Anne Jeffreys

            On Wednesday morning on my Christian’s Translations blog I adjusted the chords for all but the final verse of “J’suis snob” by Boris Vian.

            I translated all but the last verse of “Banana Boat” by Serge Gainsbourg. I had to cut the translation work short because at 8:00 I had to shave and shower to get ready for my annual physical. I figure if you have a date with someone who’s going to stick their fingers up your butt, you might as well clean yourself up first.

            I rode to Bloor and Bathurst in easy gears without hurrying and it still only took me twenty minutes. The receptionist recognized me and told me I was already signed in. I sat down in the waiting area and did a French grammar exercise. I was about to read a little more of “Death of Judas” by Paul Claudel but the nurse called my name. That was quick! I usually have to wait longer but the appointment was pretty much on time.

            The first thing the nurse always does when I come for a physical is to check my weight. I was interested to compare my digital scale to theirs and so before I left my place I’d weighed myself in just my underwear. I was 89.2 kilos. In my jeans, undershirt and socks at the doctor’s office I was 90.5 kilos. Later I weighed my jeans, my undershirt and my socks and they surprisingly add 00.9 kilos, so if their scale is accurate then mine might only be off by 00.4 kilos. But I would have to have the two scales side by side to be sure because I find my weight can mysteriously change by a kilo within hours. Last year I was 95.3 kilos, so it looks like I’ve done something right. But if I’m 90 kilos on average right now, even though it’s just inside of the top of my body mass index I still think I could stand to lose a bit more because I feel a little flabby.

            She took my blood pressure and I was 108 over 76, which is healthy.  It was 120 over 70 last year, which was still okay.

            Dr. Shechtman did the usual checks of looking into my ears, listening to my chest and feeling my prostate. All of that was fine. I told him that my hip was still bothering me, so he gave me a form to take to the x-ray place along with the form for my blood and urine work. We discussed me getting a colonoscopy, since it’s been ten years since my last one. He offered me a new alternative test that he said is less invasive than a colonoscopy but not quite as accurate. I’m assuming he was talking about the cologuard test, which is a stool DNA test. I asked him what he would do and he says he would take the home test because he doesn’t like having colonoscopies. He said there is a small degree of risk of rupturing with colonoscopies and of course one has to be doped up to do it. I agreed to try the stool test and so he ordered for one to be sent to me.

            I went down the street to get my x-ray and blood work done. I didn’t have long to wait for the x-ray. My technician was Holly and she gave me a paper gown to put on. I said I’d thought x-rays could see though clothing but she said they couldn’t see through metal buckles, snaps and zippers. After the hip x-rays I went down the hall to the place that takes the blood and urine. The wait was longer there.

            There was a talkative woman from the West Indies. She was just finishing a conversation when she sat down and said, “I never committed a crime in my life!” I said, “It’s about time to start.” She said, “It’s too late!” She told me she was 72 and I commented that she didn’t look it. The receptionist said she’ll be retiring next year and she’ll spend part of every year after that back in the Philippines. She said she’s hoping that her son will give her a grandchild for a retirement present, but at least she has a grand-dog. An elderly man sat down and took off his straw panama hat. The woman told him he looked like a cowboy. He told us that she and I don’t have to worry but when one is bald like him the worst place to get sunburn is on top of the head.

            The technician took two vials of blood and I gave them a generous portion of pee before leaving.

            I rode to Spadina, went south to Queen and then home.

            I’d been fasting since the night before because it was required prior to the blood work and so I had a late breakfast when I got home. I had a slice of toasted raisin-cranberry bread and a bowl of spoon size shredded wheat.

            For lunch I had corn crackers with cheese whiz.

            I did some exercises in the afternoon and worked on my journal.

            I had a fried egg and a toasted cheese bagel for dinner with a beer while watching Wagon Train.

            In this story an attractive and strong willed young woman named Julie is travelling on the wagon train with her father to join her two brothers in California when her father dies of “the fever”. The Major tells her she’s going to need a driver for her wagon now but she argues that she’s been driving teams of horses since she was a small child. The Major counters that a driver also needs to know how to do all of the wagon repairs and so she gives in. The Major has another motive in finding Julie a driver, as he’s trying to play Cupid. The first man to try taking the reins of Julie’s team is Jess, but when he gets fresh with her she knocks him off the wagon and takes a bullwhip to him. The next man is Buck, who is the opposite of Jess. Buck is so flustered and shy around Julie that he forgets to do the wagon maintenance she’s asked for and so she fires him. Then the Major gets the reluctant Tobe Cannon to take the job. The first thing Julie does is throw a bucket of water on him. Tobe takes her firmly but gently in hand and she begins to cry in his arms over her father. Over the next few days Julie nags and bosses Tobe like crazy but he takes it in stride and it looks like she’s warming up to him when suddenly he catches the fever. With no one else besides her and the Major willing to look after Tobe the women of the train think it improper that Julie is spending nights alone with Tobe and nursing him. Tobe is not conscious and so to appease the women and to keep her brothers from killing Tobe once they get to California Julie asks the Major to “half-marry” she and Tobe. Apparently a wagon master had the same powers as the captain of a ship and could legally perform marriages. Half marriage means that Julie is promised to Tobe but not vice versa. When Tobe recovers he’s uncomfortable with this half marriage thing but after Julie almost gets killed in an avalanche he realizes he wants to fully marry hr and they do.

            The Major has been in crutches for this episode because the actor Ward Bond had been in a recent car accident.

            Julie was played by Anne Jeffreys, who started voice training and modelling at an early age. She played Tess Trueheart in the Dick Tracy series while at the same time performing as an opera singer. She was married to Robert Sterling, who played Tobe in this Wagon Train story. In addition to acting together they had a successful club act and a sitcom called “Topper” in which they both played ghosts. Thy were married for 55 years. She was David Hasselhoff’s mother on Baywatch and was also a regular on Falcon Crest. She was the last person to dance with Fred Astaire on screen.

            Late that night there was a commotion outside. A woman was screaming angrily and others were shouting. I looked out my window and saw that the screaming woman was one that I’ve often seen hanging out drinking and shouting around the donut shop. My neighbour Benji has said that she’s known to be a thief. She was being dragged to the corner under my window by a man in white sock feet and a taller woman. There was talk of her having stolen things from the man, including his computer. At the corner she collapses on the sidewalk and began crawling out into the middle of the street, stopping traffic. They were trying to tell her to stop blocking traffic while at the same time shouting for anyone with a phone to call the cops. I assume she crawled into the street because she was afraid of being beaten up and if she stopped traffic she would have witnesses. The man shouted that she was going to be spending the night in jail and that he was going to charge her for years of assault, so maybe he was her boyfriend. Frankly I’d always taken her for a lesbian. The man only kicked her once with his sock foot while she was lying there refusing to move. Finally an ambulance stopped and the paramedic coaxed her to sit up and go back to the sidewalk while at the same time radioing for the cops. I finished what I was doing on the computer and got ready for bed. I don’t know if the woman was arrested or not.