My New Favourite Superhero

            After the food bank on Saturday I took my items home to put away and then grabbed the $50 PC gift card that my neighbour David had given me on Boxing Day down to No Frills. I think that I didn’t have to spend the whole $50 all at once but it seemed like a hassle to hold onto it with just a few dollars balance and so I made sure I spent more than $50.

            I didn’t get any fruit this time because the grapes were soft and the berries expensive.

            Now that I have a decent sized freezer I can buy extra meat and store it, so the pork roast and the two pork tenderloins ate almost half of the gift card.

            I remembered two things that I’d forgotten to buy earlier in the week: shaving gel and Earl Grey tea.

            The only other food item I got was a container of yogourt and the rest of my purchases were toilet paper, dish detergent, mouthwash and hair conditioner.

            I wasn’t sure if I’d made it to $50 or not so I was ready to grab some chocolate bars if I came up under, but it was $56.95, so I paid the rest in cash.

            When I got home I went back out to the liquor store and bought a case of eight Creemore. I didn’t plan on drinking that much beer on New Years Eve and though I might have an extra one or two, this case would probably last me through the first weekend in January.

            After lunch I took a late siesta and ended up sleeping an hour longer than usual. It was after dark when I got up.

            I did some writing.

            That night I ate some more turkey, dressing and cranberry sauce with a beer and watched Deadpool 2. This was one of the funniest movies that I’ve seen in a long time. The violence was pretty gruesome but they intermix it with so much slapstick and just plain ridiculous moves that soften the brutality.

            Spoiler alert!

            Deadpool must have killed over a hundred bad guys in about five different scenes in the opener, of course with a lot of funny patter and commentary while fighting. After killing a bunch of bikers in a strip club he goes sliding on his knees down the runway and he’s suddenly sliding between two pools in a Japanese bath. The samurais in the water suddenly lift their swords from the water on the pivot of their laps and it looks like Deadpool is giving them all an erection. And then they all die of course.

Deadpool does all this on the evening of his anniversary with his girlfriend Vanessa and so he is late. At first he offers a series of ridiculous excuses such as, “I was rounding up all the gluten in the world and launching it into space where it can’t not hurt us ever again” but finally she forgives him. He gift to him is her IUD. They are about to make a super baby when and assassin steps in. Deadpool is not able to stop the bullet from killing Vanessa. At this point the opening credits roll but instead of showing the names of the people behind the movie, it instead shows the probably thoughts of many viewers after having seen Vanessa killed: A film by Wait A Minute; produced by Did You Just Kill Her? presented by What The Fuck?; production designer She Was Like Everyone’s Favourite Character; film editors Good Luck Bringing Me Back Fuckheads; starring Obviously Reynolds Didn’t Want To Share The Spotlight; directed by One Of The Guys Who Killed The Dog In John Wick.

Deadpool is sitting at the bar where he’s been for three days and feeling sorry for himself when Weasel the bartender asks, “Are you pissing right now?” At that point I spit up my swig of beer into my hand and had to wipe myself off.

Deadpool visits Vanessa somehow in dreams or visions. He can see her but there’s a barrier he can’t get through. She tells him his heart is in the wrong place. He takes that as a signal that he should finally join the X-Men, even though he says, “I’m obviously not X-Men material because I’m not a virgin.”

All of the X-Men are shown briefly as the Beast closes the door of a meeting room in the mansion that Deadpool calls Chateau de Virgin. There are only three X-Men really involved in the movie: Colossus, who Deadpool calls Shiny Ghandi among other things; Negasonic Teenage Warhead and her pink haired very feminine lover Yukio, who Deadpool refers to as Pinky Pie from My Little Pony.

Deadpool goes on a mission with the X-Men to stop a 14-year-old mutant named Fire Fist from wreaking havoc at a school that teaches young mutants how to suppress their powers. The school is run by a sadistic priest. Deadpool takes out Fire Fist but when he hears about kids being tortured at this school he goes rogue and shoots several of the orderlies that Fire Fist said had hurt him. Deadpool is immediately taken out by Colossus and a mutant power-nullifying collar is placed around his neck. He and Fire Fist are taken to the maximum-security mutant prison known as Ice Box. With his powers nullified Deadpool is just a man dying of terminal cancer.

Cable arrives from the future. He’s part machine but the machinery might be organic technology. He seems to have an endless supply of guns and bullets and maybe his body generates them. He’s there to kill Fire Fist because when Fire Fist grows up he kills Cable’s wife and daughter. Deadpool fights him without his powers but a fall from a very great height breaks both his neck and the inhibiting collar, so his neck immediately heals. He and Cable continue to fight and end up getting teleported out into the surrounding frozen landscape. Deadpool ends up going over a cliff into a glacial lake. While he’s drowning Deadpool meets Vanessa again. She tells him children help us become better people. Deadpool realizes he needs to save Fire Fist.

Weasel tells him that the prisoners from Ice Box are being transferred to another prison via armoured convoy. Deadpool decides to start a team to help him. They take on various team members with normal mutant powers, like manipulating electromagnetic fields and spitting acid. Another guy named Shatterstar says he’s from the planet Mojoworld and his power is that he’s just better than everybody at everything. This is obviously a parody of Superman. Deadpool says, “Just once I’d like to find a planet where everybody’s worse than me at everything! I’ll go there and be their Superman!” Weasel asks, “Isn’t that Canada?” Deadpool says, “You shut your goddamn trash mouth!” They hire the Vanisher though they don’t know whether he showed up to try out or not. Then comes Domino who says her power is that she’s lucky. Deadpool has a long argument with her that that’s not a superpower but she gets in because she’s lucky. The final member is Peter, who has no powers at all but he has both type one and type two diabetes so they hire him.

The team parachutes down to intercept the prison convoy but almost all of them veer off course and die. When the Vanisher is electrocuted by power lines we see briefly that he’s played by Brad Pitt. The only one who makes it is Domino, who is great. Being lucky would be one of the best super powers.

The convoy is wrecked and Fire Fist escapes with his new friend The Juggernaut. The Juggernaut rips Deadpool in half. Ryan Reynolds also does the voice of the Juggernaut. Deadpool has to recover and for a while is walking on little boy’s legs as they grow back. Fire Fist and the Juggernaut go to the school to kill the headmaster. Deadpool has to stop him because that’s what sets Fire Fist off on getting a taste for killing and causes Cable’s family to die. Cable joins Deadpool and gives him a chance to save Fire Fist from killing.

At the school Colossus, Negasonic Warhead and Yukio come to help Deadpool. The three fight Juggernaut. Yukio has an electric whip. I won’t tell you how they defeat Juggernaut but it’s pretty funny.

Deadpool saves Fire Fist from a future as a villain by putting on a power nullifying collar and jumping in front of the bullet that Cable shoots to kill Fire Fist. Deadpool has a very long and very funny death scene. His last request is to hear Colossus say something dirty before he dies.

Cable’s time device was only good for a round trip but he sacrifices his trip back to the future to go slightly back in time and save Deadpool.

During the credits Deadpool gets Negasonic Warhead to fix Cable’s time device. He uses it to go back and save Vanessa, he goes the point where Ryan Reynolds is first reading the script for Green Lantern and declaring, “Goddamn that’s beautiful!” He saves Peter from dying. Deadpool shoots Ryan Reynolds in the head and calls out, “You’re welcome Canada!” He goes back to kill baby Hitler but can’t bring himself to do it so he just changes Hitler’s diaper and leaves.

The last two songs in the closing credits are very funny. There’s Deadpool Rap by Team Headkick: “Nuts for luck get the party started / Knock you out like Colossus farted”. But the best is the final song by a choir about Juggernaut called “You Can’t Stop This Motherfucker” with the refrain, “Holy shitballs!”