Len Maxwell

            On Sunday morning I wasn’t quite able to memorize the fifth and final verse of “Au charme non plus” (The Charm is Gone) by Serge Gainsbourg but I’m pretty sure I’ll have it nailed down tomorrow.

            I played my Martin acoustic guitar during song practice for the first of two sessions. 

            I weighed 86.95 kilos before breakfast, which is the lightest I’ve been in the morning since November 8. 

            Around midday I managed to get in about an hour of practicing my song “Paranoiac Utopia”. I still couldn’t play it all the way through without stopping to look at the chords but I’m getting closer. 

            I weighed 87.95 kilos before lunch. That’s the most I’ve tipped the scales in the early afternoon since November 11. I had Swiss cheese flavoured crackers with five-year-old cheddar and a glass of low sugar iced tea. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 87.35 kilos at 18:00. It hasn’t been that high in the evening since November 15. 

            I was caught up on my journal at 18:38. 

            I compared the song practice video of my acoustic performance of “Vomit of the Star Eater” on October 8 to that of October 1 and I still think October 1 has the best lighting and expression. I compared October 11 to October 1 and found that October 1 is still the better looking and sounding take. I compared October 13 to October 1 and saw that October 13 doesn’t look as good. I compared October 14 to October 1 and I find that October 1 is the overall best of the acoustic takes of “Vomit of the Star Eater”, so that’s the one I’ll upload to YouTube. 

            I compared the song practice videos of my electric performances of “Vomit of the Star eater” on October 13 and 14. I find October 13 to be more expressive and I also play it more slowly than I’ve ever noticed, which makes it interesting. There are thirteen more electric takes to compare. 

            I put in at least another half an hour of practice on “Paranoiac Utopia” and came closer to playing it all the way through. Although it’s progress it feels pretty slow when one considers that I have two more songs to learn and only six days left to rehearse. 

            I made pizza on a slice of multigrain sandwich bread with Italian sausage pasta sauce, turkey kielbasa, and five-year-old cheddar. Yesterday I found the turkey kielbasa to not be very good. So this time although it’s already cooked I baked it in the oven for a while before putting it on my pizza. That gave it a little more flavour. I had it with a beer while watching episodes 11 to 15 of Batfink.

            In episode 11, Fatman is robbing all the exclusive Fat Men’s Clubs in the city. In the last robbery Fatman stole the contents of the safe but the police are puzzled how he got out of the room since all the doors were locked. Batfink’s super sonar determines that Fatman left via the transom and since a fat man wouldn’t be able to do that Batfink concludes that Fatman is really a skinny man in a fat suit. Batfink figures that Fatman will rob the Diogenes Club next because he’s been working in alphabetical order. Batfink enters the club wearing a Batfat suit and asks the clerk to put his valuables in the safe. But it turns out that the clerk is Fatman. He robs the safe, deflates his suit and tries to escape but Batfink stands in his way. He knocks Batfink onto a stretching machine, straps him in and turns it on. Fatman escapes but then Batfink slips out of his suit and frees himself. He catches up with Fatman who shoots a cannon at him but Batfink always carries an extra inflatable suit. He expands it and the cannonball bounces back to hit Fatman. 

            In episode 12, a maharani is about to purchase the most expensive tiara in the world when Hugo Agogo uses his latest invention, a Tickle Stick. It causes the maharani to laugh so hard that Hugo can easily take the crown. Batfink sends his super sonar to locate Hugo but Hugo tickles the Beep and it comes back laughing. It can however point to what looks like it was Hugo’s hideout last time. Karate tries to break down the door but gets tickled and falls down a trap door. Hugo’s Kitchy Koos also attack Batfink and he begins laughing. But he finally knocks the Ks off the Kitchy Koos and regains control long enough to turn Hugo’s tickler on Hugo and make him laugh his way to jail. When Batfink destroyed the Ks of the Kitchy Koos he turned them into Itchy oos that caused Batfink to scratch. 

            In episode 13, ships begin sinking in the harbour. Hugo has a submarine that can tunnel into the ships’ hulls and then simply lower all the valuable goods into the sub. When he leaves there are holes in the bottoms of the ships he robs and so they sink. The police chief says either Lloyd Bridges has flipped or it’s Hugo. Batfink disguises the bottom of a raft to make it look like the hull of a ship and then he and Karate wait for Hugo on top. But Batfink falls through Hugo’s tunnel and is knocked out. In Hugo’s hideout Batfink is tied to a target so Hugo can use him for harpoon target practice. His pet octopus retrieves the harpoons. Then Hugo puts Batfink into his shark tank. But Batfink wraps himself in his wings of steel and breaks the shark’s teeth. Batfink corners Hugo but karate arrives and knocks the door on top of Batfink so they are both captured. Out on the ocean they are tied to a floating target. Hugo fires a torpedo at them but Hugo’s pet octopus thinks he’s playing fetch and grabs the torpedo with a tentacle to bring it back to Hugo where it explodes. 

            In episode 14, Gluey Louis steals Benjamin Franklin’s kite and when the cops chase him he glues their feet to the ground. Batfink searches for Louis with his super sonar but Louis glues the Beep. Batfink can get no info from it but since the glue on the Beep is still wet he surmises that Louis’s hideout is nearby. Louis glues Batfink to a wall then is about to shoot him with Sitting Bull’s arrow when Batfink pulls up the floorboards he’s stuck on to act as a shield. Louis escapes in his car and glues the road but Batfink lifts the Batillac and flies over it landing in front of Louis’s car causing it to crash.

            In episode 15, Mama Hubbard is a parody of Zsa Zsa Gabor and she owns an exclusive jewellery shop. But she finds her jewellery cupboard is bare. Brother Goose sends a taunting rhyming note to identify himself as the robber. Batfink’s super sonar finds Brother Goose’s hideout but Brother Goose traps karate and then drops a safe disguised as Humpty Dumpty on Batfink but Batfink is protected by his wings. However Brother Goose has tied Karate to a giant lit fire cracker. Brother Goose escapes then Batfink dumps water on the firecracker. Batfink knocks Brother Goose’s helicopter out of the sky. 

            Karate’s voice and that of the chief of police were done by Len Maxwell, who began as a touring stand-up comedian. He recorded the album Merry Monster Christmas. He co-wrote, co-produced and did all the voices for the Academy award winning animated short The Crunch Bird. He co-starred in the TV Christmas special The Night the Animals Talked. He co-wrote What’s Up Tiger Lily? He was the voice of the host of Celebrity Deathmatch. He was Neil Sedaka’s manager. He did voices for over 25,000 commercials, including Punchy the Hawaiian Punch mascot.