Buck Kartalian

            On Wednesday morning I had a bit of a hangover. The night before that I only had four beers but that chocolate stout was fourth and little too much. It had a chocolate foretaste but the aftertaste was still stout and I don’t think I like stout. 

            I memorized the fourth verse of “Rue Traversière” (Traversière Street) by Boris Vian. I memorized the sixth verse of “Ardoise” (Shingles) by Serge Gainsbourg. There is only one verse left to nail down so I’ll probably have it done tomorrow. 

            I weighed 86.45 kilos before breakfast. 

            I was still a day behind on my journal and tried to get caught up before lunch but I kept dozing off. 

            I weighed 87.3 kilos before lunch. I had rice crackers with five-year-old cheddar and a glass of low sugar iced tea. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 86.3 kilos at 18:30. 

            I worked on getting caught up on my journal before supper. 

            I reheated the rest of the meat lasagna and had it with a beer while watching season 2, episodes 3 and 4 of Batman. 

            In episode 3, a cat burglar climbs into an office and steals a catalogue then he attaches a parachute to it and drops it out the window to be caught by Catwoman. Later from the nautical society a model of a catamaran is parachuted into her clutches. Then from an apartment high rise three little mittens fall from the apartment of Andrew S. Kitten. Commissioner Gordon concludes that all of these thefts must be the work of Catwoman. He calls Batman to tell him Catwoman is alive. The last time we saw her she fell down a bottomless pit. Batman contacts Jack O’Shea, who writes the most widely read gossip column in the country. He asks him to place an item in his column about a rare species of canary that’s being exhibited on the 12th floor of the Gotham Natural History Museum. But it turns out that O’Shea is in league with Catwoman and calls to warn her. Meanwhile Catwoman is with her gang of elite cat burglars. Twelve men applied for the job but the others were arrested. The ones left over proved themselves by escaping capture. She is running a school to upgrade their skills and now gives them a lesson in window jimmying. Batman and Robin go to the natural history museum to ambush Catwoman. One of Catwoman’s burglars arrives but while the heroes are confronting him Catwoman and the others sneak up behind them. She relaxes and watches while her men fight Batman and Robin. Once her men lose the fight she pulls out her golden cat dart guns with darts dipped in catatonic. Batman and Robin are put to sleep and Catwoman plans to throw them out the twelfth floor window. But Batman has prepared for this and set up a net below the window to break their fall. The next day the police have in their custody one of Catwoman’s burglar’s. He says he’ll never talk but Chief O’Hara raises his hand to slap him and he says he’ll talk. All he knows is that her big crime is planned for that night. Meanwhile Aunt Harriet is dancing to the latest craze, the Catusi, by Benedict Arnold and the Traitors. One makes a lot of clawing movements with one’s hands while dancing. She tells Bruce and Dick that it started at a new restaurant called the Pink Sandbox. That night Batman and Robin go to the Pink Sandbox and sit at a booth while everyone is dancing the Catusi. They think that Catwoman is using the restaurant as a cover-up. Suddenly their booth spins into the wall and they are tossed into a metal cell. Catwoman appears above them behind a round, shatterproof window. She tells Batman if they weren’t on opposite sides she could go for him in a small way. She says, “The Joker called for a date last Monday. He’s fairly attractive but I can’t stand his green hair. And the Penguin’s too small for me.” Batman tells her that her problem is she’s been running around with a bad crowd”. Catwoman says, “Enough of this moralizing. Nobody likes a preaching crime fighter!” Ain’t that the truth? She stretches out in a sultry way and then tells Charlie to switch it on. The floor of Batman and Robin’s cell becomes red hot and so they begin dancing. Batman tries to drill a hole in an overhead water pipe but it contains liquid catatonia and they collapse. For some off reason she has them moved from that deathtrap to another. They are now on a rooftop, each tied to a grill that has been greased with margarine. Robin says, “Holy Oleo!” and Catwoman responds, “I didn’t know you could yodel”. I’ve always remembered that line. A magnifying glass is positioned over each grill to concentrate the sunlight. She says she has to leave for her assault on Mount Gotham. Batman and Robin are about to get fried and that’s the cliffhanger. 

            In episode 4, Batman and Robin are about to be fried by the sun but as was mentioned in the previous episode, today there will be a total eclipse of the sun over Gotham. During the half minute of darkness, Batman tells Robin to move his magnifying glass exactly 14 degrees to his left. He says he’s calculated the azimuthal equidistant projection of the sun’s rays. They move the magnifying glasses each with their tied together feet and when the sun returns the beam burns the ropes on their left wrists. With left hands free they untie their right hands and then their feet. Robin admits he was scared but Batman says he had no fear whatsoever. Batman believes they always escape their enemies because their hearts are pure. That’s fucked up. That implies that the millions of people who have been victimized and slaughtered throughout history met their doom because they weren’t pure of heart. Back at the Batcave they speculate on what Catwoman meant by an assault on Mount Gotham since there is no mountain named Gotham. They conclude she means the highest building in Gotham, the Gotham State Building. They head for that location. They ask the director of the building if any special events are taking place. He says Zubin Zucchini has rented the penthouse for a party. Next we see Zubin being taken from his home to the Gotham State Building in an armoured car carrying two Stradivarius violins. Catwoman knocks on the door of Miss Minerva Matthews the wealthy recluse. She is an elderly woman with uncombed hair under a floral hat and wearing thick glasses. Catwoman puts her to sleep and then assumes her identity. Then an armoured car comes to pick her up as well. The driver also is transporting half a million from Minerva’s Christmas Club account. The driver’s name is Ralph Staphylococcus. He says his friend calls him Ralph. She tips Ralph $1000 when he drops her off at the Gotham State Building. After the disguised Catwoman reaches the penthouse she shuts off the elevator. Two of her men are waiting and she sends them out on the ledge of the 102nd floor. Batman arrives and tells Commissioner Gordon that Catwoman is there to steal two Stradivarius violins valued at half a million. Since the elevator is out of order Batman attaches rockets to the bottom to propel him to the top floor. Meanwhile Catwoman gets the violins and pays Zubin the money but he complains that she’s $1000 short. She changes back to Catwoman and tells him to give back the cash. Zubin reveals he’s really Robin in disguise. But her men grab Robin from behind. Jack O’Shea is also there and wheels out their getaway rocket with bicycle handlebars. Catwoman straddles the vehicle to prepare top escape. They are about to toss Robin out the window when Batman arrives. Catwoman tries to start the rocket but it won’t go. The big final fight occurs with the written sound effects while a frustrated Catwoman continues to try to get the rocket started. Finally she just grabs the money and the violins and goes out onto the ledge. She doesn’t seem to have very good balance for a Catwoman. Batman convinces her to catch his bat rope. Robin says she can drop the violins because they are fakes and someone will pick up the money, so she does so. But then she slips and she’s hanging on by the rope. Batman starts to pull her up but Jack pushes him. Batman is now beside Catwoman as they hang onto the rope together. She asks if he’s spoken for. He says he’s not. At police headquarters after the trial and after Batman testified against her Catwoman says goodbye to him. Batman says “There will always be someone waiting for one as beauteous as you”. She rubs her cheek against his and says “Meow” and is led away while Batman is blushing. 

            Catwoman’s burglar John was played by Buck Kartalian, whose first job in entertainment was as a professional wrestler named The Hell’s Kitchen Roughneck. This led to several roles on Broadway even though he never took a single acting class. Between 1953 and his retirement in 2006 he appeared in over 70 films and TV shows. His TV debut was in Robert Montgomery Presents in 1953. His film debut was in Cell 2455 Death Row in 1955. He played Julius in Planet of the Apes and Frank in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. He co-starred as Bruce W. Wolf on the Saturday morning adventure show Monster Squad.