June 3, 1996: I posed for final projects at OCA

Thirty years ago today

            On Monday I probably posed for final assignments at the Ontario College of Art so there was very little instruction and classes often ended early.

Ernie Anderson

            On Monday morning I revised my translation of the fifth verse of “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian. 

            I worked out the chords for the first two verses of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. All the verses seem to have the same chords and there is no chorus so there’s a good chance the song will be done tomorrow. 

            I weighed 90.3 kilos before breakfast. 

            During song practice I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio and it stayed in tune almost half the time. About halfway through I had another toilet emergency. After a large bowel movement the toilet was plugged and the shitty water was rising. I had to grab a salad bowl to scoop up some of the water and pour it into the bathroom sink but that plugged the sink with shit and after it was full I had to pour the water in the tub. I managed to plunge the toilet clear without wearing a hole in my hand like I did a few weeks ago. Once the toilet was clear I had to plunge the sink and transfer the shit back to the toilet. I poured bleach down the sink and also cleaned the salad bowl with bleach. When I returned to song practice I had to shorten some of the songs so I wouldn’t be too far behind. 

            I weighed 91.25 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 90.45 kilos at 18:00. 

            I was still behind in my journal and worked on getting caught up. I was about half a day behind at suppertime. 

            I grilled a strip loin steak and had it with a potato and gravy while watching season 8, episode 5 of The Carol Burnett Show. Lyle Waggoner has left the show and Ernie Anderson is the new announcer.

            During the audience warmup, someone asks Carol if her measurements are the same as Cher’s since Bob Mackie makes costumes for both Carol’s show and Sonny and Cher’s. Carol says her measurements are the same as Sonny’s. 

            The Smothers Brothers perform the traditional “The Nightingale’s Song”. Dick starts singing while playing the upright bass as Tommy plays guitar. But suddenly Dick stops to tell Tommy that he didn’t come in and that it’s supposed to be a duet. Tommy says he doesn’t know the words. Dick says he doesn’t have to know the words. Dick tells the audience this is a madrigal and madrigals have been around for 600 years. Dick asks why they’ve been singing madrigals for 600 years. Tommy answers “Political pressure”. Dick says Madrigals began in the 14th Century in Italy. From the 14th to the 17th Century most Europeans were illiterate. He looks at Tommy and says, “They couldn’t read either”. That’s why they started singing “falalala” in place of the lyrics they couldn’t read. Tommy says, “That’s like in that Christmas song called ‘Falalala’. Dick says that’s called “Deck the Halls”. Tommy says, “I’m of a different faith”. Dick says he wants Tommy to sing “Falala” so they start the song again. But Tommy starts singing “Falala” in place of a verse. Dick stops him and says he’s doing the wrong “falalas”. It’s supposed to be a more delicate song but Tommy did it profundo like a marching song. Tommy points out that he should have specified what kind of “falala” he wanted and Dick admits that he was at fault. Tommy says he’ll do counterpoint “falalas” and they begin again. It’s sounds good that way and then Tommy ends it with some made up lines, “When there’s two in the bush there’s a bird up your tree”. 

            Tommy plays Jack, who is in the hospital being assured by his doctor that the surgery he’ll be having tomorrow morning is a simple procedure and he’ll be on his feet in no time. The doctor tells Jack his sister and some others are waiting to see him. Jack looks worried and tells the doctor to tell them he died but the doctor lets her in. This turns out to be Carol as Eunice. She tells him he looks awful but who wouldn’t when they’re about to go under the knife. Jack says it’s just minor surgery but she says no surgery is minor once they cut into you. She says she never would have forgiven herself if she didn’t come in to see him just in case. Eunice says her husband Ed (Harvey) is in the hall and explains that he gets nauseous in hospitals. She shouts for Ed to come in. He looks like he’s about to throw up but recovers. I guess Jack is a salesman because Ed tells him to not stay in here too long because he’ll lose all his customers and his business will be shot to hell. Jack says the doctor says he’ll be dancing on a cloud in no time. Ed says his partner at the hardware store had a cousin who didn’t recover the full use of his limbs after his surgery. Eunice and Ed take some time to ignore Jack and argue about Ed’s partner. Eunice asks Jack his opinion but Jack says it’s not his field. She says, “You never would back me up!” Momma (Vicki) comes in and tries to surprise Jack but he knew she was coming and now she’s mad. She throws his gift down on his stomach, which is where he’ll be getting his surgery. It’s one of puzzles where you roll a bead through a maze. He says he doesn’t feel like concentrating right now so she grabs it from his hands and shouts, “Well then just put it aside” and then she throws it on the floor. Then Eunice and Mama fight and Mama argues she might be worse off than Jack but assures him she’ll stay alive till he gets better. Jack says, “Don’t do anything special for me mama”. Eunice tells Jack that some people think his doctor is a quack. Jack asks, “Who says that?” She says, “I heard he’s a butcher”. Mama tells her she has a talent for saying the wrong thing and Eunice throws candy all over Jack. Eunice says Ida Hawkins checked into this very room to get his tonsils out but Doctor Cooper cut out his tongue. Mama says, “Let’s not argue while Jack is practically at death’s door!” Mama asks Jack before they leave if he’s got all his papers in order. Jack asks, “What papers?” Mama says, “Have you made out your will?” Jack reminds her that it’s a minor operation. Ed argues “You never know! The anaesthetic alone has killed lots of people!” Jack says he already left everything to his wife and kids. Mama says, “Not everything I hope!” “Yeah, everything”. Mama says, “There are a few things of mine I’d like to get outta that house of yours!” Eunice says grandma always wanted her to have that set of silver that he got. Mama shouts at Eunice for being a vulture. Eunice says that before Jack is cold in his grave his wife Janey is going to run off with that plumber she’s been carrying on with for years and her silver will be gone forever. They leave and Jack calls his wife to ask about the plumber. 

            Telly Savalas talks and sings while smoking a cigarette his 1974 single “Rubber Bands and Bits of String” by Gloria Sklerov and Harry Lloyd. 

            Telly plays Reynolds and Harvey plays Marsh. They are two business owners who meet in a restaurant. Harvey is excited because they are merging their companies but Reynolds says he’s calling off the merger. This skit is similar to a previous episode in which a business relationship between men is treated very similarly to a romantic relationship. Marsh asks how he expects him to face people. Reynolds says to tell them it was his idea. He says, “We’re not right for each other!” “But it seemed so right!” Marsh asks, “You’re merging with Simpkins aren’t you?” “How did you know?” “I saw his annual report on your desk!” Reynolds says, “I’ve always respected your company. We can still do business can’t we?” “What kind of a company do you think I run? If I’d known it was gonna turn out this way I’d have never let you into my corporate bonds!” “You wanted that as much as I did!” (Harvey and Telly start laughing). “But I gave you something I never gave anyone else. My debentures”. Marsh says, “I made lots of cheap tawdry deals with other companies, even J and R”. “Not J and R!” “I let him handle my stock options!” They say “goodbye”, Marsh lingers and they crack up again. Marsh leaves and Reynolds goes to the bar to meet Simpkins and tells him he’s free. Simpkins tells him the merger is off. 

            There are a bunch of commercial parodies. 

            In a supermarket Harvey is manning a sampling kiosk and grabs Carol as she walks by to sample Bolgers coffee. He asks her if she’d say it tastes as good as it looks. She says it’s good. He insists she says it tastes as good as it looks. She says it’s delicious but he wants her to say that line and has to shake it out of her until she screams it then runs away. He smiles for the camera and says, “That was another unsolicited testimonial”. 

            There’s a parody of a Pepsi commercial showing several thin people as the song goes, “Diet Pepsi has one calorie”. But then they show Vicki in a fat suit with about a hundred empty bottles of diet Pepsi. 

            Tommy says he’s the man from Pepto Dismal and asks if we mind he talks about diarrhea. Several people shout out that they mind. Tommy asks, “Well then can I speak to you about snow tires?”

            The final sketch is set in the Casbah where the infamous jewel thief Poopi La Mocco (played by Telly) is safe from the police. Poopi is with Vicki but he says there are no women in the Casbah. She asks, “Am I not a woman?” He says, “Here you are a woman, but in Paris you are not even a file cabinet!” Inspector Ptomain arrives (played by Harvey with his Peter Lorre accent). Carol walks in as an elegant jewel bedecked woman and sits at a table. Poopi tells her she’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen. She says, “I know”. He asks what she’s doing in the Casbah. She says she’s on a world tour and has seen 17 countries in in 14 days. Tomorrow she’ll see Philadelphia twice. The bus for Philly arrives and she asks him to come with her. he says if he leaves he will be killed. She asks if he must always think of himself. They dance out together and Poopi is shot. Carol is a cop who lured Poopi to his doom. As Poopi dies he says he’ll come back in another life as a detective who likes lollipops. 

            The new announcer for The Carol Burnett Show was Ernie Anderson, who started his career as a radio announcer in Burlington, Vermont in 1946. He was fired for making fun of one of the sponsors. He then worked at a radio station in Providence, Rhode Island and was the number one DJ, but was fired for riding his motorcycle in the hallway. He moved to a Cleveland station where he met Tim Conway and they became writing partners. They created Ernie’s Place for a Cleveland TV station. There Ernie created the beatnik character Ghoulardi who hosted the Friday night horror movie show Shock Theatre. His catch phrases were “Stay sick” and “Turn blue”. His character was very popular and he would mock the quality of the movies he was showing. He also created a parody of Peyton Place called Parma Place that was a hit with fans. Ghoulardi began hosting Masterpiece Theatre, and a children’s show. He organized sports events that attracted thousands of fans. This led to him being a castmember of The Steve Allen Show. he moved to LA and in the 70s was hired as the voice of ABC. In 1974 he became the regular announcer for The Carol Burnett Show and also started appearing in skits. He did the voiceover for the previews of the first three seasons of Star Trek the Next Generation. He was the father of famed film director Paul Thomas Anderson who says his father was a bad actor even in home movies.

June 2, 1996: My daughter horded the french fries

Thirty years ago today

             On Sunday my daughter and I went to the playground and then I took her to rendezvous with her mother on the subway. On the way I bought some fries for us and Astrid walked a distance away from me with them because she didn’t want to share.

Francine Beers

            On Sunday morning I revised my translation of the verses 3 and 4 of “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian. 

            I finished translating “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. I looked for the chords but no one has posted them so I worked them out for the intro and the first two lines. 

            I played my Martin during song practice and it went out of tune for every song. 

            Around midday I painted “blue bliss” on the area around one of the four floral reliefs on my future bathroom mirror frame. I had expected to get all four done but the care I needed to take to keep from getting blue on the flowers was time consuming. It looks like it will take three more sessions just to complete the first coat of blue. 

            I weighed 91.05 kilos before lunch. I had a toasted Montreal style bagel with peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar, plus a glass of lemonade. 

            In the afternoon I headed out for a bike ride downtown and someone had left a pool of pink vomit directly in front of the door to my building. I had to step over it very carefully while maneuvering my bike around it. I rode downtown and back. 

            I weighed 90.3 kilos at 17:45. 

            I was behind in my journal and worked on getting caught up. I was still behind at suppertime. 

            I made pizza on naan with marinara, black olive paste, tomato pesto, a chopped New Zealand grass fed beef burger, and four-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore while watching season 7, episode 24 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup Carol buys Girl Scout cookies on stage like she does every year.

            Harvey and Carol play an escaped con and his girlfriend robbing a diner. They see the cops pulling up outside and so they knock out the cook and the waiter then take their places. Harvey does the cooking and Carol serves the counter and the tables. Harvey turns out to be a whiz at cooking as it takes him seconds to prepare the meals. Hours pass and the place is packed, plus the cops for some reason are still there. Harvey is finding the work fulfilling but Carol isn’t and she wants to get away with or without him. As they stand there arguing in the kitchen the cops come in saying they knew who they were all along. But suddenly they buckle over from food poisoning as does everybody else in the joint. So they rob everybody and leave. 

            John Byner does a stand-up act. He says the Ed Sullivan Show is very different from The Carol Burnett Show. Ed’s show has a lot of animals, and Europeans throwing each other around. He imitates the elephant and getting splashed by it. He mentions The Exorcist being the movie of the century and says what people like these days are scary movies or sad movies. He says his mother took him to sad movies when he was a kid to see if he was okay. If he cried during Bambi then she knew he was healthy. He says men are embarrassed to cry in the US because they don’t think it’s masculine. In Europe men cry if they miss the bus. It’s because US heroes don’t cry. You ever see John Wayne cry? He does an impression of John Wayne if he cried in a movie, “You mean we gotta circle the wagons again?” He says men sneak cry at the movies and he imitates them holding back. 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch it’s just Carol and Roger this time and it’s their anniversary. She’s setting the table for their special night and he brings home flowers. They are about to start dinner when the doorbell rings. He opens the door and a stranger walks right in saying she’s Mrs. Raskin from down the hall and she’s got a problem. She lost the key to her apartment, her husband isn’t home yet. Roger tries to call the building manager but he’s out and he only gets the switchboard. Raskin says she guesses she’ll wait in the hall for who knows how long? Roger wants to get her out so he’s willing to let her wait in the hall. On her way out the door she hands Roger her doctor’s number in case she passes out. They try to return to their anniversary dinner but Carol says they can’t leave Mrs. Raskin out there. So Roger gives in, opens the door, and Raskin immediately walks in. She sits in the living room watching them until they invite her to join them. Carol says she has to get the steaks but Mrs. Raskin insists on serving them. They are eating and Raskin says the steaks look a little rare. She tries to grab Roger’s steak to put it back under the broiler. Roger says, “We like them that way!” Raskin says, My Uncle Marvin, may his soul rest in peace used to eat meat rare”. Carol asks what happened. Raskin says, “On the way home from the butcher he was hit by a truck”. The phone rings and Raskin answers it. The operator says her husband left a message that he won’t be home till midnight. That means it will be four hours. Carol and Roger exchange anniversary gifts. Carol’s is a gold bracelet but Raskin grabs it to look at it and says that it’s better than real gold. Carol gives Roger a wrapped gift and Raskin won’t let him tear the paper. He wants to open it himself but she insists. Finally Roger hands Raskin the key to their apartment and tells her to lock up when she leaves, then he takes Carol to a hotel where they can celebrate their anniversary alone. 

            Vicki Lawrence sings her follow up single to “The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia”: “Mama’s Gonna Make it All Better”. I assume it was written by her then husband Bobby Russell. It didn’t chart. 

            Harvey and John play rival scientists Stroll and Fromis. Fromis says he has a new invention that will make him jealous and a vertical crate is wheeled in. He says he’s built a woman robot but Stroll says he created a woman robot three years ago. Vicki plays the beautiful and lifelike robot Andrea. Now Fromis is reluctant to show his robot. Carol plays the awkward and clumsy robot Gark. She has what looks like a mop head for a wig and her torso is not woman shaped. Gark seems incapable of performing any functions but then the phone rings and she answers it, speaking, listening, and responding. Dr. Stroll is very impressed because he hasn’t been able to make Andrea speak. he must have her but Fromis refuses. Stroll orders Andrea to attack Gark but Gark insults her until she collapses.

            There is a parody of the annual Country Music Awards called the Annual Rural Music Awards. John plays the host Glen Twitty wearing a ridiculous pompadour wig. 

            To present to first award he brings out country stars Laura Tendrum (Carol) and Donna Cargo (Vicki). They are both tied for the top female performer of the year and obviously don’t like each other. One of the songs up for an award is “The Night My Tights Gave Out in Georgia”. 

            The winner of the best song is Big Joe Blackjack singing “Everything I Like is a Legal or Moral Offense”. These include underage girls and unhealthy food. 

            Harvey plays Johnny Money a parody of Johnny Cash. He introduces Donna Cargo singing “S-P-L-I-T” (a trashy parody of “D-I-V-O-R-C-E” by Tammy Wynette). 

            Johnny Money sings “Fifteen Minutes to Go” a parody of Shel Silverstein’s “25 Minutes to Go”.

            Laura sings about being a simple country girl who likes picking on her ukulele. She stops singing to say that she will never be too big to share an award with her inferiors.

            Glen sings his song “Me and Little Susie”. He does an impression of a harmonica and sings about his girlfriend who was a pig until his ma made bacon out of her. The dancers do a square dance.

            Mrs. Raskin was played by Francine Beers, who started as child performer singing jingles on the radio. She made her off Broadway review in King of the Whole Damn World in 1962. She made her TV debut in The Nurses in 1965. She played Judge Janis Silver on Law and Order; Sybil Gooley on All in the Family; and Bea Finster on Kate and Alley. She made her film debut in Made for Each Other in 1971. She won the Helen Hayes Award in 1988 for her performance in the play Light Up the Sky.

June 1, 1996: A nice weekend with my daughter

Thirty years ago today

            On Saturday I picked up my daughter from her mother’s place and she spent the weekend with me. The weather was nice and warm the whole day so we spent a lot of time playing outside.

The Jackson 5

            On Saturday morning I revised my translation of the first two verses of “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian. 

            I translated all but the last three lines of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. I’ll finish that tomorrow and start working out the chords. 

            I weighed 89.25 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since last Saturday. 

            I played my Martin during song practice and as usual it went out of tune during every song.

            Around midday I rode to Freedom Mobile to pay for my June phone plan. Then I went to No Frills where the grapes were super cheap but too soft so I didn’t get any. If I run out I’ll just get some at Freshco and price match them with the No Frills price. I got a pack of raspberries, a pack of five-year-old cheddar, a pork loin that I wouldn’t have gotten if I’d remembered to check that it was from the US ( Why does Hog Town need to import pork anyway?), a loaf of multigrain sandwich bread, mouthwash, a jug of limeade, two small jugs of orange juice, and two containers of skyr. 

            I weighed 90.7 kilos at 14:30. That’s the easiest I’ve been on the scale in the early afternoon since May 22. I had a toasted Montreal style bagel with peanut butter and four-year-old cheddar and a glass of lemonade. 

            I took a siesta from 15:15 to 16:45. By the time I was ready to leave it was too late for a bike ride downtown so I just rode to Ossington and Bloor. 

            I weighed 90.45 kilos at 18:00. 

            I was behind on my journal and worked on getting caught up. I was still behind at suppertime. 

            I made pizza on naan with marinara, black olive paste, tomato pesto, a chopped New Zealand grass-fed beef burger, and four-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 7, episode 23 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone asks Carol if she’s gone streaking yet. She says, “No, I think there’s enough violence on television”. 

            Someone asks her favourite character. Two episodes ago she answered that it was Charo but now she says it’s the character she’s debuting tonight, based on her grandmother. 

            Someone asks her favourite colour and she says yellow. 

            She brings special guest Roddy McDowall out and his comes in the full facial makeup that he wore as Caesar in the Planet of the Apes films and TV series. Carol acts as if she’s surprised and disturbed while Roddy pretends everything is normal, even after she shows him in the monitor. She asks if there’s a movie that has influenced him and he says there is and he’d like to do a scene from it. She expects him to do something from Planet of the Apes but he recites come lines he delivered as Octavian in Cleopatra. She sings “Exactly Like You” by Jimmy McHugh and Dorothy Fields from the 1930 Broadway show Lew Leslie’s International Revue. He sings “She’s Funny That Way” by Neil Moret and Richard Whiting from the from the 1929 film Gems of MGM. They sing “They Didn’t Believe Me” by Jerome Kern and and Herbert Reynolds from the 1914 musical The Girl from Utah. He sings “Tea for Two” by Vincent Youmans and Irving Caesar from the 1924 musical Non No Nanette. She sings “Speak Low” by Kurt Weill and Ogden Nash from the 1943 musical One Touch of Venus. They sing “So in Love” by Cole Porter from the 1948 musical Kiss Me Kate. She says Roddy was such a good sport to prepare for that number since it takes him 3 and a half hours to get into his ape makeup. He shows a little film of how the makeup is applied. 

            We see the historical first sketch of Mama’s Family featuring Vicki as Mama, Carol as Eunice and Harvey as Ed. They are a southern US family and in this skit Roddy plays Eunice’s brother Phil who has been away for five years and is now world famous with a Nobel Prize and a Pulitzer Prize for his new book on India. Ed tries to tell Phil about his job at the hardware store but Eunice tells him they don’t want to hear it. Mama comes out and embraces Phil but almost immediately starts arguing with Eunice and forgets about Phil until Eunice’s doctor is part of the arguments and Mama says she wouldn’t take her dong to him. Suddenly Eunice is cheerful again and tells Phil he’s got to see Mama’s poodle Topaz. mama takes Phil on her lap to tell him about her dog. Phil is about to tell them about India when Eunice mentions what Topaz is doing in the bedroom and so everybody goes to look. Phil starts to invite Mama on a trip to Europe but she interrupts to complain about Eunice putting the lemonade on the antique coffee table. Phil has to leave for England soon because he has an interview with Princess Anne. Eunice tells him to call it off so he can see her house. Mama wants to know if Prince Charles is really in love with Grace Kelly’s daughter. But as soon as Phil starts talking Mama gets up and walks away. Ed asks if he’s going to keep up this book writing thing. Eunice suggests he could get a job with the local paper and then he wouldn’t have to go to India. Phil argues that there are so many interesting characters in India. Ed tells him they got a bald woman right here on our block if you want characters. Eunice says she’d like to write about her but Mama tells her she couldn’t write her way out of a paper bag because Phil’s the only one in the family with any talent. Mama goes into the bedroom and Eunice shouts bitterly at her until Mama comes out to say, “Wait till you see what that dog is doing and suddenly everybody’s back to being delighted by Topaz. Phil says it’s time for him to go and they all almost indifferently turn from the dog to acknowledge Phil before looking at the poodle again. Phil asks Mama if she’s like a copy of his book but Mama says she’s got so many books she doesn’t know where to put them. He says, “So long!” and they all say “Shhhh!” 

            Harvey and Lyle are carpenters who are supposed to be building a house but they are discussing how women are trying to do men’s jobs. Lyle says wouldn’t it be funny if their new helper was a broad? Then Carol shows up as their new helper but they don’t see her yet. Harvey says the first thing she’d want to put up is the curtains. Carol gets to work while Harvey prepares to nail a board but he puts the nails in his mouth and Lyle says it’s disgusting. Then Harvey breaks a fingernail. The men argue about this and that until Carol announces that she’s finished the job. She offers to buy them a beer but they are uncomfortable going to McGuinty’s with her until she takes off her overalls and is wearing a mini-dress. Then they are all for it. 

            The Jackson 5 perform the 1973 song “Dancing Machine” by Hal Davis, Don Fletcher, and Dean Parks. Michael Jackson still has his original nose. He performs “the robot” dance, which became extremely popular as a result. I still see a middle aged guy busking in front of Eaton Centre and his whole schtick is doing the robot. 

            Harvey, Carol, Vicki, and Lyle are all sitting on a bench at a bus stop when the phone in the booth behind them starts ringing. They discuss how strange it is to hear a phone booth ringing. Vicki says she heard about it happening once when a radio announcer randomly dialled a number that just happened to be a public phone. Somebody on the street picked it up, answered a simple question and won $2500. The phone rings again and they all rush for the booth, fighting to get to the phone. They agree to split the money if it’s a contest and Vickie answers the phone but the caller has already hung up. They discuss how absurd it is to have hoped it was a quiz show. The bus doesn’t seem to be coming so they start to go in their separate directions when the phone rings and they all rush for it. After a little struggle they agree they are still partners and Carol answers. It turns out to really be the Dial a Buck radio show and the question is, “How many letters are in the headline of the Daily Globe today. They all run for the garbage can where the paper was thrown and count the letters while a drunk comes by and stops at the phone booth to check the coin slot. He then hangs up the phone. They all start crying. 

            In a tea room in England Carol is sitting reading a book. Roddy comes and asks “Taken?” She says, “No”. Their entire conversation consists of single word sentences. “Intruding?” “No.” She almost knocks a pot over and says, “Clumsy”. He says “Untrue”. “True.” “Graceful.” “Please!” “Sorry.” “Forgiven.” “Married?” “Yes!” “Sorry.” “You?” “What?” “Married?” “Yes.” “Lovely.” “Mmmm.” “Children?” “Two.” “Three.” “Lovely.” “Please!” “Sorry.” “Hillary.” “Rex.” “Majestic!” “Inappropriate!” “Suitable.” “Happy?” “No!” “Why?” “Busy!” “Neglectful?” “Yes!” “Idiot!” “Don’t!” “Sorry!” “You?” “What?” “Happy?” “No.” “Wife?” “Frigid!” “Nooo!” “Affair!” “Affair?” “Yes!” “Us?” “Please!” “Impossible!” “Rubbish!” “Immoral!” “True.” “Going!” “Now?” “Must!” “Please!” “Must!” “Hillary, whatever you do, don’t look back!” “Chatterbox!” and she leaves. 

            At Glendale Music School The Jackson 5 and the dancers are students. It is announced that Sylvia Newton is the substitute teacher today. She says she’s going to show that learning to read music is fun. It can be very helpful in your life if you’re going to be a rock and roll star like Frankie Laine. Most of the Jackson 5 ask, “Who’s he?” Michael says, “I think he’s one of those old singers like David Cassidy. Sylvia says, “Just think of the notes as people and the lines of the staff as their home. Mr. A is sharp. Mrs. B is flat. She asks, “If Mr. A and Mrs. B get married what happens?” Someone says, “They give birth to the Blues!” Sylvia says “No! They give birth to baby C”. A sharp and a flat make a natural. She gets them to follow her in a song: “ABC”. Then she teaches about rests and beats. “Rest 2-3-4 Awake 2-3-4…” She gets the class to go “Rest clap, rest clap, rest clap” repeatedly while she sings the English children’s folk song “This Old Man”. Each member of The Jackson 5 sings a verse. Then Carol Sylvia joins in as they sing their 1970 hit “ABC” by the Corporation (Barry Gordy, Alphonso Mizell, Freddie Perren, and Deke Richards). 

             The Jackson 5 were Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, and Michael. They were managed by their father Joe Jackson. They formed their first group in 1963 with 5 year old Michael playing congas. They won their first talent show in 1966. They performed for a few years on the Chitlin Circuit until they signed with Steeltown Records in 1967. They signed with Motown in 1968 and were the first group to debut with four consecutive number 1 hits: “I Want You Back”, “ABC”, “The Love You Save”, and “I’ll Be There”. They left Motown in 1978 after learning they were earning only 2.8% of the royalties from their record sales, and had to change their name to The Jacksons because Barry Gordy owned the rights to The Jackson 5. Their last album with Michael was Victory in 1984 and it was their biggest selling album. The Jackson 5 made white people feel better about black families.

Dick Clair

            On Friday morning I finished memorizing “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian. I started working on revising my translation. 

            I also completed my memorization of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. I finished translating the second verse and tomorrow I’ll try to finish my translation. 

            I weighed 90.15 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since March 4. 

            I played my Kramer during song practice and it stayed in tune almost the whole time. 

            I opened the can of Blue Bliss and painted the screws that I’d used on Wednesday to mount the wire rack in the bathroom. I touched up a few areas on and around the rack. Since there was still time and I had the paint open I started painting the frame for what’s going to be my bathroom mirror. I didn’t get too close to the floral relief that occurs four times around the frame because I didn’t have time for careful work. On Sunday I’ll do that. The blue is going to need at least two coats. The roses in relief will be in the same pink shade called Crazy in Love that I used for the ceiling. 

            I weighed 90.8 kilos before lunch. That’s the least I’ve pushed the scale in the early afternoon since last Friday. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 89.9 kilos at 17:50. 

            I was still a day behind in my journal and worked on getting caught up but was still behind at suppertime. 

            I had a potato with gravy and two chicken drumsticks while watching season 7, episode 21 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup a set of 15 year old twins ask Carol if it’s true that she pretended to have a twin sister when she was a child. She says it’s true because she thought it would be fun to have a twin. The girls confirm that it is. 

            Someone asks which are her favourite characters. In the past she’s answered Zelda but this time she says Nora Desmond and Charo. 

            Carol plays a housewife about to do her ironing and she turns on the radio. She listens to a talk show on which a caller (played by Vicki) says she’s having an affair with the husband of her best friend, who lives next door. She says she’s disguising her voice in case her friend is listening but then starts talking in her real voice and Carol recognizes it. Vicki says she meets with her friend’s husband every day because he’s secretly quit his job as a dynamite salesman. She says he pretends to go to work every day but just comes over to her house to spend the day. He’s in the other room mixing martinis right now. Suddenly Carol’s husband (played by Lyle) comes in to get some olives. He says he was driving to work and had a sudden craving. Vicki says they’re going to drink the martinis, he’s going to play mood music and then they’re going to (censored on the radio). Lyle comes back home and starts to leave with a record player and some albums. Carol asks what he’s doing. He explains that the radio in his car is broken and he needs to listen to music on the way to work. Carol hears Vicki tell Lyle to get some candles, so Carol gets a candle in a candle holder ready for him when he returns but replaces the candle with a stick of dynamite. Soon there is an explosion next door and Carol tears up the shirt she was ironing while singing “I Did It My Way” by Paul Anka. 

            Eydie Gormet comes home to a lonely apartment while her own voice is singing in the background the 1928 song “How About Me?” by Irving Berlin. Then she sings the 1973 song “The Way We Were” by Alan Bergman, Marilyn Bergman, and Marvin Hamlisch. 

            There is a series of very short Laugh-In style skits beginning with Tim Conway singing “First the tide rushes in” just before a bunch of water falls on his head. 

            Lyle and Vickie are standing on a threshold as he sings “Goodnight Irene”. She says “I’m Helen!” and punches him in the gut. He punches her in the jaw. 

            Tim Conway sings “First the tide rushes in” again but this time holds an umbrella over his head. However the water is thrown from his left. 

            Harvey, in an extremely masculine voice and stance sings Bob Dylan’s lyric: “How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man”, then he does a very effeminate walk down the road. 

            Tim is now holding two umbrellas, one above and another on his left side but the water comes from his right side. 

            Eydie is on the couch when there is a knock. She asks who it is and a voice says “The boy next door”. She sings, “How can I ignore the boy next door?” and opens it. It’s Harvey in a beard and hat with flowers. He’s portraying a much shorter man while on his knees on a pair of shoes. In answer to her question she says, “Simple” just before he gives her an uppercut in the jaw. 

            Tim is now holding an umbrella above and on each side of him but the water comes from the front. 

            Carol is sitting on a bench when Harvey comes up with a gun to mug her and says, “Gimme all your dough!” She looks in her purse and finds it empty so she starts singing and dancing towards him, “I can’t give you anything but love baby”. He shouts for the police, then hands her $20 to leave him alone, but she punches him in the face. 

            Vicki answers the door and Tim is her date. She sings “Getting to know you” by Rodgers and Hammerstein from the 1951 musical The King and I. He proceeds to clumsily break things in her apartment while she continues to sing. She guides him back to the door then punches him in the jaw. He comes back and returns the favour. 

            Harvey sings, “I Talk to the Trees” by Alan J. Lerner and Frederick Loewe from the 1951 musical Paint Your Wagon. But two men in white coats come up to grab him and assure him he’s going to a place where he can talk to the trees all he wants. 

            Tim is wearing a rain hat and a full raincoat as he sings, “First the tide comes in” but he gets a cream pie in the face. 

            Harvey plays a German officer with an Allied prisoner (played by Lyle). Harvey says he’s going to bring in Wolfgang Schweinhund the most feared interrogator in the German army. Tim arrives as Wolfgang and they talk fake German to each other. He introduces himself to Lyle as “The most feared interrogator in all the world and part of Canada”. Since Lyle still won’t talk Wolfgang says he’s making the Fuhrer very angry as he pulls out a Hitler hand puppet. Hitler is holding a pencil in both hands and Wolfgang tells Lyle that Hitler is gonna hit him with that club. Lyle starts laughing. Hitler tries to make Lyle feel at home by singing “I’ve Been Working On the Railroad” and Lyle cracks up again. Wolfgang takes a wine bottle and tries to break it so he can cut Lyle’s face but everything he hits the bottle on breaks while the bottle remains intact. Finally Harvey takes it from him and hits him over the head, breaking the bottle. Wolfgang asks how many airplanes the Allies have in North Africa. Lyle says “A lot more than you have in Berlin”. Wolfgang and Harvey start laughing. They show Lyle a paper to prove how many planes they have in Berlin. Lyle says, “You don’t have enough men to man that many planes”. They laugh again and show them a paper documenting how many men they have. Lyle says, “What good are all those men with inferior weapons?” Wolfgang hands Lyle his Lugar to prove what good weapons they have and Lyle turns it on him and escapes with the information. 

            Carol is at a carnival and enters the tent of the fortune teller played by Vicki. Vicki goes into a trance and knows Carol’s name is Miss Wotacheck. She says she will meet a tall dark stranger. Suddenly Lyle comes in. Vicki says he’ll fall madly in love with you. He kisses Carol. Vicki says he’ll take her to the Mediterranean where they’ll live happily ever after. But suddenly Eydie comes in, calls him a two timing gigolo and shoots him. Eydie hands Carol the gun, tells her it will get her through enemy lines but advises her to save one bullet for herself. A detective comes in and arrests Carol for the murder of the Marquis de Rothman, the richest man alive. Then a man in dark glasses and a trenchcoat knocks out the cop. He pulls a gun on Carol and demands to know where’s the microfilm. They put her in a chair and call for Thor. A big torturer approaches. Then some rebel guerillas arrive and say that since she didn’t tell anyone the location of the microfilm she’s saved Tetsalovia. The president arrives to say she is their greatest citizen. She says she’s from Akron. Since she’s an Akronian she is sentenced to the firing squad. She is shot and the men leave. She drags herself to the fortune teller and pays her $2 before dying. 

            Two detectives played by Lyle and Vickie enter a dinner party and say “Nobody leave the room”. They reveal their conclusions based on all the clues, the main one being the six-fingered glove. Lyle demands to see Mr. Sedgwick’s hand. They struggle until Harvey informs him he’s not Sedgwick and this is the Mermelstein bar mitzva. 

            Harvey with a James Mason accent arrives at the home of the high Lama (played by Tim) in Shangri-La. He finds him asleep in his chair. Harvey says he’s looking for a high Lama. The Lama says he was high on Thursday. He says in Shangri-La one no longer needs to conform to the ridiculous dictates of society. Harvey asks if he can join and the Lama says yes but gives him a necktie to wear.

            Carol and Eydie sing the 1911 song “Alexander’s Ragtime Band” by Irving Berlin. Then the 1924 song “Doodle Doo Doo” by Art Kassel and Mel Stitzel. The dancers tap dance. They intermix it with “The Beat Goes On” by Sonny Bono. 

            One of the writers for the Carol Burnett Show was Dick Clair, who was part of a writing and comedy team with Jenna McMahon with whom he performed skits on Ed Sullivan and The Dean Martin Show. He also wrote episodes of Soap, The Mary Tyler Moore Show and The Bob Newhart Show. He co-created with Jenna the sitcoms It’s a Living, The Facts of Life, and Mama’s Family. He had AIDS and fought a long and well publicized legal battle with the state of California to win the right to have his body cryogenically frozen when he died.

May 31, 1996: Brian and I busked on Bloor

Thirty years ago today 

            On Friday I busked on Bloor Street with Brian Haddon while at the same time rehearsing for our upcoming feature performances at my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy and the Art Bar reading series. Later we performed on the Spit Fridays open stage in the back room of the Cameron.

Barry Levinson

            On Thursday morning I memorized the ninth verse of L'anguille (The Eel) by Boris Vian. There is only one verse left and it’s almost the same as the sixth verse so I’ll probably have the whole song in my head tomorrow. 

            I memorized the fifth verse of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. There’s just one verse remaining to nail down in that song as well. 

            I weighed 90.35 kilos before breakfast. 

            During song practice I played my Kramer and it stayed in tune almost through the whole session. 

            I was a day behind on my journal and worked on getting caught up. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown. On Brock Avenue someone had thrown out a bunch of stuff, including some books. I took Wicked by Gregory Maquire, The Eden Express by Mark Vonnegut, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof by Tennessee Williams, Go Ask Alice by Anonymous, and The Trial by Franz Kafka. On the way back I stopped at Freshco where the grapes from Chile were very cheap and so I bought seven bags. I also got one pack of raspberries, one pack of blueberries, some bananas, a carton of spoon sized shredded wheat, some hair conditioner, and a pack of Sponge Towels. 

            I weighed 90.7 kilos at 18:30. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal but I was still behind at suppertime. 

            I had a potato with gravy and two chicken drumsticks while watching season 7, episode 20 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            A girl in the audience says she performed Carol’s character Zelda in a school play and so Carol gets her to come up on stage and do a bit of the character. 

            Carol plugs Cicely Tyson’s performance in The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pitman. She says Cicely has her vote for the Emmy. She did win. 

            In "As the Stomach Turns", Marian is talking to a friend on the phone and asks about her weekend. She hears about a confrontation with another woman, an alcoholic binge, a trial separation, and that her maid quit. Marian says, “It was nice talking to you Maude”. Then she says, “Life’s not easy when you’re in the top ten”. This is clearly a reference to the sitcom Maude , which was in it’s second season at the time. Marian looks through her photo album and sees the X-Ray of her broken heart which was taken when she found out the truth about her second husband Sylvia. There are lots of pictures of her smiling at some of the funerals of her ex-husbands. Marian is thinking out loud about how her niece will be visiting today and then she wonders how she can have a niece when she has no siblings. Marian’s niece Raven arrives (played by Bernadette Peters), and says, “Hello Grandmother Marian!” Marian says she’s too young to be her grandmother. Raven brings Marian cherry blossoms from Washington, Martha Washington candy and two tapes. The tapes are clearly a reference to the missing Nixon White House tapes. Marian puts the blossoms in a vase but Raven suddenly changes her mood and smashes it. Marian puts the candies in a bowl and Raven changes again to smash it and stomp on all of the candies. Raven predicts Marian will have a bursitis attack and then Marian collapses in pain. Marian sits down and the chair starts to dance by itself. Raven is possessed like Regan in the 1973 movie The Exorcist but Marian just thinks it’s the generation gap and tries to talk young talk. She attempts to “rap” with Raven and tells her to “Let it all hang out”. Raven punches her in the stomach and growls, “Get lost you old bat!” Raven grabs a knife and starts ripping the upholstery. The doorbell rings and it’s Tim Conway as Otto Blackflag, Canoga Falls’ leading exterminator. He says because of the success of the movie The Exorcist he’s decided to become a freelance exorcist. Marian asks about his experience and he said he once saved a girl who was possessed by the June Taylor Dancers. Otto begins Raven’s exorcism by showing her the symbols of goodness. He first shows Raven an 8x10 of Doris Day drinking a glass of milk; next is a white shoe worn by Pat Boone; then a twig from the Christmas tree of the King Family; and finally a set of Shirley Temple glasses used by the Johnny Mann singers during a tribute to America the Beautiful when the guest star was Kate Smith. Otto says Raven is cured and she has nothing but goodness in her heart and soul and a little bit of her knee. The last part must have been an ad lib because both Carol and Bernadette start laughing. Otto sits down in a chair that starts flying with him in it. 

            Bernadette sings the 1934 song “Blame it On My Youth” by Oscar Levant and Edward Heyman.

            Tammy Corkrin (Carol) is sitting at a restaurant table when a woman she recognizes walks in and she calls out to Midge Morgan (Vickie), who recognizes her as well. Midge sits down and Tammy asks how she is. Midge says she’s never been better but Tammy says she looks tired. Midge says she’s married and her husband’s a doctor. Tammy says that’s the right idea to marry a rich old man for security. “Roy and I are extremely happy.” “That dazzle will wear off soon enough.” “We’ve been married five years.” Midge tells Tammy that she made a record. “Not one of those outfits where you pay them!” “No, it’s on Capital Records.” “Only one in a million ever sells.” “Mine sold quite a few. Maybe you heard it. Glitter Girl?” “It was effective but one record doesn’t mean a thing. You’re dead if you don’t cut an album.” “I’m cutting an album tomorrow.” “One album doesn’t mean a thing. You haven’t got a prayer unless you do stage and movies.” “I am opening in a new musical next week.” “Don’t tell me you’ve been roped into one of those little theatre groups at the end of an alley.” “I’m the lead in the new musical that’s opening at the Music Pavilion. They’re going to premier it here before they take it to Broadway.” “That’s the kiss of death! Only Neil Simon could pull that off.” “This is by Neil Simon.” “When will Neil Simon quit? Nobody goes to plays anymore. The cinema is where it’s at.” “This has already been sold to a movie producer.” “They’ll use another girl for the part and you be left out in the cold.” “The director already signed me for the lead because he asked for me.” “Some poor director from off Broadway.” “It’s Mike Nichols.” “I hope he pulls out of the slump he’s been in. He’s down to working with Dolphins lately (A reference to The Day of the Dolphin).” “He’s a great director. Even his first film Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? was a hit.” “Even I could slap a grey wig on Elizabeth Taylor and come up with a hit. You’re a dead duck if you don’t come up with a big male star.” “We do have Robert Redford.” “What’s he done? Nine or ten movies.” “He’s so handsome!” “Everybody just thinks he is.” “He is awfully talented.” “Can he sing? Can he tap dance? The movie industry is on its last legs anyway. Only the nitwits are hanging in there.” “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should get out of the business.” “Now you’re cooking! Why don’t we have dinner tonight?” “I can’t. I have to have dinner with my director.” Midge leaves in tears. A couple walks into the restaurant. Tammy grabs two menus and says, “Table for two? Right this way please.” 

            Harvey and Tim play two Japanese sailors in a two-man submarine in 1942 on a mission to sink Cleveland. They speak in a fake language that sounds like Japanese to westerners. Tim is the superior officer and he hits Harvey from time to time the way Moe would hit the others in Three Stooges movies. Tim outlines their plan of attack. They’ll arrive at the west coast of the US and rent a U-Haul to take their sub to Las Vegas. Harvey mentions Todie Field and Tim hits him. They get hit by a depth charge and spring a leak. They try to fire a torpedo but it shoots backwards and now it’s hallway in their cabin. Tim pushes it back in, Harvey fires and Tim gets shot out of the sub. 

            They do a tribute to the movies of the 1930s, starting with gangster movies. The mob boss usually has to be wiped out. Harvey plays a barber about to shave a mob boss named Luckiano. His eyes are covered with a towel. Harvey’s back is turned as he gets everything ready. Tim comes in with a violin case. He opens the case, pulls out what’s inside and aims to fire but it’s an actual violin. He pulls a gun from his jacket and fires but there are no bullets. He pulls a knife but the blade falls off. He pulls out a rope to strangle him but that falls apart as well. He puts some dynamite in the barber’s chair and steps outside with the plunger but unknowingly drags the dynamite outside with him and blows himself up. Harvey is ready to shave Luckiano but sneezes and accidentally slits the don’s throat.

            The 30s gave birth to the movie musical and one of the most successful movie songwriters was Harry Warren. They do a mini-musical using Warren’s songs. In a sheet music store Carol pretends to play piano and sings “I Found a Million Dollar Baby in a Five and Ten Cent Store” with lyrics by Mort Dixon and Billy Rose from the 1931 musical Crazy Quilt. Harvey comes in playing a college student and invites Carol to a dance . She thinks it’s a date but he’s hiring her to play for the dancers. They pick out some songs, like “We’re in the Money” with lyrics by Al Dubin from Gold Diggers of 1933. Harvey asks for something romantic for when he gives Lulu his pin so she picks, “You’re My Everything” with lyrics by Mort Dixon and Joe Young from the 1931 revue The Laugh Parade. Later at the dance Carol plays “With Plenty of Money and You Oh Baby What I Couldn’t Do” with lyrics by Al Dubin from Gold Diggers of 1937. She sings “Shadow Waltz” with lyrics by Al Dubin from Golddiggers of 1933. Harvey arrives with Lulu (Bernadette) who sings “Lulu’s Back in Town” with lyrics by Al Dubin from the 1935 film Broadway Gondolier. Lulu does a big tap dance with the Ernie Flatt Dancers while singing the 1928 song “Nagasaki” with lyrics by Mort Dixon. Harvey starts singing “You’re My Everything” to Lulu but drops his pin and then several guys move in to give her theirs and then they carry her away, leaving Harvey alone. Then Harvey sings “The Boulevard of Broken Dreams” with lyrics by Al Dubin from the 1934 film Moulin Rouge. Carol sings “Don’t Give Up the Ship” with lyrics by Al Dubin from the 1935 film Shipmates Forever. Harvey takes her glasses off and sings “Jeepers Creepers” with lyrics by Johnny Mercer from the 1938 movie Going Places. Then she sings “I Only Have Eyes For You” with lyrics by Al Dubin from the 1934 movie Dames. He’s about to kiss her when Lulu taps him on the shoulder and sings “Shuffle Off to Buffalo” with lyrics by Al Dubin from the 1933 film 42nd Street. Then everybody sings it and leaves Carol alone. She sings “Lullaby of Broadway” with lyrics by Al Dubin from the 1935 movie Golddiggers of 1935. But Harvey returns and sings “I Found a Million Dollar Baby” and they kiss.

            One of the writers of The Carol Burnett Show was Barry Levinson, who after college went to LA where he studied acting, improvisation, and production. He worked in comedy clubs where he learned to write. In 1967 he got a job at a local LA station writing for a comedy show. He performed on the show and won a local Emmy. In the 70s he started writing for The Carol Burnett Show and co-won two Emmys. He also wrote for Marty Feldman’s Comedy Machine and The Tim Conway Show. He co-wrote the screenplays for Silent Movie, High Anxiety, He co-wrote And Justice For All. He wrote and directed Diner, Tin Men, Avalon, Jimmy Hollywood, Liberty Heights, He directed The Natural, Young Sherlock Holmes, Rain Man (which won four Oscars including Best Director), Good Morning Vietnam, Man of the Year, Bugsy, Disclosure, An Everlasting Piece, Wag the Dog, Bandits, Poliwood, Envy, What Just Happened, The Bay, The Humbling, Rock the Kasbah, and the Alto Knights. He co-wrote and directed Toys, Sleepers, . He directed and produced Sphere. He co-produced the series Dopesick and directed the first two episodes. He co-produced Homicide: Life On the Street, Oz, He directed the American Express webisodes The Adventures of Seinfeld and Superman. His first novel is called Sixty Six.

May 30, 1996: I made quick poses to warm up the artists

Thirty years ago today 

            On Thursday I probably worked for some art class or art group, doing gestures for a warm-up and longer poses later on.

Emma Myers

            On Wednesday morning I woke up with a hangover even though I’d only had one can of beer at lunchtime and two at suppertime on my birthday the day before. 

            I worked on memorizing the ninth verse of “L'anguille (The Eel)” by Boris Vian and the fifth verse of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. 

            I weighed 90.1 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since March 4. 

            Around midday I cleaned the splattered paint from the bathroom tiles above the toilet. I then screwed the newly blue painted wire rack into the wall just above the tiles. The right screw went securely into the wall but the left one didn’t really catch. The rack is fairly solidly attached to the wall nonetheless. It holds the yellow teapot containing my combs and my hair brush, the copper goblet containing my tooth cleaning instruments, and the identical goblet that holds my toothpastes. Before this I kept the rack on the back of the toilet and the goblets used to fall off, but now everything is secure and it looks nice. 

            I weighed 91.35 kilos before lunch. That’s the most I’ve pushed the scale in the early afternoon since March 2. I had a toasted Montreal style bagel with peanut butter and four -year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of lemonade. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 90.55 kilos at 18:15. Not as much as the evening of March 2 but up there. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal as I was a day behind. 

            I grilled four burgers made from New Zealand grass fed beef. I had one on a Montreal style bagel with ketchup, Dijon, horseradish, and two gherkins while watching the second episode of Wednesday with my daughter Astrid on Discord. 

            At the end of the first episode Rowan was about to kill Wednesday with his telekinetic powers when a monster attacked and ripped him to shreds. 

            At the beginning of the second episode Jericho’s sheriff and his men can’t find a trace of Rowan’s body (why does the sheriff of a town in New England have a southern US accent?) Later when Wednesday is telling the sheriff that someone is trying to cover up Rowan’s death, who walks in but Rowan? 

            Wednesday has Thing follow Rowan but he loses him because it turns out that Rowan is either a shape shifter or else a shape shifter is posing as Rowan. We also see him change into the principal of Nevermore and so one wonders if she’s the shapeshifter. 

            Wednesday sneaks into Xavier and Rowan’s room, and with the help of Thing, looks for the book in which Rowan’s mother drew the picture of Wednesday before she was born. While she is there she hears Xavier returning and Wednesday hides under the bed. The siren Bianca who is Xavier’s ex comes to visit. She speaks ill of Wednesday and says she doesn’t like her because she thinks she’s better than everybody else. 

            Wednesday’s extremely perky roommate Enid has asked Wednesday to be on her team for the annual no rules boat race and she’s refused. But now to defeat Bianca she agrees to become her co-pilot. Enid’s team wear cat costumes similar to that of Catwoman in the second Batman movie. Bianca has a student who is a merman hold the other boats back but Wednesday has rigged her team’s boat with a net that snares him. Later he frees himself but she has Thing jump in the water and knock him out with one punch. 

            There is a connection between Rowan’s book and the secret student Nightshades Society. It’s headquarters is a secret library that must be accessed by answering a riddle and she figures that the answer is snapping her fingers twice. There is a portrait of her parents below. It turns out that Edgar Allan Poe was Nevermore’s most famous student. 

            Enid is played by Emma Myers, who was home schooled and so she sought out a sense of community through theatre and dancing. She made her film debut in Letters to God in 2010 and her TV debut in The Glades in 2010. She co-starred in the film Family Switch, She stars in A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder, She won a Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award for her performance in the Minecraft Movie. Astrid and I chatted for about an hour after watching the show. She’d like to get a corgi but is worried she wouldn’t be up to the responsibility. Plus she lives on the second floor and corgis aren’t good with stairs.

May 29, 1996: I performed at Fat Albert's

Thirty years ago today

            On Wednesday after work I performed on the Fat Albert’s open stage and later at the Art Bar reading series.

Joel Grey

            On Tuesday it was my birthday. 

            I listened to some Bach Cantatas during yoga.

            I made a list of Boris Vian songs from 1956. There are a lot and many of them are rock and roll songs that have “Rock” in the title. 

            I played my Martin during song practice although today was supposed to be a day to play my Gibson Les Paul Studio. Since it was my birthday I decided to avoid the hassle of dealing with electronics. I didn’t do a full set this time but only the songs that needed a lot of work. 

            I rode up to Dufferin and Dundas to Dad’s Breakfast Sandwiches because I’d passed the place a few days ago and the idea of a place specializing in breakfast sandwiches sounded appealing. I ordered the 48 Dad with egg, bacon, hash brown, cheese, and jalapenos. I took it home and ate it while watching the first episode of Dark Shadows. The sandwich was disappointing because I could make a better tasting breakfast sandwich than that. 

            I used to watch Dark Shadows after school when I was a kid and decided to revisit the show. But the so called first episode in the set that I downloaded seemed to be only a recap of the first season. Victoria Winters narrates the story of her journey to Collingwood in Collinsport, Maine in the summer of 1966. She’s been hired as a governess for nine year old David Collins and she’s hoping that this new life will help her rise above her past, as she grew up in an orphanage. But she also hopes it will shed a light on her past because she believes she has a connection to the Collins family. The matriarch of Collingwood is Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, who has not left the estate since the disappearance of her husband Paul 18 years ago. Her brother Roger, the father of David, also lives there along with Elizabeth’s 18 year old daughter Caroline. It’s dark out and after getting off the train Victoria is looking for a taxi. She sees a man named Burk Devlin standing alone on the street and asks where she can get a cab. A limo stops for him and he offers her a lift to the hotel where she can get a taxi. On the way he tries to discourage her from going to Collingwood and to return to New York as fast as she can. At a café in town she gets the same advice from the waiter Maggie Evans. Victoria moves in to Collingwood. Her charge David is a troubled boy and his father plans to send him away so David tries to kill him by sabotaging his car. Victoria learns that Collingwood’s caretaker Matthew Morgan has killed Bill Malloy, the manager of the Collins fishing fleet so he kidnaps her and holds her captive in an abandoned house on the estate. She is saved by the ghosts of Josette Collins and Bill Malloy. Roger’s wife and David’s mother Laura returns to Collingwood. Laura is an immortal phoenix who is reborn from fiery ashes every hundred years. She tries to lure David into the flames. Burk uncovers that Roger was responsible for an automobile accident that sent him to prison for five years. Elizabeth encounters Jason McGuire who is a sleezy friend of her missing husband. He blackmails her into letting him live at Collingwood because he has information that ties her to her husband’s disappearance. He knows that she killed him. Willy Loomis is a drifter friend of Jason’s who becomes an unwelcome guest at Collingwood. He learns that many of the Collins family were buried with their jewels and goes to the Collins mausoleum to rob their graves. He uses a block and tackle to try to open one of the sealed coffins but hears a strange thumping sound from inside the crypt and almost runs away. But the noise stops as he is about to leave so he regains his courage and returns to his efforts. But while he works on the coffin the door to the crypt opens and he enters. That’s the end of the summary. 

            With a hammer and chisel I finished knocking the plaster from the part of eastern wall of my living room that surrounds the passage to the kitchen and freed up the brick wall behind it. 

            After cleaning up the broken plaster and mopping the floor in that area, I had a bagel with peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar while watching the second episode of my Dark Shadows download. This was clearly not the beginning of the series. 

            This story takes place slightly before when the summary leaves off. Elizabeth wants Willy out of the Collingwood and agrees to pay him to leave. Meanwhile Willy goes to the toolshed to steal the equipment he needs to rob the Collins graves. Three quarters of the way through the episode we get to the point where the summary left off as Willy approaches the now opened door to the crypt. He finds a chained coffin and hears the thumping sound again but his greed doesn’t allow him to run away. He uses his tools to break the chains and opens the coffin. Immediately two hands reach up to grip his throat. 

            I searched for a torrent containing the real beginning of the series and found a file called Dark Shadows Beginnings, containing episodes 1 to 209. I started downloading it although I wasn’t sure if this was a prequel that was written after the original series. 

            I took a siesta and got up at around 16:15. 

            I headed up to the Dufferin Mall to search for cotton shammy cloths for cleaning my guitar or polishing a car or leather or whatever. I was surprised that they didn’t have anything like that at Walmart. I bought a pack of flour sack cloths, although I wasn’t sure if they were what I need. 

            I rode to Long and McQuade where I bought a microfiber cloth specifically for cleaning guitars.

            I rode downtown and stopped at Alforat the Iraqi street food restaurant at Yonge and Dundas. There’s a video above the door that shows them making something that looks delicious, so I asked the woman taking the orders what that is and she said chicken shawarma. She pronounced “shawarma” almost as “shaarma” with just a slight kiss of the “w”. She was obviously Middle Eastern and I assume Iraqi but she wore a cross. I had to wait about ten minutes for my shawarma and it was fairly large. I didn’t eat it right away when I got home because it was still an hour or so until suppertime. 

            I weighed 89.25 kilos at 19:00. 

            I heated some oven fries for half an hour and put in the shawarma for the last fifteen minutes. I had them with a beer while watching season 7, episode 19 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            In the Carol and Sis skit, Chrissie has a date. Gary is an extremely outgoing, confident and hip little guy with a moustache. He wears a jean jacket and genes with rhinestones. He sits on the couch close to Carol with his arm behind her and tells her she has outtasight teeth. He flirts with Carol and then is all over Chrissie, then the phone rings and it’s Gary’s mommy asking for him. He comes to the phone and says “Hi Mommy”. Then Gary says he has to brush his teeth because his mommy says, “Brush your teeth whenever you can, it helps fight off the cavity man”. Gary goes to the bathroom but comes back to call his mommy and tell her they use a toothpaste without Florestan. Mommy says he can skip it tonight. Mommy calls again and says she wants to talk to Roger. Roger says “Hello” and Mommy hangs up. Gary says she just wanted to hear his voice. Carol asks Gary if his mother always calls him like this. He says she used to call his father like that all the time until about five years ago when they lost him. Carols says, “I’m sorry!” Gary says, “He’s not. He ran off with the Avon lady.” Gary gets another call and from his reaction it looks like something horrible has happened. He tells Mommy not to panic and he’ll be right there. He tells Chrissie he’ll have to take a rain check on their date. His mommy was baking a cake and she ran out of eggs. He has to bring her some right away. He takes off his fake moustache and sideburns and hands them to Roger, saying, “My Mommy would kill me”. He’s on his way out the door when Chrissie stops him and tells him they can pick up some eggs for her before their date. He asks, “You still want to go out with me?” She says, “You’re kind of cute under all that fuzz”. After they leave, the phone rings again. Roger tells Gary’s mother that he hasn’t left yet but he can’t come to the phone because he’s standing in the middle of the living room naked and burning his toothbrush. 

            Harvey plays a legendary German director who has come out of retirement to make a movie starring Carol’s parody of Shirley Temple: Rhoda Dimple. She is in a scene with Lyle playing her grandpa and he is dying. She begs him not to go because they’ll put her in an orphanage. He dies and she cries, then the scene is over and she asks for a cigarette. She pushes Lyle’s wheelchair out of the way. Max declares that the movie is finished but Dimple says it’s not because she hasn’t had her close-up. He refuses, she kicks, punches, bites, and screams but Max says no. Finally she threatens to tell the papers about how he walks around in lady’s underwear. He says he’ll give her the close-up. Her mother comes and fixes her hair while Dimple verbally abuses her. Max decides not to giver her a closeup after all and so she grabs a sword and cuts his belt so his pants fall down revealing lady’s pink underwear with lacy trim. He says she can have her close-up but the camera keeps coming closer and closer until she is pushed through a wall. 

            Vincent Price does a tribute to the humourous side of Abraham Lincoln in celebration of his 165th birthday. He tells the story of Lincoln attending the theatre and placing his stove pipe hat upside down on the seat next to him. A big woman comes and sits on it and Lincoln responds that he could have told her it wouldn’t fit before she tried it on. 

            Carol plays a hotel phone operator listening in on the calls she relays. Vincent plays George who’s in town for the sump pump convention. He calls Linda (played by Vickie) who’s in the bathtub. He wants her to go to dinner but after what happened last time she turns him down. George calls Ted who is also in town for the convention and he agrees to gort for dinner at the Hungarian restaurant called Tokyo Ben’s. Linda calls George back and says she will join him after all so George tries to think of how to get out of dinner with Ted. Then Jack (played by Lyle) calls Linda and asks her out to dinner at Wolfgang’s Cacciatori Gardens. She agrees to go with Jack. George calls Ted and says he’s got a headache and can’t go to dinner. George calls Linda to tell her he’s now free for dinner. She agrees to go with him. Ted asks Jack to dinner but he says he’s made other arrangements. Linda calls Jack and lies that she has a headache. Ted calls Linda and asks her to dinner. She tells him she’s going with George. He says George told him he’s having dinner in his room. Linda doesn’t want to have dinner in George’s room so she agrees to go with Ted. Jack calls Ted but he tells him he called somebody else. Linda calls George to say she doesn’t want to have dinner in his room. He says they’ll go to Tokyo Ben’s. She says she’s made other arrangements but he reminds her that they had a date so she says she’ll try to get out of it. Linda calls Ted and he knows she’s cancelling. Jack and Ted call each other and Linda and George call each other. Jack and Ted are going to dinner and Linda and Jack are going but they don’t want to go to Tokyo Ben’s because they might run into the people they ditched and so they all agree on Madame Ing’s. Carol makes reservations for Madame Ing’s as well so she can watch it all unfold. 

            Vincent Price and Harvey doing his Peter Lorre impression are two spies who meet on a dark street. They exchange passwords and Harvey asks for the state secrets. Vincent asks for the money. Harvey gives him $749,980. Vincent says he’s $20 short. Harvey gives him his last $8 but Vincent tells him he still owes him $12. Harvey sells him his trenchcoat for $10 but still owes $2. Harvey sells Vincent his suit jacket and pants and argues that it’s imported from London. Vincent says they are in London and so it’s a domestic suit so he only pays him $1.70. Vincent says he’ll give 30 cents for his tie, one shoe and one sock. He gets the state secret but now he needs busfare so he sells Vincent his shirt for ten cents. At the bus stop there are several other spies in their underwear and wearing only one shoe.

            Vincent plays a street puppeteer and sings “Comedy Tonight” by Stephen Sondheim from the 1962 musical A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Forum. He opens the curtains on his little puppet theatre and there are Joel Grey as Punch and Carol as Judy. They sing about how they’ve learned the trick to a successful marriage and if you want love to bloom start a fight. If something’s missing in your life beat your wife. If he is making you his slave break his toes. If something’s missing in your man kick his can. They sing while they hit each other. The street audience all jump up to dance and the men and women hit each other with paddles and brooms. 

            Joel Grey knew at the age of 9 that he wanted to be an actor. His father was Mickey Katz who had a hit record with a Yiddish song and put together a variety show. Joel sang the Yiddish song “Romania Romania”. He made his acting debut at the age of 10 in Curtain Puller’s Children’s Theatre at the Cleveland Playhouse. Eddie Cantor saw Joel perform and put him on his Colgate Comedy Hour as a regular performer from 1951 to 1954. He began performing in nightclubs across the US. He made his film debut in About Face in 1952. He was the first guest on the 1968 version of What’s My Line. He won a Tony award for his performance in Cabaret on Broadway and an Oscar for the film adaptation. He co-starred in Man on a Swing, Remo Williams (for which he was nominated for a Golden Globe), Kafka, Buffalo Bill and the Indians, The Music of Chance, Dancer in the Dark, . He starred in The Fantasticks, He was the guest star in the first episode of The Muppet Show in 1976. He was nominated for an Emmy for his guest performance on Brooklyn Bridge. He guest starred in the 28th episode of Star Trek: Voyageur: “Resistance”. He played the demon Doc on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He was nominated for Tony Awards for his performances in the original Broadway productions of George M, Goodtime Charley, and The Grand Tour. He created the role of The Wizard in the original Broadway production of Wicked. He was nominated for a Best Director Tony for The Normal Heart. He is also a photographer who has published four books of his work. He’s the father of Jennifer Grey who co-starred in Dirty Dancing. He came out as gay in 2015 after 24 years of marriage to Jo Wilder with whom he had two children. I wonder if anyone was surprised. His 2016 memoir was entitled Master of Ceremonies. 

            I watched one more episode of my first download of Dark Shadows while Dark Shadows Beginnings was still downloading. Willie Loomis is missing and has not come for the money that he was to collect as a motivation to leave Collingwood. Elizabeth wants him found so they can be sure of his final departure and she has tasked Jason with the responsibility of finding him. Mrs. Johnson the housekeeper says she saw Willie prowling around the tool shed last night. She tells him that Willie found out from her that some of the Collins family were buried with their jewellery and he found that very interesting. Jason goes to the mausoleum where he meets the caretaker who says he saw Willie earlier and let him in because he claimed he was a Collins and wanted to pay his respects. He says he thought he left but later he saw the lock had been broken on the door. Jason goes inside and the only evidence he finds is a cigarette butt that Willie left behind. Back at Collingwood Mrs. Johnson answers the door and a man who says he’s Elizabeth’s cousin from England asks to see her. Johnson invites him in. He says he is Barnabus Collins, who is supposed to be dead.