Helen Kleeb

            On Saturday morning I uploaded “Tout a été dit cent fois” (It’s Been Said a Hundred Times) by Boris Vian to my Christian’s Translations blog. It’s so short that I might have it published tomorrow. 

            I worked out the chords for about half the first verse of “Gloomy Sunday” by Serge Gainsbourg.

            I played my Martin acoustic guitar during song practice for the second session of four. 

            I weighed 86.2 kilos before breakfast. 

            Around midday I went to the post office in the back of Vina Pharmacy and bought a small shipping box. Then I rode down to No Frills where I bought one bag of red grapes, two bags of green grapes, a pack of raspberries, a pack of pork chops, salsa, Miss Vickie’s chips, and a container of skyr. 

            I went to the Dollarama to buy some tags and some fancy purple cord to tie the bags of candy I’ll send to my daughter. I used the automated cashier and it asked for help from staff. The woman didn’t believe I’d put money in the machine. I assured her I did but it turned out I’d put coins in where the bills are supposed to go. I’d thought that was where I was supposed to put the coins in and that the change came out of the other place but it turns out the coins go in where they come out. If that was obvious we would shit through our mouths. She rudely tossed my items into a shopping cart full of other stuff while she was fixing the problem and I had to dig my stuff out before I left. The Dollarama is such a distasteful place to shop. I would rather pay more someplace else than soil my consciousness in that hellish crap market. 

            I weighed 85.9 kilos before lunch. I had a toasted Montreal style bagel with cream cheese and a glass of limeade. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 86 kilos at 17:30.

            I was caught up on my journal at 20:23. 

            I made pizza on naan with Basilica sauce and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a beer while watching season 5, episodes 20 and 21 of Green Acres.

            In the first story Oliver is elected president of the Hooterville School Board. Shortly after that Arnold the pig is expelled from school for hitting the teacher with a pea shooter. But of course he didn’t do it. The kid next to him did it and then put the shooter in Arnold’s mouth. Fred Ziffel asks Oliver to represent Arnold to argue for his reinstatement but Oliver tells him that would be a conflict of interest now that he’s school board president. The children from Arnold’s class stage a protest in front of Oliver’s house. He tells them he hopes they aren’t going to start behaving like university students and begin having sit-ins. They take his suggestion and begin sitting in front of the school chanting “We want Arnold!”. They tell the principal that Oliver is their ring leader. Arnold tries to persuade the principal but he refuses. The sheriff comes to arrest the children but Oliver says he’ll give the principal one more try. The principal still refuses until he gets a call saying Arnold won the statewide school art contest with his abstract painting “Nude at a Filling Station”. Now the principal is willing to take Arnold back but Arnold demands an apology and there is another deadlock followed by another student protest. Oliver persuades the principal to give in. Arnold gives Oliver the painting. Oliver asks Lisa if she ever went for gas naked and leaves her staring at the painting to see if she can see herself in it. 

            The school teacher was played by Helen Kleeb, who started acting on stage and on the radio as a teenager while attending the Ellison-White Conservatory of Music. She did voices for the radio program Candy Matson. She guest starred on Hey Jeannie. In 1961 she played Miss Claridge on the TV sitcom Harrigan and Son. She played Miss Mamie Baldwin on The Waltons. She was also a college drama teacher. 

            In the second story Oliver picks up his mail and gets an $84 income tax return cheque. Fred Ziffel, Horace Colby and Newt Kylie don’t understand the concept because they’ve never paid income tax. Oliver tries to explain that if they lose money they can get it back from the government. Since they are farmers they have all lost large amounts of money and so they decide to ask the government for their refunds. There is a glitch in the government’s computer that causes it to issue them huge income tax return cheques. Altogether the farmers who asked for a refund were awarded half a million dollars. Internal Revenue sends a Mr. Feldinger to get the money back. The farmers refuse and say that Oliver told them they could do it and so Feldinger believes Oliver is the instigator of a great tax fraud. The farmers have invested the money in a monkey racing track and so the government becomes a silent partner in that business in order to get its money back.