Sunday, 9 August 2020

Food Bank Adventures: Why People Steal Milk Crates


            On Saturday morning I published “Bourrée de complexes (Buried in Complexes) by Boris Vian on my Christian’s Translations blog. This is the last of his songs that I have on file in his voice but I have another collection of ten Vian songs sung by Serge Reggiani. After that there are lots more uncollected songs of his floating around online.
            I memorized the fourth and fifth verses of “La ballade de Johnny Jane” by Serge Gainsbourg and almost nailed the sixth verse and the second chorus.
            At 9:37 I went to the food bank line-up and while I was locking my bike Rosemarie was already going along the line with her clipboard. I stepped onto the orange heart just in time for her to take down the membership number I’d memorized. She asked me if I’d lost my card but I assured her I had it. I said it just seems easier to know the number rather than fishing around in my pocket for it.
            I read a bit more from my book but didn’t get far before the food was brought out.
            When Rosemarie handed me my food she complained that a lot of clients are walking away with the milk crates. I guess it’s because they are both solid and light and perfectly shaped to be useful for many purposes. People use them for chairs or combine them to make tables, shelves for anything, bike racks, planters, square basketball hoops, cat beds, stepping stools, foot stools, wine racks, filing bins, comic bins, vinyl record holders, storage containers, bins for foods that benefit from air circulation, toy boxes, lamp shades, swings for babies, chandeliers, stairs, garden gates, chicken nests; night stands, just art, vertical gardens, and even entire buildings.


            As usual I only kept about half of what was given to me. I kept the box of Shreddies with The Avengers on the cover. The picture includes The Black Widow and it made me wonder who would win in a fight: Natasha Romanoff of the comic book movies or Emma Peel of the original British "Avengers" TV show?
            I held onto the two half litres of 2% milk; the two small containers of fruit bottom yogourt; the bag of fourteen small Casa Mendosa triple baked 100% corn tortillas (Casa Mendosa is owned by Weston, like almost every other food company in Canada); four red delicious apples and a head of romaine lettuce.
            I put the can of chicken noodle soup; the bag of rice; the pack of tofu; the pack of frozen chicken wieners; the two bags of three eggs each; and the loaf of sliced bread back in the milk crate and offered the whole thing to the middle aged woman behind me. I asked her if she wanted all of it and she gratefully accepted everything, saying in an Eastern European accent that she needs lots of things. I asked her to take the crate back when it was empty and she agreed, but while I was unlocking my bike she received her crate and put mine aside. I went to retrieve my milk crate and put it in front of the door to be used for the food bank’s mostly non-milk holding purposes.
            I left the food bank about twenty minutes after I’d arrived and went home to put my food away. Then I headed back out to the supermarket but stopped at Vina Pharmacy on my way to see if my doctor had renewed my prescription. It was there but for the first time I was charged a fee of $2.37 for the cortisone cream. The pharmacist explained that some of the cost was paid by my Green Shield plan and some by Old Age Pension but it’s not fully covered until I reach $100 in a given year. The chances of me spending $100 in a year on prescriptions is pretty slim. When the druggist learned that I’m on the Guaranteed Income Supplement he printed a form for me to fill out and to send to the government that would make it so I would be covered more fully. He suggested that I might have already been sent the form and that's possible. All this old age stuff is pretty young for me.
            At No Frills I bought a watermelon; a pack of Ontario peaches; three bags of cherries; a loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread; a strawberry-rhubarb pie; mouthwash; and three containers of Greek yogourt.
            I went home by way of Dunn Avenue and on the way stopped to look at a few household items that someone had thrown out. Among the things was a wok but it was Teflon and already scratched and I hate Teflon anyway. I took a two litre mason jar and a little cast iron frying pan 14.5 cm in diameter.
             As soon as I put my groceries away I went back out to the liquor store to buy a six-pack of Creemore. A few weeks ago the LLBO employees were all wearing big full face shields with clear plastic visors but lately they're sporting the simple cloth masks. I asked the cashier what happened to the visors and he said they still have them and some employees wear them It’s just a matter of choice. I had thought that they might have sent them all to another country since they’re not getting much use here.
            For lunch I had a cheddar and lettuce sandwich.
            In the afternoon I skipped my exercises and a bike ride and just worked on writing my Food Bank Adventure.
            For dinner I had a fried egg and a piece of toast with a beer while watching two episodes of The Adventures of Sir Lancelot.
            In the first story Lancelot is out hunting when an arrow from the bushes hits his armour. He tackles his attacker and discovers it is a woman named Helga. She tries to kill him again with a dagger and when he takes that away he demands that she take him to the leader of her tribe. They arrive at a village populated entirely by women who are the wives and daughters of shepherds away tending their flocks. Helga points to a hut where she says her leader resides but as soon as Lancelot walks in Helga shuts and locks the door. Inside the hut is Princess Anne, the daughter of King Athelred. The women of the village claim that King Athelred’s knights have been attacking their village but Anne does not believe her father would allow such a thing. She decided to go and talk with the women but they immediately took her prisoner. The women think that Lancelot is one of Athelred’s knights and so they propose to make it appear to him that they will burn Anne at the stake if Athelred does not back off, and that Lancelot will deliver this message to his master. But when Marta the wife of the chief of the tribe sees Lancelot she recognizes by his insignia that he is not one of Athelred's men.  Marta shows Lancelot the graves of members of her tribe that have tried to reason with Athelred. There is an old treaty between her tribe and Athelred’s kingdom but the king wants their land. If he can provoke the tribe to break the treaty without breaking it himself he can claim their land without repercussions from King Arthur. Lancelot goes to Athelred but the king does not believe the tribe will harm his daughter. When Lancelot accuses Athelred of breaking the treaty he orders him thrown in the dungeon and so Lancelot has to fight his way out of the castle. Athelred sends his men to attack the village and Lancelot warns Marta. She insists on tying Anne to the stake, putting wood around her and having torches ready to show Athelred they mean business. Lancelot sets fire to some straw behind the huts and while the women go to put it out Lancelot unties Anne. As the knights approach Lancelot gives Marta a plan to defeat them. When the knights arrive they find the village apparently deserted. When Athelred says to search the huts for money and property each knight goes into a hut where they are outnumbered, knocked out and tied up. All that is left is Athelred and Lancelot challenges and ultimately defeats him in sword battle. Athelred is forced to swear fealty to Arthur and allow his daughter to live in Camelot.
            In the second story there is an international fair being held at the castle of Baron Mortaise, with Queen Guenevere the guest of honour. The Rajah of Kaukur presents the queen with the Madras Emerald, which she puts on immediately. But while she is announcing the opening of the fair someone throws a torch and starts a fire. In the panic the emerald is stolen. The fair is closed and Lancelot has to play detective. Lancelot first talks with a dice shark he knows named Ronk who tells him that to find the emerald he might be interested in some oat cakes. Lancelot goes to the oat cake merchant and discovers that he is Osbert. Mortaise’s men search the goods of a jewellery salesman named Hasim and find the setting for the emerald, and so Hasim is arrested. Lancelot does not believe Hasim is the thief and so he asks Guenevere to announce that the emerald has been found and that Lancelot is holding onto it until the next day. When Hasim hears that Lancelot has the emerald he escapes confinement and sneaks into Lancelot’s tent to try to get the jewel. Lancelot says that because Hasim came for the emerald it proves to him he is innocent and asks that he go back into custody until he can prove it to everyone else. Hasim fights Lancelot but Lancelot defeats him and sends him back to custody. Then Ronk comes to steal the emerald and Lancelot tells him that now he knows he didn’t steal the emerald either. Then he puts a knife to Ronk’s throat and tells him to walk away with a clean conscience. Lancelot then goes to Osbert and says that he knows that since he didn’t try to steal the emerald from him then he must have it. Osbert shows that he has the emerald hidden in some bread dough but when he pulls it out he runs with it. Lancelot catches him near the animal cages and knocks him into the cage of the pet bear of Hasim’s daughter Zuleika. The “bear” which is a man in a very bad costume that doesn’t look like a bear, is a friendly animal and loves to give unbreakable hugs. The emerald is recovered and the fair is reopened. 

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