Durward Kirby

            On Friday morning I revised my translation of the fifteenth verse of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. 

            I wasn’t quite able to memorize the fourth verse of “Dessous mon pull” (Under My Sweater) by Serge Gainsbourg but I should have it nailed down tomorrow.

            I weighed 88.3 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the second of four sessions and it went out of tune during every song. 

            At 13:00 I went downstairs to meet my upstairs neighbour David because we were scheduled to go to lunch. After five minutes I called him but there was no answer. I went back up to my place and called him again and this time he answered. He asked me to come up to his place for lunch and so I did. All he has for furniture are folding chairs. he sat me down in a very uncomfortable high folding chair. He stir fried some stewing beef with cherry tomatoes and Ethiopian spices and served it to me on a plate with two slices of dry bread. I asked if I could sit on a lower folding chair. The meat was tough and hard to swallow. He gave me a bottle of water that tasted flat. There were no utensils and so I had to eat with my hands. I found out he has bedbugs. He says his girlfriend pointed them out. He’s had bedbugs ever since I’ve known him so I don’t know why he was surprised. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 89.5 kilos at 18:00, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the evening since March 14.

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still behind at suppertime. 

            I baked a salmon fillet and had it with a potato and gravy while watching season 3, episode 11 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup Carol brings out her special guests Garry Moore and Durward Kirby. Someone asks when they started working together. Garry says Carol first guested on his daytime show in 1956. He adds that he and Durward have been together off and on since 1940. Carol says she became a regular on Garry’s show in October of 1959. 

            The first skit features Carol and Harvey as The Old Folks. They are sitting in their back yard on New Years Eve and so obviously it’s California. Molly says she’s thinking of turning on Guy Lombardo. Harvey says he doesn’t think that’s possible. They sing “Do You Love Me?” by Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick from Fiddler on the Roof. 

            The second skit is a British courtroom drama featuring the trial of Mrs. Peter Piper. Mrs. Piper is played by Carol. Gary is the prosecutor and Durward the defender. Mrs. Piper is on trial for murdering her husband. The lawyers keep trading off to ask Mrs. Piper questions as she’s the only witness. In one round the defender just establishes Mrs. Piper’s name before saying “Your witness”. She says her husband was in the business of picking pecks of pickled peppers. The prosecutor accuses her of pecking in Picadilly Park with Paul Peters the porker and when Peter threatened to plug her she popped him on the pate with a poker. He says her true identity is Cecily Susan Sussman of Sussex and she sells seashells by the sea shore. She tells the story of killing her husband and his lover all in “S” alliteration in a British accent. The prosecutor asks the court stenographer to read back what she said. The court stenographer is Jim Nabors who says, “Gollay!” and proceeds to repeat it in his Gomer Pyle accent.

            Carol recites a poem she wrote when she was 12: 

I wish I was a Christmas star 

perched atop a tree 

Folks would see me from afar 

because of how bright I’d be 

I’d shine all night I’d shine all day 

A lovely sight to see 

folks would look at me and say 

We should have got a bell 

            Carol sings “Make Your Own Kind of Music” by Barry Mann and Cynthia Weil, which was a hit for Mama Cass in 1969. 

            Gary and Durward are co-hosts of a children’s show. They tell the kids to get close to their TVs and not to worry about the radiation because nobody lives forever (The cathode ray tubes of that era emitted low level X-rays but the fear of harm was unfounded). They encourage children to hold their breath until they turn blue to force their parents to buy the toys they are advertising. There is an Ed Sullivan doll that does everything the real Ed Sullivan does, which is nothing. 

            Harvey Korman does an impersonation of Tom Jones singing “It’s Not Unusual” by Les Reed and Gordon Mills. 

            Next there is one of Carol’s autobiographical sketches. Carol has a bad cold but still Roger has poker night at their place. She complains that every time his friends come over it takes her a week to clean up after them. Despite Roger telling her she could go to bed, after they come she has to wait on them the whole time. Carol gets knocked out by the kitchen door. 

            In a parody of To Tell the Truth three women claim to be Elizabeth Taylor. When the real one stands up, the host steals her diamonds. 

            Garry recites “A Christmas Wish” by Henry Van Dyke. It’s actually a segment of his larger poem “Keeping Christmas”. 

            Then the Bob Mitchell Boys Choir sings “Sleighride” by Leroy Anderson and Mitchell Parish from 1947. One of the boys in the choir has a black eye. Carol notices this and has been calling him “Shiner” all week. She asks his name and it’s Ronnie Stewart. She wants to know how he got the black eye and he explains that he got into a fight with another boy in the choir named Mike. They fought because Ronnie was in a folding bed and Mike folded it while he was in it. She has them shake hands and make up. She says the choir appeared in the movie Going My Way. 

            Carol, Vicki and the choir sing “Do You Know How Christmas Trees Are Grown?” by John Barry and Hal David. It first appeared in the 1969 James Bond film On Her Majesty’s Secret Service and it’s the only Christmas song to ever be sung in a James Bond film. It was sung by Danish singer Nina van Palandt. Everybody sings “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”. 

            Durward Kirby began studying Engineering at Perdue University but dropped out to become a radio announcer. He co-hosted the radio show Club Matinee in Chicago with Garry Moore. He acted in summer stock theatre. He was the announcer for the short film Musical Shipmates in 1946. He was the host of General Electric Guest House in 1951. He was the sidekick of Garry Moore for the long running Garry Moore Show. In 1961 he threatened to sue Rocky and Bullwinkle over the character on the Bullwinkle Show who was named Kirwood Derby. He co-hosted Candid Camera from 1961 to 1966. He wrote three books: My Life, Bits and Pieces of This and That, and a children’s book called Dooley Wilson.

April 18, 1996: I either posed or busked

Thirty years ago today

            On Thursday I probably worked but I don’t know where. This is the one period in my whole career up until September 1996 for which I’m missing a daily planner.

George Carlin

            On Thursday morning I revised my translation of the fourteenth verse of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. 

            I memorized the third verse of “Dessous mon pull” (Under My Sweater) by Serge Gainsbourg. There are only three more verses to learn and that’s only eight lines so I might have it all in my head this weekend. 

            I weighed 88.45 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since April 6. 

            I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the first of four sessions and it went out of tune during every song. It also feels like the action has gone up. 

            Around midday I went over to Family Dentistry to make an appointment. My top front filling needs to be fixed and I need to find out if my denture can be altered so I can wear it again. The shape of the gap has changed since I got the bone graft and it will be several months before I get the implant. 

            I weighed 89.55 kilos before lunch. March 7 was the last early afternoon when I was so rough on the scale. 

            In the afternoon I headed out for a bike ride but it was raining and so I only went to Brock and Seaforth, then south to Queen and east to Freshco. I bought five bags of grapes, one pack of raspberries, some bananas, a pack of Full City Dark coffee, a container of lemon dish detergent, and a pack of Sponge Towels. I did a price match on the grapes with the food Basics price of $6.58 a kilo.

            I weighed 89.4 kilos at 17:30. The highest in the evening since March 14.

            I was still behind on my journal at suppertime. 

            I had a potato with gravy and the rest of my pork ribs while watching season 3, episode 9 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            A clean shaven, short haired George Carlin does a comedy routine. He says he thinks the Emmy awards are biased towards the big shows and that the small shows should receive consideration. Shows like Sermonette, which he says he watches religiously. He says he likes it because every religion gets a platform, but then he corrects himself and says, “Well, not every religion. When was the last time you saw a good old fashioned human sacrifice? Maybe on Ed Sullivan but not Sermonette”. Another award neglected show is the FBI list of wanted men. If it had a bigger budget they could jazz up the show and maybe win an award. Then he acts out that alternative reality he calls The J. Edgar Hoover Show. With music by The Mothers of Detention. 

            Carol performs a song that an audience member named Sue Vogelsanger gave her three weeks before. It took her some time learn it but they turn it into a big production complete with dancers. The song is from the point of view of a housewife who fantasizes about travelling the world. The set design has large three dimensional letters making up Sue Vogelsanger’s name but rearranged to make different words like “LOVE” during the performance. 

            In the next skit Carol and Lucille Ball are two flight attendants in competition for employee of the month. A Latin man with a beard boards the plane and it is clear to the audience but not to Carol and Lucy that he plans to hijack the plane. In that era there were several hijackings of planes that were forced to fly to Cuba. Lucy picks up that the man is Cuban and he asks how she knows. She says, “If there’s one thing I know it’s a Cuban accent”. That’s a reference to her husband Desi Arnaz. Carol and Lucy fight over making him comfortable to the point of causing him pain. Even after he pulls a gun they fight over who’s going to help him. In a tug of war of the man between Carol and Lucy trying to please him, he is eventually accidentally tossed off the plane to fall to his death. 

            Then Vicki and Lyle come out with guitars and sing “Try a Little Kindness” by Curt Sapaugh and Bobby Austin that was a big hit for Glen Campbell in 1969. Vicki does double duty as she also joins the dancers during the instrumental break but dances out of the circle and must have retrieved her guitar quickly before the last verse. 

            Next Carol is singing in the shower. She starts with a couple of lines of “Singin in the Rain” by Alan Freed and Nacio Herb Brown from 1929. Then she goes into “I Say a Little Prayer” by Burt Bacharach and Hal David from 1966. There are comical moments when water gets in her mouth. Then she wraps herself in a towel and leaves the shower where we see the band still playing as the water falls on them. 

            There is a parody of Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice with Harvey, Carol, Lyle and Lucy all in bed together. But the scenario is different from the movie in which the two couples try and fail to swing. In this case the other couple simply needed a place to stay and the hosts had no extra bedroom. 

            The final sketch begins on Vaudeville in 1919. Harvey plays the announcer Tommy Two Step and he introduces The Rock Sisters, played by Carol and Lucy. They sing and dance a happy song about love and pretend to play several instruments. But they’ve been doing the same act for a long time and they are fired for not changing. Fifty years later a DJ named Big Daddy (played by George Carlin) announces a big rock concert happening tonight and featuring 100 bands. He’s with his dumb assistant Tandalayo (played by Vicki Lawrence). She tells him that the 100th band Stark Naked and the Calcuttas have canceled. He says he promised the kids 100 acts and some of them can count so he needs a new 100th act. He has to leave for rehearsal and so he leaves it up to Tandalayo to look in the files and find another act. When she looks in the file cabinet an old file falls out and the name is The Rock Sisters. She assumes they are a rock band and calls to book them. They haven’t performed in 50 years and they are elderly but they go to the Neptune Theatre, which is where they last performed. Band 99, The Frozen Nostrils is pretending to perform “Commotion” by John Fogerty and the actual music is just the recording by Creedence Clearwater Revival. When the Rock Sisters come out the audience starts laughing. But the guys from the previous band come out to tell the audience to give them a chance. They do their old act while the Nostrils help to keep them from falling over and then join in. They win the audience over. 

            George Carlin was raised by a single mother and spent a lot of time alone listening to the radio while she worked. He started doing impressions of radio personalities. He was expelled from cardinal Hayes High School in the Bronx. He joined the US Air Force as a radar technician and was court martialed three times. He worked as a DJ. He did a morning show with Jack Burns and called themselves The Wright Brothers. He started out as a conventional comedian and had a considerable amount of success at $250,000 a year. . He was part of a comedy duo with Jack Burns from 1960 to 1962. He made his TV debut on The Tonight Show starring Jack Paar. But in the 60s he changed his act and started dealing with more serious contemporary topics. He also began to dress extremely casually on stage and he lost 90% of his income. He was arrested with Lenny Bruce in 1962 because when the cops asked him for identification he told them he didn’t belief in government issued ID card. His “Seven words you can’t say on TV” ("Shit', 'piss', 'fuck', 'cunt', 'cocksucker', 'motherfucker', and 'tits') routine became part of a larger censorship case that went all the way to the Supreme Court in 1978. The court ruled that the routine was indecent but free speech gave him the right to say it. He was one of Johnny Carson’s favourite guest hosts for The Tonight Show. He was the first host on the first episode of Saturday Night Live. He was a regular on the Tony Orlando and Dawn variety show. He made his film debut in With Six You Get Eggroll in 1968. He co-starred in Americathon, Car Wash, Bill and ted’s Excellent Adventure, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, Jersey Girl, He played Mr. Conductor on the children’s show Shining Time Station. Later he became more and more critical of conservatism and increasingly more popular with audiences. His sitcom The George Carlin Show lasted two seasons and he said he had a great time and loved the actors but couldn’t wait to get the fuck out. He was fired in Las Vegas for criticizing people who go to Las Vegas. He won five Grammy Awards for comedy albums. He had 14 HBO specials. His autobiography was called Last Words. Comedy Central rated him the second greatest stand up comic of all time. He said it’s the duty of the comedian to find the line and cross it. He said voting gives you the illusion that you have the power of choice but you don’t. The politicians you vote for own you. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. Dishonesty is the second best policy. If teachers could influence sexuality I would have become a nun.

April 17, 1996: I performed at Fat Albert's and the Art Bar reading series

Thirty years ago today

            On Wednesday Brian Haddon and I rehearsed for our upcoming feature performances at Fat Albert’s and the Art Bar reading series. In the evening I performed on the open stages of both places.

Merv Griffin

            On Wednesday morning I revised my translation of the thirteenth verse of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. 

            I memorized the second verse of “Dessous mon pull” (Under My Sweater) by Serge Gainsbourg. There are four more verses to learn and the last three lines of every verse are the same and so I just have to learn four new lines of each verse.

            I weighed 87.45 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since April 2. 

            I played my Kramer electric during song practice and it stayed in tune the whole time. Tomorrow I begin a four session stretch of playing my Martin acoustic. 

            In the early afternoon I did my laundry. I wanted to paint in the bathroom but I was almost out of underwear so it had to be laundry day. 

            I weighed 88 kilos at 16:10. That’s the easiest I’ve been on the scale in the early afternoon since March 28. I had saltines with peanut butter, five-year-old cheddar, baba ghanoush and a glass of iced tea. 

            I took a siesta until 18:10. 

            I went out and bought a six-pack of Creemore but they didn’t have any cases in the cold room so I got a warm one and put a can in the freezer. 

            I weighed 88.25 kilos at 18:35. It’s been a week since it’s been that low. 

            I worked on getting caught up on my journal but I was still behind at the end of the day. 

            I made pizza on a slice of seven grain bread with marinara, tomato pesto, a chopped slice of ham, five-year-old cheddar, and a sunny side up egg. I had it with a glass of Creemore while watching season 3, episode 8 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone asks Carol if it’s true she used to swoon over Merv Griffin. She confirms that she loves Merv, and then Merv comes out. Carol seems surprised but the audience member must have been a plant. It seems he’d just started a new show in LA and Carol was on the first episode. She asks if his crazy wife had come out. He admits his wife is a bit odd. That would be Julanne Wright who was an actor and comedian. They were married from 1958 until 1976. Although he created the show Jeopardy the premise was her idea.

            Carol brings out Andy Griffith and he announces that he’s starting a new show but doesn’t know what kind of show it will be. Since this was 1969 the show would have to be his short lived sitcom Headmaster.

            Griffith tells his version of the Aesop’s fable “The Mouse and the Lion”. A lion let’s a mouse live when he promises to help him out some day. He does help him when he chews him free of a lion net. The moral is that no act of kindness is ever wasted. 

            The VIP interview is with the King Family. The King Family TV show had just been revived. The previous show had been on from 1965 to 1966 and it starred The King Sisters and their family. The King Sisters had been a big band singing group that was popular from the mid 1930s to the mid 1940s. This was a parody of the King Sisters. They were all blonde but one of them was black and another, Becky was played by Harvey Korman in drag. Bonnie says Beckie was adopted after being left on their doorstep in a fruit basket. The black on is Beulah who was forced into the group by the Supreme Court. Bonnie says they treat her just like a sister. Beulah asks why she has to sing in the back row. 

            Carol reads a poem sent to her by an 8 year old named Kelly Wright: 

Pink

Pink is a pony that runs very fast 

Pink is a colour that always will last 

Pink is a castle upon a bright hill 

Pink is a little spot on a bird’s bill 

Pink is a panther I see on TV 

Pink could even be letter C 

Pink is the blanket on my own bed 

Pink is always alive not dead 

Pink was my sweater a long time ago 

Pink is a famous colour you know 

Pink is bologna you wrap in cellophane 

Pink is my very own window pane 

Pink should even take place in the sky 

That’s my story of pink 

Goodbye 

            Carol sings “I Believed it All” by Al Ham, Alan Bergman, and Marilyn Bergman. 

            In the next skit Maggie (Carol) is complaining to Joyce (Vicki) about her husband bringing his work home with him. Joyce leaves and says she and Harry will be over for bridge later. Maggie’s husband Joe (Andy) comes home and opens the door by shooting the lock off the door. He’s a riot cop with a visor helmet. She asks for a kiss but he has to frisk her first and doesn’t lift his visor when he kisses her. He brags about being shown on TV today beating up a long haired and bearded protestor. He clubbed him because he got between him and the television camera. Maggie complains that he never notices her anymore. He argues that he does. She asks how she looks and he says, “Female, Caucasian, 5’7”, 115 lbs, late 30s”. At the mention of her age she punches him in the gut. She says last night he arrested her for going topless in their own bedroom. She starts shouting at him and he asks if she has a permit to make a speech. She starts throwing things at him and he threatens her with mace. She says, “Oink oink!” and locks herself in the bedroom. He tosses a tear gas grenade into the bedroom but she comes out wearing a gas mask. Joyce arrives for bridge but Harry is a fireman and he breaks through the door with an axe. 

            Vicki Lawrence and Don Crichton are dressed as Ruth Buzzi and Arte Johnson’s Laugh-In characters Gladys and Tyrone. Gladys is on a park bench and Tyrone is a dirty old man who Gladys always hits with her purse. In this case they are doing it to the tune of the 1968 hit song “Mah Na Mah Na” by Piero Umiliani. The Muppets and Benny Hill made it an international hit. At the end the real Ruth Buzzi and Arte Johnson come out dressed as Gladys and Tyrone. The two Gladyses escape from the two Tyrones who walk off arm in arm. 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch, Carol’s husband Roger is obsessed with watching football on TV on Sundays. Carol complains that she doesn’t see him all week except for Sundays and then he’s glued to the game. Roger argues that he’s out in the jungle all week trying to make a buck so Carol’s sister can eat her nine meals a day. Carol gives up because she’ll never be able to separate Roger from his game. Then the doorbell rings and it’s their attractive neighbour Cindy. Suddenly Roger turns off the TV and welcomes her. After Cindy leaves, Carol and Chrissie start acting like Cindy as they unplug the TV.

            Andy narrates a fairy tale set in the US south called Cinderellie. It’s basically a hillbilly version of Cinderella except that instead of a prince, the ball is thrown by Mr. Prince, the richest sharecropper in the land. Cinderellie has to stay home and do chores but wishes on a wishbone that she could go to the ball. Her very effeminate fairy godfather Rocky appears (played by Harvie). Rocky is short for Raquel. He sings a song about how much he loves his wand. He tries to make her beautiful but nothing happens. He looks at his wand and blames the Japanese batteries. He turns it up to full power and successfully transforms her. He gives her transportation to the ball in the form of a pair of roller skates. She says she’s gonna have a gay old time. Rocky says if he thought that he’s come along. At the ball the dancers do a kind of comical square-dance called by Andy. Cinderellie arrives and catches his eye. She’s pretty good on roller skates. She sort of dances with Andy but has to leave at midnight, leaving one roller skate behind. Like in the fairy tale Prince goes looking for the foot that fits the footwear and goes to Cinderellie’s stepmother’s house but it doesn’t fit her or her two daughters. Rocky asks if he can try it on but Prince says if it would fit he still couldn’t marry him. Rocky says, “You’re such a square!” As in the story the shoe fits the heroine. Prince tells her she doesn’t look that good in the light of day but he’ll marry her anyway. 

            Merv Griffin started playing piano at age 4. He was a singer on the radio and also wrote songs. His album Songs By Merv Griffin was the first in the US to be recorded on magnetic tapeBy the age of 20 he hosted and sang on his own 15 minute radio show five days a week. He became a big band singer for the Freddy Martin Orchestra. He became famous in 1950 when he had a number 1 hit with “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts”. He subsequently had hits with “Wilhelmina” and “Never Been Kissed”. Doris Day liked his nightclub act and got him signed with Warner Brothers. He co-starred in So This is Love, He hosted the game show Play Your Hunch from 1958 to 1962. He was a regular performer on The Arthur Murray Party and The Tonight Show with Jack Paar. When he guest hosted for Paar the show got very high ratings and so NBC decided to give him his own talk show in 1962. Based in New York, Griffin tended to embrace more controversial subjects than the Tonight Show. In 1965 he was called a traitor after his guest was Bertrand Russell who denounced the Vietnam War. Griffin tried late night but couldn’t compete with Johnny Carson and so he went back to daytime and lasted for 13 years. Arnold Scharzeneggar made his talk show debut on Merv’s show. He created Jeopardy (originally called What’s the Question?) in 1964 and wrote the music for Final Jeopardy. His show Dance Fever lasted from 1979 to 1987. He created Wheel of Fortune in 1983 based on the game hangman. He wrote the theme song. He sold his production company for $250 million in 1986 but still shared in the profits. He was at that time one of the wealthiest entertainers in the world. He still created puzzles and questions for Jeopardy up until he died in 2006. He won 15 Emmys during his career. He bought the Beverly Hilton where the Golden Globe Awards are held. He bought the Hilton Scottsdale Resort in Arizona and St. Clerans Manor in Ireland. he controlled closed circuit coverage of horse racing across the US. His tombstone engraving reads, “I will not be right back after this message”.

April 16, 1996: I hosted my writers open stage

Thirty years ago today

            On Tuesday night as usual I hosted my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage in the Art Bar of the Gladstone Hotel.

Kenny Solms

            On Tuesday morning it was still warm enough for the heat to stay off and for me not to need the humidifiers turned on. It’s forecast to be like this for the rest of the week but then it’ll be colder next week. 

            After yoga I revised my translation of the eleventh and twelfth verses of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. 

            I memorized the chorus of “Dessous mon pull” (Under My Sweater) by Serge Gainsbourg. Now there are five more verses to learn and I should have the whole song in my head sometime next week. 

            I weighed 87.8 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time. 

            Around midday I used the pinkish purple wall paint to straighten out the line between the wall and the trim that I painted blue above the wall tiles, and between the wall and the blue door frame. It’s still not straight but I don’t think I can do it any better. 

            I weighed 88.95 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and on the way back stopped at Freshco to buy grapes with a price match but they were all too soft. So I walked across the street to Metro where they don’t price match but some of the green grapes were firm so I got five bags. 

            I weighed 88.65 kilos at 18:10.

            I was behind on my journal and didn’t get my review of the season finale of Star Trek: Starfleet Academy written until bedtime. 

            Five hours before that I had a potato with gravy and three pork ribs while watching season 3, episode 6 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup Carol answers that she’s originally from San Antonio, Texas. She brings out her guest star Gwen Verdon who was a Broadway star and was asked her favourite Broadway role. She answered Sweet Charity and Redhead. Carol says Gwen is the original Sweet Charity and she saw it on opening night and then wrote her a fan letter. Gwen says that in New York all actors have to be able to act, sing, and move and dance a bit. So they go to improvisational dance classes where they act like inanimate objects with just movement like trees, bears, and fish in order to loosen up inhibitions. She does and angel, then she does a devil, which is the same movement but with her tongue sticking out. She does a movement where she turns and opens her mouth and an audience member immediately guesses a lighthouse. An audience member asks for a piece of bacon and Carol crackles and shrinks. Gwen acts like an automatic washer. 

            The first skit is The Old Folks with Harvey Korman and Carol. It’s mostly silent except for the singing. They are getting ready for bed and he starts singing, “Kiss of Fire” by Lester Allen and Robert Hill that was a hit for Georgia Gibbs in 1952. There’s a big buildup and then when she’s ready for his kiss he falls asleep. 

            Gwen Verdon does a song that starts with her in a crib and wearing a baby doll with her lacy panties very visible. She sings, “Hurry On Down” by Nellie Lutcher from 1947. She does a sexy dance routine with some men dressed as little boys. 

            The other guest star is Pat Boone, who introduces his number by saying young people are often seduced by the glamour of show business but lose touch with the real things in life and then find themselves alone. Then he does a number where he’s dressed as a clown singing about the Molly he’s writing to and saying he’ll come back to but never does and then he’s old. He sings “Molly” by Biff Rose from 1968. 

            Then Pat tells Carol about appearing on the Dean Martin Show and he begins doing an impression of Dean. He tells Carol she looks just like Raquel (Welch) and Carol asks, “Where?” because Raquel Welch was famous for a voluptuous figure that Carol does not have. Pat says he’s not going to answer that after what happened to the Smothers Brothers (they got cancelled because they were outspokenly critical of the Viet Nam war and the conservative mainstream that supported it. The Nixon administration helped to get them cancelled). Carol and Pat sing a song that I can’t identify. They sing in counterpoint and then switch over. 

            Then there are parodies of several commercials. 

            In the first a man and woman are kissing when a boy comes up and says, “Guess what daddy? I only got one cavity!” The father stops kissing and says, “Go tell your mother”. 

            A bunch of construction workers are on a break. Pat Boone’s uniform is super clean and so he is rejected. 

            Then there’s a parody of the old Brylcreem commercial. A couple are kissing on a bench and the guy turns to the camera to say, “I came back!” The camera rolls left to another couple with the same statement. The Harvey Korman as Dracula pops out from the bushes and says, “So did I!”. He blows a kiss to a pretty girl and lips and teeth marks appear on her neck. 

            Then there is a cigarette commercial. A suave looking man played by Lyle Wagonner is smoking a cigarette. The elegant woman with him played by Vicki Lawrence keeps reaching for the pack but he keeps moving it away from her until finally she beats him up and takes the cigarettes. 

            Then a voice interviews Melissa Van Harback. He asks, “You have everything, don’t you?” She says, “I’d like to think so. I have dandruff, excess stomach acidity, briar patch legs, iron poor blood, wobbly dentures, and my girdle is killing me”. The voice asks, “Ever think you might have bad breath?” She says “I have a stuffed up nose”. The voice says goodbye, she waves her hand to wave but looks y her underarm and lowers it. 

            A play called A Tacky Affair starring Jennifer Fontaine and Robert Preston Foster is about to begin. Jennifer is in her dressing room with a cold. The doctor comes in and determines that she has the flu and he wants to give her a flu shot but she gets her curtain call and has to leave. On stage she and Rodney are supposed to kiss but when he gets close she starts sniffling and he can’t bring himself to do it. She goes into her arms and wipes her nose on his sleeve. Meanwhile the doctor is lurking just behind the curtain for Jennifer to come close enough for him to jab her with his needle. He finally does so. Her husband steps in to shoot her and then apologizes. While Robert is mourning her sniffling coughing dead body his wig comes off. 

            There is another episode of As the Stomach Turns. It’s been a quiet day in Canoga falls. There hasn’t been a single tragedy. Marian wonders what’s wrong. Her baby brother Teddy returns after ten years in college. He announces that he’s engaged to be married and goes to take a shower. The doorbell rings and it’s Miss Lilly the town naughty lady. She reveals she’s Teddy’s fiancé. They only met an hour ago. Marian tells Teddy if he marries Lilly his life will be torture. He says, “What’s the difference as long as I’m happy?”. Marian’s daughter arrives to hand her another illegitimate child. The father is at home with his wife. She leaves and Marian puts the baby in the umbrella case. Serge Krupnik, the richest man in Canoga Falls arrives. He’s looking for his long lost sister and it’s Lilly. She’s now worth $10 million and Marian suddenly calls Lilly her sister. Lilly is no longer interested in Teddy. The announcer asks if Marian will now have to become the town naughty lady. 

            The final musical number features Carol, Vicki, and Gwen with very large breasts and behinds under horizontally striped dresses. They sing “The Grass is Greener” by Howlett Smith and Spence Maxwell, as recorded by Nancy Wilson in 1964. 

            One of the writers of The Carol Burnett Show was Kenny Solms, who was part of one of the most successful collaborations in US comedy after he met Gail Parent at New York University and teamed with her to write for the Broadway revue New Faces of 1968 and for Upstairs at the Downstairs. They wrote Our Wedding Album. They wrote the screenplay for Gail’s novel Sheila Levine is Dead and Living in New York. Kenny wrote for The Steve Allen Show. He created and wrote the first four seasons of The Carol Burnett Show. He wrote television specials for Julie Andrews, Ann-Margret, Mary Tyler Moore, Bing Crosby, Dick Van Dyke, Ann Bancroft, He won a Peabody Award for Sills and Burnett at the Met. He wrote and produced The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour. He wrote the book for the musical Lorelei.