June 24, 1996: I started swamping furniture for summer work

Thirty years ago today

            On Monday it would have been the beginning of the last week of school for the Toronto District School Board. If I didn’t have any gigs posing at one of the secondary schools with advanced art programs I might have worked as a furniture swamper for Keith Anderson Moving and Storage in North York.

Ray Jessel

            On Sunday morning after midnight I was working on my journal when I dozed off and fell out of my chair and onto my right hip. I expected it to be sore when I got up at 5:00 but it wasn’t. 

            After yoga. I finished editing “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian in my Christian’s Translations blog and it is ready for publication as soon as I post a YouTube video at the top. 

            I memorized and translated the first verse of the “Que je t’aime (That I Love You)” parody by Serge Gainsbourg. That’s half the song and so there’s a good chance that I’ll have it finished on Monday. 

            I weighed 90.15 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin for the third of four sessions and it went out of tune for every song as usual.

            Around midday I painted the outside half of two of the four floral reliefs on my future bathroom mirror frame. On Tuesday I’ll do the outside halves of the other two. 

            I weighed 91.35 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 90.45 kilos at 17:45, which is the lightest I’ve been in the evening since June 6. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still behind at suppertime. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, french fries, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 9, episode 10 of The Carol Burnett Show. During the audience warmup someone asks Carol about the play Once Upon a Mattress. She says it was the first theatre production she was in outside of college. 

            Someone asks Carol to relate a funny and interesting experience she shared with Lucille Ball. The cameraman says, “Desi Arnaz”. 

            Carol plays a housewife talking on the phone about how her kitchen has just been renovated but there are a few problems. She hangs up and the phone breaks off the wall. Her husband (played by Harvey) comes home from a very bad day at work and doesn’t want to hear any complaints, so she doesn’t mention the phone. Several things in the kitchen break or malfunction as he’s sitting there waiting for Carol to fix him a drink. The comedy lies in her attempting to conceal each little disaster that is happening very close to him. He bangs his fist on the kitchen table and a light fixture drops into Carol’s hands. She goes to get ice and the handle comes off the freezer door so she can’t open it. She tries to pry it with a hammer but the hammer handle snaps. It doesn’t open until Harvey bangs his fist on the table again. She tries to run water and the faucet comes off so that water is spraying all over the place. The kitchen counters fall from the wall and the door comes off the fridge. The ceiling collapses. Harvey is freaking out but says they’ll go to a restaurant. He goes out to get the car and it blows up. Carol makes a big batch of martinis in the light fixture. 

            Carol brings Maggie Smith out and asks her to teach her how to speak with an accent. Maggie says, “You already do speak with an accent. Oh! You mean you want to learn to speak correctly?” Carol wants to be able to imitate the Cockney accent. Her lesson becomes a singing duet. Maggie sings, “Take the A sound and make it an I sound. Take the O sound and make it an Ow. Then try a glottal stop: Wha-a lo-ah li--le bo--les” (What a lot of little bottles). She then says she has to drop her “H”s. Carol says she wants to star in My Fair Lady II if they make it. But Maggie says that’s a part she’d audition for too.

            Harvey is very sick and has called for his doctor to make a house call but the doctor’s father, played by Tim Conway in his old man character shows up instead. He walks with a shuffle and has an inability to lift his feet and so he tends to bunch up carpets, making obstacles for himself. He goes to wash his hands and does so in the gold fish bowl. He says he got his doctor’s bag in Australia and it’s real koala, which cracks Harvey up. He goes to take Harvey’s pulse but his fob watch is missing and so he holds Harvey’s left hand while he brings Harvey’s right hand around him so he can look at his watch. But he ends up sliding up next to Harvey and falling asleep. Harvey asks if he’s sure he’s a doctor. Tim shows him his diploma and he’s a paediatrician. Tim puts on a monkey mask to get Harvey to take a pill. He goes to take Harvey’s temperature and tells him to roll over. A nurse took my temperature that way when I was a kid in the hospital. Harvey hears from the doorman that a Doctor Becker is on his way up and Harvey is relieved because he thinks it’s Tim’s son but it’s his father. 

            Maggie plays a school teacher on parent-teachers night. Eunice, Ed and Mama come in to discuss Eunice and Ed’s son Bubba. Maggie says that she’s sent several notes home with Bubba but his parents have never received them. She tells them that Bubba’s studies and behaviour have been going downhill since Grade 1. Unless something changes the school will have to expel him. Bubba has only handed in one assignment so far this year. It was supposed to be a 100 word composition on what he did last summer. All he wrote was “Not much” fifty times. When asked to report to the principal Bubba set off the fire alarm. Once he threw a stink bomb into the teachers lounge. Ed asks how he’s doing in athletics. She says the other students won’t play with him because he throws tantrums when he loses. Today at lunch he stole a girl’s chicken salad sandwich and force-fed her his bologna sandwich, nearly choking her. Eunice and Ed ask how she knows he did that. Maggie says it was reported by Bubba’s brother Billy Joe. Mama says she’d steal chicken salad too if all she got was bologna every day. The students were asked to draw pictures of their home life and Bubba drew mean looking parents menacing himself as a little black dot. Maggie says it indicates that he feels insignificant at home. Ed asks, “What the hell’s he doin in art class anyway? Next thing he’ll be doin is hair dressin!” Maggie says she’s trying to draw their attention to the fact that he drew himself as a dot. Ed says Bubba’s always been frail. Mama says, “That’s cause he don’t get enough to eat”. Maggie says she can’t overemphasize the importance of an open, loving home climate. Mama and Ed start looking at Eunice and she feels like she’s being blamed and so she storms out but comes back a minute later. She apologizes and says she takes things way too seriously sometimes. Mama tells her she does take things way to seriously. Eunice tells her, “That’s what I just said! Didn’t you hear me say that?” Eunice says she’s both mama and papa to those boys and the only discipline comes from her. Ed says he’s walloped them plenty of times but he can’t stay home all the time. “I’m easier on them than my papa was on me. I didn’t enjoy those wallopins but he made a man out of me!” Mama says, “I think he was a couple of wallopins short!” Maggie says, “None of you seem to realize that without responsible parental guidance your son is headed for big trouble!” Eunice starts crying and says, “I just wasn’t meant ta have boys! I just can’t handle boys!” She complains that both times when she was wheeled into the delivery room she prayed for a beautiful little girl that she could dress up in pretty dresses like she never had but both times she ended up with a big, fat, awful boy. “And my figures never been the same!” Mama says, “I warned you that if you married this big bozo you was gonna wind up givin birth to a bunch of freaks!” Eunice accuses Mama of always favouring her sister Ellen like when Ellen shot her with a squirt gun she just told Eunice to be a good sport. But when Eunice dropped a water balloon on Anne Marie Bitner, Mama threatened to send her to reform school. Mama reminds her that there’s a big difference between a squirt gun and a water bomb and Eunice almost gave Anne Marie a concussion. Maggie shouts for them all to sit down. She says when she first met Bubba she thought he was the most hateful bully she had ever met, but having met his parents she has only sympathy for him. A belligerent insensitive father, a selfish mother, and an uncaring bitter grandmother. “These are the people he has to come home to every day!” Mama says, “I don’t live with them!” Maggie says, “That’s one small mercy for Bubba”. She says they’re going to make a better life for Bubba, even if she has to come to their house every day and knock their heads together. She tells them to come back next week. They try to protest but she shouts for them to get out. After they leave Maggie says, “Og Bubba, we’ve got a lot of work to do!” 

            In the final musical and dance number everybody plays stage hands on the Carol Burnett set. Carol and Maggie sing the 1974 song “Showbiz” by Dennis Tracy. Harvey sings “Be a Clown” by Cole Porter from the 1948 film The Pirate. Vicki sings “Let Me Entertain You” by Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim from the 1959 musical Gypsy. There’s a dance segment and one dancer lies on her back on a table while Tim stands on the table on his knees holding a tablecloth so that when the dancer kicks her legs it looks like Tim is doing the can-can. Carol holds a hammer like a microphone and sings “There’s No Business Like Show Business” by Irving Berlin from the 1946 musical Annie Get Your Gun. Carol and Maggie finish alone with a return to “Showbiz”. 

            One of the writers for The Carol Burnett Show was Ray Jessel, who was born and raised in Wales. He received a degree in music from the University of Wales. He earned a one year scholarship to study music composition in Paris. He moved to Canada as a young man where he started his show business career as an orchestrator and composer for the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. he co-wrote songs for the Toronto revue Spring Thaw. He moved to New York and co-wrote the songs for the 1964 musical Baker Street. He wrote 34 episodes of The Love Boat, and 32 episodes of Head of the Class. He wrote and produced the TV series The Jacksons. He co-wrote the songs for the 1979 musical I Remember Mama. He wrote scripts and songs for the PBS show The Charlie Horse Music Pizza starring Shari Lewis. He started performing on stage at the age of 72 and developed a cabaret act. He auditioned for America’s Got Talent in 2014 at the age of 84. He won a chance to return again but didn’t appear.

June 23, 1996: I spent Sunday with my daughter

Thirty years ago today

            On Sunday I spent the day with my daughter and Nancy picked her up in the evening.

Cole Porter

            On Saturday morning I recorded through my audio interface to Audacity the video of Jean Pierre Cassel and Jane Birkin singing the parody Serge Gainsbourg wrote of the Johnny Halliday hit “Que je t’aime” (That I Love You). I extracted it to my hard drive and then uploaded it to Sonix to get a transcript, which I copied. I also discovered that “Je t’aime aussi” the Gainsbourg parody of his own “Je’ t’aime moi non plus” is also available on YouTube as is another parody of it he wrote called “Ça”. So I have two more parodies to transcribe and three to translate. 

            I weighed 89.7 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since June 9. 

            I played my Martin during song practice for the second of four sessions and as usual it went out of tune for every song.

            Around midday I went over to Vina Pharmacy and asked for them to renew my Betaderm prescription. Then I went to No Frills where the cherries were $4.34 a kilo so I bought seven bags. I also got some bananas, a pack of five-year-old cheddar, a pack of two T-bone steaks, three bags of skim milk, some lemon dish detergent, a box of spoon sized shredded wheat, a jug of lemonade, a jug of orange juice, a small container of PC skyr (because that was all they had), two bags of Miss Vickie’s chips, and a pack of toilet paper.

            I weighed 90.2 kilos at 14:30. I had peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar on saltines with a glass of lemonade. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride to Ossington and Bloor. 

            I weighed 90.6 kilos at 17:50. I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still behind at suppertime.

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, french fries, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 9, episode 8 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone says her father wants to know how Carol stays so slim. She says to tell her father to lay off the beer and pizza. 

            Someone asks for Carol’s ethnic background. She says she’s Irish, English, Dutch, some German, and part Cherokee. Everybody seems to think they are part Cherokee. 

            Harvey and Carol are in a restaurant and Harvey orders champagne because he wants it to be a special evening. He tries to tell her how he feels about her but she starts laughing. He thinks she’s laughing at him but she assures him she’s not. He starts to propose but she laughs even harder. She points out that there’s a man at another table with whipped cream on his nose and she keeps on laughing. Harvey can’t get her to listen to his feelings. Everybody else starts laughing as well. He’s about to call off the engagement until Carol gets whipped cream on her nose as well and Harvey begins to laugh but she doesn’t think it’s funny.

            Carol brings out Roddy McDowall. She tells him his enunciation is impeccable. He says it’s purely a matter of training. All English actors are weaned on Peter Piper’s practical principals of plain and perfect pronunciation. She says it’s not so simple for someone from San Antonio. He says it’s just a matter of a little re-education of the lips and tongue. He says to try saying “The seething sea ceaseth and thus the seething sea sufficeth us”. Then he says, “Theophilus Thistledown, the successful thistle sifter in sifting a sieve of un-sifted thistles thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb. Now if Theophilus Thistledown, the successful thistle sifter, in sifting a sieve of un-sifted thistles thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb see that thou, in sifting a sieve full of unsifted thistles, thrust not three thousand thistles through the thick of thy thumb.” He asks Carol to say “toy boat” over and over and it doesn’t take long to fumble it. She hears someone in the audience laugh loudly at this so she gets him to do it and also fail. They begin to sing a tongue twisting song. “Billy Button bought a buttered biscuit. Did Billy Button buy a buttered biscuit? If Billy Button bought a buttered biscuit, where's the buttered biscuit Billy Button bought?” Roddy says to try, “Captain Crackscom cracked his cousin’s cockscomb”. Carol does, “Betty Botta bought some butter; “But,” said she, “this butter’s bitter! If I put it in my batter It will make my batter bitter. But a bit o’ better butter Will but make my batter better. Then she bought a bit o’ butter better than the bitter butter, made her bitter batter better so ’twas better Betty Botta bought a bit o’ better butter.” Roddy does, “A flea and a fly in a flue were imprisoned, so what could they do? Said the fly, "let us flee!” “Let us fly!" said the flea so they flew through a flaw in the flue.” He adds that the following is piece de resistance: “Moses supposes his toeses are roses; but Moses supposes erroneously, for nobody's toeses are roses or posies, as Moses supposes his toeses to be.” Carol and Roddy turn it into a beat poem. Then they sing a finish about tongue twisters in general.

            Vicki plays a waiter named Sally in a diner. Harvey and Tim enter boisterously and tell Sally her two boyfriends are back. She says, “Well if it ain’t Don Juan and Don half a Juan”. Harvey slaps her ass and she tells him to keep his paws to himself. They sit down and Tim says he’s getting divorced tomorrow and then the competition between him and Harvey is going to get stiff. Harvey says he’s been divorced for a whole year so he has a lot more experience. There are plenty of fish in the ocean for a man’s man like Harvey. He says he’s a loner and he likes it. He opens the menu and holds it up to his face to hide his crying but Tim sees him and says he’s acting like a sissy. Harvey says he can’t help it because he’s so lonely. Tim tells him to straighten up but then somebody plays Tim’s wife’s favourite song and he begins to break down in tears. Their food arrives but they are too upset to eat. They leave and Sally tells the other waiter she could fall for either one of those two but they just don’t take love seriously. 

            Roddy enters a factory, punches a clock, and puts on a blue coat. Carol, followed by Tim does the same. They stand on an assembly line, Roddy with a drill, Carol with a hammer, and Tim with a wrench. Identical rectangles of metal roll by, Roddy drills a hole, Carol hammers a nail partially into it, and Tim turns it with a wrench. As they work, Carol tells Roddy she wants a divorce because there’s somebody else. They have a coffee break and Roddy says, “If I ever find out who he is I’ll kill him!” Carol pours a cup of coffee and says she’ll never tell him. Then she turns and hands the coffee to Tim as she says, “Here sweetheart”. Back to work, Roddy goes crazy with his drill and starts drilling everything. Their boss (played by Harvey) comes in and tells Carol and Roddy to come to his office, leaving Tim at the belt, which has not stopped and he tries to do all three jobs by himself but can’t keep up. Carol and Roddy return and now they are back in love. Tim walks over to try to talk with them but gets caught on the belt and drilled and hammered by Roddy and Carol who are still busy making up and not paying attention. 

            Vicki is working in an office by herself and Tim is outside washing the window. Suddenly Tim’s scaffold rope slips and he’s hanging on precariously while shouting “Help!” She begins to sing the 1965 song “For Once in My Life” by Ron Miller and Orlando Murden that was a big hit for Stevie Wonder. Just as she’s finishing the song Tim has almost secured himself but he uses both hands to applaud and falls. 

            They do a parody of the film The Little Foxes. Roddy plays the wealthy Morris Gibbons who has a weak heart. Harvey plays Morris’s brother in law Bosco. Vicki plays Bosco’s wife Burly. Tim plays their son Theo. Carol plays Morris’s wife Regina. They are all waiting impatiently for Morris to die so they can have his money. They all hit Theo and when they don’t he hits himself. Morris has had a heart attack but he survived and as long as he takes his heart medicine he could be alive for a long time. Regina arranges for Morris to be brought home so she can speed his demise. The butler wheels Morris in and then hits Theo. Morris hits Theo weakly but he still tumbles up the stairs. Morris wonders why Regina didn’t visit him for the year he was in the hospital, which is just across the street. He says she could have at least waved. He tells her he’s going to cut her out of his will. She suddenly shouts “Surprise!” and he has another heart attack but gets his medicine in time. Bosco bursts through the door to see if Morris is dead yet but Regina says he’s not. Bosco exclaims, “Chitlins!” and it’s obviously an ad lib because Carol has to suppress a laugh. Regina screams in Morris’s ear and he has another heart attack. She pours his heart medicine into a house plant and it perks up. Morris collapses on the floor. She thinks he’s dead but he gets up again and tries to climb the stairs but tumbles back down. When she thinks it’s over he gets up again but falls once more. Bosco, Burly, and Theo come in. They get the key to his desk where keeps the will from Morris’s body. Regina opens it and everything has been left to Burly. But in the event of her demise it would go to Bosco. Burly asks, “What’s demise?” and Bosco shoots her. But if Bosco dies the estate would go to Theo. Theo reaches inside Bosco’s waistcoat and causes him to shoot himself. If Theo dies the money goes to Regina. Theo shoots himself. Regina opens the safe and a cannon pops out to kill her. Then Morris gets up, in perfect health. 

            They finish the show with a mini-musical featuring the songs of Cole Porter. But they do it in 18th Century costume with musical and vocal inflections from that era. It begins with a minuet to the tune of “Anything Goes” from the 1934 musical of the same name. Carol and Roddy sing “It’s De-Lovely” from the 1936 musical Red Hot and Blue while passing out hors d’oeuvres. But Roddy is kissing some of the women so Carol sings “Why Can’t You Behave?” from the 1948 musical Kiss Me Kate (for which Porter won two Tony Awards) . Harvey and Vicki arrive (perhaps they are King Louis and Marie Antoinette). Harvey sings “Love For Sale” from the 1930 musical The New Yorkers (the song was banned from many radio stations in its day) . Then he and Vicki sing “Let’s Do It Let’s Fall In Love” from the 1928 musical Paris. Carol responds to Harvey with “I Hate Men” from Kiss Me Kate. Harvey takes her in his arms and returns to “Love For Sale” and they walk away arm in arm. Vicki sings to Roddy “All of You” from the from the 1955 musical Silk Stockings. Roddy sings to her “Let’s Be Buddies” from Anything Goes. Vicki returns to “All of You” while bouncing on his lap. He sings “You Do Something to Me” from the 1929 musical Fifty Million Frenchmen. Carol stumbles back into the room without Harvey but with her clothing somewhat in disarray as she sings, “Just One of Those Things” from the 1935 musical Jubilee. Roddy joins in the same song, changing his affections from Vicki to Carol. Harvey comes in and grabs Carol from behind while Vicki does the same to Roddy. Carol and Roddy sing to each other, and Vicki and Harvey to each other, “Always True to You In My Fashion” from Kiss Me Kate. Everyone returns to “Anything Goes”. Carol and Roddy sing “From This Moment On” from Kiss Me Kate. Then everybody finishes with “Anything Goes”. 

            Cole Porter was raised on a 750 acre fruit ranch. He began studying piano when he was 8 at the Marion Conservatory. He started writing songs at the age of 10 and his first was “Song of the Birds”. He entered Yale in 1909 and joined the glee club, eventually becoming president. He brought an upright piano with him to school. He published his first song “Bridget McGuire” in 1910. He wrote over 300 songs at Yale alone. As a football cheerleader he wrote the football fight songs “Yale Bulldog Song” and “Bingo Eli Yale”, which are still sung there. He graduated with a BA. His first song to be sung on Broadway was “Esmerelda” for the 1915 revue Hands Up. His first Broadway production was the 1916 flop See America First. he moved to Paris during WWI and claimed to have joined the French Foreign Legion, which the Legion itself claims to be true. He is said to have entertained the troops with a portable piano that he carried on his back. All through the war he maintained a luxury apartment in Paris where he held decadent parties. He studied music composition in Paris. In 1919 he married the very wealthy Linda Lee Thomas who knew he was gay and they threw lavish parties in their home in Paris. His first big hit was “Old Fashioned Garden” from the 1919 revue Hitchy Koo. In 1923 he inherited millions from his grandfather and he and Linda moved to Venice into the former home of Elizabeth and Robert Browning. They once hired the entire Ballet Russes for a party. His ballet Within the Quota was one of the earliest symphonic jazz based compositions. They built an extravagant floating nightclub that could accommodate 100 guests for their spectacular balls. Paris in 1928 was his first hit Broadway musical. He wrote “Let’s Misbehave” for the show but it was dropped. His 1929 show Wake Up and Dream was a hit in London but less so in New York because of the stock market crash. His 1929 show Fifty Million Frenchmen was bombing until Irving Berlin saved it with a great review. Gay Divorce in 1932 featured the song “Night and Day” and was adapted into the film The Gay Divorcee. He considered his 1934 show Anything Goes (containing “I Get a Kick Out of You” and “You’re the Top”, along with his later one Kiss Me Kate to be his two perfect shows. Anything Goes featured Ethel Merman whose voice he loved. He wrote many songs with her voice in mind. In 1934 he wrote “Don’t Fence Me In” but it wasn’t a hit until it was sung by Roy Rogers in 1944. In 1937 he was injured in a horseback riding accident and confined to a wheelchair for five years, during which time wrote Broadway musicals. His 1938 show Leave It To Me featured “My Heart Belongs to Daddy”. In 1939 as WWII was beginning he and Linda closed down their Paris home and moved their things to the Berkshire Mountains in Massachusetts. He kept an apartment in the Waldorf Astoria Tower in New York from 1939 to 1964. His 1940 show Panama Hattie ran for 501 performances. His 1941 show Let’s Face It ran for 547 performances. In 1948 Kiss Me Kate ran for 1,077 performances. Linda died in 1954. In 1958 his right leg was amputated. He hated it when singers changed his lyrics such as Frank Sinatra doing “I Get a Kick Out of You” and adding “Ya give me a boot”. he wrote over 900 songs. His estate continues to earn more than $3 million a year, which is divided among various relatives.

June 22, 1996: My five year old daughter spent the weekend

Thirty years ago today

            On Saturday my five year old daughter True began her usual weekend at my place. We went to the playground.

The Pointer Sisters

            On Friday morning I posted on Facebook “The Cannibal Gourmets”, my translation of “Les anthropophages” by Serge Gainsbourg. I then looked for the next Gainsbourg song on my list that I haven’t yet translated usually because I couldn’t find the text or the audio of the song online. I found that the next one is a 1972 parody he wrote of his most famous song “Je t’aime. Moi non plus” but there is no audio for it online. The next song after that is a parody of “Que je t’aime”, which was a big hit for Johnny Halliday (the French Elvis). It was written for a TV show and there is only one video of the performance of the song by Jean Pierre Cassel and Jane Birkin but it’s on INA France, and Clip Grab can’t copy it. I realized though that I can probably just record the audio with Audacity, download that and then upload it to Sonix to get a transcript. I’ll do that tomorrow. 

            I weighed 90.05 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin during song practice and as usual it went out of tune for every song. 

            Around midday I painted the second and final coat of the shade of pink called “crazy in love” onto the top of my bathroom lazy Susan. On Sunday I’ll start painting the flower reliefs on my future bathroom mirror frame with the same hue. 

            I weighed 91.15 before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and on the way back stopped at Freshco. Outside the supermarket I ran into my upstairs neighbour Shawn. He said he’ll help me pressure the landlord into dealing with the bedbugs and he’ll get Darnel, or neighbour in unit 5 to join us. I’m sure my upstairs neighbour David will contribute as well, so that will make 4 out of 7 tenants. 

            At Freshco I bought seven bags of cherries, some bananas, a pack of honey garlic chicken wings (made from honey garlic chickens), two packs of Full City Dark coffee, a jar of salsa, and a lint roller. I price matched the cherries to the No Frills price of $4.34 a kilo. 

            I weighed 90.9 kilos at 18:15. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still behind at suppertime. 

            I had a potato with gravy and a thick slice of roast pork while watching season 9, episode 7 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone asks who designed the set. Carol says it’s Paul Barnes.

            Someone asks what Carol is laughing at when she looks at the back of the room. She says the producers and directors are all in a glass booth back there getting drunk. 

            The first sketch is an episode of Mama’s Family. Mama, Eunice, Ed, and their guest, Ed’s friend Mickey Hart are just finishing supper. Eunice talks everybody into playing charades. She says she doesn’t want to force anybody so Mama says, “Well then let’s not play!” Eunice says it’ll be the men against the women. Each team has to think up two charades. Eunice tries to teach Mama all the signals for movie, a saying, a song, a play, a book, little words, “Th” words, the word “that”, a proper name, sounds like, and syllables. They come up with “Under the Bamboo Tree” and :The Scarlet Pimpernel”. Ed tries to get Mickey to guess “Under the Bamboo Tree”. He gets that it’s a four word song. Ed tries to mime someone being tortured with bamboo shoots under their fingernails but it’s not obvious. He tries to mime “under” but Mickey doesn’t get it and Ed becomes more and more frustrated until he calls him “dumb” and an “idiot”. After that Mickey refuses to play so Ed apologizes to him and they continue. Mickey finally gets “Under” just as the time is up. Mama has to mime “Supplemental Hardware Guide”. She starts with the word “Guide” but all she does is point. She tries to do “Sup” by miming eating. By the time Eunice gets it the time has run out. Next Mickey indicates it’s a movie and Ed immediately guesses The Scarlet Pimpernel because he watched it on TV last night. Eunice tries to mime “Wait Till the Sun Shines Nelly”. She gets wait and that the second word rhymes with “pill” but never guesses “till”. She finally gets “Wait Till the Sun Shines Something” and knows the song but can’t remember “Nelly”. She gets “sounds like belly” but still can’t remember until she finally gets it but they are two minutes over time. Eunice is very upset. She is particularly mad about “supplemental hardware guide” which nobody could get “especially when playing with a dumb cluck like her!” Ed says, “Let’s have another game” and suddenly Eunice is in a good mood again. 

            The Pointer Sisters sing “How Long (Betcha Got a Chick on the Side)” by Anita Pointer, Bonnie Pointer, and David Rubinson from their 1975 album Steppin. 

            Harvey plays a bartender in an empty bar when Carol walks in. She sits at the bar and says “Just make it strong”. He offers her Jack Daniels but she doesn’t want anything with a man’s name on it. She gets a drink and then follows the cliché of pouring out your troubles to a bartender. She talks about a guy who ran out on her after three years and Harvey starts joking. She says they met in Chicago. Harvey says, “The windy city. I knew a chicken there who laid the same egg three times”. She says they were going to get married. Harvey says, “You never know what happiness is until you get married… and then it’s too late”. Carol is mad that he’s joking while she bares her heart. She says she was going to have one last drink before ending it all. Harvey says he had a friend who ended it all by dressing like a pine tree and throwing himself in front of Euell Gibbons (a reference to Gibbons saying that the pine tree is edible). She shouts for him to stop it but he says he can’t because it’s the only way he can keep his sanity when everybody is pouring out their troubles to him. He says he’s got troubles too but has no one to tell them to. She says he can tell them to her. He tells her about a woman he was with who left him. He tried to find somebody else but nobody could hold a candle to her. Carol asks, “Where did you meet her? A dynamite factory?” He tells her she’s all right then asks if she’d care to join him in a cup of coffee. She says, “Sure but do you think we’d both fit?” 

            Tim does his stairs, platform, stool, music stand skit. He starts singing “Just in Time” by Jule Styne and Betty Comden from the 1956 musical Bells Are Ringing but his stool collapses and he tumbles off the platform. 

           Tim does it again, this time without sitting on the stool. He starts singing “Make Someone Happy” by the same writers from the 1960 musical Do Re Me. This times he falls through the platform.

           Harvey plays a DJ who’s a parody of Wolfman Jack called Sheepman Jack. His guests are The Painter Sisters. He says, “I hear you’re a great rock group but they say, no. They don’t do rock but rather standards like “Stardust” and “Body and Soul”. Their influence is The Andrews Sisters. They like Gershwin, Porter, and Broadway songs. They start singing “The Sound of Music” but Jack cuts them off, saying “You can’t sing that here”. He signs off and changes his voice to say he agrees with their taste in music but his listeners wouldn’t. But then the girls reveal that they just do standards for the money and what they really like is rock and roll. 

            Carol and Tim do a silent film. They are two down and out people too poor to buy a hot dog. But Carol sees a sign that reads “Fight Killer Bronco and Win $1” and pushes Tim into the ring. Bronco is much bigger and Tim is getting beat. Carol puts a horseshoe in his glove but now he can barely lift it. Carol helps him cheat and Bronco is knocked out. They win the $1 and buy two hotdogs but see two poor people who are hungry. Carol and Tim give them the buns and keep the dogs. 

            Carol is the bride to be at a bridal shower. Her mother is there played by Vicki and the dancers and The Pointer Sisters play her friends. Carol is drunk and getting drunker. They sing “Get Me to the Church On Time” by Frederick Loewe and Alan Jay Lerner from the 1956 musical My Fair Lady. With the help of the Pointer Sisters the song is done as more of a gospel style number. But by the time they are done Carol is collapsed on the floor. 

            The Pointer Sisters started out singing in their father’s church. While touring and developing their act they also worked as backup singers for recording artists such as Boz Scaggs, Grace Slick, and Elvin Bishop. They started recording in 1971 and their single “Send Him Back” became a Northern Soul classic. They released their self titled album in 1973 and had a hit with “Yes We Can Can” by Allen Toussaint. Their second album in 1974 was That’s a Plenty, which contained the country song “Fairytale” by Bonnie and Anita Pointer. It won the Grammy Award for Best Country Performance by a Group. They became the first black group to perform at the Grand Ol Opry. That year they made their TV debut on The Helen Reddy Show. Their third album in 1975 was Steppin, which gave them the #1 R&B hit “Betcha Got a Chick on the Side”. They co-starred in the movie Car Wash in 1976. In 1976 they provided voices for Pinball Number Count for Sesame Street. Bonnie left the group in 1977 and they became a trio. That year they released their fourth album Having a Party. In 1978 their cover of Bruce Springsteen’s “Fire” from their album Energy was a #2 hit. Their 1980 album Special Things produced the top ten hit “He’s So Shy” by Tom Snow and Cynthia Weil. Their 1981 album Black and White had the top ten hit “Slow Hand” by Michael Clark and John Bettis. Their 1984 album Break Out had two top ten hits with “I’m So Excited, written by the Pointer Sisters and Trevor Lawrence; and “Neutron Dance” by Allee Willis and Danny Sambello, which featured prominently in Beverly Hills Cop. In 1985 they won a Grammy for “Jump” and another for “Automatic”. That year they also performed on the charity hit song “We Are the World”. They hosted the TV special The Pointer Sisters: Up All Nite in 1987. In 1996 they performed in the closing ceremony of the Atlanta Summer Olympics. They had a #2 hit in Belgium in 2005 with a cover of “Sisters Are Doin it for Themselves” by Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart. After June Pointer died in 2006 she was replaced by Ruth’s daughter Issa. They’ve had 13 top 20 hits.

June 21, 1996: I busked, performed then busked again

Thirty years ago today

            On Friday I probably busked and then performed on the Spit Fridays open stage in the back room of the Cameron. Afterward I likely busked again on Queen Street between The Horseshoe Tavern and The Rivoli.

Peter Matz

            On Thursday morning I uploaded “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian to my Christian’s Translations blog and began preparing it for publication. 

            In my Christian’s Translations blog I finished editing “Les anthropophages” (The Cannibals) by Serge Gainsbourg and published it. On Friday I’ll post my translation on Facebook and then move on to my next untranslated Gainsbourg song. 

            I weighed 89.9 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since June 9. 

            I played my Kramer during song practice and it stayed in tune most of the time. 

            Around midday I swept the living room, bathroom and kitchen floors, then cleaned the bathroom sink, toilet and floor. 

            I weighed 91 kilos at 14:15. 

            Nick Cushing came by at around 14:30. We sat at the kitchen table and I shared grapes, potato chips, and lemonade with him while we chatted for a couple of hours. 

            I took a siesta from around 16:15 to 17:45. It was too late for a bike ride and too late to go to the supermarket as I would normally do on a Thursday. I decided I’d go on Friday. 

            I weighed 91.1 kilos at 18:20.

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal and was still behind at suppertime. 

            I had a large potato with gravy and a thick slice of roast pork while watching season 9, episode 5 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup Carol talks about Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip with an audience member from England who says that Philip wanted to be called King Philip. According to my research that’s not true. He was sixth in line for the Greek throne and seventh in line for the Danish crown when he was born, which made kingship for either country highly unlikely even then. Later the monarchy in Greece was eliminated and the line of succession for Denmark was changed to move him out of it entirely. It’s doubtful that he had any illusions about being the king of anything. He also had to renounce any claims to other thrones in order to marry Elizabeth Windsor. Carol says she saw Elizabeth and Philip in Australia and everybody thinks he’s tall but he just looked that way beside Queen Elizabeth who was very short. But he was taller than average at 1.83 meters while the queen was 1.63 meters. 

            Harvey plays a psychiatrist and Carol is his patient. She thinks she’s making progress but keeps breaking down into crying fits. he asks if there is something from her childhood that she feels sad about. She says there was something that happened when she was 8. She had a pale that she loved and was playing with it in the sandbox when a fat kid came and took it from her and wouldn’t give it back. The doctor explains that sometimes overweight children compensate with unnecessary aggression. He says he himself was a chubby child. She says, Not only did he take my pale away but he kicked it and put a dent in it. The doctor asks, “Was this pale blue with a clown on one side?” She looks at him with surprise and says that it was. “Was there a picture of Mini Mouse on the other side?” “Yes!” He asks what was her maiden name and she says “Crenshaw”. He suddenly remembers her from his own childhood and calls out “Crybaby Crenshaw!” She exclaims, “Fatso Hoffman! You took away my pail!” He says, “It was my pail! You sold me your pail! I gave you six pieces of salt water taffy! You said you would give me your pail if I gave you six pieces!” She says, “You waddled up to me with your fat tucked into your daddy’s swim trunks and said, ‘You better give me that pail!’” They take control of themselves briefly and return to their professional relationship but then Carol says, “How can I continue taking therapy from the very man who gave me my hang-ups?” She says if he doesn’t give her back her pail he’s going to tell the patients in his waiting room about him getting expelled from the third grade for drawing dirty pictures on the bathroom wall. He opens a desk drawer, pulls out a pail, and gives it to her. But she says it isn’t her pail because hers had a yellow handle. It has the name of another child they knew on it. She goes to the door and shouts to the patients but he calls her back. He goes to a closet and pulls out another pail but that’s not hers either. She goes the closet and opens it leading to an avalanche of pails. She finds her pail and happily leaves with it. But then she comes back, walks up to him and holds out her hand. He shakes his head but she gestures insistently so he reaches into his vest pocket, pulls out a red shovel and hands it to her. She skips out the door. 

            Tim does his new skit in which he ascends a stairs to a spotlit platform that has a stool, a music stand, and one long stemmed rose in a vase. Above is a boom mic. He begins singing “White Christmas” as he turns the pages of the music and they are all white. 

            Bernadette Peters sings and dances to “He’s the Wizard” by Charlie Smalls from the 1975 musical The Wiz. 

            Harvey plays a police detective in charge of a precinct and trying nab a serial park mugger. Carol’s old woman character comes in and Harvey thinks she’s a vice squad cop in a bad disguise until he tries to pull her wig off and it isn’t one. When he realizes she’s a real old lady she reports that her purse was snatched. Then Tim is roughly brought in by a cop who says he was picked up on suspicion of mugging. Harvey says, “I’ve been waiting to catch one of you guys at this and he throws a punch at the cop who brought Tim in, then says, “There’ll be no police brutality in my department!” Then he apologizes to Tim. Carol says he’s the one that stole her purse but Harvey says she’ll blow the whole case since he hasn’t read him his rights (I think the cop who picked him up in the first place would have read him his rights before they even brought him to the station). Then a purse falls out from inside Tim’s jacket and Carol says it’s hers. Harvey asks if she is accusing Tim of stealing her purse and she says she is. He says it’s a very serious accusation and asks her to prove it’s her purse. She says it matches her hat. Tim says, “What a coincidence!” Harvey says he needs more proof than that and she says she can tell him what’s in it. Tim says he can prove he couldn’t have snatched her purse. He puts the strap over her right shoulder so the purse hands down her left side. Then he tries to grab it but it doesn’t come off and he swings her into a wall, knocking her down. But she says that’s not the way she wears her purse. She hangs it from Tim’s left shoulder the way she wore it and tries to grab it but he grabs the strap with his hand and drags her back to swing her against the wall again. From the floor she says she’s like to drop the charges. Tim says, “Here’s your purse” and tosses it to her. Harvey takes that as an admission of guilt and Tim admits he’s got him. Harvey says not to worry because they’ll get him a free lawyer and his case won’t come up for a couple of years anyway. Then he takes Carol’s purse and tells her they have to hold it as evidence. He won’t even give her the money that’s inside so she can get home. Then Tim pulls a gun and Carol tries to tell Harvey but Tim puts it in her hands and shouts, “She’s got a gun!” Harvey karate chops her. Tim is set free and Carol is arrested. 

            Tim does his stairs to platform to stool, music stand skit and begins singing “Once in Love with Amy” by Frank Lesser from the 1948 musical Where’s Charlie? But the boom mic rises out of sight and a noose is lowered in front of Tim’s face. 

            Tim’s stairs, platform, stool, music stand sketch is repeated. he starts singing “Fools rush in…” and the entire audience gets up and heads for the exit. 

            In a hospital a doctor (played by Harvey) approaches two nurses (played by Bernadette and Vicki) who are standing on each side of Tim who is on a gurney. Bernadette tells the doctor Tim was bitten by a rattlesnake. The doctor tells Bernadette to give him an injection of snake bite serum. She shouts at her because she’s moving too slowly and then leaves. She’s about to inject the serum when Vickie tells her, “If you give him that needle you’re crazy, after the way the doctor spoke to you! I wouldn’t give him a shot until the doctor apologizes!” Bernadette agrees that she has to take a stand. Meanwhile Tim is starting to experience the terminal symptom of blindness. The doctor returns and wants to know why Tim hasn’t been given the serum. Bernadette demands an apology. He says, “Don’t you realize this man could die?” She says, “Don’t change the subject!” “I order you to give this man the injection!” “Over my dead body!” The doctor is about to give him the injection when Vickie says, “Wait till the other doctors find out that a nurse made you back down!” “I didn’t back down!” “You’re giving him the needle aren’t you?” The doctor puts down the needle and says, “Not on you life” then walks away. Vicki says she’ll give Tim his injection just as his body becomes paralyzed but Bernadette stops her and says it will make her look bad and they struggle with the needle until they accidentally inject him. 

            At the end everybody is dressed in period costumes for a number that wasn’t aired as Carol says goodnight. 

            Season 9 was the first time that Carol began giving verbal credit to the show’s orchestra lead Peter Matz. He studied music theory and piano in Paris from 1952 to 1954. He then returned to New York. He provided the dance and vocal arrangements for Harold Arlen’s 1954 Broadway musical House of Flowers. This led to him writing the orchestrations for Arlen’s next musical, Jamaica. He then accompanied Marlene Dietrich’s cabaret act. He arranged the music and accompanied Noel Coward during his 1955 cabaret act in Las Vegas. His work can be heard on the album Noel Coward in Las Vegas. He then worked on Coward’s musical Sail Away. He was nominated for a Tony Award for his music direction for the 1962 musical No Strings. He conducted Barbara Streisand’s first four albums and won a Grammy for arranging her album People. He arranged the albums Liza Liza, It Amazes Me, and The Ethel Merman Disco Album. He was also the music director for the film Funny Lady (for which he was nominated for an Oscar). He won an Emmy for Barbara’s TV special My Name is Barbara. He was the orchestra leader and music director on the shows Hullabaloo, and Kraft Music Hall. He wrote the theme music for Mama’s Family. He composed the soundtracks for the films Bye Bye Braverman, Marlow, Rivals, The Call of the Wild, The Great Houdini, The Last Hurrah, The Private Eyes, Lust in the Dust, and Stepping Out. He won three Emmy Awards and a Grammy.

June 20, 1996: I either worked or busked

Thirty years ago today

            On Thursday if I wasn’t working I might have busked by myself downtown or with Brian Haddon if he wasn’t working.

Shirley MacLaine

            On Wednesday morning I ran through singing “The Eel”, my translation of “L'anguille by Boris Vian. On Thursday I’ll upload it to my Christian’s Translations blog and begin preparing it for publication. 

            I worked out the chords for the last verse and chorus of “Les anthropophages” (The Cannibals) by Serge Gainsbourg. I ran through singing and playing the song in French and English, then I uploaded it to my Christian’s Translations blog. It’s possible I’ll finish the editing process and have it posted tomorrow. 

            I weighed 90 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since June 9.

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it went out of tune a lot more than usual.

            Around midday I painted the first coat of the pink shade called “Crazy in Love” on the top of my bathroom lazy Susan. I’ll do the second and hopefully final coat on Friday. 

            I weighed 91.45 kilos before lunch. I had peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar on saltines with a glass of lemonade. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 90.85 kilos at 17:45. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still behind at suppertime.

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, a sliced bratwurst, and five-year-old cheddar. I kept it warm in the oven because I was waiting for my daughter Astrid to meet me on Discord to watch season 1, episode 5 of Wednesday. We were supposed to meet at 21:00 and I waited until 21:10 but she didn’t show up. She was obviously sleeping because when she’s awake she’s on Discord constantly and playing a game. Discord would have shown what game she was playing if she’d been doing that. 

            I had my bread pizza with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 9, episode 4 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            The first sketch is with Mama’s Family. Mama has been waiting for Eunice and Ed to pick her up because they’re going to a movie. They arrive and Ed brings the blender Mama asked him for. She tells him to put it in the kitchen then tells Eunice that Ed should have worn a tie. Eunice argues that it’ll be dark in the theatre. Mama says the cinema is in her neighbourhood and she wants to be able to hold her head high. Then there’s a crash in the kitchen and Mama heads there saying she’ll never figure out why Eunice married that man. This leads to a flashback to when Eunice and Ed were first dating. He brings her home to where she lives with her parents and she says they’re away for the weekend. He asks if he can come in and they sit on the couch with a couple of Cokes. I guess they went to see the movie Billy Rose’s Diamond Horseshoe as Eunice imitates Betty Grable singing “In Acapulco” from that 1945 film. She suggests that if she’d kept up with her tap dancing lessons she could’ve been a big movie star. She only took two lessons because the teacher wanted everything to be done her way. Ed tells her she’s not like other girls who look down on him because he works in a hardware store. Eunice says hardware is important to the whole world. He tries to kiss her but she resists and asks, “Is it me or my body?” “A little bit of both I guess.” He tries again and she says stop but doesn’t resist and then she hears Mama’s voice calling from the bedroom when Eunice thought her parents were away for the weekend. Mama comes out and gives Ed a very dirty look as she asks, “Who is this clown that you have dragged here off of the streets?” She shouts for her husband Carl to come out here. He says he’s in the bathroom. She asks when he went in there? He says he doesn’t know and asks if she wants him to punch a clock every time he goes to the bathroom. Mama shouts, “Ed Higgins is here and he’s worse than anything we dreamed up!” Eunice tells her Ed is a wonderful man. “What kind of wonderful man creeps into a young girl’s home and starts foolin around right outside her mama’s bedroom?” She barges in on her husband in the bathroom and says there’s an emergency going on. He shouts for her to get out or he’ll knock her through the door. Ed tells Eunice he’d better be going. He says he’ll pick her up on Sunday and take her out to Brush Creek for that picnic. Mama says, “If you think you’re takin my little girl out to Brush Creek you’ve got another think comin! I know what goes on out at Brush Creek!” Ed leaves and Eunice tells Mama she’ll never forgive her because he was about to propose. Mama says, “Well then he’s even dumber than he looks!” Eunice heads out the door and says she’s going to marry Ed. Mama says, “Over my dead body!” Eunice says, “I hope so!” The flashback is over and Eunice decides to tell Mama that she and Ed got married because they had to. Mama shocks Eunice by saying, “Welcome to the club”. 

            Carol brings out Shirley MacLaine and the two of them take turns reading funny fan mail letters they’ve received. Carol reads a letter a ten year old girl wrote to her saying how much she loves her but also sends a picture of herself on the back of which is written, “To my very favourite, Lucille Ball”. Shirley reads one: “Whenever my friends talk about actresses they can’t stand, I always stick up for you”. Another writes, “Dear Shirley. You are my idol because we are so much alike. My brother got all the looks in the family too”. A reference to Shirley’s brother Warren Beatty. Carol and Shirley do a song about fan mail and stop singing sometimes to quote more of the letters. Another fan tells Shirley what a wonderful dancer she is. She adds that she’s a singer and she’s found a wonderful voice teacher who’s helped her. She suggests she could do the same for Shirley. 

            Queen Elizabeth (played by Carol) and Prince Philip (played by Harvey) are trying to enter Buckingham Palace but they are stopped by a Queen’s Guard (played by Tim not even trying to do an accent) who won’t let them in unless they give the password. Elizabeth insists, “But I am your queen!” He checks a list and says, “That’s not it”. Philip tells him the queen has to get to the throne. Elizabeth recognizes the guard as the soldier who saved his entire platoon by swallowing a live hand grenade. He now has no internal organs and is completely hollow. She proves it by walking over to him, opening his mouth and calling, “Hello!” There is a big echo. Philip tries to give him a shilling but he says for him to stick it in his ear. The queen tells him his refusal of money is commendable. He says what he wants is a popsicle. By coincidence an ice cream salesman on a bicycle rides up. The queen says they want a popsicle and the salesman asks “What flavour”. Tim says, “Buffalo”. The seller says, “There’s no such thing as a buffalo flavoured popsicle”. Tim says he’ll take a double cone instead with one scoop of antelope sherbet and one scoop of goat hoof ice cream. The queen says, “You’re out of your gourd guard!” Philip calls from the seller’s cart and says he sees a buffalo popsicle way in the back. Tim hands the queen his gun and goes over to lean down and look. Philip kicks him inside and the seller pedals away with him while he and the queen enter the palace. 

            Shirley plays a mother new to a neighbourhood and she is having a drink with a neighbour (played by Carol) after their sons’ little league game. Shirley is talking about how much fun the boys had but Carol is bitter because their team lost. She reminds Shirley that her Billy’s fumble cost them the game. Shirley says, “I hope my baby doesn’t feel too bad”. Carol says he should feel bad. Shirley argues that it’s only a game. Carol says, “Wall Street is a game, insurance is a game, but baseball isn’t a game!” The waiter overhears that Shirley is the mother of the kid that blue the game and he is disgusted. Shirley says her son is 8 years old and shouldn’t go to jail for dropping a ball. Carol says, “What about the three strike-outs?” Carol asks how the parents can face each other knowing their kids are losers? Shirley shouts, “Our kids are not losers!” Carol says she’s right, “It’s your kid who’s the loser!” The coach comes in (played by Harvey) and he’s very upset about the game loss and refers to Billy as a little creep. Carol says he’s a child psychiatrist. He says to the bartender while making a fist, “If I ever get that kid on my couch…!” He finds out Shirley is Billy’s mother and goes over to say, “Nice goin lady!” He asks her what she’s going to do about it. Shirley says, “We are talking here about tiny, undeveloped minds… Namely yours! It’s how you play the game that counts!” Carol looks at her with a stunned expression and tells her, “You’re sick!” Harvey tells her Billy is off the team. Shirley says, “It’s not the first time”. She recounts how in New York a ground ball went between Billy’s legs. The only thing they could do after that was move to Syracuse. But the same thing happened again and her husband had to sell his business again and they moved again to Jacksonville. But it happened again and now they are in Paducah. But Billy loves the game even though he stinks at it. Suddenly both Carol and Harvey are sympathetic and Harvey says Billy is back on the team. They leave and Billy comes in. She’s a little girl. 

            Harvey plays himself standing in front of a large painting and speaking to the camera about a drummer named Warren Holt that it depicts (played by Tim) who was instrumental in a battle 200 years ago during the Revolutionary War. The moral of the revolutionary troops was low but his drumming led his fellow soldiers ever forward, even into the face of enemy cannon fire. The painting is alive and the cannon fire actually causes the soldiers to run away. Warren is separated from his fellow soldiers. He listens to Harvey to hear what’s going to happen next. Before he could reach his comrades he was set upon by a roving band of divorcees who were making their way westward in a covered massage parlour. Harvey says, “But he broke free!” Warren says to Harvey, “No, he went with the girls”. He puts the drum over Harvey’s head and runs away with the three women.

            Carol is standing in an elegant gown in front of several mirrors. She sings about being dressed up but only pretending to have a life of glamour. Shirley appears as her reflection and sings how she is pretty and glamourous. Shirley sings that she’s what Carol is inside and she steps out of the mirror. They sing the song “Gorgeous” by Sheldon Harnick and Jerry Bock from the 1966 musical The Apple Tree. They sing about the type of man they’d like to dance with and two men in tuxedoes appear to dance with them. Shirley show off her dance skills with her partner and then there are several partners. She finishes as Carol’s reflection and they finish the song “Gorgeous”. 

            Shirley MacLaine’s mother was a Canadian from Nova Scotia. Shirley studied ballet from the age of 3 and was the tallest in her class so she was cast in the boys’ parts. She played baseball on a boys team and held the home run record. She made her acting and Broadway debut in Me and Juliet in 1954. In 1955 she was an understudy to Carol Haney in The Pajama Game when Carol sustained an injury and Shirley filled in. That night movie producer Hal B. Wallis was in the audience because Jerry Lewis had urged him to come and see Shirley and he signed Shirley for a five year contract with Paramount. Three months later she starred in Alfred Hitchcock’s The Trouble with Harry. She co-starred in Artists and Models, Around the World in 80 Days, Ask Any Girl, Hot Spell, Some Came Running (her first Academy Award nomination), Career, The Children’s Hour, Can-Can, What a Way To Go, Two Mules for Sister Sara, The Sheepman, The Matchmaker, The Apartment (second Oscar nomination), All In a Night’s Work, Irma La Douce (third Oscar nom), Woman Times Seven, Bernie, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Turning Point (her fourth Oscar nom), Being There, A Change of Seasons, Loving Couples, Postcards from the Edge, Bruno, Two Loves, The Yellow Rolls Royce, Carolina, Bewitched, In Her Shoes, Rumour Has It, She starred in John Goldfarb Please Come Home, Gambit, The Bliss of Mrs. Blossom, Desperate Characters, The Possession of Joel Delaney, My Geisha, Sweet Charity, Waiting for the Light, Terms of Endearment (for which she finally won the Oscar), Madame Sousatzka, Used People, Wrestling Ernest Hemingway, Get Bruce, The Dress Code, Mrs. Winterbourne, Wild Oats, American Dreamer, Steel Magnolias, Guarding Tess, The Evening Star, Closing the Ring, Elsa and Fred, The Last Word, Noelle, She was an honourary member of The Rat Pack. She starred in the short-lived sitcom Shirley’s World, She wrote, directed, and starred in the documentary The Other Half of the Sky: A China Memoir (nominated for a Best Documentary Oscar). She authored the books Out On a Limb, Dancing In the Light, Dance While You Can, Out On a Leash, Don’t Fall Off the Mountain, Going Within, You Can Get There from Here, It’s All in the Playing, I’m Over That and Other Confessions; The Camino, Out on a Leash, Sageing While Ageing, She has the same birthday as Barbara Streisand and they celebrate together every year. she had affairs with Danny Kaye and Robert Mitchum. She said she was not attracted to Jack Lemmon because he was not dangerous and complicated. Yves Montand bet her husband he could seduce her and won. William Peter Blastty based his character of Chris O’Neil in his book the Exorcist on Shirley.

June 19, 1996: I performed at Fat Albert's and the Art Bar

Thirty years ago today

            On Wednesday night I performed on the open stages of Fat Albert’s and the Art Bar reading series.

Wendi Smallwood

            On Tuesday morning I ran through singing and playing “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian and made some chord adjustments. On Wednesday I’ll run through singing and playing my translation. 

            I worked out the chords for all but the last verse and chorus of “Les anthropophages” (The Cannibals) by Serge Gainsbourg. On Wednesday I’ll finish it, then run through singing and playing the song in French and English, then upload it to my Christian’s Translations blog to prepare it for publication.

            I weighed 90.05 kilos before breakfast. 

            I saw from the many tributes being posted on Facebook that Wendi Smallwood lost her battle with cancer. I came to know Wendi when we were both working as models at the Ontario College of Art probably back in the 90s. She was always very friendly with me and we chatted on many occasions during our breaks. I think she was related in some way to the famous Newfoundland politician Joey Smallwood. She went back to Newfoundland and had some success as an actor. The last time I saw Wendy was on May 29, 2018 at a poetry reading in Toronto. I had just performed and then the host introduced Wendi from Newfoundland. “Wendi? I know a Wendi from Newfoundland! Could it be Wendi Smallwood? It was Wendi Smallwood! From Wendi’s poem: ‘My mother cleaned the toilet with Pinesol … resin thick … disinfecting … rubber gloved … pouring it undehydrated … cushioning … nostrils flared … fingers smudging spit … hand dipping, swirling … toboggan … body rigid … elbow bent back … flushed.’ We took a break and I went to the washroom. On the way back I looked for Wendi, whom I hadn’t seen since she left for Newfoundland many years ago, although we became friends on Facebook a few years after that. We met and came to know each other from both working as art models at various studios and schools around Toronto. I saw her walking towards me and we embraced. We chatted for a while and then she went to the washroom. When the readings were over I left the church, but on my way to my bike I heard Wendi, who was outside smoking, call to me. We spent at least half an hour getting caught up. She said she was in Toronto for a few reasons. She said something about doing a one-woman show called Resurrecting Mary as part of Women From the Future at the Factory Theatre from June 21-24. She also said something about representing Newfoundland at the ACTRA conference in Toronto and that they paid for her trip and her hotel, even though she’s staying at her son’s place. She told me that getting work on television in Newfoundland is very difficult because the production company that handles The Republic of Doyle, instead of using local actors actually brings in actors from the mainland and hires vocal coaches for them so they’ll sound like local actors. Our conversation got interrupted by someone in the street that was arguing with a short guy with a beard and glasses that was standing on the sidewalk. The street person didn’t like the fact that the short guy was speaking to him in a monotone. Then he asked everybody for change. Someone offered him the rest of her bag of chips but he said he was cautious about being poisoned. The short guy said he’d give him some money but first he would have to listen to him. I don’t think the guy realized he was beyond listening. “Wendi walked east. She would be in town for another month. 

            “On June 26, I was back at the poetry reading and when the event was finished, after I’d packed up my stuff and left, outside the church was Wendi Smallwood, so I stopped to talk with her. I asked her why she hadn’t read a poem and she explained that she’d just finished her show and hadn’t felt like getting up on a stage again right away. She complained that from her seat at the back she’d had a problem hearing a lot of the people that used the microphone. I was glad to have her tell me that despite the fact that I don’t use a mic she heard me loud and clear”. 

            During song practice I played my Martin and it went out of tune for every song. 

            Around midday I finished the second and final coat of the shade of pink called “crazy in love” on the bottom of my bathroom lazy Susan. Tomorrow I’ll do the first coat on the top. 

            I weighed 91.45 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took to Long and McQuade the RCA output cable that runs from my stereo receiver to the extension cable that connects to the adaptor that connects to the stereo breakout that connects to my audio interface. It was the last link in the chain that was decades old as I’d replaced all the other cables recently. I asked one of the guys in the audio department to test it to see if it was faulty. I was surprised to find out that the test wasn’t as easy to do with RCA cables as it was with the cable adaptor and the extension cable they’d tested before. It took at least ten minutes for two guys to gather two sound boards that they needed to use for the test. It was such a big production that I felt like I had a couple of roadies. Finally they found that the black RCA jack had a much weaker signal so I bought a replacement for $15 and change. 

            I rode downtown and I was stopped at the lights at Spadina and Bloor when a dishevelled guy with a scraggly beard came up and spoke my name. When he said he was Danny I recognized Danny Blue who I used to see with his guitar performing his songs back in the 90s. He said he doesn’t gig anymore but he sometimes sits in and plays where others are playing. I reminded him that I was still friends with him on Facebook but he told me that page is dead because Facebook screwed him out of it. Now he’s on Facebook as Danny Wilson. 

           On the way back stopped at Freshco where I bought seven bags of green grapes for $4.39 a kilo and paid $26. 

           When I got home I connected my new RCA cable and recorded the radio on Audacity. At last I had waveforms for both channels and no fading out of the right one. The right one was slightly lower in volume than the left but not enough to be concerned about. The gain just has to be slightly higher for the right channel to make equal sized waveforms. 

            I weighed 90.8 kilos at 18:15. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal. 

            I made a new batch of gravy with roast pork drippings and had some with a potato and a slice of roast pork while watching season 9, episode 3 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone asks Carol if she remembers her first kiss. She says it was from a dog. 

            In the first skit, Harvey plays a concert pianist who tells the audience that for the first time he would be performing a duet with one of his students. There are two grand pianos facing each other and Tim comes out to play the other one. There is no speaking during this skit. Tim takes a long time getting started because he has to crack every one of his fingers and his nose first. Tim indicates that he can’t read the music because the light is bad so Harvey switches pianos with him. Harvey starts but Tim is having trouble figuring out where he comes in. It seems he has the wrong music and when he plays it, Harvey pushes his piano against Tim’s. Tim gets up and breaks the front leg from Harvey’s piano so now it’s tilted upward so he has to stand and play. Harvey walks over and breaks the music desk from Tim’s piano over his head. Tim kicks out the last two legs of Harvey’s piano so now he has to play on his knees. Harvey slams the keyboard cover from Tim’s piano onto his fingers. Tim jumps into the body of Harvey’s piano and while he’s standing there, every time Harvey hits a key it makes Tim jump. So Harvey jumps on his own keyboard and launches Tim into the air to land inside his own piano. 

            Cher sings the 1974 song “Just This One Time” by Jimmy Webb. 

            Carol comes out and she and Cher talk about how great it is to have their own variety shows because of all the staff one has to help out from production down to makeup. Carol says they are the only two women with variety shows and Cher adds that they are also both Taurus and have the same initials… sometimes. They sing a duet that I assume was written for the show about how the world would be a better place if everybody had a variety show. The repeated word in the song is “variety” and they go into the audience with their microphones to get various members to sing “Variety!” 

            Harvey comes home with Carol who is made down to look as plain and unattractive as possible. She’s also extremely shy about being there because she knows this is a place he shares with his wife. She’s very nervous but he tells her that when his wife comes in he’s going to tell her that it’s over and he wants a divorce so he can marry Carol. Carol says to not tell his wife that he’s seen her in pajamas without the feet. Cher arrives, playing Harvey’s wife and looking extremely elegant. She seems indifferent to his other woman and asks if he found her in obedience school. She says, “Another woman I can take Victor but this?” “What’s wrong with her?” Carol urges Victor not to ask that question because his wife will tell him. She offers Carol and drink and she asks for a Gatorade. Cher gives her straight Scotch. Cher says Carol looks like someone dumped a Goodwill truck on her. “You bring that into my house and only two days after I’ve cleaned it?” Victor asks how she can talk like that and Cher admits it’s because she’s desperate. She says she’s just an ordinary housewife and can’t compete with Carol. She begs her not to take her husband away. Victor suddenly is moved by Cher’s plea and wants to be back with her. They decide to take a second honeymoon, ignoring Carol so much they even knock her over. Carol gets hit by the door on their way out and again when Victor opens it to say goodbye to her. 

            They do parodies of the commercials of the year. 

            Carol is playing cards with Cher and another friend. Her voiceover says, “Imagine my embarrassment when I stood but my pantyhose didn’t. She sneaks away with them down to her ankles. Cher says, “Someone ought to tell Madge about her coffee!” 

            At a party, Carol and Harvey (as Jim) are sitting on the couch finishing their coffee. Cher approaches Jim and asks if he’s like another cup and says she has one in the bedroom. He enthusiastically follows her away. Carol says, “That’s funny! Jim never wants a second cup of coffee!”

            On "As the Stomach Turns", Marian is unsatisfied. She says she has financial security and even has two two two mints in one. She says, “It seems any Gypsy tramp or thief has more fun than I have!” The doorbell rings and it’s Cher in her long First Nations appropriated war bonnet, wearing low on the hip white jeans and gold halter top with her midriff exposed. Marian says, “It’s Pocahontas Perelli the town half breed. Half Native North American and half dressed!” Poc tells Marian she knows there’s something missing in her life from reading her bumper sticker that says, Welcome Shriners”. She says she too was unfulfilled until she got her hair done by Warren Pretty at The House of Shampoo” (a reference to Warren Beatty and his hit film Shampoo). Marian says she hears he’s quaffed every woman in town but her. Pocahontas tells her if she uses her name she’ll get a reservation. Poc says, “I’ll be going now Marian”. Marian says, “You’d better!” Soon Warren Pretty (played by Tim) crashed through the door on his motorcycle. He’s in pain because he’s been riding with a blower in his pants. He asks if she’s ever had a pageboy. She smiles and nods. Vicki arrives as the rich Beverly Hillsdale wearing a wig that mostly covers her face. She hasn’t got a lot of time because she has to go to her Primal Scream class. She wants a touch-up for the Farewell to the Maharishi event tonight so Warren takes her before Marian. Then Mother Marcus (Harvey’s Jewish mother drag character) comes in. Warren looks at her large bosom and says, “That’s far out!” He wants to give her a bob. The announcer asks if Beverly needs Zen Buddhism, Transcendental Meditation, or a shot in the mouth? 

            Carol introduces the greatest rock band of all, The Who What Where How and Why. The Ernie Flatt Dancers pretend to be in a band, with Vicki on drums and looking a lot like she’s really playing them. Carol and Cher play the two lead singers. They sing a song about being superstars that was obviously written just for this bit. Then they do a song about gold records and silver platform shoes with lyrics like, “Bette Midler eat your heart out” and “Alice Cooper hang up your snake”. Harvey pretends to do a guitar solo. Tim imitates Elton John.