January 1, 1996: I spent New Years day with my daughter then cleaned up

Thirty years ago today

            I might have spent New Years day with my daughter and perhaps Nancy picked her up later. I probably cleaned up afterwards.

Pam Brady

            On Tuesday morning when I went to bed at around 1:00 my left hip was too sore from my bike accident to sleep on my favourite side so I didn’t sleep that well. 

            When I did my yoga it was quite painful and I was moaning and grunting a lot. I was surprised that I was able to do most of the poses but I couldn’t forward bend as far as usual especially on the left side, which is normally my most flexible forward bending side. I also couldn’t balance on my left leg and left hand with my right leg and right arm in the air. 

            I finally memorized the first chorus of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. There are twelve verses left if one counts the choruses but half of each chorus from now on is a repetition. 

            I almost finished memorizing the third verse of “Les millionaires” by Serge Gainsbourg. I might have it nailed down tomorrow. 

            I weighed 89.25 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the last of two sessions. It went out of tune quite a bit in the first half but held steady for the second. Tomorrow I begin a four session stretch of playing my Kramer electric. 

            Around midday I packed my laundry onto my trailer and took it to the Speedy Queen coin laundry. I didn’t get it all back home until around 15:30. 

            I weighed 88.7 kilos at 16:00. 

            I took a siesta at 16:30 and got up at 18:18. I was able to sleep on my left hip and it felt a lot better when I got up. I think it’s going to be okay. 

            I weighed 88.9 kilos at 18:40. 

            I was still about half a day behind on my journal so I worked on getting caught up. I was still a bit behind at suppertime. 

            I had a potato with gravy and a chicken breast with cranberry sauce while watching season 27, episode 5 of South Park. 

            All the kids and really everybody else are obsessed with online betting through the prediction market app. One of the bets is “Will Kyle’s mom bomb Gaza and destroy a Palestinian hospital?” 

            Jesus has to remind the kids not to use their phones during school. 

            The number one trending bet on the app is will Trump and Satan’s baby be a boy or a girl? Meanwhile Trump is upset that all the gifts arriving at the White House are for the baby and not him. Trump begins to plot to induce a miscarriage. Trump finds Satan knitting in bed and unsuccessfully invites him to get into a hot tub and smoke cigarettes, both of which are bad for fetuses. 

            Kyle tries to shut down the betting on his mom. He calls a strategic advisor for predictive markets and we see it’s Donald Trump Jr. He tells Kyle all their bets are regulated by the Commodity Futures Trading Commission and so he’ll have to talk to them. He calls them and it’s also Don Junior who answers the phone. He tells Kyle the FCC is dealing with all the offensive stuff now and he connects him but again answers the phone. 

            Trump tries to sabotage the White House stairway with a trip rope and coats the steps with Crisco then calls for Satan to come downstairs. But Brendan Carr of the FCC falls for the trap instead.

            Cartman is trying to convince betters that Kyle’s mom has it in for Palestine so they will bet that she will bomb it and so he can bet against them thereby making more money. 

            Kyle’s mom is having lunch with some friends and she is surprised when they begin asking her how she feels about the current situation in Gaza. She gets upset at the questioning and leaves.

            Trump is in the kitchen making soup into which he adds several boxes of Plan B emergency contraceptive. Trump brings a big bowl to Satan but he looks at it and says he doesn’t like carrots. Brendan Carr comes in and tries to show Satan how good the soup is by trying it himself and he begins to shit so forcefully that he becomes like a jet and flies out the window and around the White House. 

           At the Broflovsky household Sheila has had enough of people expecting US Jews to have anything to do with Israel and so she says she’s going to find out who’s behind it and give him a piece of her mind, then she storms out of the house. 

           J.D. Vence brings another gift for the baby to Trump. It’s a kitten and Vence says they have to be careful because cats can be harmful to pregnant mothers, causing toxoplasmosis. So Trump gets a whole bunch of cats and puts them in the attic until there is a big pile of shitty kitty litter sitting on top of a trap door. He calls to Satan who has just come from the ultrasound and is pissed off Trump didn’t go with him. Then Brendan Carr triggers the trap and gets dumped with kitty litter. 

            Cartman has gotten 95% of betters to believe Shiela is going to bomb Gaza and he’s so sure she won’t that he bets $1400 from his mom’s debit card. Then the news is Broadcast that Shiela is in Israel. Kyle calls the special advisor to Israel and it’s also Don Jr. Cartman tells Kyle to tell him to take the bet down. 

            Brendan Carr is in the hospital and Vence brings him flowers. The doctor says if Carr’s toxoplasmosis reaches his brain he might lose his freedom of speech. Vence tells Carr to stop messing with his attempts to kill the baby and threatens him. 

            Then Don Jr. starts talking to himself on the phone and gets himself to take the bet down.

            Cartman is relieved but then learns from Kyle that Shiela didn’t go to Israel to bomb a Palestinian hospital. She went to give the person responsible a piece of her mind. Then we see Shiela bursting toto a conference room and confronting Netanyahu. She says, “Who do you think you are, killing thousands and flattening neighbourhoods, then wrapping yourself in Judaism like it’s some shield from criticism? You’re making life for Jews miserable and life for US Jews impossible!” She’s still nagging him as the show ends. 

             All of the production staff are jokingly referred to as “Strategic Advisors” in the credits of this episode. One of the producers is Pam Brady, who first met Trey Parker and Matt Stone when she was working for Fox. She wanted them to turn their student film Cannibal the Musical into a TV series. She put together Time Warped with them but it wasn’t picked up. When they started making South Park for Comedy Central they brought Brady in as a writer. She co-created the short-lived sitcom The Loop. She co-wrote Team America: World Police. She wrote and directed the animated series Neighbours from Hell. She co-created the sitcoms Lady Dynamite, Mr. Wong, and #1 Happy Family USA. She developed the sitcom Go Fish. She wrote for The John Larroquet Show and Just Shoot Me. She wrote the screenplay for Hot Rod, Hamlet 2, and Smurfs. She co-wrote the screenplays for The Bubble, Ruby Gilman, and The Sponge Bob Movie.

December 31, 1995: I watched TV and drank beer

Thirty years ago today

            On Sunday my daughter might have stayed overnight. I don’t think I was invited to any parties so I probably just watched some New Years special on TV and had a couple of beers.

John "Nancy" Hansen

            On Monday morning I continued trying to memorize the second part of the first chorus of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. I’m pretty sure I’ll have it nailed down tomorrow. 

            I almost finished memorizing the third verse of “Les millionaires” by Serge Gainsbourg. That should also be done on Tuesday. 

            I weighed 89.25 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since November 11. 

            I played my Martin acoustic for the first of two sessions and it went out of tune quite a bit. 

            I weighed 89.95 kilos before lunch. November 30 was the last time I pushed the scale that far in the early afternoon. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride but while climbing the hill after going under the railroad bridge on Brock Avenue south of Dundas my wheels started slipping on the ice. I thought I’d just ride to the next corner, then cross and go home but the bike slipped out from under me and I landed on my left hip. I was so determined to not have any more winter accidents. I should have just stopped with the first spin of the tires, gotten off and walked back. I got up and crossed the street and was about to try to ride back south down the hill but decided it was a recipe for another accident. So I walked until I was past the bridge and then rode home. It seems like they salted the road more properly between the bridge and Queen. 

            When I got to my building my upstairs neighbour Jacob was coming down the stairs. This is the guy who shouted in the hall last month his belief that I was singing about being a paedophile. As he stepped onto the street I said, “Shame! Shame on you for slandering your neighbours and telling lies. Then I called him Son of Sam after that other song interpreter who thought “Rich Girl” by Hall and Oates was about murdering young women. 

            I weighed 90 kilos at 17:00. That’s the same as the evening of November 29. 

            I had a potato with gravy while watching season 27, episode 4 of South Park. 

            At school Nelly and Betsy are showing each other their new Labubu dolls. At first they gush over each other’s acquisitions but then begin to fight while all the boys cheer them on. They are sent to the counselor’s office and the counselor is now Jesus Christ. He’s confused by their conflict and by Labubus. Jesus confiscates their Labubus until after school. The girls call him a shitty counselor. 

            Red McArthur approaches Butters and invites him to her birthday party. She then texts him a picture of the gift she wants him to buy her. Butters goes to the City Asian Popup store that used to be City Wok (still pronounced by the owner as “Shitty”). There’s sign on the wall that reads “Wok is dead”. Butters show him the Labubu he wants but the owner says he has to buy a mystery box and take his chances. Butters is shocked that a mystery box costs $85. The owner explains it’s because of Trump’s tariffs and the customer always pays the tariffs. Butters pays the money then the owner’s wife complains in Chinese about him taking advantage of children. 

           Then we see a Fox News report showing Trump getting off Air Force One after returning from his tariff summit and Satan is with him. There is a press briefing at the airport and all the reporters want to know is if Trump is fucking Satan. He denies it but they are all sure Trump is fucking Satan. 

            At a school staff meeting Jesus is concerned about the girls fist fighting over Labubus. The rest of the staff doesn’t seem all that concerned. They show Jesus a TikTok of one of the students opening her Labubu and then performing a ritual with it in the middle of a pentagram and killing a live chicken then drinking its blood then spitting the blood onto her Labubu. Then the Labubu comes to life. Christ is concerned that the Labubus are dark magic. The staff all agree that they are demonic. The kids are infusing them with a Mesopotamian entity. Jesus is surprised that the staff are so casual about it. He says the kids are in trouble. They agree and say that’s why every school needs a counselor. 

            Butters goes back to City Popup to get another mystery box with the $88.42 in his piggy bank. The owner says the mystery boxes are now $120 because of tariffs. He suggests Butters use the claw machine to try to get the Labubu he wants cheaper. The owner’s wife complains again about his treatment of the children. 

            Back at the school Jesus talks to two mothers of daughters who were fighting over Labubus. He suggests taking the Labubus away and keeping the kids off TikTok. They sarcastically say, “Great counseling”. They ask Jesus if he has kids and he says no. They say it figures. 

            There is another news report of Trump fucking Satan with footage of them sneaking together into the bushes at a golf course. Everybody loves the idea that Trump is fucking Satan. 

            Jesus goes to City Popup to try to stop the owner from selling Labubus. While they are talking Butters finally gets the Labubu he wants with the claw machine. Christ says for him to put it down. The owner is upset and thinks Butters should pay $600 for that rare Labubu. The owner’s wife argues he won the Labubu. Butters leaves before they can stop them. 

            Butters arrives at Red’s birthday party and gives her the gift. Red takes Butters up to her bedroom to “do it” and Butters thinks they are going to have sex. Red draws a pentagram and gets Butters to take a video as she performs the ritual while the other girls watch. She sacrifices a chicken. Blood red clouds rush over the house. The Labubu rises into the air and then forms a portal through which Trump and Satan emerge. Fox News reports on the event and it turns out that Satan and Trump appear at every Labubu party. The girls leave the party screaming followed by Satan and Trump. 

            Jesus arrives and confronts Satan. Christ demands that Satan leaves this realm. Satan says he wants to leave but is bound to Trump. Satan hands Jesus an ornate chest he carries and inside is a pregnancy test. Satan says he can’t leave because he is pregnant. A Fox news science consultant says that Satan is butt pregnant as that’s the way demonic pregnancy works. Everybody at Fox News celebrates that Trump is now confirmed to be fucking Satan. Kid Rock is crying with happiness. Jesus bans TikTok, cell phones and Labubus from school and gives Butters and Red two weeks detention.

            One of the production supervisors of South Park is John "Nancy" Hansen, who was also the voice Mr. Slave when he was a semi-regular character on the show. He also played John Travolta in the South Park episode "Trapped in the Closet". 

December 30, 1995: My daughter and I went sliding

Thirty years ago today

            On Saturday I spent the day with my daughter and we probably played in the snow. Perhaps we went sliding.

Anne Garefino

            On Sunday morning I continued trying to memorize the second part of the first chorus of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. 

            I started memorizing the third verse of “Les millionaires” by Serge Gainsbourg. 

            I weighed 88.65 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since December 1. 

            I played my Kramer electric for the last of two sessions and it went out of tune quite a bit.

            Around midday cleaned the warm mist humidifier that had been running since last Sunday and started up the other one. The one I cleaned has been weaker for the last few days but the other one is still powerful. 

            I weighed 89.8 kilos before lunch. November 30 was the last time I pushed the scale that far in the early afternoon. 

            I had Sky Flakes crackers with peanut butter, five-year-old chedar and a glass of limeade. 

            In the afternoon it was raining too heavily to take a bike ride. 

            I weighed 89.95 kilos at 16:20. That’s the most since the evening of November 29. 

            I worked on getting caught up in my journal but I was still a day behind at suppertime. 

            I made pizza on naan with marinara sauce, tomato pesto, a slice of ham chopped and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore while watching season 27, episode 3 of South Park. 

            ICE comes and arrests all the Mexicans who worked on Randy Marsh’s marijuana farm. He might have to sell the farm. He and his wife Sharon are having communication problems but she is glad when he says they should talk with someone about it. But then he uses Chat GPT as their counselor and so Sharon backs out. She calls it a sycophant machine. Chat GPT helps Randy work out a plan to save the farm and all he needs is Towelie and one Mexican. Randy turns Tegridy Farms into a tech company called Techridy and since they are in tech now he says he and Towelie need to enhance their creativity by micro dosing ketamine. But their micro dosing starts to happen more and more frequently until it is almost constant. Meanwhile at the White House a long line-up of people are bringing Trump gifts and telling him he doesn’t have a small penis. Then Trump gets into bed with Satan. Satan consults Chat GTP on how ro get out of his relationship with Trump. Randy and Towlie get high on ketamine and go to break one Mexican out of an ICE facility. Randy drives up to the gate and gets Chat GPT to convince the guard to let them in. He then sends Chat GPT a picture of the generator that powers the electric fence and she guides him through shutting it down. They grab the nearest Mexican and escape with him. Sharon calls Chat GPT and tells her to stay away from her husband. Then she tells it that she wants to turn french fries into salad and Chat GPT says it’s a great idea. Randy plans to send Towelie to Washington to try to get the government to change the cannabis regulations. Towelie meets with Trump and Towelie opens a case that he thinks contains Trump’s gift but it’s a hologram of Randy offering Towelie as Trump’s gift. Meanwhile Randy is sitting on the porch high on ketamine. Sharon sits in the chair beside him and Randy says the porch won’t slow down. Sharon begins talking to Randy exactly the way Chat GPT does. He tells her they need to sell the farm for groceries. She says, “No problem. Would you like me to start laying out some exit strategies for you?” She tells him to sleep it off for a few days. He hands her his phone. She holds it and says, “Fuck you bitch!” They pack up everything and leave the farm. Randy wonders where Towelie is as he doesn’t even remember sending him to Washington. There is a clip of a show called “Hey Satan” starring Satan and Trump. Trump is constantly asking Satan if he wants to fuck. Satan says how about talking or watching a show together. Trump says, “Okay, wanna talk and watch a show while we fuck?” Satan goes to the bathroom where he hears Towlie, all dirty and hanging on a rack, calling for help. Towelie tells Satan he wants to get out. Satan says, “So do I but there is no escape from this place”. 

            One of the executive producers of South Park is Anne Garefino, who earned a Master of Fine Arts degree from The AFI Conservatory in Los Angeles. She was executive producer of Team America: World Police and co-executive producer of The Book of Mormon Broadway musical for which she won a Tony Award and a Grammy. She’s won five Emmy Awards for South Park.

Dave Bautista

            On Saturday morning I memorized the second verse of “Les millionaires” by Serge Gainsbourg. There’s one normal verse left and then two long non musical monologues between choruses. 

            I weighed 88.55 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since December 1. 

            I played my Kramer electric during song practice for the first of two sessions and it went out of tune quite a bit.  

            Around midday I rode down to No Frills where the grapes were too soft so I bought five bags of cherries from Chile. I also got two packs of raspberries, some bananas, two packs of ground New Zealand beef, zip lock freezer bags, olive oil, tomato pesto, three bags of skim milk, a jug of orange juice, two containers of skyr, and a bag of Miss Vickie’s chips. 

            When I got home I got a sliver in my left foot and had a hard time getting it out because I can’t bend my left knee very far and the sliver was just out of sight on the left side of that foot. I had to dig at that area with nail clippers until I finally got it. 

            I weighed 88.8 kilos at 15:00. 

            I didn’t get up from my siesta until after 17:00 and so it was too late to take a bike ride but I was pretty sure the Bloor bike lane was not ready for bikes after the storm. 

            I weighed 89.55 kilos at 17:25. November 30 was the last evening when I pushed the scale that far. 

            I was more than a day behind in my journal because of watching two long movies the last couple of nights so I worked on getting caught up. I was still behind at suppertime. 

            I made pizza on two halves of my last Montreal style bagel with marinara sauce, tomato pesto, two slices of ham and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore while watching the Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special from 2022. I’d meant to watch it a couple of years ago but forgot. 

            Kraglin tells the Guardians how Yondu ruined Christmas for Peter Quill by wrecking his Christmas tree and rejecting his gift because no one should accept hand outs. Mantis finds the story particularly sad and wants to give Peter a great Christmas present to make up for that Christmas.

            Bzermikitokolok has only heard about Christmas from Rocket, who learned from Cosmo the dog, who learned from Kraglin, who learned from Peter. He and his band (which are played by The Old 97s) have written a song based on what he understands about Christmas and so he sings it to Peter to see if he’s got it right: 

“Out on the third planet closest to the sun

There's a special celebration 

And it sounds quite fun

A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone 

On a holiday they call Christmas 

Now I'm not gonna lie 

It makes no sense to me 

But here's what Earthlings told me 

About this Christmas mystery 

One, two, three four!

Santa is a furry freak 

With epic superpowers 

He flies to every human home 

In under fourteen hours 

He's a master burglar 

A pro at pickin' locks 

If you don't leave milk and cookies out 

He will put dung in your socks 

If you act nicely through the night 

And don't jump on your bed 

Santa comes with sugar plums 

And hurls them at your head 

But if you're on his naughty list 

He shoots missiles at your toes 

He might just roast your chestnuts 

With his powerful flamethrower 

Rein, rein, rein, rein, rein! 

Deer, deer, deer, deer, deer! 

I don't know what Christmas is 

But Christmastime is here!

He's compelled his creepy elves 

To do his every wish 

One sought to be a dentist 

Now he's sleeping with the fish 

Mrs. Claus she works the pole 

Plans her man's demise 

Soon the elves will all rise up 

And stab out Santa's eyes! 

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! 

Earthlings are so weird! 

I don't know what Christmas is 

But Christmastime is here! 

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho 

Earthlings are so weird 

I don't know what Christmas is 

But Christmastime is here! 

What the heck's a turtle dove 

And who lit up that deer?

I don't know what Christmas is 

But Christmastime is here! 

I don't know what Christmas is 

But Christmastime is here! 

Or maybe it's there 

Or it's somewhere 

I don't know” 

            Peter protests that he got his information wrong but he’s impressed with how well they learned to play Earth instruments in such a short time. 

            Mantis tells Drax that she wants to do something special for Peter, especially because of her secret that she’s his half sister as they have the same father. Drax suggests that they give Peter the legendary hero he always talks about. They could go to Earth and bring back Kevin Bacon. Mantis thinks that’s great idea and so they take their ship to Earth and land in Hollywood. 

            Meanwhile Kevin Bacon arrives home after Christmas shopping. His wife and kids are in New York but are coming back tonight. 

            Mantis and Drax walk down Hollywood Boulevard and people stare but they don’t stand out that much because there are other costumed characters there already. Mantis sees someone dressed as Captain America and shouts “Steve!” then runs to embrace him but he runs away. Drax sees someone dressed as the Gobot Cy-Kill and wants to rip his head off because he killed his cousin but Mantis stops him. Everybody wants to take selfies with Mantis and Drax and so they make a lot of cash. While Mantis is distracted, Drax beats up the Cy-Kill cosplayer. They go into a gay bar and spend all their money on drinks and party with everybody. Later they are sitting drunk on the sidewalk and talking about still not knowing where Kevin Bacon is. Someone tries to sell them a map to the stars home, which shows where Kevin Bacon lives. The map is $40 but Mantis is out of money and so she uses her mind control powers to get the map and all the salesperson’s money. 

            Kevin is at home watching Santa Clause Conquers the Martians when the doorbell rings. He talks to Mantis and Drax through the camera intercom but says he can’t help them. Drax throws Mantis over the wall into Kevin’s back yard and then jumps over himself. They knock on his door and he tells them he’s calling the police. Drax breaks through the door and Kevin runs. Kevin runs to the street and Mantis and Drax leap from back yard to backyard in pursuit. Three police cars arrive and one cop starts shooting at Drax but they just tickle him. Mantis takes out the officers and tells them to sleep. Another patrol car arrives and Drax flips it upside down. Mantis tells Drax he can’t kill people. He says, “How am I supposed to know the rules if no one tells me?” They catch Kevin Bacon and Mantis tells him he would love to come with them and so now he’s all for it. They get a bunch of Christmas decorations to take back to Knowhere with Kevin. 

            But on the way they find out that Kevin Bacon is not really a hero but an actor and it makes Mantis want to throw up. Throughout most of the universe apparently actors are considered to be the lowest form of life. Mantis makes him pretend to be a hero and not an actor while still being Kevin Bacon. 

            Later Peter is sitting alone when he hears Christmas music outside. He steps out and Drax pulls a switch as all of Knowhere is lit up with Christmas lights. Then Nebula pulls a lever and snow begins to fall. Then a big Christmas present is rolled towards him. But then Peter sees the box moving and there’s a person inside saying there is no air and he is about to pass out. Peter gets Kevin out, who is still under Mantis’ mind control. Peter says, “This is human trafficking!” Drax smiles and says, “Yes!” Peter tells Mantis to release Kevin from the trance and he begins to freak out from seeing all the aliens. He points at Rocket and says, “That’s a talking raccoon”. Rocket says, “I’ll kill you! Don’t ever call me that!” but they hold him back. Kevin runs and Peter says to get him back. Kraglin takes him in the ship to take him back to Earth and he tells him Peter’s story. He tells Kevin he taught Peter how to be a hero. Just as Kevin once saved a town with dancing in Footloose, Peter once saved the Galaxy with dancing.

            The phone rings and it’s Kevin’s wife Kyra Sedgewick. Kevin is surprised at the reception but Kraglin says a couple of good satellite dishes will get you a range of about 400 million light years. Kevin asks Kyra if he can be a little late because he wants to teach some people about Christmas. So next we see Kevin do a performance of “Here it Is Christmastime” by The Old 97s accompanied by them as Bzermikitokolok and his band. When Kevin says goodbye Nebula comments that all actors aren’t pieces of shit after all. 

            Peter asks Mantis why she did that for him. She tells the story Kraglin told her. Peter tells her Kraglin doesn’t know the whole story. Yondu later pulled his gift out of the trash and opened it. He liked it and got Peter the blasters that he still uses. 

            Mantis confesses to Peter that she is his sister and he says that’s the best Christmas gift he could get. 

            This was a very enjoyable and funny little movie. 

            Drax was played by Dave Bautista, who debuted as a professional wrestler in 2002 and gradually became a star. He won the WWE championship twice and the World Championship four times. His film debut was in Relative Strangers in 2006. He first co-starred in The Guardians of the Galaxy in 2014. He starred in Kickboxer: Vengeance, My Spy, Wrong Side of Town, House of the Rising Sun, Afterburn, Trap House, He co-starred in Hotel Artemis, Final Score, Escape Plan, Master Z, Army of the Dead, Glass Onion, Knock at the Cabin, The Last Showgirl, The Man With the Iron Fists, In the Lost Lands, LA Slasher, Heist, Marauders, Stuber, The Killer’s Game, In the Lost Lands, The Wrecking Crew, and Road House. He buys the wrestling video games that he appears in so he can play himself. He owns a tattoo shop.