Tony Terran

            On Tuesday I posted “The Eel”, my translation of “L'anguille” by Boris Vian on my Boris Vian Facebook page and my personal Facebook page. I looked for the next available Vian song to translate and searched for audio of his songs “Les donneurs”; “Reglèment de comptes”; “Chanson de Judith”; “Ah papa chéri”; “Chanson sur la solitude”; “L'enfance de bonnot”; “Epilogue”; and “Chanson du marchand d'oublies” but there’s nothing of those available online. The next song I’ll learn then is his “La complainte de Bonnot”. 

            I translated the last verse of the “Que je t’aime” (That I Love You) parody” by Serge Gainsbourg. I worked out the chords for the intro and about half of the first verse. 

            I weighed 89.65 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since June 9. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time. 

            Around midday, with the “crazy in love” pink hue I painted the outside half of the third floral relief on my future bathroom mirror frame and some of the fourth. I’ll try to get a little more done on Friday. 

            I weighed 91 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 90.2 kilos at 18:10. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal but was still behind at suppertime.

            I had a potato with gravy and my last slice of roast pork while watching season 9, episode 12 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup an apparent regular, an elderly woman named Mrs. Miller complains she couldn’t get a front seat. A woman named Roxanne in the third row offers to switch with her. 

            Someone asks Carol if she thinks she’s making more money on TV than she could in the profession that her character had in the movie Front Page. She played a sex worker in Front Page but Carol doesn’t answer the question. 

            Someone asks Carol if she knows how to Hustle. She simple nods. 

            A boy asks to see Carol’s hip go out of joint so she invites him onstage to feel it. It turns out he’s Ruth Pointer’s son. 

            They parody several of the year’s TV commercials. 

            Carol plays a housewife standing over the dishes in the sink. Harvey walks in with a microphone and a container of Jay dish detergent. He asks how after 26 years as a housewife she’s managed to keep her hands so soft. She says she owes in all to Jay. He looks at the camera and says, “Yes Jay! The household detergent that’s milder than mild!” She says, “No, not that Jay”. Then she calls for Jay and he comes out (played by Tim) to do the dishes. 

            Vicki is working in her garden. She says, “Who would think I had a headache last night? Thanks to Bufferson, the pain reliever that works while you sleep, I feel terrific!” Harvey comes and takes her in his arms, suggesting they take a walk in the woods. She says, “Not now I have a headache!” 

            Carol is sitting at a table where there is a big stuffed turkey and several other prepared food items filling the table. She says “In order to get your daily requirement of vitamins you would have to eat all of the food on this table. Or you could take One A Way Vitamins. One A Way has all your daily requirements in just one pill”. She shows the pill and it’s almost as big as the table. 

            Tim is outside in the snow. He says, “You may find this hard to believe but I’m going to start six cars with dead batteries with just one Dear’s Sigh Hard battery (a play on Sears Die Hard batteries). He electrocutes himself. 

            Tim plays Hitler sitting in a restaurant in full uniform. He says he used to be a big deal in Europe but now not everybody recognizes him. That’s why he carries an American Depressed credit card. “It’s all the identification I need!” The waiter still asks for more ID. 

            Tim does the battery commercial again. This time the cars start up and take off with the battery.

            The Pointer Sisters sing the 1947 song “Save the Bones for Henry Jones” by Daniel Barker, Michael H. Goldsen, and Henry McCoy Jones. 

            At a political dinner Tim stands at the podium and introduces his running mate for office of Counselman of Alban County, John Dean Hartman (played by Harvey). John begins a speech but Tim starts loudly eating potato chips. John gets him to stop. Tim begins to crack nuts. He eats one and begins to choke. He eats some chocolate and gets it all over his face causing everyone to laugh. At first John thinks they are laughing at a joke he made. Tim gets a bloody Mary with a celery stock in it and begins to crunch the celery. John takes it away from him. Tim smokes a cigar and has a coughing fit. John finishes his speech and wants to swing the microphone over to Tim so he can speak but it knocks Tim out the window. 

            Carol as Harriet and Vicki as Felicia are in a fancy restaurant. Harriet is someone who nobody ever notices. She calls to the waiters but they ignore her while Felicia can get their attention with no effort. Even Felicia pays little mind to Harriet. They both order the shrimp cocktail but only Felicia gets hers and doesn’t remember Harriet ordering one. Even when she trips and falls across the bus boy’s cart he doesn’t notice her and piles dirty plates on her back. 

            They do a soulful version of Cinderella with Carol as the titular character. Vicki plays the jive talking stepmother and The Pointer Sisters play Cindy’s step sisters. The scene opens with Vicki and her daughters singing about how life is a super gig when you got soul. Vicki impressively holds her own as a singer while jamming with the Pointer Sisters. Cinderella stands apart from the others because she’s a square. They nag her to help them get ready for the big rock concert that night. They turn their demands and judgements of Cinderella into a funky song. They leave for the concert and Cinderella is alone. She sings a very non-funky song about wishing she was a foxy superchick. As a result of her wishing her fairy godmother appears (played by Harvey in his big, buxom Jewish mother character). Cindy says, “You’re my Fairy Godmother?” “You were expecting maybe Tinklebell?” She says, “What miracles I’ve wrought today! I got a doctor to make a house call and I saved New York City from bankrupture”. Cindy asks her to make her into a hip chick. The fairy sings about how anything can be anything that it’s not if you wish it. She puts her in an outfit like Cher might wear, but with long red hair. She warns her that she must leave the dance by 12:00. “Midnight?” The Fairy says no. Parties don’t even start until midnight. You must leave by noon. At the concert Elfin John (played by Tim) is introduced. He’s physically meant to look like Elton John but he speaks in a sort of southern US accent. Cinderella arrives and everyone is awestruck by her. Her stepsisters sing about her being a chick who knows what’s goin down. She lies that she has a new dance called The Schlump. Everybody wants to see it but Cindy says she needs her choreographer. So her Fairy Godmother appears and just tells her to follow her lead as she sings, “Foist ya shake your tuchus, do a little pump, do a little robot, make a little bump. Tuchus, pump, robot, bump. That’s the way ya do it when you’re doin the Schlump”. So everybody does it. As the clock strikes noon Cindy has to leave but gives Elvin her glittery silver platform shoe. The next day Vicki and the Pointer step sisters are soaking their feet as Cindy is serving them. Elvin is looking for the hot chick and trying the shoe on everyone. His last stop is their house. Of course the shoe fits Cindy but Elvin rejects her because she’s such a square. So her Fairy Godmother appears and turns Elvin into a square too. 

            The trumpet player for The Carol Burnett Shiow was Tony Terran, who started playing trumpet on the radio when he was still in high school. He started playing for the Desi Arnaz Orchestra in 1946. He was a member of the famous band of session musicians known as The Wrecking Crew. He performed and recorded with Sonny and Cher, The Mamas and Papas, The Monkees, Eric Burdon, Ricky Nelson, Glen Campbell, The Beach Boys, The Beatles, The Bee Gees, Ray Charles, Chicago, Nat King Cole, Perry Como, Bob Dylan, Ella Fitzgerald, Benny Goodman, Bob Hope, Michael Jackson, Eartha Kitt, Peggy Lee, Madonna, Dean Martin, Elvis Presley, Bonnie Raitt, Linda Tonstadt, Diana Ross, Frank Sinatra, Barbara Streisand, Herb Alpert, and Tom Waits. He played in the soundtracks for I Love Lucy, The Lucy Show, Here’s Lucy, The Brady Bunch, I Dream of Jeannie, Get Smart, Happy Days, Popeye, Star Trek, Mission Impossible, Cheers, LA Law, The Simpsons, Rocky I, II, II, Karate Kid I, II, III, The Natural, All the President’s Men, Broadcast News, Field of Dreams, Blazing Saddles, Grease, An Officer and a Gentleman, Ghostbusters, Close Encounters, and The Deep.