I Peed My Jeans

            On Wednesday morning I dreamed that I was talking to some U of T students who had a radio or TV show. One of them suggested that they interview me because I was "pretty smart". I asked if I could bring my guitar but was told that it wasn’t a musical show. I had a bunch of papers with me and I knew I had some very clever lines that I’d written. I was carefully going through them but I couldn’t find what I’d said. Underneath a desk in the office I found an old newspaper with my name in it from before I legally changed my name twenty-five years ago.

When I got up I still had no wifi.

            I memorized verses two and three of “Si ca peut te consoler" (If it’s any Consolation) by Serge Gainsbourg. It's lucky that I actually have a version of this song from Jane Birkin’s Greatest Hits to listen to and sing along with as I learn. Since I don’t have the internet now it would make it extremely difficult.

            I decided to make one more attempt to get the wifi password for the sushi and bibim place across the street. Around noon, after shaving and showering I went over there. I made sure to order something they had to cook so I would have to wait outside and use their wifi. I bought the teriyaki chicken lunch meal for $11.25. When I asked for the wifi password the woman said that they decided not to have the internet right now. I could see their network on my phone but I guess maybe they are just using it themselves. She said next month they might have it again. So I'd wasted my money. I took the food home and got ready to go downtown to try and access the U of T network.

            It was snowing very lightly as I rode along College but enough that it could screw up my laptop. I went up St George and looked for a sheltered place. The now mostly abandoned bike post rings along the north end of the Sid Smith building had an overhanging roof above them. I leaned my bike against the column and sat facing the basement windows of the building. It was nice to be able to be connected as soon as I started my laptop. The first thing I needed to do was to log onto the OISE Library and renew the books I’d taken out. Two of the books I should have just brought with me to drop into the slot at Robarts, but stupidly I’d forgotten them. Anyway I was able to renew all the books.

            My second task was to go to the OCADU website and access my most recent pay record because today was the day I had to send my income report into Social Services. My only pay was the $71 for the three hours that I’d been scheduled to work on March 27^th but which was cancelled because of COVID 19. Normally I just print the statement but I had to find a way to save it to my laptop. In the past I’ve been able to save those statements as PDFs but I couldn’t see how to do it on my laptop. The only thing I could think of was to screen capture the top and then the bottom of the statement in two photos. Fortunately I still have Paint on my laptop and so I was able to save photos of the two halves of my statement.

            At this point I had thirty minutes left of battery power. I hadn’t posted my blog since Sunday and so I looked for a photo that went along with the theme of the brain numbing Indigenous Studies course that I’d just finished. It took a while of changing the wording of my search but I found a vintage photo of something called “Brain Salt” that I thought was funny. I also hadn't posted my Thirty Years Ago Today journal entries for a couple of days. I searched for both dates and found pictures relating to both dates and saved them to my laptop. Then I posted my blog for last Monday with the Brain Salt picture. After that I would normally copy the blog link and post it on Facebook. For some reason I accidentally ended up going onto my Myown Dick Facebook page but I couldn’t access my personal account.

            At this point my laptop warned me that my battery was about to be drained and so I had to shut it down. I was cold and as I got up I suddenly felt a major urge to pee. Knowing that it would be impossible to find a public place to urinate these days I just headed for home and tried to hold it back. I made it to Dundas and Bathurst and figured that the Toronto Western Hospital would let me use the washroom since it was a health emergency. I crossed the street and started locking my bike but my body said, “You’re not waiting any longer!" Some pee trickled out and once the portal was open some more followed until little waves of urine came out and ran down my left leg. Thank social distancing that there was no one around. I had no choice but to let it go and leave an embarrassing puddle under my left foot. I had a very wet left pant leg but I was relieved. Fortunately I was wearing black jeans and it didn’t seem all that obvious that I’d peed my pants. I rode home and changed.

I’d never peed myself in a public place in my adult life. Once five years ago I came home and peed my pants while standing over the toilet but I’d never let go right on the street. It would have been extremely embarrassing if people had been walking by.

After changing into dry clothing I had the teriyaki chicken that I’d left on the table. It was actually a pretty good meal for $11.00. There was salad, miso soup, chicken on top of noodles and four sushi rolls. I hate to admit it since they’ve denied me wifi twice but it was quite tasty and much better than that sushi place next door to my building.

After a siesta I printed the two screen shots that I’d taken of my pay statement and mailed my income report to social services.

I got caught up on writing my journal, although I'm way behind on posting things. I would probably go back downtown the next day to try posting some stuff with a fresh laptop and hopefully an emptier bladder.

I noticed that the LCBO has an open network with a weak signal at this distance. I was able to connect to it briefly but not to get on the internet. The A & W has a pretty strong signal. Maybe I’ll go up there and order something tomorrow to see if I can get the password. I’m not sure exactly where it is though. I think it's either on Dundas and College and a little east of here. It’s weird that they would be so far away and have such a strong signal.

I had a fried egg with two strips of bacon and a naan loaf for dinner with a beer while watching two episodes of the British 50s sitcom, Hancock’s Half Hour. One story was from the second season and another from the fifth. There never seems to be any back-story. Tony Hancock, the star of the show is just suddenly in a different situation each time.

The first story begins in an airport pub as several airline pilots tell each other stories of narrow escapes in saving their planes. Tony Hancock is there dressed as the others and tells of how he was flying a plane when three engines caught fire and the other ones iced over. He says that he put out one fire by tossing the ice cubes from the fridge into it and then skimmed the Indian Ocean to put out the others with the spray. Then a voice on the intercom says for steward Hancock to report to the kitchen, thus revealing that he is really only a flight steward. We find out that this is Tony’s first day as he is interviewed by the head of the airline. Tony is surprised when he's told that he will have to actually go up in an airplane. The boss insists that he has to because he’s signed a contract. He assures him that it's totally safe and asks him where his first flight is headed. Tony says that he’s going to Bermuda and the boss says that he'll be going there on his vacation. Tony says that he might see him then when he takes the flight but the boss says he would be going by boat.

As Tony is standing near customs a criminal named James Sidney that he is acquainted with comes and hands him a suitcase, then he goes to customs and declares three suitcases. He tells the agents that all three cases are full of money and they laugh. He then tells Tony there really is 750,000 pounds in the suitcases from a bank robbery he'd pulled. Tony says he'll turn him in but Sidney tells him he helped him smuggle $50,000 through. Tony says it’s not his case but Sidney points out that it is his case because he got it from his place and it has his initials on it.

Sidney is on Tony’s flight to Bermuda as well as three big plain-clothes policemen that are after Sidney but they don’t arrest him because they also want to catch his accomplice. There only seem to be about ten or fifteen passengers in a small section. I don’t know if that was a typical amount for the 1950s. Tony tells a passenger about the set menu. He says it’s typical English fare and so if there are any food lovers on board, "Good luck!" "We start off with a brown Windsor soup just burnt enough to leave that attractive brown rim sticking around the edge of the plate. Followed by a thin slice of roast beef completely submerged in a delicious pool of congealed gravy. Accompanied by a portion of light green watery cabbage and boiled potatoes skilfully mashed so as to leave all the hard bits intact. The sweet of course is the traditional steamed suet pudding, carefully undercooked and then warmed up, thus providing that well-loved stoddiness that allows the plate to be held upside down without the pudding falling off. Finished off with a cup of grey, lukewarm chicory essence." The passenger asks, "What about your Continental cuisine?” Tony answers, "It's the same thing with garlic.” The cops say they'll have three plates of everything.  Tony asks them if they have any suspicions about the accomplice. They say they do but they’ll have to search the luggage first. But they are patient because he can’t get away up there, short of jumping out of the airplane. Suddenly Tony has an idea. Next we see him wearing a parachute. He tells the cops it’s a crockery bag for cleaning up after the meal. The cops go back to check the luggage and Sidney emerges from the back to tell Tony that he's taken all of the money from his suitcases and put it in Tony’s satchel. The cops come for Tony and he backs away. For some reason the door is open and Tony falls out over Ireland. The cops shout, “Pull the ripcord!” but Sidney shouts, "No don't!" Tony pulls it and several five pound notes come flying up into the plane. Sidney had removed the parachute and stuffed the pack that had held it with the money.

Three days later in the pub at the airport Tony is telling the story about how he jumped out of a plane, into a tree, then into a haystack, then into a peat bog and got off without a scratch. Walked to Dublin and turned himself in. They picked up the bank robber when he landed in Bermuda. The pilots don’t believe him.

The second story is a parody of Twelve Angry Men. Tony is the foreman of a jury. A recurring sidekick it seems is the character of James Sidney who is played by the actor Sidney James. Sidney is also in the jury. The person on trial is accuse of robbing a jewellery store. Tony wants the jury to look at the evidence but when he tries one of the rings on he can’t get it off. When the jury is sequestered everyone thinks the defendant is guilty but Tony. But when Sidney finds that they are all getting paid thirty bob a day for jury duty he doesn't want it to end and so he pleads votes "not guilty" as well. For the next several minutes Tony makes comical arguments that sway some of the jurors to his side. Others give in to voting “not guilty" just to get out of there. Finally everyone votes not guilty but then Tony changes his mind so everyone votes guilty to get it over with except for Sidney. He had expected to be there for a week and so if everyone wants it to be over they will have to pay him thirty bob each. Finally the jury emerges and Tony tells the judge that they have found the defendant guilty. The judge then asks for the diamond ring back but it has disappeared from Tony’s finger. Next all twelve members of the jury are put on trial for theft. Tony immediately pleads guilty because a prison sentence would be shorter than a trial.