Darby Hinton

            On Saturday after midnight I lint-rolled the curtains between the bedroom and the living room, the top of my bed and the pillow and picked up a few of bedbugs from the curtains. The camera tripod that was holding up one end of the bedroom curtain rod fell off the shelf. I propped the rod back up with another tripod and secured the leg with carpet tape. I shook out my sheet and comforter on the deck. I went to bed at 1:30 and slept until 3:30 when I got up to pee, then slept until the 5:00 alarm. After yoga there were a couple of bedbugs stuck to the carpet tape on my mattress and a few on the walls and on the baseboards around my bed. 

            I memorized the sixth verse of “C’est ici (It’s Right Here) by Boris Vian. There is only one verse left to learn. 

            I searched online for the chords to “Yes Man” by Serge Gainsbourg even though I knew no one would have posted them. It’s a habit. I worked them out for the intro and the first note of the first line. 

            I weighed 89.95 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since October 10. 

            I got a text from my upstairs neighbour David claiming that he talked to all the other tenants and they say they don’t have bedbugs. He also claims that he no longer has bedbugs even though he was complaining about them just a few days ago. I told him I’m happy for him if he doesn’t have bedbugs but it may be just the space between the bedbugs’ hatching cycles. He’s suggested that I have bedbugs because I don’t clean my room even though he’s never seen my bedroom. This is not a housekeeping problem. The bedbugs are inside the walls. This has gotten out of hand because the landlord is extremely negligent about hiring pest control. It’s now been 2 and a half years since the last treatment.

            Around midday I rode to No Frills where there were some firm grapes for a change though not cheap. I got five bags of red grapes, three packs of blueberries, some bananas, two packs of New Zealand grass fed beef, ground in Canada, a jug of orange juice, a jug of lemonade, two containers of skyr, a bag of potato wedges, and a bag of Miss Vickie’s chips. 

            I weighed 90.55 kilos at 14:40. That’s the kindest I’ve been to the scale in the early afternoon since September 25. I had peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar on saltines with a glass of lemonade.

            I took a siesta at 15:15 and slept until 17:00. It was too late to take a bike ride. 

            I weighed 90.65 kilos at 17:20. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 18:14. 

            I digitized a cassette tape of Steve Lowe and I polishing up our performance of my songs “Angeline” and “Calendar Girl”. One can hear my then 3 or 4 year old daughter Astrid commenting that she liked the first take of “Angeline”. The next cassette I digitize will be of one of my interviews on CIUT radio.

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, potato wedges, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching episode 8 of Daniel Boone. 

            Yad is on the way to Boonesborough with some furs to sell when he is stopped by Simon Girty and his three sons. They string Yad up by his feet and make off with the furs. Boone comes along and frees him then they head for Boonesborough to stop the Girtys. 

            Simon and his boys are just about to steal all the furs from the market when Boone and Yad arrive and start fighting. The Girtys are tossed in the river. 

            Boone and Yad are heading out by canoe to Salem to sell the furs. Daniel convinces his wife Rebecca to let him take their son Israel along so he can learn some things that aren’t in schoolbooks. She’s worried about her child’s safety but gives in. After they leave she says to herself there’s no harm in being sure. 

            That night when Boone, Yad, and Israel make camp, the Girty’s arrive with rifles they’ve stolen from the Cherokee. Boone shouts for Israel to run and so he heads west with the north star at his right hand like his father taught him. When he’s exhausted he is found by Mingo who was sent by Israel’s mother to make sure everyone would be safe. Mingo and Israel go back to the camp where they find Boone and Yad staked to the ground. Their canoe has been sabotaged with a big hole but Boone patches it with birch bark and they take to the river to catch up with the Girtys who are following the longer trail. The canoe has to shoot the rapids but they make it. 

            They come ashore near the Girtys’ camp but they know that they only have one rifle to the Girtys’ four. They are near a Cherokee graveyard and Boone gets an idea to scare the Girtys and throw them off their guard. They rob the grave of a Cherokee who was buried with his war paint. Mingo is done up to look like a Cherokee ghost and scares some of the brothers while the others make spooky noises. One of the brothers on guard is knocked out. Finally they are disarmed and sent away. 

            Israel was played by Darby Hinton, who made his debut as a baby on Playhouse 90. His father died when he was 14 months old. He made his film debut at the age of 4 in Hero’s Island. When he was 6 years old his mother dropped him off to audition for The Sound of Music and then went to park the car. He was mistakenly standing in line to audion for the role of Israel in the Daniel Boone series and he got the part. He co-starred on Daniel Boone for six years. He then went to high school at the American School in Switzerland. He went to college on World Campus Afloat and went around the world three times. He then studied and performed with The Groundlings. He played Ian Griffith on Days of Our Lives. He co-starred in Goodbye Franklin High, He starred in Malibu Express. He’s been starring in The Manor at Theatre 40s in Beverly Hills for the last several years. He is a “Master Trainer” for Tony Robbins. He wrote Growing Up Israel.

November 8, 1996: I posed all day at Central Tech

Thirty years ago today 

            On Friday I posed from 9:00 to 15:00 for Michael Gerry’s classes at Central Technical School.

Frank DeKova

            On Friday after midnight I lint-rolled the curtains between the bedroom and the living room, the top of my bed and the pillow and picked up a few of bedbugs from the curtains. I shook out my sheet and comforter on the deck. I went to bed at 1:30 and slept until 3:00 when I got up to pee, then slept until 4:30 and peed again, then slept until the 5:00 alarm. After yoga there were a couple of bedbugs stuck to the carpet tape on my mattress and a few on the walls and on the baseboards around my bed. 

            I finished memorizing “Yes Man” by Serge Gainsbourg. On Saturday I’ll start working out the chords. I think it’s a pretty simple song and since it has no chorus it should be pretty easy to chord. 

            I went over to Home Hardware and bought two rolls of carpet tape. I worked on my letter to the landlord about the bedbugs. Not that I think the letter will convince him, but it’s so I can show to the authorities a dated letter containing all the facts of his negligence. 

            I weighed 91.1 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 90.8 kilos at 18:15. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 18:48. 

            I digitized a cassette of a recording session I did at Cherry Beach Studios. I went there with Tom Smarda because Rocky Capano invited us. Rocky was paying for the session with his inheritance money. He handed me some lyrics and asked me to sing them so I made up a melody on the spot. I also got to record my song “Me and Gravity” with professional musicians though it wasn’t the sound I envisioned for that song.

            I worked on digitally enhancing one of my old photos. 

            I had a potato with gravy and a chicken leg while watching episode 7 of Daniel Boone. 

            Major Peter Wellington of the British army and two Wyandot: Pushta, and Charlie Crow approach a cabin in the distance. Charlie points out Daniel Boone’s home. Peter pays him and says this must be a secret, then Pushta kills Charlie. 

            Peter walks up to the cabin and introduces himself to Boone. He says that two British soldiers have been captured by the Wyandot and he needs his help to rescue them. Boone agrees for humanitarian reasons. 

            They walk together into Wyandot territory and when they reach the cliff that overlooks the Wyandot village, Peter knocks Boone out. He takes Boone’s clothing and then rolls Boone off the cliff into the water. 

            Peter puts on Boone’s clothes and walks into the Wyandot village announcing that he is Daniel Boone (But when he was walking with Boone he was visibly smaller so it’s very unlikely his clothes would fit as well as what he’s wearing fits). He tells Chief Talakum that he is Daniel Boone and what he’s heard about Boone fighting for the colonies against the British is false. He offers a rifle for every Wyandot who takes the British side in the colonial war. 

            When Talakum is not there Peter pays Pushta for helping him. 

            But then they hear a commotion outside and look to see Daniel Boone wearing Major Wellington’s jacket and walking into the village. He says he’s Daniel Boone. 

            Talakum has the two white men compete in a trial of fire. They have a tug of war on each side of a bonfire. Each one almost pulls the other into the fire but then the fire finally cuts through the rope. Then they have a knife fight with one knife and Boone wins but doesn’t kill him. Then they have a marksmanship contest and Boone wins as well. 

            Talakum is convinced and now wants to kill Peter, but by this time Boone’s friends Mingo and Tad have arrived and they help to convince Talakum to let them take Peter with them. They take him to the cliff and tell him to jump, so he does. 

            Later Peter sends his sword as a gift to Boone’s son Israel and Peter is now a corporal. 

            Talakum was played by Frank DeKova, who gave up his career as a school teacher to become an actor. He made his Broadway debut in Detective Story and was discovered by Elia Kazan. He made his film debut in Viva Zapata in 1952. He co-starred in The Mechanic, and Heavy Traffic. He co-starred in 63 episodes of F-Troop.

November 7, 1996: I posed for Michael Gerry's class at Central Tech

Thirty years ago today

            On Thursday I posed from 9:00 to 11:45 for Michael Garry’s class at Central Technical School.

Émile Genest

            On Thursday after midnight I put down more carpet tape on the edges of my mattress where it had gotten less sticky but ran out of tape, so I’ll need to go back to the hardware store soon. I lint-rolled the curtains between the bedroom and the living room, the top of my bed and the pillow and picked up a few of bedbugs from the curtains. I didn’t shake out my sheet and comforter on the deck because it was raining. I went to bed at 1:45 and slept until the 5:00 alarm. After yoga there were a few bedbugs on the walls and on the baseboards around my bed. 

            I memorized the fifth verse of “Yes Man” by Serge Gainsbourg and finished revising my translation. There’s just one verse left to learn and I should have that done on Friday. Then I’ll start working out the chords. 

            I weighed 90.1 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since October 10. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio for the last of two sessions and it stayed in tune most of the time. 

            I started working on a letter to my landlord demanding action to eliminate the bedbugs. 

            I weighed 91.45 kilos before lunch. 

            I took a siesta but slept 45 minutes longer than planned. It was too late for a bike ride but I still rode to Freshco. I was prepared to do a price match on grapes to the Food Basics price of $4.15 a kilo but all of Freshco’s grapes were too mushy. I got three packs of blueberries, some bananas, a container of skyr, two packs of Full City Dark coffee, some shaving gel, and a lint roller. 

            I weighed 91.1 kilos at 17:55. 

            I had a potato with gravy and a chicken leg while watching episode 6 of Daniel Boone. 

            A pioneer father, mother and daughter are on their way down river in a barge to Boonesborough when a man on shore named Lac Duquesne asks for a lift. But when they steer ashore to pick him up his pirate band emerges from the bushes and hijacks their boat. The family is put ashore where they are found by Mingo and escorted to Boonesborough. 

            When Lac first came from France he saved Boone’s life and they were friends but now Lac has turned criminal. 

            It turns out that 50 rifles they have been expecting at Boonesborough were shipped on that river raft and now Lac has them. He plans on selling them to the Shawnee and so Boone, Tad, and Mingo go after him. 

            They catch up with him when he makes camp but Lac has more men in hiding and they are able to capture Boone and his friends. They take them prisoner on the boat and then set them free in Shawnee country where their chances of survival are slim. 

            They follow the boat to where Lac meets with the Shawnee chief. They find where the rifles and gunpowder are stored and take some. Boone sabotages Lac’s armoury by running a trail of gunpowder to the cache. They recapture Lac and force him to help move the rifles back to the boat. Boone arrests Lac and makes him come on the boat but the Shawnee are following. Lac warns that they will follow all the way back to Boonesborough so Boone decides to let Lac go as they take the rifles back to the fort.

            Lac Duquesne was played by Canadian actor Émile Genest, who served in the Royal Canadian Navy during WWII. He became a bilingual sportscaster for CBC Radio. He co-starred in the CBC radio drama La Famille Plouffe and reprised his role in the TV series. He co-starred in Nikki Wild Dog of the North, and Big Red. He starred in The Incredible Journey, and a four hour film update of La Famille Plouffe.

November 6, 1996: It was my first nine hour day of work this fall

Thirty years ago today 

            On Wednesday I posed at Central Technical School from 9:00 to 15:00, then I immediately went down to the Ontario College of Art to work from 16:00 to 19:00. It was my first nine hour day this school year.

Kathryn Hahn

            On Wednesday after midnight I lint-rolled the curtains between the bedroom and the living room, the top of my bed and the pillow and picked up a few of bedbugs from the curtains and a couple from the bed. I shook out my sheet and comforter on the deck. I turned the heat on before going to bed at 1:30. I slept until almost 3:00 when I got up to pee then I slept until the 5:00 alarm. After yoga there were no bedbugs on the walls or on the baseboards around my bed. 

            I memorized the fourth verse of “Yes Man” by Serge Gainsbourg and revised my translation of all but the last line. There are two verses left. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time. 

            I weighed 90.9 kilos before lunch, which is the lightest I’ve been in the early afternoon since October 13. I had peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar on saltines with a glass of lemonade. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride but it started raining and so I only went as far as Bathurst and Bloor. It stopped raining while I was going south on Bathurst but it started again when I was almost home. 

            I weighed 90.55 kilos at 18:00. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 18:38. 

            I digitized a cassette recording of a rehearsal of my songs “Spool of the Moon” and “Snow on a Poppy” with Steve Lowe. We spent a lot of time on “Snow On a Poppy” because it was hard to communicate with just my voice how I wanted the song played on guitar. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with Marinara, tomato pesto, potato wedges, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore while watching the first episode of Wanda Vision with my daughter Astrid on Discord. 

            The first episode is styled like a 50s sitcom other than the fact that Wanda is a witch and Vision is an android who can pass through walls. In many ways it’s like the 60s sitcom Bewitched. The opening segment has them in their wedding clothes arriving at their new house in Westview, New Jersey. Vision tries to carry Wanda over the threshold but he walks through the wall and she hits it and falls on the outside. 

            Like any 50s sitcom housewife Wanda doesn’t work. She offers Vision a big breakfast even though he doesn’t eat. They notice on the calendar that today’s date has a heart on it but neither wants to admit to the other that they don’t know what it signifies. 

            Vision goes to work at Computational Services where he is known as “Vision” but no one knows he’s a super powered android even though he works at super speed. He is exceptionally proficient at his job although he has no idea what his company does and neither does anyone else. He learns that the heart on his calendar is there because he has invited his boss Mr. Hart and his wife home for dinner.

            Meanwhile Wanda’s neighbour Agnes comes to welcome Wanda to the neighbourhood. She helps her conclude that the heart on the calendar means it’s hers and Visions anniversary although they don’t seem to remember when they got married. Agnes gives Wanda some anniversary hints and so when he comes home with his boss and his boss’s wife she comes out in her night gown. Vision fumbles an explanation that Wanda’s dress and behaviour is Sokovian as she’s from Europe. Mrs. Hart finds it exotic. 

            When Wanda realizes she now needs to cook dinner for four, Agnes shows up through the kitchen back door with raw ingredients. Wanda pushes Agnes out and begins to magically float ingredients and utensils around the room. Wanda doesn’t seem to have full control over her powers as she burns a chicken, tries to correct that and turns it into a basket of eggs. The lobsters escape and the steak fails and so Wanda instantaneously serves breakfast for dinner. 

            Hart begins asking questions about their past but they are silent and so he gets frustrated with them and begins choking on his food. After Hart collapses Vision uses his powers to reach inside of Hart and pull out the obstruction. The Harts leave happy. Wanda and Vision decide to make this date their anniversary. 

            We see them from the point of view of someone watching Wanda Vision on TV and taking notes.

            The second episode is still in black and white and set in the 60s. 

            Wanda and Vision are sleeping in twin beds when they hear noises outside the house but are too frightened to investigate. After the noises go away Wanda magically makes the two beds into one. 

            The next day they rehearse their magic act for a neighbourhood talent show with Vision as the magician and Wanda as his lovely assistant. 

            Vision goes to a neighbourhood watch meeting. After Wanda kisses him goodbye she sees a red toy helicopter on the hedge. It’s the only colour we or she has seen in this black and white world. 

            She runs into her neighbour Agnes who takes her to a planning committee meeting at the home of Dottie Jones who is the dominant personality of the neighbourhood, kind of like an adult Mean Girl.

            At the neighbourhood watch meeting Vision is offered a piece of gum which he accidentally swallows, gumming up his inner android mechanisms. It causes him to behave as if he is drunk. 

            After the planning committee meeting Dottie’s radio suddenly asks Wanda who is behind her situation. Dottie’s wine glass breaks and we see red blood on her black and white hand. 

            As Vision arrives to perform the magic act with Wanda he is too stoned by the gum in his works to not use his powers and so Wanda has to secretly use magic to cover up his powers and make it appear like they are tricks. Such as when Vision starts to fly she conjures up cables attached to him. Their act is a big hit with the neighbours. Wanda uses magic to detect the gum in Vision’s body and remove it.

            When Wanda and Vision get home they discover that she is suddenly pregnant. They hear noises outside and see a beekeeper climbing out of the sewer cover outside their house. Disturbed by this Wanda rewinds the story to before they heard the noise. Suddenly their world becomes a 70s colour sitcom. 

            Agnes is played by Kathryn Hahn, who earned a bachelors degree in Theatre from Northwestern University. She then studied at the Yale School of Drama. She made her TV debut on the children’s puppet show Hickory Hideout. She made her film debut in Flushed in 1999. She was noticed by an NBC casting director while performing at the Williamstown Theatre Festival and the character of Lily in the TV series Crossing Jordon was created for her. She appeared in all but two episodes of the series. She appeared in 10 episodes of Parks and Recreation, She co-starred in the series Transparent, I Love Dick, Happyish, Wanda Vision, The Studio, The Shrink Next Door, She starred in the series Mrs. Fletcher, Agatha All Along (for which she won an Emmy Award), Tiny Beautiful Things, She starred in Afternoon Delight, Private Life, She co-starred in The Last Mimzy, Revolutionary Road, The Goods, Wanderlust, Len and Company, The Do Over, Flower, We’re the Millers, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Bad Words, This is Where I Leave You, Tomorrowland, The Visit, She’s Funny That Way, Captain Fantastic, Glass Onion, Bad Moms, A Bad Moms Christmas, Hotel Transylvania 4, Into the Spiderverse, and Fixed. She made her Broadway debut in Boeing Boeing in 2008.

November 5, 1996: Our featured writer was Hamish MacFarlane

(drawing by Rob McPhail)

Thirty years ago today 

            On Tuesday I posed from 9:00 to 11:45 at Central Technical School. In the evening, as always, I hosted my Orgasmic Alphabet Orgy writers open stage in the Art Bar of the Gladstone Hotel. Our feature on this night was novelist and short story writer, Hamish MacFarlane. Hamish had this enigmatic smile that was non-distinguishable from that of the Mona Lisa. He also had a tendency to play coy whenever anyone asked him personal questions, like when Cad kept on asking him if he was gay even though he wasn’t.

David Brian

            On Tuesday after midnight I put down fresh carpet tape on the edges of my mattress where it had gotten less sticky. I lint-rolled the curtains between the bedroom and the living room, the top of my bed and the pillow and picked up a couple of bedbugs from the curtains. I shook out my sheet and comforter on the deck. I turned the heat on before going to bed at 1:30. I slept until almost 3:00 when I got up to pee and turned the heat off. I slept until 4:00 and got up to pee again, then I slept until the 5:00 alarm. After yoga there were a lot of bedbugs on the walls and on the baseboards around my bed. 

            I memorized the fifth verse of “C’est ici (It’s Right Here) by Boris Vian. There are only two and a half verses left to learn. 

            I wasn’t quite able to nail down the fourth verse of “Yes Man” by Serge Gainsbourg but I should have it in my head on Wednesday. 

            I weighed 90.2 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since October 21. 

            I played my Martin during song practice for the last of two sessions and it went out of tune all the time. 

            I called Toronto City Bylaw Officer Jamal Logan and finally got through. He says he’s yet to reach my landlord. I pointed out that the landlord is way past the thirty days he was given to comply with the order to treat my place for bedbugs. He surprised me by saying that the invoice the landlord sent him from Orkin saying they were in the building knocking on doors on a certain date may fit the compliance requirement, in which case he would close the file. That’s pretty fucked up since the landlord is legally required to give tenants notice before pest control comes and Orkin was only in the building for 14 minutes. Neither myself or David in unit 7 heard any knock on the door. Jamal said if it is determined that the landlord isn’t complying it’s a long process before he would be fined and it could take up to a year. I’ve obviously got to find an alternative to going through the bylaw officer. He told me what he would do in my position is just hire pest control myself and then bill the landlord. He must make a lot of money. He’d mentioned Rent Safe but I looked it up and it’s only for buildings with ten or more units while mine only has 7. The only other option may be to file a complaint with the Landlord-Tenant Board. I emailed Parkdale Legal to make an appointment to get some advice on how to proceed.

            I weighed 91 kilos before lunch. That’s the kindest I’ve been to the scale in the early afternoon since October 13. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and on the way back stopped at Freshco where I bought four bags of red grapes and one bag of green grapes and price matched them to the Real Canadian Superstore price of $4.14 a kilo.

            I weighed 90.35 kilos at 18:25. July 15 was the last evening when I was that light. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 19:52. 

            I digitized a cassette recording of Tom Smarda and I rehearsing several of my songs, for some of which I don’t think there are other recordings. I’m pretty sure that it wasn’t recorded on my little tape machine so maybe we did it at Tom’s place at the time near Coxwell and Queen. The next cassette I digitize will be of a rehearsal of my songs with just Steve Lowe. 

            I grilled four chicken legs and had one with a potato and gravy while watching episode 5 of Daniel Boone. 

            Boone takes his daughter Jemima on a camping trip to show her the land he’s set aside for her when she grows up and gets married. But while marking a tree his hatchet slips and he severely wounds his leg. She goes out with his rifle and kills a bear for food and for fat to put on the wound. But when she gets back the wound has become infected. Jemima has to build up the courage to cut the infection out of his leg. 

            Meanwhile back near Fort Boonesborough Tad and Mingo find the tracks of a man’s military boots and they go to the fort to tell Boone. But they find only Rebecca and Israel. Rebecca is worried because Daniel and their daughter are overdue. She begs Tad and Mingo to look for them. 

            Boone still can’t travel because of his injury. Then a man walks into their camp and Jemima is happy because she thinks he can help. But it turns out he is Major Horton, a British officer there to recruit the 5 nations to fight for the British when the colonial war comes. He is accompanied by Tice Fowler, a disreputable man to serve as an interpreter and a handful of Wyandot. Horton says his mission is a secret and he can’t leave any witnesses. Boone is clubbed with a rifle and left to die while they take Jemima who Horton intends to drop her off at Fort Detroit. But the Wyandot warriors have other ideas for Jemima. Horton tries to defend her but is stabbed. 

            Boone makes a splint for his leg and uses another stick for a cane and heads after his daughter. His canoe has been sabotaged and so he enters the river and floats while clinging to a log. The kidnappers have gone down river but overland and so he takes the shorter route by going through the rapids and over the falls. he reaches their camp and begins to pick off the Wyandot by hand. Jemima gets hold of a fallen pistol and points it at Fowler but he knocks it away. Horton however is still alive enough to shoot him before dying. One last Wyandot is aiming at Boone when Mingo shoots him.

            Horton was played by David Brian, who entered show business as a song and dance man on vaudeville and in night clubs. He made his film debut in Flamingo Road in 1949. He starred in Intruder in the Dust, The Great Jewel Robber, Inside Straight, Fury at Gunsight Pass, Accused of Murder, The White Squaw, and Ghost of the China Sea. He co-starred in The Damned Don’t Cry, Beyond the Forest, This Woman is Dangerous, Springfield Rifle, Dawn at Socorro, Inside the Walls of Folsom Prison, Million Dollar Mermaid, A Perilous Journey, Ambush at Tomahawk Gap, Timberjack, No Place to Hide, Castle of Evil, The Destructors, and Childish Things. He starred in the radio series Mr. District Attorney and then reprised his role in the TV series.

November 4, 1996: I posed for Central Tech

Thirty years ago today 

            On Monday I posed from 9:00 to 11:45 for Michael Garry’s class at Central Technical School.

Donald Losby

            On Monday after midnight I woke up and realized I’d been sleeping while sitting at my computer. I got ready for bed. I reset my alarm clock to the time change. I lint-rolled the curtains between the bedroom and the living room and picked up a few bedbugs. I turned the heat on before going to bed at 1:30. I slept until 3:30, got up to pee and turned the heat off, then I went back to sleep until the alarm went off at 5:00. After yoga I searched for bedbugs and found a few stuck to the carpet tape on my mattress and a few crawling freely around the baseboards. 

            I memorized the third verse of “Yes Man” by Serge Gainsbourg and revised my translation of verses 2 and 3. That’s half the song. 

            I weighed 90.75 kilos before breakfast.  

            I played my Martin during song practice for the first of two sessions and it went out of tune all the time. 

            I tried several times to reach the City of Toronto Bylaw Officer Jamal Logan but it always went to voice mail. 

            I weighed 91.95 kilos before lunch, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the early afternoon since October 19. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 91.15 kilos at 18:05. 

            I had a potato with gravy and my last piece of roast beef while watching the fourth episode of Daniel Boone. 

            Boone and Yad are finding that someone’s been stealing the beavers from their traps. Yad catches a boy in the act but gets bitten and the thief escapes. They track him to a makeshift shelter in Shawnee territory. 

            Yad gets his hat blown off and a woman with a rifle warns him away. Two of her three children are ready to club Yad while Boone comes up behind her. 

            She’s a widow but says she can take care of her family. She’s warned that even if she can fight off the Shawnee she won’t survive the winter without a proper cabin. Boone invites her to winter back in Fort Boonesborough. She asks if there are bailiffs there and he says no, so she reluctantly agrees. They give her the cabin abandoned by a family that left for Pennsylvania. 

            Zerelda Fluellen is suspicious of her neighbours and worries that Mr. Greenbriar is a bailiff. Her oldest son Rhys is curious and asks Greenbriar if he’s a bailiff. He says he’s a cooper. Rhys is fascinated by Greenbriar’s telescope and when he picks it up Greenbriar thinks he’s stealing it and in fear Rhys runs away with it. Thinking that he is going to be killed Rhys leaves the fort and is cold and frightened in the woods at night. 

            He is attacked by Shawnee but saved by the half Cherokee Mingo and taken to his camp. Boone finds him there. Mingo says he can stay with him if he wants but Boone convinces him to come back.

            Greenbriar lets Rhys keep the telescope, carves a doll for Rachel and provides a spinning wheel and a rocking chair. They have a community feast and the Fluellens are starting to feel at home. But then two bailiffs arrive from Salem with a warrant for Zerelda and Rhys’s arrest. 

            Zerelda’s husband had borrowed 700 pounds for their trip from Wales to the colonies but had died on the trip. The debt was transferred to Rhys even though he is 12. He might have to serve as an indentured slave until the debt is paid off. 

            Zerelda escapes with her children but she is injured when they try to shoot the rapids. She seems to be dying but Greenbriar asks her to marry him because if the children change their name to Greenbriar they will be free of the Fluellen debt. Zerelda agrees and Boone as the magistrate for Boonesborough has the power to marry them. We don’t see her die so I guess we can imagine whatever outcome we want.

             Rhys was played by Donald Losby, who had some success as a child actor but not as an adult and so he retired from acting in 1971. He made his film debut in Raintree County in 1957 at the age of 6. He played a young Hank Williams in You’re Cheatin Heart in 1964. He guest starred on the Lost In Space episode Return from Outer Space in 1965. 

             The old Polish guy who wears a swastika and goes around shouting “Opa!” and “Corva!” got arrested. I guess he caused a disturbance in the Pope yes restaurant downstairs. There were six cop cars ganging up on one crazy old man. I think they eventually let him go. One of the cops sarcastically said, “I love Parkdale!” Cops who don’t live in or at least really try to understand Parkdale shouldn’t be allowed to make arrests there.

November 3, 1996: My daughter and I played Doom

Thirty years ago today

            On Sunday my daughter and I played video games and played on the back roof until in the evening when I took her back to her mother’s place in Scarborough.

Ed Ames

            On Sunday after midnight I put down fresh carpet tape on the edges of my mattress where it had gotten less sticky. I lint-rolled the curtains between the bedroom and the living room, the top of my bed and the pillow and picked up a few bedbugs from the curtains. I shook out my sheet and comforter on the deck. I turned the heat on before going to bed at 1:30. I slept until the alarm went off, limped to the bathroom to pee and wash, stumbled back to the living room to dress for yoga but then looked at my computer and realized that once again I’d forgotten to turn my alarm clock back and it was 4:00. So I went back to bed for another hour. After yoga I searched for bedbugs and found one stuck to the carpet tape but more crawling freely around the baseboards. 

            I memorized the second verse of “Yes Man” by Serge Gainsbourg. 

            I weighed 90.95 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Kramer during song practice and it stayed in tune most of the time. 

            I lint-rolled the curtains between the bedroom and the living room and pick up a few bedbugs. They used to climb the wall at the head of my bed after feeding on me but now they like the curtains. 

            I weighed 91.55 kilos before lunch. I had peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar on saltines with a glass of lemonade. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and on the way back stopped at the No Frills at John and Richmond. I hate that store because it’s crowded and the aisles are narrow and people are always bumping into you. Also whenever I go there looking for something I forgot at my regular No Frills, they don’t have it. I thought for sure they would have PC skyr but they didn’t. I had to buy Siggis skyr, which is not as good. If I’d known I was going to have to settle for Siggis I would have just gone to Freshco in my neighbourhood. There was an extremely long lineup so it took at least 15 minutes. I decided to try the automatic teller but it wouldn’t take cash and I couldn’t see where to put my debit card until I got help. I feel sorry for the condomagnon cave dwellers who have to use that store on a regular basis. 

            I weighed 90.9 kilos at 18:25. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 19:15. I digitized a cassette recording of a rehearsal of Christian and the Lions with Tom Smarda, Steve Lowe, and Mike Martin. We did “Charm and Money”, “Fallen Angels”, an early version of “Angeline”, and “Seven Shades of Blues”. Mike kept annoyingly banging his bongos at the same speed no matter what we were doing. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, potato wedges, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching episode 3 of Daniel Boone. 

            Yadkin is trading with some Cherokee when Mingo appears. Then Creek warriors ambush and kill the Cherokee, then Mingo shoots Yad. 

            Daniel Boone and his son Israel are fishing when they find the unconscious and wounded Yad floating in the water. They take him back to the court and when he is conscious he says that Mingo shot him. Most of the citizens of Boonesborough are ready to lynch Mingo but Boone wants to talk with him. Israel says it couldn’t have been Mingo. 

            While Boone is searching for Mingo he comes across a burned down Cherokee village that only holds one weeping old woman. She tells him the one that carries a whip led the attack. 

            Boone finds Mingo and brings him back to the fort. Mingo asks Yad if he still thinks he shot him and Yad says it was either you or your ghost. Mingo seems to recognize something in that statements and repeats, “A ghost?” The men want to hang Mingo but Boone says to let the magistrate in Salem settle it. Four walls and an iron door don’t appeal to Mingo so he escapes. 

            Boone once again tracks him but he is ambushed by Cherokee. He wakes up tied up and in the presence of the Cherokee Chief Matawa. He says Creek warriors led by Mingo raided a Cherokee village and since he is Mingo’s friend maybe he helped him. Boone says Mingo is now his enemy he will prove he’s not lying with the Cherokee fire test. Boone holds his hand over the fire and his face doesn’t change (His hand sure would if he really did it but there’s no such thing as the Cherokee fire test). They let Boone go and he tracks Mingo again. He comes upon a campfire at night and a bullwhip lashes out to wrap around his face then pulls him down to knock him out. Mingo takes Boone’s gun and leaves. 

            Later Mingo is at a campfire with some Creek warriors. But Caramingo sneaks up on the camp and confronts his twin brother Taramingo. It’s been three years since Caramingo put Taramingo in a grave thinking he was dead but he wasn’t and now he’s come back to kill Mingo. They fight and it looks like Mingo lost because Boone finds him staked to the ground and being circled above by vultures. Boone frees him and Mingo tells him the truth about his brother. Boone goes after Taramingo though Mingo says he’s his to kill but he’s too weak to follow. 

            Boone finds Taramingo and three Creek warriors travelling and knocks out the last one, then takes his whip. There sure are a lot of First Nations people with whips in this show considering how it’s not a traditional weapon. Boone knocks out the next last Creek, is seen and runs away from gunfire. Boone shoots the last Creek. Boone and Taramingo have a whip duel. I guess Mingo has been giving him lessons. The fight goes to the top of some rocks and Taramingo knocks Boone on his back. Then he picks up a large rock and is about to kill Boone when Mingo shoots and kills him. 

            Back at the Fort Daniel asks Israel why he was so sure Mingo didn’t shoot Yadkin. He says if Mingo had shot Yadkin then Yadkin would be dead. 

            Mingo is played by Ed Ames who began his entertainment career as a member of The Ames Brothers. They wone several amateur contests and made their professional debut at the Boston nightclub Foxes and Hounds. They became very popular on the nightclub circuit in the east and west. They had a #1 hit in 1950 with the proto rock and roll song “Rag Mop”. They had a #3 hit in 1954 with “The Naughty Lady of Shady Lane”. As a solo singer he had four top 20 hits: “Try to Remember” and “Time Time” in 1966; “My Cup Runneth Over” in 1967; and “Who Will Answer?” in 1968. His song “When the Snow is on the Roses” was #1 on the Easy Listening chart in 1967. The same year his cover of Buffy St. Marie’s “Timeless Love” reached #2. He studied acting at the Herbert Berghof School. He played The Chief in the Broadway production of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. This led to him being cast as Mingo on Daniel Boone. While demonstrating his tomahawk throwing skills on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, the outline of a cowboy was set up across the room. Ed hit the cowboy square in the groin, causing Johnny to comment, “Welcome to Frontier Bris! I didn’t know you were Jewish!”, which got one of the biggest laughs in the history of the show. In the 1970s he went back to school and earned a BA in Theatre and Cinema Arts. He was a secular Jew but became president of the Zionist Organization of America. He was part owner of the Phoenix Suns basketball team.

November 2, 1996: It snowed a little

Thirty years ago today

            On Saturday my daughter and I started our weekend together. It actually snowed a little bit so there might have been enough on the back roof of my place to make snowballs.

Fess Parker

            On Saturday after midnight I lint-rolled the curtains between the bedroom and the living room, the top of my bed and the pillow and picked up quite a few bedbugs from the curtains. I shook out my sheet and comforter on the deck. I turned the heat on before going to bed at 1:30. I woke up around 3:00 to pee and turned the heat off, then went back to sleep until 5:00. 

            I finished sorting out the text I had for “Yes Man” by Serge Gainsbourg with the transcript I downloaded from Turboscribe and with the transcript that accompanies the YouTube video for the album Bobino by Zizi Jeanmaire. AI is pretty naïve about sexual symbolism and doesn’t always get what’s being conveyed. I fed this last sentence to AI and it agrees with me on that subject. I memorized and translated the first verse of “Yes Man”. 

            I weighed 90.4 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune a little more than half the time. 

            Around midday I went to Freedom Mobile to pay for my November phone plan. I had to wait at least twenty minutes because some guy was buying a new phone. 

            I went to Vina pharmacy to pick up my Metro Gel prescription. 

            I rode to No Frills where only one bag of grapes was firm enough to buy. I also got two packs of raspberries, two packs of blueberries, two bags of oranges, some bananas, an apple-cinnamon pie, a whole chicken, lemon dish detergent, a pack of toilet paper, a jug of lemonade, and a jug of orange juice. I forgot to buy skyr so I’ll have to pick some up the next time I pass a No Frills. I probably have enough to last until Monday. 

            I weighed 91.05 kilos at 14:50, which is the lightest I’ve been in the early afternoon since October 21. I had peanut butter and five-year-old cheddar on saltines with a glass of lemonade.

            I took a siesta at 15:30 and got up at 17:00, too late for a bike ride. 

            I weighed 91.6 kilos at 17:25. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 19:31. 

            I digitized a cassette recording of a Christian and the Lions rehearsal with Steve Lowe and Arjan. We did “Megaphor”, “Me and Gravity”, “Instructions for Electroshock Therapy”, and “Thin Red Line”. These songs were all new to the band. Steve was teaching Arjan how to play bass. The last time I tried to digitize this session the sound was coming from the speakers but there was no waveform in Audacity so I had to put a microphone against the speaker and turn up the volume. Since I got my cable problems worked out everything came through, except that there’s a bit of a hum. Tomorrow I’ll try the noise reduction effect to hear if I can make it sound better. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with marinara, tomato pesto, potato wedges, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore lager while watching episode 2 of Daniel Boone. 

            A young Cherokee woman named Tekawitha (though it’s a Mohawk name meaning “She who organizes things”, but all the First Nations cultures are somewhat mashed together on this show) comes to shore in a canoe. She is assaulted and captured by a nasty trapper named Flathead Joseph. 

            He takes her to Fort Boonesborough to sell her as a slave. Boone tells him, “We don’t deal in the slave buying trade” but that’s absolute horseshit. Fort Boonesborough was built by slaves and they played a major role in defending it. The very first baby born at the fort was the child of a slave. Joseph is paid off with some rum and gunpowder then he leaves. 

            It turns out that Tekawitha is white but she is culturally Cherokee, having been raised as a daughter to the chief Menawa. Tekawitha is hostile towards the settlers but she has been abused by Flathead and she collapses. There is a locket around Tekawitha’s neck with the name Ruth McCleod and it turns out that she was an old flame of Boone’s before he met Rebecca. Boone left there and Ruth married and had a child. But the settlement was raided by Tuscarora and the baby girl was taken to be a slave but when they crossed Cherokee territory on their way home they were killed and Tekawitha was raised as the daughter of Menawa. Now the Cherokee want her back. 

            Boone goes to the Cherokee village and walks in singing “Sing Song Kitty”. He tells Menawa that Tekawitha is with her own people now and he can’t have her back. This means war. 

            Tekawitha is adjusting to living at the fort. 

            Later Boone puts Israel to sleep by singing “The Farmyard Song”. 

            The Cherokee gather outside the fort to attack and the settlers are ready for a fight. The Cherokee charge and Boone says to wait until he fires but Tekawitha opens the gates and runs out to embrace her adopted father Menawa. Boone tries to argue that she should be with white people but she tells him he is trying to hang on to the memory of Ruth McLeod through her. So he lets her go. Rebecca comes out and quotes for Daniel a line from the Book of Ruth, which is the story of a Moabite woman who chose to become an Israelite. 

            Tekawitha was played by Lynn Loring who went on to become president of MGM and United Artists Television Productions. 

            Daniel Boone was played by Fess Parker who studied drama in his 20s. He took dance lessons from Buddy Ebsen in exchange for guitar lessons. He made his film debut in Springfield Rifle in 1952. Walt Disney saw him in the 1954 science fiction film Them and cast him as Davy Crocket. He co-starred in Old Yeller, Thunder Over the Plains, The Hangman, The Jayhawkers, and Hell is for Heroes. He starred in The Great Locomotive Chase, Westward Ho the Wagons, The Light in the Forest, and Smoky. He starred in the sitcom Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. He starred as Daniel Boone for 6 years and then went into real estate. He owned an ocean front resort in Santa Barbara, an inn in Los Olivos, and an award winning winery that appeared under a fictional name in the movie Sideways.

November 1, 1996: I was now legally "Christian Christian"

Thirty years ago today 

            On Friday my name change came through from the government and so now I was legally “Christian Christian”. The Mexican stripper came over to my place. It was weird seeing her out of uniform and in very modest clothing. She seemed uncomfortable being alone with me at my place so I just took her to the government agency to help her inquire about taking courses here. I don’t even know how it turned out as we didn’t really keep in touch. I went to see her one more time at the Club Paradise but it wasn’t as much of a turn-on now that I’d seen her vulnerable in the world.

Patricia Blair

            On Friday after midnight I put fresh carpet tape on the edges of my mattress where it had gotten less sticky. I lint-rolled the curtains between the bedroom and the living room, the top of my bed and the pillow and picked up a few bedbugs from the curtains. I didn’t shake out my sheet and comforter on the deck because it was still wet from the rain. I turned the heat on before going to bed at 1:30. I woke up around 3:30 to pee and turned the heat off, then went back to sleep until 5:00. 

            I memorized the fourth verse of “C’est ici (It’s Right Here) by Boris Vian. That’s about half the song. 

            I continued to sort out the text I had for “Yes Man” by Serge Gainsbourg with the transcript I downloaded from Turboscribe and with the transcript that accompanies the YouTube video for the album Bobino by Zizi Jeanmaire. YouTube transcripts are almost always nonsensical. As far as I can tell the guy in question is a “Yes” man for the singer because he has a big penis and so when I’m not sure of a possible translation I steer it in that direction. 

            I weighed 90.8 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin during song practice for the last of four sessions and it went out of tune all the time. 

            I weighed 91.3 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 91.15 kilos at 18:00. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 19:32. 

            I digitized a cassette tape recording of several of my performances on the Fat Albert’s open stage mostly with some iteration of Christian and the Lions but a couple just acapella. 

            I had a potato with gravy and a slice of roast beef while watching the first episode of Daniel Boone. I don’t think I ever saw this series. I got it confused with Davy Crocket, which also starred Fess Parker. Davy Crocket was ten years before Daniel Boone and had a better theme song. 

            The story begins with Daniel and his friend Tadkin huiding in the woods and watching some Mohawk warriors meeting with British soldiers. They then go to visit George Washington to find ou what’s going on. George is with Mr. Brayton. Daniel says the British are moving more troops into Boston and there are rumours of war. George asks why shouldn’t the colonies remain loyal to the king.

            Daniel and Yad leave and later George catches up with them on horseback. He says Brayton is dangerous and that war is coming. They’ll need every man in the Carolinas to man the fort at the Cumberland Gap. Daniel says Fort Cumberland won’t help if the British can win over the First Nations. George says they will. George shows them a map of Kentucke, the hunting grounds of the Wyandot, the Creek, Shawnee, and the Cherokee. George wants Dan to find where the trails meet so they can build a fort there. 

            Before going there Daniel stops off to see his wife Rebecca and their kids Jemima and Israel. They ask if George Washington has a big house. Daniel says he has 12 “people” just to take care of the inside. “People” of course means slaves. 

            Rebecca is mad that he’s planning to leave again right away but he wins her over by playing the dulcimer and singing the folk song “Fare Thee Well (Dink’s Song)”. 

            Dan and Tad go to Kentucky where they see a Shawnee hunting party chasing a Cherokee. The runner turns on them and is somehow an expert at fighting with a bullwhip. Dan and Tad help him out and so they become friends. His name is Cadamingo and he was educated at Oxford. He says the British have offered all the nations guns, bullets, powder, and a bounty on colonists’ scalps. Mingo doesn’t want his people in the fight. That’s odd considering that the British were trying to stop the colonists from illegally encroaching on their land. He shows Dan where they can build a fort. 

            Dan sends Tad back to report while he stays with Mingo. They get captured by Shawnee. Dan decides to stay and meet Chief Black Fish but Mingo escapes. Black Fish has heard of Boone and his prowess and so he tests him in the gauntlet. Boone has his hands tied behind his back but grabs a spear and fights several men anyway, eventually freeing himself. Black Fish is impressed and believes now that Boone will die bravely at the stake. Colonel Brayton of the British army offers to buy Boone for a thousand scalps in order to kill the legend rather than the man. 

            Black Fish ridiculously declares Boone his son and gives him a wife named Tall Willow. They plan on attacking Fort Cumberland but Boone will be forced to stay in the village until his people are dead and then his only people will be the Shawnee. Colonel Bryton’s Mohawks are guarding Boone to keep him from going to help save the fort. But Mingo has snuck into the camp and creates a distraction, drawing the Mohawks away while Boone escapes. 

            Boone and Mingo arrive at Fort Cumberland just after the attack has begun by the Wyandot and the Creek. They didn’t wait for the Shawnee. The fort inhabitants drive them back for now but Black Fish has arrived and will hold a counsel that night to plan a better attack. 

            That night Boone and Mingo sneak into the Shawnee camp and take Black Fish as a hostage. Boone climbs Mingo’s whip into the fort and is almost shot by Tad who is on guard. They lower a ladder for Mingo and Black Fish to climb. The warriors approach the fort and Black Fish’s second in command still wants to attack despite the fact that they have Black Fish. Boone challenges him to a one on one fight. Boone wins and Bryton tries to shoot him but Mingo whips his gun away. Black Fish says there will be peace. Boone immediately says goodbye to his wife and family again and heads for Kentucky. They seem okay with his being away all the time. 

            After the Colonial Revolution Daniel Boone owned at least 7 slaves. 

            Daniel Boone’s wife Rebecca was played by Patricia Blair, who started modeling as a young teenager. Warner Brothers became interested in her film potential after seeing her in some cheesecake photos. She made her film debut in Jump Into Hell in 1955. She co-starred in Crime Against Joe, City of Fear, Cage of Evil, She co-starred in 22 episodes of The Rifleman. Six seasons co-starring on Daniel Boone made her a star. She refused to sign a contract for season 3 unless her TV daughter Veronica Cartwright was dropped from the show because now that Veronica was an 18 year old woman Patricia was afraid she made her look too old, so they fired Veronica.

October 31, 1996: I told the Mexican stripper I'd help her figure out how to go to school in Canada

Thirty years ago today

            On Thursday I went back to the Club Paradise and bought some more lap dances from the Mexican cutie. She said she wanted to go to school in Toronto and was having trouble getting started. I told her I would help her look into it and we made a date for her to come over to my place the next day.

Andrea King

            On Thursday after midnight I put fresh carpet tape on the edges of my mattress where it had gotten less sticky. I lint-rolled the curtains between the bedroom and the living room, the top of my bed and the pillow and picked up a few bedbugs from the curtains. I shook my sheet and comforter out on the deck. I turned the heat off before going to bed at 1:30. I didn’t get to sleep right away but when I did I dreamed that the graffiti guys were back. There was a guy at the top of a long ladder across the street serving as a lookout. I asked him how many people were doing it and he said just one but he was helping out. They were tracing graffiti that was being projected from the top of a building up the street and also from another building. After yoga I found a few bedbugs crawling around the baseboards. 

            I tried to sort out the text I had for “Yes Man” by Serge Gainsbourg with the transcript I downloaded from Turboscribe and with the transcript that accompanies the YouTube video for the album Bobino by Zizi Jeanmaire. Sometimes one made more sense than the other and sometimes none of them did. I got through two verses. 

            I weighed 90.95 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since October 19 though not as heavy. 

            I lint-rolled the curtains between the bedroom and the living room and picked up a few bedbugs.

            I weighed 91.65 kilos before lunch. October 19 was the last early afternoon when I pushed the scale so hard. 

            I took a siesta and slept for an extra 45 minutes so it was too late for a bike ride. I still went to Freshco though as I do every Thursday. Most of the grapes were too soft but I found one bag of red ones that were relatively firm. I also bought a bag of oranges, a bag of grapefruits, two packs of blueberries, some bananas, a loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread, a pork tenderloin, a Coho salmon fillet, a pack of Full City Dark coffee, a jar of salsa, and a lint roller. I did a price match on the grapes with the $4.14 a kilo price at Real Canadian Super Store. 

            I weighed 91.65 kilos at 18:15. That’s the same as the evening of October 19. 

            I was caught up in my journal at 20:15. I had a potato with gravy and a slice of roast beef while watching Prescription Murder, the 1968 Columbo pilot. It wasn’t the first time Columbo had appeared on screen but it was the beginning of Peter Falk defining the role. The series wouldn’t begin until the early 70s but this was the kick-off TV movie. 

            Dr. Ray Flemming and his wife Carol are celebrating their tenth wedding anniversary but in the middle of the party he gets a call. He tells his wife it’s a patient having an anxiety attack and he has to go, but he goes to his lover Joan. It becomes fairly certain as they talk that he plans to murder Carol and Joan is going to help him. 

            He gets home at 1:00 and Carol is waiting for him. She says she knows he’s having an affair but then he reveals the reason for his secretism has been his plan to take her on a trip to Acapulco for their anniversary and they will leave tomorrow night. But just before they are to leave for the airport Ray strangles Carol. Then he smashes the balcony window, makes it look like someone broke in to rob the place, was discovered by Carol, killed her, opened all the drawers, stole her valuables and got away. Ray puts Carol’s jewellery in a suitcase along with a few other expensive things. 

            Joan arrives and Ray gives her Carol’s blue dress and gloves to wear. Joan is an actor working at a major film studio and she has secretly borrowed a wig of the same colour and style as Carol’s hair and brought along a pair of sunglasses. She disguises herself as Carol, they leave for the airport and get on the plane. Before the plane takes off they stage an argument and Joan leaves. She puts the dress in a laundry bag that has been left outside Ray’s penthouse for the cleaners to pick up. 

            Ray spends two weeks fishing in Mexico and dumps Carol’s jewellery into the ocean. When he comes home he walks in and sees the police tape outlining Carol’s body and goes to stand by the window. He’s surprised when police Lieutenant Columbo steps out of the bedroom. Ray learns that his wife is not dead but in a coma in the hospital and they go there. When they arrive outside Carol’s room he is told she’s just become conscious but then the doctor comes out and tells him she has died. The last thing she said was “Ray!”. 

            Columbo wonders why Ray didn’t call out for his wife when he got home from his trip, since that’s what most husbands would do. He also wonders why Ray’s luggage was 4 kilos lighter when he came back from Mexico. Ray explains that he took several medical brochures with him to read and since most were ads he left them behind after reading them. 

            Because Columbo keeps on coming around to ask questions, Ray gets his friend the district attorney Burt Gordon to pull some strings and have Columbo taken off the case. Columbo comes to Ray’s office to inform him that he was removed but says he finds it odd. He says he’d like to become Ray’s patient because his wife says he’s chronically suspicious. They have a drink in Ray’s office and Ray discusses the type of person Columbo is pursuing, concluding that he is too smart to catch.

            Columbo begins to harass Joan and says she is a suspect of being an accessory to a murder. He has her visibly followed and someone is always staked outside her place. 

            The next day Joan misses her psychiatric appointment with Ray and when his secretary calls to inquire she learns the coroner is at her home. Ray goes there and finds them pulling a body from Joan’s pool. Columbo says she took an overdose of barbiturates and he blames himself because he rode her too hard. But he also tells Ray that he’s also to blame as it was because of her that he killed Carol. Ray says if he had killed Carol it would have been for her money and not for Joan. And also if he had killed Carol he would not have had any problem killing Joan if she became an inconvenience. Suddenly Joan reveals that she is alive and she has been listening to what Ray said. She is now willing to make a statement to the police. 

            In the beginning, during the anniversary party we meet Cynthia Gordon, the wife of Burt Gordon. She was played by Andrea King, who began acting professionally at the age of 14. During her late teens and early 20s she worked for the Lillian Gish Stock Company. She made her film debut in The Ramparts We Watch in 1940. In 1945 she was voted the most photogenic actress at Warner Brothers. She co-starred in The Beast With Five Fingers, Shadow of a Woman, The Man I Love, Dial 1119, Southside 1-1000, Red Planet Mars, The World in His Arms, Silent Fear, Hotel Berlin, Navy Nurse, My Wild Irish Rose, She starred in Outlaw Queen, She made her TV debut on Stump the Stars in 1950. She wrote children’s stories and an autobiography. She never cooked a meal or purchased groceries in her entire life, and ate all of her three meals a day in restaurants.