Jay Tarses

            On Thursday morning I downloaded the YouTube video of Regine singing “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. I then uploaded it to Sonix to get a transcription because it felt like mine wasn’t accurate. Their transcription was quite different, probably right in places but also probably wrong in places. I copied each line and put them beside each line from the text I had. Tomorrow I’ll figure out which lines are correct. 

            I weighed 88.85 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin acoustic for song practice for the first of two sessions and it went out of tune during every song. 

            Around midday I went to the post office at the back of Vina Pharmacy and bought a postage paid box for sending my daughter her birthday treats and the rough amethyst. I also bought an envelope to send my Australian friend Audrey Morgan a copy of my book Paranoiac Utopia. 

            I weighed 90 kilos before lunch, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the early afternoon since May 3. 

            I took a siesta and got up at 16:04. I skipped brushing my teeth and immediately packed, sealed and addressed the box for Astrid in Montreal. I signed a copy of my book and put it in the envelope for Audrey. I checked online to find out which direction mail travels from Toronto to Australia. It makes sense that it travels west because there would be fewer countries to fly over on the way. I got both items to the post office on time to send them out with the last mail of the day. Astrid’s package should get to Montreal on Monday or Tuesday. Audrey’s book will take ten business days. Her birthday’s on May 21 but it probably won’t arrive until my birthday on May 26. 

            After the post office I went home to brush my teeth but by the time I was done it was too late for a bike ride. So I just rode straight to Freshco. They had cherries for $6.59 a kilo so I bought five bags. I also got a pack of raspberries, bananas, a pack of large hot Italian sausages, a pack of cheese sausages, a pack of chicken drumsticks, a large can of Full City Dark coffee, and a box of spoon sized shredded wheat. 

            I weighed 89.2 kilos at 18:20. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 20:00. 

            I tried again to digitize a cassette tape but the right channel kept dropping out. It comes back if move the receiver but then drops out again. Tomorrow I’m going to take it to AMI electronics to see if Doctor Moz can fix it. 

            I had a potato with gravy and two chicken drumsticks while watching the sixth season finale of The Carol Burnett Show. It’s a family show, meaning it only features the regular cast with no special guests. 

            They begin with a song and dance about how much they love their family tree. During the audience warmup someone asks Carol what was her favourite movie of the year. She says she liked all of the movies that were nominated but was disappointed that The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds starring Joanne Woodward and directed by Paul Newman was not nominated, and says it’s one of the best films she’s ever seen. 

            She brings Vicki Lawrence out and tells everybody about her record, “The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia” that was written by Vicki’s husband Bobby Russell. She then surprises Vicki by announcing that it sold a million copies and then presents her with a gold record. 

            A young woman named Cindy says she’s a fan of Lyle Waggoner. Lyle comes out and asks if she wants a kiss and then says that since he doesn’t know her he wants to do this right. He brings a small table, two chairs, two glasses and a bottle of wine onto the stage and then escorts Cindy up to sit down. They have a drink and then he kisses her.

            In the first skit a little girl brings two dolls into her bedroom and lays them down onto a toy bed. She says goodnight to Barbrie and Ben and then leaves the room. After the girl leaves, Barbrie and Ben, played by Carol and Harvey, come to life. She accuses him of peeking when the girl changes her outfits. Then they hear her coming back and so they return to the bed. She puts another doll in bed beside them and leaves. He introduces himself as G.I. Jack, Barbrie likes him and Ben is jealous. The girl returns with another doll she puts beside them, played by Vicki. They ask her name and they all jump away from the bed when she tells them “Betsy Wetsy”. 

            The Ernie Flatt Dancers, dressed as very colourful exaggerations of hillbillies and split into two distinctly coloured groups do a mock dance-fight to the tune of the 1954 composition “Duelling Banjos” by Arthur “Guitar Boogie” Smith and made famous by the soundtrack of the 1972 film Deliverance. 

            Vicki and Lyle play jewel thieves who have just robbed a jewellery store and the area is flooded with cops. They decide to hide in a movie theatre that is playing a film called The Danish Wife. The film however is one of those sexually explicit European movies that tend to embarrass prudish Anglo North Americans like Vickie’s character. She says she may be a thief but she does it with her clothes on. She is ready to call the police to get the theatre busted when the police enter the theatre looking for the jewel thieves. But when the cops see the scenes on the screen they are transfixed and sit down. Vickie and Lyle leave and he even gets one of the cops to pass him the satchel full of diamonds that he left by his seat. 

            Dr. Jones and Dr. Kointz, orthopaedic specialists in bones and joints have opened up a new office together. They celebrate with a drink and sing the 19th Century song “Dem Bones” by James Wheldon Johnson and James Rosamund Johnson. Then they sing specifically in praise of the elbow.

            There is a parody of the movie “Ransom Harvest” called “Rancid Harvest”. In an English hospital in 1918 there is an amnesia patient played by Harvey. The star of the local music hall, Gwendoline and her magic squeezebox comes to entertain the patients. She is however so involved in her routine at the expense of the patients that she furthers their injuries and so they all escape except for the amnesia patient. She decides to call him Peter and invites him to her cottage in the country. She falls for him and then discovers from his picture in the paper that he is the missing Sir Charles, the richest lord in London. She conceals this fact from him to keep him to herself. She tells him that he asked her to marry him and she accepts. He says he’s going to go find a justice of the peace but she says he shouldn’t go out because all amnesia victims get hit by taxi cabs. He says that only happens in bad movies but then he goes out and gets hit by a cab. He is returned to his estate where he eventually recovers and returns to his vicious and rotten personality. Gwendoline gets herself hired as his secretary but he doesn’t remember her. As she insists they are lovers he calls for help but gets hit by the door when his fiancé opens it and remembers himself as the gentle Peter again. But when his fiancé realizes what has occurred she hits him over the head again, changing him back. But then both Charles and Gwendoline get hit by the door and Peter returns but Gwendoline is gone. He tells her she has amnesia and she says, “My name is Amnesia? I’m a Greek girl!” He tells her to step outside so she can get hit by a cab and they live happily ever after. 

            As always in the season finale, the show ends with the Charwoman sweeping up on the Carol Burnett set. Trick cinematography puts several of her characters together: Zelda, Chiquita, Nora, and Alice Portnoy and they all sing together about being together. Then Carol sings the long version of her theme song, kisses the head of the same one bald guy asleep in his seat and leaves the theatre. 

            One of the writers for this episode was Jay Tarses. He went on to create the TV series The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd; and The Slap Maxwell Story. He co-created the sitcoms Open All Night, The Tony Randall Show, and Buffalo Bill. He was an executive producer of The Bob Newhart Show. He co-created, co-wrote, and co-starred in the British sitcom Revolting People. He co-starred in the sitcom The Duck Factory. He co-wrote The Great Muppet Caper and The Muppets Take Manhattan.

May 15, 1996: I tried to get a lawyer but 1996 was the worst year for legal aid

Thirty years ago today 

            On Wednesday I tried to get legal aid to help fight my eviction but the Mike Harris Conservative government had taken a severe bite out of Legal Aid spending. He cut $153 million from the program, making 1996 the most restrictive year in Ontario Legal Aid history. I filed a dispute and got a court date for June 27 but I couldn’t get a lawyer to represent me.

Tom Patchett

            On Wednesday morning I memorized the fourth verse of L'anguille (The Eel) by Boris Vian. 

            I finished memorizing “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg and I translated most of the first verse. Tomorrow I’ll work on finishing the translation. 

            I weighed 87.85 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since April 15. 

            I played my Kramer electric for the last of two sessions and it stayed in tune. 

            I called AMI electronics to ask Oscar Moz if he could repair my stereo receiver in one day. He said he can do rush orders. I’ll take my Yamaha there on Friday. 

            I went downtown to buy candy to send to my daughter. The Bulk Mine at 655 Yonge has changed its name to Sweet Britannia. They’ve covered up the Union Jack design at the front with a pink sign but it’s all the same stuff inside. I got mostly sour stuff because that’s what I know Astrid likes but also some Eccles cakes and a few other things. I went to Ricardo’s at Eaton Centre and got a few things but mostly three cans of unusually flavoured Dr. Pepper. Astrid has been famous since high school for her love of Dr. Pepper. 

            I weighed 88.9 kilos at 15:45. That’s the same as the early afternoon of May 2. 

            I weighed 89.4 kilos at 18:15. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, two sliced souvlakis and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 6, episode 16 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup Carol says that after she did a parody of Charo, Charo’s husband Xavier Cugat sent her a painting he did and on the back there was a note from Charo expressing her admiration for her. 

            In the first skit they demonstrate how they censor themselves while writing their skits so as not to offend anyone. They remove the name Applebaum because it’s too Jewish; they remove the name Jones because the actor’s not black; they remove Vitelli because the prop man has a friend named Vitelli who’s in the hospital; so they have to remove the husband being deported to Sicily and change it to Topeka; Carol says a husband deported to Topeka sounds silly so they say make it your sister; but then they don’t want to offend any nuns; they change it to brother but that might offend monks; so they make it a dog but the boom man is a dog lover and doesn’t want to hear about dogs being deported. In the end all that’s left of the skit is “Good morning Miss Smith” and “Goodnight Mrs. Johnson”. 

            Ruth Buzzi sings about wanting to become the person she fantasizes that she really is. That person is kind of a parody of a combination of Janis Joplin and Tina Turner. 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch Carol thinks Roger is seeing another woman. She tells Chrissie about it and then goes to the bedroom to cry. Roger comes home upset because he just got into a car accident with a woman. Carol comes out to talk with him but he says he has things on his mind. She asks if it’s another woman and he says yes. She asks how it happened and he says it wasn’t his fault. She says she knows. He says “She hit me like a ton of bricks”. She asks, “Is she pretty?” and he says “I suppose so”. “Is she married?” “Yeah” “Does her husband know about it?” “I hope so” “What are you gonna do?” “The problem is do I get an attorney or settle out of court?” He goes to the bedroom to think things out before she gets here. “She’s coming here?” “Of course. We have to settle this whole affair once and for all”. The woman comes to the door and says she’d like to talk to Carol’s husband about their little accident, then she takes off her coat. Carol sees she’s pregnant and faints. 

            Carol plays a bride who will be doing the wedding march in a matter of minutes. Her father (played by Jack Gilford) comes in very nervous. He sings “I’m Calm” by Stephen Sondheim from the 1962 musical A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. He then sings “More I Cannot Wish You” by Frank Loesser from the 1950 musical Guys and Dolls. 

            In the George and Zelda sketch, George is watching a pirate movie. Zelda comes out to nag him before telling him he’ll be sleeping on the couch. He fantasizes about being a pirate captain but Zelda invades his fantasy. His men mutiny and say they’ll chain him and Zelda together, so George jumps overboard. All the other men jump in the ocean to avoid being with Zelda as well. 

            Carol sings “Love’s the Only Game in Town” by John Williams, Alan Bergman, and Marilyn Bergman from the 1972 movie Pete ‘n’ Tillie that Carol co-starred in with Walter Matthau. 

            The final skit tells the story of Snow White and the prince, fifteen years later. Snow White is a disgruntled housewife in a castle. Under her costume we see exaggeratedly sagging breasts. She looks in the magic mirror and asks how she looks. He says she’s now the 906th fairest in the land. The prince has no interest in her anymore. Snow White wishes her life could be different and then her fairy godmother appears. She’s very elderly but Snow recognizes her even though there was no fairy godmother in the Snow White story. The fairy grants her the wish of being happy ever after. There’s a knock on the door and it’s Bashful, one of the seven dwarves. She recognizes him after he grabs her and kisses her. He still thinks she’s the fairest of them all. The witch arrives with an apple and this time the prince eats it. He collapses and goes into the coma but first says how disgusted he would be if Snow White were to kiss him. Snow White goes with Bashful to live with the seven dwarves again and live happily ever after. 

            One of the writers of the Carol Burnett Show was Tom Patchett. He also wrote for The Bob Newhart Show, Buffalo Bill, and Alf (which he co-created). He wrote the screenplays for The Muppets Take Manhattan and The Great Muppet Caper. He founded the contemporary art gallery Track 16 in 1994.

May 14, 1996: I received my eviction notice from Helga Schlatter

Thirty years ago today

            On Tuesday I received my eviction notice Form 6 from Helga Schlatter and Peter Bird telling me I had to “deliver up vacant possession and occupation of the premises: Main Floor – Shared Kitchen at 111 Sheridan Avenue, M6K 2G8.” The date given for me to leave was by July 31. The reasons listed were that I had caused damage to the premises, disturbed their enjoyment of the premises, and had impaired the safety “or other lawful right, privilege or interest of” Helga and Peter. I got why they claimed I’d disturbed them because of late night conversations with friends, but I really didn’t get what damage they were going to claim I’d caused or what safety they were going to claim I’d impaired. Of course I was going to fight this eviction because it wasn’t fair.

Lily Tomlin

            On Tuesday morning I memorized the third verse of L'anguille (The Eel) by Boris Vian. 

            I worked on memorizing the sixth and final verse of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo). There’s a good chance I’ll have the song in my head tomorrow and then I’ll start translating it. 

            I weighed 88.45 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Kramer electric during song practice for the first of two sessions and it stayed in tune. 

            Around midday I rode up to Sham Florists at Dufferin and Dundas to see if they could coordinate with a florist in Montreal to send some flowers to my daughter. I did the same thing a few years ago and my daughter liked it. I picked out two or three flowers of each kind I liked, knowing that the florist in Montreal might have to approximate them. I said I’d set my budget for the flowers at $75 and they added the possible delivery fee on top. They didn’t take debit and so I paid $107.35 in cash. 

            I rode to Made You Look to pick up my amethyst, which they couldn’t polish but cleaned with water and soda at no charge. They made it quite sparkly with the washing. They put it in a fancy gift box with a ribbon around it even though I didn’t pay them anything. Everybody is so nice there I feel almost guilty about having no interest in jewellery. 

            I got a notice from the Attorney General’s office telling me I’ve been randomly selected to complete a mandatory jury eligibility form and have to do it within 30 days. I doubt if I’d be selected since I have a criminal record from when the cops planted drugs on me. 

            I weighed 89.5 kilos before lunch, which is the lightest I’ve been in the early afternoon since May 2. 

            I took a siesta and was woken by a call from Sham Florists. The Montreal florists didn’t have most of the flowers I’d selected, including the birds of paradise. I just said to pick purple, red, blue, and yellow and exotic. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 89.4 kilos at 18:00. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 19:45. 

            I worked again on trying to record with both channels from cassette through audio interface to Audacity. At first I could only get the left channel. I reached around to the back and pushed the output jacks in hard. That seemed to help and I was able to record one take of my song “Seven Shades of Blues” but part of the way into the second take I lost the right channel again. I pushed the jacks again but it didn’t help this time. For many years I’ve had the problem that sometimes my right speaker goes off but it often just takes shifting the amplifier from side to side to come back. I’d always thought that this was just about the speaker connection but the speaker wouldn’t affect me recording since I’m running a line from the amp to the audio interface. It seems that the problem all along might have been coming from inside the amp. A connection might need to be soldered. I might have to take it to AMI Electronics to get Dr. Oscar Moz to fix it. But then I’d be without a stereo for a few days. I wonder if he makes house calls. 

            I grilled eight chicken drumsticks and had two with a potato and gravy while watching season 6, episode 9 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            Instead of the usual audience warmup with questions and answers, the show begins with a song and dance number. Carol sings the 1970 song “We’re All Playing in the Same Band” by Bert Sommer. Then Steve Lawrence and Lily Tomlin join in. They segué into the 1970 song “I Believe in Music” by Mac Davis. 

            Lily does a monologue while sitting alone at a restaurant table after having been ditched by her computer date. She filled out one card for $2 and got 104 dates. It might have helped that she said in her profile that she was a good sport. She lights a cigar, tosses the lighter in the air and catches it in her inside vest pocket. She says one of the 104 matches might be Mr. Right. He’ll love her, cherish her, and make all of her dreams come true. Then she’ll hurt him. 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch Carol gets a call from her old college friend Shirley Martin. She’s crying after having finalized her divorce today so Carol invites her over to try and cheer her up. Roger wants to go for his golf lesson but Carol convinces him to stay at least for a few minutes to make Shirley feel welcome. But when Shirley arrives she is not only not depressed but she is upbeat and vivacious and so sexy that Roger decides to skip his golf lesson. She’s flirtatious with Roger, so Carol becomes increasingly jealous. Carol asks why she was crying over the phone and Shirley explains that they were tears of joy. She and Roger dance although Roger hasn’t danced since before he and Carol got married. Shirley leaves for a date with her first husband. Carol is mad at Roger and makes fun of his dancing. He does the funky chicken again and she cracks up. Roger throws out his back. He’s bent over and can’t straighten up so he asks Carol to help him so he can go to his golf lesson. Carol breaks one of his clubs and hands him the end so he can play golf bent over. 

            Steve Lawrence sings the 1939 song “I Get Along Without You Very Well (Except Sometimes) by Hoagy Carmichael and Jane Brown Thompson, and then segués into the 1970 song “Without You” by Pete Ham and Tom Evans that was a hit for Harry Nilsson in 1971. 

            Carol plays Nancy, the naïve new wife of a parody of Don Coleone (played by Steve with cotton in his mouth) in a spoof on The Godfather. They are about to begin their honeymoon when Guido arrives and embraces the Don. The Don kisses Guido on the mouth, causing Nancy confusion. Then the Don’s men shoot Guido. The Don and Nancy are kissing when Pasquale (played by Harvey) comes in as someone from the old country begging the Don for help but only Nancy seems to notice him. The Don carries Nancy to the bed and the Don strips to his pajamas as Pasquale does too and gets into bed beside them as he continues to tell his story with ridiculous facts like “my cow had dandruff”. Pasquale reminds the Don he’s known him 15 years and never asked a favour. He asks him for $10 till Monday. The Don asks, “What do I look like? A Bank?” Pasquale asks alternatively if he’ll arrange for him to become a US senator. The Don calls for three of his men and they crawl out from under the bed. He tells them to take Pasquale to Washington and make him a senator. Nancy says there’s a lot she doesn’t understand. Don says he doesn’t know much about her either. She tells him her name is Nancy Ravioli and suddenly he is terrified. He asks if she’s related to his enemy Hy Ravioli. She says she’s his son Kevin and then she shoots him. 

            Lily plays a sadistic prison guard named Muncey Ripka and Carol plays a tough prisoner named Spike de Bouvoir. An elderly prisoner steps forward to talk to Mincey but Muncey slaps her face and tells her she doesn’t play favourites, adding “Get that through your head mom!” Spike is thrown into a cell with a dumb prisoner named Vicki who plays the harmonica. Spike compliments her on her playing and then Vicki shows her hands are empty and says she can’t wait till she gets a harmonica. Spike asks how long she’s been there and Vicki shows her several marks on the wall that she’s drawn to indicate her time. She says pretty soon it’ll be a whole day. Spike tells Vicki her escape plan and she takes notes. Then she passes the note to Muncey who tortures Spike by running her fingernails over a chalkboard. This breaks Spike and she says she’ll submit. Spike receives a cale from the Concealed Weapon Cake Company. There’s a file inside and Vickie starts filing her nails. Spike uses the file to pick the lock and when Muncey comes to crack her knuckles Spike captures her and gets her gun. She’s about to leave with Muncey as a hostage when they are approached by Spike’s brother Father Mike the priest. While Spike is distracted Muncey grabs for the gun and they struggle until it goes off and Muncey dies. Mike tells Spike she’ll get the chair now and they walk down the hall until their large breasted Jewish mother (played by Harvey) arrives with her hand on the governor’s ear by which she’s dragged him there and forced him to pardon Spike. But Spike and Mike find her so overbearing they’d rather both go to the chair. 

            Carol’s Charwoman cleans up in the dressing room of a burlesque house. She puts on some of the accessories and sings “If My Friends Could See Me Now” by Cy Coleman and Dorothy Fields from the 1966 musical Sweet Charity. Then she does a duet in the mirror with a fancy version of herself in the mirror of the song “Baby Dream Your Dream” from the same musical.

            Lily Tomlin was born the day WWII started. She studied acting under Charles Nelson Reilly at HB Studio in Greenwich Village. She started her career doing standup comedy in Detroit and then New York. Dje made her TV debut on The Merv Griffin Show. She became famous for the characters she portrayed on Laugh-In. She won a Grammy for her album This is a Recording in 1971. She won an Emmy for her TV special Lily. She made her film debut in Nashville for which she was nominated for an Oscar. She made her Broadway debut in the one woman show Appearing Nitely in 1977. She won a Tony for her one woman show The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe. She co-starred in The Late Show, 9 to 5, Grace and Frankie, All of Me, Big Business, Flirting with Disaster, 80 for Brady, Moving On, She starred in Moment by Moment, The Incredible Shrinking Woman, A Prairie Home Companion, Grandma, The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe, She was the voice Miss Frizzle on The Magic School Bus and of Aunt May in Spiderman Into the Spiderverse. She played Murphy’s boss on Murphy Brown. During her Las Vegas show she was her own opening act as the lounge singer Tommy Velour. Before a one woman show in New York she dressed as a nurse and handed out coffee to people waiting in line for the show. She won the Mark Twain Prize for Humour in 2003. She said, “Reality is a crutch for people that can’t cope with drugs”. She published an autobiography of her character Edith Ann called My Life in 1995.

May 13, 1996: Brian and I rehearsed for my feature at the Art Bar

Thirty years ago today 

            On Monday Brian Haddon and I rehearsed for my June feature at the Art Bar Reading Series.

Peggy Lee

            On Monday morning I memorized the fifth verse of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo). There’s only one more verse to learn. 

            I weighed 88.95 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since last Monday though not quite as much. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time. 

            Around midday I went over to Made You Look with a piece of the big amethyst rock that I broke apart a few years ago. I wanted to see if they could polish it before I send it to my daughter for her birthday. The gemmologist wasn’t there so I left the amethyst for them to look at when they return. They got back to me later by email to tell me that it’s already the colour it grew as and so polishing wouldn’t enhance that. They cleaned it free of charge and I’ll pick it up tomorrow. That store is enormous now. I went in there more than twenty years ago with my daughter because she’d gotten the ring from a Lord of the Rings board game stuck on her finger and they were able to cut the ring off. Back then there was a counter about five meters from the door and the area leading to it was the whole store. Now the store stretches back to the end of the building with more than one room. 

            I weighed 89.95 kilos before lunch. May 3 was the last early afternoon when I pushed the scale that far. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride and stopped at Long and McQuade to buy a stereo splitter so I can record in stereo with my audio interface. I’ve been only getting the left channel. 

            I stopped at Freshco to look for grapes but they were all too soft so I just went home. 

            I weighed 89.95 kilos at 18:05. Not quite as much as the evening of May 3. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 19:30.

            I tried recording with the new stereo breakout in my audio interface but I still only got the left channel. I didn’t have a lot of time to try to find a solution. 

            My upstairs neighbour David called to ask if I’d help him do the census online. It wasn’t that difficult. I’m almost exactly ten years older than David. 

            I had a potato with gravy and my last piece of pork tenderloin while watching season 6, episode 8 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            In the first skit Carol does a parody of the comic strip character Mary Worth. Mary Worthless helps people in trouble whether they like it or not. A couple played by Harvey and Vicki have been ecstatically happy for five years with not a single argument until Mary comes to serve as their maid for a dinner with his boss as guest. Vicki has already set the table but Mary says she’ll, “Clear these dirty dishes”. She sees they’ve made martinis and refers to Harvey’s “drinking problem”. Mary says Harvey thinks Vicki is too stupid to cope with it. She also says he’s cheating on her and their marriage doesn’t have a chance. This set Vicki off to be suspicious of her husband. Then Mary implies it’s Vicki who’s cheating. The couple begins to argue for the first time. Harvey thinks Vicki is having an affair with his boss who she’s never met. When his boss arrives he punches him. Then Harvey kills himself by jumping out the window. 

            Peggy Lee sings the 1970 composition “A Song for You” by Leon Russell.

            Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara do one of their comedy routines. Jerry tells the audience that although Anne comes across on stage as loud and overbearing, at home she’s a normal housewife who cooks and cleans. Anne says that’s a lie and that she hates cooking and cleaning. As President Richard Nixon had recently visited China, Stiller and Meara do a skit as if they are Mr. and Mrs. Chou en Lai discussing the visit after the Nixons leave. They stole towels and ashtrays from the hotel and left graffiti on the great wall. Mrs. Lai at first thought that Barbara Walters was Mrs. Nixon because they all look alike. 

            Carol and Peggy sing a song about how women like to gossip. “Girl Talk” by Neal Hefty and Bobby Troup was written for the 1965 film Harlow. 

            In "As the Stomach Turns", the circus is in town and Marian is visiting the owner, her old friend Madame Tanbark the bearded lady (played by Anne Meara). She says someone is trying to sabotage the circus. She says the frog legged woman committed suicide by covering herself in garlic sauce and walking into a French restaurant. Marian asks if it was Pierre’s last Thursday and Tanbark says yes. By the expression on Marian’s face we know that she ate the frog legged woman. She says she didn’t recognize her under all that parsley. Hugo the strongman comes and Marian gives him a body search in case he’s a saboteur. Vicki plays Harry Harriet the half man-half woman. It’s an abusive relationship. Harvey plays Gregory the lion tamer who has lost his nerve. Marian reminds him that lion taming is in his blood as his father was the greatest of all time. She asks how he lost his nerve. He says it happened when he opened up the lion’s mouth and his father was inside. 

            They try to demonstrate the difference between men and women by showing their reactions to being in the exact same kind of car accident. The men get into a fight but each woman says that it was her fault. They leave the wreckage where it is and go for lunch together. 

            Carol and Harvey play a wealthy couple of high breeding who are preparing for the wedding of their son. Their guest list has only Vanderbilts, Rockefellers, and the Onassis family. But then they meet their future daughter in law’s parents (played by Stiller and Meara) and see to their horror that they are working class. Anne wants her martini to be three parts gin and three parts Kool Aid. Then the young couple arrive to announce to both sets of parents’ horror that they want to have their wedding on the street in Greenwich Village. The wedding begins with a song and dance of the song “The Rhythm of Life” from the 1966 musical Sweet Charity. Peggy Lee, clad all in red plays a hippy high priestess as she officiates over the wedding. 

            Peggy Lee sang before she could talk. She was raised by an abusive stepmother and wrote about the experience in her song “One Beating a Day”. She sang it during her Broadway debut in the 1983 musical Peg. In her teens she started singing on the radio. She developed her sultry purr in 1940 while singing in nightclubs. Rather than trying sing above the noise she sang softly below it and was able to get through. She became the singer for Benny Goodman’s big band. In 1942 she had her first top ten hit with “Somebody Else is Taking My Place”. She and Goodman had a hit with “Why Don’t You Do Right?” She had a hit in 1947 with “Golden Earrings”. She co-wrote “Manana” in 1948 and it was a #1 hit. In her solo career she had even bigger hits with “Fever” (she added lyrics to the song that are now standard but never copyrighted them), “Big Spender” and “Is That All There is?” (for which she won a Grammy in 1969). She co-starred in The Jazz Singer (1952), She was nominated for an Academy Award for her performance in Pete Kelly’s Blues in 1955. She wrote the lyrics for “Johnny Guitar” in 1954. She wrote songs for the 1955 animated film Lady and the Tramp, for which she also voiced four characters. Her 1989 album Peggy Sings the Blues was nominated for a Grammy. She co-wrote more than 270 songs. Duke Ellington called her “The Queen”. The drink the Margarita was created in her honour. She was the inspiration for the Muppet Miss Piggy.