Dave Bautista

            On Saturday morning I memorized the second verse of “Les millionaires” by Serge Gainsbourg. There’s one normal verse left and then two long non musical monologues between choruses. 

            I weighed 88.55 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since December 1. 

            I played my Kramer electric during song practice for the first of two sessions and it went out of tune quite a bit.  

            Around midday I rode down to No Frills where the grapes were too soft so I bought five bags of cherries from Chile. I also got two packs of raspberries, some bananas, two packs of ground New Zealand beef, zip lock freezer bags, olive oil, tomato pesto, three bags of skim milk, a jug of orange juice, two containers of skyr, and a bag of Miss Vickie’s chips. 

            When I got home I got a sliver in my left foot and had a hard time getting it out because I can’t bend my left knee very far and the sliver was just out of sight on the left side of that foot. I had to dig at that area with nail clippers until I finally got it. 

            I weighed 88.8 kilos at 15:00. 

            I didn’t get up from my siesta until after 17:00 and so it was too late to take a bike ride but I was pretty sure the Bloor bike lane was not ready for bikes after the storm. 

            I weighed 89.55 kilos at 17:25. November 30 was the last evening when I pushed the scale that far. 

            I was more than a day behind in my journal because of watching two long movies the last couple of nights so I worked on getting caught up. I was still behind at suppertime. 

            I made pizza on two halves of my last Montreal style bagel with marinara sauce, tomato pesto, two slices of ham and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore while watching the Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special from 2022. I’d meant to watch it a couple of years ago but forgot. 

            Kraglin tells the Guardians how Yondu ruined Christmas for Peter Quill by wrecking his Christmas tree and rejecting his gift because no one should accept hand outs. Mantis finds the story particularly sad and wants to give Peter a great Christmas present to make up for that Christmas.

            Bzermikitokolok has only heard about Christmas from Rocket, who learned from Cosmo the dog, who learned from Kraglin, who learned from Peter. He and his band (which are played by The Old 97s) have written a song based on what he understands about Christmas and so he sings it to Peter to see if he’s got it right: 

“Out on the third planet closest to the sun

There's a special celebration 

And it sounds quite fun

A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone 

On a holiday they call Christmas 

Now I'm not gonna lie 

It makes no sense to me 

But here's what Earthlings told me 

About this Christmas mystery 

One, two, three four!

Santa is a furry freak 

With epic superpowers 

He flies to every human home 

In under fourteen hours 

He's a master burglar 

A pro at pickin' locks 

If you don't leave milk and cookies out 

He will put dung in your socks 

If you act nicely through the night 

And don't jump on your bed 

Santa comes with sugar plums 

And hurls them at your head 

But if you're on his naughty list 

He shoots missiles at your toes 

He might just roast your chestnuts 

With his powerful flamethrower 

Rein, rein, rein, rein, rein! 

Deer, deer, deer, deer, deer! 

I don't know what Christmas is 

But Christmastime is here!

He's compelled his creepy elves 

To do his every wish 

One sought to be a dentist 

Now he's sleeping with the fish 

Mrs. Claus she works the pole 

Plans her man's demise 

Soon the elves will all rise up 

And stab out Santa's eyes! 

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! 

Earthlings are so weird! 

I don't know what Christmas is 

But Christmastime is here! 

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho 

Earthlings are so weird 

I don't know what Christmas is 

But Christmastime is here! 

What the heck's a turtle dove 

And who lit up that deer?

I don't know what Christmas is 

But Christmastime is here! 

I don't know what Christmas is 

But Christmastime is here! 

Or maybe it's there 

Or it's somewhere 

I don't know” 

            Peter protests that he got his information wrong but he’s impressed with how well they learned to play Earth instruments in such a short time. 

            Mantis tells Drax that she wants to do something special for Peter, especially because of her secret that she’s his half sister as they have the same father. Drax suggests that they give Peter the legendary hero he always talks about. They could go to Earth and bring back Kevin Bacon. Mantis thinks that’s great idea and so they take their ship to Earth and land in Hollywood. 

            Meanwhile Kevin Bacon arrives home after Christmas shopping. His wife and kids are in New York but are coming back tonight. 

            Mantis and Drax walk down Hollywood Boulevard and people stare but they don’t stand out that much because there are other costumed characters there already. Mantis sees someone dressed as Captain America and shouts “Steve!” then runs to embrace him but he runs away. Drax sees someone dressed as the Gobot Cy-Kill and wants to rip his head off because he killed his cousin but Mantis stops him. Everybody wants to take selfies with Mantis and Drax and so they make a lot of cash. While Mantis is distracted, Drax beats up the Cy-Kill cosplayer. They go into a gay bar and spend all their money on drinks and party with everybody. Later they are sitting drunk on the sidewalk and talking about still not knowing where Kevin Bacon is. Someone tries to sell them a map to the stars home, which shows where Kevin Bacon lives. The map is $40 but Mantis is out of money and so she uses her mind control powers to get the map and all the salesperson’s money. 

            Kevin is at home watching Santa Clause Conquers the Martians when the doorbell rings. He talks to Mantis and Drax through the camera intercom but says he can’t help them. Drax throws Mantis over the wall into Kevin’s back yard and then jumps over himself. They knock on his door and he tells them he’s calling the police. Drax breaks through the door and Kevin runs. Kevin runs to the street and Mantis and Drax leap from back yard to backyard in pursuit. Three police cars arrive and one cop starts shooting at Drax but they just tickle him. Mantis takes out the officers and tells them to sleep. Another patrol car arrives and Drax flips it upside down. Mantis tells Drax he can’t kill people. He says, “How am I supposed to know the rules if no one tells me?” They catch Kevin Bacon and Mantis tells him he would love to come with them and so now he’s all for it. They get a bunch of Christmas decorations to take back to Knowhere with Kevin. 

            But on the way they find out that Kevin Bacon is not really a hero but an actor and it makes Mantis want to throw up. Throughout most of the universe apparently actors are considered to be the lowest form of life. Mantis makes him pretend to be a hero and not an actor while still being Kevin Bacon. 

            Later Peter is sitting alone when he hears Christmas music outside. He steps out and Drax pulls a switch as all of Knowhere is lit up with Christmas lights. Then Nebula pulls a lever and snow begins to fall. Then a big Christmas present is rolled towards him. But then Peter sees the box moving and there’s a person inside saying there is no air and he is about to pass out. Peter gets Kevin out, who is still under Mantis’ mind control. Peter says, “This is human trafficking!” Drax smiles and says, “Yes!” Peter tells Mantis to release Kevin from the trance and he begins to freak out from seeing all the aliens. He points at Rocket and says, “That’s a talking raccoon”. Rocket says, “I’ll kill you! Don’t ever call me that!” but they hold him back. Kevin runs and Peter says to get him back. Kraglin takes him in the ship to take him back to Earth and he tells him Peter’s story. He tells Kevin he taught Peter how to be a hero. Just as Kevin once saved a town with dancing in Footloose, Peter once saved the Galaxy with dancing.

            The phone rings and it’s Kevin’s wife Kyra Sedgewick. Kevin is surprised at the reception but Kraglin says a couple of good satellite dishes will get you a range of about 400 million light years. Kevin asks Kyra if he can be a little late because he wants to teach some people about Christmas. So next we see Kevin do a performance of “Here it Is Christmastime” by The Old 97s accompanied by them as Bzermikitokolok and his band. When Kevin says goodbye Nebula comments that all actors aren’t pieces of shit after all. 

            Peter asks Mantis why she did that for him. She tells the story Kraglin told her. Peter tells her Kraglin doesn’t know the whole story. Yondu later pulled his gift out of the trash and opened it. He liked it and got Peter the blasters that he still uses. 

            Mantis confesses to Peter that she is his sister and he says that’s the best Christmas gift he could get. 

            This was a very enjoyable and funny little movie. 

            Drax was played by Dave Bautista, who debuted as a professional wrestler in 2002 and gradually became a star. He won the WWE championship twice and the World Championship four times. His film debut was in Relative Strangers in 2006. He first co-starred in The Guardians of the Galaxy in 2014. He starred in Kickboxer: Vengeance, My Spy, Wrong Side of Town, House of the Rising Sun, Afterburn, Trap House, He co-starred in Hotel Artemis, Final Score, Escape Plan, Master Z, Army of the Dead, Glass Onion, Knock at the Cabin, The Last Showgirl, The Man With the Iron Fists, In the Lost Lands, LA Slasher, Heist, Marauders, Stuber, The Killer’s Game, In the Lost Lands, The Wrecking Crew, and Road House. He buys the wrestling video games that he appears in so he can play himself. He owns a tattoo shop.