Lyle Waggoner

            On Sunday morning I had a dream that my upstairs neighbour Jacob and his dog were in my bed. It wasn’t my futon but a more conventional mattress. His dog was on top of me sideways with it’s head hanging down. Jacob was on the other side of the bed but then moved up against me. At that point I shook him and said, “What the fuck are you doing in my bed?” He insisted it was his bed in his bedroom but then he realized he was in the wrong room and left. 

            After yoga I worked out the chords for most of the first chorus of “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. There are two lines left. 

            In my “Les millionaires” Movie Maker project I continued synchronizing the images in my photo-video with the rhythm and the meaning of the lyrics. I’m about halfway through the song. 

            I weighed 87.9 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since March 20. 

            I played my Kramer electric during song practice and it stayed in tune most of the time. 

            Around midday I cleaned the warm mist humidifier that’d been working all week and set the other one going. I assume it’ll be working less this week and so there’ll be less to clean come next Sunday. 

            I weighed 88.65 kilos before lunch. That’s the furthest I’ve pushed the scale in the early afternoon since last Sunday, though not as much. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 87.3 kilos at 18:10. December 16 was the last time I was so easy on the scale in the evening. 

            I was behind on my journal and so I spent all the free time before supper getting caught up.

            I sautéed garlic, scallions, and mushrooms, then added two cans of kidney beans and a jar of salsa. I got distracted while getting caught up in my journal and the bottom of the pan burnt. So the chili had a bit of a burnt taste. I had a bowl with plantain chips while watching season 2, episode 6 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warm-up Lucille Ball introduces her mother in the audience. 

            In the first skit Carol and Harvey play an elderly married couple. He’s still a little frisky but she’s indifferent. 

            Nancy Wilson sings “The Folks Who Live On the Hill” by Jerome Kern and Oscar Hammerstein. 

            In Carol’s biographical sketch, Roger’s boss is a fitness nut and so Roger and Carol have to pretend to be athletic as well. But Carol throws her back out so she is bent over and doesn’t want to look unhealthy and ruin Roger’s chances so she pretends to be looking for something on the floor. 

            Eddie Albert sings “Soliloquy” by Richard Rogers and Oscar Hammerstein from Carousel. 

            The next skit is the soap opera parody As the Stomach Turns featuring Carole and Lucy as Marian and Laura. They are dressed in mourning clothes and spend their days constantly going to funerals. Laura says today’s funeral was so much better than yesterday’s because at that one there was no place to dance. Marion’s daughter Vicki who’s been gone for a year comes to the door, hands Marian two babies and leaves. Marian puts the babies down and goes back to having tea with Laura. The doorbell rings. It’s Chester the mortician and he’s also a widower. He says he’s just passing through. Lucy asks, “Couldn’t you settle here?” He says “Alright”. The doorbell rings and it’s Nancy Wilson. Marian says, “Why, it’s a Negro! The first Negro we’ve ever had in Canoga Falls!” Nancy says, “I’ve come to integrate your town. My name is Julia. I graduated from college at 15, medical school at 15, and I’m up for the Nobel prize”. Marian invites Julia to live with her. She asks if she’s married and Julia answers that she’s a widow. Marian says, “Oh, a black widow”. Marian introduces Julia to Chester as “the town Negro”. Julia asks Chester to help her with her suitcase. He says, “Of course! I think we should all help each other, regardless of race, creed, or colour”. Julia says, “Thanks whitey”. Chester lifts the suitcase, has a heart attack and dies. 

            There is an astrology segment, featuring the sign of Leo. Nancy says she’s a Pisces but would rather be sexy like Leo. She and Carol sing “The Other Man’s Grass is Always Greener” by Tony Hatch and Jackie Trent. 

            Several famous Leos are listed. 

            Vicki is dressed as a hippy folk singer playing a lute and she introduces in song various female Leo rulers. 

           The first is Cleopatra as played by Nancy who sings the 1917 song “A Good Man is Hard to Find” by Eddie Green. 

            Vicki introduces Queen Elizabeth I played by Carol, singing a variation of the same song. 

            Vickie introduces Catherine the Great played by Lucy, also singing that song. 

            Lyle Waggoner made his acting debut in a production of L’il Abner. He made his film debut in Swamp Country in 1966. He made his TV debut on Gunsmoke in 1966. He co-starred in Love Me Deadly. He starred in Wizards of the Demon Sword. He co-starred on Wonder Woman as Steve Trevor and as Steve Trevor Junior. He hosted the game show It’s Your Bet from 1969 to 1973. He was the first Playgirl centerfold in 1973. He formed the company Star Wagons, which provided luxury trailers for film and television productions. He married Sharon Kennedy and they were together for 59.5 years. He was a successful sculptor.