Jonathan Kimmel

            On Sunday morning I was a little more flexible than the day before, as I have been every day since my bike accident on Monday. 

            I continued to work on memorizing “Ballade de la chnoufe” (Ballad of the Snuff) by Boris Vian. I finished the sixth verse yesterday but today I had to work on solidifying that verse in my mind before moving on to the seventh verse.

            I continued to work on memorizing Zizi Jeanmaire’s monologues in her performance of “Les millionaires” by Serge Gainsbourg. It’s easier if I shape the text into five line verses, in which case I’ve almost nailed down the first verse. 

            I weighed 89.2 kilos before breakfast. 

            I played my Martin acoustic during song practice for the first of two sessions and it only had to be tuned at the beginning and again halfway through.

            Around midday I cleaned the warm mist humidifier that I’ve been using all week and set the other one running for this week. 

            I got a message from the landlord about me playing my music too loud. I assume Jacob in unit 1 upstairs complained again but he also plays his music loud. I turn my music down anytime he asks but it’s kind of meaningless when the landlord says to turn it down because he just says to keep my music so only I can hear it. More than half the tenants in the building play music that can be heard outside their apartments. 

           I ordered some Libbey Gibraltar glassware from a company called Tzanet. I accessed an app to track the order with my phone and was told it was delivered two hours earlier. Nothing was delivered so I emailed them. I got a message back that they just got a new website and it was a mistake. They’ll send me a tracking number tomorrow. 

            I weighed 89.8 kilos before lunch. I had Sky Flakes crackers with the last of the blue cheese and a glass of iced tea. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. 

            I weighed 88.85 kilos at 18:15, which is the lightest I’ve been in the evening since December 26.

            I was caught up in my journal at 19:04. 

            I almost finished reviewing the second cassette of the recording of my first 20,000 Poets Under the League poetry slam. It was really quite a magical night. 

            I published my “Ne me quitte pas (acoustic) Movie Maker project. 

            I opened my “2024-09-06 Song Practice” Movie Maker project and deleted all the songs that came before “Please Don’t Quit Me Now” and then saved the project as “Please Don’t Quit Me Now (acoustic). I isolated the song, added a fade to black effect and tomorrow I’ll publish it. 

            I made pizza on naan with marinara sauce, tomato pesto, two chopped pepperoni sticks, five-year-old cheddar and some goat cheese. I had it with a glass of Creemore while watching the 28th season finale of South Park. 

            Stan goes to see the counselor at South park Elementary, who is Jesus but who has changed into a metal head redneck. Stan says it’s been a shitty year and everyone has changed for the worst. He’s thinking of sharing his turkey trot winnings with everyone because he thinks they need a Christmas miracle. Jesus says, “It sounds like some socialist bullshit”. He adds, “Nothing miraculous is gonna happen to anyone”. Christ’s new girlfriend Peggy Rockbottom arrives with a bottle of wine and Jesus is mad at her for taking so long. 

            Meanwhile at the White House, Satan is happily singing, “The crib is decorated and the nursery’s all planned. I put holly on the diapers with all the love I can. Tiny dreams in tinsel glow. What’s more special than a new baby at Christmas time? Don the wipes and mistletoe, there’s so much to be done. We’ll drink eggnog and cacao when labour has begun. So many reasons to be glad and I’ll be having one. A new baby at Christmas time. I will love the baby and so will its dad. We will be so…” But then Satan realizes Trump isn’t there and he finds out he’s gone to South Park. Satan is very upset and says in tears that Donald is a piece of shit. You really know someone is a piece of shit when Satan thinks they’re a piece of shit. 

            Trump and Vance are posing as a Salvation Army Santa and an elf outside of the Park County Police Station where Peter Thiel is being held because Thiel knows how to kill Trump’s baby. 

            Peggy Rockbottom is singing at the old folks home where the Marsh family is living with Randy’s father. She has a black eye with make up over it and one assumes she’s been battered by Jesus. She sings, 

“A Christian woman knows her place 

so go ahead and punch me in the face

Cause I deserved it

I was wrong

So that’s why I wrote this holiday song

With my big fake tits

and my Botox lips

saying Merry Christmas Jesus Christ”

            Stan leaves and goes to the bathroom where he looks down the toilet and asks Mr. Hanky to appear for a Christmas miracle. Suddenly there is a magical light display and the Woodland Critters appear. We haven’t seen them for 14 years and although cute they are worshippers of Satan and are there to ring in the birth of the antichrist. 

            Satan is doing his and Trump’s laundry in the White House and finds a little blue jockstrap with JV on it. Satan wonders whose it is when he hears a weak voice say, “It’s Vance”. It’s Towelie lying crumpled and soiled on a pile of dirty laundry. He tells Satan that Trump and Vance want to kill the baby. Towlie’s voice is weak because he has been used as Trump’s cum rag. Satan washes him and demands to know everything. Towelie says he needs to get high first and after he’s had a toke he’s back to normal. The woodland critters promise Stan that the crap out of Satan giving birth to the Antichrist is the Christmas miracle he’s been hoping for. Stan has nothing else and so he goes along with them. Towelie tells Satan that Vance thinks the baby will hurt his chances of becoming president. Satan asks why Trump didn’t just say he didn’t want the baby. Towlie says that it’s a bad look when Republicans are against babies being born. Towelie starts describing how Trump and Vance have been having sex when Satan stops him and says he’ll make him pay. Towlie says, “Let’s go get that motherfucker!”

            Trump, still dressed as Santa goes to the police station to give a cake to Thiel, and Chief Harris allows it. It contains a phone so Trump can communicate with Thiel. Satan arrives and confronts Trump. He also tells Vance that Trump has genital warts. Vance says he doesn’t care about genital warts and still loves Trump. Then Jesus arrives like a comet from the sky and tells Satan to keep his hands off his president because he’s protecting the US from fags. Towelie asks, “What the hell happened to Jesus?” Stan answers, “He’s all Christian now”. Jesus pulls out his electric guitar, uses it to form a sphere around himself, Trump and Vance, then they all disappear. 

            Satan goes into labour so they take him to a hospital. Jesus uses his electric guitar to blast into the police station and to bust Peter Thiel out. At the hospital, Satan says that all he wanted was a Christmas miracle in his baby. And now Trump has Jesus on his side. The Woodland Critters say Trump may have Jesus but they’ve got Stan. Trump, Vance, Hegseth, Thiel and Jesus arrive at the hospital. They go to the sixth floor and approach room 67 where Satan is but their way is blocked by Stan, Towelie and the Woodland Critters. Stan tells Jesus he doesn’t know what happened to his spirit of Christmas but obviously he gave up and hit rock bottom. Jesus says, “Peggy was asking for it!” I assume they named her Peggy Rockbottom just so they could use that play on words. Jesus realizes he was wrong and changes sides to confront Trump. 

            The doctor announces that the fetus decided to commit suicide by hanging itself. Fox news reports that’s just what fetuses do sometimes. At the White House Trump celebrates while Satan mourns. Satan packs and leaves the White House. 

            At the retirement home Stan receives a letter from Jesus: “Dear Stan, I’m writing this because I owe you an apology and a thank you. You asked for a Christmas miracle and I didn’t listen so now go to this address...” Stan goes to a house that has “Merry Christmas Stan” written in Christmas lights. Inside the envelope is a key. It’s his family’s house with everything still there including Stan’s bedroom. Stan goes outside and looks up at the sky to say “Thank you!” The stars form the shape of Jesus, who tells him he’ll be watching over everybody and urges him to be good and never give up on what he’s committed to. Peggy Rockbottom also forms in stars beside Jesus and sings her song and Stan sings along as he goes back in the house, “Go ahead and punch me in the face…” 

            One of the credited consultants on this episode is Jonathan Kimmel, who is the younger brother of Jimmy Kimmel. He was a writer for six seasons of South Park and did several voices, including that of his brother Jimmy. He was the head writer and the co-executive producer for the Andy Milonakis Show. He did voices, is executive producer, show runner and composer for Crank Yankers. He was also in the cast of Jimmy Kimmel Live. He co-wrote the song “Joel the Lump of Coal” with the Killers and directed the music video.