Mamie Van Doren

            On Thursday morning I revised my translation of verses eleven and twelve of “C’est le Bebop” by Boris Vian. 

            I worked out the chords for the instrumental intro and the first verse and a half of “Mon Légionnaire” by Raymond Asso. 

            I played my Kramer electric guitar for the last of four sessions. 

            I weighed 86.5 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning in twenty five days. 

            I had gone to bed early last night and so I had to catch up on my journal at midday. 

            I weighed 87.4 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride. East of Dufferin there were two cops walking in the middle of the Bloor bike lane. I called out “Watch your back!” but they didn’t hear. Then as I got closer I shouted “Watch out!” and one of them turned his head and jumped sideways. One would think they would train the police to be aware of their surroundings. I went to Yonge and Bloor and as soon as I was heading south I was faced with a strong wind. Even though I was going downhill there was so much resistance that it was like I was going uphill. It was the same when I started riding west and sometimes it was all I could do to maintain enough momentum to stay balanced. It was a real workout. 

            I weighed 86.2 kilos at 17:30. That’s the least I’ve tipped the scales in the evening 28 days.

            I was caught up on my journal at 18:21. 

            I finished re-reading the poem Pearl and then I wrote three stream of consciousness pages with Pearl and Kerilyn Harkaway-Krieger’s essay “Mysticism and Materiality: Pearl and the Theology of Metaphor” in mind. I transcribed the first page. 

            I had a bowl of the potato soup that I made yesterday with plantain chips and a glass of soymilk while watching season 2, episode 12 of Burke’s Law. 

            Buddy Jack Cook, a guest in a high class hotel is found shot dead in the elevator. He was a corporation raider and an influence pedlar. He was scheduled to go on trial on Monday and all the witnesses subpoenaed against him are staying at the hotel. Pepe Van Heller the manager is very annoyed by the police presence in the hotel. In Cook’s room there is a roll of cord on the coffee table and two untouched drinks. They find the business card of Harold Harold who is Cook’s accountant and is staying in the room below Cook’s. They find Harold playing with an elaborate machine with spinning wheels and bells. He says he takes it with him when he travels and has a much bigger one at home. It’s his therapy and he’s still perfecting it. Tim asks, “What does it do?” Harold says, “Do? Nothing! That’s the beauty of it! This is my rebellion against efficiency!” This has been quoted in films and on TV so many times that everyone has forgotten that it originally came from Burke’s Law. Burke asks where he was when Cook was killed. He says every day at 18:55 he takes a fifteen minute walk then he washes his hands. Burke observes that his hands are dirty. Harold says it’s from the machine but Burke says it looks more like dirt than grease. They find more cord and some peat moss. Burke digs in the flower bed on Harold’s balcony and finds a gun. Harold is arrested for murder. His prints were on the gun and nitrate was on his hands. Burke says the nitrate could have come from the peat moss. Harold says when he came back from his walk he found the gun on his floor. Then the police knocked and he panicked. Burke points out that the gun was Cook’s and asks why Harold didn’t place it beside the body. Why are his prints on the gun but not on the elevator buttons? He wouldn’t have fired the gun without gloves and then put them on to press the buttons. Burke thinks Harold was framed. Burke is on the patio trying to convince Pepe to hire Tim and Les as waiters. Clarissa Benton arrives and calls out to Burke, “Oh captain!” and he says, “Yes?” But she thinks he’s the captain of the waiters and so he plays along with a French accent. She decides to dine in her room and for Burke to serve her personally. As she is one of the suspects, Burke continues to play along. Once they are alone she comes on strong until he starts asking questions about Cook and she realizes he’s a cop. She says Cook was a con man who almost stole her corporation. Cook’s lawyer Atherton leaves the hotel every night and comes back in the same cab every morning. Tim finds out that Clarissa is Cook’s ex-wife. Burke goes to see suspect Tristram Corporal while he’s taking a dance lesson. Burke points out that he was tied up in a crooked deal with Cook and if he’d gone to trial so would he. The dialogue in this episode is horribly cliched. Burke sees Atherton at the hotel and calls to him but he runs away and escapes in a cab. Another suspect is Aurora Knight. Burke sees her enter the lounge. Tim says she only digs musicians and so Burke talks the band into playing “I Can’t Give You Anything But Love” by Dorothy Fields and he sings it to her. When he’s finished she says she knows he’s a cop. Tim is still posing as a waiter. She orders a bloody Mary and Burke asks for a blue horizon. Les says that’s water but it isn’t now. Tim forgets Aurora’s order. In the previous season Tim had a photographic memory. Burke and Aurora dance until his questions get annoying then she throws her drink and leaves. Burke bribes a cabbie to tell him where he drives Atherton every night. It’s to a bakery where Atherton bakes bread to unwind from the stress of his job as an attorney. Burke says Atherton was criminally involved with Cook. When Burke leaves the bakery he gets shot at in the alley. Whoever fired dropped the key to Cook’s room in the alley. Burke goes to Cook’s room and orders breakfast by room service. Then he calls the desk and says he is throwing a party and wants invitations sent to Tristram, Clarrisa, Atherton, and Aurora. Pepe comes in and asks what Burke is up to. He tells Pepe he knows he’s the killer and that he tried to kill him last night. The bullets they found in the alley will match the gun he’s carrying. Pepe pulls the gun. Tim and Les arrive with breakfast and hit Pepe with the door making him drop his gun. 

            Aurora was played by Mamie Van Doren, who was crowned Miss Palm Springs at the age of 18 and then was discovered by Howard Hughes. They dated for five years. She also dated Clint Eastwood. Her first film appearance was in Jet Pilot. She starred in Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women, Three Nuts in Search of a Bolt, Untamed Youth, Sex Kittens Go to College, Born Reckless, High School Confidential, The Private Lives of Adam and Eve, The Beautiful Legs of Sabrina, Vice Raid, The Blonde from Buenos Ares, The Candidate, and The Navy vs the Night Monsters. She co-starred in The Beat Generation, The Big Operator, Ain’t Misbehavin, Running Wild, Teacher’s Pet, The Las Vegas Hillbillies, You’ve Got to Be Smart, The Arizona Kid, and Yankee Pasha. She posed for Playboy twice and she’s proud to have done so. She took her first name from Mamie Eisenhower. She’s been married to Thomas Dixon since 1979. They maintain a website from which they sell Mamie Van Doren nude photos and merchandize. She wrote several autobiographies: My Naughty Naughty Life, I Swing, Playing the Field and My Wild Love Experiences. She had an affair with Buzz Aldrin and says, Any man who could make it to the moon can make it with me anytime”. She says Canada is the United States’ enlightened cousin and a lot of fun. She says Steve McQueen had an arousing reckless energy and was hard to get along with but one makes allowances for a good fuck. She says if she feels like having sex she does it anywhere whether it’s in public or not. She says a lot of films got called B movies because a woman was the star. Marlene Dietrich once made a pass at her and she regrets having turned her down. She says Doris Day was a gold plated bitch. She says, “Everyone likes to play hookers”.