Herb Voland

            On Saturday morning I ran through singing and playing “S'il pleauvait des larmes” (If Our Tears Made Rainfall) by Boris Vian. Tomorrow I’ll upload it to my Christian’s Translations blog. 

            I published “Lost on the Asphalt”, my translation of “Asphalte” by Serge Gainsbourg on my Christian’s Translations blog and I posted the lyrics on Facebook. There are twenty Gainsbourg songs left to learn and complete my project of translating all of his songs. I memorized the first verse of his song “Tombée des nues” (Falling from the Clouds). 

            I weighed 87.85 kilos before breakfast. 

            Around midday I hitched my bike trailer and rode to No Frills. I tried earlier to find a cheaper price than No Frills for cherries. On Thursday Priscilla the cashier at Freshco had found them on her phone for me for “$4.39 a kilo” but I couldn’t find where that was, so I got six bags at No Frills for $5.38 a kilo. I also bought a pack of raspberries, a pack of strawberries, bananas, a container of skyr, and two bags of Miss Vickie’s chips. I looked all through the personal care section for shaving gel but it was nowhere to be found. When I got to the checkout I saw that it was with the razors in the locked cabinet at the front. I got the pretty young lady in charge to give me a container of Edge. I asked why they keep it there and she said for safety. I asked, “Do people steal shaving gel above other things?” I guess when they track the thieves they don’t have to look for people with beards. 

            I weighed 88.4 kilos before lunch. I had pita crackers with five-year-old cheddar and a glass of low sugar iced tea. 

            In the afternoon I took a bike ride downtown and back. They’ve cleared the way along Bloor all the way to Yonge now and there’s no more detour at Spadina. 

            I weighed 87.6 kilos at 17:30. 

            I was caught up on my journal at 18:22. 

            I took my camera and tripod out to look for people to put on video for my project. I walked to Sorauren and then back to Elm Grove. The sun had gone behind the clouds by the time I got back to my place. I stood in front of my building waiting for the sun to come out again and was a approached by a young man who I didn’t recognize but shook my hand as if we were old friends. That meant he was either a panhandler or a religious nut and he turned out to be the latter. He told me I was the anchor of my family and then said a bunch of stuff about god followed by “amen”. Then thankfully he walked away. The sun hadn’t come out and so I went upstairs but then it suddenly came out again and so I peed and then made another trip to Sorauren before going home to stay. 

            I uploaded the video of my electric performance of “La jambe de bois” to YouTube. 

            I digitized the cassette tape of the multiple takes of “Instructions for Electroshock Therapy” at Mike’s Place with me on guitar and Mike on drums. 

            I made pizza on a roti with Basilica sauce and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a beer while watching season 5, episodes 13 and 14 of Bewitched. 

            Darrin accuses Endora of being discourteous because of the way she always drops in without warning. She tells him he could give lessons in rudeness. Samantha tells her mother that she brings out a side of Darrin that no one ever sees and that he’s actually very courteous and chivalrous. Endora casts a spell on Darrin to show just how courteous he could be. At work he is courteous to an annoying degree. The one person who appreciates his gallantry is the client Adrienne Sebastian of Adrienne Sebastian Cosmetics. But her advertizing manager Charlie Traynor makes the decisions. Darrin tries to pitch an emphasis on beauty while Traynor thinks the campaign should bluntly say, “Use Adrienne Sebastian cosmetics or be ugly”. Adrienne wants to hear Darrin’s pitch but Traynor doesn’t have the patience and so they leave, resulting in Larry firing Darrin. When Darrin comes home not depressed or angry but still full of politeness, Samantha realizes he is under a spell. She calls for her mother but gets no response. Then Adrienne shows up and offers Darrin her account independently of McMann and Tate. Samantha casts a spell to compel Larry to come over and apologize. Before he gets there Endora reverses the spell she put on Darrin. Larry apologizes and then Adrienne returns but when she sees Darrin and Larry together she thinks Larry firing Darrin was just a clever gimmick to get her account. She says she’s not going to give them the account. Darrin presents her with the folder containing the campaign anyway. She refuses to accept it but Samantha makes her change her mind. Darrin and Larry are best friends again. 

            Traynor was played by Herb Voland, who studied at the American Theatre Wing before beginning his career on Broadway. He acted on television during its golden age in the late 1940s. Later he played Neil Ogilvie on Arnie, General Crandell Clayton on M.A.S.H, Henry Masterson on Mr. Deeds Goes to Town, and Dr. Butler on The Mothers in Law. 

            In the second story Darrin’s mother Phyllis has arranged for Samantha to have a maid so she can socialize more to promote Darrin’s career. For instance Mrs. Endicott Otis’s husband practically runs the community so she thinks she should be friends with her. Samantha agrees with Phyllis but just to put her off and promises to look into getting a maid next week. But Phyllis says she’s already arranged for a few prospects to come by for interviews this afternoon. The first one is Mrs. Harper who is very aggressive and treats Samantha like she’s the maid. She says she’ll take the job until she finds out Samantha has a child, then she tells her she’s failed the interview. Then a little almost elderly woman named Amelia arrives. She is humble, sweet, and finds the greatest challenges rewarding. She says she’ll take the job. Darrin comes home and he and Samantha agree to fire Amelia after dinner. But dinner was so good neither of them can bring themselves to dismiss her that night. The next day Endora tries to help Samantha discourage Amelia by making a mess of both the living room and kitchen. Amelia comes home and is surprised but tackles the problem head on. Then Phyllis comes with Mrs. Leslie Otis. Samantha has them stay for lunch to burden Amelia even more. Then Samantha casts a spell on Amelia to cause her to clean up at super speed. Leslie is so impressed with how Amelia tackled the disaster and then fixed an amazing lunch in half an hour that she sneaks into the kitchen to try to offer to pay her double to quit and work for her. Amelia is about to turn her down but Samantha casts a spell to make her say yes. It’s a strangely abrupt ending.