Larry Siegel

            On Sunday morning I revised my translation of “Chaussures noires et pompes funèbres” (Black Dress Shoes and Funeral Parlours) by Serge Gainsbourg. I’ll post it on Facebook tomorrow, then I’ll look for the next Gainsbourg song that I failed to translate because the lyrics weren't available. I think that’s the 1972 song “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (My Gigolo is a Giggle). 

            I weighed 88.45 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin acoustic for song practice and it went out of tune during every song. 

            Around midday I cleaned the warm mist humidifier that’s been running this week and set the other one going. I think last night was the last of the really cold ones before the fall so maybe next Sunday will be the last cleaning I have to do for several months. 

            I cleaned my bathroom floor because the landlord is coming to take pictures of my place on Tuesday. He claims it’s for insurance purposes but he’s really just looking for evidence to use to evict me. 

            I weighed 90.1 kilos before lunch. I had saltines with peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar and a glass of iced tea. 

            In the afternoon I started on a bike ride but it was raining and so I only went as far as Brock and College before turning around and going home. 

            I weighed 90.15 kilos at 17:10, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the evening since March 7. 

            I renewed my federal dental plan for another year and Service Canada has increased the security hoops one has to leap through to get it done. There’s now a grid they show you and you have to copy it and then later answer what letters and numbers in the boxes match the coordinates they specify. I got confused and screwed it up at first. I had to refresh my browser to try again. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 19:00. 

            I recorded from cassette through audio interface to Audacity a rehearsal of a song by Donna Bartkiw on which I played electric guitar. But the volume was too low so I had to put the mic to the speaker again but this time it was only coming out of the left speaker. I had to play the tape at top volume to record it. This was followed by a rehearsal with Brian Haddon of my song “Sixteen Tons of Dogma” but with a lot of technical problems. The last part of the tape is another rehearsal with Donna but it was coming from the right side of the speaker. I didn’t have time to digitize that part because supper was already done. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, two sliced honey garlic sausages, five-year-old cheddar and my last egg. 

            Before I could eat I got a call from my upstairs neighbour David asking to borrow $100 until tomorrow. He’s always been pretty generous with me and so I really couldn’t refuse. He told me to slip it under his door because he was naked. 

            I had the pizza with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 5, episode 4 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup a girl asks for Carol’s autograph. Carol writes, “Remember the girl from the city, remember the girl from the town, remember the girl who spoiled your book by writing upside down”. 

            There was a woman in the audience who said people say she looks like her. Carol has her come up to the stage. I thought she looked more like Vicki Lawrence. Carol says they are going to have a lookalike contest on the show and have the finalists on one of the episodes competing to win.

            They do parodies of TV commercials. Harvey is playing golf when his daughter (played by Cass Elliot) comes up to tell him she only has only one cavity. She brushes her teeth 16 times a day. After every meal. That joke would be in poor taste these days. 

            Ken’s wife (played by Vickie) is in the shower. She tells him they don’t use soap anymore but use Zesty instead. Ken says “Boy have I got a great little wife!” Lyle sticks his head out of the shower and says, “You can say that again”. 

            In a parody of a margarine commercial I remember from my early teens, Carol plays Mother Nature when she’s offered some “butter”. She says it’s delicious butter but the announcer tells her it’s margarine. She warns, “It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature!” and she causes lightning and thunder. The announcer asks if she’s ever been fooled before. She says “Just once”, then she turns and there’s a baby carriage behind her. 

            Three cheerleaders are subjects of an Ivy dishwashing liquid test. One can’t tell from their soft hands which one is 33 years old. Cass Elliot is the 33 year old. She washes her dishes 16 times a day.

            There’s another one I remember. Carol hears a voice in the bathroom and it’s coming from her toilet tank. It’s the Hidy Bowl Man in a little rowboat (A parody of the Tidy Bowl Man). She flushes him. 

            Cass Elliot sings “There’s a Lull in My Life” by Mack Gordon and Harry Revel from the 1937 film Wake Up and Live. 

            There’s a George and Zelda skit in which George is watching a western movie and Zelda nags him about it. He escapes to a fantasy in which he’s a sheriff in the wild west. Vicki plays a saloon girl in love with him. He learns that Black Bart is after him for a shoot out. Then Zelda invades his fantasy and humiliates him. When Black Bart arrives she tries to flirt with him but he calls her “Sir”. So she beats him up. 

            The rest of the show is a parody of a Sonja Henie movie. She was a Norwegian Olympic figure skater who became a movie star in Hollywood in skating themed movies that were big hits. Ken Berry plays a movie songwriter looking for inspiration in Norway where he meets and falls for Sonja Honey. He writes a song about a south sea island sweetie. They sing “If it snows then let it snow on our jungle bungalow we’ll pua pua wikkie wack the whole night through”. He takes her to Hollywood where she becomes a star. 

            This episode (and 72 others) were co-written by Larry Siegel, who was head writer for four seasons and won three Emmy Awards. His first published work was a poem entitled “Oh Dear What Can Sinatra Be”. He had stories published in Fantasy and Science Fiction. He became Eastern Promotion Manager for Playboy. He became a regular writer of movie parodies in Mad Magazine. He co-wrote the off Broadway musical The Mad Show. That success led to him moving to LA where he was hired to write for Laugh-In. He broke his contract to work for Carol Burnett. He wrote several episodes of That’s My Mama. He was a hero during WWII and he was the only comedy writer to win both an Emmy and a Purple Heart. He taught comedy writing at UCLA for three years and then in his senior years turned to acting and improv.

May 4, 1996: My daughter spent the weekend at my place

Thirty years ago today

            On Saturday I picked up my daughter from her mother’s place in Scarborough and she spent the weekend at my place.

Carol Channing

            On Saturday morning I finished preparing “Ballade de la chnoufe” by Boris Vian for publication on my Christian’s Translations blog. I just have to post a video with it before publishing. 

            I finished translating “Chaussures noires et pompes funèbres” (Black Dress Shoes and Funeral Parlours) by Serge Gainsbourg. I just have to revise it now so it makes sense in English. 

            I weighed 88.45 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since April 17. 

            I played my Martin acoustic during song practice and it went out of tune during every song.

            Around midday I headed out to go to the supermarket. I locked my bike outside and was about to go get my trailer when I ran into my former yoga student at PARC, Moses. We chatted for almost an hour. We were discussing the new federal dental plan and how it’s not enough. They don’t pay for more than one and a half cleanings a year. That should be the most important thing for them to pay for since it would be preventative of all the other tooth problems as well as heart disease. Moses says he does all of his grocery shopping through Amazon. 

            At No Frills I bought five bags of grapes, three packs of raspberries, some bananas, a watermelon, sea salt, three bags of skim milk, a jug of iced tea, a jug of orange juice, a container of skyr, and two bags of Miss Vickie’s chips. 

            I weighed 88.9 kilos at 15:35. That’s the kindest I’ve been to the scale since April 15. 

I had saltines with peanut butter and five year old cheddar with a glass of iced tea. 

            I took a siesta and slept for half an hour but was woken by a call from Nick Cushing, who was in the neighbourhood. He said he’d come by in twenty minutes. I tried to sleep some more but couldn’t. I tidied up a bit before and after he arrived. We chatted for about twenty minutes and then he headed out for a birthday celebration at a bar downtown. 

            I weighed 89 kilos at 18:10. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 19:49. 

            I recorded from cassette tape through audio interface to Audacity and extracted to my hard drive the Howl radio show interview I did on CIUT almost thirty years ago. I was promoting my first chapbook “Vomit of the Star Eater” and sang three poems from the book: “The Princess and the Pea happy Song”, “Vomit of the Star Eater” and “Sleep in the Snow”. Tomorrow I’ll do the flip side which has a rehearsal with Brian Haddon and Donna Bartkiw. 

            I grilled five honey garlic sausages and had one between two halves of a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with ketchup, Dijon, horseradish and a sliced gherkin. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 5, episode 3 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            Steve Lawrence sings “In My Own Lifetime” by Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick for the 1970 musical The Rothschilds.

            In the Carol and Sis sketch Roger takes Carol to a nudist colony because Joe Schorrin wants to meet there and he’s one of Roger’s biggest clients. Carol does not want to be there and does not want to take her clothes off. To make matters worse she has to compare herself to Joe’s tall, beautiful, and voluptuous wife Inga. Roger finally gets Carol to disrobe and to venture out and talk with Inga while he takes his clothes off. But the cops raid the place because their license ran out a month ago and on top of that the bush Carol is holding against her to hide her nakedness is poison ivy.

            Carol Channing sings “Ain’t Misbehavin” by Andy Razaf, Fats Waller and Harry Brooks from 1929; “You’re the Cream in My Coffee” by Ray Henderson, B. G. de Sylva, and Lew Brown from the 1928 musical Hold Everything; and “Button Up Your Overcoat” by the same authors from the 1928 musical Follow Through. 

            In As the Stomach Turns Marian is kissing her insurance salesman goodbye. He asks if she wants to talk about accident insurance. She says, “That won’t be necessary. I’m on the pill”. Jinx Vandenburg comes to Marian’s door and she causes disasters to happen. Marian’s parked car is wrecked, her table is broken, and her bird dies. Jinx left Canoga Falls after the flood. Sammy the faith healer comes to the door. A man walks in on crutches and crawls out without them after being healed. Sammy draws the curse from Jinx and into his own hand. 

            The rest of the show is a tribute to Oscar winning movies. 

            They do a parody of Sorry Wrong Number. Vickie is on the phone with the police telling them about a home invader. She is terrified until she sees how good looking the man is and then she tells the police she’ll call them back. 

            Carol Channing plays Jennifer Jackson, an Oscar winner whose speech lasts several months until they carry her away. 

            A parody of The Story of Louis Pasteur in which Louis presents his cure for rabies to the Academy of Science. The chairman moves that they consider his discovery but accidentally breaks the microscope slide with his gavel. 

            A Parody of The African Queen where Carol plays Hepburn and Steve plays Bogart. She finally gives in to her passion but keeps knocking him overboard. Finally he throws her overboard. 

            Carol, Harvey, and Steve sing and dance a tribute to the silent films. Carol is made up to look like Buster Keaton and Steve and Harvey are Laurel and Hardy. They sabotage each others ice cream carts. Then they get chased by the Keystone Cops. 

            Carol Channing was emotionally drawn to the stage since the 4th grade upon seeing Ethel Waters perform. She majored in Drama and Dance in college and performed in plays at Pocono resorts. Her stage debut was in No For an Answer in 1941. She made her Broadway Debut in Let’s Face It. She became a star performer after Lend an Ear in 1948. She introduced the song “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend” in the original Broadway production of Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. She replaced Gracie Allen on stage with George Burns when Gracie started having heart problems. In 1967 she became the first celebrity to perform in the Superbowl Halftime Show. She won a Tony for her starring role in Hello Dolly. She was nominated for Tonys for The Vamp, Showgirl, and Lorelei. She made her film debut in Paid in Full in 1950. She made her TV debut on Red Skelton in 1957. She was nominated for an Oscar for her role in Thoroughly Modern Millie. She co-starred in The First Travelling Saleslady (in which she gave Clint Eastwood his first onscreen kiss), and Skidoo. She appeared 11 times on What’s My Line? She was the voice of Grandmama on the animated Addams Family series. Her best selling autobiography was called Just Lucky I Guess. Her trademark blonde hair came from wigs because she was allergic to bleach. Her wide eyed look while performing was due to myopia. Her paternal grandmother was black. She was a Christian Scientist. Her second husband was a Canadian football player named Axe Carson who was also a private detective. He was the father of her only child. She was married to her third husband for 43 years until he died. She was on Richard Nixon’s list of enemies.

May 3, 1996: Cops told us we needed a permit to busk

Thirty years ago today 

            On Friday I busked on Queen Street with Brian Haddon and some undercover cops told us we needed a permit. Later we performed on the Spit Fridays open stage in the back room of the Cameron.

Bob Mackie

            On Friday morning I continued to edit “Ballade de la chnoufe” by Boris Vian to prepare it for publication on my Christian’s Translations blog. There are only five verses left to edit so I should have it done tomorrow.

            I continued translating “Chaussures noires et pompes funèbres” (Black Dress Shoes and Funeral Parlours) by Serge Gainsbourg. I might have at least the first draft done tomorrow. 

            I weighed 89.05 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Kramer electric during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time.

            Around midday I cleaned three bathroom wall tiles of overlapped blue paint from when I painted the trim above them a few weeks ago. 

            The landlord knocked on my door and accused me of flooding the restaurant downstairs. Five years ago he also claimed I'd flooded the restaurant when there had been no overflow anywhere in my apartment. I said knew nothing about it and there was no overflow in my place. He called me a liar and wanted to come in. I don’t like him in my place so I told him he needed to make an appointment. He said it was an emergency so he could enter but I doubt if it was still leaking downstairs by then. I heard him in the building for at least an hour before he knocked on my door and therefore it was not an emergency or else he would have knocked right away. I wouldn’t let him in and so he embarrassed himself by calling the police. They gave him a number to call but he dialed it wrong and got some private citizen. He finally left and said he’s going to investigate by opening up the ceiling downstairs. 

            I weighed 90.65 kilos before lunch, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since April 22. 

            I tried to take a siesta but was too stressed to sleep. 

            I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 89.55 kilos at 18:15. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 19:22. 

            I recorded from cassette tape through audio interface to Audacity and then extracted to my hard drive a Christian and the Lions rehearsal in a studio near John and Queen in 1994. Tom Smarda played the Stratocaster, Steve Lowe was on acoustic guitar, I was on vocals, and I think it was Jim Bravo on drums. I don’t think Arjan was there on bass but I guess he might have been. Tomorrow I’ll digitize a tape of one of my Howl interviews on CIUT radio.

            I deleted about 35 photos from my hard drive. 

            I made a new batch of gravy from a combination of pork tenderloin and chicken drippings. I had some with a potato and two chicken drumsticks while watching season 4, episode 26 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup four off duty ushers in the audience ask if Vicki would come out and give them all kisses. She comes out wearing a fat suit for a later skit and kisses them. 

            This is the last show of the season and next year the time slot will be an hour earlier at 20:00.

            The first skit shows the time it takes because of problems to shoot a 45 second commercial. A polaroid camera doesn’t work. An orange tree for Florida orange juice falls over. Harvey gets swallowed by a giant crown while eating Imperial margarine. Moist shaving cream is just a plastic white beard. Room deodorizer makes Carol sneeze. Paul Lynd plays the white haired Man from Grad who tries to show a couple how to use Grad sandwich bags and the pieces of the sandwich fly all over the place. Carol puts a dirty shirt in the washer and it comes out wrapped like before it was bought. Seventeen cab drivers have all been shaved with the same razor but number 17 is backstage now getting a transfusion. 

            The Old Folks, Molly and Burt are at a seniors dance. Emily and Henry sit in rockers beside them. Emily flirts with Burt. Burt says he was around when they first did the Charleston. Molly says, not the dance but the city. They sing the song “Old Folks” from the 1971 musical 70 Girls 70. They and the Ernie Flatt Dancers all dance like old people who don’t move so well. 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch, Roger is at work and he is short a secretary. Carol tries to fill in while wearing hot pants. Another person’s secretary comes in, doesn’t know Carol is Roger’s wife and calls Roger “Rogie”. Then one of Roger’s colleagues comes in and starts flirting with Carol. Roger confesses that he’s jealous and tell her she looks great in hot pants. 

            The dancers do their version of Scaramouche. 

            In As the Stomach Turns, Marian, who usually listens to everybody else’s problems confesses to Nanette Fabray’s character Renee that she is broke. She says she might need to sell herself. Renee says nickels and dimes won’t help. Marian decides she can rent rooms out. Harvey is an actor who comes to rent the room. He casts Renee in a play and takes her to his room to rehearse. Paul Lynd plays a mean banker come to foreclose on Marian’s house. She tries to flirt with him but he gives a subtle indication that he’s gay and that it won’t work on him. He wants to also foreclose on her shoes. 

            The finale is very similar to the end of season 3 with the Charwoman being kissed goodbye by the cast and then reminiscing about several of the skits that were done throughout the season. Then she sings the longer version of her theme song and walks out of the theatre. 

            The costumes for The Carol Burnett Show were designed by Bob Mackie, who studied Design and Illustration at the Chouinard Art Institute. He was first hired in the early 60s by NBC as a costume design illustrator. His television debut as a costume designer was The Hollywood Palace in 1964. The first star to hire him to do the costumes for an entire show was Mitzi Gaynor for her Las Vegas act. He designed for the Jubilee Las Vegas Revue. He also did the costumes for The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour, Whitney Houston, almost all of Cher’s performance costumes, Vanna White, and for Elton John. He won nine Emmy Awards, a Tony Award, and three Academy Award nominations (including Lady Sings the Blues). He was called the sultan of sequins, the guru of glitter, and the rajah of rhinestones. He designed special collectors Barbies for Mattel. He had a line of furniture followed by a second line.

May 2, 1996: I worked somewhere as a figure model

Thirty years ago today

            On Thursday I probably worked as a figure model but I have no record for whom or where it was.

Bernadette Peters

            On Thursday morning I continued to edit “Ballade de la chnoufe” by Boris Vian to prepare it for publication on my Christian’s Translations blog. I might have it finished tomorrow. 

            I continued translating “Chaussures noires et pompes funèbres” (Black Dress Shoes and Funeral Parlours) by Serge Gainsbourg. These are notes for a movie that was never made about a songwriter trying to write a song that a record company will accept. 

            I weighed 88.9 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time. 

            I deleted several images from my hard drive. 

            I weighed 90.25 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and stopped to pee at the McDonald’s at Yonge and College. On the way home I stopped at Freshco where I bought five bags of grapes, two packs of raspberries, some bananas, a pork tenderloin, a jar of marinara, and a pack of Sponge Towels. I did a price match on the grapes and the raspberries with the Food Basics deals of $6.59 a kilo for the grapes and $1.88 a pack for the raspberries. The cashier Maryama seemed annoyed at having to do a price match.

            I weighed 89.55 kilos at 19:05. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 20:09. 

            I recorded from cassette tape through audio interface to Audacity a Christian and the Lions rehearsal with Brian Haddon. At first I couldn’t get a waveform. I fast forwarded the tape then rewound it but there was still no signal. After I fiddled with the line-in jack a bit it started to show. I didn’t have a chance to listen to it because it was time for supper. Tomorrow I’ll listen and if it’s okay I’ll export it to my hard drive. 

            I grilled seven chicken drumsticks and had two with a potato and the last of my gravy while watching season 4, episode 24 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone asks Carol her favourite character and she says Zelda the nagging wife. 

            Twin girl scouts come up and want to give Carol Girl Scout cookies but she buys them and also makes a donation of $20, which would be like $200 now. 

            Bernadette Peters sings “Tea For Two” by Vincent Youmans and Irving Caesar from No No Nanette 1924 while tap dancing with Don Crichton. A lot of singers can dance a bit and a lot of dancers can sing okay but she’s uniquely very good at both, while acting at the same time. No wonder she’s such a big star on Broadway. 

            In the first skit Carol plays a tomboy and Bernadette a frilly and snooty little girl. Bernadette tells Carol she didn’t invite her to her party but Carol says she wouldn’t go anyway because she hates parties. Bernadette asks how she knows she hates them since she’s never been to one. Carol says she knows they play kissing games. Carol meets Bernadette's third boyfriend this week who's a sissy played by Harvey. They leave and then Carol meets a boy scout played by Lyle, who’s the brother of Harvey’s character and they like each other. He invites her to be his date at Bernadette’s party but neither of them has ever kissed and so they practice. They pucker up with their eyes closed first and then bump their foreheads together. 

            Mike Douglas sings “(Where Do I Begin) Love Story” by Francis Lai and Carl Sigman from 1971. 

            The acting couple Funt and Mundane are performing a play called “Out of the Blue” in a barn in Nebraska. Mosquitos, bad weather and farm animals make their performances a slapstick disaster. 

            Carol tells Mike that every housewife in the country is in love with him. He says the feeling is mutual and he’d like to give each of them a kiss. Carol reminds Mike that she’s a housewife and so he kisses her. They sing “I Think I Love You” by Tony Romeo from 1970, which was a hit for The Partridge Family. Then they sing “For All We Know” by Fred Karlin, Robb Royer and Jimmy Griffin from the movie Lovers and Other Strangers. It was most famously done by The Carpenters. 

            There’s a parody of the musical The Most Happy Fella. Old Greek Nick gets a mail order bride named Stella who falls for Nick’s handyman Jerry. They feel a literal magnetic pull to each other which they resist until they finally start making out in the hay where Nick catches them. Nick tries to shoot Jerry but misses and kills Stella. Then Nick and Jerry do a Greek dance together. 

            Some retired Broadway performers read about the resurgent success of the 1919 musical No No Nanette and so they think their kind of musical could be big again and there’s a chance for them. They sing and dance to “Broadway My Street” from the 1971 musical 70 Girls 70 by John Kander and Fred Ebb. 

            Bernadette Peters’ show business career began on Juvenile Jury at the age of 3.5. She got her Actors Equity card at the age of 9. Her stage debut was in This is Goggle. She attended Quinatono’s School for Young Professionals. She recorded her first single in 1962. She made her Broadway debut in Johnny No Trump in 1967. She starred in the original Broadway productions of Sunday in the Park with George, Mack and Mabel, and Into the Woods. She has been nominated for seven Tonys and won two (For Song and Dance and Annie Get Your Gun). She co-starred in the sitcom All’s Fair and was nominated for a Golden Globe. She appeared 11 times on The Carol Burnett Show. She hosted Saturday Night Live in 1981. She was nominated for Emmys for her guest appearances on The Muppet Show and Ally McBeal. She had a recurring character on Ugly Betty. She was the voice and singing voice of Rita the Stray cat on Animaniacs. She co-starred in Silent Movie, The Jerk, Pennies from Heaven (for which she won the Golden Globe), Pink Cadillac, She starred in Slaves of New York, Coming Up Roses, . She was the youngest performer to be inducted into the Theatre Hall of Fame. She’s considered to be the foremost interpreter of the works of Stephen Sondheim. She co-hosted the Tony Awards in 2002. She’s recorded three albums and three of them have been nominated for Grammys. She had a top 40 hit with “Gee Whiz”. She’s written three children’s, all of them featuring dogs. She was in a relationship with Steve Martin for four years.