Gary Belkin

            On Friday morning I memorized the fifth verse of L'anguille (The Eel) by Boris Vian. That’s half the song. 

            I compared the Google translations of the lyrics I already had for the first verse of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg with the ones that Sonix transcribed from the audio. The ones from Sonix make more sense but I’m not as sure about the second verse. I weighed 88.5 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the last of two sessions and it went out of tune on every song. Tomorrow I begin a two session stretch of playing my electrics. 

            Around midday I unplugged and disconnected my Yamaha receiver to take it to AMI Electronics at Parliament and Shuter to get Dr. Oscar Moz to fix it because the right channel keeps dropping out. I told him I needed it back today so I guess he charged extra for that. He said he’d call me after a couple of hours to give me his diagnosis and tell me how much it would cost. 

            I rode home and had lunch. 

            I weighed 88.6 kilos at 15:20, which is the lightest I’ve been in the early afternoon since April 15. 

            I took a siesta at 15:55 and Oscar called at 16:30. He offered to install Blue Tooth on my receiver but I wasn’t familiar enough with it to want to have it. He said the price for the repairs was $195 and I could pick it up at 17:30. I didn’t expect the price to be that high. I had to stop at the bank machine at the Bank of Montreal on the way there. Oscar had just finished when I got there. He said he’d had to solder new connections for the knobs and for the jacks in the back. He also had to put in new capacitors. On top of that he cleaned it. 

            When I got home I reconnected the stereo and was surprised that it was so easy. I’m always afraid of screwing things like this up. So far it looks like Oscar fixed the problem but I didn’t try to record. 

            I weighed 88.75 kilos at 19:00. That’s the easiest I’ve been on the scale in the evening since April 15. 

            I boiled a potato, heated some gravy and warmed up two chicken drumsticks. 

            I got ready to watch season 7, episode 3 of The Carol Burnett Show but there was no sound. My computer sound is accessed by the CD setting on the receiver and I was pretty sure I had the wire plugged in the right place but I switched it. That didn’t work. I restarted the computer. My supper was getting cold. The restart didn’t seem to help but when I switched from the line-out plug to the CD plug it worked. I’m pretty sure I’d put it in that slot before so maybe the restart worked after all. 

            On The Carol Burnett Show, during the audience warmup, Carol announces that Gloria Swanson is her special guest. Carol does a parody of Gloria called Nora Desmond and Gloria wrote to her that she got a kick out of it. Carol shows the final scene from Sunset Boulevard in which Gloria delivers her line, “Okay Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up”. Gloria comes out holding Lyle Waggoner’s hand and thanks Carol. She says most shows only “send flowers to my dressing room but you’ve really outdone yourself”, then she looks lovingly at Lyle. Carol mentions that Lyle was recently a centrefold in Playgirl Magazine. Gloria tells Lyle she wants to have dinner with him in Algiers. Carol says he can’t go because he’s a regular. Gloria says, “A regular? Forget it! I wanted a weirdo! Harvey!” 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch Roger is mad at Carol because she invited the elevator operator at his work building over for dinner. The elevator operator has a crush on Carol and Roger doesn’t understand why she encourages him. Carol explains that she invited him as a means of curing him of his infatuation. She thinks that if she and Roger demonstrate their affection for one another it will discourage him. Roger agrees to play along. Carol and Roger make sure they are kissing each other passionately when Jim arrives but it doesn’t phase him at all. He just tells Carol he didn’t want to be late for his first date with her. Jim knows better than Roger that Carol likes white wine on the rocks and that she wears a size 8 dress. Carol’s plan is not working and so Roger confronts Jim directly about his crush. Jim says he is in love with Carol. Carol, Harvey and Chrissie all try to argue how wrong it is for Jim to be in love with a married woman. Jim stands up and says, “You people are acting like being in love is some sort of crime. When actually it’s the highest compliment one human being can pay to another. So I’m in love with your wife, big deal. I’m not trying to break up your marriage. I’m not sneaking around behind your back. I’m just an honest man trying to express an honest emotion. I thought you’d understand that but I guess I was wrong. I’m sorry if I’ve offended anybody. I didn’t mean to, I really didn’t. Please excuse me” and then he leaves. Both Carol and Roger feel rotten and Crol runs after Jim, but he’s just waiting outside the door. She brings him back in for dinner. Jim says, “After dinner we can go to a movie while they’re doing the dishes.” 

            Gloria Swanson says, “They’re making such a fuss about the last tango (referencing the film The Last Tango in Paris). You’re looking at the kid who danced the first”. She sings and dances with the Ernie Flatt Dancers to the 1956 song “A New Fangled Tango” by Harold Karr and Matt Dubey. All the male dancers are made to resemble Rudolf Valentino. 

            In The Old Folks sketch Burt and Molly insult each other as usual up until they declare their love with a song. They sing “An Old Man” by Richard Rodgers from the 1970 musical Two By Two.

            Carol and Vickie play two sisters watching their mother leave for a date and hoping she’ll get married. They sing “Mama’s Got a Date” and it looks like it was written specifically for this number. They sing “Tonight at Eight” by Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick from the 1963 musical She Loves Me. Then they sing “If Mama Was Married” by Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim from the 1959 musical Gypsy. In the end Mama returns to announce she’s married and she’s the tall, big breasted Jewish mother played by Harvey Korman in drag. 

            Carol plays a naively devoted housewife and Harvey plays her cheating husband who feels so guilty he can’t help but eventually let it slip out that he’s having an affair. She listens to him while she’s mixing the batter for a cake and when he finally confesses she is extremely understanding. She asks him to taste the batter and he immediately dies of poisoning. 

            Carol’s Charwoman is cleaning up in a film studio and she goes into a projection rool where silent films are stored. She watches a film called Silents is Golden. In it Gloria Swanson plays Charlie Chaplin and silently invites the Charwoman into the screen. Charlie picks some flowers for the Charwoman from a public garden and they are chased by a cop who keeps getting knocked over by people and obstructions. They sit at a restaurant table next to a snooty couple played by Lyle and Vicki and imitate them. Lyle drinks champagne from Vickie’s shoe so Charlie steals the bottle and pours it into the Charwoman’s boot but it is full of holes. Then the cop and everyone else chases them. The Charwoman escapes back to reality. She wants Charlie to come with her but he can’t. The Charwoman sings a song in praise of silent films. 

            Jim was played by Jim Connell but there’s not a lot of information about him. He made a few guest appearances on shows like Get Smart and Gidget. 

            This episode was co-written by Gary Belkin, who started his career writing jokes for radio comedians and cartoon ideas for The New Yorker magazine. He wrote for Your Show of Shows, Caesar’s Hour, The Carol Burnett Show, Get Smart, Three’s Company, The Doris Day Show, The Danny Kaye Show, The Tonight Show, and Sesame Street. He was nominated for 8 Emmy Awards and won two. He also ghost wrote quips and poetry for Muhammad Ali.

May 16, 1996: I posed for art classes

Thirty years ago today 

            On Thursday I probably posed for art classes but I have no record of which ones.

Jay Tarses

            On Thursday morning I downloaded the YouTube video of Regine singing “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. I then uploaded it to Sonix to get a transcription because it felt like mine wasn’t accurate. Their transcription was quite different, probably right in places but also probably wrong in places. I copied each line and put them beside each line from the text I had. Tomorrow I’ll figure out which lines are correct. 

            I weighed 88.85 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin acoustic for song practice for the first of two sessions and it went out of tune during every song. 

            Around midday I went to the post office at the back of Vina Pharmacy and bought a postage paid box for sending my daughter her birthday treats and the rough amethyst. I also bought an envelope to send my Australian friend Audrey Morgan a copy of my book Paranoiac Utopia. 

            I weighed 90 kilos before lunch, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the early afternoon since May 3. 

            I took a siesta and got up at 16:04. I skipped brushing my teeth and immediately packed, sealed and addressed the box for Astrid in Montreal. I signed a copy of my book and put it in the envelope for Audrey. I checked online to find out which direction mail travels from Toronto to Australia. It makes sense that it travels west because there would be fewer countries to fly over on the way. I got both items to the post office on time to send them out with the last mail of the day. Astrid’s package should get to Montreal on Monday or Tuesday. Audrey’s book will take ten business days. Her birthday’s on May 21 but it probably won’t arrive until my birthday on May 26. 

            After the post office I went home to brush my teeth but by the time I was done it was too late for a bike ride. So I just rode straight to Freshco. They had cherries for $6.59 a kilo so I bought five bags. I also got a pack of raspberries, bananas, a pack of large hot Italian sausages, a pack of cheese sausages, a pack of chicken drumsticks, a large can of Full City Dark coffee, and a box of spoon sized shredded wheat. 

            I weighed 89.2 kilos at 18:20. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 20:00. 

            I tried again to digitize a cassette tape but the right channel kept dropping out. It comes back if move the receiver but then drops out again. Tomorrow I’m going to take it to AMI electronics to see if Doctor Moz can fix it. 

            I had a potato with gravy and two chicken drumsticks while watching the sixth season finale of The Carol Burnett Show. It’s a family show, meaning it only features the regular cast with no special guests. 

            They begin with a song and dance about how much they love their family tree. During the audience warmup someone asks Carol what was her favourite movie of the year. She says she liked all of the movies that were nominated but was disappointed that The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds starring Joanne Woodward and directed by Paul Newman was not nominated, and says it’s one of the best films she’s ever seen. 

            She brings Vicki Lawrence out and tells everybody about her record, “The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia” that was written by Vicki’s husband Bobby Russell. She then surprises Vicki by announcing that it sold a million copies and then presents her with a gold record. 

            A young woman named Cindy says she’s a fan of Lyle Waggoner. Lyle comes out and asks if she wants a kiss and then says that since he doesn’t know her he wants to do this right. He brings a small table, two chairs, two glasses and a bottle of wine onto the stage and then escorts Cindy up to sit down. They have a drink and then he kisses her.

            In the first skit a little girl brings two dolls into her bedroom and lays them down onto a toy bed. She says goodnight to Barbrie and Ben and then leaves the room. After the girl leaves, Barbrie and Ben, played by Carol and Harvey, come to life. She accuses him of peeking when the girl changes her outfits. Then they hear her coming back and so they return to the bed. She puts another doll in bed beside them and leaves. He introduces himself as G.I. Jack, Barbrie likes him and Ben is jealous. The girl returns with another doll she puts beside them, played by Vicki. They ask her name and they all jump away from the bed when she tells them “Betsy Wetsy”. 

            The Ernie Flatt Dancers, dressed as very colourful exaggerations of hillbillies and split into two distinctly coloured groups do a mock dance-fight to the tune of the 1954 composition “Duelling Banjos” by Arthur “Guitar Boogie” Smith and made famous by the soundtrack of the 1972 film Deliverance. 

            Vicki and Lyle play jewel thieves who have just robbed a jewellery store and the area is flooded with cops. They decide to hide in a movie theatre that is playing a film called The Danish Wife. The film however is one of those sexually explicit European movies that tend to embarrass prudish Anglo North Americans like Vickie’s character. She says she may be a thief but she does it with her clothes on. She is ready to call the police to get the theatre busted when the police enter the theatre looking for the jewel thieves. But when the cops see the scenes on the screen they are transfixed and sit down. Vickie and Lyle leave and he even gets one of the cops to pass him the satchel full of diamonds that he left by his seat. 

            Dr. Jones and Dr. Kointz, orthopaedic specialists in bones and joints have opened up a new office together. They celebrate with a drink and sing the 19th Century song “Dem Bones” by James Wheldon Johnson and James Rosamund Johnson. Then they sing specifically in praise of the elbow.

            There is a parody of the movie “Ransom Harvest” called “Rancid Harvest”. In an English hospital in 1918 there is an amnesia patient played by Harvey. The star of the local music hall, Gwendoline and her magic squeezebox comes to entertain the patients. She is however so involved in her routine at the expense of the patients that she furthers their injuries and so they all escape except for the amnesia patient. She decides to call him Peter and invites him to her cottage in the country. She falls for him and then discovers from his picture in the paper that he is the missing Sir Charles, the richest lord in London. She conceals this fact from him to keep him to herself. She tells him that he asked her to marry him and she accepts. He says he’s going to go find a justice of the peace but she says he shouldn’t go out because all amnesia victims get hit by taxi cabs. He says that only happens in bad movies but then he goes out and gets hit by a cab. He is returned to his estate where he eventually recovers and returns to his vicious and rotten personality. Gwendoline gets herself hired as his secretary but he doesn’t remember her. As she insists they are lovers he calls for help but gets hit by the door when his fiancé opens it and remembers himself as the gentle Peter again. But when his fiancé realizes what has occurred she hits him over the head again, changing him back. But then both Charles and Gwendoline get hit by the door and Peter returns but Gwendoline is gone. He tells her she has amnesia and she says, “My name is Amnesia? I’m a Greek girl!” He tells her to step outside so she can get hit by a cab and they live happily ever after. 

            As always in the season finale, the show ends with the Charwoman sweeping up on the Carol Burnett set. Trick cinematography puts several of her characters together: Zelda, Chiquita, Nora, and Alice Portnoy and they all sing together about being together. Then Carol sings the long version of her theme song, kisses the head of the same one bald guy asleep in his seat and leaves the theatre. 

            One of the writers for this episode was Jay Tarses. He went on to create the TV series The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd; and The Slap Maxwell Story. He co-created the sitcoms Open All Night, The Tony Randall Show, and Buffalo Bill. He was an executive producer of The Bob Newhart Show. He co-created, co-wrote, and co-starred in the British sitcom Revolting People. He co-starred in the sitcom The Duck Factory. He co-wrote The Great Muppet Caper and The Muppets Take Manhattan.

May 15, 1996: I tried to get a lawyer but 1996 was the worst year for legal aid

Thirty years ago today 

            On Wednesday I tried to get legal aid to help fight my eviction but the Mike Harris Conservative government had taken a severe bite out of Legal Aid spending. He cut $153 million from the program, making 1996 the most restrictive year in Ontario Legal Aid history. I filed a dispute and got a court date for June 27 but I couldn’t get a lawyer to represent me.

Tom Patchett

            On Wednesday morning I memorized the fourth verse of L'anguille (The Eel) by Boris Vian. 

            I finished memorizing “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg and I translated most of the first verse. Tomorrow I’ll work on finishing the translation. 

            I weighed 87.85 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since April 15. 

            I played my Kramer electric for the last of two sessions and it stayed in tune. 

            I called AMI electronics to ask Oscar Moz if he could repair my stereo receiver in one day. He said he can do rush orders. I’ll take my Yamaha there on Friday. 

            I went downtown to buy candy to send to my daughter. The Bulk Mine at 655 Yonge has changed its name to Sweet Britannia. They’ve covered up the Union Jack design at the front with a pink sign but it’s all the same stuff inside. I got mostly sour stuff because that’s what I know Astrid likes but also some Eccles cakes and a few other things. I went to Ricardo’s at Eaton Centre and got a few things but mostly three cans of unusually flavoured Dr. Pepper. Astrid has been famous since high school for her love of Dr. Pepper. 

            I weighed 88.9 kilos at 15:45. That’s the same as the early afternoon of May 2. 

            I weighed 89.4 kilos at 18:15. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, two sliced souvlakis and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 6, episode 16 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup Carol says that after she did a parody of Charo, Charo’s husband Xavier Cugat sent her a painting he did and on the back there was a note from Charo expressing her admiration for her. 

            In the first skit they demonstrate how they censor themselves while writing their skits so as not to offend anyone. They remove the name Applebaum because it’s too Jewish; they remove the name Jones because the actor’s not black; they remove Vitelli because the prop man has a friend named Vitelli who’s in the hospital; so they have to remove the husband being deported to Sicily and change it to Topeka; Carol says a husband deported to Topeka sounds silly so they say make it your sister; but then they don’t want to offend any nuns; they change it to brother but that might offend monks; so they make it a dog but the boom man is a dog lover and doesn’t want to hear about dogs being deported. In the end all that’s left of the skit is “Good morning Miss Smith” and “Goodnight Mrs. Johnson”. 

            Ruth Buzzi sings about wanting to become the person she fantasizes that she really is. That person is kind of a parody of a combination of Janis Joplin and Tina Turner. 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch Carol thinks Roger is seeing another woman. She tells Chrissie about it and then goes to the bedroom to cry. Roger comes home upset because he just got into a car accident with a woman. Carol comes out to talk with him but he says he has things on his mind. She asks if it’s another woman and he says yes. She asks how it happened and he says it wasn’t his fault. She says she knows. He says “She hit me like a ton of bricks”. She asks, “Is she pretty?” and he says “I suppose so”. “Is she married?” “Yeah” “Does her husband know about it?” “I hope so” “What are you gonna do?” “The problem is do I get an attorney or settle out of court?” He goes to the bedroom to think things out before she gets here. “She’s coming here?” “Of course. We have to settle this whole affair once and for all”. The woman comes to the door and says she’d like to talk to Carol’s husband about their little accident, then she takes off her coat. Carol sees she’s pregnant and faints. 

            Carol plays a bride who will be doing the wedding march in a matter of minutes. Her father (played by Jack Gilford) comes in very nervous. He sings “I’m Calm” by Stephen Sondheim from the 1962 musical A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. He then sings “More I Cannot Wish You” by Frank Loesser from the 1950 musical Guys and Dolls. 

            In the George and Zelda sketch, George is watching a pirate movie. Zelda comes out to nag him before telling him he’ll be sleeping on the couch. He fantasizes about being a pirate captain but Zelda invades his fantasy. His men mutiny and say they’ll chain him and Zelda together, so George jumps overboard. All the other men jump in the ocean to avoid being with Zelda as well. 

            Carol sings “Love’s the Only Game in Town” by John Williams, Alan Bergman, and Marilyn Bergman from the 1972 movie Pete ‘n’ Tillie that Carol co-starred in with Walter Matthau. 

            The final skit tells the story of Snow White and the prince, fifteen years later. Snow White is a disgruntled housewife in a castle. Under her costume we see exaggeratedly sagging breasts. She looks in the magic mirror and asks how she looks. He says she’s now the 906th fairest in the land. The prince has no interest in her anymore. Snow White wishes her life could be different and then her fairy godmother appears. She’s very elderly but Snow recognizes her even though there was no fairy godmother in the Snow White story. The fairy grants her the wish of being happy ever after. There’s a knock on the door and it’s Bashful, one of the seven dwarves. She recognizes him after he grabs her and kisses her. He still thinks she’s the fairest of them all. The witch arrives with an apple and this time the prince eats it. He collapses and goes into the coma but first says how disgusted he would be if Snow White were to kiss him. Snow White goes with Bashful to live with the seven dwarves again and live happily ever after. 

            One of the writers of the Carol Burnett Show was Tom Patchett. He also wrote for The Bob Newhart Show, Buffalo Bill, and Alf (which he co-created). He wrote the screenplays for The Muppets Take Manhattan and The Great Muppet Caper. He founded the contemporary art gallery Track 16 in 1994.

May 14, 1996: I received my eviction notice from Helga Schlatter

Thirty years ago today

            On Tuesday I received my eviction notice Form 6 from Helga Schlatter and Peter Bird telling me I had to “deliver up vacant possession and occupation of the premises: Main Floor – Shared Kitchen at 111 Sheridan Avenue, M6K 2G8.” The date given for me to leave was by July 31. The reasons listed were that I had caused damage to the premises, disturbed their enjoyment of the premises, and had impaired the safety “or other lawful right, privilege or interest of” Helga and Peter. I got why they claimed I’d disturbed them because of late night conversations with friends, but I really didn’t get what damage they were going to claim I’d caused or what safety they were going to claim I’d impaired. Of course I was going to fight this eviction because it wasn’t fair.

Lily Tomlin

            On Tuesday morning I memorized the third verse of L'anguille (The Eel) by Boris Vian. 

            I worked on memorizing the sixth and final verse of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo). There’s a good chance I’ll have the song in my head tomorrow and then I’ll start translating it. 

            I weighed 88.45 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Kramer electric during song practice for the first of two sessions and it stayed in tune. 

            Around midday I rode up to Sham Florists at Dufferin and Dundas to see if they could coordinate with a florist in Montreal to send some flowers to my daughter. I did the same thing a few years ago and my daughter liked it. I picked out two or three flowers of each kind I liked, knowing that the florist in Montreal might have to approximate them. I said I’d set my budget for the flowers at $75 and they added the possible delivery fee on top. They didn’t take debit and so I paid $107.35 in cash. 

            I rode to Made You Look to pick up my amethyst, which they couldn’t polish but cleaned with water and soda at no charge. They made it quite sparkly with the washing. They put it in a fancy gift box with a ribbon around it even though I didn’t pay them anything. Everybody is so nice there I feel almost guilty about having no interest in jewellery. 

            I got a notice from the Attorney General’s office telling me I’ve been randomly selected to complete a mandatory jury eligibility form and have to do it within 30 days. I doubt if I’d be selected since I have a criminal record from when the cops planted drugs on me. 

            I weighed 89.5 kilos before lunch, which is the lightest I’ve been in the early afternoon since May 2. 

            I took a siesta and was woken by a call from Sham Florists. The Montreal florists didn’t have most of the flowers I’d selected, including the birds of paradise. I just said to pick purple, red, blue, and yellow and exotic. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 89.4 kilos at 18:00. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 19:45. 

            I worked again on trying to record with both channels from cassette through audio interface to Audacity. At first I could only get the left channel. I reached around to the back and pushed the output jacks in hard. That seemed to help and I was able to record one take of my song “Seven Shades of Blues” but part of the way into the second take I lost the right channel again. I pushed the jacks again but it didn’t help this time. For many years I’ve had the problem that sometimes my right speaker goes off but it often just takes shifting the amplifier from side to side to come back. I’d always thought that this was just about the speaker connection but the speaker wouldn’t affect me recording since I’m running a line from the amp to the audio interface. It seems that the problem all along might have been coming from inside the amp. A connection might need to be soldered. I might have to take it to AMI Electronics to get Dr. Oscar Moz to fix it. But then I’d be without a stereo for a few days. I wonder if he makes house calls. 

            I grilled eight chicken drumsticks and had two with a potato and gravy while watching season 6, episode 9 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            Instead of the usual audience warmup with questions and answers, the show begins with a song and dance number. Carol sings the 1970 song “We’re All Playing in the Same Band” by Bert Sommer. Then Steve Lawrence and Lily Tomlin join in. They segué into the 1970 song “I Believe in Music” by Mac Davis. 

            Lily does a monologue while sitting alone at a restaurant table after having been ditched by her computer date. She filled out one card for $2 and got 104 dates. It might have helped that she said in her profile that she was a good sport. She lights a cigar, tosses the lighter in the air and catches it in her inside vest pocket. She says one of the 104 matches might be Mr. Right. He’ll love her, cherish her, and make all of her dreams come true. Then she’ll hurt him. 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch Carol gets a call from her old college friend Shirley Martin. She’s crying after having finalized her divorce today so Carol invites her over to try and cheer her up. Roger wants to go for his golf lesson but Carol convinces him to stay at least for a few minutes to make Shirley feel welcome. But when Shirley arrives she is not only not depressed but she is upbeat and vivacious and so sexy that Roger decides to skip his golf lesson. She’s flirtatious with Roger, so Carol becomes increasingly jealous. Carol asks why she was crying over the phone and Shirley explains that they were tears of joy. She and Roger dance although Roger hasn’t danced since before he and Carol got married. Shirley leaves for a date with her first husband. Carol is mad at Roger and makes fun of his dancing. He does the funky chicken again and she cracks up. Roger throws out his back. He’s bent over and can’t straighten up so he asks Carol to help him so he can go to his golf lesson. Carol breaks one of his clubs and hands him the end so he can play golf bent over. 

            Steve Lawrence sings the 1939 song “I Get Along Without You Very Well (Except Sometimes) by Hoagy Carmichael and Jane Brown Thompson, and then segués into the 1970 song “Without You” by Pete Ham and Tom Evans that was a hit for Harry Nilsson in 1971. 

            Carol plays Nancy, the naïve new wife of a parody of Don Coleone (played by Steve with cotton in his mouth) in a spoof on The Godfather. They are about to begin their honeymoon when Guido arrives and embraces the Don. The Don kisses Guido on the mouth, causing Nancy confusion. Then the Don’s men shoot Guido. The Don and Nancy are kissing when Pasquale (played by Harvey) comes in as someone from the old country begging the Don for help but only Nancy seems to notice him. The Don carries Nancy to the bed and the Don strips to his pajamas as Pasquale does too and gets into bed beside them as he continues to tell his story with ridiculous facts like “my cow had dandruff”. Pasquale reminds the Don he’s known him 15 years and never asked a favour. He asks him for $10 till Monday. The Don asks, “What do I look like? A Bank?” Pasquale asks alternatively if he’ll arrange for him to become a US senator. The Don calls for three of his men and they crawl out from under the bed. He tells them to take Pasquale to Washington and make him a senator. Nancy says there’s a lot she doesn’t understand. Don says he doesn’t know much about her either. She tells him her name is Nancy Ravioli and suddenly he is terrified. He asks if she’s related to his enemy Hy Ravioli. She says she’s his son Kevin and then she shoots him. 

            Lily plays a sadistic prison guard named Muncey Ripka and Carol plays a tough prisoner named Spike de Bouvoir. An elderly prisoner steps forward to talk to Mincey but Muncey slaps her face and tells her she doesn’t play favourites, adding “Get that through your head mom!” Spike is thrown into a cell with a dumb prisoner named Vicki who plays the harmonica. Spike compliments her on her playing and then Vicki shows her hands are empty and says she can’t wait till she gets a harmonica. Spike asks how long she’s been there and Vicki shows her several marks on the wall that she’s drawn to indicate her time. She says pretty soon it’ll be a whole day. Spike tells Vicki her escape plan and she takes notes. Then she passes the note to Muncey who tortures Spike by running her fingernails over a chalkboard. This breaks Spike and she says she’ll submit. Spike receives a cale from the Concealed Weapon Cake Company. There’s a file inside and Vickie starts filing her nails. Spike uses the file to pick the lock and when Muncey comes to crack her knuckles Spike captures her and gets her gun. She’s about to leave with Muncey as a hostage when they are approached by Spike’s brother Father Mike the priest. While Spike is distracted Muncey grabs for the gun and they struggle until it goes off and Muncey dies. Mike tells Spike she’ll get the chair now and they walk down the hall until their large breasted Jewish mother (played by Harvey) arrives with her hand on the governor’s ear by which she’s dragged him there and forced him to pardon Spike. But Spike and Mike find her so overbearing they’d rather both go to the chair. 

            Carol’s Charwoman cleans up in the dressing room of a burlesque house. She puts on some of the accessories and sings “If My Friends Could See Me Now” by Cy Coleman and Dorothy Fields from the 1966 musical Sweet Charity. Then she does a duet in the mirror with a fancy version of herself in the mirror of the song “Baby Dream Your Dream” from the same musical.

            Lily Tomlin was born the day WWII started. She studied acting under Charles Nelson Reilly at HB Studio in Greenwich Village. She started her career doing standup comedy in Detroit and then New York. Dje made her TV debut on The Merv Griffin Show. She became famous for the characters she portrayed on Laugh-In. She won a Grammy for her album This is a Recording in 1971. She won an Emmy for her TV special Lily. She made her film debut in Nashville for which she was nominated for an Oscar. She made her Broadway debut in the one woman show Appearing Nitely in 1977. She won a Tony for her one woman show The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe. She co-starred in The Late Show, 9 to 5, Grace and Frankie, All of Me, Big Business, Flirting with Disaster, 80 for Brady, Moving On, She starred in Moment by Moment, The Incredible Shrinking Woman, A Prairie Home Companion, Grandma, The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe, She was the voice Miss Frizzle on The Magic School Bus and of Aunt May in Spiderman Into the Spiderverse. She played Murphy’s boss on Murphy Brown. During her Las Vegas show she was her own opening act as the lounge singer Tommy Velour. Before a one woman show in New York she dressed as a nurse and handed out coffee to people waiting in line for the show. She won the Mark Twain Prize for Humour in 2003. She said, “Reality is a crutch for people that can’t cope with drugs”. She published an autobiography of her character Edith Ann called My Life in 1995.