Women with the Hots for Men in Drag

            On Wednesday morning I finished memorizing "Les femmes ça fait pédé” (Women Are So Very Gay) by Serge Gainsbourg. I looked for the chords but no one had posted them and so I started working them out. I might have them finished on Thursday. 

            I weighed 89.2 kilos before breakfast. In the late morning I tackled my oven door for a third time. I made some slow progress. There is now a right angle of clear space running from the upper right hand corner of the oven window to the lower left hand corner. If I were to use a metal putty knife as a scraper I could probably clear all the caked in grease, but I don’t want to scratch the glass. 

            I weighed 88.9 kilos before lunch. I had seven saltines with old cheddar and a glass of the lemonade with jalapeno drink that I’d bought at No Frills. On first taste lemonade and jalapeno seem to combine to cancel each other out and taste like cucumber. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride to Yonge and Bloor. 

            Not because of anything I saw but while I was riding I thought about self expression through fashion beyond one’s assigned gender. I think it’s not just about expressing oneself but also about whom one wants to attract or not attract. For instance, if I wasn’t too lazy to bother with things like that, there is a small part of me that might enjoy wearing makeup and a dress. But if I were to do so it would draw the attention of men, which is close to the last thing that I want to do. Now if it also attracted women it might cancel the problem of the male attraction out, but chances are it would not serve as any kind of allure that would draw women into my life. 

            I was also thinking about how the phrase “sexual assault” is a misnomer, when it is more often a type of theft. If you stole from someone's person you would be charged with theft and if you also used force there would be a separate charge of assault. The term “sexual assault” may actually be self defeating because you could more logically teach to not enter someone’s private sexual space if the argument was against stealing rather than violence that did not necessarily occur. 

            When I got back I was greeted by my rooftop neighbour Taro, who I haven’t seen since last fall because he hasn't been sitting outside his place drinking beer or barbecuing. He complained to me about the guy who’s living in the first apartment on the second floor with his own back door to the deck. He says that whenever he sees him he closes his door and it seems to Taro rude and antisocial. I said that even though the guy moved in months ago I have yet to even see him. I suggested that he may be particularly private because he’s gay. 

            I weighed 88.5 kilos after my bike ride. I seem to start out the day heavier, perhaps with the weight from dinner the night before combined with the three glasses of water I drink every morning. 

            I worked on my poem series “My Blood in a Bug”. I worked on synchronizing the video for the performance of my song Instructions for Electroshock Therapy with the studio audio recording. I got it so the first few words, “Plug the female end of the chord” are lined up with the video, but in the video I extend the first line over a longer time so that when the line is finished I’m still moving my mouth. Maybe I’ll cut away to show the female end of a cord instead of showing me say the whole line. By the time I got to that point it was dinnertime anyway. 

            I cooked a package of Thai noodles and poached an egg on top while it was on the stove. I separated the egg from the noodles by putting it on a plate with the noodles in a bowl. I added scotch bonnet sauce to the noodles and ate them first and had the egg with a piece of toast. I had a beer with dinner while watching two episodes of Andy Griffith. 

            In the first story Andy and Helen never seem to have time for each other because of work or other obligations. Suddenly Barney offers to do all of the duties that both Andy and Helen had for Saturday so the couple can go to have a picnic at the lake. But once they are out there, every time they try to become intimate Barney shows up with some problem related to the duties he’d promised to perform. Later after Andy has caught some fish for he and Helen to have for dinner they are confronted by a game warden who asks to see Andy’s license. Andy forgot to bring his licence with him and so they have to go to the justice of the peace and pay a $25 fine. But Andy didn’t bring any money and so he calls his office to get Barney to come out with some money. But Goober answers the phone and doesn’t pass on the entire message to Barney. He just tells Barney that Andy and Helen are at the justice of the peace and need $25 for a licence. Barney concludes that they are getting married and brings a crying Aunt Bee and a dressed up Opie out there only to find they aren’t getting married. Later, finally Andy and Helen get time alone together by sending Barney and Thelma Lou out to the lake. They are about to get intimate when Barney bursts in looking for a fishing pole. 

            In the second story the news is all over town that Andy and Helen are engaged. Andy has just heard about it and Helen is angry because she thinks he announced it. Later Andy goes over to Helen’s place to explain what happened to create the rumour. Barney buys a fortune telling game from a police auction and contained in an ornate box is a lamp, some cards and a book. The lamp and some flash powder are supposed to invoke the spirit of an 18th Century count. Barney gets Opie to play the game. The cards are laid out until two of a kind appear. The book is consulted and it says that Opie will be granted three wishes. Opie wishes for a jackknife and seconds later his father walks in and gives him one. His second wish is that he get a B in arithmetic and he gets one. Helen says later that he’d gotten a C plus but it was so close that she gave him a B to help build his confidence. Opie comes to tell Barney his final wish. He begins with “I wish that Miss Crump …” but Barney is so sure he knows what the wish is that he doesn’t let him finish. Barney is certain that it will come true and so he spreads the rumour. But later Opie says his wish had been for Miss Crump to be his teacher into the sixth grade. Helen is surprised because she just got notice that she would be teaching the sixth grade next year.