July 18, 1996: I got my phone connected

Thirty years ago today

            On Thursday I got my phone connected at my new place.

Jaye P. Morgan

            On Wednesday morning I placed the chords for the third and fourth verses and the second chorus of “La complainte de Bonnot” by Boris Vian according to the pattern of the first and second verses and the first chorus. The last verse is the same as the first and so for now I gave it the same chords. So far I only had time to check if the chords for the third verse fit, and they do. On Thursday I’ll see if the rest are correct. 

            I memorized the second verse of “Je t’aime. Moi aussi” (I Love You. So Do I). I transcribed the chords from the second verse of “Je t’aime. Moi non plus” (I Love You. Neither Do I) and placed them on the second verse of the parody. There are only four lines left to nail down so I might have it done tomorrow. 

            I weighed 89.05 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since July 7. 

            I played my Kramer during song practice and it stayed in tune more than half the time. 

            While I was playing and singing I saw two guys from The City of Toronto finally come to replace the bike post ring in front of my place, seven months after I reported to them that it had been knocked off by a snowplow. I gave them the old ring and told them how long ago I’d called them. He said they just got the paperwork that day. 

            Today I had to do laundry and wanted to wash both pairs of shorts but wanted something cool to wear. I tried cutting off a pair of jeans at the point they were ripped but they were so short it that if I wore them I would have looked like an old hustler. So I cut off an old pair of dockers at the point where they were torn. They didn’t look too short when I was standing but when I was on my bike the pockets hung down below the cut-offs and it looked ridiculous, but they served their purpose. 

            I weighed 89.3 kilos at 16:10. 

            My daughter Astrid and I were going to watch Wednesday in the evening on Discord but she messaged me while I was doing laundry that she would be sleeping in the evening and offered to watch it at our alternative time of 13:00. I wouldn’t have been able to and so we’ll be skipping watching the show this week. 

            I took a siesta and slept an extra hour. 

            I weighed 90.25 kilos at 19:55. 

            I was still a day behind in my journal and worked on catching up but remained behind at suppertime. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with rosée tomato sauce, tomato pesto, wedge oven fries, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 10, episode 19 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            In the Tudball-Wiggins sketch, Tudball asks Mrs. Wiggins where she is going on her one week vacation and she tells him Vegas. He suggests she try blackjack and she asks, “Who’s he?” He tries to explain that it’s a game and how it is played but she doesn’t understand. He suggests they play the game for real money so she can learn it. She says, “I thought your wife made you promise you wouldn’t gamble anymore”. He says they don’t have to tell her. She tries to bet a nickel but he tells her she has to bet at least $2 in Vegas. She gets 21 on the very first deal and wins $3 because one wins one and a half times what one bet. She bets all $5 for the next game. She is dealt two cards and doesn’t want any more. Tudball ends up busting with 27. Wiggins reveals she only has two threes but wins. Now she has $10 but says she has to get back to work. Tudball wants to keep playing. He offers her a chance to double her money and has her pick a card from the deck. He asks her what the card is and she says the four of hearts. He declares that it’s the four of hearts and that he wins but then she says, “Or is it the four of spades?” He looks and sees it’s the four of clubs so she wins since he didn’t guess her card. Mrs. Wiggins is about to leave for her one week vacation when the phone rings and it’s Mrs. Tudball. He begs Wiggins not to tell his wife he was gambling. Wiggins asks him if she should tell her or if she should leave for her two week vacation. 

            Eydie Gormé sings “What I Did For Love” by Marvin Hamlisch and Edward Kleban from the 1975 musical A Chorus Line. 

            When she is done, Carol comes out and says, “Brave, sad Eydie! I know how you must be suffering”. “What are you talking about? I’m not suffering.” “I hated finding out about you and Steve Lawrence the way I did”. “What about us?” Then Carol shows her a gossip magazine and reads, “Eydie spilled the beans that when Steve started hitting the sauce she threw in the towel”. Eydie tells her she has to read under the headlines: “On the Dinah Shore Show Eydie Gormé spilled the beans she was preparing when her husband Steve Lawrence was adding barbecue sauce to the recipe. Eydie then threw in a towel and caught most of it”. Then Eydie reads the headline, “Carol Burnett confesses that she’s a streetwalker and loves it”. Underneath it reads that Carol loves to exercise even if it’s a walk on the street”. They both swear off gossip magazines but then Eydie reads that the Bionic Woman tells how she got the parts. 

            Carol plays Mrs. Ferguson, whose husband has just been kidnapped. The police have just finished questioning her and now reporter Leo McKenzie comes with a film crew to interview her. She gives an emotional account of receiving the call from the kidnappers who said they had Arthur. They demanded a large sum of money or else he would be killed. When she’s done one of the technicians says the sound wasn’t right so she is asked to repeat the same account with the same emotion. When she’s done she says she wants to do another take because she thinks she can do it better. Her next account is extremely over dramatized. When they are gone she calls up a friend and is thrilled to announce that she’s going to be on the prime time news. 

            In the Mama’s Family sketch Ed is home alone looking for food only to find that there’s no bread and no crackers. Then Eunice and Mama arrive with Eunice carrying a big box. Eunice has bought clothes and accessories to wear because she is going to perform on a national TV show. Ed is angry that she’s been ignoring her duties as a housewife and a mother but Eunice is unrepentant because she thinks she’ll be a star after her appearance and may get a regular part on a TV series. She triumphantly reads out loud the letter she received telling her they enjoyed her audition and would love to have her perform on The Gong Show. Ed complains about the expenses and her air fare but Eunice argues that altogether everything costs about $500. In 15 years of marriage she hasn’t asked for anything for herself. $500 dollars over 15 years amounts to about 5 cents a day. She tells Ed for him to hire somebody to do what she’s done for him and see how much it costs. Mama suggests to Ed that he should be paying her to take care of his kids while Eunice is gone. Ed tells her to get her hand out of his pocket and reminds her that he didn’t charge her anything to lay her linoleum, fix her toilet and put up her screen door. Eunice rehearses her song, which is the 1974 song “Feelings” by Morris Albert and Louis Gasté. In the middle of the song Eunice adds a monologue about feelings that she had once when she skinned her knee while skipping rope, how she had her heart broken in high school, and how she feels when she sees the morning sun caressing the walls of the grain emporium. Then she finishes the song. Ed suggests that she might get gonged but Eunice says they only gong the bad acts and not class acts like hers. Flash forward to The Gong Show backstage as Eunice is one act away from going on. Ed calls her and asks when she’s coming home but Eunice says she’s never coming home. She’s going to buy a big house with a pool and a bodyguard to keep him and Mama off her property. Chuck Barris introduces Eunice Higgins and she starts singing “Feelings”. When she gets to the chorus we see the panel reacting. Jamie Farr looks like he’s in pain, Jaye P. Morgan is holding her ears, and Allen Ludden is cringing as well. They all hit the gong together before she’s done with the chorus. We see that Eunice is devastated. 

            Carol and Eydie do a salute to the songs of Hollywood. They sing “Hooray for Hollywood” by Richard A. Whiting and Johnny Mercer from the 1937 film Hollywood Hotel. Eydie sings “The Way We Were” by Marvin Hamlisch and Alan and Marilyn Bergman from the 1973 movie of the same name. They sing “Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head” by Burt Bacharach and Hal David from the 1969 film Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. They sing “Born Free” by John Barry and Don Black from the 1966 movie of the same name. Then “What’s New Pussycat?” by Bacharach and David from the 1965 film. They sing “Chim Chim Cheree” by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman from the 1965 movie Mary Poppins. They sing “If You Feel Like Singing Sing” by Harry Warren and Mack Gordon from the 1950 movie Summer Stock. They sing “Be a Clown” and “Mack the Black” by Cole Porter from the 1948 film The Pirate. They sing “The Trolley Song” and “The Boy Next Door” by Ralph Blane and Hugh Martin from the 1944 movie Meet Me in St Louis. “Over the Rainbow” and “We’re Off to See the Wizard” by Harold Arlen and Yip Harburg from the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz. “Thanks for the Memory” by Ralph Rainger and Leo Robin from The Big Broadcast of 1938. “I’m Wishing” and “Whistle While You Work” by Frank Churchill and Larry Morey from the 1937 movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. “Theme from San Franciso” by Bronislaw Kaper, Walter Jurmann, and Gus Kahn from the 1936 film San Francisco. “Top Hat White Tie and Tails” by Irving Berlin from the 1935 film Top Hat. “I Won’t Dance” by Jerome Kern and Dorothy Fields from the 1935 film Roberta. “Let Yourself Go” by Berlin from the 1936 film Follow the Fleet. “The Continental” by Con Conrad and Herb Magidson from the 1934 film The Gay Divorcee. Eydie sings part of a song in Spanish. Then “Lullaby of Broadway” by Harry Warren and Al Dubin from the 1935 film. “42nd Street” by Warren and Dubin from the 1933 film. Carol sings “On the Good Ship Lollipop” by Richard A. Whiting and Sidney Clare from the 1934 film Bright Eyes. Eydie sings “Stay as Sweet as You Are” by Harry Revel and Mack Gordon from the 1934 film College Rhythm. Carol sings Animal Crackers in My Soup by Irving Caesar and Ted Koehler from the 1935 movie Curly Top. “Should I Reveal” by Nacio Herb Brown and Arthur Freed from the 1929 film Lord Byron of Broadway. “Am I Blue” by Harry Akst and Grant Clarke from the 1929 film On With the Show. “Keep Your Sunny Side Up” by Rau Henderson, B.G. De Sylva and Lew Brown from the 1929 movie Sunny Side Up. “Sonny Boy” by the same three from the 1928 movie The Singing Fool. “My Mammy” by Walter Donaldson, Joe Young and Sam M. Lewis from the 1927 movie The Jazz Singer. As usual they finish with the song that started them off but this time they are shown standing in front of the actual Hollywood sign as the camera is probably pulling away in a helicopter. 

            Jaye P. Morgan graduated from high school in 1949 and sought a career as a cabaret singer. She sang with the Frank de Vol Orchestra and her first big hit was “Life Is Just a Bowl of Cherries” in 1951. From 1954 to 1955 she was a vocalist on the show Stop the Music. In 1955 she had five hits: “All I Want from You” hit #5, “The Longest Walk” was #6, “Danger Heartbreak Ahead” and “If You Don’t Want My Love” both reached #12, and “Pepper Hot Baby” made it to #14. She was a regular vocalist on the Robert Q. Lewis Show. In 1959 her version of “Are You Lonesome Tonight” made it to #65 before Elvis recorded it. She sang the theme song for the 1975 sitcom Fay. She made several appearances on Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show. From 1976 to 1978 she was a regular panelist on The Gong Show” until she was fired for exposing her breasts.

July 17, 1996: I saw my former landlady come home with her newborn bundle of psycho

Thirty years ago today

            On Wednesday morning I was packing the rest of my stuff at 111 Sheridan Avenue when I noticed my now former landlady Helga Schlatter come home from the hospital with her newborn bundle of future psycho. Brian Haddon used his car to help me move the remainder of my things to the new place at 428 Queen West.

Ken Darby

            On Tuesday morning I saw a lot of bedbugs. My landlord should be in jail for his negligence. 

            I worked out the chords for the chorus of “La complainte de Bonnot” by Boris Vian. That probably completes the chord pattern for the song but I’ll find out for sure tomorrow. 

            I weighed 90.2 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since June 29. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time. 

            I sanded the inside edge and the underside where the glass sits of my future bathroom mirror frame to prepare it for painting. I discovered a few days ago after thinking that I’d finished painting the frame that some of the unpainted underside of the mirror frame is visible in the reflection. I’d never really noticed before but the big mirrors above my mantles also show the unpainted undersides of the frame. 

            I weighed 90.75 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and as I was passing Long and McQuade I saw my old friend Tom Smarda. The last time I saw him was about a year and a half ago when he came to my book launch. He’s looking old and gaunt. We chatted for about ten minutes. He says he’s preparing for his annual camping trip up north and was just buying some extra guitar strings. 

            When I got home I went over to the liquor store to buy a six-pack of Creemore. 

            I weighed 89.2 kilos at 18:00. July 5 was the last evening when I was so easy on the scale. 

            I was still a day behind in my journal and worked on getting caught up but remained behind at suppertime. 

            It was too hot to use the stove so I just had a cold chicken leg with chips, salsa and skyr, plus a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 10, episode 17 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone asks Carol if her kids are interested in showbusiness. She says she’d encourage them because she’s having a good time but not until they finish school. They all did get into the business in different ways. 

            Someone asks Carol if her hair is naturally red. She pretends to avoid the question but shakes her head and shows her roots. 

            In the Mr. Tudball-Mrs. Wiggins sketch, Mr. Tudball can see through his office window that his secretary Mrs. Wiggins is just sitting at her desk and staring into space. He asks her what she’s doing and she says she’s getting ready to go to lunch. She has a date and is thinking of what restaurant he should take her. Tudball asks what happened to her husband. She says they split up a couple of weeks ago. He asks sarcastically if they argued about the theory of relativity. She says without understanding that his relatives had nothing to do with it. Tudball tells her that there are still fifteen minutes before lunch and suggests that she do some work. She says she can sharpen some pencils. The sharpener is on the wall and she moves her behind to the rhythm of turning the crank. Her date Arnold (played by Rock Hudson) arrives with flowers. She says she told him not to pick her up until noon. She tells him to stand in the corner and so he does, facing the wall like a child in school being punished. Tudball puts his hand on Wiggins’s shoulder and tells Arnold they make a nice couple. Arnold tells Tudball that if he doesn’t take his arm off her shoulder he’s going to take his arm off his shoulder. Arnold says they’re having lunch on his yacht. He owns a chain of 120 hardware stores. Wiggins says boats make her sick and she wants to have lunch at the Chili Schnitzel. Wiggins goes to get washed up and Tudball tells Arnold that he met Wiggins two years ago in the hospital when she was in for some brain tests. Wiggins is ready to go but the phone rings and it’s for her. She says “Yeah” four times and then hangs up. She orders Arnold to go and stand in the corner again. She tells Tudball that it was her husband on the phone and they are getting back together. She wants Tudball to break it to Arnold but Tudball suggests she tell him herself. She says her husband doesn’t want her to talk with strange men. Tudball tells him and then Arnold falls to his knees starts begging Wiggins not to leave him. She says “No!” and he says there’s nothing left to live for. But then an attractive woman comes into the office by mistake looking for a different business and suddenly Arnold gives her the flowers he brought for Wiggins and follows her out. 

            Steve Lawrence sings “You Take My Heart Away” by Bill Conti, Ayn Robbins, and Carol Connors from the 1976 film Rocky. 

            Carol and Rock play Linda and Steve Bradshaw, a married couple who are also news anchors. She’s mad at him and expresses it through her reading of the headlines while he responds in kind. Every line of their argument is a quote of someone in the news. He speaks of storm warnings and advises extreme caution. She says divorce rates are up because of middle aged husbands who are insecure about their masculinity. He says a study shows that women who compete for men’s jobs suffer from a loss of sex appeal. He confesses his transgression and asks for forgiveness through his reading of the headlines. She says later she’ll be hosting For Housewives Only when she’ll be discussing "Making His Guilt Your Gain". 

            Carol, Harvey, Vicki, and Tim come out in black formal wear to give what looks like a classical performance. They proceed to do the 1939 song “In The Mood” by Wingy Manone, Andy Razaf, and Joe Garland but they do it entirely in chicken voices (bahk bahk bahk), with Carol doing the lead and the others doing the harmonies. 

            Vicki and Harvey play a married couple who have arranged to meet another couple played by Carol and Steve in a restaurant. Vicki and Harvey have chosen Carol and Steve to serve as the guardians of their children in case anything should happen to them. Up until now they have avoided taking planes, trains, or even elevators together so their kids don’t lose both parents at the same time. Carol and Steve speak of how honoured they are and how much they love Vicki and Harvey’s children. But Carol presents herself as a heavy drinker and she and Steve argue over the slightest thing. Carol suggests Steve is cheating on her. Vicki and Harvey leave the table briefly and Carol and Steve discuss that they think their plan is working to scare Vicki and Harvey away from having them be guardians of their brats. Vicki and Harvey return and say they’ve made up their minds. Carol and Steve argue just as much as they do and they think that it would make their kids feel right at home to have them as guardians.

            Their musical tribute is to the songs of Jule Styne. They begin with “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” with lyrics by Stephen Sondheim from the 1959 musical Gypsy. Steve and Harvey sing “Together (Wherever We Go)” and “All I Need is the Girl” from the same musical. Harvey and Vicki sing the 1945 song “It’s Been a Long Long Time” with lyrics by Sammy Cahn. Carol and Steve sing “It’s Magic” with lyrics by Cahn from the 1947 film Romance On the High Seas. Rock sings “People” with lyrics by Bob Merrill from the 1964 musical Funny Girl. Steve sings “Comes Once in a Lifetime” with lyrics by Betty Comden and Adolph Green from the 1961 musical Subways Are for Sleeping. Carol sings “I’m Just a Little Girl from Little Rock” with lyrics by Leo Robin from the 1949 musical Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Then she sings “I’ve Heard That Song Before” with lyrics by Cahn from the 1942 film Youth On Parade. Then she sings “Small World” also from Gypsy. Then “The Second Time You Meet” with lyrics by Cahn from the 1957 musical Say Darling (except Carol changes the lyric from “We have so much in common” to “We have nothing in common”. Rock and Carol sing “You Are Woman I Am Man” with lyrics by Merrill from Funny Girl. They kiss but then Steve separates them and sings “You’re My Girl” with lyrics by Cahn from the 1947 musical High Button Shoes. But she grabs Rock and sings, “You’ll Never Get Away From Me” from Gypsy. The sing the 1941 song “I Don’t Want to Walk Without You Baby” with lyrics by Frank Loesser. Steve grabs another girl and sings, “Just in Time” with lyrics by Comden and Green from the 1956 musical Bells Are Ringing. Vicki sings to Harvey “The Party’s Over” from Bells Are Ringing. Harvey sings “Five Minutes More” with lyrics by Cahn from the 1946 film Sweetheart of Sigma Chi. Everybody sings “Bye Bye Baby” with lyrics by Leo Robin from the 1949 musical Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. 

            The Ernie Flatt Dancers always appear to be singing during chorus segments but apparently they were always lip synching to vocals by the Ken Darby Singers who were not credited. 

            Ken Darby founded The King’s Men in 1929. They performed on radio (Fibber McGee and Molly from 1940 to 1953), on records, in film (Honolulu in which they parodied The Marx Brothers musically), and later on TV. His group The Ken Darby singers can be heard on Bing Crosby’s recording of “White Christmas”. He was a writer and production supervisor for Walt Disney. He was musical and choral director for Song of the South. With lyricist Gordon Jenkins he wrote several songs, including “How the West Was Won”, “Whispering Wind”, and “Make Mine Music”. He was the main composer and lyricist for the Elvis hit “Love Me Tender”, although he was not credited. He co-scored The King and I, South Pacific, Porgy and Bess, Flower Drum Song, and Camelot. He wrote the theme song and the soundtrack for the shows The Life and Legend of Wyatt Earp and The Adventures of Jim Bowie. He was Marilyn Monroe’s vocal coach for Gentlemen Prefer Blondes and There’s No Business Like Show Business. His film scores won three Oscars and one Grammy. He wrote The Brownstone House of Nero Wolfe in 1983.

July 16, 1996: After my open stage we went to the Country Style

Thirty years ago today

            On Tuesday night as always I hosted my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage. Afterwards we might have gone for coffee at the Country Style donut shop across the street.

On Broadway

            On Monday morning I killed at least ten bedbugs on the wall above my bed, on the baseboards near my bed and on the floor near the baseboards. There are no nests in those areas and they can’t build nests on my futon because of my bedbug proof mattress cover, so I assume their nests are under the baseboards. I’ll have to steam them again soon. 

            I worked out the chords to all but the final line of the chorus of “La complainte de Bonnot” by Boris Vian. I should have the chorus done on Tuesday and that will likely complete the chord pattern for the song. 

            I memorized the first verse of “Je t’aime. Moi aussi” (I Love You. So Do I). I transcribed the chords for the first verse of “Je t’aime. Moi non plus” (I Love You. Neither Do I) and placed them on the first verse of the parody. There are only one and a half verses left to learn. 

            I weighed 89.95 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since June 30. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it went out of tune more than half the time. 

            At 13:00 I left for the UofT School of Dentistry for my quarterly cleaning. My hygienist Villy is obviously Eastern European but I never knew from where. She mentioned this time that she’s from Bulgaria because she thinks the health care is better there. From what I’ve read there are only faster wait times in Bulgaria if you pay. She also said that Bulgarians eat more vegetables than Canadians. She might be right about that. She told me that my new student periodontist is Dr. Lambert and she says I’ll like him. I was worried because I’d gotten used to Dr. Xia but then he graduated and someone new is taking over my implant. I had to pay $215 for the cleaning. My next appointment is November 16 and then it will be covered by the federal plan. 

            I weighed 89.75 kilos at 15:45. 

            I took a siesta at 16:20 and didn’t wake up until 18:20. 

            I weighed 90.75 kilos at 19:05. June 29 was the last evening when I was so hard on the scale. 

            I was a day behind on my journal and worked on getting caught up but I was still behind at suppertime. 

            It was too hot to use the stove so I just had a cold chicken leg with salsa and skyr and a glass of Winter Beard stout. My daughter bought it for me for my birthday. It has coffee in it and the foam tastes interesting but I’m not a stout person. I ate while watching season 10, episode 16 of The Carol Burnett Show.

            During the audience warmup someone asks Carol how to overcome stage fright. She says to imagine the audience as vulnerable in some way such as sitting on the toilet. 

            Someone asks Carol how she keeps her nice shape. She says she keeps it because no one else wants it. 

            Someone with a southern US accent asks Carol where the hell she ever got the idea for the Mama’s Family skit because she has some relatives that are deeply offended. Carol says Eunice is going to go on the Gong Show in a couple of weeks. She did and I guess it was part of her show and of the Gong Show. She sang “Feelings” and got gonged. 

            Someone says he thinks Carol was a lot heavier when she was on The Garry Moore Show. She tells him he must have a fat television because she was actually a lot skinnier then. 

            Carol says she’ll be doing the play Same Time Next Year with Dick Van Dyke in a few months.

            Carol and Tim play a married couple in separate beds. The phone rings and Tim answers it. He says “Hello?”, waits a moment and then hangs up. Carol asks who was it. He says he doesn’t know because they hung up. She asks why they hung up and he says they probably had the wrong number. She asks if it’s a signal. “Is what a signal?” Your friend that called.” “He’s not my friend.” “How do you know it’s a he?” “I don’t.” “Then why did you say he?” “It’s a figure of speech.” “Is that part of your plan?” “What plan?” “To confuse me.” “How would I confuse you?” “You just said it was a he when it’s really a she.” “She who?” “Don’t ask me. She’s your friend.” “There’s no she. It’s just a wrong number.” “Is she pretty?” “Who?” “Your girlfriend!” He gets up and closes the window then gets back into bed and says, “It’s just a wrong number!” “Was that a signal?” “What?” “Closing the window?” “I closed the window because I was cold!” “Why didn’t you close it before you got the phone signal?” “I wasn’t cold before I got the signal!” “So it is a signal!” He turns on the lamp and says, “There’s no signal!”, then turns it off. “Are you sure she saw that?” “What?” “The light going on and off.” “Did who see that?” “You tell me, she’s your friend!” “Martha, go to sleep! It’s 2:30!” How did you know it was 2:30?” “Because that’s what the clock says!” “Or is it because she said she was gonna call at 2:30?” “Who?” “The girl that’s waiting outside for your signals!” “Why in your wildest imagination would I mess around with another woman? You know I love you!” Martha apologizes and admits she’s jealous. He reaffirms that he loves her and says he has to get up early. When he sees she’s asleep he gets out of bed and takes off his pajamas to show he’s dressed. He heads for the door and then we hear a shotgun being cocked. Martha says, “You open that door and I’ll blow you in half!” He waves his arms at the window and then goes back to bed. 

            Carol is sitting alone on her couch looking bored. She turns on the radio and someone sings “Saturday night is the loneliest night of the week” then she switches it off. She can hear a party going on in the apartment next door. She calls up her neighbour and asks to borrow some ice and then says she’ll be right over. She goes to her bedroom and a second later comes out all dressed for a party. She is on her way with an empty ice tray when her doorbell rings and it’s her neighbour with some ice, saying he thought he’d save her the trip and gives her a bag of ice. She calls her neighbour again, this time pretending to be the operator and tells him his neighbour’s phone is out of order but there’s an emergency and she has to call her mother. She asks if she can come in and use his phone. Soon he knocks to give her the message and invites her to come over to use his phone. But suddenly her phone rings and he hears it’s no longer out of order so he goes back to his party. Someone rings her doorbell and it’s a party invitee who got the wrong door. Carol says she was invited to the party but her date canceled and she didn’t want to go alone but suggests she could go as his escort. He surprises her by stepping into her apartment and says he was just going to the party to pick someone up but since he’s met her he doesn’t have to. He grabs her and tries to make out but she punches him so hard that he lands in the hall bumping his head against her neighbour’s door. Her neighbour opens the door and welcomes him. Then Carol’s husband (played by Tim) comes out and asks her if she’s coming to bed. She turns on the TV and it’s the end of The Carol Burnett Show. When she hears Carol sing, “I’m so glad we had this time together” she smashes the screen. 

            The Ernie Flatt dancers do a ballet, the video of which sometimes slowed down, to “Nadia’s Theme” by Barry DeVorzon and Perry Botkin. It’s the theme music for the soap opera The Young and the Restless. 

            Carol comes out in a black gown followed by Harvey and Tim in coats and tails. They bow and then Carol sits at the piano while Harvey sits in a chair with a recorder and Tim sits behind a harp. Vicki comes out and stands in front of them in a black gown. They begin to play cacophonously while Vicki sings some non-melodic parody of opera. Then they all bow. 

            In the next skit Vicki answers the door and is greeted by a vacuum cleaner salesman played by Tim. She lets him come in to demonstrate the machine. As he begins his spiel he starts crying. He suddenly says, “You’re not gonna buy it!” and starts to pack up. Vicki says she wants to see the rest of the demonstration. He says she just wants him to clean her house for her but that she won’t buy one. She tells him to sit down while she tries the vacuum cleaner out on her own. He asks if it’s going to take long. She tries it and it seems to be working great. She asks how much it is. He says he doesn’t know and throws the brochure at her for her to look it up. She sees it’s $89.50 and gives him $90. He tries to hand it back because he doesn’t have any change. She says he can keep it. He says, “Big spender!” and heads for the door. She asks for a receipt but he says “So you can come after me if it breaks down? Not on your life!” She says, “Well I’m sorry!” and he says, “You should be!” and leaves. 

            The do a parody of the 1953 movie “Torch Song”, with Carol playing Joan Crawford playing Jenny Driver. She’s a Broadway star and a diva. She has one pose she’s famous for where one leg goes out to the side. She rehearses with a male dancer and warns him that if he’s not perfect he will never work again. The men dance while she poses. Meanwhile Harvey’s extremely nearsighted character Ty Crackerbee wanders into the studio. Jenny fires her dance partner and the piano player. Ty stumbles to the piano and begins to play her theme song “Torchy Lady”. She criticizes the tempo but he insists it’s better. He says just as her song says she needs a man because she’s a woman that’s what she really needs. And if a woman doesn’t have a man she’s driven to careers and fame and fortune but she’s never happy with those things because they’re masculine and if she accepts them she loses her femininity. He walks away and she goes to her dressing room where her maid (played by Vicki) is in distress. Her husband is in the hospital and they can’t pay the bill because their children are starving. Jenny says she wishes she had problems that small and relates how her house is so big it takes days to find a bathroom. Jenny looks in her scrapbook full of thousands of rave reviews and reads one that refers to her as a radiant woodnymph. Then she remembers that Ty called her that minutes ago. Now she sees that the review of her first show was written by Ty Crackerbee. She realizes he’s loved her all these years and goes after him. He hasn’t gone far because he’s still bumping into walls trying to find the exit. He asks how she can love a man who can’t read the phone book? She says she’s read it and it’s dull. She says she’ll give up the tinsel to become his woman. They sing a song called “Goodbye Broadway”. She lists all the things she’s giving up and he lists all the things she’ll be saying hello to like washing dishes and other housework. But when he starts talking about maternity clothes and diapers she drops out of the duet. Then she trips him and kicks his thick glasses away, singing “so long four eyes and hello Broadway”. 

            Theatres were the main gathering places in most towns and cities of the US in its early years. The first New York theatre in the Broadway neighbourhood was the 2000 seat Park Theatre in 1798. In 1829 Niblo’s Garden opened on Broadway and became a major night spot with both plays and concerts. The Astor Opera House opened in 1847. The lower class audiences did not mix well with the upper class attendees and riots sometimes broke out. British actors dominated New York theatre and the first US star was Edwin Forrest. The greatest British actor of his generation was William Charles Macready. Both actors had a viciously loyal fan base. Forrest’s fans tended to be working class and anti-British. On May 7, 1849 hundreds of Forrest supporters attended a Macready performance of MacBeth at the Astor and pelted him with rotten eggs. On May 10 an even bigger riot took place and 21 to 32 people were killed mostly by the police. After the riot, theatre in New York became divided along class lines: opera for the upper classes, minstrel shows for the middle class, and variety shows for the working class. The working class variety shows evolved into vaudeville. The world’s first vaudeville theatre opened on Broadway in 1881.

July 15, 1996: I didn't want to give my landlady the satisfaction of knowing I was moving

Thirty years ago today

            On Monday I was still in the process of moving to my new place. I kept it a secret from my landlady Helga at 111 Sheridan because I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that I was complying with my court ordered eviction and wanted her to believe that I was appealing the decision. I went to the old place to pick up a tabletop and a dresser mirror and took them to 428 Queen West.