Jay Tarses

            On Thursday morning I downloaded the YouTube video of Regine singing “Il est Rigolo mon gigolo” (He’s a Giggle Oh My Gigolo) by Serge Gainsbourg. I then uploaded it to Sonix to get a transcription because it felt like mine wasn’t accurate. Their transcription was quite different, probably right in places but also probably wrong in places. I copied each line and put them beside each line from the text I had. Tomorrow I’ll figure out which lines are correct. 

            I weighed 88.85 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin acoustic for song practice for the first of two sessions and it went out of tune during every song. 

            Around midday I went to the post office at the back of Vina Pharmacy and bought a postage paid box for sending my daughter her birthday treats and the rough amethyst. I also bought an envelope to send my Australian friend Audrey Morgan a copy of my book Paranoiac Utopia. 

            I weighed 90 kilos before lunch, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the early afternoon since May 3. 

            I took a siesta and got up at 16:04. I skipped brushing my teeth and immediately packed, sealed and addressed the box for Astrid in Montreal. I signed a copy of my book and put it in the envelope for Audrey. I checked online to find out which direction mail travels from Toronto to Australia. It makes sense that it travels west because there would be fewer countries to fly over on the way. I got both items to the post office on time to send them out with the last mail of the day. Astrid’s package should get to Montreal on Monday or Tuesday. Audrey’s book will take ten business days. Her birthday’s on May 21 but it probably won’t arrive until my birthday on May 26. 

            After the post office I went home to brush my teeth but by the time I was done it was too late for a bike ride. So I just rode straight to Freshco. They had cherries for $6.59 a kilo so I bought five bags. I also got a pack of raspberries, bananas, a pack of large hot Italian sausages, a pack of cheese sausages, a pack of chicken drumsticks, a large can of Full City Dark coffee, and a box of spoon sized shredded wheat. 

            I weighed 89.2 kilos at 18:20. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 20:00. 

            I tried again to digitize a cassette tape but the right channel kept dropping out. It comes back if move the receiver but then drops out again. Tomorrow I’m going to take it to AMI electronics to see if Doctor Moz can fix it. 

            I had a potato with gravy and two chicken drumsticks while watching the sixth season finale of The Carol Burnett Show. It’s a family show, meaning it only features the regular cast with no special guests. 

            They begin with a song and dance about how much they love their family tree. During the audience warmup someone asks Carol what was her favourite movie of the year. She says she liked all of the movies that were nominated but was disappointed that The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds starring Joanne Woodward and directed by Paul Newman was not nominated, and says it’s one of the best films she’s ever seen. 

            She brings Vicki Lawrence out and tells everybody about her record, “The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia” that was written by Vicki’s husband Bobby Russell. She then surprises Vicki by announcing that it sold a million copies and then presents her with a gold record. 

            A young woman named Cindy says she’s a fan of Lyle Waggoner. Lyle comes out and asks if she wants a kiss and then says that since he doesn’t know her he wants to do this right. He brings a small table, two chairs, two glasses and a bottle of wine onto the stage and then escorts Cindy up to sit down. They have a drink and then he kisses her.

            In the first skit a little girl brings two dolls into her bedroom and lays them down onto a toy bed. She says goodnight to Barbrie and Ben and then leaves the room. After the girl leaves, Barbrie and Ben, played by Carol and Harvey, come to life. She accuses him of peeking when the girl changes her outfits. Then they hear her coming back and so they return to the bed. She puts another doll in bed beside them and leaves. He introduces himself as G.I. Jack, Barbrie likes him and Ben is jealous. The girl returns with another doll she puts beside them, played by Vicki. They ask her name and they all jump away from the bed when she tells them “Betsy Wetsy”. 

            The Ernie Flatt Dancers, dressed as very colourful exaggerations of hillbillies and split into two distinctly coloured groups do a mock dance-fight to the tune of the 1954 composition “Duelling Banjos” by Arthur “Guitar Boogie” Smith and made famous by the soundtrack of the 1972 film Deliverance. 

            Vicki and Lyle play jewel thieves who have just robbed a jewellery store and the area is flooded with cops. They decide to hide in a movie theatre that is playing a film called The Danish Wife. The film however is one of those sexually explicit European movies that tend to embarrass prudish Anglo North Americans like Vickie’s character. She says she may be a thief but she does it with her clothes on. She is ready to call the police to get the theatre busted when the police enter the theatre looking for the jewel thieves. But when the cops see the scenes on the screen they are transfixed and sit down. Vickie and Lyle leave and he even gets one of the cops to pass him the satchel full of diamonds that he left by his seat. 

            Dr. Jones and Dr. Kointz, orthopaedic specialists in bones and joints have opened up a new office together. They celebrate with a drink and sing the 19th Century song “Dem Bones” by James Wheldon Johnson and James Rosamund Johnson. Then they sing specifically in praise of the elbow.

            There is a parody of the movie “Ransom Harvest” called “Rancid Harvest”. In an English hospital in 1918 there is an amnesia patient played by Harvey. The star of the local music hall, Gwendoline and her magic squeezebox comes to entertain the patients. She is however so involved in her routine at the expense of the patients that she furthers their injuries and so they all escape except for the amnesia patient. She decides to call him Peter and invites him to her cottage in the country. She falls for him and then discovers from his picture in the paper that he is the missing Sir Charles, the richest lord in London. She conceals this fact from him to keep him to herself. She tells him that he asked her to marry him and she accepts. He says he’s going to go find a justice of the peace but she says he shouldn’t go out because all amnesia victims get hit by taxi cabs. He says that only happens in bad movies but then he goes out and gets hit by a cab. He is returned to his estate where he eventually recovers and returns to his vicious and rotten personality. Gwendoline gets herself hired as his secretary but he doesn’t remember her. As she insists they are lovers he calls for help but gets hit by the door when his fiancé opens it and remembers himself as the gentle Peter again. But when his fiancé realizes what has occurred she hits him over the head again, changing him back. But then both Charles and Gwendoline get hit by the door and Peter returns but Gwendoline is gone. He tells her she has amnesia and she says, “My name is Amnesia? I’m a Greek girl!” He tells her to step outside so she can get hit by a cab and they live happily ever after. 

            As always in the season finale, the show ends with the Charwoman sweeping up on the Carol Burnett set. Trick cinematography puts several of her characters together: Zelda, Chiquita, Nora, and Alice Portnoy and they all sing together about being together. Then Carol sings the long version of her theme song, kisses the head of the same one bald guy asleep in his seat and leaves the theatre. 

            One of the writers for this episode was Jay Tarses. He went on to create the TV series The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd; and The Slap Maxwell Story. He co-created the sitcoms Open All Night, The Tony Randall Show, and Buffalo Bill. He was an executive producer of The Bob Newhart Show. He co-created, co-wrote, and co-starred in the British sitcom Revolting People. He co-starred in the sitcom The Duck Factory. He co-wrote The Great Muppet Caper and The Muppets Take Manhattan.