Dennis Marks

            I revised my translation of the eighth verse of “Allons z'enfants” (Be All You Can Be) by Boris Vian. I finished memorizing “Flagrant délire” (Flagrant Delerium) by Serge Gainsbourg. I searched for the chords but all that was posted was the tablature without the lyrics or the named chords. I worked them out for the intro and the first chord of the vocal. I played my Kramer electric guitar during song practice and it was a pretty good session. I put a recharged battery into my Boss FS-6 foot switch. I figured out a way to play “Like a Boomerang” with a firmer E flat chord. The song jumps from C to E flat but I’d been using a non-barred C chord, which is way down the neck and jumping from there to the high part with a barred E on the 11th fret but that doesn’t hold as well. But I realized I can play a C with a barred E chord on the 8th fret and then move up to form the E flat more easily. I weighed 88 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since October 30. I weighed 88.35 kilos before lunch. That’s the highest it’s been since October 13. In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and stopped at Bloor and Avenue Road to turn on my back flasher but it didn’t work. I took it apart to see if it wasn’t connecting somewhere and I could make it flash when it was stripped down but couldn’t make it hold. That’s frustrating because it was fresh and worked yesterday. It started raining so I turned around and headed home. Between Spadina and Bathurst on Bloor there was an ice cold rain storm and I got soaked. It’s worse riding after dark in the rain because the lights shining off the puddles are disorienting and one doesn’t know where the bumps are underneath. The storm subsided when I went south on Bathurst but it was still raining until Queen. When I got back to Parkdale I went straight to Metro Cycle to buy a new flasher. The owner talked me into buying a set of USB rechargeable Evo Nightbright flashers for $90. When I got home I tried putting them on but I couldn’t get the red one to flash. It said on the package to double click but that didn’t work and the rubber button came off. I took it back to Metro and both the owner and his repairman had no problem double clicking to make it work. I finally figured out that it was a matter of double clicking more quickly. The owner told me I’m the first person he’s seen whose had a problem and I asked if he wanted my autograph. I weighed 87.8 kilos at 18:30. I was caught up on my journal at 19:30. I reviewed the videos of my song practice performances of “Vomit of the Star Eater” from September 10 to 13. From September 10 to 12 I played it on my Martin acoustic guitar. On September 10 the take at 12:15 was okay for a while but I fumbled during the second and third verses. On September 11 the take at 16:30 was okay though I fumbled slightly in a couple of places. On September 12 the take at 12:45 was okay. On September 13 I played it on my Gibson electric guitar and the take at 23:00 was okay. I only had about ten minutes before supper to practice playing “Paranoiac Utopia” and so I wasn’t able to conquer the chorus. I grilled ten chicken drumsticks and had two with a potato and gravy while watching episodes 19 and 20 of The Beatles cartoon series. In story 1 of episode 19, George is on a beach in Hawaii and is feeling intimidated by all of the muscle men walking by. He tries to tear out the coupon for a body building course from a magazine but doesn’t have the strength. A muscleman knocks him over so George catches the jock’s foot between the strings of his guitar. The jock challenges him to a surf battle in one week. One of the beach girls tells George the man is Surf Wolf, the toughest surfboard fighter in Hawaii. She gives George surfing lessons. During the contest Surf Wolf puts shark food on George’s board and so it gets partially eaten. George throws instant starch at Surf Wolf and so he becomes paralyzed and George wins. The first singalong is to “Please Mr. Postman” originally a hit for The Marvelettes. The second singalong is to “I Saw Her Standing There”, which was written by both John and Paul but conceived by Paul and was the opening track on their debut album. It was sung by Paul with vocal harmonies by John. In story 2 the Beatles are on a beach in California where a Mr. Hollywood contest is being held. A lot of musclemen with novelty talents are competing and so the Beatles perform “Boys” by Luther Dixon and Wes Ferrell, which was a hit for The Shirelles in 1960. The Beatles version was sung by Ringo quite impressively with all three other Beatles singing backup. It was his first recording as a lead vocalist. In the early live performances their previous drummer, Pete Best sang the song. But Ringo also previously sang the song when he was the drummer for Rory Storm and the Hurricanes. George wins the Mr. Hollywood contest. In story 1 of episode 20, The Beatles are in Switzerland ice skating outdoors. John and Paul are experts while George and Ringo are holding onto each other to keep from falling down. As a joke John and Paul enter George in an ice race contest and he is partnered with a plus size Swiss girl named Lizzy in an ice boat sailing race while the song “Dizzy Miss Lizzy” is being played with John on lead vocal. It was written and recorded by Larry Williams in 1958. George and Lizzie accidentally win the race after much slapstick fumbling on George’s part. The first singalong is to “Ticket to Ride”, which was written mostly by John. John said that a ticket to ride represented the card that Hamburg sex workers received to show they were free of STDs. The song was the Beatles first break from conventional rock and roll. The second singalong is to “From Me to You”, which was written by both John and Paul. In story 2 of episode 20, The Beatles are in Madrid. They go into a club where two flamenco dancers Rosita and Jose are performing. John has sore feet from walking and takes off his boot but doesn’t realize someone has accidentally flicked cigar ash into it. When he puts it back on he begins to jump around so quickly that it looks like a very impressive flamenco dance and so the audience is clapping. The female dancer falls for him and so the male dancer challenges John to a duel with swords. Paul tries to save John during the duel by singing “I Saw Her Standing There”. Somehow John is a better fencer and wins, then he puts a bull’s head on the dancer and acting like a matador beats him as well. But then Rosita punches John for beating her poor Jose. They all part as friends but then Rosita screams because she sees a cockroach. Paul jumps on it several times and it looks like flamenco dancing and so Rosita is in love with him and Jose wants to duel with Paul. Dennis Marks was an uncredited co-writer on both of these episodes and in fact on all 39 episodes of the series. He started in a song writing team with Alan Friedman and their first song appeared in the off Broadway review Fallout. He was hired by King Features Syndicate to turn comic strips into short animated film scripts, starting with Barney Google and then Beetle Bailey. He was hired as a writer for The Jackie Gleason Show. His first TV screenplay was for Pippi Longstocking in 1958. He then got the job of writing screenplays for The Beatles cartoon series. He wrote for the Batman-Superman Hour and the Aquaman animated series. He wrote half of the 100 Batfink screenplays. He moved to LA and wrote for Josie and the Pussycats among other shows. He wrote for the 1981 Spiderman animated series, Spiderman and his Amazing Friends, and The Incredible Hulk. He also did voices, including The Green Goblin. He wrote for the Transformers. He wrote the script for The Jetsons movie and Tom and Jerry the movie.

November 12, 1994: I found $466.84 in my account and didn't know where it came from

Thirty years ago today 

            On Saturday after I got up at 11:00 I called Nancy. She said she’d phone me from the Convention Centre. I worked on updating my progressed astrological charts. She called me at around 15:15 and I headed down there. On the way I went to the bank and found $466.84 in my account. I wondered what it was all about as I deposited the $40. I met Nancy to pick up our daughter. At first she didn’t want to come with me but eventually warmed up to it and we went for chocolate. Then we stopped at Loblaws for eggs followed by Taco Bell and then home where she played until she fell asleep at 23:30.

Ron Campbell

            On Sunday morning when I got up my new humidifier was dry but couldn’t have been for long because the humidity was over 60. I have to remember to put water in it before bedtime. 

            I revised my translation of the seventh verse of “Allons z'enfants” (Be All You Can Be) by Boris Vian, and that’s half the song. 

            I memorized the third verse of “Flagrant délire” (Flagrant Delirium) by Serge Gainsbourg. The rest of the song is just repetition of the second and third verse and then the third is repeated by the chorus but slightly differently and so I have to figure out the sequence. I might have the whole song nailed down on Monday. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio electric guitar during song practice. It went out of tune about three times and it sounds a bit rattly because the action is too low. I’m reluctant to take it to be adjusted right now. Maybe before Christmas. Tomorrow I’ll play my Kramer. 

            I weighed 87.45 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since October 31. 

            I sanded a bit more of the kitchen side of the bathroom door frame. 

            I weighed 88.2 kilos before lunch. That’s the highest it’s been in the early afternoon since October 13. 

            I took a siesta and slept half an hour longer than usual so I didn’t leave for my bike ride until 17:00 and sunset, plus it was raining a bit and so it was extra dark. It wasn’t coming down very hard but I would have gotten wet if I went all the way downtown and so I only rode as far as Bloor and Ossington. 

            I weighed 88.05 kilos at 17:45. 

            I was caught up on my journal at 19:15. 

            I reviewed the song practice videos of my performances of “Vomit of the Star Eater” from September 6 to 9. On September 6 and 9 I played it on my Martin Road Series acoustic guitar. On September 6 the take at 11:45 was the best one so far but there was traffic noise. On September 9 the take at 10:45 was okay. On September 7 and 8 I played it on my Gibson Les Paul Studio electric guitar. On September 7 the take starting at 22:30 was okay until I started fumbling on the third verse. On September 8 the take at 22:00 didn’t sound horrible but I fumbled once and the action was low so the guitar sounded rattly.

            I spent about fifteen minutes working on re-learning to play “Paranoiac Utopia”. I didn’t do too badly on the first and second verses but I’m still screwing up the chord sequence for the chorus.

            I made pizza on multigrain sandwich bread with a sliced ground beef burger and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a beer while watching episodes 17 and 18 of The Beatles cartoon series. 

            In story 1 of episode 17, the Beatles are travelling off the coast of Japan in an old junk which John and Paul are rowing. They come ashore to rest when John and Paul see a beautiful ship piloted by a lovely woman. They are enchanted and run to it but an ancient looking man stops them and warns them not to go aboard the ghost ship Ah Na or they will sail permanently into the enchanted lagoon. John comes to his senses but Paul goes to the ship anyway and into Ah Na’s arms. As the ship heads for the enchanted lagoon the song “Anna” is playing. The other Beatles pursue the boat to rescue him while Paul is intoxicated by love. The Beatles climb aboard and Ah Nah summons her warriors but they run away from Ringo saying he’s one wild drummer. They rescue Paul and take him back to the hotel but when he enters the elevator the door closes and he is alone with Ah Nah. 

            The first singalong is to “Matchbox”, which was written by Carl Perkins but lyrically derived from Blind Lemon Jefferson’s “Matchbox Blues”. The second singalong is to “Thank You Girl” which was written by John and Paul. 

            In story 2 of episode 17, John is showing the other Beatles paintings in a museum in New York but they are bored. They sneak off to look for a party in Greenwich Village and a party finds them. It’s full of Beatniks painting, writing poetry and playing bongos and waiters on skateboards. John comes looking for them and when they see him coming they disguise themselves as Beatniks and play “I Don’t Want to Spoil the Party”, which was written by John. When John finds the others he announces he’s quitting the band to become a Beatnik. 

            In story 1 of episode 18, the Beatles are travelling in Hawaii when John introduces the others to a box that expands into a trailer that they can live in while travelling instead of hotel rooms. Everything is automatic and the kitchen pops out at the touch of a button as do the beds. Their garbage disposal is a goat. As they are travelling they find the villagers evacuating because of an active volcano. The native drummers are playing to make the volcano spirits happy so it won’t erupt. Ringo is inside the trailer and starts playing his drums to help them but ends up hitting a switch that unhitches the trailer and he goes rolling down the mountain to the tune of “Matchbox”. When it approaches a tunnel Ringo accidentally hits another switch that collapses the trailer. It rolls up the side of the volcano and then expands over the mouth to block any lava flow. The natives now think the Beatles are the volcano spirits and bring them food to their trailer. But then the volcano erupts and the trailer launches into the sky and far away with them in it. 

            The first singalong is to “I Don’t Want to Spoil the Party”. The second singalong is to “Help”, which was written by John with some help from Paul.

            In story 2 of episode 18 The Beatles are in France and their manager tells them they’re getting fat from all the French food they’ve been eating and so now have to be locked in their hotel room. John calls the fire department and when they bring a ladder to their window they escape. They have no money for food so they enrol in a cooking school so they can get free meals. Armand the director is out and so when the Beatles arrive they serenade the straight laced secretary Margarite with the song “Thank You Girl” and she takes off her glasses and lets her hair down to begin dancing. They also clean up the school and when Armand returns he’s impressed by the Beatles and by the new Margarite.

            Both episodes and many others of The Beatles cartoon series were co-directed by Ron Campbell, who in 1958 started animating Australian TV commercials. Because of the success of The Beatles series he went on to direct The Smurfs, The Jetsons, The Flintstones, Scooby Doo, The Big Blue Marble, Sesame Street, Darkwing Duck, and Rugrats to name a few. He and his colleague Duane Crowther animated about twelve minutes of Yellow Submarine. When he retired he became a pop artist and made paintings along the themes of some of his more famous animations.

November 11, 1994: I had phone sex with Maria and came on my chin

Thirty years ago today 

            On Friday I was awakened by a phone call from Mistress Maria and we talked until noon. We had phone sex and I came on my chin. I went to the food bank and then came home and cleaned up. Adina came over in the evening and we had a pleasant night. I told her my sexual history and said that I’d been with thirty three women but later I remembered it was actually thirty four and maybe thirty five. I told her about my dom-sub relationship with Anna. She asked if it would be alright if she had a relationship with a woman while involved with me. She stayed until 1:00 on Saturday.

Bob Godfrey

            On Saturday morning I revised my translation of verses five and six of “Allons z'enfants” (Be All You Can Be) by Boris Vian. 

            I memorized the second verse of “Flagrant délire” (Flagrant Delirium) by Serge Gainsbourg and revised my translation of the second and third verses. 

            My Noma warm mist humidifier is malfunctioning. I keep getting an error message and it shuts off. I have to unplug it for a while so it will restart but the error message appears more and more frequently. I just bought it 13 days ago. I’m going to have to return it today and hopefully exchange it for the Honeywell warm mist humidifier that Canadian Tire also sells. It gets better reviews. 

            I weighed 87.1 kilos before breakfast. 

            Around midday I emptied my Noma humidifier, put it back in its packaging, found the receipt, and headed down to the local Canadian Tire. I didn’t realize until I entered the store that customer service is outside the store and so I had to wind through the cashier line to get back out again. There’s always a lineup at customer service. The clerk didn’t question the problem beyond me telling her the humidifier is malfunctioning. I told her I wanted to exchange it for the Honeywell warm mist humidifier and she said okay. So I went back in the store and got it, then wove back through the cashier line and told them I was leaving the store to go to customer service. I wonder if someone could get away with stealing things that way. The lineup was bigger this time for customer service but the Honeywell was on sale and so I got $70 credited to my bank account on the exchange. I took it home and set it up right away because the humidity had already dropped below 40, which is the limit for guitar safety. 

            I headed out to No Frills where I only found one bag of red and one bag of green relatively firm grapes. I also got two packs of raspberries, bananas, two mangoes, pea meal bacon, a big pack of Irish Spring soap, spoon size shredded wheat, pasta sauce that I use for pizza (there seems to be a shortage of Basilica sauce lately so I got a PC brand with Italian sausage), Swiss cheese crackers, a jug of low sugar iced tea, two containers of PC skyr, a bag of regular Miss Vickie’s chips and another of the sweet chili kind. I said I wanted to do a price match on the green grapes but Hanan matched both the red and green with the Metro green grapes price. 

            I weighed 87.25 kilos at 15:00. For lunch I had Breton crackers with five-year-old cheddar and a glass of low sugar iced tea. 

            I took a siesta at 15:30 and got up at 17:00. I felt it was too late for a bike ride. 

            I weighed 88.35 kilos at 17:00, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the evening since September 23. But then I weighed myself again right away twice and it was 87.5 kilos and that’s normal for lately.

            I turned the new humidifier off when the level got to 55. I’ll turn it back on at 50. So far it’s working fine. The Noma one had a fancy digital reading that told you the percentage of water in the tank, but this one simply is open enough at the top so one can see how much water is there. The more bells and whistles the more things can go wrong. 

            I was caught up on my journal at 18:30. 

            I reviewed the song practice videos of my performances of “Vomit of the Star Eater” from September 2 to 5. On September 2 and 4 I played it on my Gibson Les Paul Studio electric guitar. On September 2 the take at 6:45 had a lot of stops and starts but the Gibson didn’t sound too bad. On September 4 during the take at 11:45 I fumbled the second verse and didn’t retake but the video looked good. On September 3 and 5 I played it on my Martin Road Series acoustic guitar. On September 3 the 6:30 take wasn’t going too bad but I fumbled near the end. On September 5 the take at 10:00 fumbled in the third verse but was the best so far in this project. 

            I spent about an hour working on re-learning to play “Paranoiac Utopia”. I still can’t play it all the way through without checking on the chord sequence but I’m getting closer. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with Basilica sauce, a sliced ground beef burger and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a beer while watching episodes 15 and 16 of The Beatles cartoon series. 

            In story 1 of video 15 The Beatles are in an airplane and John is reaching out the window to slice a salami with the propeller as the slices are flying in through another window onto a sandwich that George is making. Suddenly the engine conks out and they have to parachute down into a Roman street fair. Bonnie the Dancing Bear becomes enamoured with Paul and won’t stop dancing with him. The Beatles play “I’m so Happy Just to Dance with You”. 

            The first singalong is to “Don’t Bother Me”. When George sings, “I know she’ll always be the only girl for me” he holds up a picture of Brigitte Bardot. The second singalong is to “Can’t Buy Me Love”, which was written and sung by Paul. 

            In story 2 of video 15, the Beatles are on a ship on its way to Hawaii when they are again chased by screaming girls. They meet up with a stowaway named Professor Ludwig Von Brilliant who is being chased by the crew. They all hide in the lifeboat where Ludwig has been living during the cruise. Ringo accidentally releases the lifeboat but since it’s covered by a canvas they don’t realize they’ve been separated from the ship until they’ve been adrift for three days. The professor has been planning to watch the eclipse on the island of Moony and by coincidence that’s where they’ve drifted. At first the natives are unfriendly but then the eclipse begins and Paul tells them the Beatles will bring the Moon back. They sing “Mister Moonlight”, by Roy Lee Johnson. It was originally recorded by Dr. Feelgood and the Interns in 1962. On the Beatles version John sings lead while Paul and George sing backing vocals. The Beatles and the professor leave the island on a submarine that somehow is there. 

            Episode 15 was directed by Bob Godfrey, who directed the cartoon series Roobarb, He produced Noah and Kelly in Skylark. He also directed Great (about Isambard Kingdom Brunel, and which became the first British film to win the Academy Award for animated short film), Kama Sutra Rides Again (which was personally selected by Stanley Kubrick to be the cartoon short to be shown before screenings of A Clockwork Orange) and Dream Doll. He was the director and the star of Henry’s Cat. He animated Alf, Bill and Fred. His voice became well known for his Esso Blue commercials that were produced by his company. He was awarded the Member of the Order of the British Empire. He said the great animators are the ones who don’t listen to you. 

            In story 1 of video 16, the Beatles are on a tropical holiday when a tribal native approaches John to give him a ring that is a gift from the tribal chief as an offer of friendship. He accepts the ring but later he learns that in doing so he has committed himself to marrying the chief’s daughter. He says he hasn’t agreed to marry anyone but they grab him and insist. A monkey above them cracks two coconuts on their heads. John escapes by hiding in the back of a pineapple truck while “Can’t Buy Me Love” begins. John ends up being loaded into a pineapple canning factory and finally sealed into a can. Meanwhile the chief’s daughter is waiting for her bridegroom. The first can of pineapple from the new factory is brought as a wedding gift. The chief’s daughter says in a Brooklyn accent, “But I hate pineapples!” The can is opened and John emerges. The bride runs to him but then she sniffs and says she can’t marry him because he smells of pineapple and she hates pineapple. Later John gives the ring to Ringo, who doesn’t know that means he’s engaged to the chief’s daughter. 

            The first singalong is to “Anna”, which was written by Arthur Alexander, who was a big influence on both the Beatles and The Rolling Stones (He also wrote “You Better Move On”). The second singalong was to “Mister Moonlight”. 

            In story 2 of video 16 the Beatles are driving in Japan and looking for a place to stop for a picnic. Meanwhile at a miniature garden a professor is demonstrating his shrinking formula. He pours it into a pond and then dips a small tree into it, which emerges as a much smaller tree. The Beatles stop at the miniature garden for their picnic and John Goes for a swim. When he emerges the others think he’s some automated Beatle doll. Paul wants to take it home for a toy. John gets away and they all chase what they think is the doll to the tune of “It Won’t Be Long”. They chase him back to the pond and he jumps onto a leaf and uses it for a boat. They all jump in to swim after him and shrink, while the shrinking formula wears off for John.

November 10, 1994: Mike Copping crashed at my place because his car broke down

Thirty years ago today

            On Thursday I worked from 9:00 to 22:00. I had to call the Café Verité to get Adina’s number so I could talk with her on my break. It was a long day, I was broke, hungry and very glad to get home. The phone rang just as I was entering and it was Mike Copping asking if he could crash at my place because his car broke down at Lawrence and Warden. There was a message from Mistress Maria telling me not to go to Brampton to meet her slave on Friday because it was a holiday. Then Maria called and we talked until Mike arrived. Mike and I talked and looked at porno magazines until 4:00 on Friday.

Jack Stokes

            On Friday morning I revised my translation of the third and fourth verses of “Allons z'enfants” (Be All You Can Be) by Boris Vian. 

            I posted “Love Me Like Ophelia”, my translation of “Ophélie” by Serge Gainsbourg on Facebook. There are only nine Gainsbourg songs left in my project to translate all of his songs from 1958 until his death in 1991. I memorized the first verse of his song “Flagrant délire” (Flagrant Delirium) and revised my translation of that verse. 

            I weighed 86.85 kilos before breakfast. Around midday I finished sanding the middle of the inside of the door frame. On Sunday I’ll sand the kitchen side edge of the middle. 

            I weighed 87.2 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. I had put a fresh flasher on the mantle near where my bike hangs but forgot to put it on before my ride. Since the time change it’s dark for most of my ride and so I made sure I put the fresh flasher on when I got home. 

            I weighed 87.05 kilos at 18:00. 

            I was caught up on my journal at 18:51. 

            I compared the song practice videos of my performances of “Comme un boomerang” on September 5 and September 15. September 5 looks better and sounds a little better. I compared September 21 to September 5 and September 5 looks and sounds better, plus I slightly fumbled a word on the 21st. I compared October 13 to September 5. September 5 is the best acoustic version of “Comme un boomerang” but I don’t think it’s good enough for YouTube. I’m going to try it for a few months with a different E flat chord and hear if it comes out better in next year’s recording project.

            I reviewed my September 1 performance of “Vomit of the Star Eater”. I played it with the Gibson Les Paul Studio electric and at this point I was just trying to work the song out and didn’t attempt a smooth take from start to finish. Also on that day the camera was tilted too high and so only the top of the guitar could be seen. 

            I spent about an hour re-learning “Paranoiac Utopia” on the guitar. I still can’t play it entirely without looking at my chord sheet but I’m almost there. 

            I had a potato with gravy and my last slice of roast beef while watching videos 13 and 14 of The Beatles cartoon series. 

            In story 1 of video 13 The Beatles are visiting Hollywood and Ringo thinks he’s going to be a star. He’s riding an automatic horse when the other Beatles turn it up, causing the horse to throw Ringo into the air. He lands in the arms of a producer who is desperately seeking a new stuntman because all the other ones are in the hospital. Ringo thinks he’s been hired as the star but he’s the stuntman in various dangerous situations. He gets tackled in football; beaten in boxing, falls from a tower, eaten by crocodiles; pushed from an airplane with an umbrella for a parachute, shot full of holes by a gangster, gouged by a bull, and shot from a cannon. He ends up in traction in the hospital. His producer comes to give him a cheque for $12. The producer gives $1 million to the star who Ringo says wasn’t even in the movie.

            The first singalong song is to “No Reply”, which was written mostly by John for Tommy Quickly but Tommy decided not to use it. Ringo really was in the hospital during the recording and so Paul played drums while George played bass. John sang the lead vocal while Paul sang harmony. The second singalong is to “I’m Happy Just to Dance With You”, which was written by John and Paul for George to sing. 

            In story 2 of video 13, the Beatles are in Rome and want to bring back a souvenir for the British Museum. Meanwhile $ millions in gold coins have been stolen and the two thieves have melted the coins down to disguise it as a statue of the goddess Musica, then painted it white. They are transporting it in a wheelbarrow when they see the cops and so they leave it among the other sculptures in a statuary. But the Beatles decide to buy it and are carting it when the thieves grab it and carry it away on top of the spare tire on their vespa. When they hit a bump the statue, still on the spare tire bounces free. Then to the tune of “I Want to Be Your Man” The Beatles and the thieves chase the bouncing statue all over Rome. The statue lands in a fountain and the paint washes off. As a reward the Beatles are given a miniature sculpture of the four Beatles that sings at high speed. 

            In story 1 of video 14 two thieves try to steal a top secret book of new Beatles songs. One of the villains is modeled after Oddjob from the James Bond film Goldfinger, complete with the razor edged bowler hat which he throws as a weapon. They sneak into the Beatles’ hotel room where there are four beds. The thieves are about to steal the book when Ringo wakes the others to tell them they goofed. They were supposed to perform in Barcelona that night and so they rush to charter a plane. The crooks follow them to the airport. Even though they are shooting at the Beatles, only Ringo seems to notice as they sing “Don’t Bother Me”, which was George’s first attempt to write a song. The crooks drive ahead and put thumbtacks on the road but they drive over them while the Beatles go around them. They try to drop a hook from a helicopter but Ringo attaches it to a passing biker who is very angry when the crooks hoist him up. When the Beatles reach the airport the crooks disguise themselves as screaming girls. John kisses one of them. The Beatles are running for their plane when Oddjob throws his hat but Ringo drops the book and bends to pick it up and so the bowler misses him and boomerangs back to cut the pants off the two crooks. 

            The first singalong is to “It Won’t Be Long”, which was written mostly by John. The second singalong is to “I Should Have Known Better”. 

            In story 2 of video 14, The Beatles are on a tropical vacation when some girls start chasing them. They all grab hold of the tail of a dragon kite and arrive up on a cliff where the kite flyer is a Charlie Chan type policeman who warns them about a jewel thief named Anyface who is a master of disguise. Suddenly there are two Pauls. While The Beatles sing “No Reply” Chan brings his number one niece who he says is such a Beatles fan she will be able to tell the difference but she can’t. Chan takes them to the Cave of Truth where the hermit says both Pauls have to climb a tree and jump into a pool. The one who doesn’t die will be Paul. But they both have magnets that pull them down and somehow bend the tree so they have a soft landing. Then screaming girls start chasing Anyface and he loses his disguise and calls for help. 

            These animations were co-directed by Jack Stokes, whose first work in a feature film were some special effects in the movie Wonderwall but he worked on several short films before that. He directed Yellow Submarine and the Den segment in the movie Heavy Metal. He directed animated segments for the made for TV movie Magical Mystery Tour. For television he directed The Family Ness and The World of Peter Rabbit and Friends.

November 9, 1994: I had $36 in the bank but no money for food

Thirty years ago today

            On Wednesday I talked with Mistress Maria twice for several hours. I left home at 14:00 to go and pose at the A.Y. Jackson Secondary School and went up to Steeles and Leslie, but that turned out to be wrong. I should have gone to Cummer to catch the bus but by the time I reached a phone to call them I was too late to work and so of course I didn’t get paid. I went back downtown to pose at the Ontario College of Art from 19:00 to 22:00 and then I went to the Fat Albert’s open stage where Steve Lowe and Angeline were still doing their feature performance. I went home shortly after they finished because I was hungry. I only had $36 in the bank and no money to buy food.

Woody Kling

            On Thursday morning I revised my translation of the second verse of “Allons z'enfants” (Be All You Can Be) by Boris Vian. 

            I finished editing “Ophélie” (Love Me Like Ophelia) by Serge Gainsbourg on my Christian’s Translations blog and published it. Tomorrow I’ll post my translation on Facebook before moving on to the next Gainsbourg song. 

            I played my Kramer electric guitar during song practice for the second of two sessions. It stayed in tune. 

            I weighed 87.2 kilos before breakfast. 

            Around midday I sanded the top and the upper sides of the middle of the inside of my bathroom door frame. Tomorrow I’ll do the lower sides and maybe the kitchen side of the edge. 

            I weighed 87.8 kilos before lunch, which is the most I’ve weighed in the early afternoon since October 30. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and stopped at Freshco on my way back. I bought three bags of red grapes, two bags of green grapes, two packs of raspberries, some bananas, a pack of five-year-old cheddar, a loaf of multigrain sandwich bread, three bags of skim milk, a pack of Full City Dark coffee, and shaving gel. I did a price match on the green grapes with Metro’s price. 

            I weighed 86.8 kilos at 18:30. 

            I was caught up on my journal at 19:53. 

            I compared the song practice videos of my acoustic performances of “Comme un boomerang” on September 5 and 9. September 5 looks a lot better and sounds a bit better. I compared September 15 to September 5 but I need to listen and watch them both again tomorrow. 

            I worked on relearning to play the intro to “Paranoiac Utopia” and it’s coming back to me. 

            I had a potato with gravy and a slice of roast beef while watching videos 11 and 12 of The Beatles cartoon series. 

            In story 1 of video 11 The Beatles car breaks down. John and Paul go underneath the car for a while and say they’ll be done soon. George says he didn’t know they could fix a motor. They say they’re not fixing the motor but writing a song. They are captured by an elderly highwayman who recognizes they’re the Beatles and want to hold them for ransom. He ties them up and rides off to get the ransom money. They easily break free and then follow the sun west to the highway while “I’ll Follow the Sun” is playing. When they get back to their car the highwayman is fixing it. He says he’s gone straight and now he’s doing auto repairs. He hands them their bill and they say, “It’s highway robbery!” He confirms it is and adds “Twentieth Century style!” 

            The first singalong song is “I’ll Cry Instead”. The second singalong is to the Beatles’ cover of “Everybody’s Trying to Be My Baby”, which was sung by George. The original hillbilly style version of the song was written in 1936 by Rex Griffin. Carl Perkins wrote and recorded his rockabilly version with slightly altered lyrics in 1956. 

            In story 2 of video 11 The Beatles are being chased by screaming girls and take shelter in the Notre Dame Cathedral, where it turns out that the hunchback of Notre Dame still lives. As the Beatles explore the church Quasimodo tries to cause them mischief but his efforts always backfire similarly to Wile E Coyote in the Roadrunner cartoons. All of this is happening while “When I Get Home” is playing. Finally he tries to drop the cathedral bell on them but crashes to the floor with the bell. The Beatles take pity on him and arrange for him to get a gig as a musical bell ringer. He’s an immediate hit with the screaming fans. 

            In story 1 of video 12 The Beatles are driving to Tokyo. Meanwhile nearby in a temple four people are praying to their ancestors and asking them to return in earthly form. They have laid out a feast and silk clothing for them to wear. Then the worshippers say they will return tomorrow. After they leave, The Beatles are looking for a place to stop for the night when they come upon the temple. They go inside, eat the food, put on the clothing and then go to sleep. The next day the worshippers think that The Beatles are the earthly form of their ancestors. The Beatles are running from them while the song “Everybody’s Trying to Be My Baby” is playing. When they realize The Beatles don’t wear braids like their ancestors they kick them out. 

            The first singalong song is “I’m a Loser”, which was written and sung by John. The second singalong is “I Wanna Be Your Man”, which was written mostly by Paul but finished by Paul and John, and sung by Ringo. It’s a staple of Ringo’s All Star Band concerts. The Rolling Stones recorded it and it became their first top 20 hit. 

            In story 2 of video 12 the Beatles are trying to find a concert hall in Rome to play in but the first one they come to, the Romano has been burned to the ground. The impresario Senor Bombasto gets them the Grand Opera House. They start rehearsing but then hear a very loud and bad opera singer destroying the place with her voice. Bombasto takes them to a ballet theatre but then an overweight dancer wrecks the place by accidentally turning on the artificial weather and a storm and flood wrecks the place. Finally they go to the Coliseum to rehearse “I Should’ve Known Better”, which was written and sung by John. Their music also wrecks the Coliseum. 

            These stories were co-written by Heywood “Woody” Kling. Woody’s parents were in show business and threw parties that a lot of celebrities attended. Woody met Milton Berle at one of those parties and at one point Berle told a joke that Woody didn’t laugh at. Berle asked him why and Woody said he’d told it wrong. Woody proceeded to tell it the right way and got a big laugh. Berle right away hired Woody to produce and write Texaco Star Theatre Starring Milton Berle. He even wrote the theme song. In the 50s he became the head writer for the Jack Paar Show. In 1968 he was the head writer for The Jackie Gleason Show. In the 70s he became head writer for The Carol Burnett Show and All in the Family, which together earned him seven Emmy nominations and two Emmy wins. His play Three Goats and a Blanket starring Mickey Rooney became the highest grossing play to not make it to Broadway. He created the cartoon series Rainbow Brite.

November 8, 1994: Adina and I went to see Ed Wood and had a blast

Thirty years ago today

            On Tuesday I posed from 13:00 to 15:30 at the Ontario College of Art and then I went home for an hour. Then I headed downtown again to meet Adina at the Second Cup. She was late but we were on time for the movie. We saw Ed Wood and had a blast. After the film I was imitating the funny way Johnny Depp had been running in the film. It was so nice being with Adina afterward as we went to the Gladstone together where I hosted my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage. It was a good night there as well.

Bruce Howard

            On Wednesday morning I heard in French on Radio Canada that Donald Trump won the election in the States. The US had the chance to elect its first Canadian president, which might have saved them but they blew it. What are ya gonna do? US history is a series of blunders from the revolution on. The US was supposed to have its first female president eight years ago since Hillary Clinton won the popular vote but the US is never ready for progress. 

            I revised my translation of the first verse of “Allons z'enfants” (Be All You Can Be) by Boris Vian. This is going to take a few days. 

            I revised my translation of “Ophélie” (Ophelia) by Serge Gainsbourg and ran through singing and playing it. I uploaded it to my Christian’s Translations blog to prepare it for publication and I might have it posted tomorrow.

            I played my Kramer electric guitar during song practice for the first of two sessions. 

            I weighed 86.6 kilos before breakfast. 

            I weighed 87.7 kilos before lunch, which is the most I’ve weighed in the early afternoon since last Wednesday. 

            At 14:00 I decided to lie down for fifteen minutes because wanted to give myself half an hour to get ready to leave at 14:45 for my dental appointment. I woke up at 14:45 and had to rush and inadequately brush my teeth. I left at 14:50 and got to Dentistry on Queen West at 14:55. I had to take a bowel movement, which I rarely do in public washrooms. When I came out I was called in and the assistant asked me how I’d chipped my tooth. I related how I was in my late teens living in the Beaches and working downtown. On hot summer days it was easy to fall asleep during the ride home. The backs of the streetcar seats had curved steel bars over the top and when the streetcar slammed its breaks my sleeping head slammed face first into the bar and chipped the tooth. It only occurred to me today that I could have and should have sued. The filling took less than 25 minutes. Dr. Singer didn’t charge me anything because it was only four months ago that he did the same filling. That was unexpected and nice. 

            From there I took a bike ride downtown and on the way back I stopped at Freshco to take advantage of this being the last day that Food Basics had their grapes for $4.18 a kilo, so I could price match it at Freshco. I got five bags and I didn’t even have to show the flyer to Katarina because she said she’d been doing price matches with Food Basics on grapes all day long. 

            I weighed 86.65 kilos at 17:10. 

            I was caught up on my journal at 18:24. 

            I reviewed the videos of my song practice performances of “Like a Boomerang” and “Comme un boomerang” from October 10 to 13. On October 10 I played “Like a Boomerang” on my Kramer electric guitar and on the take at 6:00 I didn’t have enough of a grip on the E flat. On October 11 and 13 I played “Comme un Boomerang” on my Martin acoustic guitar. On October 11 the take at 5:30 was okay but the E flat was not firm. On October 13 the take at 6:00 was okay. On October 12 I played “Like a Boomerang” on the Martin and the take at 7:15 was okay but again the E flat was sometimes off. 

            I finished collecting all of the song versions of the poems from my book Paranoiac Utopia into one document and I started re-learning the title piece. 

            I made four ground beef patties and grilled them in the oven. I forgot to buy sandwich bread on Saturday and so I had to use two toasted slices of cinnamon-raisin bread to hold a burger. I used one patty, Dijon, chili sauce, horseradish and two slices of dill pickle. I had my burger with a beer while watching videos 9 and 10 of The Beatles cartoon series. 

            In story 1 of video 9 The Beatles visit a reservation in Texas where the natives pretend to talk in broken English because that’s what tourists expect. Meanwhile a little girl is trying to be a great hunter and trapper when a boy tells her that girls can’t do that. She proves they can by trapping John and Paul and then George and Ringo. They sing “Little Child” to her while upside down. She fetches the little boy to show his catch and he is impressed but when he tells her she caught the Beatles she faints. 

            The first singalong is to The Beatles version of “Long Tall Sally”, co-written and recorded by Little Richard in 1956. The Beatles started performing the song when they were The Quarrymen in 1957. The second singalong song is “Twist and Shout”. 

            In Story 2 of video 9 The Beatles are performing Ticket to Ride at a concert in Texas. The impresario gifts Ringo with a solid gold guitar decorated with diamonds. Three hillbilly musicians steal the guitar but the Beatles use special radar to track the guitar to the hillbillies’ shack. Ringo smashes through their house in a mining car and gets the guitar back to the tune of “I’ll Be Back”.

            In story 1 of video 10 The Beatles stop to spend the night in an English castle. An old man lets them in and they are interested in two suits of armour that are on display. He warns them not to touch them because the armour suits are cursed. Any two people that wear them will fight to the death unless they hear the drums of peace. John and Ringo put them on and John’s armour comes with the long lance of Salisbury that is nicknamed “Long Tall Sally”. They begin to fight until they fall into the drum of peace. 

            The first singalong song is “I’ll Follow the Sun”, which was written and sung by Paul. The second singalong is “When I Get Home”, which was written and sung by John. 

            In story 2 of video 10 The Beatles are visiting Japan where George is on his way for a judo lesson when he stops to give autographs and gets a swollen hand from autographitis. John, Paul and Ringo rush him to find a doctor. They see a sign of a hand and think it’s a hand doctor but it’s a karate studio. Inside the studio the karate champion is told he will be fighting the man with the stiffest hand in the world, the Masked Masher. Outside the studio George is worried that the doctor will recognize him and ask for his autograph and so Paul puts a mask on him. When George enters the studio the champion attacks him to the tune of “I’ll Cry Instead”, which was written and sung by John. The champion fumbles his way to his own defeat and the exercise cured George’s hand. 

            Both of these episodes were co-written by Bruce Howard, who started as a stand-up comedian. He was nominated for an Emmy for his writing on The Red Skelton Show. He wrote dozens of episodes of The Dukes of Hazzard, as well as episodes of McHale’s Navy, The Lucy Show, Gilligan’s Island, I Dream of Jeannie, The Brady Bunch, The Jeffersons, Alice, Too Close for Comfort, Punky Brewster, One Day at a Time, and The Love Boat. He co-wrote the US version of King Kong Vs Godzilla in 1963.

November 7, 1994: Mistress Maria instructed me to meet with one of her slaves

Thirty years ago today

            On Monday I posed at the Ontario College of Art from 9:00 to 16:00. When I got home Mistress Maria called me and gave me instructions to meet with one of her slaves. Later I talked on the phone with Adina.

Al Brodax

            On Tuesday morning I ran through singing and playing “Allons z'enfants” (Be All You Can Be) by Boris Vian in French. Tomorrow I’ll start revising my translation and that might take a few days. 

            I finished working out the chords for “Ophélie” (Ophelia) by Serge Gainsbourg and ran through singing and playing it in French. I revised my translation of one of the verses and tomorrow I’ll run through the whole song in English. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio electric guitar during song practice for the second of two sessions. It stayed in tune a little better but the action is still low. Tomorrow I’ll begin a two session stretch of playing my Kramer electric. 

            I weighed 87.4 kilos before breakfast. 

            At 12:15 I left for The Graduate School of Dentistry for the last follow-up after my surgery two months ago. Dr. Xia says he’ll see me again sometime in the next few months. I asked if it will be okay to get a front filling replaced on the tooth next door and he said it should be okay as long as the dentist doesn’t touch the one that had the surgery. He said ideally if I could wait another couple of months it would be better but I told him I would be on stage at my book launch and he said in that case I can get it done. On the way home I was passing Dentistry on Queen West and decided to stop and book an appointment to fix the front filling. They said I could come in tomorrow at 15:00. 

            I weighed 86.8 kilos at 14:30, which is the least I’ve weighed in the early afternoon since last Tuesday. 

            I took a siesta at 15:15 and got up at around 16:52. 

            I weighed 87.55 kilos at 17:00. 

            I was caught up on my journal at 18:15. 

            I reviewed the song practice videos of my performances of “Like a Boomerang” and “Comme un boomerang” from October 6 to 9. On October 6 I played “Like a Boomerang” on my Kramer electric guitar and the take at 5:15 was okay. On October 9 I played “Comme un Boomerang” on the Kramer but the take that ended at 10:45 didn’t sound good. On October 7 I played it on my Martin acoustic guitar but in the take that ended at 14:45 I didn’t have a firm enough grip on the E flat. On October 8 I played “Like a Boomerang” on the Martin and the take at 3:30 wasn’t great but it looked good. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to play the E flat chord properly on this song with a barred C chord on the third fret so I might have to look for an alternative. Maybe a barred E chord on the eleventh fret. 

            I continued to gather the chords for the poems from my book Paranoiac Utopia into one document. Some of the songs have to be reformatted so they are all uniformly in Times New Roman. I’ve got about half done. I still haven’t had a chance to practice any of these poems for my performance at the book launch. 

            I had a small potato with gravy and a slice of roast beef while watching episodes 7 and 8 of The Beatles cartoon series. 

            In story 1 of video 7 the Beatles arrive in Africa for a safari. Their guide is Allen Watermain the great white hunter. John and Paul run after a lion while a rhino runs after the car that George and Ringo are riding in. The song being played during both chases is “I’ll Get You”. When John and Paul corner the lion they take out their camera but it turns out it’s just two men in a lion suit. John and Paul borrow the costume to scare George and Ringo. It works but then Watermain starts shooting at what he thinks is a lion. 

            The first sing along song is “You Really Got a Hold On Me” by Smokey Robinson. The second singalong is “Any Time At All” which was mostly written by John. The high notes in the chorus are sung by Paul because John couldn’t reach them. 

            In story 2 of video 7 The Beatles are visiting a rodeo. Two cowboys are fighting about how to pronounce “rodeo” as one says “Rodeeo” while the other says “Rodayo”. Ringo gets pushed into riding a very ornery bull named “Honey”. While Ringo is trying to get the bull to behave he sings “Honey Don’t” by Carl Perkins. This is the first time Ringo is shown doing a lead vocal on this show. In story 1 of video 8 The Beatles are in an art gallery in Paris looking at a painting of the Three Musketeers. Then all four of them begin to fantasize that they are the Musketeers rescuing a damsel in distress while singing “Any Time at All”. Back in reality Ringo laments that there are no more damsels in distress to rescue. But then a blonde woman with a French accent and wearing a beret, sunglasses and a trench coat says she is a damsel in distress as two men with guns are following her. Pretending again they are Musketeers they try to stop the men but they are knocked down. Ringo tries to swing at the men from a chandelier but misses and causes the chandelier to fall on John, Paul, George and the lady in distress. But the men with guns tell the Beatles they have just captured the notorious jewel thief Fefe Le Crook.

            The first sing along song is “I’ll Be Back”, which was mostly written by John. The second song is “Little Child”, which was written by John and Paul for Ringo to sing. But Ringo was only given one song to sing on every album and on “With the Beatles” his song was “I Wanna Be Your Man”. 

            In Story 2 of video 8 The Beatles go to a Left Bank art show in Paris. A young artist is being made fun of because she painted a pussy cat rather than something abstract. She’s upset and laments that she can’t seem to let herself go. So the Beatles sing her “Twist and Shout” by Phil Medley and Bert Burns for inspiration and she creates several abstract works during the song. The song was a hit for the Isley Brothers in 1962. John’s lead vocal on the Beatles version is considered to be one of the best rock and roll vocal performances of all time. The young artist wins first prize but her prize is her own painting of the pussycat. 

            The Beatles cartoon series was created by Al Brodax, who previously helped to develop Your Show of Shows. He produced and co-wrote Yellow Submarine. He executive produced and wrote the TV cartoon series Beetle Bailey and co-created the series Cool McCool. In the 60s he ran the motion picture and television division of King Features Syndicate. He produced the revival of Krazy Kat and Casper the Friendly Ghost.

November 6, 1994: My daughter and I played in the sandbox until it rained

Thirty years ago today

            On Sunday my daughter and I went to the sandbox in Kew Gardens and played until it started raining. We went home for apple juice and then we headed downtown to the Café Verité where we played and hung out with Adina. We walked her to Bathurst and then I took my daughter back to her mother.

Lance Percival

            On Monday morning I finished working out the chords for “Allons z'enfants” (Be All You Can Be) by Boris Vian. Tomorrow I’ll run through singing and playing it in French and then I need to work on revising my translation. 

            I worked out the chords for the sixth and half of the seventh verse of “Ophélie” (Ophelia) by Serge Gainsbourg. The melody for the seventh verse is basically the same as for the second but the chords are slightly different. I should have the song finished on Tuesday. 

            During song practice I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio electric guitar and it was going out of tune a lot. The action has also dropped again. 

            After song practice I didn’t have time to put my cables or equipment away or to even have breakfast. I was scheduled to meet Brian Haddon at The Crown and Dragon at 13:00 after getting a haircut at Top Cuts. I left my place at 11:18 and got to Top Cuts at noon so I thought I would have plenty of time. But my stylist Amy just got back from a two week holiday and she’s very popular. There was already one customer in her chair and two more ahead of me. At first I sent an email to Brian that I would be fifteen minutes late but then I sent another one that I would meet him closer to 13:30. It was already after 13:35 when I left Top Cuts. 

            I rode down Yonge as fast as I could and saw Brian standing a couple of blocks north of the Crown and Dragon. He’d discovered that the pub doesn’t open until 15:00 on Mondays and Tuesdays. There was no point waiting and so we had to decide whether to walk north to The Quail or south to mystery. We remembered that although The Quail has pretty good fare we didn’t like the music they played and so we headed south. We stopped to peruse the menu outside of Jack Astor’s but it didn’t grab us so we continued south. I remembered that The Spotted Dick used to be across from what used to be the Hudson’s Bay Centre and so we went to look, but the Dick has departed. I said The Fortunate Fox is a little further west on Bloor but then Brian suggested The Artful Dodger. I hadn’t been there in thirty years and Brian hadn’t been there in a long time either. We didn’t even know if it was still there but we walked down to Isabella to find out. It turns out that it’s still there. The last time I was there it was for drinks after a movie and it was quite crowded. This time we had a rustic, atmospheric, well decorated lounge all to ourselves. I liked the place immediately. I had the Banger’s Breakfast and Brian had the steak and mushroom pie. We shared a pitcher of Creemore and it was all on me. I gifted Brian with a copy of my book and took his picture while he held it. 

            It was a pleasant lunch and I think The Artful Dodger is my new favourite pub. We might have dinner next at The Supermarket on December 1 after my book launch. 

            I took a siesta from 17:00 to 18:30. 

            I weighed 86.85 kilos at 19:00. 

            I had a potato with gravy and a slice of roast beef while watching videos 5 and 6 of The Beatles cartoon series. 

            In story 1 of video 5 The Beatles are back in Transylvania. They say Ringo booked the holiday but he says he thought that it was Pennsylvania. They are outside a castle and the door opens so they go in. Paul finds a sarcophagus and goes inside for fun but it has a secret trap door and he slides into the lab of a mad scientist named Professor Psycho, inventor of Instant Wolfbane and Dietary Witch’s Brew. He shows her his latest creation, Vampiress, half girl and half bat. He pulls a switch and she comes to life. Psycho tells her Paul is her future husband. Paul starts running and Vampiress flies after him while the song “Baby’s in Black” is playing. She finally catches him and Psycho is about to pronounce them man and wife when the other Beatles fall into the lab. Psycho and Vampiress then reveal that he is her manager and she’s a singer. They engineered this stunt to try to promote her act. She says she flew with the help of strings. Then Paul kisses her and she falls in love and starts flying without strings.

            The first song in the singalong segment is “I’ll Get You”, which was a 50-50 collaboration between John and Paul and they also sang it together. It has lots of “Yeah”s in it. Apparently nobody from Liverpool says “yes”. 

            The second singalong is the Gerry Goffin and Carole King song “Chains” that was recorded by The Cookies in 1962 and became a very popular song for Liverpool bands to cover. The video shows the Beatles in chains on a slave ship. 

            In story 2 of video 5 The Beatles walk through a fog to a Picadilly wax museum that is featuring wax figures of The Beatles. As they walk a newsboy calls out about the vampire murders in Picadilly. Inside the Chambre of Horrors they find what they think is a wax statue of Dracula but the viewer sees it’s real. They find their own exhibit and replace the wax statues with themselves. A patron observes that Paul and John don’t look very realistic. Later they find that the museum has closed and they are locked inside. Then Dracula comes to life and starts chasing them to the tune of the song “Misery”. But this Dracula is quite clumsy and so his pursuit is somewhat slapstick. They melt down their statues in a cauldron and then spill the wax on the floor, which traps Dracula. The manager of the museum says it will cost him $5000 to replace the Beatles statues. The Beatles say that for $5000 they’ll stand there instead of the statues. 

            In story 1 of video 6 The Beatles are on safari in Africa to find and photograph an albino rhino but they can’t find one even though they pass one that’s holding a sign that reads “Take photos of me for forty cents”. They get two flat tires and Ringo says the travel agency provided them with a jack but it turns out to be a witch doctor named Jack. Jack turns a worm into a python that immediately falls in love with the Beatles and it keeps trying wrap itself around them while the Smokey Robinson song “You Really Got a Hold On Me” is playing. It was a big hit for The Miracles in 1962. On the Beatles version John and George do lead vocals with Paul singing harmony. 

            The first singalong song is “Slow Down”. Paul is about to introduce the second song when Ringo mispronounces something. Paul asks “Don’t you know the king’s English?” Ringo says, “I know the queen is”. The second song is the 1956 hit “Honey Don’t” by Carl Perkins. The Beatles version features Ringo on lead vocals and before the instrumental he calls out, “Rock on George, one time for me!” 

            In story 2 of video 6 The Beatles are on a cruise ship and go to see Mutiny on the Bounty in the boat’s cinema. Later Ringo hits his head and dreams he’s Captain Ringo Bly and that he’s put the other Beatles in irons for trying to mutiny. They sing “Chains”. He makes them walk the plank into a pool full of beautiful girls and then he jumps in too. 

            Lance Percival did the voices of Paul and Ringo (and really only Ringo’s cartoon voice sounded like him). He moved to Canada after serving with the Seaforth Highlanders in Egypt and first worked writing jingles for TV commercials. At the same time he had a band called Lord Lance and His Calypsons. In his concerts he would improvise comic calypsos about current events. His film debut was in The Devil’s Daffodil. He was a regular on the skit comedy show That Was the Week That Was. He played Wilfred Haines in the movie Carry On Cruising. He co-starred in the comedy musical It’s All Over Town. He was featured in the comedy review One Over Eight. He did the voice of Old Fred in Yellow Submarine. He was a regular panelist on Many A Slip. He wrote two books of verse: “Well Versed Cat” and “Well Versed Dog”. He moved from acting to writing and after-dinner speaking.

November 5, 1994: Mike argued a band is a democracy but I said not when there's only one songwriter

Thirty years ago today 

            On Saturday I picked up my daughter from her mother’s place then we went to the McDonald’s at Bamburgh Plaza for a while. We took the Warden bus to the subway and then the train to Main Station where we waited for Tom Smarda and Mike Martin. Mike came but Tom was late and so we just went ahead to the rehearsal space. Mike and I started practicing my songs for our upcoming gig at the El Mocambo and Tom arrived a little later. Mike and I argued over my “criticisms” of his manner of drumming. For certain parts of some songs I wanted the drums to stop momentarily but he thought there should always be a beat. He argued that a band is a democratic collective but I said not if there’s only one songwriter in the band. I assured him that if he were to write a song for Christian and the Lions I would follow his instructions on how to play and sing it. After our time was up my daughter and I went home.

Paul Frees

            On Sunday morning I worked out the chords for the twelfth and thirteenth verses of “Allons z'enfants” (Be All You Can Be) by Boris Vian and the fifth verse of “Ophélie” (Ophelia) by Serge Gainsbourg. I think from this point on the chord patterns are repeated and so I might have the song finished tomorrow. 

            I played my Martin acoustic guitar during song practice for the second of two sessions. Tomorrow I’ll begin a four session stretch of playing my electric guitars. 

            I weighed 86.65 kilos before breakfast. 

            I’ve been experimenting with the right level of humidity to maintain with the warm mist humidifier. If I wait until the hygrometer in the bedroom is at 60 it becomes way too swampy in my living room. I’ve decided to only turn it on when it drops to 50 and to shut it off when it reaches 55. That seems to make things more comfortable. 

            Around midday I started cleaning up my place because Nick Cushing was going to be popping by while he was in town from Hamilton. He had at first said that he would be here at 13:30 but then messaged me that he’d forgotten about the time change and would be here an hour later. But he ended up arriving at 13:30 anyway. By that time I’d only managed to sweep the floor. I continued cleaning the kitchen and bathroom floor and the bathroom sink and toilet while we chatted. Because he’s been so generous with me over the years I gifted him a signed copy of my book Paranoiac Utopia. He became the first owner of a copy of the book and so I took his picture with it. 

            I weighed 87.15 kilos at 15:30 and had a late lunch. 

            I took a siesta and when I got up at 17:30 it was too late to take a bike ride. I’ll make up for it when I ride to get a haircut at Yonge and St Clair tomorrow. 

            I weighed 87.4 kilos at 17:30. 

            I was caught up on my journal at 19:00. 

            I reviewed the song practice videos of my performances of “Like a Boomerang” and “Comme un boomerang” from October 2 to 5. On October 2 I played “Like a Boomerang” on my Martin Road Series acoustic guitar and the take at 3:30 was okay. On October 3 I played “Comme un Boomerang” on my Gibson Les Paul Studio electric guitar and the take that ended at 14:45 didn’t sound good because of the rattly sound of low action on the Gibson. On October 4 I played “Like a Boomerang” on the Gibson and had the same problem. On October 5 I played “Comme un Boomerang” on my Kramer electric guitar and the take at 6:45 didn’t sound horrible. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with Basilica sauce, a sliced hot Italian sausage and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a beer while watching episodes 3 and 4 of The Beatles cartoon series. 

            In the first story of the third video, the Beatles are broke in Africa because Ringo spent all their money on fifteen rings. Paul says they need to pawn his rings to buy food but the rings were all stolen when Ringo shook hands with autograph collectors. They want to telegraph Brian Epstein for money but haven’t got enough money to send the telegraph. However they come across a jungle telegraph consisting of a hollow log and two clubs and so Ringo beats out a message. He hears a return message from Brian’s secretary telling them that the postman’s on his way with money. Then he hears a beaten message from the operator telling them they owe ten pounds because Ringo forgot to reverse the charges. They find some eggs but they’re crocodile eggs. They give a concert for the charity of The Beatles and the audience is all screaming girls. They sing “Please Mr. Postman”, which was originally recorded by The Marvelettes in 1961. It was the first Motown song to hit number 1 on the regular Billboard charts. It was through their recording of this song that The Beatles introduced the UK to the Motown sound. John sings the lead vocal with backup by Paul and George. The cartoon actually accurately shows who is singing what parts. The postman arrives during the song and has to crawl to the stage under the legs of hundreds of screaming girls. He finally hands it to The Beatles and they are expecting money but it’s a bill from the Liverpool Light Company. Ringo says who cares since they’re far away from Liverpool but suddenly the power is shut off in Africa. 

            John introduces the first singalong song with Ringo serving as the prop man. John says it’s a jump tune and so Ringo dresses as a parachutist but has the parachute on upside down so he falls upwards. The song is “If I Fell”. The second singalong is to “Do You Want to Know a Secret”. 

            In the second story the Beatles are in Transylvania again. Ringo goes for a walk and George says he can’t help worrying about him because sometimes he’s like a little kid. Ringo walks a long way and decides to return but loses his way on the journey back. At a crossroad he flips a coin, but the coin sprouts bat wings and flies away. He chases after it and bumps into the house of a witch who is looking for a husband. She says to come in for a spot of soup but he says he already has one on his shirt. She makes a love potion and puts it in a squirt gun. She begins chasing him but keeps missing and hitting objects that come to life, like a chair that starts amorously chasing another chair. While she pursues him the song “Devil in Her Heart” is being played. She’s got him cornered when George knocks on the door. She trips and falls into her cauldron. Ringo tells George he’s saved him but then the witch emerges, transformed into a beautiful witch. Suddenly Ringo doesn’t want to be rescued and begins chasing the witch. 

            In the first story of the fourth video The Beatles make it through a screaming crowd of girls to board a plane at the Liverpool airport. They make it into the air but find that the flight attendants are just as fanatical and so they parachute out. They land in the jungle where they are looking for a place to rehearse. They face three crocodiles who turn out to be three fans in disguise. They escape and are about to rehearse when Ringo sees three crocs again. He jumps them and ties them up, then sets his drum kit on top of them and finally they play the song “Not a Second Time”. Then it turns out that the crocs are real crocodiles but also Beatles fans. 

            The gags for the sing along segment are repeated from the first video. The first sing along is to “Baby’s in Black”, which was recorded with John and Paul singing at the same time through one microphone. The second sing along is to “Misery”. It was written by John and Paul for Helen Shapiro but her people decided not to use it. Kenny Lynch recorded it and became the first non Beatle to record a Beatles song. 

            In the second story a town in the western US has voted to rename itself Ringo Ravine and so The Beatles are travelling by car across the desert to get there so Ringo can receive the honour. Ringo wishes he could ride into town on a horse. A prospector out in the desert has a mule called Gold Nose that can sniff out gold and it smells two of the Beatles’ gold records in their car. The prospector also has a horse and so John, Paul, and George rent it so Ringo can ride it into town. But the horse is out of control and Ringo is helplessly hanging on while the song “Slow Down” is being played. “Slow Down” was written by Larry Williams and was the flip side of his 1957 hit “Dizzy Miss Lizzy”. Ringo is lost as the horse runs through the desert. Finally he starts dropping his rings so Gold Nose can track him. Gold Nose finds him and he is brought to town but then the town decides to rename itself Gold Nose. 

            The voices of John Lennon and George Harrison were done by Paul Frees, who couldn’t do their Scouse accent. Early in his career he performed as an impressionist on vaudeville under the name Buddy Green and his specialty was the voice of Orson Welles. He fought in WWII and was wounded and shipped home. He attended the Chouinard School art school in LA. He acted in many popular radio series, including Escape and Gunsmoke. His film debut was as a voice in The Adventures of Sir Galahad. He was the voice of the unseen benefactor on the TV series The Millionaire. He was also the voice of Boris Badenov on the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoon series and the voice of the Ghost Host for Disney’s Haunted Mansion. He was the voice of Ludwig Von Drake for Disney. He dubbed Tony Curtis’s “Josephine” voice in “Some Like It Hot”. He was the voice of The Thing in The Fantastic Four animated series. In 1970 he made $50,000 a year just from doing the voice of the Pillsbury Doughboy. He was the voice of Toucan Sam for Fruit Loops. He did four of the voices in Spartacus. He did voices for the first Star Wars film. In the 60s he was also apparently an undercover narcotics agent. He was married six times.