June 3, 1996: I posed for final projects at OCA

Thirty years ago today

            On Monday I probably posed for final assignments at the Ontario College of Art so there was very little instruction and classes often ended early.

Ernie Anderson

            On Monday morning I revised my translation of the fifth verse of “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian. 

            I worked out the chords for the first two verses of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. All the verses seem to have the same chords and there is no chorus so there’s a good chance the song will be done tomorrow. 

            I weighed 90.3 kilos before breakfast. 

            During song practice I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio and it stayed in tune almost half the time. About halfway through I had another toilet emergency. After a large bowel movement the toilet was plugged and the shitty water was rising. I had to grab a salad bowl to scoop up some of the water and pour it into the bathroom sink but that plugged the sink with shit and after it was full I had to pour the water in the tub. I managed to plunge the toilet clear without wearing a hole in my hand like I did a few weeks ago. Once the toilet was clear I had to plunge the sink and transfer the shit back to the toilet. I poured bleach down the sink and also cleaned the salad bowl with bleach. When I returned to song practice I had to shorten some of the songs so I wouldn’t be too far behind. 

            I weighed 91.25 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 90.45 kilos at 18:00. 

            I was still behind in my journal and worked on getting caught up. I was about half a day behind at suppertime. 

            I grilled a strip loin steak and had it with a potato and gravy while watching season 8, episode 5 of The Carol Burnett Show. Lyle Waggoner has left the show and Ernie Anderson is the new announcer.

            During the audience warmup, someone asks Carol if her measurements are the same as Cher’s since Bob Mackie makes costumes for both Carol’s show and Sonny and Cher’s. Carol says her measurements are the same as Sonny’s. 

            The Smothers Brothers perform the traditional “The Nightingale’s Song”. Dick starts singing while playing the upright bass as Tommy plays guitar. But suddenly Dick stops to tell Tommy that he didn’t come in and that it’s supposed to be a duet. Tommy says he doesn’t know the words. Dick says he doesn’t have to know the words. Dick tells the audience this is a madrigal and madrigals have been around for 600 years. Dick asks why they’ve been singing madrigals for 600 years. Tommy answers “Political pressure”. Dick says Madrigals began in the 14th Century in Italy. From the 14th to the 17th Century most Europeans were illiterate. He looks at Tommy and says, “They couldn’t read either”. That’s why they started singing “falalala” in place of the lyrics they couldn’t read. Tommy says, “That’s like in that Christmas song called ‘Falalala’. Dick says that’s called “Deck the Halls”. Tommy says, “I’m of a different faith”. Dick says he wants Tommy to sing “Falala” so they start the song again. But Tommy starts singing “Falala” in place of a verse. Dick stops him and says he’s doing the wrong “falalas”. It’s supposed to be a more delicate song but Tommy did it profundo like a marching song. Tommy points out that he should have specified what kind of “falala” he wanted and Dick admits that he was at fault. Tommy says he’ll do counterpoint “falalas” and they begin again. It’s sounds good that way and then Tommy ends it with some made up lines, “When there’s two in the bush there’s a bird up your tree”. 

            Tommy plays Jack, who is in the hospital being assured by his doctor that the surgery he’ll be having tomorrow morning is a simple procedure and he’ll be on his feet in no time. The doctor tells Jack his sister and some others are waiting to see him. Jack looks worried and tells the doctor to tell them he died but the doctor lets her in. This turns out to be Carol as Eunice. She tells him he looks awful but who wouldn’t when they’re about to go under the knife. Jack says it’s just minor surgery but she says no surgery is minor once they cut into you. She says she never would have forgiven herself if she didn’t come in to see him just in case. Eunice says her husband Ed (Harvey) is in the hall and explains that he gets nauseous in hospitals. She shouts for Ed to come in. He looks like he’s about to throw up but recovers. I guess Jack is a salesman because Ed tells him to not stay in here too long because he’ll lose all his customers and his business will be shot to hell. Jack says the doctor says he’ll be dancing on a cloud in no time. Ed says his partner at the hardware store had a cousin who didn’t recover the full use of his limbs after his surgery. Eunice and Ed take some time to ignore Jack and argue about Ed’s partner. Eunice asks Jack his opinion but Jack says it’s not his field. She says, “You never would back me up!” Momma (Vicki) comes in and tries to surprise Jack but he knew she was coming and now she’s mad. She throws his gift down on his stomach, which is where he’ll be getting his surgery. It’s one of puzzles where you roll a bead through a maze. He says he doesn’t feel like concentrating right now so she grabs it from his hands and shouts, “Well then just put it aside” and then she throws it on the floor. Then Eunice and Mama fight and Mama argues she might be worse off than Jack but assures him she’ll stay alive till he gets better. Jack says, “Don’t do anything special for me mama”. Eunice tells Jack that some people think his doctor is a quack. Jack asks, “Who says that?” She says, “I heard he’s a butcher”. Mama tells her she has a talent for saying the wrong thing and Eunice throws candy all over Jack. Eunice says Ida Hawkins checked into this very room to get his tonsils out but Doctor Cooper cut out his tongue. Mama says, “Let’s not argue while Jack is practically at death’s door!” Mama asks Jack before they leave if he’s got all his papers in order. Jack asks, “What papers?” Mama says, “Have you made out your will?” Jack reminds her that it’s a minor operation. Ed argues “You never know! The anaesthetic alone has killed lots of people!” Jack says he already left everything to his wife and kids. Mama says, “Not everything I hope!” “Yeah, everything”. Mama says, “There are a few things of mine I’d like to get outta that house of yours!” Eunice says grandma always wanted her to have that set of silver that he got. Mama shouts at Eunice for being a vulture. Eunice says that before Jack is cold in his grave his wife Janey is going to run off with that plumber she’s been carrying on with for years and her silver will be gone forever. They leave and Jack calls his wife to ask about the plumber. 

            Telly Savalas talks and sings while smoking a cigarette his 1974 single “Rubber Bands and Bits of String” by Gloria Sklerov and Harry Lloyd. 

            Telly plays Reynolds and Harvey plays Marsh. They are two business owners who meet in a restaurant. Harvey is excited because they are merging their companies but Reynolds says he’s calling off the merger. This skit is similar to a previous episode in which a business relationship between men is treated very similarly to a romantic relationship. Marsh asks how he expects him to face people. Reynolds says to tell them it was his idea. He says, “We’re not right for each other!” “But it seemed so right!” Marsh asks, “You’re merging with Simpkins aren’t you?” “How did you know?” “I saw his annual report on your desk!” Reynolds says, “I’ve always respected your company. We can still do business can’t we?” “What kind of a company do you think I run? If I’d known it was gonna turn out this way I’d have never let you into my corporate bonds!” “You wanted that as much as I did!” (Harvey and Telly start laughing). “But I gave you something I never gave anyone else. My debentures”. Marsh says, “I made lots of cheap tawdry deals with other companies, even J and R”. “Not J and R!” “I let him handle my stock options!” They say “goodbye”, Marsh lingers and they crack up again. Marsh leaves and Reynolds goes to the bar to meet Simpkins and tells him he’s free. Simpkins tells him the merger is off. 

            There are a bunch of commercial parodies. 

            In a supermarket Harvey is manning a sampling kiosk and grabs Carol as she walks by to sample Bolgers coffee. He asks her if she’d say it tastes as good as it looks. She says it’s good. He insists she says it tastes as good as it looks. She says it’s delicious but he wants her to say that line and has to shake it out of her until she screams it then runs away. He smiles for the camera and says, “That was another unsolicited testimonial”. 

            There’s a parody of a Pepsi commercial showing several thin people as the song goes, “Diet Pepsi has one calorie”. But then they show Vicki in a fat suit with about a hundred empty bottles of diet Pepsi. 

            Tommy says he’s the man from Pepto Dismal and asks if we mind he talks about diarrhea. Several people shout out that they mind. Tommy asks, “Well then can I speak to you about snow tires?”

            The final sketch is set in the Casbah where the infamous jewel thief Poopi La Mocco (played by Telly) is safe from the police. Poopi is with Vicki but he says there are no women in the Casbah. She asks, “Am I not a woman?” He says, “Here you are a woman, but in Paris you are not even a file cabinet!” Inspector Ptomain arrives (played by Harvey with his Peter Lorre accent). Carol walks in as an elegant jewel bedecked woman and sits at a table. Poopi tells her she’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. She says, “I know”. He asks what she’s doing in the Casbah. She says she’s on a world tour and has seen 17 countries in in 14 days. Tomorrow she’ll see Philadelphia twice. The bus for Philly arrives and she asks him to come with her. he says if he leaves he will be killed. She asks if he must always think of himself. They dance out together and Poopi is shot. Carol is a cop who lured Poopi to his doom. As Poopi dies he says he’ll come back in another life as a detective who likes lollipops. 

            The new announcer for The Carol Burnett Show was Ernie Anderson, who started his career as a radio announcer in Burlington, Vermont in 1946. He was fired for making fun of one of the sponsors. He then worked at a radio station in Providence, Rhode Island and was the number one DJ, but was fired for riding his motorcycle in the hallway. He moved to a Cleveland station where he met Tim Conway and they became writing partners. They created Ernie’s Place for a Cleveland TV station. There Ernie created the beatnik character Ghoulardi who hosted the Friday night horror movie show Shock Theatre. His catch phrases were “Stay sick” and “Turn blue”. His character was very popular and he would mock the quality of the movies he was showing. He also created a parody of Peyton Place called Parma Place that was a hit with fans. Ghoulardi began hosting Masterpiece Theatre, and a children’s show. He organized sports events that attracted thousands of fans. This led to him being a castmember of The Steve Allen Show. he moved to LA and in the 70s was hired as the voice of ABC. In 1974 he became the regular announcer for The Carol Burnett Show and also started appearing in skits. He did the voiceover for the previews of the first three seasons of Star Trek the Next Generation. He was the father of famed film director Paul Thomas Anderson who says his father was a bad actor even in home movies.

June 2, 1996: My daughter horded the french fries

Thirty years ago today

             On Sunday my daughter and I went to the playground and then I took her to rendezvous with her mother on the subway. On the way I bought some fries for us and Astrid walked a distance away from me with them because she didn’t want to share.

Francine Beers

            On Sunday morning I revised my translation of the verses 3 and 4 of “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian. 

            I finished translating “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. I looked for the chords but no one has posted them so I worked them out for the intro and the first two lines. 

            I played my Martin during song practice and it went out of tune for every song. 

            Around midday I painted “blue bliss” on the area around one of the four floral reliefs on my future bathroom mirror frame. I had expected to get all four done but the care I needed to take to keep from getting blue on the flowers was time consuming. It looks like it will take three more sessions just to complete the first coat of blue. 

            I weighed 91.05 kilos before lunch. I had a toasted Montreal style bagel with peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar, plus a glass of lemonade. 

            In the afternoon I headed out for a bike ride downtown and someone had left a pool of pink vomit directly in front of the door to my building. I had to step over it very carefully while maneuvering my bike around it. I rode downtown and back. 

            I weighed 90.3 kilos at 17:45. 

            I was behind in my journal and worked on getting caught up. I was still behind at suppertime. 

            I made pizza on naan with marinara, black olive paste, tomato pesto, a chopped New Zealand grass fed beef burger, and four-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore while watching season 7, episode 24 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup Carol buys Girl Scout cookies on stage like she does every year.

            Harvey and Carol play an escaped con and his girlfriend robbing a diner. They see the cops pulling up outside and so they knock out the cook and the waiter then take their places. Harvey does the cooking and Carol serves the counter and the tables. Harvey turns out to be a whiz at cooking as it takes him seconds to prepare the meals. Hours pass and the place is packed, plus the cops for some reason are still there. Harvey is finding the work fulfilling but Carol isn’t and she wants to get away with or without him. As they stand there arguing in the kitchen the cops come in saying they knew who they were all along. But suddenly they buckle over from food poisoning as does everybody else in the joint. So they rob everybody and leave. 

            John Byner does a stand-up act. He says the Ed Sullivan Show is very different from The Carol Burnett Show. Ed’s show has a lot of animals, and Europeans throwing each other around. He imitates the elephant and getting splashed by it. He mentions The Exorcist being the movie of the century and says what people like these days are scary movies or sad movies. He says his mother took him to sad movies when he was a kid to see if he was okay. If he cried during Bambi then she knew he was healthy. He says men are embarrassed to cry in the US because they don’t think it’s masculine. In Europe men cry if they miss the bus. It’s because US heroes don’t cry. You ever see John Wayne cry? He does an impression of John Wayne if he cried in a movie, “You mean we gotta circle the wagons again?” He says men sneak cry at the movies and he imitates them holding back. 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch it’s just Carol and Roger this time and it’s their anniversary. She’s setting the table for their special night and he brings home flowers. They are about to start dinner when the doorbell rings. He opens the door and a stranger walks right in saying she’s Mrs. Raskin from down the hall and she’s got a problem. She lost the key to her apartment, her husband isn’t home yet. Roger tries to call the building manager but he’s out and he only gets the switchboard. Raskin says she guesses she’ll wait in the hall for who knows how long? Roger wants to get her out so he’s willing to let her wait in the hall. On her way out the door she hands Roger her doctor’s number in case she passes out. They try to return to their anniversary dinner but Carol says they can’t leave Mrs. Raskin out there. So Roger gives in, opens the door, and Raskin immediately walks in. She sits in the living room watching them until they invite her to join them. Carol says she has to get the steaks but Mrs. Raskin insists on serving them. They are eating and Raskin says the steaks look a little rare. She tries to grab Roger’s steak to put it back under the broiler. Roger says, “We like them that way!” Raskin says, My Uncle Marvin, may his soul rest in peace used to eat meat rare”. Carol asks what happened. Raskin says, “On the way home from the butcher he was hit by a truck”. The phone rings and Raskin answers it. The operator says her husband left a message that he won’t be home till midnight. That means it will be four hours. Carol and Roger exchange anniversary gifts. Carol’s is a gold bracelet but Raskin grabs it to look at it and says that it’s better than real gold. Carol gives Roger a wrapped gift and Raskin won’t let him tear the paper. He wants to open it himself but she insists. Finally Roger hands Raskin the key to their apartment and tells her to lock up when she leaves, then he takes Carol to a hotel where they can celebrate their anniversary alone. 

            Vicki Lawrence sings her follow up single to “The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia”: “Mama’s Gonna Make it All Better”. I assume it was written by her then husband Bobby Russell. It didn’t chart. 

            Harvey and John play rival scientists Stroll and Fromis. Fromis says he has a new invention that will make him jealous and a vertical crate is wheeled in. He says he’s built a woman robot but Stroll says he created a woman robot three years ago. Vicki plays the beautiful and lifelike robot Andrea. Now Fromis is reluctant to show his robot. Carol plays the awkward and clumsy robot Gark. She has what looks like a mop head for a wig and her torso is not woman shaped. Gark seems incapable of performing any functions but then the phone rings and she answers it, speaking, listening, and responding. Dr. Stroll is very impressed because he hasn’t been able to make Andrea speak. he must have her but Fromis refuses. Stroll orders Andrea to attack Gark but Gark insults her until she collapses.

            There is a parody of the annual Country Music Awards called the Annual Rural Music Awards. John plays the host Glen Twitty wearing a ridiculous pompadour wig. 

            To present to first award he brings out country stars Laura Tendrum (Carol) and Donna Cargo (Vicki). They are both tied for the top female performer of the year and obviously don’t like each other. One of the songs up for an award is “The Night My Tights Gave Out in Georgia”. 

            The winner of the best song is Big Joe Blackjack singing “Everything I Like is a Legal or Moral Offense”. These include underage girls and unhealthy food. 

            Harvey plays Johnny Money a parody of Johnny Cash. He introduces Donna Cargo singing “S-P-L-I-T” (a trashy parody of “D-I-V-O-R-C-E” by Tammy Wynette). 

            Johnny Money sings “Fifteen Minutes to Go” a parody of Shel Silverstein’s “25 Minutes to Go”.

            Laura sings about being a simple country girl who likes picking on her ukulele. She stops singing to say that she will never be too big to share an award with her inferiors.

            Glen sings his song “Me and Little Susie”. He does an impression of a harmonica and sings about his girlfriend who was a pig until his ma made bacon out of her. The dancers do a square dance.

            Mrs. Raskin was played by Francine Beers, who started as child performer singing jingles on the radio. She made her off Broadway review in King of the Whole Damn World in 1962. She made her TV debut in The Nurses in 1965. She played Judge Janis Silver on Law and Order; Sybil Gooley on All in the Family; and Bea Finster on Kate and Alley. She made her film debut in Made for Each Other in 1971. She won the Helen Hayes Award in 1988 for her performance in the play Light Up the Sky.

June 1, 1996: A nice weekend with my daughter

Thirty years ago today

            On Saturday I picked up my daughter from her mother’s place and she spent the weekend with me. The weather was nice and warm the whole day so we spent a lot of time playing outside.

The Jackson 5

            On Saturday morning I revised my translation of the first two verses of “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian. 

            I translated all but the last three lines of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. I’ll finish that tomorrow and start working out the chords. 

            I weighed 89.25 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since last Saturday. 

            I played my Martin during song practice and as usual it went out of tune during every song.

            Around midday I rode to Freedom Mobile to pay for my June phone plan. Then I went to No Frills where the grapes were super cheap but too soft so I didn’t get any. If I run out I’ll just get some at Freshco and price match them with the No Frills price. I got a pack of raspberries, a pack of five-year-old cheddar, a pork loin that I wouldn’t have gotten if I’d remembered to check that it was from the US ( Why does Hog Town need to import pork anyway?), a loaf of multigrain sandwich bread, mouthwash, a jug of limeade, two small jugs of orange juice, and two containers of skyr. 

            I weighed 90.7 kilos at 14:30. That’s the easiest I’ve been on the scale in the early afternoon since May 22. I had a toasted Montreal style bagel with peanut butter and four-year-old cheddar and a glass of lemonade. 

            I took a siesta from 15:15 to 16:45. By the time I was ready to leave it was too late for a bike ride downtown so I just rode to Ossington and Bloor. 

            I weighed 90.45 kilos at 18:00. 

            I was behind on my journal and worked on getting caught up. I was still behind at suppertime. 

            I made pizza on naan with marinara, black olive paste, tomato pesto, a chopped New Zealand grass-fed beef burger, and four-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 7, episode 23 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone asks Carol if she’s gone streaking yet. She says, “No, I think there’s enough violence on television”. 

            Someone asks her favourite character. Two episodes ago she answered that it was Charo but now she says it’s the character she’s debuting tonight, based on her grandmother. 

            Someone asks her favourite colour and she says yellow. 

            She brings special guest Roddy McDowall out and his comes in the full facial makeup that he wore as Caesar in the Planet of the Apes films and TV series. Carol acts as if she’s surprised and disturbed while Roddy pretends everything is normal, even after she shows him in the monitor. She asks if there’s a movie that has influenced him and he says there is and he’d like to do a scene from it. She expects him to do something from Planet of the Apes but he recites come lines he delivered as Octavian in Cleopatra. She sings “Exactly Like You” by Jimmy McHugh and Dorothy Fields from the 1930 Broadway show Lew Leslie’s International Revue. He sings “She’s Funny That Way” by Neil Moret and Richard Whiting from the from the 1929 film Gems of MGM. They sing “They Didn’t Believe Me” by Jerome Kern and and Herbert Reynolds from the 1914 musical The Girl from Utah. He sings “Tea for Two” by Vincent Youmans and Irving Caesar from the 1924 musical Non No Nanette. She sings “Speak Low” by Kurt Weill and Ogden Nash from the 1943 musical One Touch of Venus. They sing “So in Love” by Cole Porter from the 1948 musical Kiss Me Kate. She says Roddy was such a good sport to prepare for that number since it takes him 3 and a half hours to get into his ape makeup. He shows a little film of how the makeup is applied. 

            We see the historical first sketch of Mama’s Family featuring Vicki as Mama, Carol as Eunice and Harvey as Ed. They are a southern US family and in this skit Roddy plays Eunice’s brother Phil who has been away for five years and is now world famous with a Nobel Prize and a Pulitzer Prize for his new book on India. Ed tries to tell Phil about his job at the hardware store but Eunice tells him they don’t want to hear it. Mama comes out and embraces Phil but almost immediately starts arguing with Eunice and forgets about Phil until Eunice’s doctor is part of the arguments and Mama says she wouldn’t take her dong to him. Suddenly Eunice is cheerful again and tells Phil he’s got to see Mama’s poodle Topaz. mama takes Phil on her lap to tell him about her dog. Phil is about to tell them about India when Eunice mentions what Topaz is doing in the bedroom and so everybody goes to look. Phil starts to invite Mama on a trip to Europe but she interrupts to complain about Eunice putting the lemonade on the antique coffee table. Phil has to leave for England soon because he has an interview with Princess Anne. Eunice tells him to call it off so he can see her house. Mama wants to know if Prince Charles is really in love with Grace Kelly’s daughter. But as soon as Phil starts talking Mama gets up and walks away. Ed asks if he’s going to keep up this book writing thing. Eunice suggests he could get a job with the local paper and then he wouldn’t have to go to India. Phil argues that there are so many interesting characters in India. Ed tells him they got a bald woman right here on our block if you want characters. Eunice says she’d like to write about her but Mama tells her she couldn’t write her way out of a paper bag because Phil’s the only one in the family with any talent. Mama goes into the bedroom and Eunice shouts bitterly at her until Mama comes out to say, “Wait till you see what that dog is doing and suddenly everybody’s back to being delighted by Topaz. Phil says it’s time for him to go and they all almost indifferently turn from the dog to acknowledge Phil before looking at the poodle again. Phil asks Mama if she’s like a copy of his book but Mama says she’s got so many books she doesn’t know where to put them. He says, “So long!” and they all say “Shhhh!” 

            Harvey and Lyle are carpenters who are supposed to be building a house but they are discussing how women are trying to do men’s jobs. Lyle says wouldn’t it be funny if their new helper was a broad? Then Carol shows up as their new helper but they don’t see her yet. Harvey says the first thing she’d want to put up is the curtains. Carol gets to work while Harvey prepares to nail a board but he puts the nails in his mouth and Lyle says it’s disgusting. Then Harvey breaks a fingernail. The men argue about this and that until Carol announces that she’s finished the job. She offers to buy them a beer but they are uncomfortable going to McGuinty’s with her until she takes off her overalls and is wearing a mini-dress. Then they are all for it. 

            The Jackson 5 perform the 1973 song “Dancing Machine” by Hal Davis, Don Fletcher, and Dean Parks. Michael Jackson still has his original nose. He performs “the robot” dance, which became extremely popular as a result. I still see a middle aged guy busking in front of Eaton Centre and his whole schtick is doing the robot. 

            Harvey, Carol, Vicki, and Lyle are all sitting on a bench at a bus stop when the phone in the booth behind them starts ringing. They discuss how strange it is to hear a phone booth ringing. Vicki says she heard about it happening once when a radio announcer randomly dialled a number that just happened to be a public phone. Somebody on the street picked it up, answered a simple question and won $2500. The phone rings again and they all rush for the booth, fighting to get to the phone. They agree to split the money if it’s a contest and Vickie answers the phone but the caller has already hung up. They discuss how absurd it is to have hoped it was a quiz show. The bus doesn’t seem to be coming so they start to go in their separate directions when the phone rings and they all rush for it. After a little struggle they agree they are still partners and Carol answers. It turns out to really be the Dial a Buck radio show and the question is, “How many letters are in the headline of the Daily Globe today. They all run for the garbage can where the paper was thrown and count the letters while a drunk comes by and stops at the phone booth to check the coin slot. He then hangs up the phone. They all start crying. 

            In a tea room in England Carol is sitting reading a book. Roddy comes and asks “Taken?” She says, “No”. Their entire conversation consists of single word sentences. “Intruding?” “No.” She almost knocks a pot over and says, “Clumsy”. He says “Untrue”. “True.” “Graceful.” “Please!” “Sorry.” “Forgiven.” “Married?” “Yes!” “Sorry.” “You?” “What?” “Married?” “Yes.” “Lovely.” “Mmmm.” “Children?” “Two.” “Three.” “Lovely.” “Please!” “Sorry.” “Hillary.” “Rex.” “Majestic!” “Inappropriate!” “Suitable.” “Happy?” “No!” “Why?” “Busy!” “Neglectful?” “Yes!” “Idiot!” “Don’t!” “Sorry!” “You?” “What?” “Happy?” “No.” “Wife?” “Frigid!” “Nooo!” “Affair!” “Affair?” “Yes!” “Us?” “Please!” “Impossible!” “Rubbish!” “Immoral!” “True.” “Going!” “Now?” “Must!” “Please!” “Must!” “Hillary, whatever you do, don’t look back!” “Chatterbox!” and she leaves. 

            At Glendale Music School The Jackson 5 and the dancers are students. It is announced that Sylvia Newton is the substitute teacher today. She says she’s going to show that learning to read music is fun. It can be very helpful in your life if you’re going to be a rock and roll star like Frankie Laine. Most of the Jackson 5 ask, “Who’s he?” Michael says, “I think he’s one of those old singers like David Cassidy. Sylvia says, “Just think of the notes as people and the lines of the staff as their home. Mr. A is sharp. Mrs. B is flat. She asks, “If Mr. A and Mrs. B get married what happens?” Someone says, “They give birth to the Blues!” Sylvia says “No! They give birth to baby C”. A sharp and a flat make a natural. She gets them to follow her in a song: “ABC”. Then she teaches about rests and beats. “Rest 2-3-4 Awake 2-3-4…” She gets the class to go “Rest clap, rest clap, rest clap” repeatedly while she sings the English children’s folk song “This Old Man”. Each member of The Jackson 5 sings a verse. Then Carol Sylvia joins in as they sing their 1970 hit “ABC” by the Corporation (Barry Gordy, Alphonso Mizell, Freddie Perren, and Deke Richards). 

             The Jackson 5 were Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, and Michael. They were managed by their father Joe Jackson. They formed their first group in 1963 with 5 year old Michael playing congas. They won their first talent show in 1966. They performed for a few years on the Chitlin Circuit until they signed with Steeltown Records in 1967. They signed with Motown in 1968 and were the first group to debut with four consecutive number 1 hits: “I Want You Back”, “ABC”, “The Love You Save”, and “I’ll Be There”. They left Motown in 1978 after learning they were earning only 2.8% of the royalties from their record sales, and had to change their name to The Jacksons because Barry Gordy owned the rights to The Jackson 5. Their last album with Michael was Victory in 1984 and it was their biggest selling album. The Jackson 5 made white people feel better about black families.

Dick Clair

            On Friday morning I finished memorizing “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian. I started working on revising my translation. 

            I also completed my memorization of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. I finished translating the second verse and tomorrow I’ll try to finish my translation. 

            I weighed 90.15 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since March 4. 

            I played my Kramer during song practice and it stayed in tune almost the whole time. 

            I opened the can of Blue Bliss and painted the screws that I’d used on Wednesday to mount the wire rack in the bathroom. I touched up a few areas on and around the rack. Since there was still time and I had the paint open I started painting the frame for what’s going to be my bathroom mirror. I didn’t get too close to the floral relief that occurs four times around the frame because I didn’t have time for careful work. On Sunday I’ll do that. The blue is going to need at least two coats. The roses in relief will be in the same pink shade called Crazy in Love that I used for the ceiling. 

            I weighed 90.8 kilos before lunch. That’s the least I’ve pushed the scale in the early afternoon since last Friday. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 89.9 kilos at 17:50. 

            I was still a day behind in my journal and worked on getting caught up but was still behind at suppertime. 

            I had a potato with gravy and two chicken drumsticks while watching season 7, episode 21 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup a set of 15 year old twins ask Carol if it’s true that she pretended to have a twin sister when she was a child. She says it’s true because she thought it would be fun to have a twin. The girls confirm that it is. 

            Someone asks which are her favourite characters. In the past she’s answered Zelda but this time she says Nora Desmond and Charo. 

            Carol plays a housewife about to do her ironing and she turns on the radio. She listens to a talk show on which a caller (played by Vicki) says she’s having an affair with the husband of her best friend, who lives next door. She says she’s disguising her voice in case her friend is listening but then starts talking in her real voice and Carol recognizes it. Vicki says she meets with her friend’s husband every day because he’s secretly quit his job as a dynamite salesman. She says he pretends to go to work every day but just comes over to her house to spend the day. He’s in the other room mixing martinis right now. Suddenly Carol’s husband (played by Lyle) comes in to get some olives. He says he was driving to work and had a sudden craving. Vicki says they’re going to drink the martinis, he’s going to play mood music and then they’re going to (censored on the radio). Lyle comes back home and starts to leave with a record player and some albums. Carol asks what he’s doing. He explains that the radio in his car is broken and he needs to listen to music on the way to work. Carol hears Vicki tell Lyle to get some candles, so Carol gets a candle in a candle holder ready for him when he returns but replaces the candle with a stick of dynamite. Soon there is an explosion next door and Carol tears up the shirt she was ironing while singing “I Did It My Way” by Paul Anka. 

            Eydie Gormet comes home to a lonely apartment while her own voice is singing in the background the 1928 song “How About Me?” by Irving Berlin. Then she sings the 1973 song “The Way We Were” by Alan Bergman, Marilyn Bergman, and Marvin Hamlisch. 

            There is a series of very short Laugh-In style skits beginning with Tim Conway singing “First the tide rushes in” just before a bunch of water falls on his head. 

            Lyle and Vickie are standing on a threshold as he sings “Goodnight Irene”. She says “I’m Helen!” and punches him in the gut. He punches her in the jaw. 

            Tim Conway sings “First the tide rushes in” again but this time holds an umbrella over his head. However the water is thrown from his left. 

            Harvey, in an extremely masculine voice and stance sings Bob Dylan’s lyric: “How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man”, then he does a very effeminate walk down the road. 

            Tim is now holding two umbrellas, one above and another on his left side but the water comes from his right side. 

            Eydie is on the couch when there is a knock. She asks who it is and a voice says “The boy next door”. She sings, “How can I ignore the boy next door?” and opens it. It’s Harvey in a beard and hat with flowers. He’s portraying a much shorter man while on his knees on a pair of shoes. In answer to her question she says, “Simple” just before he gives her an uppercut in the jaw. 

            Tim is now holding an umbrella above and on each side of him but the water comes from the front. 

            Carol is sitting on a bench when Harvey comes up with a gun to mug her and says, “Gimme all your dough!” She looks in her purse and finds it empty so she starts singing and dancing towards him, “I can’t give you anything but love baby”. He shouts for the police, then hands her $20 to leave him alone, but she punches him in the face. 

            Vicki answers the door and Tim is her date. She sings “Getting to know you” by Rodgers and Hammerstein from the 1951 musical The King and I. He proceeds to clumsily break things in her apartment while she continues to sing. She guides him back to the door then punches him in the jaw. He comes back and returns the favour. 

            Harvey sings, “I Talk to the Trees” by Alan J. Lerner and Frederick Loewe from the 1951 musical Paint Your Wagon. But two men in white coats come up to grab him and assure him he’s going to a place where he can talk to the trees all he wants. 

            Tim is wearing a rain hat and a full raincoat as he sings, “First the tide comes in” but he gets a cream pie in the face. 

            Harvey plays a German officer with an Allied prisoner (played by Lyle). Harvey says he’s going to bring in Wolfgang Schweinhund the most feared interrogator in the German army. Tim arrives as Wolfgang and they talk fake German to each other. He introduces himself to Lyle as “The most feared interrogator in all the world and part of Canada”. Since Lyle still won’t talk Wolfgang says he’s making the Fuhrer very angry as he pulls out a Hitler hand puppet. Hitler is holding a pencil in both hands and Wolfgang tells Lyle that Hitler is gonna hit him with that club. Lyle starts laughing. Hitler tries to make Lyle feel at home by singing “I’ve Been Working On the Railroad” and Lyle cracks up again. Wolfgang takes a wine bottle and tries to break it so he can cut Lyle’s face but everything he hits the bottle on breaks while the bottle remains intact. Finally Harvey takes it from him and hits him over the head, breaking the bottle. Wolfgang asks how many airplanes the Allies have in North Africa. Lyle says “A lot more than you have in Berlin”. Wolfgang and Harvey start laughing. They show Lyle a paper to prove how many planes they have in Berlin. Lyle says, “You don’t have enough men to man that many planes”. They laugh again and show them a paper documenting how many men they have. Lyle says, “What good are all those men with inferior weapons?” Wolfgang hands Lyle his Lugar to prove what good weapons they have and Lyle turns it on him and escapes with the information. 

            Carol is at a carnival and enters the tent of the fortune teller played by Vicki. Vicki goes into a trance and knows Carol’s name is Miss Wotacheck. She says she will meet a tall dark stranger. Suddenly Lyle comes in. Vicki says he’ll fall madly in love with you. He kisses Carol. Vicki says he’ll take her to the Mediterranean where they’ll live happily ever after. But suddenly Eydie comes in, calls him a two timing gigolo and shoots him. Eydie hands Carol the gun, tells her it will get her through enemy lines but advises her to save one bullet for herself. A detective comes in and arrests Carol for the murder of the Marquis de Rothman, the richest man alive. Then a man in dark glasses and a trenchcoat knocks out the cop. He pulls a gun on Carol and demands to know where’s the microfilm. They put her in a chair and call for Thor. A big torturer approaches. Then some rebel guerillas arrive and say that since she didn’t tell anyone the location of the microfilm she’s saved Tetsalovia. The president arrives to say she is their greatest citizen. She says she’s from Akron. Since she’s an Akronian she is sentenced to the firing squad. She is shot and the men leave. She drags herself to the fortune teller and pays her $2 before dying. 

            Two detectives played by Lyle and Vickie enter a dinner party and say “Nobody leave the room”. They reveal their conclusions based on all the clues, the main one being the six-fingered glove. Lyle demands to see Mr. Sedgwick’s hand. They struggle until Harvey informs him he’s not Sedgwick and this is the Mermelstein bar mitzva. 

            Harvey with a James Mason accent arrives at the home of the high Lama (played by Tim) in Shangri-La. He finds him asleep in his chair. Harvey says he’s looking for a high Lama. The Lama says he was high on Thursday. He says in Shangri-La one no longer needs to conform to the ridiculous dictates of society. Harvey asks if he can join and the Lama says yes but gives him a necktie to wear.

            Carol and Eydie sing the 1911 song “Alexander’s Ragtime Band” by Irving Berlin. Then the 1924 song “Doodle Doo Doo” by Art Kassel and Mel Stitzel. The dancers tap dance. They intermix it with “The Beat Goes On” by Sonny Bono. 

            One of the writers for the Carol Burnett Show was Dick Clair, who was part of a writing and comedy team with Jenna McMahon with whom he performed skits on Ed Sullivan and The Dean Martin Show. He also wrote episodes of Soap, The Mary Tyler Moore Show and The Bob Newhart Show. He co-created with Jenna the sitcoms It’s a Living, The Facts of Life, and Mama’s Family. He had AIDS and fought a long and well publicized legal battle with the state of California to win the right to have his body cryogenically frozen when he died.