On Wednesday Brian Haddon and I rehearsed for our upcoming performances at my open stage and at the Art Bar Reading Series. Later I went to the Art Bar at the Csarda on Elm Street and performed on the open stage.
Friday, 22 May 2026
Thursday, 21 May 2026
Petula Clark
On Wednesday morning I memorized the seventh verse of L'anguille (The Eel) by Boris Vian. There are three verses left to stuff in my head but the last one is almost identical to the sixth.
I memorized the second verse of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg.
I weighed 86.65 kilos before breakfast, which would be the lightest I’ve been since December 20 if the scale is right.
I had to skip song practice because I had an 11:00 appointment with Dr. Max Xia at the U of T School of Dentistry. I left at 10:00 and got there at 10:45. It was my last time seeing Dr. Xia because he’s graduating. My bone graft looks fine so far. He cleaned some plaque from the inside of some of my teeth. He said the next step towards getting the implant will be another CT scan in about a month. If the scan shows the bone graft is healthy under the gums then perhaps in August my next student periodontist will put in the screw. Then after about four months the crown will be mounted on top.
I stopped at Freshco on the way home to buy five bags of cherries.
I weighed 87.8 kilos before lunch. I had saltines with five-year-old cheddar and a glass of iced tea with limeade.
I took a siesta from 14:30 to 16:16.
I weighed 86.95 kilos at 16:50.
I was still behind on my journal so I worked on getting caught up.
I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with black olive paste, marinara, tomato pesto, two sliced cheese sausages, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 7, episode 9 of The Carol Burnett Show.
During the audience warmup someone asks who is Carol’s favourite actor. She says James Stewart.
Carol did a play with Rock Hudson last summer called I Do I Do, and in it she did a bump and grind.
Two children give Carol a koala piggy bank because she’s taking the show to Australia. In Australia she’ll be meeting the queen who will be visiting there at the same time. Good Housekeeping has hired Carol to interview Elizabeth II. Apparently though that meeting never took place. Elizabeth however reportedly enjoyed Carol’s parodies of her.
A Funt and Mundane sketch has the married acting couple about to perform in a theatre with a big movie producer in the audience. But Mundane breaks her contact lenses and her glasses before going on. Their play is a disaster as she stumbles around the stage either breaking things or facing in the wrong direction. In the end she knocks down the back wall of the set.
Petula Clark sings the 1973 song “Silver Spoon” by Judi Pulver.
In an airport Tim Conway is behind the security desk stamping boarding passes. Harvey Korman has five minutes until his flight. Harvey is going to Los Angeles and Tim uses a different stamp for every letter of the name of the city. Harvey has one suitcase containing some toiletries and a reel of film. The film is a documentary and he’s taking it to the major studios because he has hopes of winning an Oscar. Harvey gives Tim the key but it breaks in the lock. He uses various damaging tools to break open the suitcase, he sees what’s in it and closes the case but he has lest Harvey’s shaving cream upright and the pressure from the top of the case causes shaving cream fill it up and cover Harvey’s film. Tim tries to wipe it off but sends the reel flying while he’s still holding on to one end.
Carol and Vicki play Bernice and Sally co-workers lunching at the Nosh and Rye when Harvey comes in and sits down at a nearby table. Carol says his name is Jerry. Vicki asks if it’s the famous Jerry who dumped her. Carol fantasizes that as she’s leaving Jerry calls her name and asks her to sit down. In her fantasy she’s elegant, confident and not wearing glasses. He says he’s often dreamed of her and is miserable without her. She is cool and says she feels nothing. When the dream is over and Bernice really leaves she walks by Jerry’s table and tries to subtly get his attention. He looks up from his newspaper and asks indifferently, “How ya been?” She sits down without an invitation and it turns out he doesn’t even know who she is. When he finally does remember that they dated he’s still indifferent. Bernice leaves thinking that she just destroyed him.
In As The Stomach Turns, Marian is depressed because nobody has any problems to share with her. Arnold W. Minty, Canoga Falls’ second handsomest attorney who never married comes to see her. Harvey plays him as very effeminate and so the implication is he never married because he’s gay. She hopes he’s bringing bad news but he’s there to tell her to her disappointment that she’s inherited $50,000 ($338,000 today). The phone rings and she hopes it’s her obscene caller but it’s someone else’s obscene caller and it’s a wrong number. Her daughter (played by Vicki) arrives but for the first time she doesn’t have a baby. She’s reformed and joined the Girl Scouts. Lyle and Petula arrive and cheer Marian up by telling her they’ve come to contest the will. Lyle says Petula is Marian’s twin sister, identical in every way except for her appearance. Lyle says he is Hilton Obrien, Olympic weightlifter and freelance bellhop. Marian asks Petula for proof that she’s her sister. Petula says she has the same birthmark as Marian. Marian says only the brass section of the Tommy Dorsey band knows where that birthmark is located. Then Marian’s heavy breather calls and she invites him over. He arrives immediately and he’s played by Tim Conway in his old man character. The heavy breathing is mostly because he’s out of breath. He gives Marian his card which reads Obscene Phone Call Unlimited: Marvin Peterson and Son. He says he’s the son. Marian gets another obscene phone call and this one is fantastic. Peterson Jr. listens and it’s his father. Junior tells dad he’s making a house call. He listens to his father and laughs a ridiculous laugh for a long time that causes Carol to crack up and turn away. The father invites Marian and her sister to go skinny breathing by the lake and Marian agrees because then she can check if Petula really has the same birthmark. Marian’s daughter comes down to show she’s just had a baby and she’s married Hilton, who performed the ceremony in his capacity as a freelance rabbi. But he confesses to also be married to Petula. Petula confesses she’s not Marian’s sister but whispers in her ear who she is, which changes who Vickie is.
Carol and Petula sing the 1973 song “Yesterday Once More” by Richard Carpenter and John Bettis.
Harvey plays Harvey the K, a flamboyant and flashy TV DJ with a big pompadour, hosting a dance party.
Vicki, in a tight outfit has gotten really hot over the years. She sings a song similar to “Willie and the Hand Jive” by Johnny Otis, based on the same "Bo Diddly" melody. She slaps a rhythm on the behind of one of the dancers as he does to her. This is Vicki’s best performance on the show.
Harvey sings and dances to "The Peppermint Twist" with backup from Carol and Petula, also wearing tight dresses.
Petula Clark was a music hall and radio star at the age of 10. She made her radio debut on the BBC Overseas Service in October of 1942 singing for the troops. She was known as the Shirley Temple of Britain and British troops would put her picture on their tanks for good luck. She made her film debut in Medal for the General in 1944. She co-starred in London Town, Here Come the Huggetts, Vote for Huggett, Huggetts Abroad, Vice Versa, The Romantic Age, Dance Hall, White Corridors, Madame Louise, The Card, Made in Heaven, The Runaway Bus, The Gay Dog, The Happioness of 3 Women, Track the Man Down, Goodbye Mr. Chips, Her first starring role was in Don’t Ever Leave Me in in 1949. She starred in Never Never Land. She acted in radio comedies such as Life of Bliss. On TV she hosted Petula Clark and Pet’s Parlour. Her first top 10 hit was “The Little Shoemaker” in 1954. She fell for a Frenchman in 1960 and moved to France. By 1962 she was the top female singer in France with hits such as “Chariot” (The original version of “I Will Follow Him”), “Romeo” (her first gold record), “Coeur Blessé”, and “Ya Ya Twist”. She also had hits in German, Italian, and Spanish. Her song “Sailor” was her first #1 hit in the UK. Jacques Brel gave her his song “Un enfant” as a present and her recording charted in Canada. She wrote the scores for several French films. In 1965 she became an international superstar with “Downtown” (for which she won two Grammy awards). Her song “You’re the One” was a hit for The Vogues in 1965. She wrote “Je chant doucement”, “Que fais-tu la Petula”, “L’agent secret”, and “Bleu blanc rouge”, which were hits in Canada and Europe. By 1966 she’d had hits with “I Couldn’t Live Without Your Love”, “This is My Song”, “Sign of the Times”, and “Don’t Sleep in the Subway”. She starred in the BBC series This is Petula from 1966 to 1968; and The Sound of Petula from 1972 to 1974. In 1968 she did a TV special in the US with special guest Harry Belafonte. While they did a duet with Belafonte of her own song “Paths of Glory”, during which she touched his arm. This scandalized a lot of southern US viewers but the show aired four days after the Martin Luthor King Jr. assassination and received high ratings as well as an Emmy nomination. She was nominated for a Golden Globe for her performance in Finian’s Rainbow in 1968. She was performing in Montreal during John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s Sleep in and provided backing vocals for “Give Peace a Chance”. In Canada in the 70s she had a major hit with, "Je Voudrais Qu'il Soit Malheureux". She broke house records starring as Maria in The Sound of Music in 1981 and 82, and Maria von Trapp declared her the best Maria ever. She wrote the music for Someone LIke You. She made her Broadway debut in Blood Brothers in 1993. She’s been a Vegas headliner since 1966. She was made Commander of the Order of the British Empire by Queen Elizabeth in 1998. In 2000 she debuted her one woman show in Montreal. In 2012 she was made a Commander of the Order of Arts and Letters in Paris. In 2018 she released an album of French songs composed by French Canadian songwriters. Her autobiography Is That You Petula? was published in 2025.
May 21, 1996: I hosted the Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage as always
On Tuesday night as always I hosted my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage in the Art Bar of The Gladstone Hotel.
Wednesday, 20 May 2026
Bill Richmond
On Tuesday morning I re-memorized the first verse of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. I had memorized an inaccurate translation before so I had to revise it and start again.
I weighed 86.35 kilos before breakfast. It’ll be interesting to see what my doctor’s scale says later today.
A little after 13:00 I started riding up to Avenue Road and Eglinton for my annual check-up. I stopped at Long and McQuade to pee. I didn’t have to go that badly but it’s a long bike ride and I didn’t want any wet accidents.
Dr. Shechtman checked my blood pressure and my heart but didn’t check my prostate. My blood pressure was 110 over 80, which he said is excellent. he weighed me at over 89 kilos. My scale is off. I thought my left ear was plugged but he said it was clear. He offered me the pneumonia vaccine but I said I’m not social enough to worry about it. If I was living in a retirement home I’d get it. He gave me the forms for the usual blood tests.
He said he stopped working on weekends and now he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He has a two year old granddaughter who gives him a lot of joy.
I weighed 86.25 kilos at 15:55.
I took a siesta and slept three and a half hours.
I weighed 86 kilos at 21:15. I dropped the scale a couple of days ago and since then it seems to be registering lower readings.
I was behind on my journal and worked on getting caught up but at the end of the day I was still not up to the present.
I grilled two T-bone steaks and had one with a potato and gravy while watching season 7, episode 8 of The Carol Burnett Show.
There is a parody of Jack Laland’s exercise show with Lyle as Jack. Carol plays an extremely obese woman trying to follow along and she ends up destroying some furniture before collapsing. At the end Jack Laland comes out of the bedroom and the obese lady is his wife.
Steve Lawrence sings “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” by Cole Porter from the 1936 film Born to Dance.
Carol plays Jessica, a 9 months pregnant woman and Paul Sand plays her husband Matthew who is sleeping. She wakes him up to remind him that they’re going to have a baby. He says he knows. She complains that he doesn’t seem that excited about it. She is very moody and jumps back and forth from being affectionate and critical. She asks if he’s excited and he says he’s very excited about her baby but now she’s upset that he didn’t say “our baby”. She accuses him of being jealous and he admits it but says he hates himself for it. Jessica says it’s okay and they make up but suddenly she goes into labour. Everything is ready except he discovers he forgot to put gas in the car. She accuses him of not wanting her to have her baby. He calls her on saying “my baby”. He says it’s all about her because she gets all the gifts and the pain. She says she’s going to share everything including the pain. He starts to feel the contractions. She calls the ambulance and says she and her husband are having a baby.
There’s a parody of “Double Indemnity” called “Double Calamity”. Steve Lawrence plays Walter Leph, an insurance salesman. He enters his office with six bullet wounds and sits at his desk to talk into a Dictaphone to leave a dying message for his boss Mr. Keys. he confesses to killing Dietrichsen for money and a dame. Then there’s a flashback when he comes to Dietrichsen’s home to get a signature on a policy. He meets Dietrichsen’s wife Phyllis (played by Carol) and they become lovers immediately as well as co-collaborators in a plot to kill her husband and collect the double calamity insurance. Dietrichsen comes home and finds them kissing but it doesn’t register as anything out of the ordinary. He signs the policy then they kill him. But for the policy to be paid out he also has to fall from a blimp and so he is dropped onto the Rose Bowl Parade. Later Phyllis and Walter shoot each other several times.
There’s a tribute to Irving Berlin to celebrate his 85th birthday. Carol, Harvey, Vicki, Lyle, Steve, Paul and the dancers perform a medley of all of his popular songs, such as “Let’s Face the Music and Dance”, “I’m in Heaven”, “There’s No Business Like Show Business”, and “Happy Holidays”.
One of the writers on The Carol Burnett Show was Bill Richmond, who started out as a drummer for Frank Sinatra, Peggy Lee, harry James, Les Brown, and Nelson Riddle. After becoming a drummer for Jerry Lewis he began pitching gag ideas. Jerry liked them so much he made him a co-writer. He co-wrote The Nutty Professor of 1963 and of 1996, The Errand Boy, The Ladies Man, The Patsy, and Cracking Up. He played Stan Laurel in The Bellboy. He won three Emmy Awards for The Carol Burnett Show.
Arletty
I finished comparing the Google translations of the lyrics I already had for “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg with the ones that Sonix transcribed from the audio. Sonix was more correct but sometimes it was off and I adjusted the text according to my own ear. Tomorrow I’ll start rememorizing the song.
I weighed 86.7 kilos before breakfast. That seems like quite a drop, considering that I ate more than usual for supper the night before. It’s the lightest I’ve been in the morning since December 20.
I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the first of four sessions and it went out of tune on every song.
I worked on digitally enhancing one of my photos.
I weighed 87.65 kilos before lunch. March 24 was the last early afternoon when I was so easy on the scale.
In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back.
I weighed 87.15 kilos at 17:45. I haven’t been that skinny in the evening since December 16.
I was caught up in my journal at 18:36.
I recorded from cassette tape through audio interface to Audacity side one of a recording session at Mike’s place in Peter Fruchter’s garage. I’d digitized this twice before with the MP3 converter and again with only the left channel. This time I got both channels. I digitized side 2 yesterday. Next time I’ll record from another cassette a session at Mike’s Place that I think is all “Instructions for Electroshock Therapy”.
At 21:00 my daughter and I got together on discord and watched my favourite movie Les enfants du paradis with our microphones on. It was probably my tenth time seeing it, plus I have a copy of the original screenplay and have translated about half of it.
Hearing Astrid's voice it was like she was right there so it was kind of nice, especially since she was enjoying the film.
The movie opens on The Boulevard of Crime in Paris where a carnival is going on. The first character we see is Jericho the Ragman shouting his wares and blowing his trumpet as he walks through the crowd.
Then we see a peep show where “the Truth” is revealed as the character Garance is sitting in a “well” with her body naked from the shoulders up.
Then outside of the Funambules pantomime theatre we see the actor Frederick Lamaitre arguing with the concierge to get in and talk to the director about a job while the concierge thinks he’s just trying to get in for free. But then Frederick sees Garance walking through the crowd and goes to try and pick her up. She gently rejects him but he asks when he’ll see her again. She delivers the line, “Paris is small for lovers such as us”.
At a scribe’s office we see the criminal poet Lacenaire who has just finished a letter of apology for a man who hit his wife. The customer is very satisfied. Lacenaire’s henchman Avril comes in with some silverware he stole for his boss. Garance arrives who Lacenaire says is his muse. He talks about how he hates society and loves no one, including Garance. She confirms she doesn’t love him either but visits him because he talks a lot and she finds it relaxing. He tells something of his origins and delivers the line, “My parents forbade me bad company and yet left me alone with myself”. He talks about a play he is writing and there is a sense that the story we are watching is that play.
In front of the Funambules the star Anseme Dubaru is advertising the show. Sitting silently and motionlessly at one corner of the stage is his son Baptiste. Dubaru abuses Baptiste for the entertainment of the crowd and then goes inside, leaving his son to continue sitting. Garance is watching, as is a wealthy man who thinks Baptiste looks like a fool. Lacenaire steals the man’s watch and sneaks away. When he notices his watch missing he accuses Garance. A policeman is about to arrest her when Baptiste intervenes and explains in silent and comical mime what actually occurred, much to the amusement of the crowd. He saves Garance and she throws him a flower. Baptiste is in love.
At the Funambules Frederick approaches the director for a job. On stage there is an interaction between the Cassandra (played by Dubaru) and the Harlequin (played by Barigni). The Harlequin is supposed to club the Cassandra over the head and only make it appear real but he really does hit him. This is followed by a big fight onstage between those who support Dubaru and the Barignis. The result is that all the Barignis, which is half the cast, quit the Funambules. Now they are missing both a Harlequin and a Pierrot. Frederick volunteers to play the Harlequin and the manager suggests they bring in Baptiste. Dubaru protests because he is ashamed of Baptiste but the director insists.
After the show Baptiste and Frederick are having a drink at a wine kiosk and Frederick says he’s homeless. Baptiste says he can room on credit at Madame Hermine’s where he lives. Baptiste takes him there and then leaves to wander the streets. Frederick seduces Madame Hermine.
Baptiste encounters a blind beggar named Silk Thread on a lonely street and when Silk Thread learns that Baptiste performs at the Funambules he surprises him by saying he loves pantomime. He explains that a friend comes with him and describes the action. Learning that Baptiste is a performer he takes him to The Red Throat Tavern. Silk Thread is well known there and is seated at his favourite table. Someone approaches with some stolen merchandize and Silk Thread appraises it, revealing he is not blind after all, much to Baptiste’s shock.
Lacenaire and his gang, along with Garance enter the tavern. She is unhappy with all their talk of murder and is about to leave when Baptiste asks her to dance. They are happily dancing when Avril grabs Baptiste and pushes him through a window out onto the street. Avril is quite proud of himself but then Baptiste returns, dusts himself off, and then with one kick of savate, knocks Avril to the floor. He then escorts Garance away. When he learns Garance is homeless he takes her to Madame Hermine’s. He also says he’ll get her a job at the Funambules.
In her room he declares his love for her while she just wants him to make love. He leaves because he feels she is too precious to defile. Frederick has no qualms and when he hears Garance singing he makes his way to her room.
They become lovers and Baptiste becomes jealous. He writes it all into the pantomime they perform.
The show becomes popular and Garance also becomes renowned for her beauty. The Count Edouard de Montray is in love with her and comes to watch her every night. He comes to her dressing room to declare his love but she rejects him. He gives her his card to use if she is ever in need.
Garance helps Lacenaire get a room at Madame Hermine’s and then he and Avril try to murder and rob a courier carrying a large payroll. Because of her association with Lacenaire she is about to be arrested as an accomplice. She presents the police with the Count’s card.
Years later, Frederick is a famous actor. He is acting in a poorly written drama that he turns into a hit comedy by mocking the dramatic parts. The authors are insulted and demand satisfaction.
Frederick finds Lacenaire waiting for him in his dressing room. Lacenaire asks for money expecting refusal and then plans to kill and rob Frederick, but he is surprised when Frederick generously gives him a large sum. Frederick, Lacenaire and Avril get drunk. The two crooks become Frederick’s seconds in his duel the next morning.
Frederick is wounded and his play is temporarily cancelled. He goes to see a performance by Baptiste, who is now a superstar. The concierge gets him a seat in the private box of a society woman who comes to see Baptiste perform every night. Frederick is surprised that the woman is Garance. Although not a jealous person he finds himself slightly jealous that Garance still loves Baptiste. But he uses that jealousy in order to play Othello.
He tells Baptiste about Garance but the Ragman has already told Baptiste’s wife Nathalie about her. Nathalie sends her and Baptiste’s little boy to tell Garance that they are happy. By the time Baptiste gets to Garance’s box she is gone. He goes into a deep depression, refuses to perform and locks himself in his old room at Madame Hermine’s.
Garance is a kept woman by the Count although he has never touched her. She comes home to the mansion and finds Lacenaire waiting. Lacenaire meets the count and mocks him.
Frederick performs Othello and Baptiste goes to see him. Also in the audience are Garance and the Count. At the reception the count and his cronies mock Frederick while Baptiste runs into Garance and they kiss on the balcony. Lacenaire opens the curtain to show them and humiliate the count.
Later Lacenaire goes to the count in a Turkish bath, stabs him to death and then rings the bell to wait for the police.
Baptiste and Garance go to her old room and make love all night.
The next morning Nathalie finds them there and confronts Garance. Garance leaves and Baptiste chases after her but the streets are crowded because of the carnival and also the Ragman holds him back. The movie ends there but in the original screenplay Baptiste kills Jericho on the street.
Garance was played by the great Arletty, who for the role received one of the highest salaries ever in French cinema. She started as an artist’s and photographer’s model. At 18 she was a singer in music halls. She made her stage debut at the age of 22. The 1928 operetta Yes was written for her. She didn’t appear in movies until her early 30s. She made her film debut in La douceur d’aimer (The Sweetness of Loving) in 1930. She co-starred in La garconne, Désiré, Aloha le chant des iles, The Little Thing, La chaleur du Sein (Mother Love), Fric-Frac, Le jour se lève (Daybreak), Tempete (Thunder Over Paris), She starred in Amants et voleurs (Lovers and Thieves), Mirages, Madame sans-gene, La femme que j’ai plus aimee (The Woman I Loved Most), Bolero, L’amant de Borneo, At the end of the war it was discovered that she had been the lover of a German officer. She was not allowed to attend the premier of the movie she starred in, Les enfants di paradis. She spent 120 days in prison, was under house arrest for two years, and not permitted to work for three years. She starred as Blanche Dubois in Jean Cocteau’s French version of A Streetcar Named Desire. She later co-starred in Portrait d’un assassin, L’air de Paris, Mon cure chez les pauvres (My Priest Among the Poor), Et ta soeur (And Your Sister), La Gamberge (The Dance), Tempo di Roma (Destination Rome), She starred in Huis-clos (No Exit), She starred in Gigolo, L’amour madame, Le pere de mademoiselle, Un drole de dimanche (Sunday Encounter), Maxime, She went blind in her 60s and could no longer perform. Although treated as a traitor after the war she ended her life as a beloved French icon and the whole country mourned her passing.
May 20, 1996: Brian and I rehearsed
I decided to start having features in June at my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage and that I would be the first one. Brian Haddon and I began rehearsing for that event.
Tuesday, 19 May 2026
May 19, 1996: Another day in the sun with my child
Thirty years ago today
Sunday was another warm day spent with my daughter playing in the open air.
Monday, 18 May 2026
Arnie Kogen
I weighed 88.35 kilos before breakfast.
I played my Kramer electric during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time.
Around midday I cleaned the warm mist humidifier that’s been running sometimes during the week and it took about half the usual time. Right now I have no humidifier plugged in and hopefully won’t need one again until fall.
I weighed 89.75 kilos before lunch. I had saltines with peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar and a glass of iced tea.
In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back.
I weighed 88.95 kilos at 17:50.
I was caught up in my journal at 18:30.
I tried recording again for the first time after getting my Yamaha receiver fixed on Friday but the right channel still didn’t appear on my audio interface. However after I fast forwarded the cassette tape and rewound it I got both channels and was able to successfully digitize side two of the tape of the session at Mike’s place with him playing drums and me on guitar and vocals. There are so many factors that can cause the right channel to drop out even with the stereo fixed. There’s still the tape itself and also the cables leading to the interface. When I played it back the left channel of the interface wasn’t blinking. Of course that would only have mattered if I was recording the playback but it’s just weird. When I jiggled the cable though I got both channels again. Anyway now that I have the receiver fixed and I have a stereo breakout to create two channels in Audacity I have to re-record all of the stereo tapes I digitized. It’s kind of comical in a sad way because I first digitized all the tapes with the MP3 convertor but it was glitchy and caused skipping, then I did almost all of them with my tape deck but found the right channel wasn’t working. Now I have to do them all a third time. This could only happen to me.
I went online and filled out my Ontario.ca Jury Form. The questions stopped after I checked that I’ve been convicted of a criminal offense for which I haven’t received a pardon. That’s from when the cops planted hashish on me when I was 18, so I could easily pardoned but since I wasn’t guilty it seems silly to ask for a pardon for something I didn’t do. I’m certainly not going to get a pardon just so I can serve on a jury.
I renewed my application for the Toronto Transitional Housing allowance because it brings in $250 a month.
I slightly grilled nine already cooked cheese sausages. I ate one and then sliced two for a pizza on multigrain sandwich bread with olive paste, marinara, tomato pesto, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 7, episode 6 of The Carol Burnett Show.
During the audience warmup, four Campfire Girls come up to declare Carol an honourary Campfire Girl and to give her three Campfire Girl dolls for her daughters.
Carol announces that Vicki Lawrence’s record “The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia” has now sold 3 million copies.
John Parker (played by Jack Weston) comes to Helen Benson’s (played by Carol) apartment on a computer date but it turns out they don’t have a lot in common. He doesn’t like music and can’t swim. She doesn’t like sky diving. He wonders why the computer picked their names. She says, “Speaking of names, the most common surname in the world is Chang, which makes up between 9.7% and 12.1% of the Chinese population (It’s actually Wang). They discover that what they have in common is a passion for trivia and it literally turns them on. They suddenly love each other. He asks her to marry him and promises to always be true but she quotes trivia about a man who was married 26 times. John counters with the longest marriage ever recorded but it’s not enough and she asks him to leave. But even as he is leaving they keep spouting trivia and continue getting hot. They are kissing again but John says his parents had a record 68 children and she says for him to get out. After he leaves she says the oldest living virgin died at 108 but she’s going to beat her record.
Ken Berry and the Ernie Flatt Dancers do a song and tap dance to “It’s Not Where You Start” by Cy Coleman and Dorothy Fields from the 1973 musical Seesaw.
In an operating room Ken Berry has acute appendicitis and Dr. Bennet is about to operate. He asks Nurse Bennett for a scalpel but she does not respond. Instead she tells him she wants a divorce. He says it’s not the time but she insists. Ken says, “Please give him the scalpel” but she says, “You men always stick together!” The doctor asks the other nurse to take the instruments but Nurse Bennett throws them on the floor. Ken says the anaesthetic is wearing off and he’s feeling pain. Nurse Bennett tells him, “You don’t know what pain is!” Ken suggests they take a vacation together. Bennett says he was planning one. Suddenly Nurse Bennett asks for forgiveness. They’re about to continue the operation when Nurse Dawson says, “You didn’t mention a vacation to me!” The doctor says, “Shhhh!” She says, “Don’t shhh me! Just because I’m the other woman! You said you were gonna get rid of that old broomstick!” Nurse Bennett starts to blow up again when Doctor Bennett storms out of the operating room. Nurse Dawson chases after him. Doctor Dawson (Jack) is about to take over the operation but Nurse Bennett begins to argue with him. They both storm out leaving Ken alone in panic. Then Tim Conway comes in looking totally insane and stumbles around the operating room. Carol comes out and says they called Tim this morning and “He was nice enough to do this even though we’re not paying him” (a joke I’m sure).
Carol, as a kind of nerdy beatnik character sings “The Lady is a Tramp, by Richard Rogers and Lorenz Hart from the 1937 musical Babes in Arms.
Carol plays a parody of Ethel Merman in a nightclub. A customer (Jack) offers to buy her a drink but she just responds with a lyric from “I Get a Kick Out of You” by Cole Porter: “I get no kick from champagne…”. He asks if she’d join him for dinner and says he likes her a lot. “She starts singing “He likes me…”. He says, “This is funny” She sings “It’s funny” but he puts his hand over her mouth. He asks if it’s possible to say anything that isn’t a song. The waiter brings her usual, vodka and throat spray. She hits a high note and breaks every glass in the place. He says, “You’re gonna drive me back to my analyst!” She sings, “You don’t need analyzing, it is not so surprising”. He shouts “Shut up!” He says he can yell louder than her and they both start singing, “Anything you can do I can do better”. Then he stops and says he’s leaving but she jumps on his back and sings, “Wherever you go…” as she rides him away.
Harvey plays Dr. Jekyll who drinks a potion that turns him into Ms. Hyde. There’s a knock and she drinks to change back. Dr. Kimble invites Jekyll to meet his cousin Rowena. Jekyll goes to meet Rowena (played by Vicki) but he feels a transformation coming and says he’s going into the closet to remove his tonsils. He comes out as Heidi Hyde. Rowena excuses herself and comes back as Kimble. Kimble tries to kiss Heidi but she grows a moustache. She goes for fresh air and Nair behind a curtain. Kimble opens the curtain and asks Jekyll what he’s doing. He says he’s voting. They begin to fight but Kimble becomes Rowena. Jekyll and Rowena begin to dance but he becomes Heidi. Then Rowena becomes Kimble. Then Heidi becomes Jekyll and the two men dance and decide to stay that way. Then Jekyll turns back to Heidi. Kimble wants to get married but Heidi wonders whether her or Rowena would go into labour and says, “Not me Charlie!” Kimble says he’s been experimenting on a new potion that splits the chromosomes, divides the genes, rearranges the nervous system forcing a cause and effect syndrome in the pituitary glands. It enables the brain to divide into two entities so they can become four people. Heidi says it won’t work. He says, “Okay here’s something the Avon Lady dropped off” They drink it and become Jekyll, Heidi, Kimble, and Rowena but each man has their woman side’s voice now and the women have the men’s voices.
The closing number is “New Elizabethan Rhythm” with Carol, Vicki, Ken and the dancers in period costumes. I get the impression this song was created just for that number.
Arnie Kogen was one of the writers for this episode. He started writing for Mad Magazine after college and ultimately wrote more than 100 film and TV parodies for Mad. He wrote jokes for Don Adams and other standup comedians. He wrote for Johnny Carson, Jackie Gleason, 13 episodes of Empty Nest, Candid Camera, Dean Martin, Tim Conway, Rich Little, Donny and Marie Osmand, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Newhart, Mad TV, Flip Wilson, Sammy Davis Jr., Debbie Reynolds, Connie Stevens, Shelley Berman, and The Golden Globe Awards. He co-wrote the screenplay for Birds Do It. He won three Emmy Awards. His son Jay Kogen was one of the original writers for The Simpsons.
May 18, 1996: It was a hot day and my daughter and I played outside
Saturday was a very hot day and my daughter and I spent most of the time outdoors in the back yard, at the playground, and wandering around.
May 17, 1996: It was my daughter's fifth birthday
Thirty years ago today
Friday was my daughter’s fifth birthday so I spent the day with her. But it was also a payday so I went downtown to pick up my Ontario College of Art and my Toronto Board of Education paycheques. We probably stayed downtown and I let her wander wherever she wanted and gave her whatever treats she desired. She spent the night at my place and stayed for the whole long weekend.
Sunday, 17 May 2026
Paul Sand
I weighed 87.65 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since April 15.
I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it only stayed in tune completely through two songs.
A large group of Tibetans wearing lime coloured safety vests were walking along Queen Street and picking up garbage.
Around midday I rode to No Frills where I bought five bags of cherries, a pack of raspberries, a pack of blueberries, a pack of chicken drumsticks, a strawberry-rhubarb pie, some lemon dish detergent, tomato pesto, three bags of skim milk, a jug of limeade, a jug of orange juice, two containers of skyr, and a bag of Miss Vickie’s chips. The cashier, Winta said she had to return a watermelon she bought there because it was hard inside and not sweet. I told her the watermelons are not good this time of year.
I weighed 89.2 kilos at 14:20. I had saltines with peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar and a glass of iced tea.
After my siesta it was too late to take a bike ride downtown and so I just rode to Ossington and Bloor.
I weighed 89.15 kilos at 17:55.
I worked on getting caught up in my journal.
I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, marinated mushrooms, olive paste, my last two souvlaki sliced, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 7, episode 5 of The Carol Burnett Show.
A couple is in a cheap restaurant. The woman played by Carol is a constant complainer with a penchant for insulting everyone around her. She complains to Harry that he hasn’t taken her out in ten years. He reminds her that he’s been in prison for ten years. She insults the bartender’s drink and calls the waiter a floozie. Harry begs her to shut up because he’s on parole and if she causes a fight then he’s the one who’ll be going back to prison. She and the waiter almost get into fight but Harry calms the situation. She calls out “flatfoot” to a cop and Harry has to avoid a hassle. She calls a biker a moron and while he’s telling the man his wife is sorry she hits his hand, which happens to be holding a steak knife and causes it to stab the biker and kill him. She grabs the knife to explain to the cops it was an accident but Harry says that she did it and they take her away while he happily enjoys a peaceful meal.
Eydie Gorme sings the 1973 song “Take One Step” by Robert Allen and Arthur Kent.
Matthew (Paul Sand) and Jessica (Carol) are newlyweds on their honeymoon in a car late at night with Matthew driving. Matthew has passed many motels and Jessica wants to stop so they can be together for the first night of their marriage. He says he’s looking for the right one but finally confesses he’s frightened. He says he would have gone to a hotel with her before they were married because there was something smutty about it. Finally she suggests that he check into a motel alone and then sneak her in as if they weren’t married. He loves it but says they have to hurry up because he told his mother he’d be home before midnight.
Harvey Korman is co-starring in a musical film called Huckleberry Finn and with the help of the dancers he performs the 1974 song “Royalty” by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman.
They do a salute to series films, starting with Young Dr. Kildare, which had 16 movies. Kildare was always second guessed by the older Dr. Gillespie. In the scene, Gillespie asks Kildare, “What do you think you’re doing you young whippersnapper?” Kildare says, “This man is suffering from arterial glaucoma and if he is not operated on immediately he will die. While Gillespie argues that Kildare can’t decide to stop death the man dies. Gillespie then insists that Kildare give the patient a condeacted orchidectomy and since Gillespie runs the hospital Kildare prepares the corpse for a nose job.
There were 23 movies based on the O Henry character The Cisco Kid, who was the greatest bandit and greatest lover in Mexico. Cisco meets his sidekick Pancho in a cantina. He says he’s come back to settle down with the sweet and gentle Carmelita. But Carmelita comes out and she’s now wild, loud, and sexy. She insists that still nobody has touched her but on her backside we see the mark of Zorro.
The Tarzan films started in 1918 and added up to 42 of them. One of those films was Tarzan’s New York Adventure in 1942. In the spoof we see Tarzan (Lyle) and Jane (Carol) in a fancy restaurant. They have trouble catching the attention of the waiter so Jane does Carol’s Tarzan yell.
There were 13 Wolfman movies. In the spoof Carol and Paul play a couple on vacation in Transylvania. Their car breaks down outside a spooky castle. They enter and are told to go away by an elderly woman who says there is no phone, no mechanic nearby and they try to keep their blood sucking down to a minimum. Then she cackles loudly. She hears a wolf howl and says her master is calling. Then laughs again. They try to leave but there is now a brick wall when they open the door. Then they meet a Romani fortune teller who reads Carol’s palms. The left one tells the past and the woman says, “Naughty naughty”. Then she looks at the future and tells Carol she’s a dead duck. She says, “The Wolfman will bite you tonight. Oy are you gonna get it!” She says she has twin sons. One is a werewolf and one is a rock singer. When the moon is full you can’t tell them apart. She says a werewolf can only be killed with a silver stick, a wooden stake or a Bulgarian cream pie: a stick, a stake or a schtick. Then they meet the very normal Sir Larry Tomlin who is the master of the castle. He is very friendly and offers them a drink but begins showing signs of transforming. He starts attacking Paul and when Carol hits him in the face with a cream pie he collapses. Carol asks for a doctor and the fortune teller tells her there’s an excellent specialist down the road named Dr, Frankenstein.
In 1937 the movie Dead End starred six young roughnecks who stole the picture and started a new series featuring The Dead End Kids, The east Side Kids, and The Bowery Boys. The spoof has Sergeant Krupke alone. He hears whistling, throws his hat down and calls for the punks to show themselves. The six Dead End Kids emerge and start taunting him. They play monkey in the middle with Krupke as they toss his hat around. They sing “Gee Officer Krupke” by Stephen Sondheim and Leonard Bernstein from the 1957 musical West Side Story:
Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke
Ya gotta understand
It's just our bringin' upke
That gets us outta hand
Our mothers all are junkies
Our fathers all are drunks
Golly Moses, naturally we're punks!
Dear kindly Judge, your Honor
My parents treat me rough
With all their marijuana
They won't give me a puff
They didn't wanna have me
But somehow I was had
Leapin' lizards — that's why I'm so bad!
My Daddy beats my Mommy
My Mommy clobbers me
My Grandpa is a Commie
My Grandma pushes tea
My sister wears a mustache
My brother wears a dress
Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess!
Paul Sand, at the age of 11 started at Viola Spolin’s Children’s Theatre Company. At age 18 he studied mime in Paris with Marcel Marceau and joined his touring mime troupe. He made his TV debut in Shower of Stars in 1955. In 1959 he was an original member of Second City in Chicago. He co-starred in The Mad Show in 1966. He made his film debut in A Great Big Thing in 1968. He won a Tony for his performance in Paul Sills’ Story Theatre in 1971. He was discovered by Mary Tyler Moore and her production company starred him in the short lived sitcom Friends and Lovers in 1974. He co-starred in the sixth season of the sitcom Gimme a Break. He co-starred in The Second Coming of Suzanne, The Great Bank Hoax, and The Main Event.
Saturday, 16 May 2026
Gary Belkin
I compared the Google translations of the lyrics I already had for the first verse of “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg with the ones that Sonix transcribed from the audio. The ones from Sonix make more sense but I’m not as sure about the second verse.
I weighed 88.5 kilos before breakfast.
I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the last of two sessions and it went out of tune on every song. Tomorrow I begin a two session stretch of playing my electrics.
Around midday I unplugged and disconnected my Yamaha receiver to take it to AMI Electronics at Parliament and Shuter to get Dr. Oscar Moz to fix it because the right channel keeps dropping out. I told him I needed it back today so I guess he charged extra for that. He said he’d call me after a couple of hours to give me his diagnosis and tell me how much it would cost.
I rode home and had lunch.
I weighed 88.6 kilos at 15:20, which is the lightest I’ve been in the early afternoon since April 15.
I took a siesta at 15:55 and Oscar called at 16:30. He offered to install Blue Tooth on my receiver but I wasn’t familiar enough with it to want to have it. He said the price for the repairs was $195 and I could pick it up at 17:30. I didn’t expect the price to be that high. I had to stop at the bank machine at the Bank of Montreal on the way there. Oscar had just finished when I got there. He said he’d had to solder new connections for the knobs and for the jacks in the back. He also had to put in new capacitors. On top of that he cleaned it.
When I got home I reconnected the stereo and was surprised that it was so easy. I’m always afraid of screwing things like this up. So far it looks like Oscar fixed the problem but I didn’t try to record.
I weighed 88.75 kilos at 19:00. That’s the easiest I’ve been on the scale in the evening since April 15.
I boiled a potato, heated some gravy and warmed up two chicken drumsticks.
I got ready to watch season 7, episode 3 of The Carol Burnett Show but there was no sound. My computer sound is accessed by the CD setting on the receiver and I was pretty sure I had the wire plugged in the right place but I switched it. That didn’t work. I restarted the computer. My supper was getting cold. The restart didn’t seem to help but when I switched from the line-out plug to the CD plug it worked. I’m pretty sure I’d put it in that slot before so maybe the restart worked after all.
On The Carol Burnett Show, during the audience warmup, Carol announces that Gloria Swanson is her special guest. Carol does a parody of Gloria called Nora Desmond and Gloria wrote to her that she got a kick out of it. Carol shows the final scene from Sunset Boulevard in which Gloria delivers her line, “Okay Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up”. Gloria comes out holding Lyle Waggoner’s hand and thanks Carol. She says most shows only “send flowers to my dressing room but you’ve really outdone yourself”, then she looks lovingly at Lyle. Carol mentions that Lyle was recently a centrefold in Playgirl Magazine. Gloria tells Lyle she wants to have dinner with him in Algiers. Carol says he can’t go because he’s a regular. Gloria says, “A regular? Forget it! I wanted a weirdo! Harvey!”
In the Carol and Sis sketch Roger is mad at Carol because she invited the elevator operator at his work building over for dinner. The elevator operator has a crush on Carol and Roger doesn’t understand why she encourages him. Carol explains that she invited him as a means of curing him of his infatuation. She thinks that if she and Roger demonstrate their affection for one another it will discourage him. Roger agrees to play along. Carol and Roger make sure they are kissing each other passionately when Jim arrives but it doesn’t phase him at all. He just tells Carol he didn’t want to be late for his first date with her. Jim knows better than Roger that Carol likes white wine on the rocks and that she wears a size 8 dress. Carol’s plan is not working and so Roger confronts Jim directly about his crush. Jim says he is in love with Carol. Carol, Harvey and Chrissie all try to argue how wrong it is for Jim to be in love with a married woman. Jim stands up and says, “You people are acting like being in love is some sort of crime. When actually it’s the highest compliment one human being can pay to another. So I’m in love with your wife, big deal. I’m not trying to break up your marriage. I’m not sneaking around behind your back. I’m just an honest man trying to express an honest emotion. I thought you’d understand that but I guess I was wrong. I’m sorry if I’ve offended anybody. I didn’t mean to, I really didn’t. Please excuse me” and then he leaves. Both Carol and Roger feel rotten and Crol runs after Jim, but he’s just waiting outside the door. She brings him back in for dinner. Jim says, “After dinner we can go to a movie while they’re doing the dishes.”
Gloria Swanson says, “They’re making such a fuss about the last tango (referencing the film The Last Tango in Paris). You’re looking at the kid who danced the first”. She sings and dances with the Ernie Flatt Dancers to the 1956 song “A New Fangled Tango” by Harold Karr and Matt Dubey. All the male dancers are made to resemble Rudolf Valentino.
In The Old Folks sketch Burt and Molly insult each other as usual up until they declare their love with a song. They sing “An Old Man” by Richard Rodgers from the 1970 musical Two By Two.
Carol and Vickie play two sisters watching their mother leave for a date and hoping she’ll get married. They sing “Mama’s Got a Date” and it looks like it was written specifically for this number. They sing “Tonight at Eight” by Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick from the 1963 musical She Loves Me. Then they sing “If Mama Was Married” by Jule Styne and Stephen Sondheim from the 1959 musical Gypsy. In the end Mama returns to announce she’s married and she’s the tall, big breasted Jewish mother played by Harvey Korman in drag.
Carol plays a naively devoted housewife and Harvey plays her cheating husband who feels so guilty he can’t help but eventually let it slip out that he’s having an affair. She listens to him while she’s mixing the batter for a cake and when he finally confesses she is extremely understanding. She asks him to taste the batter and he immediately dies of poisoning.
Carol’s Charwoman is cleaning up in a film studio and she goes into a projection rool where silent films are stored. She watches a film called Silents is Golden. In it Gloria Swanson plays Charlie Chaplin and silently invites the Charwoman into the screen. Charlie picks some flowers for the Charwoman from a public garden and they are chased by a cop who keeps getting knocked over by people and obstructions. They sit at a restaurant table next to a snooty couple played by Lyle and Vicki and imitate them. Lyle drinks champagne from Vickie’s shoe so Charlie steals the bottle and pours it into the Charwoman’s boot but it is full of holes. Then the cop and everyone else chases them. The Charwoman escapes back to reality. She wants Charlie to come with her but he can’t.
The Charwoman sings a song in praise of silent films.
Jim was played by Jim Connell but there’s not a lot of information about him. He made a few guest appearances on shows like Get Smart and Gidget.
This episode was co-written by Gary Belkin, who started his career writing jokes for radio comedians and cartoon ideas for The New Yorker magazine. He wrote for Your Show of Shows, Caesar’s Hour, The Carol Burnett Show, Get Smart, Three’s Company, The Doris Day Show, The Danny Kaye Show, The Tonight Show, and Sesame Street. He was nominated for 8 Emmy Awards and won two. He also ghost wrote quips and poetry for Muhammad Ali.
May 16, 1996: I posed for art classes
On Thursday I probably posed for art classes but I have no record of which ones.
Friday, 15 May 2026
Jay Tarses
On Thursday morning I downloaded the YouTube video of Regine singing “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. I then uploaded it to Sonix to get a transcription because it felt like mine wasn’t accurate. Their transcription was quite different, probably right in places but also probably wrong in places. I copied each line and put them beside each line from the text I had. Tomorrow I’ll figure out which lines are correct.
I weighed 88.85 kilos before breakfast.
I played my Martin acoustic for song practice for the first of two sessions and it went out of tune during every song.
Around midday I went to the post office at the back of Vina Pharmacy and bought a postage paid box for sending my daughter her birthday treats and the rough amethyst. I also bought an envelope to send my Australian friend Audrey Morgan a copy of my book Paranoiac Utopia.
I weighed 90 kilos before lunch, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the early afternoon since May 3.
I took a siesta and got up at 16:04. I skipped brushing my teeth and immediately packed, sealed and addressed the box for Astrid in Montreal. I signed a copy of my book and put it in the envelope for Audrey. I checked online to find out which direction mail travels from Toronto to Australia. It makes sense that it travels west because there would be fewer countries to fly over on the way. I got both items to the post office on time to send them out with the last mail of the day. Astrid’s package should get to Montreal on Monday or Tuesday. Audrey’s book will take ten business days. Her birthday’s on May 21 but it probably won’t arrive until my birthday on May 26.
After the post office I went home to brush my teeth but by the time I was done it was too late for a bike ride. So I just rode straight to Freshco. They had cherries for $6.59 a kilo so I bought five bags. I also got a pack of raspberries, bananas, a pack of large hot Italian sausages, a pack of cheese sausages, a pack of chicken drumsticks, a large can of Full City Dark coffee, and a box of spoon sized shredded wheat.
I weighed 89.2 kilos at 18:20.
I was caught up in my journal at 20:00.
I tried again to digitize a cassette tape but the right channel kept dropping out. It comes back if move the receiver but then drops out again. Tomorrow I’m going to take it to AMI electronics to see if Doctor Moz can fix it.
I had a potato with gravy and two chicken drumsticks while watching the sixth season finale of The Carol Burnett Show.
It’s a family show, meaning it only features the regular cast with no special guests.
They begin with a song and dance about how much they love their family tree.
During the audience warmup someone asks Carol what was her favourite movie of the year. She says she liked all of the movies that were nominated but was disappointed that The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds starring Joanne Woodward and directed by Paul Newman was not nominated, and says it’s one of the best films she’s ever seen.
She brings Vicki Lawrence out and tells everybody about her record, “The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia” that was written by Vicki’s husband Bobby Russell. She then surprises Vicki by announcing that it sold a million copies and then presents her with a gold record.
A young woman named Cindy says she’s a fan of Lyle Waggoner. Lyle comes out and asks if she wants a kiss and then says that since he doesn’t know her he wants to do this right. He brings a small table, two chairs, two glasses and a bottle of wine onto the stage and then escorts Cindy up to sit down. They have a drink and then he kisses her.
In the first skit a little girl brings two dolls into her bedroom and lays them down onto a toy bed. She says goodnight to Barbrie and Ben and then leaves the room. After the girl leaves, Barbrie and Ben, played by Carol and Harvey, come to life. She accuses him of peeking when the girl changes her outfits. Then they hear her coming back and so they return to the bed. She puts another doll in bed beside them and leaves. He introduces himself as G.I. Jack, Barbrie likes him and Ben is jealous. The girl returns with another doll she puts beside them, played by Vicki. They ask her name and they all jump away from the bed when she tells them “Betsy Wetsy”.
The Ernie Flatt Dancers, dressed as very colourful exaggerations of hillbillies and split into two distinctly coloured groups do a mock dance-fight to the tune of the 1954 composition “Duelling Banjos” by Arthur “Guitar Boogie” Smith and made famous by the soundtrack of the 1972 film Deliverance.
Vicki and Lyle play jewel thieves who have just robbed a jewellery store and the area is flooded with cops. They decide to hide in a movie theatre that is playing a film called The Danish Wife. The film however is one of those sexually explicit European movies that tend to embarrass prudish Anglo North Americans like Vickie’s character. She says she may be a thief but she does it with her clothes on. She is ready to call the police to get the theatre busted when the police enter the theatre looking for the jewel thieves. But when the cops see the scenes on the screen they are transfixed and sit down. Vickie and Lyle leave and he even gets one of the cops to pass him the satchel full of diamonds that he left by his seat.
Dr. Jones and Dr. Kointz, orthopaedic specialists in bones and joints have opened up a new office together. They celebrate with a drink and sing the 19th Century song “Dem Bones” by James Wheldon Johnson and James Rosamund Johnson. Then they sing specifically in praise of the elbow.
There is a parody of the movie “Ransom Harvest” called “Rancid Harvest”. In an English hospital in 1918 there is an amnesia patient played by Harvey. The star of the local music hall, Gwendoline and her magic squeezebox comes to entertain the patients. She is however so involved in her routine at the expense of the patients that she furthers their injuries and so they all escape except for the amnesia patient. She decides to call him Peter and invites him to her cottage in the country. She falls for him and then discovers from his picture in the paper that he is the missing Sir Charles, the richest lord in London. She conceals this fact from him to keep him to herself. She tells him that he asked her to marry him and she accepts. He says he’s going to go find a justice of the peace but she says he shouldn’t go out because all amnesia victims get hit by taxi cabs. He says that only happens in bad movies but then he goes out and gets hit by a cab. He is returned to his estate where he eventually recovers and returns to his vicious and rotten personality. Gwendoline gets herself hired as his secretary but he doesn’t remember her. As she insists they are lovers he calls for help but gets hit by the door when his fiancé opens it and remembers himself as the gentle Peter again. But when his fiancé realizes what has occurred she hits him over the head again, changing him back. But then both Charles and Gwendoline get hit by the door and Peter returns but Gwendoline is gone. He tells her she has amnesia and she says, “My name is Amnesia? I’m a Greek girl!” He tells her to step outside so she can get hit by a cab and they live happily ever after.
As always in the season finale, the show ends with the Charwoman sweeping up on the Carol Burnett set. Trick cinematography puts several of her characters together: Zelda, Chiquita, Nora, and Alice Portnoy and they all sing together about being together. Then Carol sings the long version of her theme song, kisses the head of the same one bald guy asleep in his seat and leaves the theatre.
One of the writers for this episode was Jay Tarses. He went on to create the TV series The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd; and The Slap Maxwell Story. He co-created the sitcoms Open All Night, The Tony Randall Show, and Buffalo Bill. He was an executive producer of The Bob Newhart Show. He co-created, co-wrote, and co-starred in the British sitcom Revolting People. He co-starred in the sitcom The Duck Factory. He co-wrote The Great Muppet Caper and The Muppets Take Manhattan.
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