May 21, 1996: I hosted the Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage as always

Thirty years ago today

            On Tuesday night as always I hosted my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage in the Art Bar of The Gladstone Hotel.

Bill Richmond

            On Tuesday morning I re-memorized the first verse of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. I had memorized an inaccurate translation before so I had to revise it and start again.

            I weighed 86.35 kilos before breakfast. It’ll be interesting to see what my doctor’s scale says later today. 

            A little after 13:00 I started riding up to Avenue Road and Eglinton for my annual check-up. I stopped at Long and McQuade to pee. I didn’t have to go that badly but it’s a long bike ride and I didn’t want any wet accidents. 

            Dr. Shechtman checked my blood pressure and my heart but didn’t check my prostate. My blood pressure was 110 over 80, which he said is excellent. he weighed me at over 89 kilos. My scale is off. I thought my left ear was plugged but he said it was clear. He offered me the pneumonia vaccine but I said I’m not social enough to worry about it. If I was living in a retirement home I’d get it. He gave me the forms for the usual blood tests. 

            He said he stopped working on weekends and now he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He has a two year old granddaughter who gives him a lot of joy. 

            I weighed 86.25 kilos at 15:55. 

            I took a siesta and slept three and a half hours. 

            I weighed 86 kilos at 21:15. I dropped the scale a couple of days ago and since then it seems to be registering lower readings. 

            I was behind on my journal and worked on getting caught up but at the end of the day I was still not up to the present. 

            I grilled two T-bone steaks and had one with a potato and gravy while watching season 7, episode 8 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            There is a parody of Jack Laland’s exercise show with Lyle as Jack. Carol plays an extremely obese woman trying to follow along and she ends up destroying some furniture before collapsing. At the end Jack Laland comes out of the bedroom and the obese lady is his wife. 

            Steve Lawrence sings “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” by Cole Porter from the 1936 film Born to Dance. 

            Carol plays Jessica, a 9 months pregnant woman and Paul Sand plays her husband Matthew who is sleeping. She wakes him up to remind him that they’re going to have a baby. He says he knows. She complains that he doesn’t seem that excited about it. She is very moody and jumps back and forth from being affectionate and critical. She asks if he’s excited and he says he’s very excited about her baby but now she’s upset that he didn’t say “our baby”. She accuses him of being jealous and he admits it but says he hates himself for it. Jessica says it’s okay and they make up but suddenly she goes into labour. Everything is ready except he discovers he forgot to put gas in the car. She accuses him of not wanting her to have her baby. He calls her on saying “my baby”. He says it’s all about her because she gets all the gifts and the pain. She says she’s going to share everything including the pain. He starts to feel the contractions. She calls the ambulance and says she and her husband are having a baby. 

            There’s a parody of “Double Indemnity” called “Double Calamity”. Steve Lawrence plays Walter Leph, an insurance salesman. He enters his office with six bullet wounds and sits at his desk to talk into a Dictaphone to leave a dying message for his boss Mr. Keys. he confesses to killing Dietrichsen for money and a dame. Then there’s a flashback when he comes to Dietrichsen’s home to get a signature on a policy. He meets Dietrichsen’s wife Phyllis (played by Carol) and they become lovers immediately as well as co-collaborators in a plot to kill her husband and collect the double calamity insurance. Dietrichsen comes home and finds them kissing but it doesn’t register as anything out of the ordinary. He signs the policy then they kill him. But for the policy to be paid out he also has to fall from a blimp and so he is dropped onto the Rose Bowl Parade. Later Phyllis and Walter shoot each other several times. 

            There’s a tribute to Irving Berlin to celebrate his 85th birthday. Carol, Harvey, Vicki, Lyle, Steve, Paul and the dancers perform a medley of all of his popular songs, such as “Let’s Face the Music and Dance”, “I’m in Heaven”, “There’s No Business Like Show Business”, and “Happy Holidays”. 

            One of the writers on The Carol Burnett Show was Bill Richmond, who started out as a drummer for Frank Sinatra, Peggy Lee, harry James, Les Brown, and Nelson Riddle. After becoming a drummer for Jerry Lewis he began pitching gag ideas. Jerry liked them so much he made him a co-writer. He co-wrote The Nutty Professor of 1963 and of 1996, The Errand Boy, The Ladies Man, The Patsy, and Cracking Up. He played Stan Laurel in The Bellboy. He won three Emmy Awards for The Carol Burnett Show.

Arletty

            On Monday morning I memorized the sixth verse of L'anguille (The Eel) by Boris Vian. There are four verses left to nail down. 

            I finished comparing the Google translations of the lyrics I already had for “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg with the ones that Sonix transcribed from the audio. Sonix was more correct but sometimes it was off and I adjusted the text according to my own ear. Tomorrow I’ll start rememorizing the song. 

            I weighed 86.7 kilos before breakfast. That seems like quite a drop, considering that I ate more than usual for supper the night before. It’s the lightest I’ve been in the morning since December 20. 

            I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the first of four sessions and it went out of tune on every song. 

            I worked on digitally enhancing one of my photos. 

            I weighed 87.65 kilos before lunch. March 24 was the last early afternoon when I was so easy on the scale. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 87.15 kilos at 17:45. I haven’t been that skinny in the evening since December 16. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 18:36. 

            I recorded from cassette tape through audio interface to Audacity side one of a recording session at Mike’s place in Peter Fruchter’s garage. I’d digitized this twice before with the MP3 converter and again with only the left channel. This time I got both channels. I digitized side 2 yesterday. Next time I’ll record from another cassette a session at Mike’s Place that I think is all “Instructions for Electroshock Therapy”. 

            At 21:00 my daughter and I got together on discord and watched my favourite movie Les enfants du paradis with our microphones on. It was probably my tenth time seeing it, plus I have a copy of the original screenplay and have translated about half of it. 

            Hearing Astrid's voice it was like she was right there so it was kind of nice, especially since she was enjoying the film. 

            The movie opens on The Boulevard of Crime in Paris where a carnival is going on. The first character we see is Jericho the Ragman shouting his wares and blowing his trumpet as he walks through the crowd. 

            Then we see a peep show where “the Truth” is revealed as the character Garance is sitting in a “well” with her body naked from the shoulders up. 

            Then outside of the Funambules pantomime theatre we see the actor Frederick Lamaitre arguing with the concierge to get in and talk to the director about a job while the concierge thinks he’s just trying to get in for free. But then Frederick sees Garance walking through the crowd and goes to try and pick her up. She gently rejects him but he asks when he’ll see her again. She delivers the line, “Paris is small for lovers such as us”. 

            At a scribe’s office we see the criminal poet Lacenaire who has just finished a letter of apology for a man who hit his wife. The customer is very satisfied. Lacenaire’s henchman Avril comes in with some silverware he stole for his boss. Garance arrives who Lacenaire says is his muse. He talks about how he hates society and loves no one, including Garance. She confirms she doesn’t love him either but visits him because he talks a lot and she finds it relaxing. He tells something of his origins and delivers the line, “My parents forbade me bad company and yet left me alone with myself”. He talks about a play he is writing and there is a sense that the story we are watching is that play. 

            In front of the Funambules the star Anseme Dubaru is advertising the show. Sitting silently and motionlessly at one corner of the stage is his son Baptiste. Dubaru abuses Baptiste for the entertainment of the crowd and then goes inside, leaving his son to continue sitting. Garance is watching, as is a wealthy man who thinks Baptiste looks like a fool. Lacenaire steals the man’s watch and sneaks away. When he notices his watch missing he accuses Garance. A policeman is about to arrest her when Baptiste intervenes and explains in silent and comical mime what actually occurred, much to the amusement of the crowd. He saves Garance and she throws him a flower. Baptiste is in love. 

            At the Funambules Frederick approaches the director for a job. On stage there is an interaction between the Cassandra (played by Dubaru) and the Harlequin (played by Barigni). The Harlequin is supposed to club the Cassandra over the head and only make it appear real but he really does hit him. This is followed by a big fight onstage between those who support Dubaru and the Barignis. The result is that all the Barignis, which is half the cast, quit the Funambules. Now they are missing both a Harlequin and a Pierrot. Frederick volunteers to play the Harlequin and the manager suggests they bring in Baptiste. Dubaru protests because he is ashamed of Baptiste but the director insists. 

            After the show Baptiste and Frederick are having a drink at a wine kiosk and Frederick says he’s homeless. Baptiste says he can room on credit at Madame Hermine’s where he lives. Baptiste takes him there and then leaves to wander the streets. Frederick seduces Madame Hermine. 

            Baptiste encounters a blind beggar named Silk Thread on a lonely street and when Silk Thread learns that Baptiste performs at the Funambules he surprises him by saying he loves pantomime. He explains that a friend comes with him and describes the action. Learning that Baptiste is a performer he takes him to The Red Throat Tavern. Silk Thread is well known there and is seated at his favourite table. Someone approaches with some stolen merchandize and Silk Thread appraises it, revealing he is not blind after all, much to Baptiste’s shock. 

            Lacenaire and his gang, along with Garance enter the tavern. She is unhappy with all their talk of murder and is about to leave when Baptiste asks her to dance. They are happily dancing when Avril grabs Baptiste and pushes him through a window out onto the street. Avril is quite proud of himself but then Baptiste returns, dusts himself off, and then with one kick of savate, knocks Avril to the floor. He then escorts Garance away. When he learns Garance is homeless he takes her to Madame Hermine’s. He also says he’ll get her a job at the Funambules. 

            In her room he declares his love for her while she just wants him to make love. He leaves because he feels she is too precious to defile. Frederick has no qualms and when he hears Garance singing he makes his way to her room. 

            They become lovers and Baptiste becomes jealous. He writes it all into the pantomime they perform. 

            The show becomes popular and Garance also becomes renowned for her beauty. The Count Edouard de Montray is in love with her and comes to watch her every night. He comes to her dressing room to declare his love but she rejects him. He gives her his card to use if she is ever in need. 

            Garance helps Lacenaire get a room at Madame Hermine’s and then he and Avril try to murder and rob a courier carrying a large payroll. Because of her association with Lacenaire she is about to be arrested as an accomplice. She presents the police with the Count’s card.

            Years later, Frederick is a famous actor. He is acting in a poorly written drama that he turns into a hit comedy by mocking the dramatic parts. The authors are insulted and demand satisfaction.

            Frederick finds Lacenaire waiting for him in his dressing room. Lacenaire asks for money expecting refusal and then plans to kill and rob Frederick, but he is surprised when Frederick generously gives him a large sum. Frederick, Lacenaire and Avril get drunk. The two crooks become Frederick’s seconds in his duel the next morning. 

            Frederick is wounded and his play is temporarily cancelled. He goes to see a performance by Baptiste, who is now a superstar. The concierge gets him a seat in the private box of a society woman who comes to see Baptiste perform every night. Frederick is surprised that the woman is Garance. Although not a jealous person he finds himself slightly jealous that Garance still loves Baptiste. But he uses that jealousy in order to play Othello. 

            He tells Baptiste about Garance but the Ragman has already told Baptiste’s wife Nathalie about her. Nathalie sends her and Baptiste’s little boy to tell Garance that they are happy. By the time Baptiste gets to Garance’s box she is gone. He goes into a deep depression, refuses to perform and locks himself in his old room at Madame Hermine’s. 

            Garance is a kept woman by the Count although he has never touched her. She comes home to the mansion and finds Lacenaire waiting. Lacenaire meets the count and mocks him. 

            Frederick performs Othello and Baptiste goes to see him. Also in the audience are Garance and the Count. At the reception the count and his cronies mock Frederick while Baptiste runs into Garance and they kiss on the balcony. Lacenaire opens the curtain to show them and humiliate the count. 

            Later Lacenaire goes to the count in a Turkish bath, stabs him to death and then rings the bell to wait for the police. 

            Baptiste and Garance go to her old room and make love all night. 

            The next morning Nathalie finds them there and confronts Garance. Garance leaves and Baptiste chases after her but the streets are crowded because of the carnival and also the Ragman holds him back. The movie ends there but in the original screenplay Baptiste kills Jericho on the street. 

            Garance was played by the great Arletty, who for the role received one of the highest salaries ever in French cinema. She started as an artist’s and photographer’s model. At 18 she was a singer in music halls. She made her stage debut at the age of 22. The 1928 operetta Yes was written for her. She didn’t appear in movies until her early 30s. She made her film debut in La douceur d’aimer (The Sweetness of Loving) in 1930. She co-starred in La garconne, Désiré, Aloha le chant des iles, The Little Thing, La chaleur du Sein (Mother Love), Fric-Frac, Le jour se lève (Daybreak), Tempete (Thunder Over Paris), She starred in Amants et voleurs (Lovers and Thieves), Mirages, Madame sans-gene, La femme que j’ai plus aimee (The Woman I Loved Most), Bolero, L’amant de Borneo, At the end of the war it was discovered that she had been the lover of a German officer. She was not allowed to attend the premier of the movie she starred in, Les enfants di paradis. She spent 120 days in prison, was under house arrest for two years, and not permitted to work for three years. She starred as Blanche Dubois in Jean Cocteau’s French version of A Streetcar Named Desire. She later co-starred in Portrait d’un assassin, L’air de Paris, Mon cure chez les pauvres (My Priest Among the Poor), Et ta soeur (And Your Sister), La Gamberge (The Dance), Tempo di Roma (Destination Rome), She starred in Huis-clos (No Exit), She starred in Gigolo, L’amour madame, Le pere de mademoiselle, Un drole de dimanche (Sunday Encounter), Maxime, She went blind in her 60s and could no longer perform. Although treated as a traitor after the war she ended her life as a beloved French icon and the whole country mourned her passing.

May 20, 1996: Brian and I rehearsed

Thirty years ago today

            I decided to start having features in June at my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage and that I would be the first one. Brian Haddon and I began rehearsing for that event.

May 19, 1996: Another day in the sun with my child

Thirty years ago today

            Sunday was another warm day spent with my daughter playing in the open air.

Arnie Kogen

            On Sunday morning I compared the Google translations of the lyrics I already had for the third and fourth verses of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg with the ones that Sonix transcribed from the audio. Sonix seems to be more correct in all the lines. There are two more verses to correct and then I have to re-memorize the now very different song. 

            I weighed 88.35 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Kramer electric during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time.

            Around midday I cleaned the warm mist humidifier that’s been running sometimes during the week and it took about half the usual time. Right now I have no humidifier plugged in and hopefully won’t need one again until fall. 

            I weighed 89.75 kilos before lunch. I had saltines with peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar and a glass of iced tea. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 88.95 kilos at 17:50. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 18:30. 

            I tried recording again for the first time after getting my Yamaha receiver fixed on Friday but the right channel still didn’t appear on my audio interface. However after I fast forwarded the cassette tape and rewound it I got both channels and was able to successfully digitize side two of the tape of the session at Mike’s place with him playing drums and me on guitar and vocals. There are so many factors that can cause the right channel to drop out even with the stereo fixed. There’s still the tape itself and also the cables leading to the interface. When I played it back the left channel of the interface wasn’t blinking. Of course that would only have mattered if I was recording the playback but it’s just weird. When I jiggled the cable though I got both channels again. Anyway now that I have the receiver fixed and I have a stereo breakout to create two channels in Audacity I have to re-record all of the stereo tapes I digitized. It’s kind of comical in a sad way because I first digitized all the tapes with the MP3 convertor but it was glitchy and caused skipping, then I did almost all of them with my tape deck but found the right channel wasn’t working. Now I have to do them all a third time. This could only happen to me. 

            I went online and filled out my Ontario.ca Jury Form. The questions stopped after I checked that I’ve been convicted of a criminal offense for which I haven’t received a pardon. That’s from when the cops planted hashish on me when I was 18, so I could easily pardoned but since I wasn’t guilty it seems silly to ask for a pardon for something I didn’t do. I’m certainly not going to get a pardon just so I can serve on a jury. 

            I renewed my application for the Toronto Transitional Housing allowance because it brings in $250 a month. 

            I slightly grilled nine already cooked cheese sausages. I ate one and then sliced two for a pizza on multigrain sandwich bread with olive paste, marinara, tomato pesto, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 7, episode 6 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup, four Campfire Girls come up to declare Carol an honourary Campfire Girl and to give her three Campfire Girl dolls for her daughters. 

            Carol announces that Vicki Lawrence’s record “The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia” has now sold 3 million copies. 

            John Parker (played by Jack Weston) comes to Helen Benson’s (played by Carol) apartment on a computer date but it turns out they don’t have a lot in common. He doesn’t like music and can’t swim. She doesn’t like sky diving. He wonders why the computer picked their names. She says, “Speaking of names, the most common surname in the world is Chang, which makes up between 9.7% and 12.1% of the Chinese population (It’s actually Wang). They discover that what they have in common is a passion for trivia and it literally turns them on. They suddenly love each other. He asks her to marry him and promises to always be true but she quotes trivia about a man who was married 26 times. John counters with the longest marriage ever recorded but it’s not enough and she asks him to leave. But even as he is leaving they keep spouting trivia and continue getting hot. They are kissing again but John says his parents had a record 68 children and she says for him to get out. After he leaves she says the oldest living virgin died at 108 but she’s going to beat her record. 

            Ken Berry and the Ernie Flatt Dancers do a song and tap dance to “It’s Not Where You Start” by Cy Coleman and Dorothy Fields from the 1973 musical Seesaw. 

            In an operating room Ken Berry has acute appendicitis and Dr. Bennet is about to operate. He asks Nurse Bennett for a scalpel but she does not respond. Instead she tells him she wants a divorce. He says it’s not the time but she insists. Ken says, “Please give him the scalpel” but she says, “You men always stick together!” The doctor asks the other nurse to take the instruments but Nurse Bennett throws them on the floor. Ken says the anaesthetic is wearing off and he’s feeling pain. Nurse Bennett tells him, “You don’t know what pain is!” Ken suggests they take a vacation together. Bennett says he was planning one. Suddenly Nurse Bennett asks for forgiveness. They’re about to continue the operation when Nurse Dawson says, “You didn’t mention a vacation to me!” The doctor says, “Shhhh!” She says, “Don’t shhh me! Just because I’m the other woman! You said you were gonna get rid of that old broomstick!” Nurse Bennett starts to blow up again when Doctor Bennett storms out of the operating room. Nurse Dawson chases after him. Doctor Dawson (Jack) is about to take over the operation but Nurse Bennett begins to argue with him. They both storm out leaving Ken alone in panic. Then Tim Conway comes in looking totally insane and stumbles around the operating room. Carol comes out and says they called Tim this morning and “He was nice enough to do this even though we’re not paying him” (a joke I’m sure). 

            Carol, as a kind of nerdy beatnik character sings “The Lady is a Tramp, by Richard Rogers and Lorenz Hart from the 1937 musical Babes in Arms. 

            Carol plays a parody of Ethel Merman in a nightclub. A customer (Jack) offers to buy her a drink but she just responds with a lyric from “I Get a Kick Out of You” by Cole Porter: “I get no kick from champagne…”. He asks if she’d join him for dinner and says he likes her a lot. “She starts singing “He likes me…”. He says, “This is funny” She sings “It’s funny” but he puts his hand over her mouth. He asks if it’s possible to say anything that isn’t a song. The waiter brings her usual, vodka and throat spray. She hits a high note and breaks every glass in the place. He says, “You’re gonna drive me back to my analyst!” She sings, “You don’t need analyzing, it is not so surprising”. He shouts “Shut up!” He says he can yell louder than her and they both start singing, “Anything you can do I can do better”. Then he stops and says he’s leaving but she jumps on his back and sings, “Wherever you go…” as she rides him away. 

            Harvey plays Dr. Jekyll who drinks a potion that turns him into Ms. Hyde. There’s a knock and she drinks to change back. Dr. Kimble invites Jekyll to meet his cousin Rowena. Jekyll goes to meet Rowena (played by Vicki) but he feels a transformation coming and says he’s going into the closet to remove his tonsils. He comes out as Heidi Hyde. Rowena excuses herself and comes back as Kimble. Kimble tries to kiss Heidi but she grows a moustache. She goes for fresh air and Nair behind a curtain. Kimble opens the curtain and asks Jekyll what he’s doing. He says he’s voting. They begin to fight but Kimble becomes Rowena. Jekyll and Rowena begin to dance but he becomes Heidi. Then Rowena becomes Kimble. Then Heidi becomes Jekyll and the two men dance and decide to stay that way. Then Jekyll turns back to Heidi. Kimble wants to get married but Heidi wonders whether her or Rowena would go into labour and says, “Not me Charlie!” Kimble says he’s been experimenting on a new potion that splits the chromosomes, divides the genes, rearranges the nervous system forcing a cause and effect syndrome in the pituitary glands. It enables the brain to divide into two entities so they can become four people. Heidi says it won’t work. He says, “Okay here’s something the Avon Lady dropped off” They drink it and become Jekyll, Heidi, Kimble, and Rowena but each man has their woman side’s voice now and the women have the men’s voices. 

            The closing number is “New Elizabethan Rhythm” with Carol, Vicki, Ken and the dancers in period costumes. I get the impression this song was created just for that number. 

            Arnie Kogen was one of the writers for this episode. He started writing for Mad Magazine after college and ultimately wrote more than 100 film and TV parodies for Mad. He wrote jokes for Don Adams and other standup comedians. He wrote for Johnny Carson, Jackie Gleason, 13 episodes of Empty Nest, Candid Camera, Dean Martin, Tim Conway, Rich Little, Donny and Marie Osmand, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Newhart, Mad TV, Flip Wilson, Sammy Davis Jr., Debbie Reynolds, Connie Stevens, Shelley Berman, and The Golden Globe Awards. He co-wrote the screenplay for Birds Do It. He won three Emmy Awards. His son Jay Kogen was one of the original writers for The Simpsons.

May 18, 1996: It was a hot day and my daughter and I played outside

Thirty years ago today

            Saturday was a very hot day and my daughter and I spent most of the time outdoors in the back yard, at the playground, and wandering around.