Tom Patchett

            On Wednesday morning I memorized the fourth verse of L'anguille (The Eel) by Boris Vian. 

            I finished memorizing “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg and I translated most of the first verse. Tomorrow I’ll work on finishing the translation. 

            I weighed 87.85 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since April 15. 

            I played my Kramer electric for the last of two sessions and it stayed in tune. 

            I called AMI electronics to ask Oscar Moz if he could repair my stereo receiver in one day. He said he can do rush orders. I’ll take my Yamaha there on Friday. 

            I went downtown to buy candy to send to my daughter. The Bulk Mine at 655 Yonge has changed its name to Sweet Britannia. They’ve covered up the Union Jack design at the front with a pink sign but it’s all the same stuff inside. I got mostly sour stuff because that’s what I know Astrid likes but also some Eccles cakes and a few other things. I went to Ricardo’s at Eaton Centre and got a few things but mostly three cans of unusually flavoured Dr. Pepper. Astrid has been famous since high school for her love of Dr. Pepper. 

            I weighed 88.9 kilos at 15:45. That’s the same as the early afternoon of May 2. 

            I weighed 89.4 kilos at 18:15. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, two sliced souvlakis and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 6, episode 16 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup Carol says that after she did a parody of Charo, Charo’s husband Xavier Cugat sent her a painting he did and on the back there was a note from Charo expressing her admiration for her. 

            In the first skit they demonstrate how they censor themselves while writing their skits so as not to offend anyone. They remove the name Applebaum because it’s too Jewish; they remove the name Jones because the actor’s not black; they remove Vitelli because the prop man has a friend named Vitelli who’s in the hospital; so they have to remove the husband being deported to Sicily and change it to Topeka; Carol says a husband deported to Topeka sounds silly so they say make it your sister; but then they don’t want to offend any nuns; they change it to brother but that might offend monks; so they make it a dog but the boom man is a dog lover and doesn’t want to hear about dogs being deported. In the end all that’s left of the skit is “Good morning Miss Smith” and “Goodnight Mrs. Johnson”. 

            Ruth Buzzi sings about wanting to become the person she fantasizes that she really is. That person is kind of a parody of a combination of Janis Joplin and Tina Turner. 

            In the Carol and Sis sketch Carol thinks Roger is seeing another woman. She tells Chrissie about it and then goes to the bedroom to cry. Roger comes home upset because he just got into a car accident with a woman. Carol comes out to talk with him but he says he has things on his mind. She asks if it’s another woman and he says yes. She asks how it happened and he says it wasn’t his fault. She says she knows. He says “She hit me like a ton of bricks”. She asks, “Is she pretty?” and he says “I suppose so”. “Is she married?” “Yeah” “Does her husband know about it?” “I hope so” “What are you gonna do?” “The problem is do I get an attorney or settle out of court?” He goes to the bedroom to think things out before she gets here. “She’s coming here?” “Of course. We have to settle this whole affair once and for all”. The woman comes to the door and says she’d like to talk to Carol’s husband about their little accident, then she takes off her coat. Carol sees she’s pregnant and faints. 

            Carol plays a bride who will be doing the wedding march in a matter of minutes. Her father (played by Jack Gilford) comes in very nervous. He sings “I’m Calm” by Stephen Sondheim from the 1962 musical A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. He then sings “More I Cannot Wish You” by Frank Loesser from the 1950 musical Guys and Dolls. 

            In the George and Zelda sketch, George is watching a pirate movie. Zelda comes out to nag him before telling him he’ll be sleeping on the couch. He fantasizes about being a pirate captain but Zelda invades his fantasy. His men mutiny and say they’ll chain him and Zelda together, so George jumps overboard. All the other men jump in the ocean to avoid being with Zelda as well. 

            Carol sings “Love’s the Only Game in Town” by John Williams, Alan Bergman, and Marilyn Bergman from the 1972 movie Pete ‘n’ Tillie that Carol co-starred in with Walter Matthau. 

            The final skit tells the story of Snow White and the prince, fifteen years later. Snow White is a disgruntled housewife in a castle. Under her costume we see exaggeratedly sagging breasts. She looks in the magic mirror and asks how she looks. He says she’s now the 906th fairest in the land. The prince has no interest in her anymore. Snow White wishes her life could be different and then her fairy godmother appears. She’s very elderly but Snow recognizes her even though there was no fairy godmother in the Snow White story. The fairy grants her the wish of being happy ever after. There’s a knock on the door and it’s Bashful, one of the seven dwarves. She recognizes him after he grabs her and kisses her. He still thinks she’s the fairest of them all. The witch arrives with an apple and this time the prince eats it. He collapses and goes into the coma but first says how disgusted he would be if Snow White were to kiss him. Snow White goes with Bashful to live with the seven dwarves again and live happily ever after. 

            One of the writers of the Carol Burnett Show was Tom Patchett. He also wrote for The Bob Newhart Show, Buffalo Bill, and Alf (which he co-created). He wrote the screenplays for The Muppets Take Manhattan and The Great Muppet Caper. He founded the contemporary art gallery Track 16 in 1994.