Biddy Baxter

            On Sunday morning I finished working out the chords for “Rétro song” by Serge Gainsbourg and ran through it in French. 

            I did a full song practice with my Oscar Schmidt guitar, which goes out of tune on the B string as much as the Washburn but doesn’t go out as far. It’s weird though getting used to playing the much smaller guitar again. 

            I took a siesta from 10:45 until 12:15. When I got up it was raining hard. It was too wet for a bike ride so I did some exercises while listening to the August 31, 1954 broadcast of the Goon Show:

            The Starlings Timothy: 

            1954. A world overshadowed with doubts, fears, uncertainty. Of Indo-China, the Suez, Cyprus, East and West German strife, the H-Bomb explosion, and yet to come the unbelievable power of the cobalt bomb. But our own governors are not unaware of these dangers. At this moment, the House of Commons are debating serious matters. 

            Fairfax: There are far too many starlings in Trafalgar Square... 

            Milligan (old politician): We must... We must get rid of these disgusting creatures! 

            Timothy: The inventive genius of the country was called upon, and for three years the starlings were attacked with a series of frightening devices. 

            Sellers: Stuffed owls! 

            Secombe: Wriggling rubber snakes! 

            Milligan: High frequency sound beams! 

            Sellers (female voice): Little round things that went "knick, knick, knick". 

            Bloodnok: Rice puddings fired from catapults! 

            Timothy: A recording of a female starling in trouble! 

            Sellers: A recording of a female starling not in trouble! 

            Milligan (grand voice): Large things dropped from a great height, and vice-versa! 

            Timothy: For some inexplicable reason all these devices failed. The starlings remained. The Ministry of Grit, Filth and Exportable Heads, the Secretary, Mr Ned Bladok was handed a vital bird statistic. 

            Seagoon: There are 30 million starlings roosting in Trafalgar Square? Call a meeting of all the people we keep especially for meetings! 

            Bloodnok: I remember during the first world war for lasting peace after a heavy artillery barrage there were no signs of birds for months after. 

            Seagoon: Look, it all boils down to making a noise. 

            Bloodnok: I'll ask Field Marshall Clinical Foot to let us have three brigades of guards at Trafalgar Square at dawn on Monday! 

            The whole of the square mile of Trafalgar Square has been cordoned off. 

            Timothy: Is it now a curfew area? 

            Bloodnok: Yes. Only curfews our allowed in. All these squads marching in here are to kick up a din and in so doing, you see, they drive the starlings away.

            Steinbacker: Iron bath tub with beater, football rattles, whistles, tin cans, dustbin lids, gas stoves filled with iron bolts, bagpipes, dinner gongs, kettle drums, thunder sheets, and other various noise making gear. 

            Timothy: Diary of Operation Cacophony. 

            Secombe: March the seventh, third week of operation. Starlings undisturbed. But two thirds of guard brigade stone deaf. 

            Sellers: December the first, very cold. Noise makers were augmented by the bagpipes of the Highland Brigade. Starlings still unperturbed. The population of London dropped 10,000 overnight.

            Timothy: February the thirty-second. All troops withdrawn. Operation Cacophony abandoned.

            Seagoon: Mr. Prime Minister, members, I admit that Operation Cacophony cost £160,000, and was a complete and utter failure, but these little mistakes will happen! 

            Bluebottle: I have been waiting to speak to you, Mr. Clum-Thrut-Knid-Sproo-Theckran-Bludge-Sprathatan. 

            Seagoon: Mr. Bladok's the name. 

            Bluebottle: Yes, that's it! I knew it was something like Clum-Thrut-Knid-Sproo... 

            Seagoon: Right, now to business. What is your invention? 

            Bluebottle: It is an artificial explodable bird-lime. I have managed to compound a mixture that looks exactly like bird-lime. Now then, this bird-lime can be put down anywhere where there are starlings. Then, simply by pressing a remote control button, all those little blobs of bird-lime can be exploded! 

            Seagoon: It is to be given artificial colouring and forced into tubes ready for squirting on to the buildings. The exploding of the artificial bird-lime necessitates the pressing of a button. And it is common law that all cutting of tapes and pressing of buttons must be carried out with due ceremony...

            Ginstone: Tell me, how long have you been putting the mixture round the ledges of this building? 

            Bert: About ten days, on and off. 

            Ginstone: What do you mean, "On and Off"? 

            Bert: Well, some of us keep falling off. 

            Dimbleby: And those cheers are for the leader of the Household Troop as he dips the Union Jack, the national flag of the union of Jack. They appear to be having trouble with the great microphone of state, the same great microphone used ever since 1672, hand beaten and foot slapped, gold and silver surmounted by two Burmese cherubs, and fashioned by the great sculptor Ben Venuto Selinae and his brother Fred. Oh and now I see the great engineer of state with the great state screwdriver adjusting the mace screws on the great microphone. 

            Duchess: Ladies and Gentlemen. It is my privilege and pruvilege to name this experiment Operation Explodable Bird Mixture, and may all who stand on it perish. 

            Dimbleby: She steps forward to press the great button. She presses it. 

            Grams: [Mild explosions continue throughout speech] 

            Ginstone: And all around the cornices of St. Martin's the bird mixture is exploding and the starlings are being driven away. 

            Grams: [Giant explosion, crowd screams] 

            Seagoon: Mr. Prime Minister, Honourable Members. I fear that the explodable bird-lime was a mite too powerful, but fear not, St. Martin's will be rebuilt! 

            Timothy: But the starlings will only roost in it again. 

            Seagoon: If they do, well, we'll blow it up again! Naturally we would rebuild again, but if the starlings still persist in roosting there, we'll have no compunction but to blow it up yet again! We'll see who gets tired first! 

            Minnie Bannister: But think of the expense! 

            Seagoon: No fears there! I have it on good authority that our financial position is far in excess of the starlings! 

            I weighed 88.4 kilos before lunch. I had a tomato, dill and peanut salad with fig balsamic dressing. 

            I weighed 88.8 kilos at 17:45. 

            I worked on my essay for a couple of hours and knocked two thirds of a page off of it. The official deadline for handing it in is this coming Wednesday at midnight but I don’t think I'll be able to make it. There's no penalty for being late but it can’t be more than eleven days late. I don’t think I’ll be more than a day or two tardy. 

            Supposedly I was down to 88.0 kilos before dinner. I had half a bowl of lentil chili with plantain chips while watching Blue Peter Confidential. It was one of the British TV shows that I started downloading a year ago. Most of it had downloaded but sometime last year the landlord shut off my power while doing some work elsewhere in the building. He shut it off more than once and so one time while my torrents were loading he shut it off again and it caused my entire torrent list to be erased. I restarted most of the downloads but forgot about Blue Peter. I doubt if it would have completed anyway but it’s possible. Anyway, with the incomplete download, every few minutes the show would restart and so I'd have to move the video past the restart point and so I missed a few bits. 

            The documentary was about the childrens news show Blue Peter that started on the BBC in 1958. There were clips from their most classic episodes. The hosts travelled the world for summer shows, engaged in dangerous stunts, did silly skits, and made arts and crafts. There was something called the Blue Peter badge that was sent out to any kids who sent in suggestions that were used on the show and most of the show came from fan suggestions. One of the hosts became the first civilian woman to skydive from 10 kilometres above the Earth. The interviews were with former hosts and former directors of the show. It's now the longest running kids show in history. One of the original presenters was Leila Williams, who won the Miss Great Britain competition in 1957. 

            She was followed by Anita West, who was married to Goon Show band leader ray Ellington. She didn’t stay long at the show because she was going through a divorce from Ellington. The editor who established the format that continues today was Biddy Baxter. She brought in the badges and the interactive relationship between the kid viewers and the show. I seem to recall that in the early 70s there was a brand of LSD called Blue Peter.