Sexy Religion

            On Wednesday I took the rest of my year’s accumulation of beer cans and wine bottles plus the 5 litres keg that David gave me last year to the Beer Store. There was less than on my last trip but it still filled two garbage bags. Remembering how hard it had been to grip two garbage bags in my winter glove last time, I put my gloves in my backpack and rode up Brock Avenue bare handed. The cold was too much though so once I got to Dundas I put my gloves on and it was actually no problem riding at all. Maybe that was because the bags were slightly less full than the time before and so there was more plastic to grip.

            There were 89 cans, three wind bottles and the keg. Remembering that they don’t take beer cans from the United States I asked if that applied to imported wine but the guy said don’t worry about it. I got $9.70 back. I looked it up later and saw that they take back any liquor or wine bottles over 100 ml. I also found out that one can return all of one’s cans and bottles when one has beer delivered but one has to make sure before making the order that one has counted all of the bottles and cans and put them into containers according to Beer Store specifications.

            On my way home I swung down to Freshco where I bought grapes, blueberries, coffee and yogourt. I splurged on three bags of organic milk, which costs twice as much as regular milk. I didn’t notice any difference in my coffee but hadn’t tried it in my cereal yet.

            The cashier was a trainee being supervised by one of the veterans and so the line was moving quite slowly. I could have switched lanes and gotten through faster but I wasn’t in a hurry and figured she’s got to get experience somehow. She was a very slim young woman of East Indian descent and she sounded like she had a bit of a cold. She was sniffling a lot and letting out little whisper-coughs from time to time. I hoped I didn’t catch her cold when she handed me the receipt. But when I think about it a cashier touches everything one brings home, including one's change and so one touches it all when putting it away, so cashiers are probably the easiest spreaders of viruses.

I weighed myself after a bowel movement and I was 91.6 kilos, which is a drop of 700 grams from the day before. How much does poop weigh anyway?

I spent a lot of the day writing my review of Avengers: Infinity War. I didn’t quite finish.

I made a perfect turkey gravy but it seems the heat was too high and it separated.

I watched the first two episodes of the latest season of South Park.
            Spoiler alert!

In the first story South Park elementary has a school shooting every day but the students and most of the parents have started to think of it as normal, except for Stan’s mother Sharon. She is very upset about it and is even more upset about the fact that no one else is upset. Randy thinks that Sharon must be on her period. He seeks medical advice from one of the ambulance drivers that are carrying away injured students after a shooting. The EMT tells him that Sharon might be going through menopause. Randy says, “I don’t even know what that is!” He is told that it’s like a super period that lasts for two years. Randy exclaims, “Oh my god!”

Meanwhile Cartman has failed his math test because the answers that he copied from Token’s test were deliberately written wrong. Cartman complains to the principal that Token caused him to fail his test. Cartman is trying to figure out what has changed, since Token has never stopped him from cheating off of him before. He concludes that Token is upset because Cartman said that he didn’t like the Black Panther movie. Token tells him that he hasn’t even seen Black Panther but Cartman doesn’t believe there are any African Americans that have not seen Black Panther. Cartman begins to spy on Token in order to find out why he is lying. He invites himself for dinner at the Black household and questions Token’s parents. They say they’ve seen Black Panther and thought that it was quite good but that Token has not seen it because it’s PG13 and so they are waiting for a night when they can all go together. Cartman still doesn’t believe that Token hasn’t seen Black Panther. He confronts him about it and comes to the conclusion that Token did see it but is keeping it a secret because he didn’t like it. Token does not confirm or deny this theory but on the next math test he lets Cartman copy his answers.

At the end of the story Sharon admits to Randy that she might have been emotional lately because of her hormones. The phone rings and they get the news that their son has been shot in another school shooting. Randy asks, “Should we go down there?” Sharon shrugs and tells him, “It’s not the end of the world!” and they happily embrace.

The second episode begins on a Sunday when all of South Park goes to church. The Marsh’s are on their way there and Stan and Sharon are talking about how much better they feel after church. While Father Maxi is giving the sermon, for every inspirational phrase he utters, someone in the congregation uses his words to make a joke about priests and little boys and then everyone laughs. They leave the church feeling uplifted because the laughter has been cathartic for them. But Father Maxi is depressed and feels that he is not fulfilling his purpose. Butters senses this and comes to talk with Maxi. He tells Maxi that he used to be the least cool kid in South Park until he stopped caring what others think and now he’s one of the coolest. The fact is that Butters is still the least cool kid in South Park but he’s just too dumb to notice. Butters takes Maxi under his wing and they begin doing everything together but everyone thinks it’s just plain weird for a priest to be hanging out with a child. The next Sunday the parents are upset that the church is locked, so now they have no outlet. Instead of preaching Maxi goes on a picnic with Butters. The parents call the Denver archdiocese to complain about the church being closed. The archdiocese immediately thinks they have another paedophile priest situation and send in a cleanup crew. The crew seems to consist of a cardinal, a bishop and a monsignor. Their cleanup consists of going everywhere that Maxi has been and using special instruments, bleach and cleansers to get rid of any possible traces of cum that he might have left behind. They even clean the mouths and behinds of some of the boys. When Maxi is hanging out with Butters and Butters takes him to Clyde’s birthday party the other kids are bummed out because having a priest around is a downer. Maxi realizes he doesn’t belong. He tells Butters that he knows there is a cancer in the church and he’d thought he could help cure it but he realizes now he’s part of the problem. He walks away from Butters. While Butters is on his way home the clean-up crew pulls up beside him in a van and the cardinal tries to lure him into the van. Butters turns down candy but when he hears there’s a bunny in the back he wants to see it. There is no bunny in the back and he is tossed in with Stan and Clyde. The boys are tied up in the woods around a campfire. When Maxi realizes Butters is missing he goes looking for him. He knocks on Randy’s door and Randy tells him that they need him back because the clean up crew hasn’t helped at all. When Maxi hears of the clean up crew he realizes the boys are in danger. Meanwhile the clean-up crew is using the boys as bait to draw Maxi to them. The cardinal says they will have to use the “cumboni” when he gets there. Maxi arrives but the clean-up crew don’t want to kill him but rather want to send him to be the priest at a tropical luxury resort in the Maldives. Maxi gets on the cumboni and uses it to kill all three members of the clean-up crew, then he resumes his duties as the priest in South Park, but now he just takes the jokes of the congregation in stride.

It suddenly occurred to me that they probably named Father Maxi after Maxi Priest.