On Tuesday night as always I hosted my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage in the Art Bar of the Gladstone Hotel, at 1214 Queen Street West.
Thursday, 4 June 2026
Wednesday, 3 June 2026
Helen Reddy
On Tuesday morning I revised my translation of the sixth and seventh verses of “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian. There’s a chance I’ll have the song finished on Wednesday.
I finished working out the chords for “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg and ran through singing and playing it in French and English. Tomorrow I’ll upload it to my Christian’s Translations blog to begin preparing it for publication.
I weighed 89.95 kilos before breakfast.
I played my Kramer during song practice and it stayed in tune most of the time.
Around midday I packed up my laundry and took it to the Speedy Queen. I was bringing my stuff home just after all the teenagers were getting out of Parkdale Collegiate.
I weighed 89.75 kilos at 15:40, which is the lightest I’ve been in the early afternoon since May 20.
I took a siesta from 16:08 to 17:38. It was too late for a bike ride.
I weighed 90.5 kilos at 17:55.
I was behind on my journal and worked on getting caught up.
I grilled eight chicken drumsticks and had one with a small potato and gravy while watching season 8, episode 9 of The Carol Burnett Show.
During the audience warmup Carol introduces someone who won a scholarship that she sponsored back east for the most outstanding senior in theatre arts. She brings out Kenny Solms, who was actually a writer for Carol Burnett for several years and so this was a bit. He says he blew his scholarship money on a first class plane ticket to get to LA from New York. The bit is that he’s just somebody she invited to the stage but he thinks he came out to be a castmember on her show. He says he’s going to change his name to Lyle because Kenny is too cute. He says he can’t find his dressing room so he doesn’t know where to put his stuff. She says they’ll have to talk about it and he says they can go out for dinner wherever she wants to take him.
Helen Reddy sings her 1974 hit “Angie Baby” by Alan O’Day. Two of the dancers act out the lyrics.
There’s a Mama’s Family sketch in which Mama is visiting at Eunice and Ed’s place. They’ve finished dinner and Mama has just put her two grandchildren to bed. She says they asked her for a story but she said, “You think you deserve a story when your room is such a mess” They said their mother lets them keep it that way but Mama said, “Your mother might like to live in a garbage can but I don’t!” Eunice has set up the board game Sorry on the dining room table and wants Mama and Ed to play it so they can all have some fun together. Mama complains about the trashy movie magazines Eunice keeps in the house. Eunice argues that some of those articles have been authenticicated. Mama says, “I suppose they’ll keep printing them as long as there are people brainless enough to read them!” Eunice nags them until they agree to play. It starts to go sour almost immediately when Ed wins the dice roll and therefore gets his choice of men. He picks the yellow ones even though Eunice already said those were the ones she wanted. The game inspires arguments about their lives. Eunice complains she doesn’t have anything nice. Ed points out the salad bowl but she says it’s imitation wood and the Wishbone dressing just eats through it. Eunice complains that’s all he ever gets her is household appliances cause that’s all she ever does is housework. Mama says, “You’d never know it”. Eunice says, “I practically have to get down on my knees to get you to play a game with me so I can have some fun with this impossible old woman!” Eunice explodes in anger and tears open a feather pillow on the couch. Mama tells her, “You’re really nuts! I think somebody blew out your pilot light!” This is clearly an ad lib on Vicki’s part because Carol starts to laugh. Then Mama says, “You got splinters in the windmills of yer mind!” and Carol cracks up. Mama adds, “Yer playin hockey with a warped puck!” Eunice is shouting when they tell her it’s her turn. She continues shouting when she rolls but when they tell her she just rolled double six her mood suddenly changes and she sits down to happily play the game again.
John Byner does a stand-up routine on the topic of nostalgia. He says when he was a kid he idolized Elvis and does an Elvis impression. He says everybody had motorbikes but he couldn’t afford one so he used to pretend. He imitates a motorcycle. He says 50s television screwed him up because the families on the shows were too perfect and nothing like his own. Ozzie and Harriet was on for 14 years. He says nobody has ever met anyone named “Ozzie”. Ozzie never left the house. He speculates what Ozzie and Harriet would be like if it was still on and competing with shows like All in the Family and Maude that deal with real problems. Ricky’s girlfriend is pregnant but Ozzie’s solution is to have cookies in the kitchen.
Harvey and John are at a singles bar looking to score and Carol and Helen come in. Harvey and John have been coming there for a month and haven’t even talked to a woman. It’s Carol and Helen’s first time and they are also shy. They notice Harvey and John and think they’re cute. Harvey and John walk over to them but as soon as they turn around they run away back to their end of the bar. By the time they approach them again it’s closing time. Carol decides to drop her handkerchief on the way out. Harvey picks it up to hand to her but the girls scream and run out of the bar.
Helen Reddy began performing at the age of 4 at the Tivoli Theatre in Perth, Australia while touring with her show business parents. She left boarding school at the age of 15 to become a professional singer and actor. She got her own radio show on ABC called Helen Reddy Sings and it aired twice a week. She made her TV debut in In Melbourne Tonight in 1962. In 1966 she won a trip to New York in an Australian Bandstand contest. There she met and later married Jeff Wald and converted to Judaism. Her first single was “One Way Ticket” in 1967. She appeared on Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show 15 times. She had her first hit in Canada in 1972 with a cover of “I Don’t Know How to Love Him”. She co-wrote “I Am Woman” with Ray Burton in 1971 and it was a #1 hit in 1972, becoming the first Australian performer to win a Grammy. In her acceptance speech she famously thanked a female god “because she makes everything possible”. “Delta Dawn” in 1973 hit #1 and “Angie Baby” did the same in 1974. She hosted 19 episodes of The Midnight Special. She co-starred in Airport 1975 and Pete’s Dragon, . She made her Broadway debut in Blood Brothers. She starred four times in the one woman show Shirley Valentine. She was the Commissioner of Parks and Recreation for the state of California for three years. In 2002 she returned to Australia to study in university and after earning her degree, worked as a practicing hypnotherapist. She moved back to California about ten years later when she started suffering from dementia. She sang “I Am Woman” at the 2017 Women’s March after Trump became president of the US.
June 3, 1996: I posed for final projects at OCA
On Monday I probably posed for final assignments at the Ontario College of Art so there was very little instruction and classes often ended early.
Tuesday, 2 June 2026
Ernie Anderson
I worked out the chords for the first two verses of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. All the verses seem to have the same chords and there is no chorus so there’s a good chance the song will be done tomorrow.
I weighed 90.3 kilos before breakfast.
During song practice I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio and it stayed in tune almost half the time. About halfway through I had another toilet emergency. After a large bowel movement the toilet was plugged and the shitty water was rising. I had to grab a salad bowl to scoop up some of the water and pour it into the bathroom sink but that plugged the sink with shit and after it was full I had to pour the water in the tub. I managed to plunge the toilet clear without wearing a hole in my hand like I did a few weeks ago. Once the toilet was clear I had to plunge the sink and transfer the shit back to the toilet. I poured bleach down the sink and also cleaned the salad bowl with bleach. When I returned to song practice I had to shorten some of the songs so I wouldn’t be too far behind.
I weighed 91.25 kilos before lunch.
In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back.
I weighed 90.45 kilos at 18:00.
I was still behind in my journal and worked on getting caught up. I was about half a day behind at suppertime.
I grilled a strip loin steak and had it with a potato and gravy while watching season 8, episode 5 of The Carol Burnett Show. Lyle Waggoner has left the show and Ernie Anderson is the new announcer.
During the audience warmup, someone asks Carol if her measurements are the same as Cher’s since Bob Mackie makes costumes for both Carol’s show and Sonny and Cher’s. Carol says her measurements are the same as Sonny’s.
The Smothers Brothers perform the traditional “The Nightingale’s Song”. Dick starts singing while playing the upright bass as Tommy plays guitar. But suddenly Dick stops to tell Tommy that he didn’t come in and that it’s supposed to be a duet. Tommy says he doesn’t know the words. Dick says he doesn’t have to know the words. Dick tells the audience this is a madrigal and madrigals have been around for 600 years. Dick asks why they’ve been singing madrigals for 600 years. Tommy answers “Political pressure”. Dick says Madrigals began in the 14th Century in Italy. From the 14th to the 17th Century most Europeans were illiterate. He looks at Tommy and says, “They couldn’t read either”. That’s why they started singing “falalala” in place of the lyrics they couldn’t read. Tommy says, “That’s like in that Christmas song called ‘Falalala’. Dick says that’s called “Deck the Halls”. Tommy says, “I’m of a different faith”. Dick says he wants Tommy to sing “Falala” so they start the song again. But Tommy starts singing “Falala” in place of a verse. Dick stops him and says he’s doing the wrong “falalas”. It’s supposed to be a more delicate song but Tommy did it profundo like a marching song. Tommy points out that he should have specified what kind of “falala” he wanted and Dick admits that he was at fault. Tommy says he’ll do counterpoint “falalas” and they begin again. It’s sounds good that way and then Tommy ends it with some made up lines, “When there’s two in the bush there’s a bird up your tree”.
Tommy plays Jack, who is in the hospital being assured by his doctor that the surgery he’ll be having tomorrow morning is a simple procedure and he’ll be on his feet in no time. The doctor tells Jack his sister and some others are waiting to see him. Jack looks worried and tells the doctor to tell them he died but the doctor lets her in. This turns out to be Carol as Eunice. She tells him he looks awful but who wouldn’t when they’re about to go under the knife. Jack says it’s just minor surgery but she says no surgery is minor once they cut into you. She says she never would have forgiven herself if she didn’t come in to see him just in case. Eunice says her husband Ed (Harvey) is in the hall and explains that he gets nauseous in hospitals. She shouts for Ed to come in. He looks like he’s about to throw up but recovers. I guess Jack is a salesman because Ed tells him to not stay in here too long because he’ll lose all his customers and his business will be shot to hell. Jack says the doctor says he’ll be dancing on a cloud in no time. Ed says his partner at the hardware store had a cousin who didn’t recover the full use of his limbs after his surgery. Eunice and Ed take some time to ignore Jack and argue about Ed’s partner. Eunice asks Jack his opinion but Jack says it’s not his field. She says, “You never would back me up!” Momma (Vicki) comes in and tries to surprise Jack but he knew she was coming and now she’s mad. She throws his gift down on his stomach, which is where he’ll be getting his surgery. It’s one of puzzles where you roll a bead through a maze. He says he doesn’t feel like concentrating right now so she grabs it from his hands and shouts, “Well then just put it aside” and then she throws it on the floor. Then Eunice and Mama fight and Mama argues she might be worse off than Jack but assures him she’ll stay alive till he gets better. Jack says, “Don’t do anything special for me mama”. Eunice tells Jack that some people think his doctor is a quack. Jack asks, “Who says that?” She says, “I heard he’s a butcher”. Mama tells her she has a talent for saying the wrong thing and Eunice throws candy all over Jack. Eunice says Ida Hawkins checked into this very room to get his tonsils out but Doctor Cooper cut out his tongue. Mama says, “Let’s not argue while Jack is practically at death’s door!” Mama asks Jack before they leave if he’s got all his papers in order. Jack asks, “What papers?” Mama says, “Have you made out your will?” Jack reminds her that it’s a minor operation. Ed argues “You never know! The anaesthetic alone has killed lots of people!” Jack says he already left everything to his wife and kids. Mama says, “Not everything I hope!” “Yeah, everything”. Mama says, “There are a few things of mine I’d like to get outta that house of yours!” Eunice says grandma always wanted her to have that set of silver that he got. Mama shouts at Eunice for being a vulture. Eunice says that before Jack is cold in his grave his wife Janey is going to run off with that plumber she’s been carrying on with for years and her silver will be gone forever. They leave and Jack calls his wife to ask about the plumber.
Telly Savalas talks and sings while smoking a cigarette his 1974 single “Rubber Bands and Bits of String” by Gloria Sklerov and Harry Lloyd.
Telly plays Reynolds and Harvey plays Marsh. They are two business owners who meet in a restaurant. Harvey is excited because they are merging their companies but Reynolds says he’s calling off the merger. This skit is similar to a previous episode in which a business relationship between men is treated very similarly to a romantic relationship. Marsh asks how he expects him to face people. Reynolds says to tell them it was his idea. He says, “We’re not right for each other!” “But it seemed so right!” Marsh asks, “You’re merging with Simpkins aren’t you?” “How did you know?” “I saw his annual report on your desk!” Reynolds says, “I’ve always respected your company. We can still do business can’t we?” “What kind of a company do you think I run? If I’d known it was gonna turn out this way I’d have never let you into my corporate bonds!” “You wanted that as much as I did!” (Harvey and Telly start laughing). “But I gave you something I never gave anyone else. My debentures”. Marsh says, “I made lots of cheap tawdry deals with other companies, even J and R”. “Not J and R!” “I let him handle my stock options!” They say “goodbye”, Marsh lingers and they crack up again. Marsh leaves and Reynolds goes to the bar to meet Simpkins and tells him he’s free. Simpkins tells him the merger is off.
There are a bunch of commercial parodies.
In a supermarket Harvey is manning a sampling kiosk and grabs Carol as she walks by to sample Bolgers coffee. He asks her if she’d say it tastes as good as it looks. She says it’s good. He insists she says it tastes as good as it looks. She says it’s delicious but he wants her to say that line and has to shake it out of her until she screams it then runs away. He smiles for the camera and says, “That was another unsolicited testimonial”.
There’s a parody of a Pepsi commercial showing several thin people as the song goes, “Diet Pepsi has one calorie”. But then they show Vicki in a fat suit with about a hundred empty bottles of diet Pepsi.
Tommy says he’s the man from Pepto Dismal and asks if we mind he talks about diarrhea. Several people shout out that they mind. Tommy asks, “Well then can I speak to you about snow tires?”
The final sketch is set in the Casbah where the infamous jewel thief Poopi La Mocco (played by Telly) is safe from the police. Poopi is with Vicki but he says there are no women in the Casbah. She asks, “Am I not a woman?” He says, “Here you are a woman, but in Paris you are not even a file cabinet!” Inspector Ptomain arrives (played by Harvey with his Peter Lorre accent). Carol walks in as an elegant jewel bedecked woman and sits at a table. Poopi tells her she’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. She says, “I know”. He asks what she’s doing in the Casbah. She says she’s on a world tour and has seen 17 countries in in 14 days. Tomorrow she’ll see Philadelphia twice. The bus for Philly arrives and she asks him to come with her. he says if he leaves he will be killed. She asks if he must always think of himself. They dance out together and Poopi is shot. Carol is a cop who lured Poopi to his doom. As Poopi dies he says he’ll come back in another life as a detective who likes lollipops.
The new announcer for The Carol Burnett Show was Ernie Anderson, who started his career as a radio announcer in Burlington, Vermont in 1946. He was fired for making fun of one of the sponsors. He then worked at a radio station in Providence, Rhode Island and was the number one DJ, but was fired for riding his motorcycle in the hallway. He moved to a Cleveland station where he met Tim Conway and they became writing partners. They created Ernie’s Place for a Cleveland TV station. There Ernie created the beatnik character Ghoulardi who hosted the Friday night horror movie show Shock Theatre. His catch phrases were “Stay sick” and “Turn blue”. His character was very popular and he would mock the quality of the movies he was showing. He also created a parody of Peyton Place called Parma Place that was a hit with fans. Ghoulardi began hosting Masterpiece Theatre, and a children’s show. He organized sports events that attracted thousands of fans. This led to him being a castmember of The Steve Allen Show. he moved to LA and in the 70s was hired as the voice of ABC. In 1974 he became the regular announcer for The Carol Burnett Show and also started appearing in skits. He did the voiceover for the previews of the first three seasons of Star Trek the Next Generation. He was the father of famed film director Paul Thomas Anderson who says his father was a bad actor even in home movies.
June 2, 1996: My daughter horded the french fries
Thirty years ago today
On Sunday my daughter and I went to the playground and then I took her to rendezvous with her mother on the subway. On the way I bought some fries for us and Astrid walked a distance away from me with them because she didn’t want to share.
Monday, 1 June 2026
Francine Beers
I finished translating “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. I looked for the chords but no one has posted them so I worked them out for the intro and the first two lines.
I played my Martin during song practice and it went out of tune for every song.
Around midday I painted “blue bliss” on the area around one of the four floral reliefs on my future bathroom mirror frame. I had expected to get all four done but the care I needed to take to keep from getting blue on the flowers was time consuming. It looks like it will take three more sessions just to complete the first coat of blue.
I weighed 91.05 kilos before lunch. I had a toasted Montreal style bagel with peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar, plus a glass of lemonade.
In the afternoon I headed out for a bike ride downtown and someone had left a pool of pink vomit directly in front of the door to my building. I had to step over it very carefully while maneuvering my bike around it. I rode downtown and back.
I weighed 90.3 kilos at 17:45.
I was behind in my journal and worked on getting caught up. I was still behind at suppertime.
I made pizza on naan with marinara, black olive paste, tomato pesto, a chopped New Zealand grass fed beef burger, and four-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore while watching season 7, episode 24 of The Carol Burnett Show.
During the audience warmup Carol buys Girl Scout cookies on stage like she does every year.
Harvey and Carol play an escaped con and his girlfriend robbing a diner. They see the cops pulling up outside and so they knock out the cook and the waiter then take their places. Harvey does the cooking and Carol serves the counter and the tables. Harvey turns out to be a whiz at cooking as it takes him seconds to prepare the meals. Hours pass and the place is packed, plus the cops for some reason are still there. Harvey is finding the work fulfilling but Carol isn’t and she wants to get away with or without him. As they stand there arguing in the kitchen the cops come in saying they knew who they were all along. But suddenly they buckle over from food poisoning as does everybody else in the joint. So they rob everybody and leave.
John Byner does a stand-up act. He says the Ed Sullivan Show is very different from The Carol Burnett Show. Ed’s show has a lot of animals, and Europeans throwing each other around. He imitates the elephant and getting splashed by it. He mentions The Exorcist being the movie of the century and says what people like these days are scary movies or sad movies. He says his mother took him to sad movies when he was a kid to see if he was okay. If he cried during Bambi then she knew he was healthy. He says men are embarrassed to cry in the US because they don’t think it’s masculine. In Europe men cry if they miss the bus. It’s because US heroes don’t cry. You ever see John Wayne cry? He does an impression of John Wayne if he cried in a movie, “You mean we gotta circle the wagons again?” He says men sneak cry at the movies and he imitates them holding back.
In the Carol and Sis sketch it’s just Carol and Roger this time and it’s their anniversary. She’s setting the table for their special night and he brings home flowers. They are about to start dinner when the doorbell rings. He opens the door and a stranger walks right in saying she’s Mrs. Raskin from down the hall and she’s got a problem. She lost the key to her apartment, her husband isn’t home yet. Roger tries to call the building manager but he’s out and he only gets the switchboard. Raskin says she guesses she’ll wait in the hall for who knows how long? Roger wants to get her out so he’s willing to let her wait in the hall. On her way out the door she hands Roger her doctor’s number in case she passes out. They try to return to their anniversary dinner but Carol says they can’t leave Mrs. Raskin out there. So Roger gives in, opens the door, and Raskin immediately walks in. She sits in the living room watching them until they invite her to join them. Carol says she has to get the steaks but Mrs. Raskin insists on serving them. They are eating and Raskin says the steaks look a little rare. She tries to grab Roger’s steak to put it back under the broiler. Roger says, “We like them that way!” Raskin says, My Uncle Marvin, may his soul rest in peace used to eat meat rare”. Carol asks what happened. Raskin says, “On the way home from the butcher he was hit by a truck”. The phone rings and Raskin answers it. The operator says her husband left a message that he won’t be home till midnight. That means it will be four hours. Carol and Roger exchange anniversary gifts. Carol’s is a gold bracelet but Raskin grabs it to look at it and says that it’s better than real gold. Carol gives Roger a wrapped gift and Raskin won’t let him tear the paper. He wants to open it himself but she insists. Finally Roger hands Raskin the key to their apartment and tells her to lock up when she leaves, then he takes Carol to a hotel where they can celebrate their anniversary alone.
Vicki Lawrence sings her follow up single to “The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia”: “Mama’s Gonna Make it All Better”. I assume it was written by her then husband Bobby Russell. It didn’t chart.
Harvey and John play rival scientists Stroll and Fromis. Fromis says he has a new invention that will make him jealous and a vertical crate is wheeled in. He says he’s built a woman robot but Stroll says he created a woman robot three years ago. Vicki plays the beautiful and lifelike robot Andrea. Now Fromis is reluctant to show his robot. Carol plays the awkward and clumsy robot Gark. She has what looks like a mop head for a wig and her torso is not woman shaped. Gark seems incapable of performing any functions but then the phone rings and she answers it, speaking, listening, and responding. Dr. Stroll is very impressed because he hasn’t been able to make Andrea speak. he must have her but Fromis refuses. Stroll orders Andrea to attack Gark but Gark insults her until she collapses.
There is a parody of the annual Country Music Awards called the Annual Rural Music Awards.
John plays the host Glen Twitty wearing a ridiculous pompadour wig.
To present to first award he brings out country stars Laura Tendrum (Carol) and Donna Cargo (Vicki). They are both tied for the top female performer of the year and obviously don’t like each other. One of the songs up for an award is “The Night My Tights Gave Out in Georgia”.
The winner of the best song is Big Joe Blackjack singing “Everything I Like is a Legal or Moral Offense”. These include underage girls and unhealthy food.
Harvey plays Johnny Money a parody of Johnny Cash. He introduces Donna Cargo singing “S-P-L-I-T” (a trashy parody of “D-I-V-O-R-C-E” by Tammy Wynette).
Johnny Money sings “Fifteen Minutes to Go” a parody of Shel Silverstein’s “25 Minutes to Go”.
Laura sings about being a simple country girl who likes picking on her ukulele. She stops singing to say that she will never be too big to share an award with her inferiors.
Glen sings his song “Me and Little Susie”. He does an impression of a harmonica and sings about his girlfriend who was a pig until his ma made bacon out of her.
The dancers do a square dance.
Mrs. Raskin was played by Francine Beers, who started as child performer singing jingles on the radio. She made her off Broadway review in King of the Whole Damn World in 1962. She made her TV debut in The Nurses in 1965. She played Judge Janis Silver on Law and Order; Sybil Gooley on All in the Family; and Bea Finster on Kate and Alley. She made her film debut in Made for Each Other in 1971. She won the Helen Hayes Award in 1988 for her performance in the play Light Up the Sky.
June 1, 1996: A nice weekend with my daughter
On Saturday I picked up my daughter from her mother’s place and she spent the weekend with me. The weather was nice and warm the whole day so we spent a lot of time playing outside.
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