to other thrones in order to marry Elizabeth Windsor. Carol says she saw Elizabeth and Philip in Australia and everybody thinks he’s tall but he just looked that way beside Queen Elizabeth who was very short. But he was taller than average at 1.83 meters while the queen was 1.63 meters. 

            Harvey plays a psychiatrist and Carol is his patient. She thinks she’s making progress but keeps breaking down into crying fits. he asks if there is something from her childhood that she feels sad about. She says there was something that happened when she was 8. She had a pale that she loved and was playing with it in the sandbox when a fat kid came and took it from her and wouldn’t give it back. The doctor explains that sometimes overweight children compensate with unnecessary aggression. He says he himself was a chubby child. She says, Not only did he take my pale away but he kicked it and put a dent in it. The doctor asks, “Was this pale blue with a clown on one side?” She looks at him with surprise and says that it was. “Was there a picture of Mini Mouse on the other side?” “Yes!” He asks what was her maiden name and she says “Crenshaw”. He suddenly remembers her from his own childhood and calls out “Crybaby Crenshaw!” She exclaims, “Fatso Hoffman! You took away my pail!” He says, “It was my pail! You sold me your pail! I gave you six pieces of salt water taffy! You said you would give me your pail if I gave you six pieces!” She says, “You waddled up to me with your fat tucked into your daddy’s swim trunks and said, ‘You better give me that pail!’” They take control of themselves briefly and return to their professional relationship but then Carol says, “How can I continue taking therapy from the very man who gave me my hang-ups?” She says if he doesn’t give her back her pail he’s going to tell the patients in his waiting room about him getting expelled from the third grade for drawing dirty pictures on the bathroom wall. He opens a desk drawer, pulls out a pail, and gives it to her. But she says it isn’t her pail because hers had a yellow handle. It has the name of another child they knew on it. She goes to the door and shouts to the patients but he calls her back. He goes to a closet and pulls out another pail but that’s not hers either. She goes the closet and opens it leading to an avalanche of pails. She finds her pail and happily leaves with it. But then she comes back, walks up to him and holds out her hand. He shakes his head but she gestures insistently so he reaches into his vest pocket, pulls out a red shovel and hands it to her. She skips out the door. 

            Tim does his new skit in which he ascends a stairs to a spotlit platform that has a stool, a music stand, and one long stemmed rose in a vase. Above is a boom mic. He begins singing “White Christmas” as he turns the pages of the music and they are all white. 

            Bernadette Peters sings and dances to “He’s the Wizard” by Charlie Smalls from the 1975 musical The Wiz. 

            Harvey plays a police detective in charge of a precinct and trying nab a serial park mugger. Carol’s old woman character comes in and Harvey thinks she’s a vice squad cop in a bad disguise until he tries to pull her wig off and it isn’t one. When he realizes she’s a real old lady she reports that her purse was snatched. Then Tim is roughly brought in by a cop who says he was picked up on suspicion of mugging. Harvey says, “I’ve been waiting to catch one of you guys at this and he throws a punch at the cop who brought Tim in, then says, “There’ll be no police brutality in my department!” Then he apologizes to Tim. Carol says he’s the one that stole her purse but Harvey says she’ll blow the whole case since he hasn’t read him his rights (I think the cop who picked him up in the first place would have read him his rights before they even brought him to the station). Then a purse falls out from inside Tim’s jacket and Carol says it’s hers. Harvey asks if she is accusing Tim of stealing her purse and she says she is. He says it’s a very serious accusation and asks her to prove it’s her purse. She says it matches her hat. Tim says, “What a coincidence!” Harvey says he needs more proof than that and she says she can tell him what’s in it. Tim says he can prove he couldn’t have snatched her purse. He puts the strap over her right shoulder so the purse hands down her left side. Then he tries to grab it but it doesn’t come off and he swings her into a wall, knocking her down. But she says that’s not the way she wears her purse. She hangs it from Tim’s left shoulder the way she wore it and tries to grab it but he grabs the strap with his hand and drags her back to swing her against the wall again. From the floor she says she’s like to drop the charges. Tim says, “Here’s your purse” and tosses it to her. Harvey takes that as an admission of guilt and Tim admits he’s got him. Harvey says not to worry because they’ll get him a free lawyer and his case won’t come up for a couple of years anyway. Then he takes Carol’s purse and tells her they have to hold it as evidence. He won’t even give her the money that’s inside so she can get home. Then Tim pulls a gun and Carol tries to tell Harvey but Tim puts it in her hands and shouts, “She’s got a gun!” Harvey karate chops her. Tim is set free and Carol is arrested. 

            Tim does his stairs to platform to stool, music stand skit and begins singing “Once in Love with Amy” by Frank Lesser from the 1948 musical Where’s Charlie? But the boom mic rises out of sight and a noose is lowered in front of Tim’s face. 

            Tim’s stairs, platform, stool, music stand sketch is repeated. he starts singing “Fools rush in…” and the entire audience gets up and heads for the exit. 

            In a hospital a doctor (played by Harvey) approaches two nurses (played by Bernadette and Vicki) who are standing on each side of Tim who is on a gurney. Bernadette tells the doctor Tim was bitten by a rattlesnake. The doctor tells Bernadette to give him an injection of snake bite serum. She shouts at her because she’s moving too slowly and then leaves. She’s about to inject the serum when Vickie tells her, “If you give him that needle you’re crazy, after the way the doctor spoke to you! I wouldn’t give him a shot until the doctor apologizes!” Bernadette agrees that she has to take a stand. Meanwhile Tim is starting to experience the terminal symptom of blindness. The doctor returns and wants to know why Tim hasn’t been given the serum. Bernadette demands an apology. He says, “Don’t you realize this man could die?” She says, “Don’t change the subject!” “I order you to give this man the injection!” “Over my dead body!” The doctor is about to give him the injection when Vickie says, “Wait till the other doctors find out that a nurse made you back down!” “I didn’t back down!” “You’re giving him the needle aren’t you?” The doctor puts down the needle and says, “Not on you life” then walks away. Vicki says she’ll give Tim his injection just as his body becomes paralyzed but Bernadette stops her and says it will make her look bad and they struggle with the needle until they accidentally inject him. 

            At the end everybody is dressed in period costumes for a number that wasn’t aired as Carol says goodnight. 

            Season 9 was the first time that Carol began giving verbal credit to the show’s orchestra lead Peter Matz. He studied music theory and piano in Paris from 1952 to 1954. He then returned to New York. He provided the dance and vocal arrangements for Harold Arlen’s 1954 Broadway musical House of Flowers. This led to him writing the orchestrations for Arlen’s next musical, Jamaica. He then accompanied Marlene Dietrich’s cabaret act. He arranged the music and accompanied Noel Coward during his 1955 cabaret act in Las Vegas. His work can be heard on the album Noel Coward in Las Vegas. He then worked on Coward’s musical Sail Away. He was nominated for a Tony Award for his music direction for the 1962 musical No Strings. He conducted Barbara Streisand’s first four albums and won a Grammy for arranging her album People. He arranged the albums Liza Liza, It Amazes Me, and The Ethel Merman Disco Album. He was also the music director for the film Funny Lady (for which he was nominated for an Oscar). He won an Emmy for Barbara’s TV special My Name is Barbara. He was the orchestra leader and music director on the shows Hullabaloo, and Kraft Music Hall. He wrote the theme music for Mama’s Family. He composed the soundtracks for the films Bye Bye Braverman, Marlow, Rivals, The Call of the Wild, The Great Houdini, The Last Hurrah, The Private Eyes, Lust in the Dust, and Stepping Out. He won three Emmy Awards and a Grammy.

June 20, 1996: I either worked or busked

Thirty years ago today

            On Thursday if I wasn’t working I might have busked by myself downtown or with Brian Haddon if he wasn’t working.