Harold Gould

            On Monday morning I ran through singing and playing verses 5 to 8 of “Ballad of a Dealer”, my translation of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. 

            I came close to memorizing the fifth and final verse of “Dessous mon pull” (Under My Sweater) by Serge Gainsbourg so there’s a good chance I’ll have it nailed down tomorrow. 

            I weighed 89.25 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since March 4. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time. 

            I weighed 89.5 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and on the way back stopped at Freshco to buy grapes but they were all too soft. So I crossed the street to Metro only to find that their grapes were no firmer and so I wasted my time. 

            I weighed 89.35 kilos at 18:40. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal. 

            My upstairs neighbour David gave me a pack of eight thinly sliced eye of round steaks on Friday. Tonight I grilled them in the oven and had three with a potato and gravy while watching season three, episode 16 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup Carol brings out California Governor Ronald Reagan. He tells her that she’s practically part of the administration because his family sees her every week. Someone asks if Carol will be his running mate. He says he’ll win for sure if she is. 

            In the first skit Soupy Sales plays a guy in the hospital scamming his insurance company over several fake injuries that his brother-in-law doctor is helping him scam. Fireside Girl Alice Portnoy (played by Carol) arrives asking for donations for the patients in the poorer wards. Soupy gives her a nickel. She says she saw him jump in front of a truck that wasn’t even moving. He gives her a quarter and she promises not to tell anyone, not even her uncle the policeman. He gives her all of his change. She asks if there is anything can do for him and he shakes his head. She asks if he’s sure and he nods his head. Then she says, “Congratulations sir. Your whiplash is cured. I’ll call the nurse”. He gives her $5. She is leaving and says to say hello to his brother-in-law the doctor. He gives her all the money in his wallet, which is $30. She says that’s nothing compared to the quarter million he’ll be getting from the insurance company. She says the Fireside Girls should get 30%. He begins chasing her and ends up falling out the window and she calls to him that his injuries are real this time. 

            Mel Tormé sings “Hurry On Down” by Nellie Lutcher from 1947. 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch, Carol is on a hunger strike because Roger won’t take her with him on his business trip to Hawaii. Roger’s boss Mr. Phillips is coming over to discuss the trip and Chrissie (played by Vickie Lawrence) has made hors d’oeuvres, which are driving Carol crazy. Roger comes home and is trying to get Carol to go to bed but then Phillips arrives and wants to have Carol sit with him because he likes to get to know the wives. He’s eating the hors d’oeuvres and Carol is holding her face close to his to watch. Phillips learns that Carol isn’t going on the trip and it turns out that he thinks she should. Roger lies that it was Carol’s decision. It is settled that Carol is going after all and she begins pigging out on the hors d’oeuvres. Phillips leaves and Roger asks angrily if she’s satisfied that she’s going to Hawaii now. She says she doesn’t know if she can go now because she has a stomach ache. 

            The next set of skits and musical numbers are part of a series that pays tribute to the great Hollywood movie studios. At the turn of the century the four Warner Brothers travelled west to create the studio that still bears their name. 

            In the first skit Carol plays Bugs Bunny while Soupy plays Elmer Fudd. Bugs bends Elmer’s shotgun to point back at himself. Harvey plays Porky Pig doing the stuttering finally of “D-d-d that’s all folks!” 

            Carol and Mel sing a song to the tune of “Ain’t We Got Fun” about the biographies that Warner Brothers did of George Gershwin, George M. Cohan, the great Cole Porter that fabulous man, Eddie Cantor (played by Keefe Brasselle), and Gus Khan (played by Danny Thomas). 

            Harvey and Mel sing “Makin Whoopie” by Gus Khan and Walter Donaldson. Vicki and Mel sing “Let’s Do It, Let’s Fall in Love” and “I Get a Kick Out of You” by Cole Porter. Soupy sings “Now’s the Time to Fall in Love” by Al Sherman and Al Lewis. Carol sings “S’wonderful” by George Gershwin. Everybody sings “You’re a Grand old Flag” by George M. Cohan. 

            Lyle does an intro to a parody of Joan Crawford who was a star in the 20s and is still a star. She was the master of “the woman’s picture”. For Warner Brothers she played tough career women who were successful in business but unsuccessful in love. Carol plays Joan Crawford playing Mildred Fierce. She dictates a letter to her secretary played by Soupy: “Dear sir, I do not like the way you are conducting business. Either you shape up or ship out. Signed Mildred Fierce. Soupy asks, “Who do I send this to?” Mildred says, “The president of the United States”. She calls her psychiatrist and tells him she’s distraught as a window washer lowers himself on a rope outside her office window. She says to her psychiatrist, “That’s ridiculous! I do not hate men! Excuse me…” She puts down the phone to pick up some scissors and cut the window washer’s rope. Then a handsome man (played by Lyle) walks in. Mildred tells the entire story of what she imagines their potential relationship to be from the romantic beginning to the terrible and then she slaps his face. He says, “Lady I just came in to check the air conditioning!” Then her ex-husband played by Mel comes in with Mildred’s young daughter who is dressed exactly like Mildred in a striped power suit with fierce shoulder pads. Mildred asks, “Why didn’t you tell me we had a child?” She hugs her and says, “We must spend more time together. On your way out make an appointment”. Mel asks for a job and Mildred asks if he wants to be a window washer. Mildred wonders when she’ll meet a man stronger than she is. Then a tough looking working class man walks in and tells her he’s the one. She admits he has an animal magnetism and he says that’s because he came straight from the gym. He says he’ll be gentle but she says he doesn’t have to because she’s wearing shoulder pads. They kiss and then Soupy comes in with a telegram. Mildred says, “Here hold this” and Soupy takes Harvey in his arms while Mildred reads the telegram. It tells her she’s been drafted. 

            Vicki says “In the 40s all the major studios ran dramatic schools for their contract players”. Carol plays an instructor in a Warner Brothers school for future leading men. She shows pictures of several male movie starts and asks, “Are they handsome, are they charming?” The answer is they’re not. “When you get right down to cases they’re a pretty homely lot”. What they have is meanness. “Once you cultivate a sneer you will hear the people cheer”. You gotta be rough and tumble, don’t be humble, ladies adore a swine”. “Snarl and gnash your teeth, turn your feelings on and off like a machine… You’re on very solid ground when you slap the dames around.” Then the dancers do a routine that demonstrates manhandling women. There is a lot of fake slapping and it’s something like an Apache dance but with several dancers. Then Harvey pushes a grapefruit half into Carol’s face like the famous scene from Public Enemy with James Cagney and Mae Clarke. 

            Mr. Phillips was played by Harold Gould who earned a PHD in Theatre and then taught Speech and Drama at Cornell University. He made his professional theatre debut as Thomas Jefferson in The Common Glory in 1955. He made his TV debut in Dennis the Menace in 1961. He made his film debut in Two for the Seesaw in 1962. He played Honore Vashon on Hawaii Five-O. He played Marlo Thomas’s father in the That Girl pilot. On Love American Style he was the first actor to play Howard Cunningham. He was invited to do the Happy Days pilot but he had a previous commitment. He played Rhoda’s father on Rhoda. He co-starred in the short-lived sitcom The Feather and Father Gang. He played Louis B, Mayer in The Scarlett O’Hara War for which he received one of his five Emmy nominations. He played Miles Webber on Golden Girls. He co-starred in Master of Disguise. In 2005 he did a 12 city tour of Tuesdays with Morrie. He was married to Lea Vernon for 60 years.

April 21, 1996: It was nice enough to play outside

Thirty years ago today 

            On Sunday it wasn’t as warm as the day before but it was sunny and nice enough for my daughter and I to play outside.

Vikki Carr

            On Sunday morning I ran through singing and playing the first four verses of “Ballad of a Dealer”, which is my translation of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. It’ll take a few days to get through the song because the chords are placed with the French text and I haven’t memorized the English text and so I have to keep bouncing back and forth. 

            I finished memorizing the fourth verse of “Dessous mon pull” (Under My Sweater) by Serge Gainsbourg. There are only four new lines to learn for the final verse so I’ll probably have it all done tomorrow or the next day. 

            I weighed 88.75 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the last of four sessions and it went out of tune for all but the second to last song. 

            Around midday I cleaned my warm mist humidifier but it hadn’t been needed for the most of last week so there wasn’t much to clean. Unfortunately this next week looks like it’s going to be cold and so I’ll need to run it a lot of the time. 

            I weighed 89.75 kilos before lunch, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the early afternoon since March 7. I had saltines with peanut butter, baba ghanoush, five-year-old cheddar and a glass of iced tea.

            In the afternoon I started a bike ride, intending to go downtown but I got caught in a sleet shower. It had subsided mostly by the time I got to Brock and College but the front of my pants was soaked and icy cold so I turned and went home. 

            I weighed 89.15 kilos at 17:15. 

            I was caught up in my journal by 19:21. I returned to trying to digitize in Audacity the cassette tape of a Christian and the Lions concert at the El Mocambo. Yesterday I was able to get a waveform but it disappeared before the second song. This time with the same settings I could not get a waveform. I restarted but there was still no waveform. It was only after a second restart that I got one. I started recording and the waveform lasted for almost 23 minutes through the first three songs and halfway through “The Next State of Grace”. It seems to be a memory issue similar to why Movie Maker sometimes freezes on me. I saved the project and decided I’ll resume it the next time I get a waveform, which will hopefully be tomorrow. 

            I had a potato with gravy while watching season 3, episode 15 of The Carol Burnett Show.

            During the audience warmup Flip Wilson says his real name is Clerow. 

            In the first skit Harvey and Carol play two losers who meet because they are shunned by everybody else at a party. Harvey has ridiculously extreme dandruff and Carol has very bad breath. They bond because of those and various other conditions they have, plus they both have snorty laughs.

            Vikki Carr songs “Go (Voir)”. 

            Flip Wilson tells a story about a soldier named Jenkins in Vietnam who gets in trouble for complaining about the creamed chipped beef on toast. He explains to the captain that the cream is too thin, there should be bigger chips and his mother used biscuits instead of toast. Plus his mother didn’t say “Keep the line moving!” Jenkins is sent into the jungle with a pad and pencil to count the Viet Cong but returns with 4000 prisoners. He explains that he found them sleeping and started counting them. They woke up and asked what he was doing and he told them. He captured them while they were laughing. As a reward they brought Jenkins’s mother to make Creamed chipped beef on biscuits but she said “Keep the line moving!” 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch, Carol and Chrissie (played by Vicki Lawrence) come home from Carol’s 30th birthday party and Carol is smashed on champagne. Chrissie tries to get Carol to bed before Roger gets home from work because Roger doesn’t think Carol should drink as she can’t handle it. But he does get home and finds her drunk and depressed about turning 30. He goes to make her coffee. She tries to follow him but forgets where the kitchen door is and gets hit by it. Then Roger carries her to bed. 

            Vicki Lawrence does a song and dance with the Ernie Flatt Dancers. The song is “Raindrops Keep Fallin On My Head” by Burt Bacharach and Hal David. 

            There’s a parody of Mission Impossible called Mission Improbable. Lyle plays the leader, Carol plays the femme fatale part that Barbara Bain plays in the real show, Harvey plays the master of disguise, and Flip Wilson plays Greg Morris’s part. Carol’s name is Oregano. She makes a slow and sultry entrance and Jim hands her an Emmy Award (Bain won three Emmys in a row for her performances on Mission Impossible). Harvey comes in wearing a combination of glasses, a big pink plastic nose and a moustache and says it’s his best disguise yet. Jim says that deserves an Emmy so he gives another to Oregano. Flip’s character Brainy has a mini laser nuclear ultrasonic transmitting paralyzer gun with a built-in tele-reader differential computer. He got it for 25 cents and three box tops. The mission is to solve the murder of US-friendly dictator General Delsado who led a plot to overthrow himself but failed. He was murdered by his wife Charline but they need to prove it. Charline (played by Vikki Carr) is hooked on Spiritualism so Oregano pretends to be a spiritualist who makes contact with her dead husband played by Harvey. Oregano shouts to Delsado because it’s long distance. He accuses her of killing him but she denies it. They say that her maid was a witness and they bring in Flip Wilson as the maid Geraldine. Geraldine gives a long account of how Charline killed her husband and after she’s finished Oregano hands her an Emmy. Charline confesses that she killed him and Geraldine gives her the Emmy. Charline is carried away and then the real Mission Impossible Team minus Barbara Bain walks in. Geraldine flirts with Greg Morris. 

            The whole cast, the dancers and the guests sing and dance to a song that seems to be called “There’s Enough to Go Around”. 

            Vikki Carr began performing at the age of 4. She signed with Liberty Records at 20. She was the first to record “He’s a Rebel” in 1962 and it was a hit in Australia. Her first album was Colour Her Great in 1963. In 1967 she had a top 5 hit with “It Must Be Him” by Gilbert Bécaud and Mack David. Her version of the song resurged when it was featured in the movie Moonstruck. She had other hits with “Can’t Take My Eyes off of You” and “For Once in My Life”. She was the first female to regularly guest host Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show. She made her acting debut on The Bing Crosby Show in 1964. Although of Mexican heritage she didn’t perform in Mexico until she was 30 and she became a superstar there. She became popular throughout Latin America. She’s had several number 1 hits on the Latin charts. She released her first Spanish language album the same year and it became her greatest success. She won three Grammy Awards. Dean Martin said she was the best girl singer in the business and Elvis Presley was also a big fan.

April 20, 1996: It was almost like a summer day

Thirty years ago today

            On Saturday it was almost as warm as summer when I picked up my daughter to spend the weekend at my place. We played in the back yard and at the local playground.

Rusty Warren

            On Saturday morning I finished revising my translation of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. Tomorrow I’ll run through singing and playing it. 

            For the second day I still wasn’t able to memorize the fourth verse of “Dessous mon pull” (Under My Sweater) by Serge Gainsbourg. I had it twice but it slipped away each time. I’ll probably get it into my head tomorrow. 

            I weighed 88.95 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since March 7. 

            I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the third of four sessions and it went out of tune during all but the penultimate song. I was really out of it while practicing and almost dozed off a few times, so practice took an extra half an hour. 

            Around midday I rode to No Frills where all the grapes were too soft. I bought a bag of oranges, two packs of raspberries, a pack of strawberries, some bananas, a pack of five-year-old cheddar, a box of spoon sized shredded wheat, three bags of skim milk, a tub of margarine, a jug of iced tea, two containers of skyr, and a bag of Miss Vickie’s chips. 

            I weighed 89.25 kilos at 14:30. 

            I took a siesta from 15:09 to 16:45. 

            I had to take a big bowel movement which made it too late to take a bike ride downtown so I just rode as far as Ossington and Bloor. On the way home at Ossington and Harbord a rain shower started and I was soaked before I got home. 

            I weighed 89.45 kilos at 18:00. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 18:58. 

            In Audacity I opened the project I started a few days ago to digitize the cassette recording of a Christian and the Lions concert at The Rivoli. This one had to be recorded with a microphone to the speaker because the line-in recording directly to my audio interface came out distorted. The last song “Angeline” was on the flip side of the tape but it was recorded at lower volume. I digitized it and it didn’t seem loud enough but when I played it again today it sounded okay to me. The volume on the stereo had to be turned up but that wasn’t that much of an inconvenience. I exported the audio to my hard drive and moved on to the next cassette, which is a cassette recording of a Christian and the Lions concert for Elvis Monday at the El Mocambo. The concert was only on one side of the tape and the other is Indian music. At first I couldn’t get a waveform so I restarted but that didn’t help. I finally saw that the line in to my audio interface sometimes disconnects and I lose the waveform. Maybe I need a new adaptor. Anyway I got it working and was recording but lost the waveform halfway through the song. By this time it was too late to struggle with it and so I'll start from scratch tomorrow. The tape itself is playing somewhat distorted and so I can’t expect too much from its digitization. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, a chopped slice of ham, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore while watching season 3, episode 14 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup Carol introduces a young actor whose in the audience. She saw her in Dames at Sea in New York and thinks she’s going to be one of the biggest stars. It’s Burnadette Peters. She asks her how was her flight from New York. She says she saw True Grit on the plane. Carol asks what she ate and she says, “True grit”. 

            The first skit is The Old Folks with Carol and Harvey. Nothing special. Harvey talks frisky but suddenly falls asleep. 

            In the second skit Harvey plays a school teacher who is having an affair with the art teacher. He’s about to go and meet her in the teachers lounge when the student Alice Portnoy (played by Carol) arrives to complain about the F she received for Geography. He tells her it was well deserved and escorts her out. Alice asks if he’s going to have lunch at the topless bar again. He says he’ll change her grade to a D. Then he takes her arm to lead her out when she accuses him of manhandling a student. He gives her a C. She says she thinks she should call an ambulance and so he changes it to a B. She shows him a nude drawing of him done by the head of the art department and thinks it will look nice on the bulletin board, so he bumps her to a B plus. When Alice leaves he calls up Muriel to tell her what just happened and mentions their relationship and the idiot principal. Then Alice returns and says she forgot her lunch box, which she says contains her tape recorder. He gives her an A. 

            Nancy Wilson sings “Spinnin Wheel” by Canadian singer David Clayton Thomas of the band Blood Sweat and Tears. 

            Then Carol and Nancy sing “Let’s Get Together” by Chet Powers, who was a member of Quicksilver Messenger Service. The song was a hit for The Youngbloods in 1969. 

            There is a Carol and Sis sketch in which Carol and Chrissie (played by Vicki) bring home a lifelike adult male dummy in a suit because they are taking a Red Cross First Aid course. Carol is keeping it a secret from Roger until after she gets her certificate because he always claims she starts things without finishing them. They act out an emergency and Carol gives the dummy “Charlie” mouth to mouth. Then Rogers car pulls into the driveway early and they hide Charlie in the closet. But Roger sees that Carol’s lipstick is smudged and finds a man’s tie on the floor. He goes into a jealous rage and wants to find the man she’s cheating with. He finds the dummy and has been punching it for a while before he realizes it’s not a man. Roger realizes his mistake and apologizes. Then he gets hit and knocked out by the kitchen door and Carol has a real emergency with a real dummy. 

            Then there is an episode of As the Stomach Turns. Marian (Carol) and Joyce (Nanette) are having coffee when Joyce bursts into tears and confesses that she’s a kleptomaniac. Over the course of their conversation she puts all of Marian’s chinaware into her bag. Gaylord Fontaine (Harvey) the Civic Theatre Group Sissy Director arrives. He needs Marian to play a neurotic disturbed person in his play this year and she agrees. Then a man played by Lyle comes to the door saying he’s running for congress and needs signatures. He takes Joyce’s signature and then says thank you sir to Marian. Then Marian’s daughter arrives with another baby born out of wedlock and leaves it with her. Joyce puts it in her shoplifting bag. Joyce pulls out a gun and puts it to Marian’s head saying she’s going to kill herself. Marian helps her point the gun in the right direction and then tells her she can be cured. Then Nurse Julia Carol arrives (played by Nancy Wilson). Joyce says “Tell me what to do!” and Julia says “Take two aspirin and get plenty of acting lessons”. Joyce puts the gun to her head and pulls the trigger but she forgot to steal bullets. The announcer asks “What will happen when Julia gets amnesia and forgets she’s black? 

            In the final number Carol, Nanette, and Nancy are discussing the generation gap. Nanette says there isn’t one since the kids are wearing their old clothes and beads. The three women change into hippy clothes and sing “We’re the Bim Bam Whim Wham Mothers of Tomorrow” which I think is written by Rusty Warren, who is called the mother of the sexual revolution. I think this is a cleaned up version of Rusty’s song. 

            Rusty Warren studied piano at the New England Conservatory of Music and graduated in 1954. She didn’t realize she was funny until she started responding to hecklers and made the audience laugh. Her first album Songs For Sinners was recorded live in 1955 at the Pomp Room in Phoenix, Arizona. Her second album Knockers Up was recorded live at the Golden Falcon, in Pompano Beach, Florida in 1960. Her comedy routines sang about sex from a female perspective. She became known as the “mother of the sexual revolution” with the song “Knockers Up” being her most exemplary contribution to that movement. Catherine O’Hara’s character of Dusty Towne was inspired by Warren. Her subsequent albums were Sin-sational, Rusty Warren Bounces Back, Rusty Warren in Orbit, Banned in Boston?, Sex-x-ponent, Rusty Sings a Portrait of Life, More Knockers up, Rusty Rides Again, Bottoms Up!, Look What I Got For You, Lays it On the Line, Knockers Up ’76, and Sexplosion. The singles from these albums were: from 1961: “Knockers Up”, “Basin Street”, “Bounce Your Boobies”, “Shimmy Like My Sister Kate”; from 1962: “Roll Me Over”, “Do it Now”, “Twist Blues”; from 1963: “I Like Everybody”, “Waltz Me Around Again Willie”, “Greenback Dollar”, “The Sexy Life”; from 1964: “The Pill Song”, “Surprise”, “Red River Sally”, and “Steel Drivin Man”.

April 19, 1996: After picking up my cheques I busked with Brian

Thirty years ago today

            On Friday it was payday so I went downtown to pick up and cash my Ontario College of Art and Toronto Board of Education cheques. Maybe I met Brian Haddon downtown and we busked, had lunch, busked some more and then performed on the Spit Fridays open stage in the back room of the Cameron.

Durward Kirby

            On Friday morning I revised my translation of the fifteenth verse of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. 

            I wasn’t quite able to memorize the fourth verse of “Dessous mon pull” (Under My Sweater) by Serge Gainsbourg but I should have it nailed down tomorrow.

            I weighed 88.3 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the second of four sessions and it went out of tune during every song. 

            At 13:00 I went downstairs to meet my upstairs neighbour David because we were scheduled to go to lunch. After five minutes I called him but there was no answer. I went back up to my place and called him again and this time he answered. He asked me to come up to his place for lunch and so I did. All he has for furniture are folding chairs. he sat me down in a very uncomfortable high folding chair. He stir fried some stewing beef with cherry tomatoes and Ethiopian spices and served it to me on a plate with two slices of dry bread. I asked if I could sit on a lower folding chair. The meat was tough and hard to swallow. He gave me a bottle of water that tasted flat. There were no utensils and so I had to eat with my hands. I found out he has bedbugs. He says his girlfriend pointed them out. He’s had bedbugs ever since I’ve known him so I don’t know why he was surprised. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 89.5 kilos at 18:00, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the evening since March 14.

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still behind at suppertime. 

            I baked a salmon fillet and had it with a potato and gravy while watching season 3, episode 11 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup Carol brings out her special guests Garry Moore and Durward Kirby. Someone asks when they started working together. Garry says Carol first guested on his daytime show in 1956. He adds that he and Durward have been together off and on since 1940. Carol says she became a regular on Garry’s show in October of 1959. 

            The first skit features Carol and Harvey as The Old Folks. They are sitting in their back yard on New Years Eve and so obviously it’s California. Molly says she’s thinking of turning on Guy Lombardo. Harvey says he doesn’t think that’s possible. They sing “Do You Love Me?” by Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick from Fiddler on the Roof. 

            The second skit is a British courtroom drama featuring the trial of Mrs. Peter Piper. Mrs. Piper is played by Carol. Gary is the prosecutor and Durward the defender. Mrs. Piper is on trial for murdering her husband. The lawyers keep trading off to ask Mrs. Piper questions as she’s the only witness. In one round the defender just establishes Mrs. Piper’s name before saying “Your witness”. She says her husband was in the business of picking pecks of pickled peppers. The prosecutor accuses her of pecking in Picadilly Park with Paul Peters the porker and when Peter threatened to plug her she popped him on the pate with a poker. He says her true identity is Cecily Susan Sussman of Sussex and she sells seashells by the sea shore. She tells the story of killing her husband and his lover all in “S” alliteration in a British accent. The prosecutor asks the court stenographer to read back what she said. The court stenographer is Jim Nabors who says, “Gollay!” and proceeds to repeat it in his Gomer Pyle accent.

            Carol recites a poem she wrote when she was 12: 

I wish I was a Christmas star 

perched atop a tree 

Folks would see me from afar 

because of how bright I’d be 

I’d shine all night I’d shine all day 

A lovely sight to see 

folks would look at me and say 

We should have got a bell 

            Carol sings “Make Your Own Kind of Music” by Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil, which was a hit for Mama Cass in 1969. 

            Gary and Durward are co-hosts of a children’s show. They tell the kids to get close to their TVs and not to worry about the radiation because nobody lives forever (The cathode ray tubes of that era emitted low level X-rays but the fear of harm was unfounded). They encourage children to hold their breath until they turn blue to force their parents to buy the toys they are advertising. There is an Ed Sullivan doll that does everything the real Ed Sullivan does, which is nothing. 

            Harvey Korman does an impersonation of Tom Jones singing “It’s Not Unusual” by Les Reed and Gordon Mills. 

            Next there is one of Carol’s autobiographical sketches. Carol has a bad cold but still Roger has poker night at their place. She complains that every time his friends come over it takes her a week to clean up after them. Despite Roger telling her she could go to bed, after they come she has to wait on them the whole time. Carol gets knocked out by the kitchen door. 

            In a parody of To Tell the Truth three women claim to be Elizabeth Taylor. When the real one stands up, the host steals her diamonds. 

            Garry recites “A Christmas Wish” by Henry Van Dyke. It’s actually a segment of his larger poem “Keeping Christmas”. 

            Then the Bob Mitchell Boys Choir sings “Sleighride” by Leroy Anderson and Mitchell Parish from 1947. One of the boys in the choir has a black eye. Carol notices this and has been calling him “Shiner” all week. She asks his name and it’s Ronnie Stewart. She wants to know how he got the black eye and he explains that he got into a fight with another boy in the choir named Mike. They fought because Ronnie was in a folding bed and Mike folded it while he was in it. She has them shake hands and make up. She says the choir appeared in the movie Going My Way. 

            Carol, Vicki and the choir sing “Do You Know How Christmas Trees Are Grown?” by John Barry and Hal David. It first appeared in the 1969 James Bond film On Her Majesty’s Secret Service and it’s the only Christmas song to ever be sung in a James Bond film. It was sung by Danish singer Nina van Palandt. Everybody sings “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”. 

            Durward Kirby began studying Engineering at Perdue University but dropped out to become a radio announcer. He co-hosted the radio show Club Matinee in Chicago with Garry Moore. He acted in summer stock theatre. He was the announcer for the short film Musical Shipmates in 1946. He was the host of General Electric Guest House in 1951. He was the sidekick of Garry Moore for the long running Garry Moore Show. In 1961 he threatened to sue Rocky and Bullwinkle over the character on the Bullwinkle Show who was named Kirwood Derby. He co-hosted Candid Camera from 1961 to 1966. He wrote three books: My Life, Bits and Pieces of This and That, and a children’s book called Dooley Wilson.