June 26, 1996: It was the last night of the Fat Albert's open stage before the summer break

Thirty years ago today

            Wednesday night was the last Fat Albert’s open stage before the summer break and so it was a bit of a party. I think the guys who had been running Fat Albert’s for the last several years were retiring and Mary Milne would be taking over as host in the fall, with someone else handling the sound. When I performed I said that I would miss them.

Catherine Zeta Jones

            On Wednesday morning I memorized the first verse of “La complainte de Bonnot”. 

            I worked out the chords for the first verse and two lines of the chorus of the “Que je t’aime” (That I Love You) parody” by Serge Gainsbourg. 

            I weighed 89.45 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the evening since June 5. 

            I played my Kramer during song practice and it stayed in tune most of the time.

            I left at 13:30 to ride my Raleigh downtown to the U of T School of Dentistry to get a CT scan. I thought it was going to take at least half an hour like last time. But previously the radiology student scanned all my teeth while this time it was just the area where I’d gotten the bone graft so it was over a lot quicker. An attractive doctor came in to check the student’s work, told me, “It looks good!” and I was out of there five minutes after the appointment started. 

            I weighed 90.05 kilos at 15:15. I had peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar on saltines with a glass of lemonade.

            I took a siesta and slept for an extra half an hour. 

            I weighed 90.45 kilos at 18:35. 

            I had intended to make bread pizza for supper but I wanted to have french fries on it and by the time I remembered it was too late. So instead I heated some frozen boneless chicken wings and some oven fries. I had them with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 1, episode 5 of Wednesday on Discord with my daughter Astrid. 

            Previously Wednesday had a vision that Eugene was in danger. He had gone into the woods without Wednesday and we saw him meet the monster. We don’t see exactly what happened but at the beginning of this episode we learn that Eugene is in a coma and Wednesday feels guilty. On top of that it’s Parents Weekend and she has to deal with her family visiting. The principal gets Morticia, Gomez, and Pugsley to attend one of Wednesday’s therapy sessions. Pugsley eats Dr. Kinbott’s potpourri. He says he misses being waterboarded by Wednesday. 

            The coroner has committed suicide and left a note. The sheriff finds to evidence to support his decades old suspicion that Gomez murdered Garrett Gates. We see two alternative flashbacks to the death of Gates. Garrett was obsessed with Morticia and tried to kill Gomez. He either accidentally thrust himself onto Gomez’s sword or a sword that Morticia was holding. The sheriff arrests Gomez. Wednesday digs up Garrett’s grave and discovers that he tried to kill everyone at Nevermore with deadly nightshade. He accidentally poisoned himself and was feeling the effects when he attacked Gomez. But Wednesday and Morticia get arrested for grave digging. Wednesday presents the evidence she discovered and Gomez is freed. 

            Wednesday confronts the principal because she has figured out that she is the shape shifter and that Rowan was killed by the monster the night he tried to kill Wednesday. 

            Morticia tells Wednesday that she will need help from the undead to help hone her powers. 

            We meet the parents of two of the main characters as well. 

            Enid’s mother is disappointed in Enid because she has not yet turned into a werewolf. 

            Bianca’s wants her to return home so they can use their Siren powers in criminal activities.

            Morticia is played by Catherine Zeta-Jones, who at the age of 10 co-starred in Annie in the West End. At 15 starred in the British revival of 42nd Street. She made her film debut in 1001 Nights in 1990. In 1991 she co-starred in the British sitcom The Darling Buds of May, which made her a star in Britain. She co-starred in Splitting Heirs, and Blue Juice. By the mid 90s she was becoming too much of a sex symbol in Britain and so she decided to start over by mobbing to Hollywood. She co-starred in The Phantom, The Mask of Zorro, Entrapment, The Terminal, Side Effects, Red 2, Dad’s Army, The Haunting, Traffic, America’s Sweethearts, Chicago (for which she won an Oscar), Sinbad, The Terminal, Ocean’s Twelve, Death Defying Acts, Intolerable Cruelty, Lay the Favourite, Rock of Ages, Playing for Keeps, The Legend of Zorro, The Gallerist, She starred in No Reservations, The Rebound, She starred in the TV series Queen America, National Treasure, She earned $20 million as a spokesperson for T-Mobile. She also became a spokesperson for Elizabeth Arden. She won a Tony Award in 2010 for her performance in A Little Night Music. She was appointed as a Commander of the Order of the British Empire by Queen Elizabeth in 2010. She married the 25 years older Michael Douglas in 2000. She has bipolar disorder. She says the key to a successful marriage is each spouse having their own bathroom.

Tony Terran

            On Tuesday I posted “The Eel”, my translation of “L'anguille” by Boris Vian on my Boris Vian Facebook page and my personal Facebook page. I looked for the next available Vian song to translate and searched for audio of his songs “Les donneurs”; “Reglèment de comptes”; “Chanson de Judith”; “Ah papa chéri”; “Chanson sur la solitude”; “L'enfance de bonnot”; “Epilogue”; and “Chanson du marchand d'oublies” but there’s nothing of those available online. The next song I’ll learn then is his “La complainte de Bonnot”. 

            I translated the last verse of the “Que je t’aime” (That I Love You) parody” by Serge Gainsbourg. I worked out the chords for the intro and about half of the first verse. 

            I weighed 89.65 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since June 9. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time. 

            Around midday, with the “crazy in love” pink hue I painted the outside half of the third floral relief on my future bathroom mirror frame and some of the fourth. I’ll try to get a little more done on Friday. 

            I weighed 91 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 90.2 kilos at 18:10. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still behind at suppertime.

            I had a potato with gravy and my last slice of roast pork while watching season 9, episode 12 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup an apparent regular, an elderly woman named Mrs. Miller complains she couldn’t get a front seat. A woman named Roxanne in the third row offers to switch with her. 

            Someone asks Carol if she thinks she’s making more money on TV than she could in the profession that her character had in the movie Front Page. She played a sex worker in Front Page but Carol doesn’t answer the question. 

            Someone asks Carol if she knows how to Hustle. She simple nods. 

            A boy asks to see Carol’s hip go out of joint so she invites him onstage to feel it. It turns out he’s Ruth Pointer’s son. 

            They parody several of the year’s TV commercials. 

            Carol plays a housewife standing over the dishes in the sink. Harvey walks in with a microphone and a container of Jay dish detergent. He asks how after 26 years as a housewife she’s managed to keep her hands so soft. She says she owes in all to Jay. He looks at the camera and says, “Yes Jay! The household detergent that’s milder than mild!” She says, “No, not that Jay”. Then she calls for Jay and he comes out (played by Tim) to do the dishes. 

            Vicki is working in her garden. She says, “Who would think I had a headache last night? Thanks to Bufferson, the pain reliever that works while you sleep, I feel terrific!” Harvey comes and takes her in his arms, suggesting they take a walk in the woods. She says, “Not now I have a headache!” 

            Carol is sitting at a table where there is a big stuffed turkey and several other prepared food items filling the table. She says “In order to get your daily requirement of vitamins you would have to eat all of the food on this table. Or you could take One A Way Vitamins. One A Way has all your daily requirements in just one pill”. She shows the pill and it’s almost as big as the table. 

            Tim is outside in the snow. He says, “You may find this hard to believe but I’m going to start six cars with dead batteries with just one Dear’s Sigh Hard battery (a play on Sears Die Hard batteries). He electrocutes himself. 

            Tim plays Hitler sitting in a restaurant in full uniform. He says he used to be a big deal in Europe but now not everybody recognizes him. That’s why he carries an American Depressed credit card. “It’s all the identification I need!” The waiter still asks for more ID. 

            Tim does the battery commercial again. This time the cars start up and take off with the battery.

            The Pointer Sisters sing the 1947 song “Save the Bones for Henry Jones” by Daniel Barker, Michael H. Goldsen, and Henry McCoy Jones. 

            At a political dinner Tim stands at the podium and introduces his running mate for office of Counselman of Alban County, John Dean Hartman (played by Harvey). John begins a speech but Tim starts loudly eating potato chips. John gets him to stop. Tim begins to crack nuts. He eats one and begins to choke. He eats some chocolate and gets it all over his face causing everyone to laugh. At first John thinks they are laughing at a joke he made. Tim gets a bloody Mary with a celery stock in it and begins to crunch the celery. John takes it away from him. Tim smokes a cigar and has a coughing fit. John finishes his speech and wants to swing the microphone over to Tim so he can speak but it knocks Tim out the window. 

            Carol as Harriet and Vicki as Felicia are in a fancy restaurant. Harriet is someone who nobody ever notices. She calls to the waiters but they ignore her while Felicia can get their attention with no effort. Even Felicia pays little mind to Harriet. They both order the shrimp cocktail but only Felicia gets hers and doesn’t remember Harriet ordering one. Even when she trips and falls across the bus boy’s cart he doesn’t notice her and piles dirty plates on her back. 

            They do a soulful version of Cinderella with Carol as the titular character. Vicki plays the jive talking stepmother and The Pointer Sisters play Cindy’s step sisters. The scene opens with Vicki and her daughters singing about how life is a super gig when you got soul. Vicki impressively holds her own as a singer while jamming with the Pointer Sisters. Cinderella stands apart from the others because she’s a square. They nag her to help them get ready for the big rock concert that night. They turn their demands and judgements of Cinderella into a funky song. They leave for the concert and Cinderella is alone. She sings a very non-funky song about wishing she was a foxy superchick. As a result of her wishing her fairy godmother appears (played by Harvey in his big, buxom Jewish mother character). Cindy says, “You’re my Fairy Godmother?” “You were expecting maybe Tinklebell?” She says, “What miracles I’ve wrought today! I got a doctor to make a house call and I saved New York City from bankrupture”. Cindy asks her to make her into a hip chick. The fairy sings about how anything can be anything that it’s not if you wish it. She puts her in an outfit like Cher might wear, but with long red hair. She warns her that she must leave the dance by 12:00. “Midnight?” The Fairy says no. Parties don’t even start until midnight. You must leave by noon. At the concert Elfin John (played by Tim) is introduced. He’s physically meant to look like Elton John but he speaks in a sort of southern US accent. Cinderella arrives and everyone is awestruck by her. Her stepsisters sing about her being a chick who knows what’s goin down. She lies that she has a new dance called The Schlump. Everybody wants to see it but Cindy says she needs her choreographer. So her Fairy Godmother appears and just tells her to follow her lead as she sings, “Foist ya shake your tuchus, do a little pump, do a little robot, make a little bump. Tuchus, pump, robot, bump. That’s the way ya do it when you’re doin the Schlump”. So everybody does it. As the clock strikes noon Cindy has to leave but gives Elvin her glittery silver platform shoe. The next day Vicki and the Pointer step sisters are soaking their feet as Cindy is serving them. Elvin is looking for the hot chick and trying the shoe on everyone. His last stop is their house. Of course the shoe fits Cindy but Elvin rejects her because she’s such a square. So her Fairy Godmother appears and turns Elvin into a square too. 

            The trumpet player for The Carol Burnett Shiow was Tony Terran, who started playing trumpet on the radio when he was still in high school. He started playing for the Desi Arnaz Orchestra in 1946. He was a member of the famous band of session musicians known as The Wrecking Crew. He performed and recorded with Sonny and Cher, The Mamas and Papas, The Monkees, Eric Burdon, Ricky Nelson, Glen Campbell, The Beach Boys, The Beatles, The Bee Gees, Ray Charles, Chicago, Nat King Cole, Perry Como, Bob Dylan, Ella Fitzgerald, Benny Goodman, Bob Hope, Michael Jackson, Eartha Kitt, Peggy Lee, Madonna, Dean Martin, Elvis Presley, Bonnie Raitt, Linda Tonstadt, Diana Ross, Frank Sinatra, Barbara Streisand, Herb Alpert, and Tom Waits. He played in the soundtracks for I Love Lucy, The Lucy Show, Here’s Lucy, The Brady Bunch, I Dream of Jeannie, Get Smart, Happy Days, Popeye, Star Trek, Mission Impossible, Cheers, LA Law, The Simpsons, Rocky I, II, II, Karate Kid I, II, III, The Natural, All the President’s Men, Broadcast News, Field of Dreams, Blazing Saddles, Grease, An Officer and a Gentleman, Ghostbusters, Close Encounters, and The Deep.

June 25, 1996: As always on Tuesdays I hosted my writers open stage

Thirty years ago today

            On Tuesday night as always I hosted my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage in the Art Bar of the Gladstone Hotel, at 1214 Queen Street West.

Allen Ludden

            On Monday morning I published “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian in my Christian’s Translations blog. I looked for a new Boris Vian photo to post on my Boris Vian Facebook page and found a picture of a puppet of him holding a trumpet. Tomorrow I’ll post the photo and the lyrics to “The Eel” on my Boris Vian page and on my personal Facebook page. 

            I finished memorizing the “Que je t’aime (That I Love You)” parody by Serge Gainsbourg. Tomorrow I’ll translate the second and final verse then start working out the chords. 

            I weighed 90.15 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin during song practice for the last of four sessions and of course it went out of tune for every song. 

            I was still behind on my journal and worked on getting caught up. 

            I weighed 91.05 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 90.7 kilos at 18:00. 

            I worked on my journal at was still behind at suppertime. 

            I had a potato with gravy and a thick slice of roast pork while watching season 9, episode 11 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone asks Carol if she’ll sign his copy of her book What I Want to Be When I Grow Up, so she has him come up. He’s wearing a USC jersey and she says she doesn’t know if she should sign it because she went to UCLA. He says he’s sorry. 

            Carol brings out Betty White, who won an Emmy for playing Sue Ann on The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Carol says that Betty is one of the nicest people she knows but her character Sue Ann is such a nasty person. Carol wants to know how she is able to be so nice and yet plays such a mean person. Betty says she remembers Rhoda and she remembers Phyllis and it’s easy to be mean knowing that she’s the only one in the cast who didn’t get a show of their own, then she storms off the stage.

            Harvey plays a similar character he played a season or two ago except this time he’s not a German officer during WWII but an executive for a company that is a parody of Volkswagen. While carrying a riding crap he is addressing all the salesmen for the company. He says that the US economy cars are beating German cars in sales. He tells them their failure has forced him to take drastic steps and so he brings out the district manager played by Tim, which is the same character he played with Harvey’s character before when he was a Nazi torturer. Tim comes in and they give each other the Nazi salute. Tim then jumps on his knees onto the boardroom table then brings one leg back to the floor. For a moment he thinks he’s lost a leg and says now he won’t be able to dance at Oktoberfest, which cracks Harvey up. A sales chart is on the wall and Tim follows it until it descends behind a book shelf on which he bumps his head. Tim’s idea is to call the people selling US cars and find out their sales pitch to copy it. He puts on a disguise before making the phone call. When he hears that US economy cars get better mileage he wants one. Harvey wants a blue one. The US salesman wants to talk to Tim’s wife on the phone so Harvey puts on a blonde wig and makes his voice higher. They find out they’ll get a free trip to Hawaii so Harvey and Tim leave to get a US car. 

            Carol is carrying a suitcase as she enters a home’s garage. She gets into the car and starts singing the 1965 song “By the Time I Get to Phoenix” by Jimmy Webb. While singing she tries to start the car but the engine won’t turn over so she gets out to open the hood. She sets off the horn, which blares through about a minute of the song and so we only see Carol’s lips moving. The horn stops when she closes the hood then she gets on her kid’s tricycle to start to ride that but her suitcase flies open. Then her husband (played by Harvey) comes in yelling about all the noise and how he has to leave for work soon and she hasn’t even started breakfast. So she goes back in the house. 

            Carol and Tim play a couple celebrating their tenth anniversary in Mexico in the same room as their honeymoon. They go to bed but Carol says she felt something crawling on her. He turns on the light and says, “There it is” and Carol jumps out of bed screaming. Tim says he was joking. Then she sees it on the floor. Tim can’t see it there but then sees it on the dresser and so he puts a glass on top of it. They leave it there and go back to bed but then the glass breaks. They go looking for it again and Carol sees it on the back of his neck. He leaves the room and Carol won’t let him back in until the bug is gone. He assures her it is and she opens the door but now he has an iguana on his back. 

            The Ernie Flatt dancers do a medley of disco dances including The Roach, The Bump, The Snake, and The New York Hustle. 

            In the Mama’s Family sketch it’s Mama’s birthday and she’s celebrating at Eunice and Ed’s home. They’ve just had dinner and Ed lets it slip that her daughter Ellen is coming over when it was supposed to be a surprise. Mama is happy that Ellen is coming because it’s her biggest heartache that Eunice and Ellen have never gotten along. We’ve heard Ellen mentioned in several of these sketches but she has never appeared. Ellen arrives played by Betty, and Mama says until she heard she was coming she was thinking what a big bust this birthday was. Eunice offers Ellen some chicken and dumplings but Ellen says her stomach can’t tolerate greasy food. Ellen asks Ed how things are going in the linoleum business. He corrects her that he’s in hardware. She says that’s nothing to be ashamed of and one should be a bush if they can’t be a tree. Eunice brings out Mama’s birthday cake and Mama hopes it’s not too rich or she won’t be able to eat any on top of them greasy dumplings. Ellen says she won’t have any because all that refined sugar takes the vitamin E out of your system and a lot of it over the years makes a person half crazy. Mama recounts how the fights Eunice and Ellen had when they were kids went through her like a knife. Eunice admits to Ellen that she was jealous of her because she was prettier, smarter, could jump rope better, and had more boyfriends. Ellen says, “You probably just thought I was all those things and you probably weren’t all the things I thought you were either”. “All what things?” “That you were selfish, sullen, and disrespectful, when all the time you were probably just lonely and wanting to be liked without making it”. Eunice mentions how Ellen stole three of her dolls. Ellen says she just borrowed them. Ellen says, “So what if I’m prettier”. Mama mentions how good at reciting Ellen was and how she had The Raven memorized. Eunice admits she wasn’t nearly as good and Mama says, “You sure as hell weren’t! You were terrible!” Mama recounts the high school play when Eunice played a snowflake. “You tried your best but darlin you just stunk!” Ellen adds, “Everybody else was pretty bad but you took the cake!” Mama adds, “You were pitiful!” Eunice says, “At the time you said you loved what I did”. Mama says, “You were such a touchy thing, what did you expect me to say?” Mama opens Ellen’s present and it’s a mink stole. Mama says, “I’m so glad one of my girls married someone with some get up and go”. Mama opens Eunice’s gift and it’s just a fancy flyswatter. Mama says, “Now I can walk into a swanky party and swat all the flies while I’m at it!” Eunice says she just thought it would be a nice conversation piece to hang in her kitchen. Mama says she hopes if she has someone in her kitchen they’ll have something better to discuss than swatting flies. Ellen says she’d like to get one for her trashman. Mama says to just give him that one. Eunice is upset and Ellen asks her when she’s going to grow up. Eunice says she doesn’t need her walking into her home and telling her how to behave. Mama tells Eunice not to use that tone with Ellen. Eunice points out to Mama that her precious Ellen visits her for five minutes every five years and throws in an expensive gift to ease her guilty conscience. Ellen tells Eunice that all her life she has wondered why she has acted like such a jackass and she’s finally figured out that it’s because she is a jackass. Ellen starts to leave and Eunice says for her to take the flyswatter since she took all her dolls and the only man she ever loved. Suddenly Ed is stunned and asks who that was. Ellen says it was just some poor dope Eunice had a crush on who asked her out instead of Eunice. Eunice says it was Duke Reeves and accuses Ellen of leading him on when she didn’t even want him. Ellen says, “He sure as hell didn’t want you!” Eunice says, “You poisoned his mind against me and look what I wound up with!” Ed doesn’t know what to say. Eunice tells Ellen she’s cruel, mean and vicious. Ellen says, “Shut up! You are an eyesore and a humiliation to the entire family and I should have decked you when we was kids! If you want that ratty hair to stay in one piece you better just lay offa me!” Then Ellen leaves and shouts “Jackass!” Mama says, “Well, I hope you are satisfied…” But Eunice says, “If you value your life you won’t say one word to me! I have broken my back to make this a nice birthday for you old lady!” 

            Carol tells Betty she loves seeing her every year in the Pasadena Rose Bowl Parade. Betty says she’d love to have her join her but Carol says she doesn’t like marching bands or parades because they’ve always terrified her. Betty says she’ll cure her and orders a parade onstage. The dancers act like they’re in a parade. Carol and Betty sing the 1931 song “I Love a Parade” by Harold Arlen and Ted Koehler. The Locke High School Band performs along with a young dancer who does some funky moves. I assume he is part of the same school. Carol and Betty finish with the song that started things off. 

            In the audience was Betty White’s husband Allen Ludden, who earned a BA and an MA from the University of Texas where he majored in English and Dramatics. In 1948 he became a program director for WCBS radio in New York. His teen oriented radio show Mind Your Manners won a Peabody Award in 1950. In 1959 he became the program coordinator for all CBS radio stations. He was the host of Password for 2814 episodes between 1961 and 1975 (for which he won an Emmy). His opening catchphrase was “Hi doll!” and it was addressed to Betty’s mother Tess White. He met Betty on Password but their romance blossomed in 1962 when they were performing together in the summer stock play Critic’s Choice. He and Betty were married until he died in 1981. She never remarried and said, “Once you’ve had the best, who needs the rest?” He wrote four books of plain talk advice, and one youth oriented novel in 1959 called Roger Tomoas, Actor. In 1964 he released an album called Allen Ludden Sings His Favourite Songs.

June 24, 1996: I started swamping furniture for summer work

Thirty years ago today

            On Monday it would have been the beginning of the last week of school for the Toronto District School Board. If I didn’t have any gigs posing at one of the secondary schools with advanced art programs I might have worked as a furniture swamper for Keith Anderson Moving and Storage in North York.

Ray Jessel

            On Sunday morning after midnight I was working on my journal when I dozed off and fell out of my chair and onto my right hip. I expected it to be sore when I got up at 5:00 but it wasn’t. 

            After yoga. I finished editing “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian in my Christian’s Translations blog and it is ready for publication as soon as I post a YouTube video at the top. 

            I memorized and translated the first verse of the “Que je t’aime (That I Love You)” parody by Serge Gainsbourg. That’s half the song and so there’s a good chance that I’ll have it finished on Monday. 

            I weighed 90.15 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin for the third of four sessions and it went out of tune for every song as usual.

            Around midday I painted the outside half of two of the four floral reliefs on my future bathroom mirror frame. On Tuesday I’ll do the outside halves of the other two. 

            I weighed 91.35 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 90.45 kilos at 17:45, which is the lightest I’ve been in the evening since June 6. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still behind at suppertime. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, french fries, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 9, episode 10 of The Carol Burnett Show. During the audience warmup someone asks Carol about the play Once Upon a Mattress. She says it was the first theatre production she was in outside of college. 

            Someone asks Carol to relate a funny and interesting experience she shared with Lucille Ball. The cameraman says, “Desi Arnaz”. 

            Carol plays a housewife talking on the phone about how her kitchen has just been renovated but there are a few problems. She hangs up and the phone breaks off the wall. Her husband (played by Harvey) comes home from a very bad day at work and doesn’t want to hear any complaints, so she doesn’t mention the phone. Several things in the kitchen break or malfunction as he’s sitting there waiting for Carol to fix him a drink. The comedy lies in her attempting to conceal each little disaster that is happening very close to him. He bangs his fist on the kitchen table and a light fixture drops into Carol’s hands. She goes to get ice and the handle comes off the freezer door so she can’t open it. She tries to pry it with a hammer but the hammer handle snaps. It doesn’t open until Harvey bangs his fist on the table again. She tries to run water and the faucet comes off so that water is spraying all over the place. The kitchen counters fall from the wall and the door comes off the fridge. The ceiling collapses. Harvey is freaking out but says they’ll go to a restaurant. He goes out to get the car and it blows up. Carol makes a big batch of martinis in the light fixture. 

            Carol brings Maggie Smith out and asks her to teach her how to speak with an accent. Maggie says, “You already do speak with an accent. Oh! You mean you want to learn to speak correctly?” Carol wants to be able to imitate the Cockney accent. Her lesson becomes a singing duet. Maggie sings, “Take the A sound and make it an I sound. Take the O sound and make it an Ow. Then try a glottal stop: Wha-a lo-ah li--le bo--les” (What a lot of little bottles). She then says she has to drop her “H”s. Carol says she wants to star in My Fair Lady II if they make it. But Maggie says that’s a part she’d audition for too.

            Harvey is very sick and has called for his doctor to make a house call but the doctor’s father, played by Tim Conway in his old man character shows up instead. He walks with a shuffle and has an inability to lift his feet and so he tends to bunch up carpets, making obstacles for himself. He goes to wash his hands and does so in the gold fish bowl. He says he got his doctor’s bag in Australia and it’s real koala, which cracks Harvey up. He goes to take Harvey’s pulse but his fob watch is missing and so he holds Harvey’s left hand while he brings Harvey’s right hand around him so he can look at his watch. But he ends up sliding up next to Harvey and falling asleep. Harvey asks if he’s sure he’s a doctor. Tim shows him his diploma and he’s a paediatrician. Tim puts on a monkey mask to get Harvey to take a pill. He goes to take Harvey’s temperature and tells him to roll over. A nurse took my temperature that way when I was a kid in the hospital. Harvey hears from the doorman that a Doctor Becker is on his way up and Harvey is relieved because he thinks it’s Tim’s son but it’s his father. 

            Maggie plays a school teacher on parent-teachers night. Eunice, Ed and Mama come in to discuss Eunice and Ed’s son Bubba. Maggie says that she’s sent several notes home with Bubba but his parents have never received them. She tells them that Bubba’s studies and behaviour have been going downhill since Grade 1. Unless something changes the school will have to expel him. Bubba has only handed in one assignment so far this year. It was supposed to be a 100 word composition on what he did last summer. All he wrote was “Not much” fifty times. When asked to report to the principal Bubba set off the fire alarm. Once he threw a stink bomb into the teachers lounge. Ed asks how he’s doing in athletics. She says the other students won’t play with him because he throws tantrums when he loses. Today at lunch he stole a girl’s chicken salad sandwich and force-fed her his bologna sandwich, nearly choking her. Eunice and Ed ask how she knows he did that. Maggie says it was reported by Bubba’s brother Billy Joe. Mama says she’d steal chicken salad too if all she got was bologna every day. The students were asked to draw pictures of their home life and Bubba drew mean looking parents menacing himself as a little black dot. Maggie says it indicates that he feels insignificant at home. Ed asks, “What the hell’s he doin in art class anyway? Next thing he’ll be doin is hair dressin!” Maggie says she’s trying to draw their attention to the fact that he drew himself as a dot. Ed says Bubba’s always been frail. Mama says, “That’s cause he don’t get enough to eat”. Maggie says she can’t overemphasize the importance of an open, loving home climate. Mama and Ed start looking at Eunice and she feels like she’s being blamed and so she storms out but comes back a minute later. She apologizes and says she takes things way too seriously sometimes. Mama tells her she does take things way to seriously. Eunice tells her, “That’s what I just said! Didn’t you hear me say that?” Eunice says she’s both mama and papa to those boys and the only discipline comes from her. Ed says he’s walloped them plenty of times but he can’t stay home all the time. “I’m easier on them than my papa was on me. I didn’t enjoy those wallopins but he made a man out of me!” Mama says, “I think he was a couple of wallopins short!” Maggie says, “None of you seem to realize that without responsible parental guidance your son is headed for big trouble!” Eunice starts crying and says, “I just wasn’t meant ta have boys! I just can’t handle boys!” She complains that both times when she was wheeled into the delivery room she prayed for a beautiful little girl that she could dress up in pretty dresses like she never had but both times she ended up with a big, fat, awful boy. “And my figures never been the same!” Mama says, “I warned you that if you married this big bozo you was gonna wind up givin birth to a bunch of freaks!” Eunice accuses Mama of always favouring her sister Ellen like when Ellen shot her with a squirt gun she just told Eunice to be a good sport. But when Eunice dropped a water balloon on Anne Marie Bitner, Mama threatened to send her to reform school. Mama reminds her that there’s a big difference between a squirt gun and a water bomb and Eunice almost gave Anne Marie a concussion. Maggie shouts for them all to sit down. She says when she first met Bubba she thought he was the most hateful bully she had ever met, but having met his parents she has only sympathy for him. A belligerent insensitive father, a selfish mother, and an uncaring bitter grandmother. “These are the people he has to come home to every day!” Mama says, “I don’t live with them!” Maggie says, “That’s one small mercy for Bubba”. She says they’re going to make a better life for Bubba, even if she has to come to their house every day and knock their heads together. She tells them to come back next week. They try to protest but she shouts for them to get out. After they leave Maggie says, “Og Bubba, we’ve got a lot of work to do!” 

            In the final musical and dance number everybody plays stage hands on the Carol Burnett set. Carol and Maggie sing the 1974 song “Showbiz” by Dennis Tracy. Harvey sings “Be a Clown” by Cole Porter from the 1948 film The Pirate. Vicki sings “Let Me Entertain You” by Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim from the 1959 musical Gypsy. There’s a dance segment and one dancer lies on her back on a table while Tim stands on the table on his knees holding a tablecloth so that when the dancer kicks her legs it looks like Tim is doing the can-can. Carol holds a hammer like a microphone and sings “There’s No Business Like Show Business” by Irving Berlin from the 1946 musical Annie Get Your Gun. Carol and Maggie finish alone with a return to “Showbiz”. 

            One of the writers for The Carol Burnett Show was Ray Jessel, who was born and raised in Wales. He received a degree in music from the University of Wales. He earned a one year scholarship to study music composition in Paris. He moved to Canada as a young man where he started his show business career as an orchestrator and composer for the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. he co-wrote songs for the Toronto revue Spring Thaw. He moved to New York and co-wrote the songs for the 1964 musical Baker Street. He wrote 34 episodes of The Love Boat, and 32 episodes of Head of the Class. He wrote and produced the TV series The Jacksons. He co-wrote the songs for the 1979 musical I Remember Mama. He wrote scripts and songs for the PBS show The Charlie Horse Music Pizza starring Shari Lewis. He started performing on stage at the age of 72 and developed a cabaret act. He auditioned for America’s Got Talent in 2014 at the age of 84. He won a chance to return again but didn’t appear.