March 27, 1996: I hosted my open stage as always on Tuesdays

Thirty years ago today 

            On Tuesday evening as always I hosted my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage in the Art Bar of the Gladstone Hotel.

Betty Grable

            On Wednesday morning I worked out the chords for the first verse of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. 

            I created a Movie Maker project for “Les millionaires” by Serge Gainsbourg. I imported the song and placed the music on the audio timeline. I imported the first 100 images I’d gathered for the video and placed them in order in the video timeline. Tomorrow I might have them all uploaded or at least the second 100. 

            I weighed 87.3 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Kramer electric for the last of two sessions and it only went out of tune once.

            Around midday I did my taxes. 

            I weighed 88.35 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and on the way back stopped at Freshco. But all the grapes were too soft and so I walked over to Metro where I bought three bags of green grapes and some soy based vanilla ice cream.

            I weighed 87.55 kilos at 18.55. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 20:06. 

            I tried again to digitally record the cassette tape that has been so difficult over the last three weeks. The opening track of my band playing “Megaphor” live has always been the main track that has failed and just come through as noise when I tried to run the sound directly into my audio interface. This time I put a microphone to the speaker and plugged that into the audio interface. This time it recorded although the volume was low and the bass was too dominant. I’ll try it again tomorrow with the bass turned down and the volume higher. 

            I steamed a bunch of asparagus tips and had them in a salad with cucumber, tomato, avocado and pomegranate zaatar dressing while watching season 1, episode 21 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            The VIP interview is with Queen Elizabeth as played by Carol. The interviewer is Harvey Korman who tells her he likes her crown. She says, “I got it this morning eating margarine”. That’s a reference to the old Imperial Margarine commercials in which a crown appears on the heads of people who eat it. 

            Betty Grable does a song and dance number to “Hello Dolly” by Jerry Herman. 

            The next skit depicts the final episode of a soap opera called As the Stomach Turns. Marian and Victoria are having tea when Victoria asks Marian about her son who went away fifteen years ago. Marian reveals to Victoria that he’s really her son. Victoria insists that she’s never had a baby but Marian assures her she did and informs her that she’s had amnesia for many years. Victoria now remembers. Bob Baxter the boy next door arrives as he got out of jail five minutes ago when it was found that he didn’t really murder Natalie Carter because she recently confessed that she lied at his trial. Bob tells her he’s getting married and brings his fiancé in, played by Martha Raye. Marian recognizes her as the conniving chorus girl Connie Canoga. They are getting married only three days after her wealthy husband died. Bob confesses that he is Marian’s missing son, who is really Victoria’s son. Victoria and Bob embrace and Victoria remembers that Connie pushed her into the Canoga Falls and that’s how she got amnesia. Victoria says, “You tried to kill me! Why? Why? Why?” Connie tells her, “Just one question at a time!” She tried to kill her because her husband fell in love with her just because she was a little prettier. Victoria comforts her, “That’s not true dear. I was a lot prettier”. Marian finds out that her son who only had six months to live is improving and they now give him seven months to live.” Marian reveals that her poor dead husband isn’t dead. He’s been in the basement for the last 15 years writing a song that will make them rich. Her elderly husband staggers downstairs and announces he finished the song. He is about to sing it when he has a heart attack and dies. 

            They have the Most Beautiful Legs Contest with five contestants sticking only their crossed legs out from behind curtain. The winner is decided by applause. Clearly the ones on the left are the best but it’s the ones on the right that win and they are Harvey Korman’s legs. The ones on the left are Betty Grable’s, who had the most famous legs in Hollywood. 

            Next Carol and Martha play two working class housewives sitting on a stoop. They sing “Flings” by Bob Merrill from the musical New Girl in Town. 

            In Carol’s biographical sketch, Carol, Roger, and Vickie’s 90 some years old Aunt Molly and Uncle Burt come to visit. 

            The final number is by Carol, Betty, and Martha. They sing the 1923 song “That Old Gang of Mine” by Billy Rose, Mort Dixon, and Ray Henderson. It was originally introduced in the Ziegfeld Follies. 

            Betty Grable was enrolled in dance school at the age of three and learned tap and ballet. She attended the Hollywood Professional School. Her mother lied about her age and got her a job as a chorus girl when she was only 13. She also entered her into multiple beauty contests. She attracted Hollywood’s attention while performing in Du Barry Was a Lady on Broadway. She made her film debut in Happy Days. She sang for the Ted Fio Rito orchestra even though she was not a great vocalist. She married Jackie Coogan in 1939 but divorced Uncle Fester shortly after. She co-starred in Down Argentine Way, Probation, This Way Please, College Swing, How to Marry a Millionaire, Tin Pan Alley, Footlight Serenade, A Yank in the RAF, and Mother Wore Tights. She starred in Coney Island, Sweet Rosie O’Grady, Springtime in the Rockies, The Dollie Sisters, I Wake Up Screaming, Million Dollar Legs, Pin-Up Girl, Billy Rose’s Diamond Horseshoe, The Shocking Miss Pilgrim, That Lady in Ermine, When My Baby Smiles at Me, The Beautiful Blond from Bashful Bend, Wabash Avenue, My Blue Heaven, Call Me Mister, Meet Me After the Show, The Farmer Takes a Wife, Three For the Show, and How to be Very Very Popular. During WWII she became the most popular pin-up girl among US soldiers. In 1946 and 1947 she was the highest paid actress in Hollywood. She was making $300,000 a year which would be $5.4 million now. 20th Century Fox had her legs insured for $1 million. She said she was strictly a song and dance girl and could only act well enough to get by.

March 26, 1996: I worked somewhere

Thirty years ago today

            On Monday I probably posed for an art class or drawing or painting group somewhere.

Dionne Warwick

            On Tuesday morning I worked out the chords for half of the first verse of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. 

            I finished gathering images for my photo-video of “Les millionaires” by Serge Gainsbourg. Tomorrow I’ll start importing them to Movie Maker.

            I weighed 87.7 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Kramer electric during song practice for the first of two sessions and it stayed in tune the whole time. 

            Around midday I rode up to Yonge and St. Clair to get a haircut at Top Cuts. When I left I no longer had mad scientist’s hair. 

            I weighed 87.15 kilos at 16:00, which is the lightest I’ve been in the early afternoon since December 16. 

            I took a siesta from 16:30 to 18:00. 

            I weighed 87.8 kilos at 18:20. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 20:20. 

            I reviewed the recording I made with my cassette-to-MP3 converter of the cassette tape that’s been failing to be digitized for the last three weeks. A very short part of the beginning of side 1 and 13 minutes of side 2 came through clean, albeit with the occasional skipping that happens with that device. I would like to try recording the tape by simply playing it with a microphone against a speaker but I didn’t have time tonight and so I decided to run it through the cassette-to-MP3 converter one more time to see if it comes through any differently. I started the converter recording but after over an hour I noticed I’d forgotten that last night I’d removed the tape from the machine. I started again. 

            I had a lettuce, cucumber, mushroom, tomato, and avocado salad with pomegranate zaatar dressing while watching season 1, episode 19 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warm-up a 12 year old boy tells Carol he’s admired her for many years and wonders if she’ll have dinner with him. Carol says she can’t have dinner with him but invites him to come back stage after the show to share a Mars bar. She brings Jonathan Winters out and he does various impressions: A slot machine, a rod and reel, Jimmy Cagney, Edward G. Robinson, Humphrey Bogart, and Walter Brennan. 

            The first skit is of a married couple played by Carol and Jonathan who watch 16 hours of television a day right up until sign-off. In those days TV stations didn’t broadcast all night. After it’s shut off he suggests that maybe they watch too much TV. She asks, “What are you? Some kind of subversive? They argue. Finally Carol asks, “Can’t we ever change?” He says, “I’d rather fight than switch!” which is a phrase from an old cigarette commercial. She says, “I’m leaving you!” She goes out the door but returns and says, “I came back” He says, “and I’m glad she did!” I think this is from a Camel cigarettes commercial. She runs to him and asks about his shaving lotion. He says it’s called “Hai Karate” She says, “Take it off, take it all off”. She gets very aggressive and he starts fighting her off with karate like in the old Hai Karate commercials. He knocks her dead or unconscious, then he holds up her wristwatch to show to the camera and says, “After a terrific beating, it’s still ticking”, like in the Timex commercials. 

            Dionne Warwick sings “Theme from Valley of the Dolls” by André and Dory Previn. Then accompanied by the dancers she sings “Children Go Where I Send Thee”. Then Carol and Dionne sing “T’morra’ T’morra’” from the musical Bloomer Girl by Harold Arlen and E.Y. Harburg. 

            Next is Carol’s biographical sketch. Chrissie comes home from a costume party wearing a space suit with a bubble helmet. Carol is wearing a new hairpiece and has to go to Roger’s niece’s wedding the next morning. She doesn’t want to mess up her hair in bed and so she plans to stay up all night. Roger wants to go to bed but makes the sacrifice to stay up with her. She starts dozing off and he has to keep waking her. He tries to prop her up with couch pillows so she can sleep while sitting but that doesn’t work. Finally he puts the space helmet on her and it looks like she’ll be able to sleep. So now she wants to take it off so she can get ready for bed and then put it back on. But it won’t come off. Roger goes to the kitchen to get a tool but while he’s there Carol gets it off. She walks toward the kitchen to tell Roger, when the kitchen door hits her and knocks her into a wall sending her hair into disarray. 

            Next is a short gangster sketch. The boss tells Willie he has to be rubbed out. He gives him the kiss of death. Willie says to the fourth wall, “He kissed me once but will he kiss me again?” like in the commercial for Smart Mouth Oral Rinse. 

            Next Carol sings “Come Rain or Come Shine” while it is at first raining on her. But then large amounts of water are thrown sat her from both sides. 

            Then there is the Wonderful World of hospitals. Walter Crankcase interviews Dr. Arnold Sparks, the head of the Richard Chamberlain Hospital (Richard Chamberlain played Dr. Kildare). They are working on a cure for Ben Gazarra. I guess that’s a reference to Run for Your Life, which starred Gazzara as someone with a terminal illness. 

            Next a surgeon and a nurse have just performed a successful operation. The doctor’s been working with Margaret for a long time and now confesses he loves her and wants to marry her. He’s fallen for her eyes but has never seen her without a surgical mask. They take off their masks and he takes one look at her and says, “Forget it!” 

            Crankcase interviews Maudie Frickert who has just given birth at the age of 83. She gave birth an hour ago and that’s when she found out she was pregnant. 

            The dancers do a sort of flamenco dance and the men are cracking whips while dancing. . Carol comes out dressed in a Spanish style costume and sings “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me”. A man with a whip starts hitting her clothes until she’s standing in her underwear and starts cracking up with laughter. 

            Dionne Warwick began singing in church at the age of 6. As a teenager she formed The Gospelaires with Dee Dee Warwick and Cissy Houston. They were in demand as backup singers during recording sessions while Dionne was still in high school. She recorded “Make it Easy On Yourself” in 1962 but then she found out they were going to release Jerry Butler’s version as the first single. She was pissed off and to appease her they offered to get Burt Bacharach and Hal David to write a song just for her. She responded by saying, “Don’t make me over!” Inspired by that phrase, Hal David wrote the lyrics for “Don’t Make Me Over” which became her first hit. She did a tour of France in 1962 and was called “The Black Pearl of Paris”. When she played the Olympia she was introduced by Marlene Dietrich. “Anyone Who Had a Heart” was her first top 10 hit. “Walk On By” made her a star. “Do You Know the Way to San Jose” was another international hit and she won a Grammy. She was the best selling female vocalist of 1964. In 1967 “I Say a Little Prayer” was her first gold record. I’ll Never Fall in Love Again made it to #6. She had her first TV special in 1969. She formed her own record company in 1970. In 1972 Bacharach and David split up and broke their contract with Warwick. She sued them and got $5 million plus the rights to all of her songs written by them. She’s had 18 top 20 hits, including 12 by Burt Bacharach and Hal David. She won 6 Grammy Awards. She hosted Solid Gold in the 1981 and 1985 seasons. She was part of the “We Are the World” collaboration. In 1985 she reunited with Bacharach to sing “That’s What Friends Are For”. She began her career as a mezzo soprano but after years of smoking became a contralto. She co-starred in Slaves, She did infomercials for the Psychic Friends Network in the 1990s.

March 25, 1996: My daughter and I went to the playground

Thirty years ago today

            Sunday was a nice day and so my daughter and I went to the playground.

Shirley Jones

            On Monday morning I worked out the chords for the instrumental intro to “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. Tomorrow I’ll start on the verses but there’s only one recording and it only uses some of the lyrics so I’ll have to fill in the blanks a lot and apply the melody to the unused parts. 

            I continued to search for images for my photo-video of “Les millionaires” by Serge Gainsbourg. I have 244 now and there’s a good chance I’ll be finished tomorrow, as there are only two lines left.

            I weighed 87.55 kilos before breakfast. When I’m just eating fruit or salads my weight really drops overnight and climbs up high in the evening. I assume it’s mostly water weight. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice for the last of two sessions and it stayed in tune more than half the time. Tomorrow I begin a two session stretch of playing my Kramer. 

            I was behind on my journal and so before lunch I worked toward getting caught up. 

            I weighed 88.45 kilos before lunch, which is the lightest I’ve been in the early afternoon since last Monday. 

            I took a siesta at the usual time of 14:30 and planned to sleep for my habitual 90 minutes but I didn’t wake up until 16:30. By the time I was ready for a bike ride it was too late to go downtown and so I just rode to Ossington and Bloor. On the way home I stopped at Freshco where I bought seven bags of grapes, a broccoli crown, a bunch of asparagus, and a bag of frozen broad beans. I did a price match on the grapes with the Walmart price of $6.55 a kilo. As I was leaving I remembered to buy coffee because on Wednesday I’ll be back to drinking it again. I went back in and got a pack of Full City Dark. It feels like years since I’ve purchased coffee even though it’s only been a month but the price is now $5 more than before. 

            I weighed 87.8 kilos at 18:30. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal but didn’t get there until after supper. 

            I had a lettuce, cucumber, scallion, mushroom, tomato, and avocado salad with pomegranate zaatar dressing while watching season 1, episode 18 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            The first skit is a VIP interview with Charles De Gaulle (played by Harvey Korman). He gives a thumbs down to the US. He says one of the only Middle North Americans he admires is Benedict Arnold. VIP says twice the US has liberated France from dictators. De Gaulle says, “You better not try it again!” “You think you’re god?” “No I am probably much taller”. “Do you have any plans to visit the US? “Maybe in a year or so I’ll walk over”. “What will happen to France after you’re gone?” “I have made arrangements for France to be buried with me”. “What are your plans for the future?” “I would first like to retire to a small farm, and then I would like to rule the world”. “There are people who compare you with Adolph Hitler”. “Thank you”. 

            Shirley Jones sings “When Did I Fall in Love?” by Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick from the musical Fiorello. 

            In the second skit Carol and Harvey play a married couple. Jeffrey is too busy to spend any time with her and so Marsha threatens to leave him. He says he works so hard so she can have beautiful things but she can’t have those and him. She says, “I want a husband!” He says, “I’ll buy you one”. He says it wasn’t his idea to spend $200 on a cut glass vase. She says, “I’ll show you what the vase means to me” then she smashes it. This sets off a competition to see who can give up the most. He throws his alligator shoes out the window. She throws her Tiffany coffee table out. He tosses his gun collection. She flings out the carpet. He heaves his watch and his wallet. She throws out the expensive paintings. She throws their maid out the window. He strips to his underwear and throws over his suit and she does the same with her dress. They keep tossing stuff until a cop arrives to arrest them both. Marsha is happy because now they are finally going someplace together. 

            The next skit is a parody of commercials. Carol plays the miserable Millie who has several afflictions. The cheerful Ethel played by Shirley Jones arrives. Millie says she has acid indigestion, cactus hands, and tired blood. Ethel pulls a bottle of something from her bag that fixes all of those problems. But Millie is still irritable, depressed, with dandruff and her grey hair is giving her a headache. Ethel gives her a can of martinis. Millie’s coffee makes her gag but Ethel has an alternative. Millie is still upset because this morning her living bra died when it starved to death. Ethel gives her another. Millie says, “I don’t know what I’d do without you and your magic purse”. Ethel says, “You may have to. Today I got arrested for shoplifting”. 

            In the next skit a famous actor played by Harvey is in the hospital with an acute case of nervous exhaustion. He shares a room with a man covered in bandages, who is also in traction and clearly in pain. A nurse comes in (played by Carol) who recognizes Harvey’s character and begins fawning all over him because he’s her favourite movie star. He’s trying to rest and just wants her to go away. He can’t take it anymore and gets up to put his clothes on. She struggles with him to stop him and he falls partway out the window. She’s grabbed him and is the only one keeping him from falling. The nurse tells the man in bandages to call for help. He takes off his face bandage and it’s Lyle Wagonner. Carol sees him and drops Harvey. 

            Then George Chakiris does a traditional Greek bouzouki dance. 

            In Carol’s biographical sketch she and her sister Chrissie are preparing to go out to a movie while Roger’s elderly secretary Mrs. Henshaw is going to come over and help him with some important office work. But just as they are leaving the doorbell rings and it’s Henshaw’s young, attractive, and mini-skirted assistant Dottie. Carol decides to stay home and supervise. But her having over their shoulders and interrupting gets on Roger’s nerves and they begin to argue. Dottie doesn’t want them to fight because of her and says she’d better leave. Now Carol feels ashamed, apologizes and tells Dottie she should stay but Dottie insists. On her way out she puts her arms around Roger and gives him a big kiss on the mouth before Carol chases her out. 

            In the final piece Carol’s character The Charwoman is the cleaning lady for a rich woman who goes out, leaving her to clean the apartment. She begins trying on her expensive things like her tiara. She sings “If My Friends Could See Me Now” and “Baby Dream Your Dream” by Cy Coleman and Dorothy Fields from the musical Sweet Charity. She sings the second song in a duet with a dressed up version of herself in a double exposure video. 

            Shirley Jones started singing at 6 and began formal training at 12. She made her TV and acting debut on Fireside Theatre in 1950. She won the 1952 Miss Pittsburgh contest (earning a scholarship to drama school) and was the first runner up in the Miss Pennsylvania pageant. At 20 she became the first and only actor to be signed to a personal contract by Rogers and Hammerstein. She made her Broadway debut in South Pacific in 1954. She made her film debut in Oklahoma in 1955. She co-starred in Carousel, April Love, Never Steal Anything Small, Two Rode Together, Elmer Gantry (winning the Best Supporting Actress Oscar), The Music Man, The Courtship of Eddie’s Father, Bedtime Story, Fluffy, The Secret of My Success, The Cheyenne Social Club, Tank, Raising Genius, Grandma’s Boy, Family Weekend, and Zombie Night. She starred in Bobbikins, A Ticklish Affair, Dark Purpose, In 1956 she married Jack Cassidy and became the stepmother of future teen idol David Cassidy, who was then 6 years old. In 1958 she gave birth to future teen heartthrob Shaun Cassidy. She is best remembered for starring in the sitcom The Partridge Family for the four years it ran. She and David Cassidy were the only members of the fictional Partridge Family band whose voices were recorded for the songs. She says The Partridge Family killed her film career but had no regrets. Her own comedy series Shirley only lasted one season. In 1977 she married Marty Ingles. They wrote a book together in 1990 called Shirley and Marty: an Unlikely Romance. She also wrote Shirley Jones: a Memoir.

March 24, 1996: I picked up my daughter and she spent the weekend

Thirty years ago today

            On Saturday I picked up my daughter and she spent the weekend at my place. The weather was nice so we played outside.