Thirty years ago today
On Tuesday night as always I hosted my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage in the Art Bar of the Gladstone Hotel, at 1214 Queen Street West.
Thursday, 25 June 2026
Wednesday, 24 June 2026
Allen Ludden
I finished memorizing the “Que je t’aime (That I Love You)” parody by Serge Gainsbourg. Tomorrow I’ll translate the second and final verse then start working out the chords.
I weighed 90.15 kilos before breakfast.
I played my Martin during song practice for the last of four sessions and of course it went out of tune for every song.
I was still behind on my journal and worked on getting caught up.
I weighed 91.05 kilos before lunch.
In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back.
I weighed 90.7 kilos at 18:00.
I worked on my journal at was still behind at suppertime.
I had a potato with gravy and a thick slice of roast pork while watching season 9, episode 11 of The Carol Burnett Show.
During the audience warmup someone asks Carol if she’ll sign his copy of her book What I Want to Be When I Grow Up, so she has him come up. He’s wearing a USC jersey and she says she doesn’t know if she should sign it because she went to UCLA. He says he’s sorry.
Carol brings out Betty White, who won an Emmy for playing Sue Ann on The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Carol says that Betty is one of the nicest people she knows but her character Sue Ann is such a nasty person. Carol wants to know how she is able to be so nice and yet plays such a mean person. Betty says she remembers Rhoda and she remembers Phyllis and it’s easy to be mean knowing that she’s the only one in the cast who didn’t get a show of their own, then she storms off the stage.
Harvey plays a similar character he played a season or two ago except this time he’s not a German officer during WWII but an executive for a company that is a parody of Volkswagen. While carrying a riding crap he is addressing all the salesmen for the company. He says that the US economy cars are beating German cars in sales. He tells them their failure has forced him to take drastic steps and so he brings out the district manager played by Tim, which is the same character he played with Harvey’s character before when he was a Nazi torturer. Tim comes in and they give each other the Nazi salute. Tim then jumps on his knees onto the boardroom table then brings one leg back to the floor. For a moment he thinks he’s lost a leg and says now he won’t be able to dance at Oktoberfest, which cracks Harvey up. A sales chart is on the wall and Tim follows it until it descends behind a book shelf on which he bumps his head. Tim’s idea is to call the people selling US cars and find out their sales pitch to copy it. He puts on a disguise before making the phone call. When he hears that US economy cars get better mileage he wants one. Harvey wants a blue one. The US salesman wants to talk to Tim’s wife on the phone so Harvey puts on a blonde wig and makes his voice higher. They find out they’ll get a free trip to Hawaii so Harvey and Tim leave to get a US car.
Carol is carrying a suitcase as she enters a home’s garage. She gets into the car and starts singing the 1965 song “By the Time I Get to Phoenix” by Jimmy Webb. While singing she tries to start the car but the engine won’t turn over so she gets out to open the hood. She sets off the horn, which blares through about a minute of the song and so we only see Carol’s lips moving. The horn stops when she closes the hood then she gets on her kid’s tricycle to start to ride that but her suitcase flies open. Then her husband (played by Harvey) comes in yelling about all the noise and how he has to leave for work soon and she hasn’t even started breakfast. So she goes back in the house.
Carol and Tim play a couple celebrating their tenth anniversary in Mexico in the same room as their honeymoon. They go to bed but Carol says she felt something crawling on her. He turns on the light and says, “There it is” and Carol jumps out of bed screaming. Tim says he was joking. Then she sees it on the floor. Tim can’t see it there but then sees it on the dresser and so he puts a glass on top of it. They leave it there and go back to bed but then the glass breaks. They go looking for it again and Carol sees it on the back of his neck. He leaves the room and Carol won’t let him back in until the bug is gone. He assures her it is and she opens the door but now he has an iguana on his back.
The Ernie Flatt dancers do a medley of disco dances including The Roach, The Bump, The Snake, and The New York Hustle.
In the Mama’s Family sketch it’s Mama’s birthday and she’s celebrating at Eunice and Ed’s home. They’ve just had dinner and Ed lets it slip that her daughter Ellen is coming over when it was supposed to be a surprise. Mama is happy that Ellen is coming because it’s her biggest heartache that Eunice and Ellen have never gotten along. We’ve heard Ellen mentioned in several of these sketches but she has never appeared. Ellen arrives played by Betty, and Mama says until she heard she was coming she was thinking what a big bust this birthday was. Eunice offers Ellen some chicken and dumplings but Ellen says her stomach can’t tolerate greasy food. Ellen asks Ed how things are going in the linoleum business. He corrects her that he’s in hardware. She says that’s nothing to be ashamed of and one should be a bush if they can’t be a tree. Eunice brings out Mama’s birthday cake and Mama hopes it’s not too rich or she won’t be able to eat any on top of them greasy dumplings. Ellen says she won’t have any because all that refined sugar takes the vitamin E out of your system and a lot of it over the years makes a person half crazy. Mama recounts how the fights Eunice and Ellen had when they were kids went through her like a knife. Eunice admits to Ellen that she was jealous of her because she was prettier, smarter, could jump rope better, and had more boyfriends. Ellen says, “You probably just thought I was all those things and you probably weren’t all the things I thought you were either”. “All what things?” “That you were selfish, sullen, and disrespectful, when all the time you were probably just lonely and wanting to be liked without making it”. Eunice mentions how Ellen stole three of her dolls. Ellen says she just borrowed them. Ellen says, “So what if I’m prettier”. Mama mentions how good at reciting Ellen was and how she had The Raven memorized. Eunice admits she wasn’t nearly as good and Mama says, “You sure as hell weren’t! You were terrible!” Mama recounts the high school play when Eunice played a snowflake. “You tried your best but darlin you just stunk!” Ellen adds, “Everybody else was pretty bad but you took the cake!” Mama adds, “You were pitiful!” Eunice says, “At the time you said you loved what I did”. Mama says, “You were such a touchy thing, what did you expect me to say?” Mama opens Ellen’s present and it’s a mink stole. Mama says, “I’m so glad one of my girls married someone with some get up and go”. Mama opens Eunice’s gift and it’s just a fancy flyswatter. Mama says, “Now I can walk into a swanky party and swat all the flies while I’m at it!” Eunice says she just thought it would be a nice conversation piece to hang in her kitchen. Mama says she hopes if she has someone in her kitchen they’ll have something better to discuss than swatting flies. Ellen says she’d like to get one for her trashman. Mama says to just give him that one. Eunice is upset and Ellen asks her when she’s going to grow up. Eunice says she doesn’t need her walking into her home and telling her how to behave. Mama tells Eunice not to use that tone with Ellen. Eunice points out to Mama that her precious Ellen visits her for five minutes every five years and throws in an expensive gift to ease her guilty conscience. Ellen tells Eunice that all her life she has wondered why she has acted like such a jackass and she’s finally figured out that it’s because she is a jackass. Ellen starts to leave and Eunice says for her to take the flyswatter since she took all her dolls and the only man she ever loved. Suddenly Ed is stunned and asks who that was. Ellen says it was just some poor dope Eunice had a crush on who asked her out instead of Eunice. Eunice says it was Duke Reeves and accuses Ellen of leading him on when she didn’t even want him. Ellen says, “He sure as hell didn’t want you!” Eunice says, “You poisoned his mind against me and look what I wound up with!” Ed doesn’t know what to say. Eunice tells Ellen she’s cruel, mean and vicious. Ellen says, “Shut up! You are an eyesore and a humiliation to the entire family and I should have decked you when we was kids! If you want that ratty hair to stay in one piece you better just lay offa me!” Then Ellen leaves and shouts “Jackass!” Mama says, “Well, I hope you are satisfied…” But Eunice says, “If you value your life you won’t say one word to me! I have broken my back to make this a nice birthday for you old lady!”
Carol tells Betty she loves seeing her every year in the Pasadena Rose Bowl Parade. Betty says she’d love to have her join her but Carol says she doesn’t like marching bands or parades because they’ve always terrified her. Betty says she’ll cure her and orders a parade onstage. The dancers act like they’re in a parade. Carol and Betty sing the 1931 song “I Love a Parade” by Harold Arlen and Ted Koehler. The Locke High School Band performs along with a young dancer who does some funky moves. I assume he is part of the same school. Carol and Betty finish with the song that started things off.
In the audience was Betty White’s husband Allen Ludden, who earned a BA and an MA from the University of Texas where he majored in English and Dramatics. In 1948 he became a program director for WCBS radio in New York. His teen oriented radio show Mind Your Manners won a Peabody Award in 1950. In 1959 he became the program coordinator for all CBS radio stations. He was the host of Password for 2814 episodes between 1961 and 1975 (for which he won an Emmy). His opening catchphrase was “Hi doll!” and it was addressed to Betty’s mother Tess White. He met Betty on Password but their romance blossomed in 1962 when they were performing together in the summer stock play Critic’s Choice. He and Betty were married until he died in 1981. She never remarried and said, “Once you’ve had the best, who needs the rest?” He wrote four books of plain talk advice, and one youth oriented novel in 1959 called Roger Tomoas, Actor. In 1964 he released an album called Allen Ludden Sings His Favourite Songs.
June 24, 1996: I started swamping furniture for summer work
Thirty years ago today
On Monday it would have been the beginning of the last week of school for the Toronto District School Board. If I didn’t have any gigs posing at one of the secondary schools with advanced art programs I might have worked as a furniture swamper for Keith Anderson Moving and Storage in North York.
Tuesday, 23 June 2026
Ray Jessel
After yoga. I finished editing “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian in my Christian’s Translations blog and it is ready for publication as soon as I post a YouTube video at the top.
I memorized and translated the first verse of the “Que je t’aime (That I Love You)” parody by Serge Gainsbourg. That’s half the song and so there’s a good chance that I’ll have it finished on Monday.
I weighed 90.15 kilos before breakfast.
I played my Martin for the third of four sessions and it went out of tune for every song as usual.
Around midday I painted the outside half of two of the four floral reliefs on my future bathroom mirror frame. On Tuesday I’ll do the outside halves of the other two.
I weighed 91.35 kilos before lunch.
In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back.
I weighed 90.45 kilos at 17:45, which is the lightest I’ve been in the evening since June 6.
I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still behind at suppertime.
I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, french fries, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 9, episode 10 of The Carol Burnett Show.
During the audience warmup someone asks Carol about the play Once Upon a Mattress. She says it was the first theatre production she was in outside of college.
Someone asks Carol to relate a funny and interesting experience she shared with Lucille Ball. The cameraman says, “Desi Arnaz”.
Carol plays a housewife talking on the phone about how her kitchen has just been renovated but there are a few problems. She hangs up and the phone breaks off the wall. Her husband (played by Harvey) comes home from a very bad day at work and doesn’t want to hear any complaints, so she doesn’t mention the phone. Several things in the kitchen break or malfunction as he’s sitting there waiting for Carol to fix him a drink. The comedy lies in her attempting to conceal each little disaster that is happening very close to him. He bangs his fist on the kitchen table and a light fixture drops into Carol’s hands. She goes to get ice and the handle comes off the freezer door so she can’t open it. She tries to pry it with a hammer but the hammer handle snaps. It doesn’t open until Harvey bangs his fist on the table again. She tries to run water and the faucet comes off so that water is spraying all over the place. The kitchen counters fall from the wall and the door comes off the fridge. The ceiling collapses. Harvey is freaking out but says they’ll go to a restaurant. He goes out to get the car and it blows up. Carol makes a big batch of martinis in the light fixture.
Carol brings Maggie Smith out and asks her to teach her how to speak with an accent. Maggie says, “You already do speak with an accent. Oh! You mean you want to learn to speak correctly?” Carol wants to be able to imitate the Cockney accent. Her lesson becomes a singing duet. Maggie sings, “Take the A sound and make it an I sound. Take the O sound and make it an Ow. Then try a glottal stop: Wha-a lo-ah li--le bo--les” (What a lot of little bottles). She then says she has to drop her “H”s. Carol says she wants to star in My Fair Lady II if they make it. But Maggie says that’s a part she’d audition for too.
Harvey is very sick and has called for his doctor to make a house call but the doctor’s father, played by Tim Conway in his old man character shows up instead. He walks with a shuffle and has an inability to lift his feet and so he tends to bunch up carpets, making obstacles for himself. He goes to wash his hands and does so in the gold fish bowl. He says he got his doctor’s bag in Australia and it’s real koala, which cracks Harvey up. He goes to take Harvey’s pulse but his fob watch is missing and so he holds Harvey’s left hand while he brings Harvey’s right hand around him so he can look at his watch. But he ends up sliding up next to Harvey and falling asleep. Harvey asks if he’s sure he’s a doctor. Tim shows him his diploma and he’s a paediatrician. Tim puts on a monkey mask to get Harvey to take a pill. He goes to take Harvey’s temperature and tells him to roll over. A nurse took my temperature that way when I was a kid in the hospital. Harvey hears from the doorman that a Doctor Becker is on his way up and Harvey is relieved because he thinks it’s Tim’s son but it’s his father.
Maggie plays a school teacher on parent-teachers night. Eunice, Ed and Mama come in to discuss Eunice and Ed’s son Bubba. Maggie says that she’s sent several notes home with Bubba but his parents have never received them. She tells them that Bubba’s studies and behaviour have been going downhill since Grade 1. Unless something changes the school will have to expel him. Bubba has only handed in one assignment so far this year. It was supposed to be a 100 word composition on what he did last summer. All he wrote was “Not much” fifty times. When asked to report to the principal Bubba set off the fire alarm. Once he threw a stink bomb into the teachers lounge. Ed asks how he’s doing in athletics. She says the other students won’t play with him because he throws tantrums when he loses. Today at lunch he stole a girl’s chicken salad sandwich and force-fed her his bologna sandwich, nearly choking her. Eunice and Ed ask how she knows he did that. Maggie says it was reported by Bubba’s brother Billy Joe. Mama says she’d steal chicken salad too if all she got was bologna every day. The students were asked to draw pictures of their home life and Bubba drew mean looking parents menacing himself as a little black dot. Maggie says it indicates that he feels insignificant at home. Ed asks, “What the hell’s he doin in art class anyway? Next thing he’ll be doin is hair dressin!” Maggie says she’s trying to draw their attention to the fact that he drew himself as a dot. Ed says Bubba’s always been frail. Mama says, “That’s cause he don’t get enough to eat”. Maggie says she can’t overemphasize the importance of an open, loving home climate. Mama and Ed start looking at Eunice and she feels like she’s being blamed and so she storms out but comes back a minute later. She apologizes and says she takes things way too seriously sometimes. Mama tells her she does take things way to seriously. Eunice tells her, “That’s what I just said! Didn’t you hear me say that?” Eunice says she’s both mama and papa to those boys and the only discipline comes from her. Ed says he’s walloped them plenty of times but he can’t stay home all the time. “I’m easier on them than my papa was on me. I didn’t enjoy those wallopins but he made a man out of me!” Mama says, “I think he was a couple of wallopins short!” Maggie says, “None of you seem to realize that without responsible parental guidance your son is headed for big trouble!” Eunice starts crying and says, “I just wasn’t meant ta have boys! I just can’t handle boys!” She complains that both times when she was wheeled into the delivery room she prayed for a beautiful little girl that she could dress up in pretty dresses like she never had but both times she ended up with a big, fat, awful boy. “And my figures never been the same!” Mama says, “I warned you that if you married this big bozo you was gonna wind up givin birth to a bunch of freaks!” Eunice accuses Mama of always favouring her sister Ellen like when Ellen shot her with a squirt gun she just told Eunice to be a good sport. But when Eunice dropped a water balloon on Anne Marie Bitner, Mama threatened to send her to reform school. Mama reminds her that there’s a big difference between a squirt gun and a water bomb and Eunice almost gave Anne Marie a concussion. Maggie shouts for them all to sit down. She says when she first met Bubba she thought he was the most hateful bully she had ever met, but having met his parents she has only sympathy for him. A belligerent insensitive father, a selfish mother, and an uncaring bitter grandmother. “These are the people he has to come home to every day!” Mama says, “I don’t live with them!” Maggie says, “That’s one small mercy for Bubba”. She says they’re going to make a better life for Bubba, even if she has to come to their house every day and knock their heads together. She tells them to come back next week. They try to protest but she shouts for them to get out. After they leave Maggie says, “Og Bubba, we’ve got a lot of work to do!”
In the final musical and dance number everybody plays stage hands on the Carol Burnett set. Carol and Maggie sing the 1974 song “Showbiz” by Dennis Tracy. Harvey sings “Be a Clown” by Cole Porter from the 1948 film The Pirate. Vicki sings “Let Me Entertain You” by Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim from the 1959 musical Gypsy. There’s a dance segment and one dancer lies on her back on a table while Tim stands on the table on his knees holding a tablecloth so that when the dancer kicks her legs it looks like Tim is doing the can-can. Carol holds a hammer like a microphone and sings “There’s No Business Like Show Business” by Irving Berlin from the 1946 musical Annie Get Your Gun. Carol and Maggie finish alone with a return to “Showbiz”.
One of the writers for The Carol Burnett Show was Ray Jessel, who was born and raised in Wales. He received a degree in music from the University of Wales. He earned a one year scholarship to study music composition in Paris. He moved to Canada as a young man where he started his show business career as an orchestrator and composer for the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. he co-wrote songs for the Toronto revue Spring Thaw. He moved to New York and co-wrote the songs for the 1964 musical Baker Street. He wrote 34 episodes of The Love Boat, and 32 episodes of Head of the Class. He wrote and produced the TV series The Jacksons. He co-wrote the songs for the 1979 musical I Remember Mama. He wrote scripts and songs for the PBS show The Charlie Horse Music Pizza starring Shari Lewis. He started performing on stage at the age of 72 and developed a cabaret act. He auditioned for America’s Got Talent in 2014 at the age of 84. He won a chance to return again but didn’t appear.
June 23, 1996: I spent Sunday with my daughter
Thirty years ago today
On Sunday I spent the day with my daughter and Nancy picked her up in the evening.
Monday, 22 June 2026
Cole Porter
I weighed 89.7 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since June 9.
I played my Martin during song practice for the second of four sessions and as usual it went out of tune for every song.
Around midday I went over to Vina Pharmacy and asked for them to renew my Betaderm prescription. Then I went to No Frills where the cherries were $4.34 a kilo so I bought seven bags. I also got some bananas, a pack of five-year-old cheddar, a pack of two T-bone steaks, three bags of skim milk, some lemon dish detergent, a box of spoon sized shredded wheat, a jug of lemonade, a jug of orange juice, a small container of PC skyr (because that was all they had), two bags of Miss Vickie’s chips, and a pack of toilet paper.
I weighed 90.2 kilos at 14:30. I had peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar on saltines with a glass of lemonade.
In the afternoon I took a bike ride to Ossington and Bloor.
I weighed 90.6 kilos at 17:50.
I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still behind at suppertime.
I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, french fries, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 9, episode 8 of The Carol Burnett Show.
During the audience warmup someone says her father wants to know how Carol stays so slim. She says to tell her father to lay off the beer and pizza.
Someone asks for Carol’s ethnic background. She says she’s Irish, English, Dutch, some German, and part Cherokee. Everybody seems to think they are part Cherokee.
Harvey and Carol are in a restaurant and Harvey orders champagne because he wants it to be a special evening. He tries to tell her how he feels about her but she starts laughing. He thinks she’s laughing at him but she assures him she’s not. He starts to propose but she laughs even harder. She points out that there’s a man at another table with whipped cream on his nose and she keeps on laughing. Harvey can’t get her to listen to his feelings. Everybody else starts laughing as well. He’s about to call off the engagement until Carol gets whipped cream on her nose as well and Harvey begins to laugh but she doesn’t think it’s funny.
Carol brings out Roddy McDowall. She tells him his enunciation is impeccable. He says
it’s purely a matter of training. All English actors are weaned on Peter Piper’s practical principals of plain and perfect pronunciation. She says it’s not so simple for someone from San Antonio. He says it’s just a matter of a little re-education of the lips and tongue. He says to try saying “The seething sea ceaseth and thus the seething sea sufficeth us”. Then he says, “Theophilus Thistledown, the successful thistle sifter in sifting a sieve of un-sifted thistles thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now if Theophilus Thistledown, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve of un-sifted thistles thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb see that thou, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles, thrust not three thousand thistles through the thick of thy thumb.” He asks Carol to say “toy boat” over and over and it doesn’t take long to fumble it. She hears someone in the audience laugh loudly at this so she gets him to do it and also fail. They begin to sing a tongue twisting song. “Billy Button bought a buttered biscuit. Did Billy Button buy a buttered biscuit? If Billy Button bought a buttered biscuit, where's the buttered biscuit Billy Button bought?” Roddy says to try, “Captain Crackscom cracked his cousin’s cockscomb”. Carol does, “Betty Botta bought some butter; “But,” said she, “this butter’s bitter! If I put it in my batter It will make my batter bitter. But a bit o’ better butter Will but make my batter better. Then she bought a bit o’ butter better than the bitter butter, made her bitter batter better so ’twas better Betty Botta bought a bit o’ better butter.” Roddy does, “A flea and a fly in a flue were imprisoned, so what could they do? Said the fly, "let us flee!” “Let us fly!" said the flea so they flew through a flaw in the flue.” He adds that the following is piece de resistance: “Moses supposes his toeses are roses; but Moses supposes erroneously, for nobody's toeses are roses or posies, as Moses supposes his toeses to be.” Carol and Roddy turn it into a beat poem. Then they sing a finish about tongue twisters in general.
Vicki plays a waiter named Sally in a diner. Harvey and Tim enter boisterously and tell Sally her two boyfriends are back. She says, “Well if it ain’t Don Juan and Don half a Juan”. Harvey slaps her ass and she tells him to keep his paws to himself. They sit down and Tim says he’s getting divorced tomorrow and then the competition between him and Harvey is going to get stiff. Harvey says he’s been divorced for a whole year so he has a lot more experience. There are plenty of fish in the ocean for a man’s man like Harvey. He says he’s a loner and he likes it. He opens the menu and holds it up to his face to hide his crying but Tim sees him and says he’s acting like a sissy. Harvey says he can’t help it because he’s so lonely. Tim tells him to straighten up but then somebody plays Tim’s wife’s favourite song and he begins to break down in tears. Their food arrives but they are too upset to eat. They leave and Sally tells the other waiter she could fall for either one of those two but they just don’t take love seriously.
Roddy enters a factory, punches a clock, and puts on a blue coat. Carol, followed by Tim does the same. They stand on an assembly line, Roddy with a drill, Carol with a hammer, and Tim with a wrench. Identical rectangles of metal roll by, Roddy drills a hole, Carol hammers a nail partially into it, and Tim turns it with a wrench. As they work, Carol tells Roddy she wants a divorce because there’s somebody else. They have a coffee break and Roddy says, “If I ever find out who he is I’ll kill him!” Carol pours a cup of coffee and says she’ll never tell him. Then she turns and hands the coffee to Tim as she says, “Here sweetheart”. Back to work, Roddy goes crazy with his drill and starts drilling everything. Their boss (played by Harvey) comes in and tells Carol and Roddy to come to his office, leaving Tim at the belt, which has not stopped and he tries to do all three jobs by himself but can’t keep up. Carol and Roddy return and now they are back in love. Tim walks over to try to talk with them but gets caught on the belt and drilled and hammered by Roddy and Carol who are still busy making up and not paying attention.
Vicki is working in an office by herself and Tim is outside washing the window. Suddenly Tim’s scaffold rope slips and he’s hanging on precariously while shouting “Help!” She begins to sing the 1965 song “For Once in My Life” by Ron Miller and Orlando Murden that was a big hit for Stevie Wonder. Just as she’s finishing the song Tim has almost secured himself but he uses both hands to applaud and falls.
They do a parody of the film The Little Foxes. Roddy plays the wealthy Morris Gibbons who has a weak heart. Harvey plays Morris’s brother in law Bosco. Vicki plays Bosco’s wife Burly. Tim plays their son Theo. Carol plays Morris’s wife Regina. They are all waiting impatiently for Morris to die so they can have his money. They all hit Theo and when they don’t he hits himself. Morris has had a heart attack but he survived and as long as he takes his heart medicine he could be alive for a long time. Regina arranges for Morris to be brought home so she can speed his demise. The butler wheels Morris in and then hits Theo. Morris hits Theo weakly but he still tumbles up the stairs. Morris wonders why Regina didn’t visit him for the year he was in the hospital, which is just across the street. He says she could have at least waved. He tells her he’s going to cut her out of his will. She suddenly shouts “Surprise!” and he has another heart attack but gets his medicine in time. Bosco bursts through the door to see if Morris is dead yet but Regina says he’s not. Bosco exclaims, “Chitlins!” and it’s obviously an ad lib because Carol has to suppress a laugh. Regina screams in Morris’s ear and he has another heart attack. She pours his heart medicine into a house plant and it perks up. Morris collapses on the floor. She thinks he’s dead but he gets up again and tries to climb the stairs but tumbles back down. When she thinks it’s over he gets up again but falls once more. Bosco, Burly, and Theo come in. They get the key to his desk where keeps the will from Morris’s body. Regina opens it and everything has been left to Burly. But in the event of her demise it would go to Bosco. Burly asks, “What’s demise?” and Bosco shoots her. But if Bosco dies the estate would go to Theo. Theo reaches inside Bosco’s waistcoat and causes him to shoot himself. If Theo dies the money goes to Regina. Theo shoots himself. Regina opens the safe and a cannon pops out to kill her. Then Morris gets up, in perfect health.
They finish the show with a mini-musical featuring the songs of Cole Porter. But they do it in 18th Century costume with musical and vocal inflections from that era. It begins with a minuet to the tune of “Anything Goes” from the 1934 musical of the same name. Carol and Roddy sing “It’s De-Lovely” from the 1936 musical Red Hot and Blue while passing out hors d’oeuvres. But Roddy is kissing some of the women so Carol sings “Why Can’t You Behave?” from the 1948 musical Kiss Me Kate (for which Porter won two Tony Awards) . Harvey and Vicki arrive (perhaps they are King Louis and Marie Antoinette). Harvey sings “Love For Sale” from the 1930 musical The New Yorkers (the song was banned from many radio stations in its day) . Then he and Vicki sing “Let’s Do It Let’s Fall In Love” from the 1928 musical Paris. Carol responds to Harvey with “I Hate Men” from Kiss Me Kate. Harvey takes her in his arms and returns to “Love For Sale” and they walk away arm in arm. Vicki sings to Roddy “All of You” from the from the 1955 musical Silk Stockings. Roddy sings to her “Let’s Be Buddies” from Anything Goes. Vicki returns to “All of You” while bouncing on his lap. He sings “You Do Something to Me” from the 1929 musical Fifty Million Frenchmen. Carol stumbles back into the room without Harvey but with her clothing somewhat in disarray as she sings, “Just One of Those Things” from the 1935 musical Jubilee. Roddy joins in the same song, changing his affections from Vicki to Carol. Harvey comes in and grabs Carol from behind while Vicki does the same to Roddy. Carol and Roddy sing to each other, and Vicki and Harvey to each other, “Always True to You In My Fashion” from Kiss Me Kate. Everyone returns to “Anything Goes”. Carol and Roddy sing “From This Moment On” from Kiss Me Kate. Then everybody finishes with “Anything Goes”.
Cole Porter was raised on a 750 acre fruit ranch. He began studying piano when he was 8 at the Marion Conservatory. He started writing songs at the age of 10 and his first was “Song of the Birds”. He entered Yale in 1909 and joined the glee club, eventually becoming president. He brought an upright piano with him to school. He published his first song “Bridget McGuire” in 1910. He wrote over 300 songs at Yale alone. As a football cheerleader he wrote the football fight songs “Yale Bulldog Song” and “Bingo Eli Yale”, which are still sung there. He graduated with a BA. His first song to be sung on Broadway was “Esmerelda” for the 1915 revue Hands Up. His first Broadway production was the 1916 flop See America First. he moved to Paris during WWI and claimed to have joined the French Foreign Legion, which the Legion itself claims to be true. He is said to have entertained the troops with a portable piano that he carried on his back. All through the war he maintained a luxury apartment in Paris where he held decadent parties. He studied music composition in Paris. In 1919 he married the very wealthy Linda Lee Thomas who knew he was gay and they threw lavish parties in their home in Paris. His first big hit was “Old Fashioned Garden” from the 1919 revue Hitchy Koo. In 1923 he inherited millions from his grandfather and he and Linda moved to Venice into the former home of Elizabeth and Robert Browning. They once hired the entire Ballet Russes for a party. His ballet Within the Quota was one of the earliest symphonic jazz based compositions. They built an extravagant floating nightclub that could accommodate 100 guests for their spectacular balls. Paris in 1928 was his first hit Broadway musical. He wrote “Let’s Misbehave” for the show but it was dropped. His 1929 show Wake Up and Dream was a hit in London but less so in New York because of the stock market crash. His 1929 show Fifty Million Frenchmen was bombing until Irving Berlin saved it with a great review. Gay Divorce in 1932 featured the song “Night and Day” and was adapted into the film The Gay Divorcee. He considered his 1934 show Anything Goes (containing “I Get a Kick Out of You” and “You’re the Top”, along with his later one Kiss Me Kate to be his two perfect shows. Anything Goes featured Ethel Merman whose voice he loved. He wrote many songs with her voice in mind. In 1934 he wrote “Don’t Fence Me In” but it wasn’t a hit until it was sung by Roy Rogers in 1944. In 1937 he was injured in a horseback riding accident and confined to a wheelchair for five years, during which time wrote Broadway musicals. His 1938 show Leave It To Me featured “My Heart Belongs to Daddy”. In 1939 as WWII was beginning he and Linda closed down their Paris home and moved their things to the Berkshire Mountains in Massachusetts. He kept an apartment in the Waldorf Astoria Tower in New York from 1939 to 1964. His 1940 show Panama Hattie ran for 501 performances. His 1941 show Let’s Face It ran for 547 performances. In 1948 Kiss Me Kate ran for 1,077 performances. Linda died in 1954. In 1958 his right leg was amputated. He hated it when singers changed his lyrics such as Frank Sinatra doing “I Get a Kick Out of You” and adding “Ya give me a boot”. he wrote over 900 songs. His estate continues to earn more than $3 million a year, which is divided among various relatives.
June 22, 1996: My five year old daughter spent the weekend
Thirty years ago today
On Saturday my five year old daughter True began her usual weekend at my place. We went to the playground.
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