Randy Doney

            On Thursday morning I memorized the second verse of “La complainte de Bonnot”. 

            I worked out the chords for lines three to five of the chorus of the “Que je t’aime” (That I Love You) parody” by Serge Gainsbourg. There are twelve lines in the chorus and I think maybe the sixth line completes the pattern but I’ll find out tomorrow. 

            I weighed 90.5 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin during song practice and as usual it went out of tune for every song. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal. 

            I weighed 91.55 kilos before lunch, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the early afternoon since June 15. 

            In the afternoon I headed out for my bike ride and for the second day in a row there was a bicycle at the bottom of the stairs blocking the exit. 

            I rode downtown and on the way back I stopped at Freshco where the cherries were very cheap. I also bought bananas, a pack of Oktoberfest sausages, and a pack of Full City Dark coffee. 

            When I came back the bike was still there and it was even more difficult to get past it coming from outside to inside. I ended up knocking it over and had to come back down to set it upright. I wonder which inconsiderate neighbour of mine is the owner. I suspect it’s Delmar in unit 5.

            I weighed 91.3 kilos at 18:20. June 11 was the last evening when I was so unkind to the scale.

            I was behind in my journal and worked on getting caught up. I was still behind at suppertime but starting to catch up. 

            I grilled eight chicken drumsticks and had two with a potato and gravy while watching season 9, episode 13 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup a young woman asks Carol how she would change the world if she had three wishes. She says no wars, no disease, and being stranded on a desert island with Paul Newman. 

            Someone asks Carol how is your love life? She answers “G rated”. 

            Eydie Gormé plays a snooty TV star named Marla Nelson who is pretending to be sick in the hospital until she gets more money from the network. Carol (as her old woman character Miss Toddler) is wheeled in by Harvey to the bed next to Marla’s. Harvey tells her they’re just putting her here for a few minutes until they have the results of her X-rays so they know whether to operate or not. He starts helping her into bed until he recognizes Marla and drops Toddler to the floor, forgetting all about her. Marla is annoyed that she no longer has a private room. Toddler is trying to climb from the floor to the bed and has her hand on the bed trying to pull herself up when Harvey sits on her hand as he’s talking to Marla. Toddler makes it into bed but she is moaning in pain. Marla and Harvey tell her to be quiet. Harvey starts to try to impress Marla with his impressions. He grabs Toddler’s blanket for a prop and knocks her out of bed again. Toddler gets back into bed and Harvey says he’s going to get a sedative to knock her out. Toddler wants the bed propped up so she can write her will. Marla presses a button and the bottom end goes up in the air with her legs. She presses another and the top end goes so now she’s doubled. Harvey comes in and tells her she looks like a taco. He sets the bed right again and gives her a sedative drink then he turns back to Marla to try to impress her. Marla wants a drink of water and Harvey grabs Toddler’s glass from her hand to give it to Marla to fill with water, but Toddler hasn’t drunk the sedative yet. Marla drinks it and falls asleep. Two scrubs come in with a gurney and ask Toddler if she’s the appendectomy. She says she doesn’t know. They see that Marla is knocked out so they figure she’s the one so they take her for the operation. 

            Eydie Gormé is backed up by the Peter Matz Orchestra as she sings the 1931 song “As Time Goes By” by Herman Hupfeld, which was made famous in 1942 when it was sung in the film Casablanca. 

            Tim Conway is returning a large plant to a store run by Carol who treats all her plants like people. He starts to tell her his problem but she interrupts him to listen to the silent complaint of a little plant on the counter. He says, “I want to get rid of this crummy plant” but Carol grabs him and says, “Don’t you ever talk that way in front of a plant! Don’t you know that dry rot is psychosomatic?” He tells her the plant hates him. She goes to the back to fill her water can and while she’s gone his plant grabs him. They engaged in a violent wresting match and are trading blows when Carol returns to pull Tim off. She accuses him of cruelty to plants. He says he just wants to get rid of it. She gives him a fern in exchange and goes to the back to get a box. While she’s gone the plant attacks Tim again and they are fighting when she comes back. She breaks it up again. She says if it hates him it must have a good reason. She makes him tell the plant, “I love you”. The plant affectionately lays one of its big leaves on Tim’s shoulder. Carol now gets him to tell the plant its beautiful and the plant begins to embrace him. Carol starts to cry and goes to get a tissue. Tim says to the plant, “Whadaya say we start over as friends?” The plant gives Tim an affectionate punch in the shoulder and Tim returns it. Then the plant hits Tim harder and Tim hits back and suddenly they are fighting again. Carol catches them and order Tim to leave. Then she says to the plant, “And as for you, you stupid jerk, this is the fifth time this month we’ve tried to get rid of you!” She begins to repeatedly slap and kick the plant. 

            Carol plays a homemaker stepping into her kitchen in the morning. Harvey comes out of the bedroom in a suit and coat with a briefcase, shouts, “I smell clean!” and leaves. Carol is puzzled and says to herself, “I don’t have a husband”. She puts a cigarette into her mouth and Tim comes out with a lighter saying “Flick your Blic?” She shoots a fire extinguisher at him. Carol takes some paper towels to wash the windows of the door when Vicki opens it with another brand of paper towels. She says they’re heavier and drops the roll on Carol’s foot. Eydie comes in and sits down saying, “While I’m in your kitchen I’m cleaning my oven”. Carol throws her out and tells her, “Go clean my oven in your kitchen!” Carol goes to the fridge to get a drink and Carlton Johnson comes from behind the fridge dressed as Punchy the Hawaiian Punch mascot and punches her in the stomach. She goes to the bathroom and hears music from the toilet. It’s the Tidy Bowl guy who she flushes (this is the third time over the years she’s done that). A car comes crashing through her wall and Tim gets out saying he’s Joe Garagiola and that it’s cleanup time at your Dodge dealer. Carol punches him out. 

            Vicki is chained to the wall of a dungeon as the lord of the castle (played by Harvey) once again asks if she’ll marry him. She says she’d rather be attacked by a warthog. Harvey calls for the royal torturer and it’s Tim’s old man character. He shuffles into the room but is too weak to break through a bunch of cobwebs. He plans to torture her with a hot poker but gives her a count of five to say yes. He olds the hot part of the poker under his arm while he counts his fingers. By the time the poker touches her it’s cool. He tries to scare her with the royal mouse but it gets away. He attempts to hit her with a flail but after he swings it around it wraps round his neck and hits himself in the face. Harvey gives Tim one more chance. Tim prepares the iron maiden but falls inside of it himself. Harvey asks her one more time to marry him and she refuses again. Harvey starts crying and Vicki asks, “Don’t you know when a girl’s playing hard to get? Of course I’ll marry you!” 

            This is the end of the episode but it seems to have been shortened by the downloader because there is supposed to be a musical tribute to Richard Rodgers, which is what the cast is dressed for when they say goodnight. 

            The fighting plant was played by Randy Doney who was an assistant choreographer on the show. His first work in that field was for the Mitzi TV specials in 1968 and 1969. He worked on many of Carol Burnett’s TV specials. He was an assistant choreographer for Pennies From Heaven. He appeared as a background dancer in several films, Broadway Shows, and TV shows. He was assistant director for the show Lambchop on Broadway in 1994. He retired to Palm Springs where he joined the Fabulous Palm Springs Follies for which all performers had to be at least 55 years old. The troupe’s last performance was in 2013 when Doney was 73.