John "Nancy" Hansen

            On Monday morning I continued trying to memorize the second part of the first chorus of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. I’m pretty sure I’ll have it nailed down tomorrow. 

            I almost finished memorizing the third verse of “Les millionaires” by Serge Gainsbourg. That should also be done on Tuesday. 

            I weighed 89.25 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since November 11. 

            I played my Martin acoustic for the first of two sessions and it went out of tune quite a bit. 

            I weighed 89.95 kilos before lunch. November 30 was the last time I pushed the scale that far in the early afternoon. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride but while climbing the hill after going under the railroad bridge on Brock Avenue south of Dundas my wheels started slipping on the ice. I thought I’d just ride to the next corner, then cross and go home but the bike slipped out from under me and I landed on my left hip. I was so determined to not have any more winter accidents. I should have just stopped with the first spin of the tires, gotten off and walked back. I got up and crossed the street and was about to try to ride back south down the hill but decided it was a recipe for another accident. So I walked until I was past the bridge and then rode home. It seems like they salted the road more properly between the bridge and Queen. 

            When I got to my building my upstairs neighbour Jacob was coming down the stairs. This is the guy who shouted in the hall last month his belief that I was singing about being a paedophile. As he stepped onto the street I said, “Shame! Shame on you for slandering your neighbours and telling lies. Then I called him Son of Sam after that other song interpreter who thought “Rich Girl” by Hall and Oates was about murdering young women. 

            I weighed 90 kilos at 17:00. That’s the same as the evening of November 29. 

            I had a potato with gravy while watching season 27, episode 4 of South Park. 

            At school Nelly and Betsy are showing each other their new Labubu dolls. At first they gush over each other’s acquisitions but then begin to fight while all the boys cheer them on. They are sent to the counselor’s office and the counselor is now Jesus Christ. He’s confused by their conflict and by Labubus. Jesus confiscates their Labubus until after school. The girls call him a shitty counselor. 

            Red McArthur approaches Butters and invites him to her birthday party. She then texts him a picture of the gift she wants him to buy her. Butters goes to the City Asian Popup store that used to be City Wok (still pronounced by the owner as “Shitty”). There’s sign on the wall that reads “Wok is dead”. Butters show him the Labubu he wants but the owner says he has to buy a mystery box and take his chances. Butters is shocked that a mystery box costs $85. The owner explains it’s because of Trump’s tariffs and the customer always pays the tariffs. Butters pays the money then the owner’s wife complains in Chinese about him taking advantage of children. 

           Then we see a Fox News report showing Trump getting off Air Force One after returning from his tariff summit and Satan is with him. There is a press briefing at the airport and all the reporters want to know is if Trump is fucking Satan. He denies it but they are all sure Trump is fucking Satan. 

            At a school staff meeting Jesus is concerned about the girls fist fighting over Labubus. The rest of the staff doesn’t seem all that concerned. They show Jesus a TikTok of one of the students opening her Labubu and then performing a ritual with it in the middle of a pentagram and killing a live chicken then drinking its blood then spitting the blood onto her Labubu. Then the Labubu comes to life. Christ is concerned that the Labubus are dark magic. The staff all agree that they are demonic. The kids are infusing them with a Mesopotamian entity. Jesus is surprised that the staff are so casual about it. He says the kids are in trouble. They agree and say that’s why every school needs a counselor. 

            Butters goes back to City Popup to get another mystery box with the $88.42 in his piggy bank. The owner says the mystery boxes are now $120 because of tariffs. He suggests Butters use the claw machine to try to get the Labubu he wants cheaper. The owner’s wife complains again about his treatment of the children. 

            Back at the school Jesus talks to two mothers of daughters who were fighting over Labubus. He suggests taking the Labubus away and keeping the kids off TikTok. They sarcastically say, “Great counseling”. They ask Jesus if he has kids and he says no. They say it figures. 

            There is another news report of Trump fucking Satan with footage of them sneaking together into the bushes at a golf course. Everybody loves the idea that Trump is fucking Satan. 

            Jesus goes to City Popup to try to stop the owner from selling Labubus. While they are talking Butters finally gets the Labubu he wants with the claw machine. Christ says for him to put it down. The owner is upset and thinks Butters should pay $600 for that rare Labubu. The owner’s wife argues he won the Labubu. Butters leaves before they can stop them. 

            Butters arrives at Red’s birthday party and gives her the gift. Red takes Butters up to her bedroom to “do it” and Butters thinks they are going to have sex. Red draws a pentagram and gets Butters to take a video as she performs the ritual while the other girls watch. She sacrifices a chicken. Blood red clouds rush over the house. The Labubu rises into the air and then forms a portal through which Trump and Satan emerge. Fox News reports on the event and it turns out that Satan and Trump appear at every Labubu party. The girls leave the party screaming followed by Satan and Trump. 

            Jesus arrives and confronts Satan. Christ demands that Satan leaves this realm. Satan says he wants to leave but is bound to Trump. Satan hands Jesus an ornate chest he carries and inside is a pregnancy test. Satan says he can’t leave because he is pregnant. A Fox news science consultant says that Satan is butt pregnant as that’s the way demonic pregnancy works. Everybody at Fox News celebrates that Trump is now confirmed to be fucking Satan. Kid Rock is crying with happiness. Jesus bans TikTok, cell phones and Labubus from school and gives Butters and Red two weeks detention.

            One of the production supervisors of South Park is John "Nancy" Hansen, who was also the voice Mr. Slave when he was a semi-regular character on the show. He also played John Travolta in the South Park episode "Trapped in the Closet".