Thirty years ago today
On Sunday my daughter’s grandparents dropped her off at my place and after a day of play I gave her back to her mother.
Tuesday, 22 September 2026
Monday, 21 September 2026
Alan Arkin
I uploaded “Venez donc voir” (“Come On and See”) by Boris Vian to my Christian’s Translations blog and began to prepare it for publication. I might have it done on Sunday.
I memorized the chorus and the second verse of “La fille aux claquettes” (The Tap Dancing Girl) by Serge Gainsbourg. I revised my translation of the first two verses and the chorus. There’s just one verse and chorus left.
I weighed 90.35 kilos before breakfast.
I played my Martin during song practice for the first of two sessions and it went out of tune all the time.
I rode to Vina pharmacy to ask them to fax my doctor to get him to renew my Betaderm prescription. The druggist told me I already have four renewals. Although my container says “0 repeats”, apparently they faxed Dr. Shechtman back and got him to grant more. I said I’d pick it up next Saturday.
I rode to No Frills where I bought seven bags of red grapes, a pack of blueberries, a pack of strawberries, a pack of five-year-old cheddar, two packs of New Zealand ground grass fed beef (I think it was ground and packed in Canada), a bottle of olive oil with the spout, three bags of 1% milk, a jug of lemonade, a container of 0% skyr, a container of 4% skyr, and a bag of Miss Vickie’s chips. Even though the price of the grapes was very cheap at $3.28 a kilo I matched it with the Freshco price of $3.17 a kilo. The cashier was surprised and said she’s going to do that too.
I weighed 91.1 kilos at 14:50, which is the lightest I’ve been in the early afternoon since July 29. I had peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar on saltines with a glass of lemonade.
I took a siesta and woke up too late for a bike ride.
I weighed 91.25 kilos at 17:30.
I was a day behind in my journal and worked on getting caught up.
I made four burgers with the ground beef and grilled them. I made pizza on a slice of 7 grain bread with marinara, tomato pesto, one of the burgers sliced edgewise, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching three sketches from The Carol Burnett Show.
In the first, Carol plays Cynthia, a nerdy girl with a sinus condition and wealthy father (played I think by Alan Arkin but not credited). Jerry Lewis plays a nerdy boy named Dexter with a wealthy father played by Harvey Korman. The two fathers want to merge their families and so they arrange a date between the two. Dexter is 35 and his father asks him if he thinks a man of 35 should be playing with electric trains. Dexter says, “As long as he’s careful.” Dad warns him that if he botches this he won’t let him go to camp this summer. He tells him to take off his glasses until she gets to like him but he can’t see without them. He comes to Cynthia’s place and trips over her couch. They both put on their glasses and he’s frightened when he sees her. She says her father suggested plastic surgery. “When are ya gonna have it?” “I had it already.” “They did a very unusual job!” “Thank you!” They dance awkwardly and then he dances frantically with her and by himself. He says he’s in love and she tells him he has animal magnetism. He says he probably caught it at camp. They kiss weirdly by just touching lips and holding them together. They’re going to get married.
The second sketch is a parody Sunset Boulevard. Steve Lawrence plays Joey Gillis, who comes to the mansion of silent screen legend Nora Desmond who hasn’t made a movie in 30 years. He meets her butler Max (played by Harvey Korman with a German accent) who was Nora’s director in her days of stardom. Joey wants Nora to buy his screenplay. Nora stumbles down the stairs in extreme makeup with a permanent look of extreme surprise on her face. Joey asks her why she never made it in talking pictures and she answers, “I don’t know!” in a squeaky voice. After he introduces himself she keeps forgetting she saw him a few seconds ago and repeats several times, “Hello, who are you and what are you doing here?” She asks Max if she hears the phone ringing. “No”. “Good then don’t answer it!” Max says Nora is writing her own screenplay but she tells Joey, “You’ll stay here and help me!” She kisses Joey then says, “How dare you!” and knocks him across the room. She says if he helps her everything she has is his. She puts her pearls around his neck and her earrings on his ears, then says, “Give me back my jewellery you thief!” and knocks him across the room. She wants to rehearse her screenplay and Joey tries to leave but Max pulls a gun. They start a scene in which Joey is a slave and Nora holds a whip but Joey stops her and tells her she’s all washed up. She grabs Max’s gun and says she’s going to kill Joey. Max jumps in front and she shoots him in the forehead. Then she shoots Joey. Then she declares that she can do it alone but when she points at herself she fires the gun and now everybody is dead.
The third is the famous Dentist sketch featuring Tim Conway as a new dentist and Harvey Korman as his first patient. Harvey has a bad toothache but Tim tells him he only got C grades in filling and pulling. Then he confesses that he cheated on his final exam. He also was sick when the other students worked on people and so his only experience is with animals. He starts by rubbing and scratching Harvey’s tummy. Tim has to consult his textbook to remind him how to pull a tooth. Harvey says he needs something for the pain and Tim hands him the needle full of novocaine to hold while he looks up how to administer it. He reaches for the needle without looking and stabs his hand, then it goes limp. As Tim tries to function with a limp hand, that’s when Harvey starts to laugh. He tries to hold the syringe in his limp hand but his arm swings down to stab himself in the leg. Seconds later his right leg goes limp and he drops to one knee. This was not in the script. He pulls himself up and drags his leg across the room to get a chair for support. He tries to give Harvey the novocaine again but this time stabs his own forehead. Now Harvey is totally cracking up and Tim is starting to. Tim tries to adjust the light, hits Harvey in the face and knocks out his tooth. Then says, “That’ll be $20”.
Alan Arkin took acting lessons from the age of 10. In college he took drama classes and sang in a folk band. He dropped out of college to form The Tarriers, for which he was the lead singer and played guitar. He co-wrote “The Banana Boat Song”, which became a big hit for harry Belafonte in 1954. He cut a solo album called Folk Songs: Once Over Lightly. he made his film debut in 1957, singing in Calypso Heat Wave. In 1959 he became one of the original members of Second City in Chicago. He made his Broadway debut in 1961 in the musical From The Second City, for which he wrote the lyrics and sketches. In 1963 he won a Tony Award for his performance in Enter Laughing. In 1964 he starred in Luv on Broadway (I had the record and it was great). He made his directorial debut in the 1964 off-Broadway production of Eh?, which was the stage debut of Dustin Hoffman. He made his film directorial debut in 1969 with People Soup, based on a story he published in Galaxy Science Fiction in 1958. In 1972 he directed the original production of The Sunshine Boys. His first Oscar nomination was for his performance in The Russians Are Coming in 1966. He co-starred in Wait Until Dark, Woman Times Seven, Argo (for which he was Oscar nominated), Hearts of the West, Rafferty and the Gold Dust Twins, Joshua Then and Now (for which he won a Genie Award), Hearts of the West, Edward Scissorhands, The Rocketeer, Glengarry Glen Ross, Indian Summer, North, Mother Night, Gattaca, Slums of Beverly Hills, Grosse Pointe Blank, Jacob the Liar, America’s Sweethearts, 13 Conversations About One Thing, Rendition, The Santa Clause 3, Sunshine Cleaning, The Private Lives of Pippa Lee, City Island, Django Unchained (for which he was Oscar nominated), Stand Up Guys, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, The Million Dollar Arm, Get Smart, Going in Style, Dumbo, Spenser Confidential, Little Miss Sunshine (For which he won an Academy Award), Little Murders (which he also directed), and Minions: the Rise of Gru. He starred in Deadhead Miles, Last of the Red Hot Lovers, Freebie and the Bean, The Seven Percent Solution, Popi, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, Four Days in September, Inspector Clouseau, Catch 22, The In-Laws, Simon, Improper Channels, Chu-Chu and the Philly Flash, The Last Unicorn, Fire Sale (which he also directed), and Love the Coopers. He won an Emmy Award for his performance in The Pentagon Papers. He and his wife Barbara Dana co-starred on the 1970 to 1971 season of Sesame Street as an arguing couple who solve their problem each episode when they learn to spell “cooperate”. He co-starred in the series . He wrote the books Tony’s Hard Work Day, The Lemming Condition, Halfway Through the Door, The Clearing, An Improvised Life, Out of My Mind, Cassie Loves Beethoven, and One Present for Flekman’s. He said David Mamet is harder to do than Shakespeare. He had a home in Cape Breton where he spent every summer. His father David Arkin co-wrote the song “Black and White”.
September 21, 1996: I posed for Artists 25 and got paid in cash
On Saturday from 10:00 to 16:00 I did the second and last session of the pose I started for Artists 25 the week before. I got paid in cash.
Sunday, 20 September 2026
Bob Hope
On Friday after midnight I lint rolled the top of my bed and no bedbugs turned up. I put some more carpet tape on the edge of the foot of my mattress. I went to bed around 1:40 and slept fairly well until I got up to pee at 3:30 but I went back to sleep until 5:00. During yoga I caught a bedbug on my left arm. After yoga I found a couple stuck to the tape on the floor at the head of my bed.
I finished translating “Venez donc voir” (“Come On and See”) by Boris Vian and ran through singing and playing it in English. On Saturday I’ll upload it to my Christian’s Translations blog to prepare it for publication.
I memorized the first verse of “La fille aux claquettes” (The Tap Dancing Girl) by Serge Gainsbourg. I discovered that the lyrics I have didn’t include the chorus and so I tracked the text for that down and transcribed it.
I weighed 90.25 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since August 12.
I played my Kramer during song practice for the last of two sessions and it stayed in tune pretty much the whole time.
I called the city to let them know that the bylaw officer has yet to get in touch with me even though it’s been two weeks since I made the bedbug complaint. The phone support person gave me the number and email of Jamal Logan. I emailed him but he still hasn’t made contact.
I weighed 91.6 kilos before lunch. August 22 was the last early afternoon when I was so nice to the scale.
In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back.
I weighed 91.05 kilos at 18:10. That’s the same as the evening of July 28.
I was caught up in my journal at 20:16.
I digitized a cassette recording of a Christian and the Lions concert on Sedated Sunday at The El Mocambo. The band at this time consisted of Tom Smarda on Stratocaster, Steve Lowe on acoustic guitar, and Mike Martin on drums. My voice was pretty bad that night but it improved considerably about halfway through when I finally asked the sound person to turn up the vocal monitor. I also sounded drunk. We did “I Saw My Reflection in an Open Wound”, “The Next State of Grace” (with me trying to sing low to harmonize with Tom), “Seven Veils of Armour” (Dedicated to Anna Montedioro because it was her birthday), “Thin Red Line”, “Sixteen Tons of Dogma”, and “Seven Shades of Blues”. From the third song on, Bob Cook played harmonica.
I had a potato with the last of my gravy and three pork ribs while watching three videos containing a classic Carol Burnette Sketch each.
The first was The Brown Derby sketch guest starring Bing Crosby as himself. Carol plays a waiter at The Brown Derby. Crosby comes in with Harvey Korman and they sit down in Carol’s section. She goes gaga over him and won’t leave him alone. She says he was born in Takoma, Washington, then moved to Spokane and sang with The Rhythm Boys, then went to Hollywood. She sings, “Pennies from Heaven” and he asks her to sing the menu. She takes the ashes from his pipe for a souvenir though they are still lit. She wants his autograph and as he’s about to sign she says he must be hungry and steals a salad from another table. He says he can’t eat and sign so she feeds him. Harvey asks, “After you burp him can we order?” She wants a picture with him and gets Harvey to take it. Then Bing says, “Now can we order?” But Carol says, “Don’t bug me! Here comes the biggest star of them all!” Then Bing is totally surprised as Bob Hope walks in. Bob compliments Bing’s blazer and says, “These are coming back you know”. Then Bob shows off his own tweed jacket and says he had it made in Glendale. Bing asks where he was at the time.
The second sketch is a Carol and Sis episode guest starring Don Rickles as a painter named Snider who is doing Carol’s living room. She’s complaining about how long it’s taking. When he walks in Carol says, “It’s about time!” “Just leave me alone lady!” “Could I have a word with you?” “I thought you were gonna take some sleeping pills!” “I changed my mind!” “You didn’t take the sleeping pills?” “No!” “Can I take them?” “I’m saving them for later!” “You don’t have to swallow them! Just hold them in your mouth till your tongue gets drowsy!” “These happen to be my walls and you’re gonna paint them the colour I want them!” “How bout I suck your neck!” “The forest green is just a shade off.” “You want a light green or a dark green?” “I want canary yellow.” Snider throws his brush, shouts “That’s it” and climbs down from the ladder. He goes to the phone and Carol goes to the kitchen to tell her sister Chrissie she’s learned how to handle Snider and now he’s ordering the paints. But on the phone Snider says, “Hello doctor? It’s Snider! I think I’m getting another attack! The pills? Yeah, I have them. Three? But you don’t understand. She went from forest green to canary yellow. Six pills?” Meanwhile Chrissie asks Carol if she’s sure about canary yellow. “Absolutely!” “Do you think it might be too bright for the room?” “You’re right!” Carol goes to Snider and says, “The canary yellow is too bright and the forest green is too dark. Let’s settle on a medium brown.” He runs into the kitchen and starts banging his head on the cutting board. “This broad’s makin it an eye test! I can’t take it anymore! I wanna go away and watch a duck die!” He regains his composure and returns to the living room. “Ladies, you’re absolutely right. Medium brown is fine. I’ll just mix the paint.” Carol says, “But it’ll clash with the new draperies. Maybe we’d better go back to forest green.” He tells his hands not to go for her, then climbs down from the ladder and says he’s going in the alley for a minute. One can hear him yelling out there as he bangs his head on the side of the building. He comes back in and says, “Did you know that Adolph Hitler, before he was a house painter, was a pussycat? And it must’ve been a nutty, flippy broad like you that was in Munich and started World War II!” Carol shouts, “How dare you!” as her husband Roger (played by Harvey) walks in. “What’s going on?” “There’s something wrong with Mr. Snider!” Snider says, “There’s nothing wrong with Mr. Snider! Mr. Snider is quitting!” Roger says, “You can’t leave a job half finished!” “Who says?” “I do!” Who are you?” “Her husband!” Snider pauses and says, “Right!” and both Carol and Harvey start laughing. Snider says, “Pull yourself together you moron! You’re married to this ding-a-ling? You don’t need these walls painted! They should be padded and she should be in a hot tub with a duck!” Carol appears to be upset and leaves the room but I think she is just going off-camera to laugh. Roger says, “She’s my wife and whatever she says is alright with me cause she has great taste!” “She picked you for a husband so she’s got bad taste! She’s got a big mouth and a small brain and it’s broads like her that make painters like me wanna cut off their ears!” Roger brings his face close to Snider’s and says, “You were hired to paint! So paint big mouth!” Snider says, “You know somethin?” “What?” “You got a stye!” Harvey cracks up again. Snider picks up a brush full of canary yellow and paints Roger’s tie. Then he paints under his arm and says, “Into the valley where the seagulls die!” Roger shouts, “Get out!” Snider says, “Pinocchio is alive!” and paints Roger’s nose. Roger paints Snider’s face too. Snider shouts, “Oh yeah?” as Harvey cracks up again. Snider goes to the kitchen to get water for a tranquilizer when Carol swings open the door and knocks him out.
The last sketch is a parody of the hit 60s movie Love Story. Carol plays Jinnie, a student who works part time in the college library. Harvey plays Oliver Harvard IV, who is rich and the star of the college hockey team. He sees Jinnie for the first time and says he loves her. He says he can give her anything. She says she’s happy at the library so he says he’s buying it for her. Jinnie says, “Stop it preppie and just get out of my life!” “No! I know you love me!” “I never said anything about loving you!” “But don’t you understand? Love means never having to say I love you!” (That’s a parody of the most famous line from Love Story: ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry’) “You mean if I say I don’t love you I do?” “Of course! Because not loving means having to say ‘I love you’, which you didn’t say because you did!” “I’ve never thought of it that way! I guess I don’t love you, which means I do!” Music plays and they embrace. They dance around the library hand in hand while making it look like slow motion. He proposes and they embrace and kiss while four guys surround them with violins and play something like the theme from Love Story. Carol says, “Promise me it’ll always be this romantic!” “I can’t promise that!” Why not?” “Two of the violinists graduate next week!” He takes her to meet his father. “My father and I have never been very close. I grew up in Connecticut and he lived in Massachusetts.” “My, this is a big house!” His father walks in and asks, “Which one of you is Oliver?” He forbids the marriage and warns Oliver if he marries Jinnie he’ll cut him off.
Jinnie and Oliver now have a small apartment. Oliver walks in and she runs to his arms. “I missed you so much!” “I missed you too! Next time we’ll both take out the garbage!” They stay ridiculously physical connected in everything they do. A telegram arrives saying Oliver has just been made junior partner in a big law firm for $20,000 a year (which is like $200,000 today). Then he gets a phone call telling him he’s now senior partner at $50,000 a year”. Then another telegram announces that he’s just been made chief justice of The Supreme Court. He says, “From now on our future is going to be unlimited joy and happiness!” But then she coughs. He puts her in bed and she says she’s cold. “I’ll get you the finest doctor that money can buy!” Suddenly Lyle Wagonner walks in. “Who are you?” “I’m the finest doctor money can buy!” “How did you know she was sick?” “I heard the music!” He lays out several sharp instruments on the bed and tells her to stick out her tongue. She does and he says, “Uh oh!” He tells Oliver that Jinny only has five minutes to live. She dies then Oliver learns it’s contagious and he dies too while Lyle plays the violin.
Bob Hope was born in England and his parents brought him to the US when he was 5. At the age of 12 he busked as a singer and dancer on the street for change. Also at 12 he won a prize for his imitation of Charlie Chaplin. He changed his name from Leslie to Bob because in school they called him Hopelessly”. He was briefly a pro boxer under the name Packy East with three wins and one loss. His showbusiness debut was as a dancer for a Fatty Arbuckle vaudeville revue in 1924. He formed a vaudeville act called The Dancemedians with George Byrne and the conjoined tapdancing twins The Hilton Sisters. He and Byrne sometimes performed in blackface as dancing and singing Siamese twins. He made his Broadway debut in The Sidewalks of New York in 1927. He first performed with Bing Crosby on vaudeville in 1932. His first starring role on Broadway was in Roberta in 1933. He made his radio debut on NBC in 1934. His first regular radio show was The Woodbury Soap Hour in 1937. The Pepsodent Show Starring Bob Hope began in 1938 with a ten year contract. He paid a crew of 15 writers and it became the top show in the US. He made his film debut in The Big Broadcast of 1938 singing “Thanks for the Memory” which became his theme song and won an Oscar. He starred in My Favourite Brunette, Star Spangled Revue, Let’s Face It, They Got Me Covered, Calling All Tars, Shop Talk, Double Exposure, Watch the Birdie, The Old Grey Mayor, Going Spanish, The Cat and the Canary, The Paleface (in which he introduced the Oscar winning song “Buttons and Bows”), and Cancel my Reservation. He co-starred in Road to Singapore, Road to Zanzibar, Road to Morocco, Road to Utopia, Road to Rio, Road to Bali, Road to Hong Kong, and Paree Paree, His writers had to submit 20 jokes each a day. If a writer didn’t come up with a joke Bob used over two weeks they were fired. He had a lifetime contract with NBC and held the record for the longest contract with any network. He started doing TV specials in 1950 and was one of the first performers to use cue cards. His Christmas specials were particularly popular. His 1970 Christmas special filmed live in Vietnam is still one of the highest rated TV broadcasts in history. He hosted or co-hosted the Academy Awards 18 times starting in 1940. He wrote several books, mostly dictated to ghostwriters, such as I Owe Russia $1200, Confessions of a Hooker (about golf), and Don’t Shoot It’s Only Me. During WWII and the Vietnam War he spent 57 tours entertaining the troops. He also visited wounded soldiers in hospitals and forbade his accompanying performers to cry because their job was to elevate the spirits of the soldiers. From 1950 to 1969 DC comics published The Adventures of Bob Hope, which ran for 109 issues. In 1969 he was worth $150 million (the equivalent of one and a half billion today). Although he had a reputation for being cheap he is said to have donated $1 billion to charity over his life. He bought several acres of land in Rancho Mirage, California to build a race track but decided the area needed a medical centre so he donated the land to build The Eisenhower Medical Centre, which is now one of the top 100 hospitals in the US. He retired from show business at 93. He was the entertainment coordinator for the USO from 1941 to 2001 when he retired at 98. He was the only entertainer allowed to walk onto Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show whenever he wanted. He won a record 1500 awards. He was awarded an honorary knighthood in 1998. Voters declared him the Entertainer of the 20th Century. He became a vocal supporter of gay rights after his daughter came out as a lesbian. He said, “There is nothing I wouldn’t do for Bing Crosby and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me. That’s why we do nothing for each other.” On having six brothers. “Waiting for the bathroom is how I learned to dance”. “When vaudeville died, television was the box they put it in”. On golfing he said, “It’s wonderful how you can start out with three strangers in the morning, play 18 holes and end up with three new enemies.” Woody Allen says Bob Hope was his biggest influence and his characters in Sleeper and Love and Death were basically impersonations of Hope. He wrote Diane Keaton’s parts in those films to play the part of Bing Crosby. He first started golfing in Winnipeg in the 1930s. Marlon Brando called him a desperate applause junkie.
September 20, 1996: I rested after my first week of work
Thirty years ago today
On Friday I rested from my first week of work and did some writing. Brian Haddon came over and we rehearsed some of my songs. In the evening we walked across the street to perform on the Spit Fridays open stage in the back room of the Cameron.
Saturday, 19 September 2026
September 19, 1996: It was my first full day of work of the new school year
Thirty years ago today
On Thursday I posed for the Ontario College of Art in room 357 from 9:00 to 16:00. It was my first full day of work for the new school year.
Friday, 18 September 2026
Carol Haney
I ran through singing and playing “Venez donc voir” (“Come On and See”) by Boris Vian in French. I translated the first verse and should have the whole song done on Friday.
I published “Lovers Are a Pinball Game”, my translation of “Les filles c'est un flipper” by Serge Gainsbourg on my Christian’s Translations blog and posted the lyrics on Facebook. I looked for the next unfinished song in my Gainsbourg translation project and in the 1975 document found “La Biche aux yeux clairs” (The Doe with Clear Eyes) but there is no video for that song because apparently it was never released. Next then is “La fille aux claquettes” (The Tap Dancing Girl), which was recorded by Jane Birkin and does have audio online. I’ll start learning that tomorrow.
I weighed 90.95 kilos before breakfast.
I played my Kramer during song practice for the first of two sessions and it stayed in tune most of the time.
I was told two weeks ago that a bylaw officer would be engaged with my complaint about the bedbugs within ten days. I sent an email to point that out.
I weighed 91.65 kilos before lunch, which is the lightest I’ve been in the early afternoon since August 22.
In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and on the way back stopped at Freshco where the red grapes were super cheap but most of them were too soft. I picked through them and got three bags. Their green grapes were not on sale but I had a No Frills flyer for a price almost as cheap as the red grapes so I got four bags. I bought some bananas, a jug of orange juice, a jar of salsa and a lint roller.
I weighed 91.1 at 18:25. That’s the easiest I’ve been on the scale in the evening since September 1.
I was caught up in my journal at 20:35.
I had a potato with gravy and three pork ribs while watching season 4, episode 36 of The Garry Moore Show.
The show begins with a musical number as The Ernie Flatt Dancers lip sync the voices of The George Becker Singers as they perform a song about the sailing season. Then Garry and his guests Carol Haney and Alan King come out. Carol Burnett comes out last and then the two Carols sing a verse of the song to Garry.
Alan King does a stand-up routine while smoking a cigarette. He says he’s smoking Winston because that’s the sponsor and he wants to be back next year.
He says three weeks ago he went with his wife to Florida for a six day vacation. He changes the names of the airlines because of a court order and because he wants Garry to have a restful summer. He picked Atlantic Airlines to leave at 12:01. For resort areas passengers have to arrive one hour before take off. His wife has 12 bags even though they are only going for six days and Alan has to pay a $93 overweight fee. When he gets there he learns that the aircraft for his flight is being serviced. At 15:00 his wife is blaming him because the airline is late. After four hours they are still servicing the aircraft. He is told North South Airlines has a plane leaving in 38 minutes and they think they can get them on. On these flights there is one person sitting alone in first class while people are piled up on top of each other in economy class. They say they are holding the flight for him but now he has to get the 12 bags back from Atlantic to load them on North South. But when you give your bags to one airline they go down a belt and there is an incinerator at the other end. Idlewild (Now JFK) Airport has individual terminals. You can’t walk from one airline to the other because they are half a kilometer apart. Taxis line up in front of each terminal to take passengers to New York. Alan and his wife with their bags jump into a cab and tell the driver “North South Airlines”. The cabbies are not used to such short trips and he says, “It’s just over there!” “I know where it is! I want you to take me there!”. “I’ll lose my place in line!” “I’ll keep your place and you can take my wife to Florida!” The trip costs 35 cents but Alan gives him a dollar. “If you hadn’t had such a big mouth I’d have given you $2” he tells him though he wouldn’t have given him $2 but he wanted to aggravate him. They run and make it onto the plane. Right on time the plane taxis to the runway. Then they stop and sit there for 45 minutes. It starts to taxi again and then stops for an hour and a half. Then the pilot announces they are going back to the hanger for repairs. Scott Carpenter went around the world 82 times in the time Alan spent at the airport. Alan is told Atlantic has a flight leaving in 20 minutes. They jump into a cab and guess who the driver is. Alan says, “Atlantic Airlines” The cab driver is shocked to see him. “Where were you?” “I went to Florida but didn’t like the climate so I came back!”
Garry asks Marian Lorne where she’s going for summer vacation. She says she’s going to Rome to see the ruins like the catacombs, the coliseum, and Richard Burton.
Garry says their summer replacement will be a show called Talent Scouts hosted by Jim Backus. He brings Jim out to say hello. Garry tells him his favourite of his characters is Mr. Magoo and he asks how he ever came up with such a near sighted character. Jim puts on his Magoo voice and says, “I’d know you anywhere George Gobel.” Then he leaves as Carol Burnett comes out and he calls her John Wayne.
Carol is dressed like a southern belle and she sings Garry a song: “Love your chubby figure, every little ounce. You’re the prime example of it’s what’s up front that counts.”
Carol leaves to change for the next sketch and Garry whispers to the audience that they have a surprise for them, for Carol and for all but five or six members of the cast. He says for four years Carol has never been at a loss to find a way to recover a sketch when things go wrong. He says, “All this week we have been rehearsing a sketch starring Carol in which she finds a bag of money in a taxi. Durward, Carol, and I have been rehearsing it straight the same as usual all week. But unknown to Carol, afterwards Durward and I have rehearsed the sketch in an entirely different way. When she comes in with the bag and tries to open it, from that point on every cue will be wrong."
The sketch opens with Durward at home dusting when he hears a news report that a man left $10,000 (which would have the spending power today of $100,000) in the back seat of a taxi in a blue and white striped canvas bag. Carol comes in, nervously holding a blue and white striped canvas bag. She tries to open it to show him but it won’t unzip. He tells her he knows there’s $10,000 inside and she’s surprised. Durward says it belongs to someone else so there’s nothing else to do but call Mexican Airlines. Carol looks puzzled but she picks up the phone. However the cord has been cut. She says she wants to go to Mexico and lie in the sun. He says, “Your conscience would hurt you but the rest of you would feel wonderful!” Carol is puzzled again because that wasn’t in the script but finally agrees. He takes the bag from her and says he’s taking it to the police. Again Carol is surprised. He leaves with the bag but comes back through another door and says, “I must be out of my mind!” Carol says, “I think so!” Durward hides the bag behind the drapes even though it’s easily seen there. The window shade rolls up suddenly and she shouts, “”He did it!” They calm down until suddenly there’s a knock on the door as they panic and keep tossing the bag back and forth.
She stuffs the bag under her sweater but Durward says that won’t work. He puts it under the rug even though it’s a big conspicuous lump in the middle of the floor. Carol answers the door but nobody’s there and she’s confused.
Then Garry walks in and Carol starts jumping up and down. he says, “Remember all week how we’ve been rehearsing this sketch?” She says, “I think so!” He tells her they changed it just to see how she’d handle herself. She’s laughing and hugs them both. He says he bet they couldn’t throw Carol and they didn’t because she kept the sketch moving.
At the gathering of the cast and guests at the end, Garry announces that this is Carol’s final show as a regular cast member but she is going to be back as often as possible next year, “And we certainly want her whenever we can get her. It’s been a marvellous four years!” he hugs her.
Carol Haney was a dancer from the age of 5 and even before she finished high school she opened a dance studio to teach lessons. During WWII she moved to Hollywood where she became the assistant and dance partner of Jack Cole. In 1950 she became an assistant to Gene Kelly. The dancing part played by Cyd Charisse in Singin in the Rain was originally intended for her to play. She won a Tony for her performance in The Pajama Game, which was her first speaking part. She reprised her role in the film adaptation. In addition to the Tony she won she was nominated for three others for Best Choreographer for Flower Drum Song, Bravo Giovanni, and Funny Girl. A month into The Pajama Game on Broadway she hurt her ankle and Shirley MacLaine took over on a night when Hollywood Producer Hal Wallis had come to see Haney. That’s what launched Shirley into stardom. Carol Haney died six months after this episode of The Garry Moore Show aired.
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