Ken Darby

            On Tuesday morning I saw a lot of bedbugs. My landlord should be in jail for his negligence. 

            I worked out the chords for the chorus of “La complainte de Bonnot” by Boris Vian. That probably completes the chord pattern for the song but I’ll find out for sure tomorrow. 

            I weighed 90.2 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since June 29. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune about half the time. 

            I sanded the inside edge and the underside where the glass sits of my future bathroom mirror frame to prepare it for painting. I discovered a few days ago after thinking that I’d finished painting the frame that some of the unpainted underside of the mirror frame is visible in the reflection. I’d never really noticed before but the big mirrors above my mantles also show the unpainted undersides of the frame. 

            I weighed 90.75 kilos before lunch. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and as I was passing Long and McQuade I saw my old friend Tom Smarda. The last time I saw him was about a year and a half ago when he came to my book launch. He’s looking old and gaunt. We chatted for about ten minutes. He says he’s preparing for his annual camping trip up north and was just buying some extra guitar strings. 

            When I got home I went over to the liquor store to buy a six-pack of Creemore. 

            I weighed 89.2 kilos at 18:00. July 5 was the last evening when I was so easy on the scale. 

            I was still a day behind in my journal and worked on getting caught up but remained behind at suppertime. 

            It was too hot to use the stove so I just had a cold chicken leg with chips, salsa and skyr, plus a glass of Creemore lager while watching season 10, episode 17 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            During the audience warmup someone asks Carol if her kids are interested in showbusiness. She says she’d encourage them because she’s having a good time but not until they finish school. They all did get into the business in different ways. 

            Someone asks Carol if her hair is naturally red. She pretends to avoid the question but shakes her head and shows her roots. 

            In the Mr. Tudball-Mrs. Wiggins sketch, Mr. Tudball can see through his office window that his secretary Mrs. Wiggins is just sitting at her desk and staring into space. He asks her what she’s doing and she says she’s getting ready to go to lunch. She has a date and is thinking of what restaurant he should take her. Tudball asks what happened to her husband. She says they split up a couple of weeks ago. He asks sarcastically if they argued about the theory of relativity. She says without understanding that his relatives had nothing to do with it. Tudball tells her that there are still fifteen minutes before lunch and suggests that she do some work. She says she can sharpen some pencils. The sharpener is on the wall and she moves her behind to the rhythm of turning the crank. Her date Arnold (played by Rock Hudson) arrives with flowers. She says she told him not to pick her up until noon. She tells him to stand in the corner and so he does, facing the wall like a child in school being punished. Tudball puts his hand on Wiggins’s shoulder and tells Arnold they make a nice couple. Arnold tells Tudball that if he doesn’t take his arm off her shoulder he’s going to take his arm off his shoulder. Arnold says they’re having lunch on his yacht. He owns a chain of 120 hardware stores. Wiggins says boats make her sick and she wants to have lunch at the Chili Schnitzel. Wiggins goes to get washed up and Tudball tells Arnold that he met Wiggins two years ago in the hospital when she was in for some brain tests. Wiggins is ready to go but the phone rings and it’s for her. She says “Yeah” four times and then hangs up. She orders Arnold to go and stand in the corner again. She tells Tudball that it was her husband on the phone and they are getting back together. She wants Tudball to break it to Arnold but Tudball suggests she tell him herself. She says her husband doesn’t want her to talk with strange men. Tudball tells him and then Arnold falls to his knees starts begging Wiggins not to leave him. She says “No!” and he says there’s nothing left to live for. But then an attractive woman comes into the office by mistake looking for a different business and suddenly Arnold gives her the flowers he brought for Wiggins and follows her out. 

            Steve Lawrence sings “You Take My Heart Away” by Bill Conti, Ayn Robbins, and Carol Connors from the 1976 film Rocky. 

            Carol and Rock play Linda and Steve Bradshaw, a married couple who are also news anchors. She’s mad at him and expresses it through her reading of the headlines while he responds in kind. Every line of their argument is a quote of someone in the news. He speaks of storm warnings and advises extreme caution. She says divorce rates are up because of middle aged husbands who are insecure about their masculinity. He says a study shows that women who compete for men’s jobs suffer from a loss of sex appeal. He confesses his transgression and asks for forgiveness through his reading of the headlines. She says later she’ll be hosting For Housewives Only when she’ll be discussing "Making His Guilt Your Gain". 

            Carol, Harvey, Vicki, and Tim come out in black formal wear to give what looks like a classical performance. They proceed to do the 1939 song “In The Mood” by Wingy Manone, Andy Razaf, and Joe Garland but they do it entirely in chicken voices (bahk bahk bahk), with Carol doing the lead and the others doing the harmonies. 

            Vicki and Harvey play a married couple who have arranged to meet another couple played by Carol and Steve in a restaurant. Vicki and Harvey have chosen Carol and Steve to serve as the guardians of their children in case anything should happen to them. Up until now they have avoided taking planes, trains, or even elevators together so their kids don’t lose both parents at the same time. Carol and Steve speak of how honoured they are and how much they love Vicki and Harvey’s children. But Carol presents herself as a heavy drinker and she and Steve argue over the slightest thing. Carol suggests Steve is cheating on her. Vicki and Harvey leave the table briefly and Carol and Steve discuss that they think their plan is working to scare Vicki and Harvey away from having them be guardians of their brats. Vicki and Harvey return and say they’ve made up their minds. Carol and Steve argue just as much as they do and they think that it would make their kids feel right at home to have them as guardians.

            Their musical tribute is to the songs of Jule Styne. They begin with “Everything’s Coming Up Roses” with lyrics by Stephen Sondheim from the 1959 musical Gypsy. Steve and Harvey sing “Together (Wherever We Go)” and “All I Need is the Girl” from the same musical. Harvey and Vicki sing the 1945 song “It’s Been a Long Long Time” with lyrics by Sammy Cahn. Carol and Steve sing “It’s Magic” with lyrics by Cahn from the 1947 film Romance On the High Seas. Rock sings “People” with lyrics by Bob Merrill from the 1964 musical Funny Girl. Steve sings “Comes Once in a Lifetime” with lyrics by Betty Comden and Adolph Green from the 1961 musical Subways Are for Sleeping. Carol sings “I’m Just a Little Girl from Little Rock” with lyrics by Leo Robin from the 1949 musical Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Then she sings “I’ve Heard That Song Before” with lyrics by Cahn from the 1942 film Youth On Parade. Then she sings “Small World” also from Gypsy. Then “The Second Time You Meet” with lyrics by Cahn from the 1957 musical Say Darling (except Carol changes the lyric from “We have so much in common” to “We have nothing in common”. Rock and Carol sing “You Are Woman I Am Man” with lyrics by Merrill from Funny Girl. They kiss but then Steve separates them and sings “You’re My Girl” with lyrics by Cahn from the 1947 musical High Button Shoes. But she grabs Rock and sings, “You’ll Never Get Away From Me” from Gypsy. The sing the 1941 song “I Don’t Want to Walk Without You Baby” with lyrics by Frank Loesser. Steve grabs another girl and sings, “Just in Time” with lyrics by Comden and Green from the 1956 musical Bells Are Ringing. Vicki sings to Harvey “The Party’s Over” from Bells Are Ringing. Harvey sings “Five Minutes More” with lyrics by Cahn from the 1946 film Sweetheart of Sigma Chi. Everybody sings “Bye Bye Baby” with lyrics by Leo Robin from the 1949 musical Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. 

            The Ernie Flatt Dancers always appear to be singing during chorus segments but apparently they were always lip synching to vocals by the Ken Darby Singers who were not credited. 

            Ken Darby founded The King’s Men in 1929. They performed on radio (Fibber McGee and Molly from 1940 to 1953), on records, in film (Honolulu in which they parodied The Marx Brothers musically), and later on TV. His group The Ken Darby singers can be heard on Bing Crosby’s recording of “White Christmas”. He was a writer and production supervisor for Walt Disney. He was musical and choral director for Song of the South. With lyricist Gordon Jenkins he wrote several songs, including “How the West Was Won”, “Whispering Wind”, and “Make Mine Music”. He was the main composer and lyricist for the Elvis hit “Love Me Tender”, although he was not credited. He co-scored The King and I, South Pacific, Porgy and Bess, Flower Drum Song, and Camelot. He wrote the theme song and the soundtrack for the shows The Life and Legend of Wyatt Earp and The Adventures of Jim Bowie. He was Marilyn Monroe’s vocal coach for Gentlemen Prefer Blondes and There’s No Business Like Show Business. His film scores won three Oscars and one Grammy. He wrote The Brownstone House of Nero Wolfe in 1983.