Jack Nicholson

            On Friday morning the power went off while I was working on translating "Le java des chaussettes à clous" (The Dance of the Studded Stockings) by Boris Vian. It seems I lost everything that I'd written even though Open Office said that it had recovered the document. 

            I worked on memorizing the final verse of the original French "O Canada" but hadn't nailed it before song practice. Afterwards though I returned to it for ten minutes and finally learned the whole song. Next I'll search for the chords. 

            I was able to open the document of the eighth year of my daily journal in Word for the first time in three days. I wrote about three paragraphs recounting the events from Thursday evening until the end of the day. I copied what I'd written to paste in Open Office just in case Word screwed up again. It did screw up gain even so much so that it didn't even copy what I'd written. I had to type it all up again later in Open Office. Word 2000 is officially dead for all intents and purposes. It's useless to me now in its current state. I prefer Word to Open Office because I'm used to it but unless I get an updated version I'll have to stick with Open Office. Because of the problems with Word I was behind my usual schedule all day. 

            I weighed 89 kilos before breakfast. 

            In the late morning I went out with an umbrella into the heavy rain to the hardware store. I wore my hoody and my leather jacket but also shorts and the rain on my legs was like ice water. There was only one old lady ahead of me at Home Hardware but she took a long time. I was looking for some glue that I could use to put the three broken pieces back together of the rim of the planter in which I planted the dragon tree. It's been broken for years but since I planted the tree yesterday it seemed appropriate to fix it now. The guy showed me three tubes of glue and when I asked which he would recommend he said the LePage Construction Glue. The cashier said that my pot is terra cotta and she makes figures with it, using that same kind of glue. I commented that since it's a gloomy day it's a good day for gluing stuff. 

            When I got home I glued two of the pieces of the rim together and pressed them together while watching half of an old instalment of Last Week Tonight on Twitter. I'll probably glue the third piece on to fit with the other two next and then on another day I'll finish by attaching the whole thing back onto the planter. There are a couple of cups with broken handles that I've saved and so while I'm on a roll I might as well glue those back together as well. 

            I weighed 89 kilos before lunch. I had potato chips with salsa and yogourt and a glass of grapefruit juice. 

            In the afternoon it was still raining and so I didn't take a bike ride. Instead I did some hip exercises while listening to season five, episode two of The Goon Show: The Lost Gold Mine of Charlotte: 

Greenslade: This week, for one month only, we give you Death in the Desert. The lost gold mine was alleged to have been found by a hybrid lunatic French miner, Andrea Charlotte, who died without telling where it was. 

Harry Seagoon: I knew where the lost gold mine was. You see Charlotte left behind a map. A map I happened to find in an ordinary tin of meat loaf salad. Obtainable from all good grocers. 

Milligan: Neddie Seagoon is bound for the Americas, with a treasure map in his ankle pocket.

Grytpype: I met Neddie Seagoon onboard my ship the SS Filthmuck. Registered at Lloyds as a dustbin.

Seagoon: Yes, as it was a cattle boat, I disguised myself as a steer, and travelled steerage. 

Grytpype: Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Hercules Grytpype-Thynne. Captain of this noble ship.

Seagoon: I'm on my way to America. 

Grytpype: What a coincidence, so is the ship. Ah, listen, tonight I'm having a small card party in my cabin. 

Seagoon: I love playing with small cards. 

FX: [Door opens] 

Grytpype: Come in matey. Neddie, this is Count Moriarty, the famous French Morris dancer.

Seagoon: Un deux trois quatre cinq six allez oops olé! 

Grytpype: Splendid Neddie. Who said Latin was a dead language. 

Seagoon: Fred. 

Grytpype: Who's Fred? 

Seagoon: He's the man who said 'Latin was a dead language'. 

Grytpype: Gin-Rummy, ten pounds a point. 

Seagoon: I'm sorry I haven't much money on me. 

Moriarty: Oh, don't worry, we'll take an IOU. 

Seagoon: I haven't any IOUs either. 

Grytpype: We'll lend you one. 

Moriarty: Please gentlemen place your bets, pick up your cards. 

Seagoon: Lets see what kind of a hand I've got, hmm hmm. Four fingers and one thumb. 

Grytpype: There, thruppence please.

Seagoon: Well, that's cleared me out. Well here's my IOU for three pence. Thank you for everything... Goodnight! 

Grytpype: Moriarty. Look what he's written his IOU on. 

Moriarty: A treasure map! 

Grytpype: Yeessss. This is the map of Andrea Charlotte's mine. 

FX: [Great tearing sound] 

Grytpype: There, half for you, half for me. Now we can't twist each other, ayy, partner? 

Moriarty: As soon as we reach America, we must make for the lost gold mine. 

Seagoon: When we docked in New Orleans, I'd not discovered the loss of the map. Finally I decided to discover the loss of the map! Uh, the card game, of course! Moriarty and the Captain, I must follow them. Accompanied by that great Fred-Indian mouth organist, Max Geldray. 

Max Geldray: [Musical interlude] 

Milligan: Following Count Moriarty and Captain Hercules Grytpype-Thynne, led Neddie Seagoon to the deserted mining village of San-Ferry Anne. Deep in the heart of Arizona desert, there he sought shelter for the night, and himself. 

Greenslade: That night in the dusty bedroom, Neddie Seagoon sat brooding. 

Bloodnok: I say, I say you midget. Can't you stop that naughty chicken noise? 

Seagoon: Who are you sir? 

Bloodnok: Bloodnok's the name. Major Dennis Bloodnok, I'm prospecting for gold. 

Seagoon: Oh, are you a miner? 

Bloodnok: No I'm sixty five.

Seagoon: Well, I'm a bit of a miner. 

Bloodnok: Really? For a moment I thought you were Fred. 

Seagoon: Who's Fred? 

Bloodnok: He's the fella who said 'Latin was a dead language'. 

Seagoon: I'm here to look for the lost mine of Charlotte. Two crooks, Count Moriarty and Captain Grytpype-Thynne have the map. 

Bloodnok: Great crongolers of steaming thund, they went through this town just three hours ago.

Seagoon: What? If we hurry we can catch them up - come on! They find Count Moriarty buried up to his neck in the sand. 

Moriarty: That, that swine Grytpype-Thynne, he tied me up, slapped me in chains, buried me up to my neck in the sand when I wasn't looking. 

Seagoon: I'm going to leave you to die. 

Bloodnok: Oh no Seagoon, the man might be attacked by soaking wet elephants. 

Seagoon: What!? The nearest elephants are across the Atlantic? 

Bloodnok: How do you think they get soaking wet? 

Moriarty: Oh, mercy, mercy. Now, I will make a deal with you. You see, I still have half the treasure map. 

Seagoon: He's telling the truth. Half the map, and the half that matters. It's the last mile that leads the gold mine. That means Grytpype-Thynne can only get half way! 

Bloodnok: Give me that map. 

FX: [Tearing sounds] 

Bloodnok: There half each, now we're partners. 

Seagoon: Right, now which way did Grytpype-Thynne go? 

Moriarty: I will tell you if you each give me a portion of the map. 

FX: [Tearing] 

Greenslade: Here's an exact tally of the present distribution: Captain Hercules Grytpype-Thynne - one half; Major Bloodnok - one quarter less one eight given to Count Moriarty; Neddie Seagoon - one quarter less one eighth given to Moriarty; Moriarty - one quarter. Henry Crun - nil. 

Milligan: Meantime ten miles ahead in the blistering desert, Grytpype-Thynne plods the weary desert and makes a discovery. 

Grytpype: Oh, what a fool I am, this half of the map only leads me up to this point, dash it. Lost in this desert and five hundred miles from the nearest human being.

Eccles: Pardon me! Captain Grytpype-Thynne? Letter for you. 

Grytpype: [Tearing open of envelope] Dear sir, please give the bearer of this letter a glass of water. Who wrote this? 

Eccles: I did. I'm thirsty. 

Grytpype: Ohhh, where do you come from? 

Eccles: I'm mad Dan Eccles and I live in the lost gold mine of Charlotte. 

Grytpype: How is it that you've never taken the gold back to town and cashed in on it? 

Eccles: I don't know my way back to the town. I only know my way - from the mine to here. 

Grytpype: Well, I have a map that leads from here to the town. 

Eccles: If you give me a bit of the map, I'll show you the way to the mine! 

FX: [Tearing] 

Grytpype (aside): Little does this poor goon know that the moment he shows me the gold mine, it's curtains for him. 

Eccles (aside): Little does he know that I've already got some curtains. And how's your old dad?

Grytpype: He hasn't written since he died. 

Greenslade: Meantime from the compost heap of a wealth Hittite dustman, we hear the sound of Ray Ellington and his Quartet of four. 

Ray Ellington and His Quartet: [Musical interlude] 

Bloodnok: Ohh, then leave me lads, I'm done for. Just leave me here to die in peace. With me home perm kit and one copy of the dreadful disclosures of Maria Monk (Maria Monk (June 27, 1816 – summer of 1849) was a Canadian woman whose book Awful Disclosures of Maria Monk, or, The Hidden Secrets of a Nun’s Life in a Convent Exposed (1836) claimed to expose systematic sexual abuse of nuns and infanticide of the resulting children by Catholic priests in her convent in Montreal).

Seagoon: Very well Bloodnok, if you die I'll leave you this shovel to bury yourself with. 

Bloodnok: Ohhh, there they go. 

Grams: [Violin under:] 

Bloodnok: Leaving old Bloodnok to die in the desert. I don't want to die, I'm too old for that. Still, here I am alone in the desert, alone save for the sand, the cactus, and that Red-Indian who insists on playing that blasted violin! 

Chief (Secombe): Me Chief Worri Guts. 

Bloodnok: This Indian goon might save the day. If you carry me on back and catch up with my friends, me give you bit of treasure map. 

FX: [Tearing] 

Greenslade: Present map holdings: Captain Grytpype-Thynne - one forth; Mad Dan Eccles - one forth; Count Moriarty - one forth; Neddie Seagoon - one eighth; Major Bloodnok - one sixteenth; Chief Worri Guts - one sixteenth; Henry Crun - nil. 

Seagoon: Fifty miles further on, Moriarty and I made a discovery. 

Moriarty: Look - at this juncture Grytpype-Thynne's footsteps are joined by another set. See, they move around the cactus bush six paces. Then forward ten paces over here. And in a straight line twenty paces. What can they have been doing? 

Seagoon: The fox-trot. Our only chance would be the quick step. 

Moriarty: I can only tango. 

Seagoon: Curse. Is there no one who can help us? 

Bluebottle: I heard you call me my capi-tan. I heard you call me. Springs from behind cactus bush, pauses for audience applause. 

Seagoon: Who are you? 

Bluebottle: I am junior desert ranger Bluebottle. Gives secret sign known only to East-Acton boys club. Wipe nose on handkerchief made from tail of dads shirt. 

Seagoon: Have you seen a naval man pass this way?

Bluebottle: Yeeeess, yee-ess... Notice long dramatic pause before giving answer. 

Seagoon: Could you lead us to the sea-faring man? 

Bluebottle: Yes, but at a price. I want to have portions of the map. 

FX: [Tearing]

Bluebottle: Oh ho hoy oy. I am drunk with the power of the map portions. These will guarantee me untold riches. I shall have my own toothbrush, my own tooth. And a ball pointed pen with a real pointed ball! OK, follow me. 

Grytpype: We've been walking for days. How much further is it?

Eccles: Oh, a mile, two, three. All depends on the distance you know. 

Grytpype: What've you stopped for? 

Eccles: Well, I think I'll have a swim in my old marble swimming pool. Jeeves? 

Grytpype: Poor fool, the heat's got him. 

FX: [Door opens] 

Jeeves (Secombe): You called sir? 

Eccles: Yeh, just hold my clothes. 

FX: [Mighty splash] 

Grytpype: No, no, no, no, arghhhhh..! 

FX: [Pistol shot] 

Bluebottle: Hands up Mad Dan Eccles. Do not move. These guns are real cardboard. 

Seagoon: Mad Dan, where's the lost gold mine of Charlotte? 

Eccles: Behind that big pile of rocks. 

Seagoon: Oh heavens, we'll never be able to shift that lot. 

Bluebottle: Do not fear my capi-tan, I have here three sticks of highly explosive dynimite. 

Seagoon: Right, insert them under the rocks. 

Greenslade: What has become of Count Moriarty? He was suddenly attacked by a soaking wet elephant. 

Seagoon: Bluebottle, have you got the dynamite in place? 

Bluebottle: Yes. 

Seagoon: Eccles, press the plunger. Explosion. 

Bluebottle: You rotten swines you! You have deaded me! Look what you have done to my new Alan Ladd-type sports shirt. 

Seagoon: In a flash I was inside the lost gold mine of Charlotte. But, but there's no gold! 

Eccles: Well, that's-yah-lotte! (pronounced like "Charlotte without sounding the 'r'." 

            I weighed 89.3 kilos at 19:00. 

            I weighed 89.3 kilos before dinner. I had a potato, my last slice of roast beef and gravy for dinner while watching two episodes of Andy Griffith. 

            In the first story Helen is directing the senior high school play and the kids want to do something other than the usual historical dramas. But it has rock and roll dancing and when the principal sees the rehearsal he shuts it down because it has too much gyration for decent children. Helen invites him to come and see a revised version of the play and it features kids dancing the Charleston from the principal's generation. He gets the point and gives in a little too easily. Also the dancing is far too professional for high school students. 

            One of the students was played by Cynthia Hull, who starred in High Yellow about a light skinned black teenager who tries to pass as white. She also starred in "Attack of the Eye Creatures." 

            In the second story Opie and his friend Arnold find a baby that's been left in front of the courthouse. Opie thinks he should tell his father but Arnold says Andy will have the baby put in an orphanage. Arnold has read Oliver Twist and thinks orphanages are still run the way they were in the England of Charles Dickens. Opie and Arnold keep the baby in their clubhouse in Opie's back yard. One baby bottle of milk was left in the basket. Opie and Arnold take turns knocking on doors and asking people if they want a baby. Complaints begin coming in and Bee and Helen conclude that Opie is asking these questions because he's curious about the facts of life. Andy is told that it's time for him to have a talk with Opie. Andy has to work up the nerve and calls Opie down to the courthouse. Andy is in the middle of the talk when the baby's parents come in. They say they've made a mistake and they want the baby back. Opie gives it to them after Andy says he's going to report them to social services and next time it might not go so easy for them. Andy finishes his talk and Opie listens with interest. Later Arnold asks Opie if he told his father he already knew. Opie says he didn't want to disappoint him. It's pretty unrealistic that the baby never cries at all. Since it was right there in Andy's back yard they would have been bound to hear it. 

            Arnold has a Brooklyn accent but his father doesn't. Arnold was played by Sheldon Collins, who became a dentist and had a practice in Colorado. 

            I was pleasantly surprised to see that the father of the baby was played by Jack Nicholson. I had no idea Jack had appeared on Andy Griffith. Jack was raised thinking his grandmother was his mother and that his mother was his sister. My best friend Larry when I was a kid had the same situation. Jack's first film was The Cry Baby Killer." Then he was the masochistic dental patient in "Little Shop of Horrors." He made his last two TV appearances on The Andy Griffith Show in 19666 and 1967 and then he helped popularize LSD by writing "The Trip" and psychedelia by co-writing "Head." His first Oscar nomination was for Easy Rider and his first of three wins was for "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."