May 24, 1996: Since it was Bob Dylan's birthday I performed my version of "Mr. Tambourine Man"

Thirty years ago today

            On Friday evening, since it was Bob Dylan’s birthday I performed my version of his song “Mr. Tambourine Man” on the Spit Fridays open stage in the back room of The Cameron.

Lucette Aldous

            On Friday morning I continued to work on memorizing the eighth verse of L'anguille (The Eel) by Boris Vian. 

            I also struggled with learning the third verse of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. It’s a simple song but it’s very hard to memorize because every verse is similar but slightly different so it’s easier to get the lines mixed up than it would be if they were completely different. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune for about five songs. 

            Around midday I touched up the underside of the metal bathroom rack with Blue Bliss paint. On Sunday since I don’t think I’ll need to clean my humidifier I’ll touch up the top and then it will be ready to mount on the wall, perhaps on Wednesday. 

            I weighed 89.95 kilos before lunch. I think my scale has recovered from when I dropped it a few days ago. It was registering about 2 kilos too few for a while but now it’s closer to what I weighed when I was at my doctor’s office. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 89.45 kilos at 18:00. I was caught up in my journal at 20:40. 

            I grilled eight chicken drumsticks and had two with a potato and gravy. 

            I went onto Discord because my daughter Astrid and I had a date to watch Wednesday but she didn’t show. I know she didn’t forget because she messaged me at 12:30 and said she was going to bed but would set an alarm for 20:30. Probably she’d been up all night and slept through the alarm. 

            I waited an hour until 22:00 and then kept my mic open while watching season 7, episode 12 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            This episode was her special live show from the Sidney Opera House in Australia. The show opens on the plane as the cast discuss how when one goes to Australia one loses a day. Harvey says it’s better than the other way. When you go to New York you lose your wallet, your watch and some teeth. Tim Conway says you lose in one direction and gain in the other, “Sounds like one of my wife’s diets”.

            Carol opens the show at the Opera House by singing “Today” by Jerry Herman from the 1966 musical Mame. 

            Carol talks with the audience about making “Waltzing Matilda” the Australian nation anthem. There’s a contest to rewrite the lyrics to make it anthem worthy rather than being about a poacher who commits suicide. A vote was taken but “Waltzing Matilda” didn’t win. It’s considered to be Australia’s national song but not its anthem. Carol says, “You had a contest for this building so it will only take 47 years. 

            In the first skit Tim Conway, in his old man character, plays Arthur Arthurstein, the oldest conductor in the world. He stumbles around as usual, then he swats a fly. In trying to shake the fly off the swatter he conducts the 1812 Overture by Rossini. He then somersaults off the stage. 

            Lucette Aldous and Edward Villella dance "Le Corsaire Pas de Deux". 

            In the next skit the husband and with acting team Funt and Mundane played by Harvey and Carol are to play a theatre in Australia. But the producer has locked Mundane in her dressing room because she’s drunk and Vicki the understudy will be playing her part. But after the play has started Mundane breaks out and staggers loudly onto the stage in character. On top of that, Funt’s toupee keeps flipping forward half off whenever he bends over. Vicki’s opening line was “I have left my husband Horace for you” but Mundane says, “I have left my husband’s horse for you”. Funt tries to ad lib that she is just a neighbour that’s wandered in by mistake. She looks at Vicki and thinks Funt’s character Reginald has gotten a new mirror. Funt and Vicki are doing a scene on the couch. Mundane sits on top of him without knowing his there. She feels his legs coming out from under her dress and thinks she’s gone numb in her own legs. Horace played by Lyle comes in with a gun. Funt punches Mundane and she falls behind the couch. She comes out with a hammer and taps the floor a few times, then she announces that the Sidney Opera House is finished. Horace has come to shoot Mundane’s and Vicki’s character Helen. He shoots Mundane but Vicki who is standing behind her falls down playing dead. Reginald mourns over her even as Mundane pulls her up standing alive. Then she pulls off both Funt’s toupee and Vicki’s wig and they run from the stage. 

            In the final skit Carol’s character the Charwoman comes out onto the stage alone and it’s set up as the set of the Swan Lake ballet. This is a re-enactment of the skit from season 4, episode 19 in which the Charwoman joins the other ballerina’s as a swan but still wearing her boots. Edward Villella’s character shoots the swan played by Lucette Aldous with a crossbow and the Charwoman punches him out. But then she does a comical pas de deux with him. He can’t lift her and so she lifts him. 

            Then the Charwoman sits on her bucket and sings “I Could Have Danced All Night” by Frederick Loewe and Alan Jay Lerner from the 1956 musical My Fair Lady. 

            Lucette Aldous started training at the age of 3. At 17 she received a scholarship to study at the Royal Ballet School in London. She made her professional debut at 19 with the Ballet Rambert in Variations on a Theme. She joined the London Festival Ballet in 1963. She became the resident principle dancer of The Australian Ballet in 1971. She co-starred in the film adaptation of the ballet Don Quixote. In the mid 70s she retired from full time performing and taught at the Australian Ballet School. She was recognized as an Australian Living Treasure in 2004. She was appointed a Companion of the Order of Australia in 2018.

May 23, 1996: I posed for artists somewhere

Thirty years ago today

            I probably posed for some art school or some group of artists but I have no record where.

Gene Perret

            On Thursday morning I worked on memorizing the eighth verse of L'anguille (The Eel) by Boris Vian. 

            I weighed 86.1 kilos before breakfast, which would be the lightest I’ve been in the morning since September 6 if the scale was correct but I think it’s registering about 2 kilos less than the truth. 

            I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the last of four sessions and it went out of tune on every song. 

            I was still behind on my journal and worked on getting caught up. 

            I weighed 90.5 kilos before lunch. I think that’s more accurate than my weight at breakfast time. That’s the furthest up I’ve pushed the scale in the early afternoon since May 1.

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and stopped at Freshco on the way back. I bought one bag of cherries, four bags of grapes, two packs of blueberries, some bananas, a pack of Swiss rolls, a strip loin steak, a bag of frozen fries, a pack of Full City Dark coffee, a bag of frozen samosas, a pack of frozen mini-quiches, a jar of salsa, and a tub of vanilla bean Hagen Dazs. 

            I weighed 89.5 kilos at 19:05. On the evening of May 11 I was heavier. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still behind at suppertime. 

            I had a potato with gravy and a reheated T-bone steak while watching season 7, episode 10 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            Carol plays Denice and Tim Conway plays Harold. He arrives at her place late and explains that his dog got sick and he took him to the vet where a chimpanzee bit him, then the doctor gave him a shot. Harold and Denice plan to get married and he’s there to meet her father for the first time. But Harold has a reaction to the injection he received causing him to behave like a chimp. Her father arrives and at first thinks Harold is joking around with his apelike behaviour. The father asks Harold what he does for a living and he says he’s a CPA. The father is pleased and says, “Oh, that’s a certified public accountant!” Harold corrects him that he’s a car parking attendant. Harold removes the father’s toupee and puts it on his own head. He tries to get it back but Harold climbs to the top of a high bookshelf. The father thinks Harold is insane and calls the police while Harold throws fruit at him. The father starts making chimp sounds and it calms Harold down so he keeps doing it. But when the police arrive they take the father away, as the drug Harold received has worn off. 

            Steve Lawrence sings “Maybe This Time” by John Kander and Fred Ebb, first recorded in 1964 by Liza Minelli. 

            Harvey plays Milt Lekki as he hosts the event of famed acting coach Stella Toddler (Carol’s parody of Stella Adler) having her footprints immortalized in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre in Hollywood. Carol plays Adler as being old and confused and she is also the victim of Lekki’s clumsiness as his sweeping gestures often knock her down. She ends up falling into the cement when he’s posing for the camera and disappears beneath the surface. 

            Carol plays a plain looking woman named Sally in glasses who is in love with Buddy, a plain looking guy who sees her as beautiful. She sings “In Buddy’s Eyes” by Stephen Sondheim from the 1971 musical Follies. When Buddy arrives we see her through his eyes and now she looks glamourous with no glasses. He sings a song I can’t identify but a couple of the lines are, “Slip into something more comfortable like my arms” and “My nine to five o’clock tales sound better after cocktails”. She sings “Just in Time” by Jule Styne, Betty Comden, and Adolph Green from the 1956 musical Bells Are Ringing. 

            There’s a skit performed by Harvey, Tim and Steve that presents business relationships as being similar to romantic relationships. Tim plays a successful business owner and Harvey plays an advertising executive. He used to hold Tim’s account but Tim left it for Steve’s firm. Harvey and Tim meet over dinner in a restaurant and Harvey wants Tim back. The comedy is in how much it appears like a romance with a jilted lover wanting the loved on back. Then Steve arrives and says he knows what’s going on. He says he knows Tim has been flirting with other firms too. Tim says it’s not how it looks but Steve pulls a gun and kills Harvey. Tim is impressed with how Steve took control and stays with his firm. 

            The cast and the guests protest to Carol that all she cares about on her show are laughs. They remind her that they are also actors and they each want her to let them perform their favourite dramatic death scene. Vicki wants to perform the scene from The Red Shoes in which the heroine dances herself to death. Tim wants to die in an airplane. Carol agrees and they all perform a song about death scenes that I think was written just for the skit. “Pow pow bang bang bang… I love you!” Steve Lawrence begins with an imitation of James Cagney getting shot by the cops. Lyle plays a cowboy who dies in a quickdraw showdown. Harvey imitates a dying Peter Lorre. The dancers do a dance in which they all shoot each other. Carol dies coughing in Harvey’s arms. She says she wants to hear her concerto one last time. She hears the music, says “That wasn’t it” and then dies. Tim mimes flying in a plane and adds the sound effects with his voice. The engine goes out and he walks out onto the wing to jump but forgets his parachute so he walks back to the cockpit to put it on. But then the engine comes back on and settles back in to fly the plane but it hits a mountain. Before and in between each of these death scenes Vicki can be seen dancing by and saying she’s not ready. Now she collapses while the shoes keep moving and dies. 

            One of the writers for The Carol Burnett Show was Gene Perret, who co-wrote 120 episodes and co-won 3 Emmy Awards. He wrote five episodes of Welcome Back Kotter. He worked for Bob Hope for 28 years, writing his television specials and his USO Christmas tours.

May 22, 1996: I performed on the open stage at the Csarda

Thirty years ago today 

            On Wednesday Brian Haddon and I rehearsed for our upcoming performances at my open stage and at the Art Bar Reading Series. Later I went to the Art Bar at the Csarda on Elm Street and performed on the open stage.

Petula Clark

            On Wednesday morning I memorized the seventh verse of L'anguille (The Eel) by Boris Vian. There are three verses left to stuff in my head but the last one is almost identical to the sixth.

            I memorized the second verse of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. 

            I weighed 86.65 kilos before breakfast, which would be the lightest I’ve been since December 20 if the scale is right. 

            I had to skip song practice because I had an 11:00 appointment with Dr. Max Xia at the U of T School of Dentistry. I left at 10:00 and got there at 10:45. It was my last time seeing Dr. Xia because he’s graduating. My bone graft looks fine so far. He cleaned some plaque from the inside of some of my teeth. He said the next step towards getting the implant will be another CT scan in about a month. If the scan shows the bone graft is healthy under the gums then perhaps in August my next student periodontist will put in the screw. Then after about four months the crown will be mounted on top. 

            I stopped at Freshco on the way home to buy five bags of cherries. 

            I weighed 87.8 kilos before lunch. I had saltines with five-year-old cheddar and a glass of iced tea with limeade. 

            I took a siesta from 14:30 to 16:16. 

            I weighed 86.95 kilos at 16:50. 

            I was still behind on my journal so I worked on getting caught up. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with black olive paste, marinara, tomato pesto, two sliced cheese sausages, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 7, episode 9 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone asks who is Carol’s favourite actor. She says James Stewart. 

            Carol did a play with Rock Hudson last summer called I Do I Do, and in it she did a bump and grind. 

            Two children give Carol a koala piggy bank because she’s taking the show to Australia. In Australia she’ll be meeting the queen who will be visiting there at the same time. Good Housekeeping has hired Carol to interview Elizabeth II. Apparently though that meeting never took place. Elizabeth however reportedly enjoyed Carol’s parodies of her. 

            A Funt and Mundane sketch has the married acting couple about to perform in a theatre with a big movie producer in the audience. But Mundane breaks her contact lenses and her glasses before going on. Their play is a disaster as she stumbles around the stage either breaking things or facing in the wrong direction. In the end she knocks down the back wall of the set. 

            Petula Clark sings the 1973 song “Silver Spoon” by Judi Pulver. 

            In an airport Tim Conway is behind the security desk stamping boarding passes. Harvey Korman has five minutes until his flight. Harvey is going to Los Angeles and Tim uses a different stamp for every letter of the name of the city. Harvey has one suitcase containing some toiletries and a reel of film. The film is a documentary and he’s taking it to the major studios because he has hopes of winning an Oscar. Harvey gives Tim the key but it breaks in the lock. He uses various damaging tools to break open the suitcase, he sees what’s in it and closes the case but he has lest Harvey’s shaving cream upright and the pressure from the top of the case causes shaving cream fill it up and cover Harvey’s film. Tim tries to wipe it off but sends the reel flying while he’s still holding on to one end. 

            Carol and Vicki play Bernice and Sally co-workers lunching at the Nosh and Rye when Harvey comes in and sits down at a nearby table. Carol says his name is Jerry. Vicki asks if it’s the famous Jerry who dumped her. Carol fantasizes that as she’s leaving Jerry calls her name and asks her to sit down. In her fantasy she’s elegant, confident and not wearing glasses. He says he’s often dreamed of her and is miserable without her. She is cool and says she feels nothing. When the dream is over and Bernice really leaves she walks by Jerry’s table and tries to subtly get his attention. He looks up from his newspaper and asks indifferently, “How ya been?” She sits down without an invitation and it turns out he doesn’t even know who she is. When he finally does remember that they dated he’s still indifferent. Bernice leaves thinking that she just destroyed him. 

            In As The Stomach Turns, Marian is depressed because nobody has any problems to share with her. Arnold W. Minty, Canoga Falls’ second handsomest attorney who never married comes to see her. Harvey plays him as very effeminate and so the implication is he never married because he’s gay. She hopes he’s bringing bad news but he’s there to tell her to her disappointment that she’s inherited $50,000 ($338,000 today). The phone rings and she hopes it’s her obscene caller but it’s someone else’s obscene caller and it’s a wrong number. Her daughter (played by Vicki) arrives but for the first time she doesn’t have a baby. She’s reformed and joined the Girl Scouts. Lyle and Petula arrive and cheer Marian up by telling her they’ve come to contest the will. Lyle says Petula is Marian’s twin sister, identical in every way except for her appearance. Lyle says he is Hilton Obrien, Olympic weightlifter and freelance bellhop. Marian asks Petula for proof that she’s her sister. Petula says she has the same birthmark as Marian. Marian says only the brass section of the Tommy Dorsey band knows where that birthmark is located. Then Marian’s heavy breather calls and she invites him over. He arrives immediately and he’s played by Tim Conway in his old man character. The heavy breathing is mostly because he’s out of breath. He gives Marian his card which reads Obscene Phone Call Unlimited: Marvin Peterson and Son. He says he’s the son. Marian gets another obscene phone call and this one is fantastic. Peterson Jr. listens and it’s his father. Junior tells dad he’s making a house call. He listens to his father and laughs a ridiculous laugh for a long time that causes Carol to crack up and turn away. The father invites Marian and her sister to go skinny breathing by the lake and Marian agrees because then she can check if Petula really has the same birthmark. Marian’s daughter comes down to show she’s just had a baby and she’s married Hilton, who performed the ceremony in his capacity as a freelance rabbi. But he confesses to also be married to Petula. Petula confesses she’s not Marian’s sister but whispers in her ear who she is, which changes who Vickie is. 

            Carol and Petula sing the 1973 song “Yesterday Once More” by Richard Carpenter and John Bettis. 

            Harvey plays Harvey the K, a flamboyant and flashy TV DJ with a big pompadour, hosting a dance party. Vicki, in a tight outfit has gotten really hot over the years. She sings a song similar to “Willie and the Hand Jive” by Johnny Otis, based on the same "Bo Diddly" melody. She slaps a rhythm on the behind of one of the dancers as he does to her. This is Vicki’s best performance on the show. 

            Harvey sings and dances to "The Peppermint Twist" with backup from Carol and Petula, also wearing tight dresses. 

            Petula Clark was a music hall and radio star at the age of 10. She made her radio debut on the BBC Overseas Service in October of 1942 singing for the troops. She was known as the Shirley Temple of Britain and British troops would put her picture on their tanks for good luck. She made her film debut in Medal for the General in 1944. She co-starred in London Town, Here Come the Huggetts, Vote for Huggett, Huggetts Abroad, Vice Versa, The Romantic Age, Dance Hall, White Corridors, Madame Louise, The Card, Made in Heaven, The Runaway Bus, The Gay Dog, The Happioness of 3 Women, Track the Man Down, Goodbye Mr. Chips, Her first starring role was in Don’t Ever Leave Me in in 1949. She starred in Never Never Land. She acted in radio comedies such as Life of Bliss. On TV she hosted Petula Clark and Pet’s Parlour. Her first top 10 hit was “The Little Shoemaker” in 1954. She fell for a Frenchman in 1960 and moved to France. By 1962 she was the top female singer in France with hits such as “Chariot” (The original version of “I Will Follow Him”), “Romeo” (her first gold record), “Coeur Blessé”, and “Ya Ya Twist”. She also had hits in German, Italian, and Spanish. Her song “Sailor” was her first #1 hit in the UK. Jacques Brel gave her his song “Un enfant” as a present and her recording charted in Canada. She wrote the scores for several French films. In 1965 she became an international superstar with “Downtown” (for which she won two Grammy awards). Her song “You’re the One” was a hit for The Vogues in 1965. She wrote “Je chant doucement”, “Que fais-tu la Petula”, “L’agent secret”, and “Bleu blanc rouge”, which were hits in Canada and Europe. By 1966 she’d had hits with “I Couldn’t Live Without Your Love”, “This is My Song”, “Sign of the Times”, and “Don’t Sleep in the Subway”. She starred in the BBC series This is Petula from 1966 to 1968; and The Sound of Petula from 1972 to 1974. In 1968 she did a TV special in the US with special guest Harry Belafonte. While they did a duet with Belafonte of her own song “Paths of Glory”, during which she touched his arm. This scandalized a lot of southern US viewers but the show aired four days after the Martin Luthor King Jr. assassination and received high ratings as well as an Emmy nomination. She was nominated for a Golden Globe for her performance in Finian’s Rainbow in 1968. She was performing in Montreal during John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s Sleep in and provided backing vocals for “Give Peace a Chance”. In Canada in the 70s she had a major hit with, "Je Voudrais Qu'il Soit Malheureux". She broke house records starring as Maria in The Sound of Music in 1981 and 82, and Maria von Trapp declared her the best Maria ever. She wrote the music for Someone LIke You. She made her Broadway debut in Blood Brothers in 1993. She’s been a Vegas headliner since 1966. She was made Commander of the Order of the British Empire by Queen Elizabeth in 1998. In 2000 she debuted her one woman show in Montreal. In 2012 she was made a Commander of the Order of Arts and Letters in Paris. In 2018 she released an album of French songs composed by French Canadian songwriters. Her autobiography Is That You Petula? was published in 2025.

May 21, 1996: I hosted the Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage as always

Thirty years ago today

            On Tuesday night as always I hosted my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage in the Art Bar of The Gladstone Hotel.