July 22, 1996: Keith's tip blew out the truck window

Thirty years ago today

            On Monday I worked for Keith Anderson Moving and Storage. Keith was driving the truck and in the end the customer gave us a tip. Keith kept $5 for himself, which I though was shitty of him since he owned the company. He put it in his shirt pocket and it seemed like poetic justice when we drove over a breezy bridge and the wind blew his bill out the window.

Robert Illes

            On Sunday morning I revised my translation of the first chorus of “La complainte de Bonnot” by Boris Vian. 

            I published on my Christian’s Translations blog “Je t’aime. Moi aussi” and my translation “I Love You. So Do I”. On Monday I’ll post my translation on Facebook and then look for the next Serge Gainsbourg song that I’ve failed to translate. The last song listed in my 1972 Gainsbourg document is “Une chanson de cour” but it was just written for a TV show skit and doesn’t seem to exist online. So tomorrow I’ll start searching in the 1973 file. 

            I weighed 90.45 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since June 29. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune more than half the time. 

            I met my friend Brian Haddon in front of my place at 14:00 and we walked over to The Mezz for lunch. We sat on the patio where unfortunately even there they had a big screen installed for the World Cup. But it wasn’t too bad until the last half hour we were there when it got noisy. We had poached eggs Mexican style under refried beans and guacamole with home fries and tortilla chips baked in cheese and it was very good. Just as our other favourite place The Artful Dodger stopped serving Creemore on tap, so has the Mezz. I told him that I’ve been listening to Sandy Denny and he was surprised to hear that she was once with Strawbs. He asked if that was before or after Rick Wakeman was in Strawbs and I was surprised that he had been a member. 

            After we left I walked Brian to Dufferin but once I saw that his bus was coming and that he’d be able to catch it I said goodbye because I was bursting with the need to pee. I went into the basement of the Burger Lab but their washroom was out of order. I was really worried that I was going to pee my pants. I walked up to the Alexandria Falafel and begged the guy to let me use the washroom. He just said to make sure the light was off when I was done. He was also occupied with the World Cup final and indifferent to me when I said thank you. 

            When I got home I immediately took a siesta. 

            I weighed 91.1 kilos at 19:05. 

            I was a day behind in my journal for the 11th day in a row. 

            I made pizza on multigrain sandwich bread with rosée tomato sauce, tomato pesto, wedge oven fries, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore while watching season 11, episode 2 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            I was disappointed that Harvey Korman had been replaced by Dick Van Dyke for the final season. I like Dick Van Dyke but Harvey Korman was a much better sketch comedian. 

            Tim Conway plays Danny Draft, Private Eye and we find him sleeping at his desk in an office that is carpeted with beer cans. There’s a knock on the door and wakes up to answer the phone. The knocking continues so he reports it to the operator. Then he realizes it’s the door but seems to have forgotten the location of his office door. He opens one door and it’s a closet with an avalanche of beer cans. He opens another and the same thing happens. What office even has one closet let alone two? It’s very hard to walk on his floor because of all the beer cans but he stumbles and slips and slides to the correct door and Carol comes in wearing sunglasses and a scarf. She says she has something to say and no one else can hear. He says he’ll go outside then. She says they’re trying to kill her and she needs his help. He asks why he would help to kill her when he doesn’t even know her. She says she has $1000 to pay him and he says, “That’ll cover the first year”. She says she’ll be lucky if she lives for a week so he says she’d better pay in advance. She says there are other ways to pay. “When was the last time you saw a body like this?” “When I went from bottles to cans”. “I suppose you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be with a woman”, “Not yet but I’m workin on it.” She says she thinks the killer followed her there and Danny looks out the window. Meanwhile we see that the killer is hiding in the closet. She shows Danny a ticking package she received. He takes it into the other closet, which he calls the bomb room. It blows up and he comes crashing through a window that wasn’t there before above the door. There’s a knock on the door and so he hides Carol in the closet where the killer is hiding and then answers it. It’s a couple looking for the sex clinic down the hall. When he comes back to the closet he’s holding his gun and it accidentally goes off, shooting through the door and killing the murderer. Then he accidentally shoots himself. 

            Steve Lawrence sings the 1974 song “Every Time I Sing a Love Song” by Jon English. 

            Then Dick Van Dyke comes out to greet him. That’s a first as it’s always been Carol, so it’s like Dick is not just a member of the cast but also a co-host. Dick tells Steve he’d give anything to be able to sing like him. Steve says anybody can do it and he can show him. He says, “Who do you think taught Eydie?” (A reference to his wife Eydie Gormé and obviously a joke since she was 7 years older than him and they were both professional singers before they met on The Tonight Show). Dick says, “I think you’re in a lot of trouble!” Steve says, “You’ve got to take a deep breath. It all starts in the diaphragm. You’ve got to bring it up from the diaphragm well behind the mask. Dick tries it and obviously deliberately fumbles, then insists again that he just can’t sing. Steve says he finds it hard to believe because Dick has so much rhythm. They duet on the song “Sing” by Marvin Hamlisch and from the 1975 musical A Chorus Line. When Dick finally sings a note it turns out to be a recording. 

            They do a series of skits of TV stars holding out for more money between seasons. 

            Dick plays a star confronting his producer (played by Tim) with his demands. Rick wants $250,000 an episode, a Rolls Royce, a waterbed in his dressing room, and 12.5% of the profits. Tim says they’ll just have to replace him but Dick laughs and points out that his picture is on all the lunchboxes, the posters, and T-shirts. If he tries to replace him the public will drop the show. Tim says someone auditioning to replace him is right outside in the waiting room. Dick looks and sees it’s Dick Van Dyke. Dick comes back and tears up his demands. Tim tells him to get him a coffee and shine his shoes. 

            Carol and Steve play two married actors who have already quit their shows. Carol says there are other things besides show business. They say they don’t want to be late. Carol takes off her gown and is wearing the uniform of a diner server and Steve puts on a chauffeur’s hat. 

            Dick plays a director at a table read with three actors played by Vicki, Tim, and Carol. When it’s time for Vicki’s line she says she’s walking off the show unless she gets a $2000 a week raise. She says she’s the only one on the show with her own comic book so without her it’s sunk. Dick gives her the raise and they continue the rehearsal. When it comes to Tim’s line he also says he’s walking. He says he wants a raise too and argues that the show is called “Here’s Father” and he plays the father. Dick agrees and he gets the raise. When it’s Carol’s line she gives Dick a look and before she speaks he tells her she can have a raise. But Carol says she wants one dollar more than anyone else on the show. Dick agrees but then Vicki says she wants a soda fountain in her dressing room. Tim says he wants a door to door limo and Carol says she wants a sauna in her dressing room. Then a bell rings and Dick days, “Class dismissed! Tomorrow I’ll teach you how to storm off a set, throw a tantrum, and lock yourself in your dressing room.” 

            They do a parody of the 1936 musical San Francisco. Dick plays Whitey who owns a small show bar. He is rehearsing with a leading lady when a straight laced looking woman named Fran Sancisco (played by Carol) comes in. Fran goes onstage and asks Whitey for a singing job. Whitey tells her he already has a female singer. Fran “accidentally” drops her suitcase on the other woman’s foot and then again on her other foot. Whitey wants to see Fran’s legs but she says, “No one has ever seen my legs!” He asks if she’s got good legs and she says, “I don’t know. I’ve never seen them either.” Whitey punches the piano player and explains to Fran that he always socks people he likes. A female dancer asks him for the time and after telling her he punched her. She walks away knowing he likes her. Whitey gives Fran a song to sing but she does it in a very formal style so he has to teacher her how to sing with pep and to say “Would’ja” instead of “Would you”. Tim plays Father Melon the singing priest and he sings every one of his lines. Every time Whitey tries to kiss Fran, Melon appears between them. He warns Fran never to kiss Whitey because something awful will happen. A week later Fran gives her first performance and she sings a parody of the “Theme from San Francisco” but in her formal style that the audience hates. Whitey comes out rips off one side of her gown. She then sings “San Francisco is a two faced woman ones a devil (she turns to show herself in her corset) and one’s a saint (she turns to show the gown) / San Francisco is a two faced woman, One’s an angel and the other one ain’t”. The audience loves it. Fran receives a note from Robert Snob (played by Steve) who is an upper crust type from Knob Hill. She meets Snob and when he’s wearing his pince-nez he speaks in an effeminate voice but when he takes it off his voice is deep and masculine. He tells Fran she shouldn’t be singing at Whitey’s place but in grand opera. He wants her to co-star in his opera. Whitey kicks Snob out and tells him not to come back. He tells Fran he loves her but she says he just wants to use her. He punches her though and now she knows he really does love her. He tries to kiss her but Melon swings in on a rope. Fran is dating Snob and comes to his lavish home in Knob Hill. He kisses her and she immediately falls asleep. He introduces Fran to his mother (played by Vickie) who he kisses on the cheek and puts to sleep. Mumsie tells Fran that she once fell for someone like Whitey but then she met Robert’s father and chose money and social standing over looks and passion. She indicates her son and says, “If you pick this yutz you’re out of your gourd!” Snob plays for Fran his new opera that takes place in Spain. He says it’s about a Romani woman who sells cigarettes. Fran asks the character’s name and Snob asks what she thinks of Carmen. Snob says Carmen rushes into the square with a rose in her teeth and he sings and plays her song. Fran points out that it’s a classic opera called Carmen and he thinks she complimenting him. Then Whitey arrives and the two men have a tug of war over Fran. Mumsie shouts out that her son still sucks his thumb and wets the bed. Fran declares she won’t be with either of them and says she’s leaving San Francisco. But after a few weeks she returns to Whitey. He kisses her and the great San Francisco earthquake begins. Everything is falling down around them and Fran says there is only one force in the world that can stop the disaster. Snob arrives, Fran says for him to kiss her and it puts the quake to sleep. Whitey punches Snob because he likes him now. The cast sings the San Francisco song and when Fran hits the high note the quake happens in reverse and everything comes back together. 

            One of the writers for The Carol Burnett Show was Robert Illes, who excelled in creative writing in high school. He studied Telecommunications and Journalism at the University of Southern California. He became a comedy newscaster for the KUSC student radio station. He co-hosted with James R. Stein the Stein and Illes Radio Show for three years and became very popular with the underground FM audience. At the same time they took a course in YV writing and got work for the Tennessee Ernie Ford Show. After their radio show was canceled they continued as TV writers. In 1972 they were hired for The New Bill Cosby Show. They co-wrote a Lili Tomlin Special for which they won Emmys. They wrote three episodes of Sanford and Son and created the character of Woody. They wrote for Van Dyke and Company and Fernwood 2Night for which they were nominated for Emmy Awards. Their work on The Carol Burnett Show earned them their second Emmy. They executive produced the sitcom Amen. Illes went solo in 1994 and wrote produced the sitcom Sister Sister. He co-created the series Goode Behaviour. He wrote several episodes of Family Matters. He married Barbara Pariot who was the voice of Valerie on Josie and the Pussycats. 

            The homeless guy who pretty much lives outside of my building was doing a whole spontaneous performance with two voices responding to each other one low and one high and in rhythm.

July 21, 1996: My daughter and I played with her action figures

Thirty years ago today

            On Sunday my daughter and I played with her action figures on the back roof of my new place.

Billy Corgan

            On Saturday morning I revised my translation of the first two verses of “La complainte de Bonnot” by Boris Vian. 

            I finished translating “Je t’aime. Moi aussi” and ran through singing and playing “I Love You. So Do I”. I uploaded the song to my Christian’s Translations blog and on Sunday I’ll begin preparing it for publication. 

            I weighed 89.95 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin during song practice and it went out of tune constantly. 

            Around midday I rode to No Frills where the grapes were on sale but I had to go through them all to find seven bags that were firm and those were only the green ones. I also bought a large pack of blueberries, some bananas, a pack of five-year-old cheddar.

            I weighed 91.2 kilos at 14:25. I had peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar on saltines with a glass of cold tea and lemonade. 

            I took a siesta and didn’t wake up until almost 17:00 so it was too late to take a bike ride. 

            I weighed 91.5 kilos at 17:15, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the evening since February 20.

            I’ve been a day behind in my journal for 10 days and was still behind at suppertime. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with rosée tomato sauce, tomato pesto, wedge oven fries, and five year old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 10, episode 23 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone asks Carol if Bob Mackie designs both hers and Cher’s clothes how come Carol doesn’t show her belly button. Carol says she doesn’t have one. 

            Someone tells Carol the public would love to see her kids on her show. Carol says her kids don’t want to be on her show and even if they did she wouldn’t put them on. She says, “My old lady didn’t have a television show of her own so let them get theirs”. 

            The first sketch is a Tudball-Wiggins story. Tudball is uncharacteristically smoking a cigar but it serves a purpose later on. He calls Wiggins into his office and she says she’s tired from Christmas preparations. Tudball tells her that Christmas in nine months away. She says she knows that but likes to do her shopping now so she won’t be tired then. Tudball says if he doesn’t have a fire safety program for his office his insurance company will raise his rates. They are sending an adjustor over today so they have to run through their fire safety program before he gets here. Wiggins says they don’t have a fire safety program but Wiggins says they do now. He asks what she would do in case of a fire. She says she’d go to the fire escape through the window. He tells her they don’t have a fire escape in the office. He gives her a whistle to blow if there’s a fire but she can’t blow it because she’s too tired because of Christmas coming in nine months. He says after she blows the whistle she has to get down on her hands and knees crawl out of the office and then down the hall to the fire escape. Tudball says for them to practice the drill. Wiggins has a hard time getting onto her hands and knees because of her tight skirt. Once she does she moves very slowly. He tells her to study the plan and then he puts his cigar in the ashtray on her desk. She puts the cigar in the trash can beside her desk. Then Goodman the insurance adjustor (played by Harvey) arrives. He goes into Tudball’s office and Tudball asks if his company has any comedy insurance (Harvey chuckles and says, “Right on!”). Meanwhile there’s smoke coming from Wiggins’s waste basket. She sees it and tries but fails to blow the whistle. She goes into Tudball’s office and struggles to get down on her hands and knees. Then Tudball sees the smoke, blows his whistle and also gets to his knees. While they are crawling, Goodman calmly walks over to Wiggens’s desk and puts out the fire with a pitcher of water that’s there. Goodman says if he hadn’t been there the fire would have gotten out of control while they were crawling around on the floor. Tudball asks if he’s going to raise his rates but Goodman says he’s cancelling his policy altogether. 

            Ken Berry does a tap dance routine with the Ernie Flatt Dancers to “I Got Rhythm” by George Gershwin. The cutest dancer, Toni Kaye is featured as his partner. Tap is impressive but it’s not that interesting or entertaining. 

            Harvey and Tim play a Foreign Legion captain and private lost in the Sahara Desert. Tim is out of water and says he can’t go on. Just then he sees a bar with tables and chairs. Harvey tells him it’s not real and that it’s just a desert rock formation. Then Vickie in a low cut top, a short skirt, and high blonde hair comes out with a tray and shouts, “Last call for alcohol!” Tim shows Vicki to Harvey but Harvey tells him it’s only a cactus. Tim wants to know if the Legion would approve of a mixed marriage between a Protestant and a cactus. Tim orders a Tom Collins and Vickie brings it but Harvey takes it away, throws it in his face, and says it’s not real. Harvey pulls out his gun and says he’ll have to put him out of his misery. So Tim says the captain is right and that it was all just rocks and a cactus. Harvey puts his gun away. Then Vicki brings Tim another drink but before he can drink it Vicki’s husband comes out and grabs him. He accuses him of making out with his wife and threatens to punch him out. Harvey says he sees their troops in the distance but Tim says it’s just cacti. Tim pulls his gun and shoots Harvey. Then he goes to the bar again where now the tables and chairs are rocks and Vickie really is a cactus. But there are no cacti in the Sahara desert. 

            They do a parody of Babes in Arms called Babes in Barns. Spunky (played by Ken Berry) comes home to tell his parents (played by Harvey and Vicki) that he sold his first song. Pops punches him and tells him to bring them “A”s in Geometry and not to talk about show business. Meanwhile there are movers taking the furniture from their house because they are behind on their payments. Moms says they are going to have to move out. Spunky says they can have his song money and Pops smacks him again. But it turns out that Spunky’s parents are an old vaudeville act called “Pops and Flossie McGillacuddy” and even though they haven’t performed in over 20 years they are still waiting to make a come back. They do an old style song and dance. Spunky and his parents go in the house, then Spunk’s neighbour Dodie (played by Carol) arrives outside and sings a song about loving her neighbour when her neighbour doesn’t love her. Spunky comes out and tells her why he’s unhappy. She suggests her play her his song and there just happens to be a piano on the porch. The song is about being old enough to know about love and young enough to do it. It turns into a song and dance that gathers a crowd of mostly their fellow teenagers (played by the Earnie Flatt Dancers). Spunky decides they can put on a show to make money and they’ll use the barn as the theatre. They all do Spunky’s song together as they make preparations to fix up the barn. But they still need money to put on the show and one of the kids, DeDee (played by Toni Kaye one of the dancers) is the only one whose father is rich. She says her father would back the show if she could be a star and so Spunk agrees. He has to break it to Dodie and her heart is broken but she still puts everything into fixing the barn and managing the show. The opening number has Spunky and Dee Dee doing a jitterbug and singing about Rhythm, Romance and Razamataz. Pops discovers there is a show going on in his born and says he’s going to shut it down but Dodie convinces him and Flossie to perform so they do their number. But in the middle of the show DeeDee abandons it out of boredom and leaves for the Riviera. Everybody convinces Dodie to take DeeDee’s place as Cleopatra and so she does. She is holding an asp as if it’s a microphone as she dances and sings about killing herself because her lover Tony has gone off to fight a war. But Marc Antony arrives in in Roman armour but wearing a fedora. They sing Spunky’s song together. Dodie tries to do the splits like DeeDee but can only go halfway. 

            I’ve been listening to the Smashing Pumpkins. They’re musically interesting and I pick up sometimes a Black Sabbath influence, which front person Billy Corgan has confirmed. They are apparently his favourite band. The Smashing Pumpkins remind me of Nirvana but without Cobain’s more interesting lyrics. As a poet I would choose Cobain over Corgan whose lyrics are surprisingly and disappointingly conventional and mostly about boring subjects like love. He also effects a fake southern US accent when he sings. Although his voice is somewhat nasal it does have a lot of intensity. In 1988 Corgan started making Goth-Pop demos with guitarist James Iha. They met D’arcy Wretzky and formed The Smashing Pumpkins using a drum machine for percussion. When they needed a drummer to land a bigger gig they recruited Jimmy Chamberlin. As is often the case with bands, their third album was the best and the song “1979” is their only universally familiar hit. In 2004 Corgan published a book of poetry called Blinking With Fists but the title is more interesting than the poetry. Corgan bought The National Wrestling Alliance for some reason. One can tell by some of his lyrics he’s a Christian and he’s confirmed that. He was lovers with Courtney Love before she married Kurt Cobain.

July 20, 1996: My daughter and I played on the back roof

Thirty years ago today

            On Saturday Nancy brought our daughter downtown to spend the weekend with me. We played on the back roof and at the playground a few blocks away.

Hal Linden

            On Friday morning I ran through singing and playing “La complainte de Bonnot” by Boris Vian. On Saturday I’ll start revising my translation. 

            I ran through singing and playing “Je t’aime. Moi aussi” (I Love You. So Do I). I worked out a translation for the first verse and some of the second. I should have it done tomorrow and then I’ll run through it in English. 

            I weighed 89.6 kilos before breakfast.

            I played my Martin during song practice and it didn’t stay in tune.

            I painted with “blue bliss” the inside edge and part of the back of my future bathroom mirror frame. I painted just enough of the back where the mirror fits so it doesn’t show a reflection of the unpainted part of the frame. On Tuesday I might touch up the blue around parts of the edges of the four pink floral reliefs on the frame where there are tiny bits of white showing. Then I’ll put the glass back in and hopefully mount the mirror next Friday. 

            I weighed 91.35 kilos before lunch, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the early afternoon since June 25.

            In the afternoon the smoke had cleared enough for me to ride my bike all the way downtown and back. 

            I weighed 90.5 kilos at 17:45. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still a day behind at suppertime. 

            I grilled two T-bone steaks and had one with a potato and gravy while watching season 10, episode 21 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            The first skit features the snooty theatrical married couple Funt and Mundane performing their play A Deadly Affair. They have toured the play across the country and given over 400 performances but tonight they are in the huge outdoor Astro Bowl with an audience of 25,000. They’ve never played for more than 2500. The stage is also much bigger and everything on the set is much further apart than usual and a much longer walk. They also have to shout in order to be heard from the back. When they sit on the couch the people in the front can’t see them so they have to sit on the back of the couch. During an important line a plane flies overhead and drowns it out. Then a moth flies down Mundane’s dress and her reaction looks like dancing so Funt joins in. Then a storm blows in and the set starts moving across the stage and they both lose their wigs. 

            Hal Linden sings the 1972 song “I Won’t Last a Day Without You” by Paul Williams and Roger Nichols. 

            After the song Hal tells Carol that he would love to answer audience questions the way she does. But before anyone can ask anything Carol gives out so much information about him that nobody has anything to ask. He’s the star of Barney Miller, he’s been in many Broadway plays and won a Tony for The Rothschilds; he started in showbusiness as a sax player and band singer. 

            Harvey is piloting a ship when Tim as his old man character and this time as the oldest sea captain arrives on deck. He says, “If the sea could only talk it would tell us where to get some clams”. He looks at a mural on the wall of the sea and a ship and marvels at how calm the sea is tonight. Then he notices the ship in the painting and sounds the alarm. Tim is about to retire when he is hit by the door and a seaman reports an iceberg off the port bow. Tim goes to telegraph their position and asked how to spell “SOS”. Tim takes the wheel and ends up spinning on it for several turns with his whole body but it steers them clear of the ice berg. 

            They do a parody of Showboat called "Riverboat". Carol plays Ruby the star of the Riverboat Show. She’s excited because the boat has docked in the town where her shifty, cowardly, unfaithful, gambling man Snakey is. She sings a parody of “Can’t Help Loving That Man”. She sees him (played by Hal) but he doesn’t notice her as he sings about his ideal mate. When she makes her presence known and suggests they get married he tells her he’d never marry someone whose grandmother was a saloon singer. But when he sees the captain’s daughter Wisteria (played by Vicky) he falls for her. They sing a song together about pretending. She tells her father she’s in love with Snakey and Snakey tells them he’s going to reform and make Wisteria his wife. Ruby has been listening and she wants to give Wisteria the chance to star in the show so she announces that she’s quitting the Riverboat. She says she wants to be a saloon singer and belt out suggestive songs for old drunks and be somebody. She leaves and then Tim sings a parody of “Old Man River” called “Old Mister Sippy”. A year later Ruby is a saloon singer singing to a handful of unconscious drunks when Snakey staggers in looking ragged and dirty. He asks some unconscious gamblers if he can join their game and sits down. Ruby asks him why he doesn’t go back to his insipid wife. He says he’s not good enough for her “but I’m good enough for you” and they embrace. Snakey goes to brush his teeth and then Wisteria enters the saloon with a baby in her arms. She tells Ruby repeatedly how horrible she looks. Wisteria tells Ruby she’s miserable without Snakey and again tells Ruby how bad she looks. Wisteria leaves and Snakey comes in looking renewed. Ruby suggests they take a walk by the docks and she leads him to the Riverboat where Wisteria is sadly singing her “Pretend” song and suddenly Snakey runs to her to join in. The Riverboat rolls away while Ruby sits on the dock singing “Old Mister Sippy” until she’s covered by a big sack of cotton. 

            Hal Linden was born Harold Lipschitz in 1931. In his late teen he played clarinet with symphony orchestras. He studied music at Queens College. He toured with Sammy Kaye’s orchestra. he studied voice and acting at the American Theatre Wing. He made his Broadway debut in Bells Are Ringing in 1956. He made his TV debut on Producer’s Showcase in 1957. He won a Tony Award in 1971 for his performance in the musical The Rothschilds. He starred in Barney Miller from 1975 to 1983 and was nominated for 7 Emmy Awards. He hosted Animals and FYI (for which he won two Emmys). He won another Emmy for CBS Schoolbreak Special. He starred in the sitcoms Blacke’s Magic in 1986, Jack’s Place in 1992, and The Boys Are Back in 1994. He co-starred in the films A New Life, Time Changer, He starred in The Samuel Project. He released an album of standards in 2011.

July 19, 1996: I now lived almost across the street from The Cameron House

Thirty years ago today

            On Friday evening, now that I lived almost across the street from The Cameron House, it was very convenient to perform on the Spit Fridays open stage in the back room. Afterwards I busked on Queen Street between the Horseshoe Tavern and the Rivoli.

Ben Vereen

            On Thursday morning despite my having steamed the baseboards and laid down diatomaceous earth along them yesterday there were just as many bedbugs on the walls as ever. I noticed that sometimes while I was steaming, the green light on the steamer went off so maybe it wasn’t as hot during those times. Maybe I should only spray when the light is green. Meanwhile I’ll spray down some more diatomaceous earth. 

            The smoke from the wild fires was worse than ever. It’s like living next door to a house that’s on fire. I can see the smoke in the air. 

            I finished working out the chords for “La complainte de Bonnot” by Boris Vian. On Friday I’ll run through singing and playing them in French and English. 

            I finished memorizing “Je t’aime. Moi aussi” (I Love You. So Do I). I transcribed the chords from the rest of “Je t’aime. Moi non plus” (I Love You. Neither Do I) and placed them on the final verse of the parody. Tomorrow I’ll run through singing and playing it in French and then work on my translation. 

            I weighed 89.45 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Kramer during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time. I had a discomfort in my chest from the smoke through the whole rehearsal. 

            I weighed 90.9 kilos before lunch.

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride but I felt it would be too dangerous to ride all the way downtown with the air quality so low, so I just rode as far as Ossington and Bloor. I stopped at Freshco on the way home. I planned to do a price match on the grapes but only found four bags of red grapes and one of green that were firm. I got two packs of Canadian blueberries, some bananas, a striploin steak, a pack of Full City Dark coffee, and a jar of salsa. I matched the grapes to the Food Basics price of $4.37 a kilo and Freshco always knocks off a penny a kilo so I got them for $4.36 a kilo. 

            I weighed 90.65 kilos at 17:55. I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still a day behind at suppertime. 

            I had a potato with gravy, a small chicken leg and some skyr while watching season 10, episode 20 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            Carol introduces Ben Vereen and he gets a standing ovation. Carol says the only other person who ever got such greeting on her show was Sir Laurence Olivier. He introduces his wife and two daughters, asking them to stand up but none of them are willing. He says he hasn’t got a ham besides himself in the family. 

            Carol and Tim play a married couple and Tim is trying to write a eulogy for his best friend Charlie but can’t think of what to say. Carol suggests that he just list all the things Charlie did for him. Tim remembers when they were in basic training together Tim was the worst shot in the whole company but Charlie switched the scorecards so Tim could win the sharpshooter medal. “Three months later all of us sharpshooters got to go oversees. I was lucky enough to go in with the first wave. Poor Charlie is the one who always liked the beach” but had to spend the entire war in Miami. Tim says, “If it weren’t for Charlie I’d have never gotten that Purple Heart”. After the war Charlie asked Tim to be his business partner. All Tim had to offer was the $11,000 in back pay that built up while he was a prisoner of war. Charlie had a second house, a yacht, and a mountain cabin. Carol says, “Oh that mountain cabin! What a place!” Tim says he doesn’t remember Carol ever seeing the mountain cabin. She says she just pictures it from the way Charlie described it. Tim says, “Remember when Charlie used to send me away on those business trips and I’d be gone for months on end! But no matter how long I was gone Charlie would be right here to greet me.” Tim shows Carol a picture of Charlie when he was a kid but Carol corrects him that it’s a picture of their son. Tim wonders if Charlie was on his way to the gym when he died why did he die here. Tim says Charlie was quite a ladies man and every time he had a girlfriend he always bought her a box of candy. Tim wonders why they have a closet full of those boxes of candy. Tim pulls out a gun and tells Carol to say hello to Charlie. 

            A little boy and a little girl are lost and frightened in an enchanted forest. Ben Vereen plays a magical man who jumps out to calm the elements down. He comforts the children by singing “Believe in Yourself” by Charlie Smalls from the 1975 musical The Wiz. The children and some strange animals dance with Ben. The little girl has obviously had some ballet training. 

            Carol and Harvey play a married couple at a table in a cafeteria arguing about Harvey’s plan to have his mother move in with them. Then Ben sits at their table to eat his lunch. Carol makes a point and thinks she sees Ben nodding in agreement. They both keep trying to pull Ben into their argument while he keeps trying to eat his lunch. Harvey wants his mother to have the one bedroom while they sleep on the bed couch. Carol asks Ben if he would kick his wife out of her own bed. Bed says it was the other way around, which is why he became a divorce lawyer. Now that they know he’s a lawyer they try to get his opinion even more but he says he charges for consultations. Finally Ben confronts them each. He tells Harvey to get over his obsession with his mother and learn to leave the nest. He tells Carol to learn some tolerance and stop making fat jokes about her mother-in-law. He declares that both of them are a mess. They are offended by a complete stranger trying to run their lives. Carol tells him to keep his nose out of other people’s business and she and Harvey leave in disgust. 

            It’s been a while since they’ve done the As The Stomach Turns soap opera skit. Marian is saying goodbye to the guests at her daughter’s wake. When all that’s left is the minister she grabs him, dips him, and kisses him. Someone calls to invite her to bridge at 13:30. She tells them she’s in mourning and must wait a respectable amount of time before socializing, so she’ll be there at 14:00. The doorbell rings and it’s Tim in his old man character playing Duane Toddleberry, the oldest insurance agent in Canoga Falls. He sits on the couch and falls asleep with his eyes open. Marian says that’s the first time a man has ever slept in her home. Duane is here about Marian’s $50,000 life insurance policy on her daughter. He thinks she’s still alive and he’s here to get the money back. She says she spent it all on the hall rental, the band, and the open bar for her funeral. he starts looking for Marian’s daughter. There’s a painting of a barn behind the couch and he says he’s going to look inside. She says it’s a painting but Duane opens the little door of the barn and crawls inside. Then he opens the hayloft door and looks out. He sneezes from the hat and gets poked in the face by a tiny pitchfork. The doorbell rings and it’s Harvey in his Mother Marcus Jewish mother drag character. She sits down and announces that she’s become a medium. Marian said she thought she was an extra large. Marcus says she communicates with the dead and so Marian asks her to contact her daughter Jamie. Marcus goes into a trance and asks Jamie to give them a sign. The doorbell rings and it’s Jamie (played by Vicki as usual) and as usual carrying a newly born baby. Marian asks her to forgive her for the way she treated her when she was alive. Jamie tells her she’s not dead and Marian closes the door on her. Jamie smashes through the door and tells Marian that the reason she didn’t die is because a secret government agency put her back together and gave her bionic parts. She says she never wanted legs that can run 100 km an hour. Now nobody can dance with her. Marcus says it must be murder on pantyhose. Marian tells Jamie her friends will understand because they always thought she was fast. Jamie bangs her head against the wall in frustration, causing the foundation to quake, and both she and Duane end up with amnesia. The announcer asks if Jamie will realize how much men love women with amnesia? And will Marian stand trial for insurance fraud or will her case be settled in the judge’s chambers? 

            Carol and Ben to a salute to the songs of Harold Arlen. Ben sings “Hooray for Love” with lyrics by Leo Robin from the 1948 film Casbah. Carol sings “Down With Love” with lyrics by E. Y. Harburg from the 1937 musical Hooray for What!. Ben sings “Over the Rainbow” with lyrics by Harburg from the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz. Carol sings “Blues in the Night” with lyrics by Johnny Mercer from the 1941 film of the same name. Ben sings “A Sleepin Bee” with lyrics by Truman Capote and Arlen from the 1954 musical House of Flowers. Carol sings “The Man that Got Away” with lyrics by Ira Gershwin from the 1954 film A Star is Born. Ben sings the 1948 song “For Every Man There’s a Woman” with lyrics by Robin. Carol sings “Someone at Last” also from A Star is Born. Ben sings “T’morra T’morra” with lyrics by Harburg from the 1944 musical Bloomer Girl. They sing together “Ain’t it the Truth” with lyrics by Harburg from the 1943 film Cabin in the Sky. Ben sings “Get Happy” with lyrics by Ted Koehler from the 1930 musical The Nine Thirteen Revue while Carol sings the 1944 song “Ac-Cent-Choo-Ate the Positive” with lyrics by Mercer. They sing “The Eagle and Me” from Bloomer Girl. They sing “Any Place I Hang Ny Hat” with lyrics by Mercer from the 1946 musical St Louis Woman. They sing “We’re Off to See the Wizard” from The Wizard of Oz. Ben sings “I Love a Parade” with lyrics by Koehler from the 1931 revue Rhythmania. Carol sings “That Old Black Magic” from the 1942 film Star Spangled Rhythm and “My Shining Hour” from the 1943 film The Sky’s the Limit with lyrics by Mercer. They sing “Gotta Have Me Go With You” from A Star is Born. They sing the 1932 song “”I’ve Got the World on a String” with lyrics by Koehler. They sing “Hit the Road to Dreamland” from Star Spangled Rhythm. They sing “Don’t Like Goodbyes” from House of Flowers. They end with the beginning as usual and sing “Hooray for Love”. 

            Ben Vereen graduated from The High School of the Performing Arts. In 1964 at the age of 18 he made his New York stage debut in The Prodigal Son. He was the understudy for Sammy Davis Jr. for the Broadway show Golden Boy. He made his film debut in Sweet Charity in 1969. He was the first simultaneous winner of Entertainer of the Year, Rising Star, and Song and Dance Star from the American Guild of Variety Artists. He was Emmy nominated for playing Chicken George in the series Roots. He was nominated for a Tony in 1972 for his performance in the original production of Jesus Christ Superstar and won the award the next year for Pippin. IHe co-starred in Funny Lady, Buy and Cell, Time Out of Mind, In 1981 he performed in blackface at Ronald Reagon’s first inauguration but ABC cut it. He was trying to make a critical statement about Republican policies. He starred in the series Ten Speed and Brown Shoe. He played Webster’s uncle on Webster. He appeared in 62 episodes of Zoobilee Zoo and 11 episodes of Silk Stalkings. He played Geordi LaForge’s father on an episode of Star Trek The Next Generation. He appeared in five episodes of J.J. Starbuck. He was his godson Usher’s acting coach. In 1989 he started Celebrities for a Drug Free America. In 2018 four actors accused him of sexual harassment during a production of Hair that he was directing.

July 18, 1996: I got my phone connected

Thirty years ago today

            On Thursday I got my phone connected at my new place.

Jaye P. Morgan

            On Wednesday morning I placed the chords for the third and fourth verses and the second chorus of “La complainte de Bonnot” by Boris Vian according to the pattern of the first and second verses and the first chorus. The last verse is the same as the first and so for now I gave it the same chords. So far I only had time to check if the chords for the third verse fit, and they do. On Thursday I’ll see if the rest are correct. 

            I memorized the second verse of “Je t’aime. Moi aussi” (I Love You. So Do I). I transcribed the chords from the second verse of “Je t’aime. Moi non plus” (I Love You. Neither Do I) and placed them on the second verse of the parody. There are only four lines left to nail down so I might have it done tomorrow. 

            I weighed 89.05 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since July 7. 

            I played my Kramer during song practice and it stayed in tune more than half the time. 

            While I was playing and singing I saw two guys from The City of Toronto finally come to replace the bike post ring in front of my place, seven months after I reported to them that it had been knocked off by a snowplow. I gave them the old ring and told them how long ago I’d called them. He said they just got the paperwork that day. 

            Today I had to do laundry and wanted to wash both pairs of shorts but wanted something cool to wear. I tried cutting off a pair of jeans at the point they were ripped but they were so short it that if I wore them I would have looked like an old hustler. So I cut off an old pair of dockers at the point where they were torn. They didn’t look too short when I was standing but when I was on my bike the pockets hung down below the cut-offs and it looked ridiculous, but they served their purpose. 

            I weighed 89.3 kilos at 16:10. 

            My daughter Astrid and I were going to watch Wednesday in the evening on Discord but she messaged me while I was doing laundry that she would be sleeping in the evening and offered to watch it at our alternative time of 13:00. I wouldn’t have been able to and so we’ll be skipping watching the show this week. 

            I took a siesta and slept an extra hour. 

            I weighed 90.25 kilos at 19:55. 

            I was still a day behind in my journal and worked on catching up but remained behind at suppertime. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with rosée tomato sauce, tomato pesto, wedge oven fries, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 10, episode 19 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            In the Tudball-Wiggins sketch, Tudball asks Mrs. Wiggins where she is going on her one week vacation and she tells him Vegas. He suggests she try blackjack and she asks, “Who’s he?” He tries to explain that it’s a game and how it is played but she doesn’t understand. He suggests they play the game for real money so she can learn it. She says, “I thought your wife made you promise you wouldn’t gamble anymore”. He says they don’t have to tell her. She tries to bet a nickel but he tells her she has to bet at least $2 in Vegas. She gets 21 on the very first deal and wins $3 because one wins one and a half times what one bet. She bets all $5 for the next game. She is dealt two cards and doesn’t want any more. Tudball ends up busting with 27. Wiggins reveals she only has two threes but wins. Now she has $10 but says she has to get back to work. Tudball wants to keep playing. He offers her a chance to double her money and has her pick a card from the deck. He asks her what the card is and she says the four of hearts. He declares that it’s the four of hearts and that he wins but then she says, “Or is it the four of spades?” He looks and sees it’s the four of clubs so she wins since he didn’t guess her card. Mrs. Wiggins is about to leave for her one week vacation when the phone rings and it’s Mrs. Tudball. He begs Wiggins not to tell his wife he was gambling. Wiggins asks him if she should tell her or if she should leave for her two week vacation. 

            Eydie Gormé sings “What I Did For Love” by Marvin Hamlisch and Edward Kleban from the 1975 musical A Chorus Line. 

            When she is done, Carol comes out and says, “Brave, sad Eydie! I know how you must be suffering”. “What are you talking about? I’m not suffering.” “I hated finding out about you and Steve Lawrence the way I did”. “What about us?” Then Carol shows her a gossip magazine and reads, “Eydie spilled the beans that when Steve started hitting the sauce she threw in the towel”. Eydie tells her she has to read under the headlines: “On the Dinah Shore Show Eydie Gormé spilled the beans she was preparing when her husband Steve Lawrence was adding barbecue sauce to the recipe. Eydie then threw in a towel and caught most of it”. Then Eydie reads the headline, “Carol Burnett confesses that she’s a streetwalker and loves it”. Underneath it reads that Carol loves to exercise even if it’s a walk on the street”. They both swear off gossip magazines but then Eydie reads that the Bionic Woman tells how she got the parts. 

            Carol plays Mrs. Ferguson, whose husband has just been kidnapped. The police have just finished questioning her and now reporter Leo McKenzie comes with a film crew to interview her. She gives an emotional account of receiving the call from the kidnappers who said they had Arthur. They demanded a large sum of money or else he would be killed. When she’s done one of the technicians says the sound wasn’t right so she is asked to repeat the same account with the same emotion. When she’s done she says she wants to do another take because she thinks she can do it better. Her next account is extremely over dramatized. When they are gone she calls up a friend and is thrilled to announce that she’s going to be on the prime time news. 

            In the Mama’s Family sketch Ed is home alone looking for food only to find that there’s no bread and no crackers. Then Eunice and Mama arrive with Eunice carrying a big box. Eunice has bought clothes and accessories to wear because she is going to perform on a national TV show. Ed is angry that she’s been ignoring her duties as a housewife and a mother but Eunice is unrepentant because she thinks she’ll be a star after her appearance and may get a regular part on a TV series. She triumphantly reads out loud the letter she received telling her they enjoyed her audition and would love to have her perform on The Gong Show. Ed complains about the expenses and her air fare but Eunice argues that altogether everything costs about $500. In 15 years of marriage she hasn’t asked for anything for herself. $500 dollars over 15 years amounts to about 5 cents a day. She tells Ed for him to hire somebody to do what she’s done for him and see how much it costs. Mama suggests to Ed that he should be paying her to take care of his kids while Eunice is gone. Ed tells her to get her hand out of his pocket and reminds her that he didn’t charge her anything to lay her linoleum, fix her toilet and put up her screen door. Eunice rehearses her song, which is the 1974 song “Feelings” by Morris Albert and Louis Gasté. In the middle of the song Eunice adds a monologue about feelings that she had once when she skinned her knee while skipping rope, how she had her heart broken in high school, and how she feels when she sees the morning sun caressing the walls of the grain emporium. Then she finishes the song. Ed suggests that she might get gonged but Eunice says they only gong the bad acts and not class acts like hers. Flash forward to The Gong Show backstage as Eunice is one act away from going on. Ed calls her and asks when she’s coming home but Eunice says she’s never coming home. She’s going to buy a big house with a pool and a bodyguard to keep him and Mama off her property. Chuck Barris introduces Eunice Higgins and she starts singing “Feelings”. When she gets to the chorus we see the panel reacting. Jamie Farr looks like he’s in pain, Jaye P. Morgan is holding her ears, and Allen Ludden is cringing as well. They all hit the gong together before she’s done with the chorus. We see that Eunice is devastated. 

            Carol and Eydie do a salute to the songs of Hollywood. They sing “Hooray for Hollywood” by Richard A. Whiting and Johnny Mercer from the 1937 film Hollywood Hotel. Eydie sings “The Way We Were” by Marvin Hamlisch and Alan and Marilyn Bergman from the 1973 movie of the same name. They sing “Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head” by Burt Bacharach and Hal David from the 1969 film Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. They sing “Born Free” by John Barry and Don Black from the 1966 movie of the same name. Then “What’s New Pussycat?” by Bacharach and David from the 1965 film. They sing “Chim Chim Cheree” by Richard M. Sherman and Robert B. Sherman from the 1965 movie Mary Poppins. They sing “If You Feel Like Singing Sing” by Harry Warren and Mack Gordon from the 1950 movie Summer Stock. They sing “Be a Clown” and “Mack the Black” by Cole Porter from the 1948 film The Pirate. They sing “The Trolley Song” and “The Boy Next Door” by Ralph Blane and Hugh Martin from the 1944 movie Meet Me in St Louis. “Over the Rainbow” and “We’re Off to See the Wizard” by Harold Arlen and Yip Harburg from the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz. “Thanks for the Memory” by Ralph Rainger and Leo Robin from The Big Broadcast of 1938. “I’m Wishing” and “Whistle While You Work” by Frank Churchill and Larry Morey from the 1937 movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. “Theme from San Franciso” by Bronislaw Kaper, Walter Jurmann, and Gus Kahn from the 1936 film San Francisco. “Top Hat White Tie and Tails” by Irving Berlin from the 1935 film Top Hat. “I Won’t Dance” by Jerome Kern and Dorothy Fields from the 1935 film Roberta. “Let Yourself Go” by Berlin from the 1936 film Follow the Fleet. “The Continental” by Con Conrad and Herb Magidson from the 1934 film The Gay Divorcee. Eydie sings part of a song in Spanish. Then “Lullaby of Broadway” by Harry Warren and Al Dubin from the 1935 film. “42nd Street” by Warren and Dubin from the 1933 film. Carol sings “On the Good Ship Lollipop” by Richard A. Whiting and Sidney Clare from the 1934 film Bright Eyes. Eydie sings “Stay as Sweet as You Are” by Harry Revel and Mack Gordon from the 1934 film College Rhythm. Carol sings Animal Crackers in My Soup by Irving Caesar and Ted Koehler from the 1935 movie Curly Top. “Should I Reveal” by Nacio Herb Brown and Arthur Freed from the 1929 film Lord Byron of Broadway. “Am I Blue” by Harry Akst and Grant Clarke from the 1929 film On With the Show. “Keep Your Sunny Side Up” by Rau Henderson, B.G. De Sylva and Lew Brown from the 1929 movie Sunny Side Up. “Sonny Boy” by the same three from the 1928 movie The Singing Fool. “My Mammy” by Walter Donaldson, Joe Young and Sam M. Lewis from the 1927 movie The Jazz Singer. As usual they finish with the song that started them off but this time they are shown standing in front of the actual Hollywood sign as the camera is probably pulling away in a helicopter. 

            Jaye P. Morgan graduated from high school in 1949 and sought a career as a cabaret singer. She sang with the Frank de Vol Orchestra and her first big hit was “Life Is Just a Bowl of Cherries” in 1951. From 1954 to 1955 she was a vocalist on the show Stop the Music. In 1955 she had five hits: “All I Want from You” hit #5, “The Longest Walk” was #6, “Danger Heartbreak Ahead” and “If You Don’t Want My Love” both reached #12, and “Pepper Hot Baby” made it to #14. She was a regular vocalist on the Robert Q. Lewis Show. In 1959 her version of “Are You Lonesome Tonight” made it to #65 before Elvis recorded it. She sang the theme song for the 1975 sitcom Fay. She made several appearances on Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show. From 1976 to 1978 she was a regular panelist on The Gong Show” until she was fired for exposing her breasts.

July 17, 1996: I saw my former landlady come home with her newborn bundle of psycho

Thirty years ago today

            On Wednesday morning I was packing the rest of my stuff at 111 Sheridan Avenue when I noticed my now former landlady Helga Schlatter come home from the hospital with her newborn bundle of future psycho. Brian Haddon used his car to help me move the remainder of my things to the new place at 428 Queen West.

Ken Darby

            On Tuesday morning I saw a lot of bedbugs. My landlord should be in jail for his negligence. 

            I worked out the chords for the chorus of “La complainte de Bonnot” by Boris Vian. That probably completes the chord pattern for the song but I’ll find out for sure tomorrow. 

            I weighed 90.2 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since June 29. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time. 

            I sanded the inside edge and the underside where the glass sits of my future bathroom mirror frame to prepare it for painting. I discovered a few days ago after thinking that I’d finished painting the frame that some of the unpainted underside of the mirror frame is visible in the reflection. I’d never really noticed before but the big mirrors above my mantles also show the unpainted undersides of the frame. 

            I weighed 90.75 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and as I was passing Long and McQuade I saw my old friend Tom Smarda. The last time I saw him was about a year and a half ago when he came to my book launch. He’s looking old and gaunt. We chatted for about ten minutes. He says he’s preparing for his annual camping trip up north and was just buying some extra guitar strings. 

            When I got home I went over to the liquor store to buy a six-pack of Creemore. 

            I weighed 89.2 kilos at 18:00. July 5 was the last evening when I was so easy on the scale. 

            I was still a day behind in my journal and worked on getting caught up but remained behind at suppertime. 

            It was too hot to use the stove so I just had a cold chicken leg with chips, salsa and skyr, plus a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 10, episode 17 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone asks Carol if her kids are interested in showbusiness. She says she’d encourage them because she’s having a good time but not until they finish school. They all did get into the business in different ways. 

            Someone asks Carol if her hair is naturally red. She pretends to avoid the question but shakes her head and shows her roots. 

            In the Mr. Tudball-Mrs. Wiggins sketch, Mr. Tudball can see through his office window that his secretary Mrs. Wiggins is just sitting at her desk and staring into space. He asks her what she’s doing and she says she’s getting ready to go to lunch. She has a date and is thinking of what restaurant he should take her. Tudball asks what happened to her husband. She says they split up a couple of weeks ago. He asks sarcastically if they argued about the theory of relativity. She says without understanding that his relatives had nothing to do with it. Tudball tells her that there are still fifteen minutes before lunch and suggests that she do some work. She says she can sharpen some pencils. The sharpener is on the wall and she moves her behind to the rhythm of turning the crank. Her date Arnold (played by Rock Hudson) arrives with flowers. She says she told him not to pick her up until noon. She tells him to stand in the corner and so he does, facing the wall like a child in school being punished. Tudball puts his hand on Wiggins’s shoulder and tells Arnold they make a nice couple. Arnold tells Tudball that if he doesn’t take his arm off her shoulder he’s going to take his arm off his shoulder. Arnold says they’re having lunch on his yacht. He owns a chain of 120 hardware stores. Wiggins says boats make her sick and she wants to have lunch at the Chili Schnitzel. Wiggins goes to get washed up and Tudball tells Arnold that he met Wiggins two years ago in the hospital when she was in for some brain tests. Wiggins is ready to go but the phone rings and it’s for her. She says “Yeah” four times and then hangs up. She orders Arnold to go and stand in the corner again. She tells Tudball that it was her husband on the phone and they are getting back together. She wants Tudball to break it to Arnold but Tudball suggests she tell him herself. She says her husband doesn’t want her to talk with strange men. Tudball tells him and then Arnold falls to his knees starts begging Wiggins not to leave him. She says “No!” and he says there’s nothing left to live for. But then an attractive woman comes into the office by mistake looking for a different business and suddenly Arnold gives her the flowers he brought for Wiggins and follows her out. 

            Steve Lawrence sings “You Take My Heart Away” by Bill Conti, Ayn Robbins, and Carol Connors from the 1976 film Rocky. 

            Carol and Rock play Linda and Steve Bradshaw, a married couple who are also news anchors. She’s mad at him and expresses it through her reading of the headlines while he responds in kind. Every line of their argument is a quote of someone in the news. He speaks of storm warnings and advises extreme caution. She says divorce rates are up because of middle aged husbands who are insecure about their masculinity. He says a study shows that women who compete for men’s jobs suffer from a loss of sex appeal. He confesses his transgression and asks for forgiveness through his reading of the headlines. She says later she’ll be hosting For Housewives Only when she’ll be discussing "Making His Guilt Your Gain". 

            Carol, Harvey, Vicki, and Tim come out in black formal wear to give what looks like a classical performance. They proceed to do the 1939 song “In The Mood” by Wingy Manone, Andy Razaf, and Joe Garland but they do it entirely in chicken voices (bahk bahk bahk), with Carol doing the lead and the others doing the harmonies. 

            Vicki and Harvey play a married couple who have arranged to meet another couple played by Carol and Steve in a restaurant. Vicki and Harvey have chosen Carol and Steve to serve as the guardians of their children in case anything should happen to them. Up until now they have avoided taking planes, trains, or even elevators together so their kids don’t lose both parents at the same time. Carol and Steve speak of how honoured they are and how much they love Vicki and Harvey’s children. But Carol presents herself as a heavy drinker and she and Steve argue over the slightest thing. Carol suggests Steve is cheating on her. Vicki and Harvey leave the table briefly and Carol and Steve discuss that they think their plan is working to scare Vicki and Harvey away from having them be guardians of their brats. Vicki and Harvey return and say they’ve made up their minds. Carol and Steve argue just as much as they do and they think that it would make their kids feel right at home to have them as guardians.

            Their musical tribute is to the songs of Jule Styne. They begin with “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” with lyrics by Stephen Sondheim from the 1959 musical Gypsy. Steve and Harvey sing “Together (Wherever We Go)” and “All I Need is the Girl” from the same musical. Harvey and Vicki sing the 1945 song “It’s Been a Long Long Time” with lyrics by Sammy Cahn. Carol and Steve sing “It’s Magic” with lyrics by Cahn from the 1947 film Romance On the High Seas. Rock sings “People” with lyrics by Bob Merrill from the 1964 musical Funny Girl. Steve sings “Comes Once in a Lifetime” with lyrics by Betty Comden and Adolph Green from the 1961 musical Subways Are for Sleeping. Carol sings “I’m Just a Little Girl from Little Rock” with lyrics by Leo Robin from the 1949 musical Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Then she sings “I’ve Heard That Song Before” with lyrics by Cahn from the 1942 film Youth On Parade. Then she sings “Small World” also from Gypsy. Then “The Second Time You Meet” with lyrics by Cahn from the 1957 musical Say Darling (except Carol changes the lyric from “We have so much in common” to “We have nothing in common”. Rock and Carol sing “You Are Woman I Am Man” with lyrics by Merrill from Funny Girl. They kiss but then Steve separates them and sings “You’re My Girl” with lyrics by Cahn from the 1947 musical High Button Shoes. But she grabs Rock and sings, “You’ll Never Get Away From Me” from Gypsy. The sing the 1941 song “I Don’t Want to Walk Without You Baby” with lyrics by Frank Loesser. Steve grabs another girl and sings, “Just in Time” with lyrics by Comden and Green from the 1956 musical Bells Are Ringing. Vicki sings to Harvey “The Party’s Over” from Bells Are Ringing. Harvey sings “Five Minutes More” with lyrics by Cahn from the 1946 film Sweetheart of Sigma Chi. Everybody sings “Bye Bye Baby” with lyrics by Leo Robin from the 1949 musical Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. 

            The Ernie Flatt Dancers always appear to be singing during chorus segments but apparently they were always lip synching to vocals by the Ken Darby Singers who were not credited. 

            Ken Darby founded The King’s Men in 1929. They performed on radio (Fibber McGee and Molly from 1940 to 1953), on records, in film (Honolulu in which they parodied The Marx Brothers musically), and later on TV. His group The Ken Darby singers can be heard on Bing Crosby’s recording of “White Christmas”. He was a writer and production supervisor for Walt Disney. He was musical and choral director for Song of the South. With lyricist Gordon Jenkins he wrote several songs, including “How the West Was Won”, “Whispering Wind”, and “Make Mine Music”. He was the main composer and lyricist for the Elvis hit “Love Me Tender”, although he was not credited. He co-scored The King and I, South Pacific, Porgy and Bess, Flower Drum Song, and Camelot. He wrote the theme song and the soundtrack for the shows The Life and Legend of Wyatt Earp and The Adventures of Jim Bowie. He was Marilyn Monroe’s vocal coach for Gentlemen Prefer Blondes and There’s No Business Like Show Business. His film scores won three Oscars and one Grammy. He wrote The Brownstone House of Nero Wolfe in 1983.

July 16, 1996: After my open stage we went to the Country Style

Thirty years ago today

            On Tuesday night as always I hosted my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage. Afterwards we might have gone for coffee at the Country Style donut shop across the street.

On Broadway

            On Monday morning I killed at least ten bedbugs on the wall above my bed, on the baseboards near my bed and on the floor near the baseboards. There are no nests in those areas and they can’t build nests on my futon because of my bedbug proof mattress cover, so I assume their nests are under the baseboards. I’ll have to steam them again soon. 

            I worked out the chords to all but the final line of the chorus of “La complainte de Bonnot” by Boris Vian. I should have the chorus done on Tuesday and that will likely complete the chord pattern for the song. 

            I memorized the first verse of “Je t’aime. Moi aussi” (I Love You. So Do I). I transcribed the chords for the first verse of “Je t’aime. Moi non plus” (I Love You. Neither Do I) and placed them on the first verse of the parody. There are only one and a half verses left to learn. 

            I weighed 89.95 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since June 30. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it went out of tune more than half the time. 

            At 13:00 I left for the UofT School of Dentistry for my quarterly cleaning. My hygienist Villy is obviously Eastern European but I never knew from where. She mentioned this time that she’s from Bulgaria because she thinks the health care is better there. From what I’ve read there are only faster wait times in Bulgaria if you pay. She also said that Bulgarians eat more vegetables than Canadians. She might be right about that. She told me that my new student periodontist is Dr. Lambert and she says I’ll like him. I was worried because I’d gotten used to Dr. Xia but then he graduated and someone new is taking over my implant. I had to pay $215 for the cleaning. My next appointment is November 16 and then it will be covered by the federal plan. 

            I weighed 89.75 kilos at 15:45. 

            I took a siesta at 16:20 and didn’t wake up until 18:20. 

            I weighed 90.75 kilos at 19:05. June 29 was the last evening when I was so hard on the scale. 

            I was a day behind on my journal and worked on getting caught up but I was still behind at suppertime. 

            It was too hot to use the stove so I just had a cold chicken leg with salsa and skyr and a glass of Winter Beard stout. My daughter bought it for me for my birthday. It has coffee in it and the foam tastes interesting but I’m not a stout person. I ate while watching season 10, episode 16 of The Carol Burnett Show.

            During the audience warmup someone asks Carol how to overcome stage fright. She says to imagine the audience as vulnerable in some way such as sitting on the toilet. 

            Someone asks Carol how she keeps her nice shape. She says she keeps it because no one else wants it. 

            Someone with a southern US accent asks Carol where the hell she ever got the idea for the Mama’s Family skit because she has some relatives that are deeply offended. Carol says Eunice is going to go on the Gong Show in a couple of weeks. She did and I guess it was part of her show and of the Gong Show. She sang “Feelings” and got gonged. 

            Someone says he thinks Carol was a lot heavier when she was on The Garry Moore Show. She tells him he must have a fat television because she was actually a lot skinnier then. 

            Carol says she’ll be doing the play Same Time Next Year with Dick Van Dyke in a few months.

            Carol and Tim play a married couple in separate beds. The phone rings and Tim answers it. He says “Hello?”, waits a moment and then hangs up. Carol asks who was it. He says he doesn’t know because they hung up. She asks why they hung up and he says they probably had the wrong number. She asks if it’s a signal. “Is what a signal?” Your friend that called.” “He’s not my friend.” “How do you know it’s a he?” “I don’t.” “Then why did you say he?” “It’s a figure of speech.” “Is that part of your plan?” “What plan?” “To confuse me.” “How would I confuse you?” “You just said it was a he when it’s really a she.” “She who?” “Don’t ask me. She’s your friend.” “There’s no she. It’s just a wrong number.” “Is she pretty?” “Who?” “Your girlfriend!” He gets up and closes the window then gets back into bed and says, “It’s just a wrong number!” “Was that a signal?” “What?” “Closing the window?” “I closed the window because I was cold!” “Why didn’t you close it before you got the phone signal?” “I wasn’t cold before I got the signal!” “So it is a signal!” He turns on the lamp and says, “There’s no signal!”, then turns it off. “Are you sure she saw that?” “What?” “The light going on and off.” “Did who see that?” “You tell me, she’s your friend!” “Martha, go to sleep! It’s 2:30!” How did you know it was 2:30?” “Because that’s what the clock says!” “Or is it because she said she was gonna call at 2:30?” “Who?” “The girl that’s waiting outside for your signals!” “Why in your wildest imagination would I mess around with another woman? You know I love you!” Martha apologizes and admits she’s jealous. He reaffirms that he loves her and says he has to get up early. When he sees she’s asleep he gets out of bed and takes off his pajamas to show he’s dressed. He heads for the door and then we hear a shotgun being cocked. Martha says, “You open that door and I’ll blow you in half!” He waves his arms at the window and then goes back to bed. 

            Carol is sitting alone on her couch looking bored. She turns on the radio and someone sings “Saturday night is the loneliest night of the week” then she switches it off. She can hear a party going on in the apartment next door. She calls up her neighbour and asks to borrow some ice and then says she’ll be right over. She goes to her bedroom and a second later comes out all dressed for a party. She is on her way with an empty ice tray when her doorbell rings and it’s her neighbour with some ice, saying he thought he’d save her the trip and gives her a bag of ice. She calls her neighbour again, this time pretending to be the operator and tells him his neighbour’s phone is out of order but there’s an emergency and she has to call her mother. She asks if she can come in and use his phone. Soon he knocks to give her the message and invites her to come over to use his phone. But suddenly her phone rings and he hears it’s no longer out of order so he goes back to his party. Someone rings her doorbell and it’s a party invitee who got the wrong door. Carol says she was invited to the party but her date canceled and she didn’t want to go alone but suggests she could go as his escort. He surprises her by stepping into her apartment and says he was just going to the party to pick someone up but since he’s met her he doesn’t have to. He grabs her and tries to make out but she punches him so hard that he lands in the hall bumping his head against her neighbour’s door. Her neighbour opens the door and welcomes him. Then Carol’s husband (played by Tim) comes out and asks her if she’s coming to bed. She turns on the TV and it’s the end of The Carol Burnett Show. When she hears Carol sing, “I’m so glad we had this time together” she smashes the screen. 

            The Ernie Flatt dancers do a ballet, the video of which sometimes slowed down, to “Nadia’s Theme” by Barry DeVorzon and Perry Botkin. It’s the theme music for the soap opera The Young and the Restless. 

            Carol comes out in a black gown followed by Harvey and Tim in coats and tails. They bow and then Carol sits at the piano while Harvey sits in a chair with a recorder and Tim sits behind a harp. Vicki comes out and stands in front of them in a black gown. They begin to play cacophonously while Vicki sings some non-melodic parody of opera. Then they all bow. 

            In the next skit Vicki answers the door and is greeted by a vacuum cleaner salesman played by Tim. She lets him come in to demonstrate the machine. As he begins his spiel he starts crying. He suddenly says, “You’re not gonna buy it!” and starts to pack up. Vicki says she wants to see the rest of the demonstration. He says she just wants him to clean her house for her but that she won’t buy one. She tells him to sit down while she tries the vacuum cleaner out on her own. He asks if it’s going to take long. She tries it and it seems to be working great. She asks how much it is. He says he doesn’t know and throws the brochure at her for her to look it up. She sees it’s $89.50 and gives him $90. He tries to hand it back because he doesn’t have any change. She says he can keep it. He says, “Big spender!” and heads for the door. She asks for a receipt but he says “So you can come after me if it breaks down? Not on your life!” She says, “Well I’m sorry!” and he says, “You should be!” and leaves. 

            The do a parody of the 1953 movie “Torch Song”, with Carol playing Joan Crawford playing Jenny Driver. She’s a Broadway star and a diva. She has one pose she’s famous for where one leg goes out to the side. She rehearses with a male dancer and warns him that if he’s not perfect he will never work again. The men dance while she poses. Meanwhile Harvey’s extremely nearsighted character Ty Crackerbee wanders into the studio. Jenny fires her dance partner and the piano player. Ty stumbles to the piano and begins to play her theme song “Torchy Lady”. She criticizes the tempo but he insists it’s better. He says just as her song says she needs a man because she’s a woman that’s what she really needs. And if a woman doesn’t have a man she’s driven to careers and fame and fortune but she’s never happy with those things because they’re masculine and if she accepts them she loses her femininity. He walks away and she goes to her dressing room where her maid (played by Vicki) is in distress. Her husband is in the hospital and they can’t pay the bill because their children are starving. Jenny says she wishes she had problems that small and relates how her house is so big it takes days to find a bathroom. Jenny looks in her scrapbook full of thousands of rave reviews and reads one that refers to her as a radiant woodnymph. Then she remembers that Ty called her that minutes ago. Now she sees that the review of her first show was written by Ty Crackerbee. She realizes he’s loved her all these years and goes after him. He hasn’t gone far because he’s still bumping into walls trying to find the exit. He asks how she can love a man who can’t read the phone book? She says she’s read it and it’s dull. She says she’ll give up the tinsel to become his woman. They sing a song called “Goodbye Broadway”. She lists all the things she’s giving up and he lists all the things she’ll be saying hello to like washing dishes and other housework. But when he starts talking about maternity clothes and diapers she drops out of the duet. Then she trips him and kicks his thick glasses away, singing “so long four eyes and hello Broadway”. 

            Theatres were the main gathering places in most towns and cities of the US in its early years. The first New York theatre in the Broadway neighbourhood was the 2000 seat Park Theatre in 1798. In 1829 Niblo’s Garden opened on Broadway and became a major night spot with both plays and concerts. The Astor Opera House opened in 1847. The lower class audiences did not mix well with the upper class attendees and riots sometimes broke out. British actors dominated New York theatre and the first US star was Edwin Forrest. The greatest British actor of his generation was William Charles Macready. Both actors had a viciously loyal fan base. Forrest’s fans tended to be working class and anti-British. On May 7, 1849 hundreds of Forrest supporters attended a Macready performance of MacBeth at the Astor and pelted him with rotten eggs. On May 10 an even bigger riot took place and 21 to 32 people were killed mostly by the police. After the riot, theatre in New York became divided along class lines: opera for the upper classes, minstrel shows for the middle class, and variety shows for the working class. The working class variety shows evolved into vaudeville. The world’s first vaudeville theatre opened on Broadway in 1881.