Poop Emergency

            On Wednesday just after midnight when I went to bed something felt weird in my butt. I reached around and realized that there was shit stuck to the hairs of my ass. Either I hadn’t wiped properly earlier that day or I’d farted poop. I got up and washed my behind thoroughly. There didn’t seem to be any shit smell on my bed but the shorts and underwear that I’d been wearing wreaked of poop and so I would have to wash them later on.

            In the morning I continued editing “Bourrée de complexes” (Buried in Complexes) by Boris Vian on Christian’s Translations.

            I started memorizing “Le ballad de Johnny Jane” by Serge Gainsbourg and reworked some of the translation.

            Later in the morning it occurred to me that since my shorts had poop in them everywhere I’d been sitting might also smell of crap. I checked and found that the cushion and the pillow case on my computer chair both smelled shitty and so did the couch in the spot where I’d sat during dinner and while watching the shows. On top of that since I’d been wearing my sweat pants at the computer that morning they had also picked up the odour of poop. I had planned on continuing with my sanding project in the bedroom that day but this shitty situation changed my plans to spending that time washing the shorts, the sweatpants and the cushion. I put my three kitchen chairs out on the roof in the sun and hung the shorts, the sweatpants and the pillow over the backs of the chairs.

            For lunch I had a cheese, sausage and lettuce sandwich.

            In the afternoon I did my exercises while listening to another recycled Amos and Andy script. In this story Sapphire and her mother have suddenly moved out without explanation. Sapphire’s absence causes Kingfish to reflect on the early days of their romance when they eloped. Kingfish climbed a rickety ladder to Sapphire’s bedroom and carried her down The ladder was much more steady on the way down. There are many different stories about their honeymoon but in this case they had been about to board the Honeymoon Express from New York to Niagara Falls when Kingfish said he was going to get some salt water taffy and a couple of magazines. Sapphire boarded the right train but Kingfish got on the wrong one. So now Kingfish finds out that Sapphire has moved in with her mother in Brooklyn. In an effort to rekindle their marriage Kingfish buys tickets for the Honeymoon Express again and tries to elope with Sapphire. But while carrying her down the ladder it is much more wobbly than it had been years before. Kingfish falls and breaks his collarbone. In the hospital Sapphire’s mother tells him that the reason the ladder had been steady when they’d first eloped was because she’d been hiding in the bushes and steadying it.

I took a bike ride to Bloor and Yonge and then south. During the red light at Shuter a man with a camera has a beautiful woman in a sparkling golden sari to stand out in the middle of Yonge Street while he took her picture.

When I got home most of the clothes were dry but the shorts still smelled like shit. I washed them again with special emphasis on the ass but later they still smelled bad.

I had a fried egg and two slices of Portuguese corn bread with a beer for dinner while watching two episodes of “The Adventures of Sir Lancelot”.

In the first story Lancelot is sent on a mission to Scotland but he is attacked by brigands, one of whom kills his horse by dropping a boulder from above. Lancelot fights them and sends them running but he follows them to their camp and demands that they replace his horse. Jaggyd their leader pretends to be welcoming and invites Lancelot to take his pick of their wild horses which are descendants of steeds from the Roman cavalry. He chooses the “grey" which is really white but white horses are technically called "grey". He names it "Caledon" after Caledonia, the Roman name for Scotland. But one of the brigands places a burr under the saddle so that when Lancelot mounts Caledon he is in pain and begins to buck violently. Lancelot stays mounted for quite a while but is ultimately thrown and knocked out. Jaggyd steals Lancelot’s sword and his jewelled arm bracelet. When Lancelot comes to he goes to a stream to splash his head and he sees that Caledon is there. He catches the horse, makes friends with it, finds the burr and treats the wound. He then rides after the brigands, sneaks up to their new camp and releases all their corralled horses. When the men go after the horses Jaggyd is alone. Lancelot with a wooden club he found and Jaggyd with Lancelot’s sword, fight on horseback until Lancelot knocks his sword from Jaggyd's hand and recovers it from horseback on the run. Jaggyd draws his own sword but he is soon knocked off his horse and forced to return the bracelet. Lancelot says that he won’t kill Jaggyd because he's in his debt for Caledon.

The timeline of the airing of these stories must be slightly mixed up because Lancelot had Caledon in an earlier episode.

In the second story it’s St Stephen's Day and on this day in Camelot from sunrise to sunset there is a tradition of role reversal. The squires take on the authority of knights and the knights and even the king and queen must act as their servants. The purpose of this according to Arthur is for the nobles to learn humility. At a ceremony everyone recites an oath: "On this St Stephen's Day we put down our arms and trust in the honour of goodness, mercy and humility to protect us until the day when all men put down their arms.” Arthur then gives the squires his sword Excalibur for safe keeping until the end of the day. When the squire Robert is handed the sword he immediately rides away with it. As Arthur has given his oath that his men will lay down their arms on this day, his knights are forbidden from going after Robert. Brian proposes that the squires pursue him and that they take Lancelot as an advisor. Meanwhile Robert brings Excalibur to a gang of criminals as ransom for the life of Robert’s father. The kidnappers are led by Barney Brandygore who plans on selling Excalibur to Morgan le Fey. They find Robert alone after being beaten up by the brigands. They locate the thieves' camp in some ruins not far away. Lancelot suggests they sneak around behind but since it’s still St Stephen’s Day and Brian is in charge he says they go straight in and it’s a trap and they are captured. Everyone is chained and locked up inside the ruined church while Brian, still chained is put to work serving the thieves. They are discussing selling the sword to Arthur’s evil sister, Morgan le Fey but Brian tells Barney that if he keeps Excalibur he would be the most famous thief in England and the most successful since the sword is magic. He says he could defeat the greatest knights in Britain. Barney adds, “All I need is a knight to fight like Sir Lancelot!” Brian informs him that Sir Lancelot is chained inside and so he is brought out.  Barney challenges Lancelot but Lancelot refuses to fight because it is still St Stephen’s day and he has taken an oath. Barney attacks and Lancelot easily dodges his thrusts. Meanwhile Brian and the other squires, although still in chains attack Barney’s men. Brian moves the sundial so that it looks like it’s sunset and tells Lancelot that St Stephen’s Day is over and so he can fight. Lancelot easily wins and regains Excalibur and Robert’s father is rescued. When the sword is returned to Arthur Lancelot is informed that it is still St Stephen’s Day. Seeing that Brian tricked him Lancelot says, “I will deal with you later!” Arthur had promised Brian a boon for returning Excalibur and so Brian asks Arthur to tell Lancelot to forgive him and he does so.