Beer Opener

Perhaps it was the Caribana party atmosphere on Saturday, the weather, the can-do attitude pumped into me after four hours at Bike Pirates, or all three, but I suddenly had the idea that this would be the day that I would try to force open the beer keg that my upstairs neighbour, David had given me. I went back to Bike Pirates and asked Tom if he knew how to open a Heineken keg. He told me that all I would need was a screwdriver and a hammer. At that time the landlord was with someone doing some work on the deck. I had lunch and then took a siesta. When I got up I rechecked a couple of websites and YouTube tutorials. None of them told me exactly how to open the one that I had, but I figured it was time. I washed five salad bowls and a roasting pan. I dug two kinds of screwdrivers, three kinds of pliers and a hammer out of my tool drawer, took them all out onto the deck and set them on the railing. I brought the keg out and rested it on the railing as well, then I climbed over onto the roof. I lined up all the salad bowls in order from lowest to highest, I set the roasting pan sideways at the lowest end and set the keg inside of it, tilted towards the row of salad bowls. I took my star-head screwdriver and placed it against the top centre of the keg and then whacked the handle with the hammer. It took a couple of hits before a needle-thin gush of beer started spurting out. I punctured the can further until a decent amount of beer wash shooting out and then I aimed it towards the salad bowls. I really just needed the two glass salad bowls because they held the contents, plus the beer looked nicer in transparent bowls.

Once the pressure was gone there wasn’t much left in the keg but I held it upside down over a bowl to get it all out. I knew the stuff was going to go flat fairly quickly so I wanted to see if I could find a neighbour to share some with. I went upstairs and rapped on David’s door. There were three pairs of boots outside his door, so I figured he was home but maybe sleeping. I knocked on Benji’s door but he said that though he used to drink beer he’s on medication now that won’t allow it. Using a measuring cup I served myself a tall glass and then I went out on the roof to gather up my tools and bowls. That’s when David came out. I asked if he wanted some beer and he said he did. I handed him a salad bowl full but he said he didn’t want that much. He pointed to the glass that I had sitting on the kitchen table and said he’d just take something like that, so I filled my tall pilsner glass and gave it to him. He asked me if I wanted ten dollars. I really did want ten dollars because I could have used it to buy a battery for my guitar tuner, but I felt awkward telling him that I wanted ten dollars. If he’d worded his question differently I would have taken the money, but I just said for him to bring the glass back later. I transferred the rest of the beer to two sealable containers and put them in the fridge.

I had a second glass of beer with my dinner while watching an episode of Maverick that guest starred a young Clint Eastwood. Eastwood’s character was gunning for Maverick after he beat him in a fistfight. Maverick didn’t think he could beat the man in a gunfight and so he staged a gunfight with his brother Bart who’d arrived in town posing as John Wesley Hardin. Shooting blanks, Bret outdrew “Hardin” and thus scared Eastwood’s character away.