George Carlin

            On Thursday morning I revised my translation of the fourteenth verse of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. 

            I memorized the third verse of “Dessous mon pull” (Under My Sweater) by Serge Gainsbourg. There are only three more verses to learn and that’s only eight lines so I might have it all in my head this weekend. 

            I weighed 88.45 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since April 6. 

            I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the first of four sessions and it went out of tune during every song. It also feels like the action has gone up. 

            Around midday I went over to Family Dentistry to make an appointment. My top front filling needs to be fixed and I need to find out if my denture can be altered so I can wear it again. The shape of the gap has changed since I got the bone graft and it will be several months before I get the implant. 

            I weighed 89.55 kilos before lunch. March 7 was the last early afternoon when I was so rough on the scale. 

            In the afternoon I headed out for a bike ride but it was raining and so I only went to Brock and Seaforth, then south to Queen and east to Freshco. I bought five bags of grapes, one pack of raspberries, some bananas, a pack of Full City Dark coffee, a container of lemon dish detergent, and a pack of Sponge Towels. I did a price match on the grapes with the food Basics price of $6.58 a kilo.

            I weighed 89.4 kilos at 17:30. The highest in the evening since March 14.

            I was still behind on my journal at suppertime. 

            I had a potato with gravy and the rest of my pork ribs while watching season 3, episode 9 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            A clean shaven, short haired George Carlin does a comedy routine. He says he thinks the Emmy awards are biased towards the big shows and that the small shows should receive consideration. Shows like Sermonette, which he says he watches religiously. He says he likes it because every religion gets a platform, but then he corrects himself and says, “Well, not every religion. When was the last time you saw a good old fashioned human sacrifice? Maybe on Ed Sullivan but not Sermonette”. Another award neglected show is the FBI list of wanted men. If it had a bigger budget they could jazz up the show and maybe win an award. Then he acts out that alternative reality he calls The J. Edgar Hoover Show. With music by The Mothers of Detention. 

            Carol performs a song that an audience member named Sue Vogelsanger gave her three weeks before. It took her some time learn it but they turn it into a big production complete with dancers. The song is from the point of view of a housewife who fantasizes about travelling the world. The set design has large three dimensional letters making up Sue Vogelsanger’s name but rearranged to make different words like “LOVE” during the performance. 

            In the next skit Carol and Lucille Ball are two flight attendants in competition for employee of the month. A Latin man with a beard boards the plane and it is clear to the audience but not to Carol and Lucy that he plans to hijack the plane. In that era there were several hijackings of planes that were forced to fly to Cuba. Lucy picks up that the man is Cuban and he asks how she knows. She says, “If there’s one thing I know it’s a Cuban accent”. That’s a reference to her husband Desi Arnaz. Carol and Lucy fight over making him comfortable to the point of causing him pain. Even after he pulls a gun they fight over who’s going to help him. In a tug of war of the man between Carol and Lucy trying to please him, he is eventually accidentally tossed off the plane to fall to his death. 

            Then Vicki and Lyle come out with guitars and sing “Try a Little Kindness” by Curt Sapaugh and Bobby Austin that was a big hit for Glen Campbell in 1969. Vicki does double duty as she also joins the dancers during the instrumental break but dances out of the circle and must have retrieved her guitar quickly before the last verse. 

            Next Carol is singing in the shower. She starts with a couple of lines of “Singin in the Rain” by Alan Freed and Nacio Herb Brown from 1929. Then she goes into “I Say a Little Prayer” by Burt Bacharach and Hal David from 1966. There are comical moments when water gets in her mouth. Then she wraps herself in a towel and leaves the shower where we see the band still playing as the water falls on them. 

            There is a parody of Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice with Harvey, Carol, Lyle and Lucy all in bed together. But the scenario is different from the movie in which the two couples try and fail to swing. In this case the other couple simply needed a place to stay and the hosts had no extra bedroom. 

            The final sketch begins on Vaudeville in 1919. Harvey plays the announcer Tommy Two Step and he introduces The Rock Sisters, played by Carol and Lucy. They sing and dance a happy song about love and pretend to play several instruments. But they’ve been doing the same act for a long time and they are fired for not changing. Fifty years later a DJ named Big Daddy (played by George Carlin) announces a big rock concert happening tonight and featuring 100 bands. He’s with his dumb assistant Tandalayo (played by Vicki Lawrence). She tells him that the 100th band Stark Naked and the Calcuttas have canceled. He says he promised the kids 100 acts and some of them can count so he needs a new 100th act. He has to leave for rehearsal and so he leaves it up to Tandalayo to look in the files and find another act. When she looks in the file cabinet an old file falls out and the name is The Rock Sisters. She assumes they are a rock band and calls to book them. They haven’t performed in 50 years and they are elderly but they go to the Neptune Theatre, which is where they last performed. Band 99, The Frozen Nostrils is pretending to perform “Commotion” by John Fogerty and the actual music is just the recording by Creedence Clearwater Revival. When the Rock Sisters come out the audience starts laughing. But the guys from the previous band come out to tell the audience to give them a chance. They do their old act while the Nostrils help to keep them from falling over and then join in. They win the audience over. 

            George Carlin was raised by a single mother and spent a lot of time alone listening to the radio while she worked. He started doing impressions of radio personalities. He was expelled from cardinal Hayes High School in the Bronx. He joined the US Air Force as a radar technician and was court martialed three times. He worked as a DJ. He did a morning show with Jack Burns and called themselves The Wright Brothers. He started out as a conventional comedian and had a considerable amount of success at $250,000 a year. . He was part of a comedy duo with Jack Burns from 1960 to 1962. He made his TV debut on The Tonight Show starring Jack Paar. But in the 60s he changed his act and started dealing with more serious contemporary topics. He also began to dress extremely casually on stage and he lost 90% of his income. He was arrested with Lenny Bruce in 1962 because when the cops asked him for identification he told them he didn’t belief in government issued ID card. His “Seven words you can’t say on TV” ("Shit', 'piss', 'fuck', 'cunt', 'cocksucker', 'motherfucker', and 'tits') routine became part of a larger censorship case that went all the way to the Supreme Court in 1978. The court ruled that the routine was indecent but free speech gave him the right to say it. He was one of Johnny Carson’s favourite guest hosts for The Tonight Show. He was the first host on the first episode of Saturday Night Live. He was a regular on the Tony Orlando and Dawn variety show. He made his film debut in With Six You Get Eggroll in 1968. He co-starred in Americathon, Car Wash, Bill and ted’s Excellent Adventure, Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey, Jersey Girl, He played Mr. Conductor on the children’s show Shining Time Station. Later he became more and more critical of conservatism and increasingly more popular with audiences. His sitcom The George Carlin Show lasted two seasons and he said he had a great time and loved the actors but couldn’t wait to get the fuck out. He was fired in Las Vegas for criticizing people who go to Las Vegas. He won five Grammy Awards for comedy albums. He had 14 HBO specials. His autobiography was called Last Words. Comedy Central rated him the second greatest stand up comic of all time. He said it’s the duty of the comedian to find the line and cross it. He said voting gives you the illusion that you have the power of choice but you don’t. The politicians you vote for own you. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. Dishonesty is the second best policy. If teachers could influence sexuality I would have become a nun.

April 17, 1996: I performed at Fat Albert's and the Art Bar reading series

Thirty years ago today

            On Wednesday Brian Haddon and I rehearsed for our upcoming feature performances at Fat Albert’s and the Art Bar reading series. In the evening I performed on the open stages of both places.

Merv Griffin

            On Wednesday morning I revised my translation of the thirteenth verse of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. 

            I memorized the second verse of “Dessous mon pull” (Under My Sweater) by Serge Gainsbourg. There are four more verses to learn and the last three lines of every verse are the same and so I just have to learn four new lines of each verse.

            I weighed 87.45 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since April 2. 

            I played my Kramer electric during song practice and it stayed in tune the whole time. Tomorrow I begin a four session stretch of playing my Martin acoustic. 

            In the early afternoon I did my laundry. I wanted to paint in the bathroom but I was almost out of underwear so it had to be laundry day. 

            I weighed 88 kilos at 16:10. That’s the easiest I’ve been on the scale in the early afternoon since March 28. I had saltines with peanut butter, five-year-old cheddar, baba ghanoush and a glass of iced tea. 

            I took a siesta until 18:10. 

            I went out and bought a six-pack of Creemore but they didn’t have any cases in the cold room so I got a warm one and put a can in the freezer. 

            I weighed 88.25 kilos at 18:35. It’s been a week since it’s been that low. 

            I worked on getting caught up on my journal but I was still behind at the end of the day. 

            I made pizza on a slice of seven grain bread with marinara, tomato pesto, a chopped slice of ham, five-year-old cheddar, and a sunny side up egg. I had it with a glass of Creemore while watching season 3, episode 8 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone asks Carol if it’s true she used to swoon over Merv Griffin. She confirms that she loves Merv, and then Merv comes out. Carol seems surprised but the audience member must have been a plant. It seems he’d just started a new show in LA and Carol was on the first episode. She asks if his crazy wife had come out. He admits his wife is a bit odd. That would be Julanne Wright who was an actor and comedian. They were married from 1958 until 1976. Although he created the show Jeopardy the premise was her idea.

            Carol brings out Andy Griffith and he announces that he’s starting a new show but doesn’t know what kind of show it will be. Since this was 1969 the show would have to be his short lived sitcom Headmaster.

            Griffith tells his version of the Aesop’s fable “The Mouse and the Lion”. A lion let’s a mouse live when he promises to help him out some day. He does help him when he chews him free of a lion net. The moral is that no act of kindness is ever wasted. 

            The VIP interview is with the King Family. The King Family TV show had just been revived. The previous show had been on from 1965 to 1966 and it starred The King Sisters and their family. The King Sisters had been a big band singing group that was popular from the mid 1930s to the mid 1940s. This was a parody of the King Sisters. They were all blonde but one of them was black and another, Becky was played by Harvey Korman in drag. Bonnie says Beckie was adopted after being left on their doorstep in a fruit basket. The black on is Beulah who was forced into the group by the Supreme Court. Bonnie says they treat her just like a sister. Beulah asks why she has to sing in the back row. 

            Carol reads a poem sent to her by an 8 year old named Kelly Wright: 

Pink

Pink is a pony that runs very fast 

Pink is a colour that always will last 

Pink is a castle upon a bright hill 

Pink is a little spot on a bird’s bill 

Pink is a panther I see on TV 

Pink could even be letter C 

Pink is the blanket on my own bed 

Pink is always alive not dead 

Pink was my sweater a long time ago 

Pink is a famous colour you know 

Pink is bologna you wrap in cellophane 

Pink is my very own window pane 

Pink should even take place in the sky 

That’s my story of pink 

Goodbye 

            Carol sings “I Believed it All” by Al Ham, Alan Bergman, and Marilyn Bergman. 

            In the next skit Maggie (Carol) is complaining to Joyce (Vicki) about her husband bringing his work home with him. Joyce leaves and says she and Harry will be over for bridge later. Maggie’s husband Joe (Andy) comes home and opens the door by shooting the lock off the door. He’s a riot cop with a visor helmet. She asks for a kiss but he has to frisk her first and doesn’t lift his visor when he kisses her. He brags about being shown on TV today beating up a long haired and bearded protestor. He clubbed him because he got between him and the television camera. Maggie complains that he never notices her anymore. He argues that he does. She asks how she looks and he says, “Female, Caucasian, 5’7”, 115 lbs, late 30s”. At the mention of her age she punches him in the gut. She says last night he arrested her for going topless in their own bedroom. She starts shouting at him and he asks if she has a permit to make a speech. She starts throwing things at him and he threatens her with mace. She says, “Oink oink!” and locks herself in the bedroom. He tosses a tear gas grenade into the bedroom but she comes out wearing a gas mask. Joyce arrives for bridge but Harry is a fireman and he breaks through the door with an axe. 

            Vicki Lawrence and Don Crichton are dressed as Ruth Buzzi and Arte Johnson’s Laugh-In characters Gladys and Tyrone. Gladys is on a park bench and Tyrone is a dirty old man who Gladys always hits with her purse. In this case they are doing it to the tune of the 1968 hit song “Mah Na Mah Na” by Piero Umiliani. The Muppets and Benny Hill made it an international hit. At the end the real Ruth Buzzi and Arte Johnson come out dressed as Gladys and Tyrone. The two Gladyses escape from the two Tyrones who walk off arm in arm. 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch, Carol’s husband Roger is obsessed with watching football on TV on Sundays. Carol complains that she doesn’t see him all week except for Sundays and then he’s glued to the game. Roger argues that he’s out in the jungle all week trying to make a buck so Carol’s sister can eat her nine meals a day. Carol gives up because she’ll never be able to separate Roger from his game. Then the doorbell rings and it’s their attractive neighbour Cindy. Suddenly Roger turns off the TV and welcomes her. After Cindy leaves, Carol and Chrissie start acting like Cindy as they unplug the TV.

            Andy narrates a fairy tale set in the US south called Cinderellie. It’s basically a hillbilly version of Cinderella except that instead of a prince, the ball is thrown by Mr. Prince, the richest sharecropper in the land. Cinderellie has to stay home and do chores but wishes on a wishbone that she could go to the ball. Her very effeminate fairy godfather Rocky appears (played by Harvie). Rocky is short for Raquel. He sings a song about how much he loves his wand. He tries to make her beautiful but nothing happens. He looks at his wand and blames the Japanese batteries. He turns it up to full power and successfully transforms her. He gives her transportation to the ball in the form of a pair of roller skates. She says she’s gonna have a gay old time. Rocky says if he thought that he’s come along. At the ball the dancers do a kind of comical square-dance called by Andy. Cinderellie arrives and catches his eye. She’s pretty good on roller skates. She sort of dances with Andy but has to leave at midnight, leaving one roller skate behind. Like in the fairy tale Prince goes looking for the foot that fits the footwear and goes to Cinderellie’s stepmother’s house but it doesn’t fit her or her two daughters. Rocky asks if he can try it on but Prince says if it would fit he still couldn’t marry him. Rocky says, “You’re such a square!” As in the story the shoe fits the heroine. Prince tells her she doesn’t look that good in the light of day but he’ll marry her anyway. 

            Merv Griffin started playing piano at age 4. He was a singer on the radio and also wrote songs. His album Songs By Merv Griffin was the first in the US to be recorded on magnetic tapeBy the age of 20 he hosted and sang on his own 15 minute radio show five days a week. He became a big band singer for the Freddy Martin Orchestra. He became famous in 1950 when he had a number 1 hit with “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts”. He subsequently had hits with “Wilhelmina” and “Never Been Kissed”. Doris Day liked his nightclub act and got him signed with Warner Brothers. He co-starred in So This is Love, He hosted the game show Play Your Hunch from 1958 to 1962. He was a regular performer on The Arthur Murray Party and The Tonight Show with Jack Paar. When he guest hosted for Paar the show got very high ratings and so NBC decided to give him his own talk show in 1962. Based in New York, Griffin tended to embrace more controversial subjects than the Tonight Show. In 1965 he was called a traitor after his guest was Bertrand Russell who denounced the Vietnam War. Griffin tried late night but couldn’t compete with Johnny Carson and so he went back to daytime and lasted for 13 years. Arnold Scharzeneggar made his talk show debut on Merv’s show. He created Jeopardy (originally called What’s the Question?) in 1964 and wrote the music for Final Jeopardy. His show Dance Fever lasted from 1979 to 1987. He created Wheel of Fortune in 1983 based on the game hangman. He wrote the theme song. He sold his production company for $250 million in 1986 but still shared in the profits. He was at that time one of the wealthiest entertainers in the world. He still created puzzles and questions for Jeopardy up until he died in 2006. He won 15 Emmys during his career. He bought the Beverly Hilton where the Golden Globe Awards are held. He bought the Hilton Scottsdale Resort in Arizona and St. Clerans Manor in Ireland. he controlled closed circuit coverage of horse racing across the US. His tombstone engraving reads, “I will not be right back after this message”.

April 16, 1996: I hosted my writers open stage

Thirty years ago today

            On Tuesday night as usual I hosted my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage in the Art Bar of the Gladstone Hotel.

Kenny Solms

            On Tuesday morning it was still warm enough for the heat to stay off and for me not to need the humidifiers turned on. It’s forecast to be like this for the rest of the week but then it’ll be colder next week. 

            After yoga I revised my translation of the eleventh and twelfth verses of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. 

            I memorized the chorus of “Dessous mon pull” (Under My Sweater) by Serge Gainsbourg. Now there are five more verses to learn and I should have the whole song in my head sometime next week. 

            I weighed 87.8 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time. 

            Around midday I used the pinkish purple wall paint to straighten out the line between the wall and the trim that I painted blue above the wall tiles, and between the wall and the blue door frame. It’s still not straight but I don’t think I can do it any better. 

            I weighed 88.95 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and on the way back stopped at Freshco to buy grapes with a price match but they were all too soft. So I walked across the street to Metro where they don’t price match but some of the green grapes were firm so I got five bags. 

            I weighed 88.65 kilos at 18:10.

            I was behind on my journal and didn’t get my review of the season finale of Star Trek: Starfleet Academy written until bedtime. 

            Five hours before that I had a potato with gravy and three pork ribs while watching season 3, episode 6 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup Carol answers that she’s originally from San Antonio, Texas. She brings out her guest star Gwen Verdon who was a Broadway star and was asked her favourite Broadway role. She answered Sweet Charity and Redhead. Carol says Gwen is the original Sweet Charity and she saw it on opening night and then wrote her a fan letter. Gwen says that in New York all actors have to be able to act, sing, and move and dance a bit. So they go to improvisational dance classes where they act like inanimate objects with just movement like trees, bears, and fish in order to loosen up inhibitions. She does and angel, then she does a devil, which is the same movement but with her tongue sticking out. She does a movement where she turns and opens her mouth and an audience member immediately guesses a lighthouse. An audience member asks for a piece of bacon and Carol crackles and shrinks. Gwen acts like an automatic washer. 

            The first skit is The Old Folks with Harvey Korman and Carol. It’s mostly silent except for the singing. They are getting ready for bed and he starts singing, “Kiss of Fire” by Lester Allen and Robert Hill that was a hit for Georgia Gibbs in 1952. There’s a big buildup and then when she’s ready for his kiss he falls asleep. 

            Gwen Verdon does a song that starts with her in a crib and wearing a baby doll with her lacy panties very visible. She sings, “Hurry On Down” by Nellie Lutcher from 1947. She does a sexy dance routine with some men dressed as little boys. 

            The other guest star is Pat Boone, who introduces his number by saying young people are often seduced by the glamour of show business but lose touch with the real things in life and then find themselves alone. Then he does a number where he’s dressed as a clown singing about the Molly he’s writing to and saying he’ll come back to but never does and then he’s old. He sings “Molly” by Biff Rose from 1968. 

            Then Pat tells Carol about appearing on the Dean Martin Show and he begins doing an impression of Dean. He tells Carol she looks just like Raquel (Welch) and Carol asks, “Where?” because Raquel Welch was famous for a voluptuous figure that Carol does not have. Pat says he’s not going to answer that after what happened to the Smothers Brothers (they got cancelled because they were outspokenly critical of the Viet Nam war and the conservative mainstream that supported it. The Nixon administration helped to get them cancelled). Carol and Pat sing a song that I can’t identify. They sing in counterpoint and then switch over. 

            Then there are parodies of several commercials. 

            In the first a man and woman are kissing when a boy comes up and says, “Guess what daddy? I only got one cavity!” The father stops kissing and says, “Go tell your mother”. 

            A bunch of construction workers are on a break. Pat Boone’s uniform is super clean and so he is rejected. 

            Then there’s a parody of the old Brylcreem commercial. A couple are kissing on a bench and the guy turns to the camera to say, “I came back!” The camera rolls left to another couple with the same statement. The Harvey Korman as Dracula pops out from the bushes and says, “So did I!”. He blows a kiss to a pretty girl and lips and teeth marks appear on her neck. 

            Then there is a cigarette commercial. A suave looking man played by Lyle Wagonner is smoking a cigarette. The elegant woman with him played by Vicki Lawrence keeps reaching for the pack but he keeps moving it away from her until finally she beats him up and takes the cigarettes. 

            Then a voice interviews Melissa Van Harback. He asks, “You have everything, don’t you?” She says, “I’d like to think so. I have dandruff, excess stomach acidity, briar patch legs, iron poor blood, wobbly dentures, and my girdle is killing me”. The voice asks, “Ever think you might have bad breath?” She says “I have a stuffed up nose”. The voice says goodbye, she waves her hand to wave but looks y her underarm and lowers it. 

            A play called A Tacky Affair starring Jennifer Fontaine and Robert Preston Foster is about to begin. Jennifer is in her dressing room with a cold. The doctor comes in and determines that she has the flu and he wants to give her a flu shot but she gets her curtain call and has to leave. On stage she and Rodney are supposed to kiss but when he gets close she starts sniffling and he can’t bring himself to do it. She goes into her arms and wipes her nose on his sleeve. Meanwhile the doctor is lurking just behind the curtain for Jennifer to come close enough for him to jab her with his needle. He finally does so. Her husband steps in to shoot her and then apologizes. While Robert is mourning her sniffling coughing dead body his wig comes off. 

            There is another episode of As the Stomach Turns. It’s been a quiet day in Canoga falls. There hasn’t been a single tragedy. Marian wonders what’s wrong. Her baby brother Teddy returns after ten years in college. He announces that he’s engaged to be married and goes to take a shower. The doorbell rings and it’s Miss Lilly the town naughty lady. She reveals she’s Teddy’s fiancé. They only met an hour ago. Marian tells Teddy if he marries Lilly his life will be torture. He says, “What’s the difference as long as I’m happy?”. Marian’s daughter arrives to hand her another illegitimate child. The father is at home with his wife. She leaves and Marian puts the baby in the umbrella case. Serge Krupnik, the richest man in Canoga Falls arrives. He’s looking for his long lost sister and it’s Lilly. She’s now worth $10 million and Marian suddenly calls Lilly her sister. Lilly is no longer interested in Teddy. The announcer asks if Marian will now have to become the town naughty lady. 

            The final musical number features Carol, Vicki, and Gwen with very large breasts and behinds under horizontally striped dresses. They sing “The Grass is Greener” by Howlett Smith and Spence Maxwell, as recorded by Nancy Wilson in 1964. 

            One of the writers of The Carol Burnett Show was Kenny Solms, who was part of one of the most successful collaborations in US comedy after he met Gail Parent at New York University and teamed with her to write for the Broadway revue New Faces of 1968 and for Upstairs at the Downstairs. They wrote Our Wedding Album. They wrote the screenplay for Gail’s novel Sheila Levine is Dead and Living in New York. Kenny wrote for The Steve Allen Show. He created and wrote the first four seasons of The Carol Burnett Show. He wrote television specials for Julie Andrews, Ann-Margret, Mary Tyler Moore, Bing Crosby, Dick Van Dyke, Ann Bancroft, He won a Peabody Award for Sills and Burnett at the Met. He wrote and produced The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour. He wrote the book for the musical Lorelei.

April 15, 1996: I supplemented my dwindling income with a return to furniture moving

Thirty years ago today 

            On Monday I probably posed for artists at a school or more than one school or for one or more private art clubs. I think around that time I started supplementing my income by getting back into moving furniture. I returned to working sometimes for Kieth Anderson Moving and Storage.

Sandro Rosta

            On Monday morning I revised my translation of the second chorus and the tenth verse of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. 

            I memorized the first verse of “Dessous mon pull” (Under My Sweater) by Serge Gainsbourg. 

            I weighed 88.25 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since last Monday, but not as heavy.

            I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the last of two sessions and it went out of tune during all but one song. 

            I weighed 89.3 kilos before lunch. That’s the hardest I’ve been on the scale in the early afternoon in a week. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back and it was quite warm for spring. I wore an open button shirt with the sleeves rolled up. 

            I weighed 88.95 kilos at 18:15. April 4 was the last time I was that fat in the evening. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 19:31. 

            I put a microphone close to my right speaker and plugged the mic into my audio interface. I played the cassette tape that I tried to digitize yesterday but that didn’t work with a line-in recording. I turned the volume up to 0, set the gain below clipping and just let the tape record into Audacity. This was a Christian and the Lions concert at The Rivoli. As I recall this was a U of T Bookstore event and we were invited to play after the readings. The first song, which was probably “Megaphor” didn’t get recorded. We did my songs “Hungry Hippunk Goes to Work”, “Calendar Girl”, “Tropic of Ulcer”, “Me and Gravity”, “Sixteen Tons of Dogma”, “Thin Red Line”, “The Next State of Grace”, and “Angeline”. “Angeline” was by itself on the other side of the tape and it was recorded with a much lower volume. Tomorrow I’ll re-record just “Angeline” with the volume higher. 

            I had a potato with gravy and three pork ribs while watching the season finale of Star Trek: Starfleet Academy. 

            Caleb’s wounded mother Anisha has been beamed up to the Athena. When she wakes in sickbay she realizes she’s on a Federation ship and begins to panic. This is made worse when Nahla, the one who took her child away, enters the room. Caleb holds his mother back from attacking her while Nahla tells her they could be attacked by Braka at any time. She says under any other circumstances she’d give her a ship to leave in but right now she needs her help on the bridge. 

            All of Federation space has been surrounded by Omega 47 mines with energy fields thsat overlap each other and so there is no way between them. If one of them were to detonate, 80,000 cubic light years of space would be destroyed and at least 160 billion would die. Braka is trying to organize a coalition in a mutual protection pact against the Federation.

            Suddenly six Vanari Ral vessels come out of warp and attack. The Athena saucer tries to escape. Caleb, Genesis, Kraag, SAM, Darem, and Tamira are hidden in an air lock. Braka and several Vanari Ral warriors beam onto the bridge. He is surprised to see Anisha alive but she faked her death to get away from him after he broke her out of prison. He says he’s going to take Anisha and Nahla with him and then he’ll destroy the ship. Nahla tells the Doctor to “leap clear of all the discorporeal and make yourself greater”. Braka transports away with Nahla and Anisha. Reno asks the Doctor what Nahla meant. He says she was telling him to run training mission Hermes 19. He’s carried it with him for thousand years. Reno places it onto the console and it blends into the system and the Doctor disappears.

            Braka opens fire on Athena and destroys it. The Vanari Ral ships leave and we see that the Athena was not destroyed. The Doctor extended his matrix through the deflector dish to create a hologram of the Athena to serve as a decoy. The Doctor is still inside the main computer. The Doctor reappears and starts speaking gibberish. “Tango parrot shoes through the mango patch”. He tells Reno to use more glue. “There’s glue on the shoe”. He’s taken for a full diagnostic. SAM goes with her father. Kraag is told to serve in sick bay. 

            The rest of the cadets occupy positions on the bridge. Reno says they have to hide Athena while repairing it. She tells Tarima to look for the sub-space frequency Braka is using to control the wall of Omega 47 mines. Once that is found Caleb has to try to calculate a program to shut it down. On Braka’s ship Nahla embraces the reluctant Anisha to whisper that Caleb is alive. 

            Braka puts Nahla on trial and through her symbolically the entire Federation. Several honoured guests from his proposed coalition are there in hologram projections as he broadcasts the trial throughout the quadrant.

            Braka tells the story of growing up on a poor mining colony that was ignored by Starfleet ships that flew over. Braka’s father built a weapon to take down a Starfleet ship but it missed. He says Starfleet responded by decimating their colony with “red hellfire”. Only eight colonists survived. He says the Federation has developed Omega 47 which could make the Burn happen again and he is the only one that can stop it. He tells the people that in the world they build together everyone will have a voice. He sets Anisha up as judge and jury over Nahla. 

            Reno tells the cadets one learns more when things go wrong than when they go right. She takes Caleb with her to fix the warp core and tells Genesis to take the captain’s chair. Genesis sits in it and then says she has to pee. 

            Nahla responds to Braka’s childhood story and states that never in the history of Starfleet have they ever opened fire on civilians. Omega 47 was being developed as a power source and not a weapon. A single particle could provide for an entire planet for a million years. She asks Braka what his colony mined and he answers strontium. She says that Starfleet was occupied with saving people that had nothing and were in crisis. If his colony had strontium they didn’t qualify as being needy. 

            Genesis learns the Doctor is still unstable and SAM is very upset. She goes there and the Doctor says, “The glue is the bond”. Kraag suggests that the Doctor is not speaking nonsense but rather a language that they do not understand. The Doctor nods and says, “Know to cross the rubincon with glue on your shoes. Cam SAM hued shoes. SAM, who used all the glue? Don’t cross the rubincon, the rubinpart. Find the glue on your shoe”. SAM thinks and asks, “You mean Rubin particles?” and he smiles. She remembers that when Starfleet created Omega 47 they used Rubin particles to make it easier to stabilize and added gluons to increase the strength of the molecular bonds. Kraag remembers the gluons hold quarks together and says the Doctor is telling them how to stabilize Omega 47. The Doctor nods with approval and kisses SAM on the forehead. 

            SAM tells Reno that if they reduce the Rubin particles the remaining gluons can stabilize the remaining molecules at the hearts of the Omega 47 mines. They run computer simulations to arrive at the proper reduction to achieve stability. Caleb says if they can transmit an algorithm over Braka’s frequency that adjusts the particles to the required concentration then the mines will be rendered harmless. 

            Tamira isolates the subspace frequency but has only narrowed his location down to one start system. Caleb goes to Tarima and asks her to trust him. They join hands and go to the safe place in her mind. He tells her that he believes she can control her gift without an implant. He asks her to find his mother in his head and then use her powers to locate her because that’s where they’ll find Braka. They return to the bridge and Tarima removes her implant. She finds Anisha and gives the coordinates. She tells Caleb, “I love you too” after reading his thoughts. 

            They’ve repaired the warp drive and head for Braka while SAM works on the algorithm. They tune in on Braka’s broadcast of Nahla’s trial. Anisha declares Nahla guilty. As Braka begins to ask Anisha to pass Nahla’s sentence he is interrupted by someone telling Braka that Caleb Mir is approaching in a shuttle and seeking asylum. 

            Caleb beams aboard and tells Braka he has something to say. Braka says the trial is over. Caleb says, “You made me a part of this and now you want to silence me in front of the entire quadrant?” Braka says, “Well played” and gives in. 

            Caleb reminds his mother that she always told him that the infinity in the stars is the same as the infinity in his heart. He tells her that he never understood that until he joined Starfleet. He knows it’s a betrayal and he’s felt that every day. He’s been searching for her and he’s been searching for home. He’s found both through Starfleet. Braka tells Caleb he’s been brainwashed. 

            Nahla asks Caleb if he studied Exochemistry at the Academy. He confirms he did. She asks him to talk about strontium. He says it’s a cheap fuel source but lethal because when it hits anything volatile it explodes. Nahla says, “Like a buildup of toxic oxides in an atmosphere”. She asks, “What colour does strontium burn?” Anisha answers, “Red”. Nahla reminds everybody that Braka claimed that Starfleet rained red hell fire down on his colony. Caleb says that’s impossible because Starfleet weapon fire for the last few hundred years has been blue or green. Nahla tells Braka that his father built a weapon from strontium and that he fired it at a Starfleet ship but when it missed it ignited in the atmosphere and rained down red hell fire on his own colony. 

            The holograms of Braka’s potential allies begin popping away. Braka pulls out his remote detonator and pushes the button but SAM has just completed the algorithm and the Omega 47 particles have been stabilized. The mine field is neutralized and now several Starfleet ships have Braka’s ship and the Vanari Ral ships surrounded. Braka is taken into custody and both Anisha and Nahla punch him in the face before he is led away. It’s pretty inappropriate and dishonourable to be punching someone whose arms are restrained. If they’d wanted to show them punching him they should have written a fight between them and Braka into the finale. 

            Caleb and his mother are preparing for a summer vacation on Earth but she has accepted that he will be returning to Starfleet in the fall. 

            The season closes with the song “Beautiful Child” by Rufas Wainright. He has a great singing voice but I hate how it sounds. It’s actually kind of lifeless. 

            Caleb was played by British Canadian actor Sandro Rosta in his screen debut. He was born in London but grew up in Toronto. He provided the voice of Punch in the thesis film Snitches Get Stitches at the Creative School of Metropolitan Toronto University. He graduated from the Oxford School of Drama. He made his professional acting debut in “Harmony Test” at the Hampstead Theatre in 2024. He was cast in Starfleet Academy two weeks before shooting began and chosen from 400 candidates after all the other cadet roles had already been cast.