Food Bank Adventures: Headless in Parkdale

            On Saturday morning I finished posting my translation of  “Ah! Si j'avais un franc cinquante” (Oh If I Had A Dollar Fifty) by Boris Vian. The next Vian song I translate, memorize and learn to play will be his “Barcelone”.

I worked out the chords for most of the chorus of “Joujou a la casse" (Dolly to the Trash) by Serge Gainsbourg.

During song practice my B string continues to go out of tune although I have a new machine head for it. A lot of players find that their B string goes off more than others. It might be the way I play or just the nature of guitars in general.

A little after 9:35 I went to the food bank. For the first time in a long time I wore my Blundies, jeans and an open long sleeved shirt instead of sandals, shorts and a tank top. On my way there a woman who looked like she’d been drawn by Robert Crumb ran across the street in front of me and forced me to stop for a second.

Once again my spot in the line-up was the orange pastel heart. It was an interesting coincidence that I knew the names of the first three people in front of me, since that’s never happened before. Just ahead was Billy, from Cuba; in front of him was Graham; and before him was Beth.

Beth was too far away to have any extended chats but she asked how I was doing. I told her and Graham that I’ve been getting ready for classes to start next week. I said it’s going to be weird because all my classes and tutorials are online this term. So far I haven't heard that I need Zoom for tutorials but it's hard for me to see how they would work without something like that. In anticipation of that I bought a webcam but when I tried to install it on Friday I found that the streaming software that it needed isn’t compatible with my computer. I'll have to return the device to Staples and get my $100 back. Since everyone's buying webcams right now the one I bought was one of two on the shelf. I might have to look elsewhere for a more user friendly webcam. Graham commented that everyone’s on Zoom these days.

Graham informed me that the statue of the Virgin Mary in front of the Our Lady of Lebanon Church across the street had been beheaded. I looked and saw that the statue was now wrapped with a white canvas. It happened early on Sunday August 30. I offered the view that it was probably the work of drunken vandals rather than a politically motivated gesture. Graham suggested that only a nutcase could have damaged a statue of the Virgin Mary. I suggested that it was more likely someone that was temporarily insane since the permanently insane are used to their conditions and know better how to cope with them. I offered that the culprit was probably an ex-Catholic since they’re the only ones these days that might be bitter enough to pull something like this off. I added however that there was a time when Catholics were severely persecuted. I gave the example of a few hundred years ago when Catholic priests were hung if they tried to preach in the city of Boston. It’s ironic that now it's a hardcore Catholic city.

Since then I’ve looked at the church’s camera image of the suspect. He's tall with long black hair and a clean shaven face but it's a blurry image. He looks like he could be Indigenous and if that’s true it might be understandable that he would be angry at the Catholic church. He doesn't look old enough to have been in a Catholic run residential school but his parents could have. He could have once been in a Catholic run training school like the one my ex-girlfriend's son was imprisoned in back in the 80s. These places were reform schools that weren’t specifically for Indigenous kids but for any males too young for the prison system. Of course however, just as in Canadian prisons there would have been a disproportionate number of  Indigenous kids like Thomas there. His mother and I used to visit him at the St John’s Training School in Uxbridge on weekends, and we could walk into Uxbridge with him to play pool and take him to a restaurant. At least once we had dinner in the main dining room with all the other boys and the people that ran the place. The boys all had to make a lot of religious gestures and phrases to please the administration. They also had to participate in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, which seemed weird to me since twelve step programs are supposed to be voluntary. I didn’t witness any abuse or hear about any from Thomas but there were arrests made years later of priests involved with the schools. The St John’s Training School dropped the name of the beheaded martyr and later became the Kennedy Detention Centre but was closed around 2004.

I don’t know if the vandal was Indigenous or if the beheading of the statue of the Virgin Mary wasn’t just an indifferent act of vandalism. But if I had been forced to live in a place where the image of Mary was prominent and if I had been abused while being made to say “Hail Marys”, I might feel inclined when in a certain mood to knock the head off of Mary’s statue at least once.

The idea of vandalism reminded me of the Canadian hitchhiking robot that successfully crossed Canada from mid July to mid August of 2014 and even attended a First Nations Powow where it was given the name “Iron Woman”. In 2015 a second Hitchbot successfully hitchhiked around Germany and the Netherlands but in July of 2015 when an attempt was made for it to cross the United States from Boston to San Francisco, after two weeks the robot was found in Philadelphia, decapitated and gutted of all its wiring. The head was never found. Talk about a living illustration of the difference between Canada and the US! Graham said, “Why am I not surprised?” It seems to me that the decapitation of Hitchbot was more of a shame than that of the statue of Mary because Hitchbot was entirely about good will with no pain infused dogmatic baggage being carried along for the ride.

A volunteer named Caleb came down the line handing out large paper bags of vegetables. Mine had three orange peppers, three red delicious apples, three lemons and a 680 gram bag of pre-washed little red potatoes. Remembering that Beth had told me how much she likes lemons I walked over and gave mine to her. It sounds ironic but not for Beth that she told me I was sweet to give her lemons.

About fifteen minutes later we got our boxes of food.

I took a box of Sautao Chinese almond cookies; three little bags of coffee; three boxes containing three each of apple, pineapple and coconut bars; three peanut, pecan, banana and dark chocolate bars; and two 250 ml pouches of organic baked beans by Seeds of Change. This company began in 1989 as an organic seed company dedicated to preserving heirloom seed varieties. Their food line was launched in 1997. One percent of their profits goes towards projects to help communities grow their own food. That doesn’t seem like a big donation to me. Their website says that to date they’ve given $1 million, which means they’ve made $100 million in profit, so I think they could afford to give more than 1%.

I also kept the box of Shreddies with granola; the three drinking boxes of strawberry Nesquick; the litre of 2% milk; a can of peaches; and the 750 gram container of vanilla Greek yogourt.

Finally there was another bag of six Mad Engine face masks. This time none of the masks had any printing, patterns or stains and two of them were black. I’m going to have to get more furniture just to contain all the masks I’ve accumulated.

Knowing how he craves carbs I gave my loaf of light rye and my spaghetti to Graham the Carbo-naut. I gave my six eggs to Beth. I offered my stuffing and candy to Billy but he said he already had some stuffing and told me that even though he comes from the land of sugar he can’t handle eating it anymore. Beth took those items off my hands but then set down her box beside me and it had a lot of stuff that she didn’t want. So double all of the bars, coffee and yogourt that I mentioned above. She tried to give me her Shreddies granola but I’ve got cereal coming out of the wazoo.

There was no meat whatsoever this time and other than a couple of items containing bits of meat, it’s been over a month since we’ve received any solid meat from the food bank. It’s almost as if it were a vegan plot to gradually wean us of animal protein.
            There seemed to be an excessive amount of health bars.

There were also no green vegetables when, in the light of recent events, it would have been appropriate to at least supply us with a cabbage or lettuce head.

I took my food home and put it away but when I looked at the canned peaches I saw that the syrup was sweetened with Sucralose and so on my way to the supermarket I rode back to the food bank and left it with a box of other unwanted items that were sitting outside the door.

I front of No Frills a middle aged couple were struggling to push a shopping cart full of groceries to unload into their car but the wheels wouldn’t move. I informed them that the wheels were locked beyond a certain point and so they carried their food and then the lady huffed and puffed to get the cart back onto No Frills property.

I bought a three litre basket of field tomatoes; three bags of very cheap but a bit soft red grapes; a plastic basket of nectarines; a watermelon; a pack of chicken legs; and some mouthwash.

When I got home my next apartment neighbour Benji was standing in front of our building looking like a plain clothes doorman. He explained that he’d ordered breakfast down the street at the Skyline and he was just waiting for it to be ready. Just then two of my former PARC yoga students called to me and came over to chat. They said they have a yoga teacher in their building now. The woman from India said that she’d tried to get them to hire me. I told her that I've gotten used to not teaching and so I don’t really care anymore. The blonde woman said that the pandemic has caused them to get more exercise since they can’t sit in restaurants anymore. I complimented them both that they looked very nice as if they were on their way to a date. The Indian woman said, “Where’s the man?" They were meeting a third woman who'd also been to my yoga class once or twice.

Benji and I talked about the Indian music that we’ve been hearing in the morning. He'd thought that I was playing it but I've heard it when I get up at 5:00 and it sounds like it's coming from downstairs in Popeye’s kitchen. Benji says the owners of this Popeye’s are Bangladeshi Muslims.

For lunch I had a toasted pretzel bun with cheddar, tomato and cucumber.

I spent the rest of the day trying to catch up on my journal.

That night I had a fried egg and a warmed up naan with a beer while watching two episodes of “The Count of Monte Cristo".

In the first story it is 1836 and a Texan diplomat named Crane travelling in France with his daughter Martha to get recognition for Texas as a nation are attacked by Mexican sympathizers. Crane is wounded but Martha is a very good shot and the ambushers ride away. The count, Jacopo and Rico just happen to be riding nearby and they come to take the wounded man back to the count’s chateau. There Crane tells the story of the struggle of Texas to have independence from Mexico and particularly of the massacre at the Alamo. The count is very easily convinced that their cause is just and he says he will help them. It doesn’t mention that Texas had one African slave for every five white people and that one of the reasons they wanted independence was because Mexico had outlawed slavery.

The count rides to appeal to the prime minister on behalf of Crane but is ambushed by two men led by a man with a hook for a hand. He asks the count to stop helping Crane but he refuses and so he is tied to a tree and whipped. But after only five strokes the count loses consciousness. Who faints after five? I’ve been whipped more than that by two dominatrixes at once. I guess they didn’t have time in the show for a realistic whipping. They leave him tied to the tree and Jacopo and Rico find him there. The Council of the Four Power Alliance is meeting that night for the last time before the summer recess and so the count goes to Paris to talk with the prime minister. He tells him members of his own ministry are taking bribes from Mexico and that he will prove it. The prime minister says it is not the business of France but the count threatens to throw the weight of his powerful Bank of Monte Cristo against the bank of France. The prime minister agrees to allow Crane to address the Council but only if the count can prove the allegations against the members of his government. When the count returns home he finds Martha and Jacopo unconscious and Crane has been abducted. Jacopo overheard the man with the Hook say he was taking Crane to the Three Bulls Inn. Crane is not at the inn but the man with the hook is. He tells the count that Crane will be returned unharmed after it is too late for him to address the Council. Crane’s friend the diplomat Henri Matin suddenly aims his pistols at the count and reveals that he is on Mexico's side. He says that they have to kill everyone now. The count kicks a stool at Matin, causing him to misfire and the count and his men attack. Matin says Crane is at his home. The count tells him he’s taking him with him and then Matin suddenly has the fakest heart attack I’ve ever seen and dies. The count provides proof that Matin had been accepting bribes from Mexico and so the prime minister agrees to hear Crane’s cause.

Martha was played by Betta St John, who made her film debut at the age of ten in the western, “Destry Rides Again” in which she sang the Marlene Dietrich song "Little Joe". She grew to success in Broadway musicals. She made her adult film debut in “Dream Wife” with Cary Grant. She was a B level co-star in several films but finally retired in 1960.

In the second story an Italian rebel named Mazzini is captured by the Austrian oppressors. The count and his men come to help Mazzini’s fiancé Carla Damico to free the rebel leader. They learn that Mazzini will be hung at dawn and so the count goes to the prison disguised as a hooded priest to give him his last rights. The count pulls the old robe switch trick and stays in the cell while Mazzini leaves in the robes. The baron in command decides to hand the count as Mazzini and no one will know the difference. Rico and Jacopo receive a letter tied to a rock thrown through the window that says that the count is being held at Reiker’s own quarters but Manoeuvre 17 has been known to work. Meanwhile Reiker and his man Friedrich are trying force the count to talk. Suddenly the count throws a chair at the men and smashes through the window to fall into a waiting hay wagon driven  by Jacopo and Rico. They go back to Mazzini’s hideout and prepare for Mazzini to escape when Reicker and his men arrive. They fight off most of the soldiers but Reicker and Friedrich have guns and the count and his men must drop their swords. Reicker is about to use his sword on the count when the count asks Friedrich for his sword. He hands it to him because Friedrich is really the count’s agent. The count duels with Reicker and wins and so Mazzini is able to escape to France.

Carla was played by Maureen Connell.