Paul Sand

            On Saturday morning I compared the Google translations of the lyrics I already had for the second verse of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg with the ones that Sonix transcribed from the audio. Sonix got most of it right. I’m definitely going to have to re-memorize this song because the one I memorized doesn’t exist. 

            I weighed 87.65 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since April 15. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it only stayed in tune completely through two songs. 

            A large group of Tibetans wearing lime coloured safety vests were walking along Queen Street and picking up garbage. 

            Around midday I rode to No Frills where I bought five bags of cherries, a pack of raspberries, a pack of blueberries, a pack of chicken drumsticks, a strawberry-rhubarb pie, some lemon dish detergent, tomato pesto, three bags of skim milk, a jug of limeade, a jug of orange juice, two containers of skyr, and a bag of Miss Vickie’s chips. The cashier, Winta said she had to return a watermelon she bought there because it was hard inside and not sweet. I told her the watermelons are not good this time of year.

            I weighed 89.2 kilos at 14:20. I had saltines with peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar and a glass of iced tea. 

            After my siesta it was too late to take a bike ride downtown and so I just rode to Ossington and Bloor. 

            I weighed 89.15 kilos at 17:55. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, marinated mushrooms, olive paste, my last two souvlaki sliced, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 7, episode 5 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            A couple is in a cheap restaurant. The woman played by Carol is a constant complainer with a penchant for insulting everyone around her. She complains to Harry that he hasn’t taken her out in ten years. He reminds her that he’s been in prison for ten years. She insults the bartender’s drink and calls the waiter a floozie. Harry begs her to shut up because he’s on parole and if she causes a fight then he’s the one who’ll be going back to prison. She and the waiter almost get into fight but Harry calms the situation. She calls out “flatfoot” to a cop and Harry has to avoid a hassle. She calls a biker a moron and while he’s telling the man his wife is sorry she hits his hand, which happens to be holding a steak knife and causes it to stab the biker and kill him. She grabs the knife to explain to the cops it was an accident but Harry says that she did it and they take her away while he happily enjoys a peaceful meal. 

            Eydie Gorme sings the 1973 song “Take One Step” by Robert Allen and Arthur Kent.

            Matthew (Paul Sand) and Jessica (Carol) are newlyweds on their honeymoon in a car late at night with Matthew driving. Matthew has passed many motels and Jessica wants to stop so they can be together for the first night of their marriage. He says he’s looking for the right one but finally confesses he’s frightened. He says he would have gone to a hotel with her before they were married because there was something smutty about it. Finally she suggests that he check into a motel alone and then sneak her in as if they weren’t married. He loves it but says they have to hurry up because he told his mother he’d be home before midnight. 

            Harvey Korman is co-starring in a musical film called Huckleberry Finn and with the help of the dancers he performs the 1974 song “Royalty” by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman. 

            They do a salute to series films, starting with Young Dr. Kildare, which had 16 movies. Kildare was always second guessed by the older Dr. Gillespie. In the scene, Gillespie asks Kildare, “What do you think you’re doing you young whippersnapper?” Kildare says, “This man is suffering from arterial glaucoma and if he is not operated on immediately he will die. While Gillespie argues that Kildare can’t decide to stop death the man dies. Gillespie then insists that Kildare give the patient a condeacted orchidectomy and since Gillespie runs the hospital Kildare prepares the corpse for a nose job. 

            There were 23 movies based on the O Henry character The Cisco Kid, who was the greatest bandit and greatest lover in Mexico. Cisco meets his sidekick Pancho in a cantina. He says he’s come back to settle down with the sweet and gentle Carmelita. But Carmelita comes out and she’s now wild, loud, and sexy. She insists that still nobody has touched her but on her backside we see the mark of Zorro. 

            The Tarzan films started in 1918 and added up to 42 of them. One of those films was Tarzan’s New York Adventure in 1942. In the spoof we see Tarzan (Lyle) and Jane (Carol) in a fancy restaurant. They have trouble catching the attention of the waiter so Jane does Carol’s Tarzan yell. 

            There were 13 Wolfman movies. In the spoof Carol and Paul play a couple on vacation in Transylvania. Their car breaks down outside a spooky castle. They enter and are told to go away by an elderly woman who says there is no phone, no mechanic nearby and they try to keep their blood sucking down to a minimum. Then she cackles loudly. She hears a wolf howl and says her master is calling. Then laughs again. They try to leave but there is now a brick wall when they open the door. Then they meet a Romani fortune teller who reads Carol’s palms. The left one tells the past and the woman says, “Naughty naughty”. Then she looks at the future and tells Carol she’s a dead duck. She says, “The Wolfman will bite you tonight. Oy are you gonna get it!” She says she has twin sons. One is a werewolf and one is a rock singer. When the moon is full you can’t tell them apart. She says a werewolf can only be killed with a silver stick, a wooden stake or a Bulgarian cream pie: a stick, a stake or a schtick. Then they meet the very normal Sir Larry Tomlin who is the master of the castle. He is very friendly and offers them a drink but begins showing signs of transforming. He starts attacking Paul and when Carol hits him in the face with a cream pie he collapses. Carol asks for a doctor and the fortune teller tells her there’s an excellent specialist down the road named Dr, Frankenstein. 

            In 1937 the movie Dead End starred six young roughnecks who stole the picture and started a new series featuring The Dead End Kids, The east Side Kids, and The Bowery Boys. The spoof has Sergeant Krupke alone. He hears whistling, throws his hat down and calls for the punks to show themselves. The six Dead End Kids emerge and start taunting him. They play monkey in the middle with Krupke as they toss his hat around. They sing “Gee Officer Krupke” by Stephen Sondheim and Leonard Bernstein from the 1957 musical West Side Story:

Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke 

Ya gotta understand 

It's just our bringin' upke 

That gets us outta hand 

Our mothers all are junkies 

Our fathers all are drunks 

Golly Moses, naturally we're punks! 

Dear kindly Judge, your Honor 

My parents treat me rough 

With all their marijuana 

They won't give me a puff 

They didn't wanna have me 

But somehow I was had 

Leapin' lizards — that's why I'm so bad! 

My Daddy beats my Mommy 

My Mommy clobbers me 

My Grandpa is a Commie 

My Grandma pushes tea 

My sister wears a mustache 

My brother wears a dress 

Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess! 

            Paul Sand, at the age of 11 started at Viola Spolin’s Children’s Theatre Company. At age 18 he studied mime in Paris with Marcel Marceau and joined his touring mime troupe. He made his TV debut in Shower of Stars in 1955. In 1959 he was an original member of Second City in Chicago. He co-starred in The Mad Show in 1966. He made his film debut in A Great Big Thing in 1968. He won a Tony for his performance in Paul Sills’ Story Theatre in 1971. He was discovered by Mary Tyler Moore and her production company starred him in the short lived sitcom Friends and Lovers in 1974. He co-starred in the sixth season of the sitcom Gimme a Break. He co-starred in The Second Coming of Suzanne, The Great Bank Hoax, and The Main Event.

May 17, 1996: I picked up my paycheques

Thirty years ago today 

            Friday was a payday so I went downtown to pick up my Ontario College of Art and my Toronto Board of Education paycheques. I probably stayed downtown to busk and then in the evening went to perform on the Spit Fridays open stage in the back room of the Cameron.

Gary Belkin

            On Friday morning I memorized the fifth verse of L'anguille (The Eel) by Boris Vian. That’s half the song. 

            I compared the Google translations of the lyrics I already had for the first verse of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg with the ones that Sonix transcribed from the audio. The ones from Sonix make more sense but I’m not as sure about the second verse. I weighed 88.5 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the last of two sessions and it went out of tune on every song. Tomorrow I begin a two session stretch of playing my electrics. 

            Around midday I unplugged and disconnected my Yamaha receiver to take it to AMI Electronics at Parliament and Shuter to get Dr. Oscar Moz to fix it because the right channel keeps dropping out. I told him I needed it back today so I guess he charged extra for that. He said he’d call me after a couple of hours to give me his diagnosis and tell me how much it would cost. 

            I rode home and had lunch. 

            I weighed 88.6 kilos at 15:20, which is the lightest I’ve been in the early afternoon since April 15. 

            I took a siesta at 15:55 and Oscar called at 16:30. He offered to install Blue Tooth on my receiver but I wasn’t familiar enough with it to want to have it. He said the price for the repairs was $195 and I could pick it up at 17:30. I didn’t expect the price to be that high. I had to stop at the bank machine at the Bank of Montreal on the way there. Oscar had just finished when I got there. He said he’d had to solder new connections for the knobs and for the jacks in the back. He also had to put in new capacitors. On top of that he cleaned it. 

            When I got home I reconnected the stereo and was surprised that it was so easy. I’m always afraid of screwing things like this up. So far it looks like Oscar fixed the problem but I didn’t try to record. 

            I weighed 88.75 kilos at 19:00. That’s the easiest I’ve been on the scale in the evening since April 15. 

            I boiled a potato, heated some gravy and warmed up two chicken drumsticks. 

            I got ready to watch season 7, episode 3 of The Carol Burnett Show but there was no sound. My computer sound is accessed by the CD setting on the receiver and I was pretty sure I had the wire plugged in the right place but I switched it. That didn’t work. I restarted the computer. My supper was getting cold. The restart didn’t seem to help but when I switched from the line-out plug to the CD plug it worked. I’m pretty sure I’d put it in that slot before so maybe the restart worked after all. 

            On The Carol Burnett Show, during the audience warmup, Carol announces that Gloria Swanson is her special guest. Carol does a parody of Gloria called Nora Desmond and Gloria wrote to her that she got a kick out of it. Carol shows the final scene from Sunset Boulevard in which Gloria delivers her line, “Okay Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up”. Gloria comes out holding Lyle Waggoner’s hand and thanks Carol. She says most shows only “send flowers to my dressing room but you’ve really outdone yourself”, then she looks lovingly at Lyle. Carol mentions that Lyle was recently a centrefold in Playgirl Magazine. Gloria tells Lyle she wants to have dinner with him in Algiers. Carol says he can’t go because he’s a regular. Gloria says, “A regular? Forget it! I wanted a weirdo! Harvey!” 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch Roger is mad at Carol because she invited the elevator operator at his work building over for dinner. The elevator operator has a crush on Carol and Roger doesn’t understand why she encourages him. Carol explains that she invited him as a means of curing him of his infatuation. She thinks that if she and Roger demonstrate their affection for one another it will discourage him. Roger agrees to play along. Carol and Roger make sure they are kissing each other passionately when Jim arrives but it doesn’t phase him at all. He just tells Carol he didn’t want to be late for his first date with her. Jim knows better than Roger that Carol likes white wine on the rocks and that she wears a size 8 dress. Carol’s plan is not working and so Roger confronts Jim directly about his crush. Jim says he is in love with Carol. Carol, Harvey and Chrissie all try to argue how wrong it is for Jim to be in love with a married woman. Jim stands up and says, “You people are acting like being in love is some sort of crime. When actually it’s the highest compliment one human being can pay to another. So I’m in love with your wife, big deal. I’m not trying to break up your marriage. I’m not sneaking around behind your back. I’m just an honest man trying to express an honest emotion. I thought you’d understand that but I guess I was wrong. I’m sorry if I’ve offended anybody. I didn’t mean to, I really didn’t. Please excuse me” and then he leaves. Both Carol and Roger feel rotten and Crol runs after Jim, but he’s just waiting outside the door. She brings him back in for dinner. Jim says, “After dinner we can go to a movie while they’re doing the dishes.” 

            Gloria Swanson says, “They’re making such a fuss about the last tango (referencing the film The Last Tango in Paris). You’re looking at the kid who danced the first”. She sings and dances with the Ernie Flatt Dancers to the 1956 song “A New Fangled Tango” by Harold Karr and Matt Dubey. All the male dancers are made to resemble Rudolf Valentino. 

            In The Old Folks sketch Burt and Molly insult each other as usual up until they declare their love with a song. They sing “An Old Man” by Richard Rodgers from the 1970 musical Two By Two.

            Carol and Vickie play two sisters watching their mother leave for a date and hoping she’ll get married. They sing “Mama’s Got a Date” and it looks like it was written specifically for this number. They sing “Tonight at Eight” by Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick from the 1963 musical She Loves Me. Then they sing “If Mama Was Married” by Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim from the 1959 musical Gypsy. In the end Mama returns to announce she’s married and she’s the tall, big breasted Jewish mother played by Harvey Korman in drag. 

            Carol plays a naively devoted housewife and Harvey plays her cheating husband who feels so guilty he can’t help but eventually let it slip out that he’s having an affair. She listens to him while she’s mixing the batter for a cake and when he finally confesses she is extremely understanding. She asks him to taste the batter and he immediately dies of poisoning. 

            Carol’s Charwoman is cleaning up in a film studio and she goes into a projection rool where silent films are stored. She watches a film called Silents is Golden. In it Gloria Swanson plays Charlie Chaplin and silently invites the Charwoman into the screen. Charlie picks some flowers for the Charwoman from a public garden and they are chased by a cop who keeps getting knocked over by people and obstructions. They sit at a restaurant table next to a snooty couple played by Lyle and Vicki and imitate them. Lyle drinks champagne from Vickie’s shoe so Charlie steals the bottle and pours it into the Charwoman’s boot but it is full of holes. Then the cop and everyone else chases them. The Charwoman escapes back to reality. She wants Charlie to come with her but he can’t. The Charwoman sings a song in praise of silent films. 

            Jim was played by Jim Connell but there’s not a lot of information about him. He made a few guest appearances on shows like Get Smart and Gidget. 

            This episode was co-written by Gary Belkin, who started his career writing jokes for radio comedians and cartoon ideas for The New Yorker magazine. He wrote for Your Show of Shows, Caesar’s Hour, The Carol Burnett Show, Get Smart, Three’s Company, The Doris Day Show, The Danny Kaye Show, The Tonight Show, and Sesame Street. He was nominated for 8 Emmy Awards and won two. He also ghost wrote quips and poetry for Muhammad Ali.

May 16, 1996: I posed for art classes

Thirty years ago today 

            On Thursday I probably posed for art classes but I have no record of which ones.

Jay Tarses

            On Thursday morning I downloaded the YouTube video of Regine singing “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. I then uploaded it to Sonix to get a transcription because it felt like mine wasn’t accurate. Their transcription was quite different, probably right in places but also probably wrong in places. I copied each line and put them beside each line from the text I had. Tomorrow I’ll figure out which lines are correct. 

            I weighed 88.85 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin acoustic for song practice for the first of two sessions and it went out of tune during every song. 

            Around midday I went to the post office at the back of Vina Pharmacy and bought a postage paid box for sending my daughter her birthday treats and the rough amethyst. I also bought an envelope to send my Australian friend Audrey Morgan a copy of my book Paranoiac Utopia. 

            I weighed 90 kilos before lunch, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the early afternoon since May 3. 

            I took a siesta and got up at 16:04. I skipped brushing my teeth and immediately packed, sealed and addressed the box for Astrid in Montreal. I signed a copy of my book and put it in the envelope for Audrey. I checked online to find out which direction mail travels from Toronto to Australia. It makes sense that it travels west because there would be fewer countries to fly over on the way. I got both items to the post office on time to send them out with the last mail of the day. Astrid’s package should get to Montreal on Monday or Tuesday. Audrey’s book will take ten business days. Her birthday’s on May 21 but it probably won’t arrive until my birthday on May 26. 

            After the post office I went home to brush my teeth but by the time I was done it was too late for a bike ride. So I just rode straight to Freshco. They had cherries for $6.59 a kilo so I bought five bags. I also got a pack of raspberries, bananas, a pack of large hot Italian sausages, a pack of cheese sausages, a pack of chicken drumsticks, a large can of Full City Dark coffee, and a box of spoon sized shredded wheat. 

            I weighed 89.2 kilos at 18:20. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 20:00. 

            I tried again to digitize a cassette tape but the right channel kept dropping out. It comes back if move the receiver but then drops out again. Tomorrow I’m going to take it to AMI electronics to see if Doctor Moz can fix it. 

            I had a potato with gravy and two chicken drumsticks while watching the sixth season finale of The Carol Burnett Show. It’s a family show, meaning it only features the regular cast with no special guests. 

            They begin with a song and dance about how much they love their family tree. During the audience warmup someone asks Carol what was her favourite movie of the year. She says she liked all of the movies that were nominated but was disappointed that The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds starring Joanne Woodward and directed by Paul Newman was not nominated, and says it’s one of the best films she’s ever seen. 

            She brings Vicki Lawrence out and tells everybody about her record, “The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia” that was written by Vicki’s husband Bobby Russell. She then surprises Vicki by announcing that it sold a million copies and then presents her with a gold record. 

            A young woman named Cindy says she’s a fan of Lyle Waggoner. Lyle comes out and asks if she wants a kiss and then says that since he doesn’t know her he wants to do this right. He brings a small table, two chairs, two glasses and a bottle of wine onto the stage and then escorts Cindy up to sit down. They have a drink and then he kisses her.

            In the first skit a little girl brings two dolls into her bedroom and lays them down onto a toy bed. She says goodnight to Barbrie and Ben and then leaves the room. After the girl leaves, Barbrie and Ben, played by Carol and Harvey, come to life. She accuses him of peeking when the girl changes her outfits. Then they hear her coming back and so they return to the bed. She puts another doll in bed beside them and leaves. He introduces himself as G.I. Jack, Barbrie likes him and Ben is jealous. The girl returns with another doll she puts beside them, played by Vicki. They ask her name and they all jump away from the bed when she tells them “Betsy Wetsy”. 

            The Ernie Flatt Dancers, dressed as very colourful exaggerations of hillbillies and split into two distinctly coloured groups do a mock dance-fight to the tune of the 1954 composition “Duelling Banjos” by Arthur “Guitar Boogie” Smith and made famous by the soundtrack of the 1972 film Deliverance. 

            Vicki and Lyle play jewel thieves who have just robbed a jewellery store and the area is flooded with cops. They decide to hide in a movie theatre that is playing a film called The Danish Wife. The film however is one of those sexually explicit European movies that tend to embarrass prudish Anglo North Americans like Vickie’s character. She says she may be a thief but she does it with her clothes on. She is ready to call the police to get the theatre busted when the police enter the theatre looking for the jewel thieves. But when the cops see the scenes on the screen they are transfixed and sit down. Vickie and Lyle leave and he even gets one of the cops to pass him the satchel full of diamonds that he left by his seat. 

            Dr. Jones and Dr. Kointz, orthopaedic specialists in bones and joints have opened up a new office together. They celebrate with a drink and sing the 19th Century song “Dem Bones” by James Wheldon Johnson and James Rosamund Johnson. Then they sing specifically in praise of the elbow.

            There is a parody of the movie “Ransom Harvest” called “Rancid Harvest”. In an English hospital in 1918 there is an amnesia patient played by Harvey. The star of the local music hall, Gwendoline and her magic squeezebox comes to entertain the patients. She is however so involved in her routine at the expense of the patients that she furthers their injuries and so they all escape except for the amnesia patient. She decides to call him Peter and invites him to her cottage in the country. She falls for him and then discovers from his picture in the paper that he is the missing Sir Charles, the richest lord in London. She conceals this fact from him to keep him to herself. She tells him that he asked her to marry him and she accepts. He says he’s going to go find a justice of the peace but she says he shouldn’t go out because all amnesia victims get hit by taxi cabs. He says that only happens in bad movies but then he goes out and gets hit by a cab. He is returned to his estate where he eventually recovers and returns to his vicious and rotten personality. Gwendoline gets herself hired as his secretary but he doesn’t remember her. As she insists they are lovers he calls for help but gets hit by the door when his fiancé opens it and remembers himself as the gentle Peter again. But when his fiancé realizes what has occurred she hits him over the head again, changing him back. But then both Charles and Gwendoline get hit by the door and Peter returns but Gwendoline is gone. He tells her she has amnesia and she says, “My name is Amnesia? I’m a Greek girl!” He tells her to step outside so she can get hit by a cab and they live happily ever after. 

            As always in the season finale, the show ends with the Charwoman sweeping up on the Carol Burnett set. Trick cinematography puts several of her characters together: Zelda, Chiquita, Nora, and Alice Portnoy and they all sing together about being together. Then Carol sings the long version of her theme song, kisses the head of the same one bald guy asleep in his seat and leaves the theatre. 

            One of the writers for this episode was Jay Tarses. He went on to create the TV series The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd; and The Slap Maxwell Story. He co-created the sitcoms Open All Night, The Tony Randall Show, and Buffalo Bill. He was an executive producer of The Bob Newhart Show. He co-created, co-wrote, and co-starred in the British sitcom Revolting People. He co-starred in the sitcom The Duck Factory. He co-wrote The Great Muppet Caper and The Muppets Take Manhattan.

May 15, 1996: I tried to get a lawyer but 1996 was the worst year for legal aid

Thirty years ago today 

            On Wednesday I tried to get legal aid to help fight my eviction but the Mike Harris Conservative government had taken a severe bite out of Legal Aid spending. He cut $153 million from the program, making 1996 the most restrictive year in Ontario Legal Aid history. I filed a dispute and got a court date for June 27 but I couldn’t get a lawyer to represent me.

Tom Patchett

            On Wednesday morning I memorized the fourth verse of L'anguille (The Eel) by Boris Vian. 

            I finished memorizing “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg and I translated most of the first verse. Tomorrow I’ll work on finishing the translation. 

            I weighed 87.85 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since April 15. 

            I played my Kramer electric for the last of two sessions and it stayed in tune. 

            I called AMI electronics to ask Oscar Moz if he could repair my stereo receiver in one day. He said he can do rush orders. I’ll take my Yamaha there on Friday. 

            I went downtown to buy candy to send to my daughter. The Bulk Mine at 655 Yonge has changed its name to Sweet Britannia. They’ve covered up the Union Jack design at the front with a pink sign but it’s all the same stuff inside. I got mostly sour stuff because that’s what I know Astrid likes but also some Eccles cakes and a few other things. I went to Ricardo’s at Eaton Centre and got a few things but mostly three cans of unusually flavoured Dr. Pepper. Astrid has been famous since high school for her love of Dr. Pepper. 

            I weighed 88.9 kilos at 15:45. That’s the same as the early afternoon of May 2. 

            I weighed 89.4 kilos at 18:15. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, two sliced souvlakis and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 6, episode 16 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup Carol says that after she did a parody of Charo, Charo’s husband Xavier Cugat sent her a painting he did and on the back there was a note from Charo expressing her admiration for her. 

            In the first skit they demonstrate how they censor themselves while writing their skits so as not to offend anyone. They remove the name Applebaum because it’s too Jewish; they remove the name Jones because the actor’s not black; they remove Vitelli because the prop man has a friend named Vitelli who’s in the hospital; so they have to remove the husband being deported to Sicily and change it to Topeka; Carol says a husband deported to Topeka sounds silly so they say make it your sister; but then they don’t want to offend any nuns; they change it to brother but that might offend monks; so they make it a dog but the boom man is a dog lover and doesn’t want to hear about dogs being deported. In the end all that’s left of the skit is “Good morning Miss Smith” and “Goodnight Mrs. Johnson”. 

            Ruth Buzzi sings about wanting to become the person she fantasizes that she really is. That person is kind of a parody of a combination of Janis Joplin and Tina Turner. 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch Carol thinks Roger is seeing another woman. She tells Chrissie about it and then goes to the bedroom to cry. Roger comes home upset because he just got into a car accident with a woman. Carol comes out to talk with him but he says he has things on his mind. She asks if it’s another woman and he says yes. She asks how it happened and he says it wasn’t his fault. She says she knows. He says “She hit me like a ton of bricks”. She asks, “Is she pretty?” and he says “I suppose so”. “Is she married?” “Yeah” “Does her husband know about it?” “I hope so” “What are you gonna do?” “The problem is do I get an attorney or settle out of court?” He goes to the bedroom to think things out before she gets here. “She’s coming here?” “Of course. We have to settle this whole affair once and for all”. The woman comes to the door and says she’d like to talk to Carol’s husband about their little accident, then she takes off her coat. Carol sees she’s pregnant and faints. 

            Carol plays a bride who will be doing the wedding march in a matter of minutes. Her father (played by Jack Gilford) comes in very nervous. He sings “I’m Calm” by Stephen Sondheim from the 1962 musical A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. He then sings “More I Cannot Wish You” by Frank Loesser from the 1950 musical Guys and Dolls. 

            In the George and Zelda sketch, George is watching a pirate movie. Zelda comes out to nag him before telling him he’ll be sleeping on the couch. He fantasizes about being a pirate captain but Zelda invades his fantasy. His men mutiny and say they’ll chain him and Zelda together, so George jumps overboard. All the other men jump in the ocean to avoid being with Zelda as well. 

            Carol sings “Love’s the Only Game in Town” by John Williams, Alan Bergman, and Marilyn Bergman from the 1972 movie Pete ‘n’ Tillie that Carol co-starred in with Walter Matthau. 

            The final skit tells the story of Snow White and the prince, fifteen years later. Snow White is a disgruntled housewife in a castle. Under her costume we see exaggeratedly sagging breasts. She looks in the magic mirror and asks how she looks. He says she’s now the 906th fairest in the land. The prince has no interest in her anymore. Snow White wishes her life could be different and then her fairy godmother appears. She’s very elderly but Snow recognizes her even though there was no fairy godmother in the Snow White story. The fairy grants her the wish of being happy ever after. There’s a knock on the door and it’s Bashful, one of the seven dwarves. She recognizes him after he grabs her and kisses her. He still thinks she’s the fairest of them all. The witch arrives with an apple and this time the prince eats it. He collapses and goes into the coma but first says how disgusted he would be if Snow White were to kiss him. Snow White goes with Bashful to live with the seven dwarves again and live happily ever after. 

            One of the writers of the Carol Burnett Show was Tom Patchett. He also wrote for The Bob Newhart Show, Buffalo Bill, and Alf (which he co-created). He wrote the screenplays for The Muppets Take Manhattan and The Great Muppet Caper. He founded the contemporary art gallery Track 16 in 1994.