Nostalgia

            On Thursday morning, though still miserable from my cold I was a lot stronger than I’ve been in several days. Lately I’ve been hobbling weakly around and groaning after attempting to do just about anything. This time I was whipping around the place at close to normal speed. I was still pretty stuffed up but my energy was back.

            I watched the last four episodes of the 20^th season of South Park.

            The seventh show begins on election night as the results show that Mr Garrison has been elected president of the United States. The only town where votes were not counted is Fort Collins, Colorado, which was recently hacked by the Danish and which is in such a state of chaos that the government has built a wall around to keep everyone in.

            Government agents come for Gerald Brovlofsky and escort him away. He thinks he is under arrest but they take him to Hillary Clinton. She needs Gerald to go to Denmark undercover and to steal their Troll-Trace technology so she can use it against Mr Garrison. They give him a briefcase containing an EMP device, which he is supposed to set off at a certain time, once he is in the Troll-race server room

            Randy Marsh goes to Mr Garrison’s house. Caitlin Jenner answers the door and Randy demands to see him. He confronts him about his presidential win, which they had agreed was not going to happen. Garrison seems like he’s in a trance and says that he changed his mind because the new Star Wars was actually really good. Cailin says that some people enjoy nostalgia and going back to what feels comfortable. Randy turns to argue with her but she vomits a stream of member berries into his face, causing him to go into a trance as well. Later Randy does the same thing to convert his wife and daughter.

            Gerald contacts his kids to say he’s going away for a while but Kyle says he needs him to stay because he’s confused. Gerald tells him that he’s always saying he’s confused or guilty about something and reminds him that as a kid he should stop being such a pussy and just laugh and make fun of shit like kids are supposed to do.

            At South Park Elementary there is a school assembly addressed by Bill Clinton who says that even though he didn’t get to be the United States of America’s first gentleman he wants all the boys to join his new gentleman’s club. Then he brings out Bill Cosby and they do a song and dance together about the club.

            Gerald goes to Denmark and at Troll-Trace headquarters he is told he is welcome to go and look at their servers. He enters the room and while taking photos he is surprised to run into not only Dildo Shwaggins, but also the other trolls that had previously helped him Troll Lego. They had each been fed the same line by Hillary Clinton but in reality she had sold them out to Denmark in exchange for them not using Troll-Trace against the United States. At 9:30, all of their briefcases go off, but instead of an EMP device, it’s a video of Rick Astley singing “Never Gonna Give You Up”.

            Eric decides that the only way he can keep Heidi from finding out his internet history is to take her to Mars. So they go together to visit Space-X.

            The beginning of the eighth show finds president elect Mr Garrison emerging from plastic surgery, where he has gone to be made to look more presidential. As Caitlin Jenner walks in to see him a machine is just lowering the final touch: an orange toupee onto his head. He demonstrates for her how they really worked on his stank face, which is a kind of a pout he will use when he doesn’t know what the hell anyone is talking about.

            Eric and Heidi arrive at Space-X and he asks the receptionist to confirm that Mars has shitty wi-fi. The guy says, “That’d be an understatement.” Eric tells him, “We’d like to go to Mars as soon as possible!” The receptionist instructs them to take a number and join the others. Eric is surprised. “Others?” He looks over and sees that there is a room full of people waiting, including a woman wearing the headdress of a First Nations chief and singing into a microphone. The receptionist explains, “A lot of people want to leave the earth right now!” Eric looks disgusted and barks, “Goddammit is that Cher?”

            At South Park Elementary, PC Principal is sitting alone in his office, when he suddenly knocks everything of his desk and exclaims, “Goddamit! How could this happen?” Mr Mackie comes and tells him someone wants to speak with him. He tries to insist he doesn’t want to be disturbed but Mackie tells him it’s the president elect, who enters the room with two secret service agents. The principal says, “Have a seat Mr Garrison!” Garrison gives him a stern look and says, “Excuse me?” “Please have a seat Mr … president!” “That’s better bitch!” “I certainly want to congratulate you on …” “Do you remember the day you fired me, PC Principal?” “I’m sorry that your position here at the school was terminated …” “Are you? Are you really sorry? Because you helped create me. You insisted that I was a bigot. But now, I am your president, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned about being president is that your penis can get really dry. When all the skin on your penis has dried out from working so hard to get elected there’s only one thing that can fix it, isn’t there? Saliva from a good friend who once doubted you. I need you to fix my problem PC Principal so that we can be even Stevens. What you say about that?”

            Gerald is still being held prisoner in Denmark along with the other trolls, but he has access to his phone and uses it to call his adopted Canadian son, Ike and to get him to log on to the school message board as Skankhunt42. Then he tells him some nasty things to post. His strategy is that if the Danish see that Skankhunt42 is still active, then it can’t be him and so they will let him go. As Ike is typing what he’s told, his mother comes in, sees what he’s doing and immediately concludes that Ike is the troll that everyone’s been looking for.

            Garrison gets a tour of the Pentagon. He is given the keys to the drone room and is told, “In there you can kill anyone on Earth remotely!” He’s told that in the satellite surveillance room he can monitor anyone’s conversation, live. “That’ll come in handy!”

            At Space-X, Eric and Heidi, along with several others are invited to step forward, along with several others and they are led on a tour of the facility by Elon Musk.

            Garrison gets a call from the British prime minister. Outside of his office we can see that buildings are burning. He warns Garrison not to eat the “memberries” because they get into your head and make you want to live in the past. Garrison yells, “Nobody gets into my head you limey bitch! Do not waste my time, cause I’ll have you here on a plane in five hours sucking my dick!” He hangs up. The prime minister’s secretary asks, “What did he say?” The prime minister says, “I believe they’ve eaten the “memberries!”

            The Space-X tour was very short and then Elon Musk says goodbye to the group. Eric asks, “What about going to Mars?” Musk says, “We’re still about ten years away from going to Mars.” Butters suddenly introduces Musk to Heidi and suggests that maybe she can help him get to Mars sooner because she’s “really smart and really funny”. Musk asks, “How funny?”

            Kyle comes home to find out from his mother that Ike is Skankhunt42, but he remembers Heidi’s emoji analysis and realizes that it can’t be Ike, so it must be his father.

            In show number nine, Kyle confronts his father and asks why he did. Gerald barks back, “Because it’s fucking funny! It’s called having a sense of humour and laughing! You should try it once in a while!” “Putting a penis in the mouth of a woman with cancer is funny? How?” “Because it’s so not funny! God! Pushing people’s buttons to get a reaction can be very good for society, Kyle!”

            With Space-X surrounded by a mob of people that want to leave the Earth as soon as possible, Heidi is trying to solve the company’s fuel energy problem. She standing in front of a gigantic white board that is covered in formulas.

            During a Sunday service, the Christian community of South Park are praying out loud to “god” to ask forgiveness for the things they’ve done online. All the men are praying the exact same thing in unison, “Please understand that we went on Ashley Madison out of curiosity and not because we wanted to have an affair!” Kyle walks in and confronts them, saying that we can’t let Denmark change who we are. The crowd is up for a moment until Kyle says, “You guys need to call the president and get him to take action!” Then the congregation are suddenly down again. “The president? He won’t listen to us!” But Randy Marsh stands up and says, “No, but there is someone he will listen to!”

            At the Pentagon, Mr Garrison is told that, “The Israeli prime minister is on line one, the chancellor of Germany is on line two and a Mr Slave is on line three!” He takes the call from Mr Slave, who tells him that people want him to bomb Denmark. Garrison tells him that he just can’t bomb Denmark. Mr Slave says, “Oh Jesus Christ, you’re such a little bitch!” “I’m the president, bitch!” “You’re the bitch president! You’re too scared to bomb anybody!” “I’m not scared! My advisors have told me …” “Yeah, you’re scared! Just do what your little advisors have told you!” “If I decide that a military strike on Denmark is warranted, I …” “You don’t have the balls to bomb them, pussy!” “Oh yeah? Well watch this you gay asshole!” He turns around and gives the order to bomb Denmark.

            Kyle has forgotten though that his father is in Denmark.

            At the Pentagon, Mr Garrison is told that the grand duke of Luxembourg is on line one; the chairman of the worker’s party is on line two and Kyle is on line three. He takes the call from Kyle, who insists that he can’t bomb Denmark. “Kyle, this is all very serious diplomatic stuff. You can’t understand the political complexities involved here!” “I understand you’re a dipshit little gay puppet, letting your ex-boyfriend influence you because you miss his sweet ass!” “Who told you that?” “Everyone knows that! You only do what your little bitch boyfriend manipulates you into doing!” “Kyle, I am the president!” “You’re a little dipshit president!” “Well, maybe I won’t bomb Denmark! What do you think about that?” “Yeah, you will, because you’re a little retarded shit bitch!” garrison stops the plan to bomb Denmark.

            At Space-X, Heidi doesn’t understand the formulas she’s trying to read, so in her head she’s changing them to emojis and then she realizes that the equation is out of sequence. She’s corrected their fuel formula.

            Gerald is talking privately with the leader of the Danish Troll-Trace company, who reminds him of when he trolled the entire country of Denmark. Then he asks, what if someone, for political reasons decided to troll the entire world. Then he reveals that he himself is a troll and that he’s not even Danish. He has invented Troll-Trace to troll the world. Gerald asks why he would deliberately start world war three. “Because it’s freaking hilarious!”

            In the season finale, Kyle and his friends begin a cyber attack on the Troll-Trace website.

            At Space-X, thanks to Heidi they now have an energy source to get them to Mars. But suddenly Eric doesn’t want to go because he is convinced that women plan to chain men underground to pump them for the only two things that women need from men: jokes and semen.

            At Troll-Trace, with just minutes before the servers go online, Gerald is told he can shut them down by hitting the breakers. But he’d\s locked in the conference room and hasn’t been able to figure out the key code to get out. A worker tells him, “The key code is 9 …” “Yeah?” “That’s it, 9” “Oh for fuck sake!”

            Garrison puts the powers of the Pentagon servers behind Kyle’s efforts to hack Troll-Trace, but it’s not enough power. Kyle tells Garrison that they can use the new energy source from Space-X.

            Gerald has one more breaker to hit but he is confronted halfway across a bridge by the mega troll. Gerald says, “Look you’re trying to prove that everyone is either a bad person or a stooge, right?” “That’s not what I’m doing! I’m showing everyone that all this stuff they freak out over doesn’t even matter!” “No, but see, that’s just nihilism!” “Oh come on! So if you do something outrageous with a positive attitude you’re a satirist, but if you’re cynical about it you’re a nihilist? That’s fucking ridiculous!” “Look, you’re trying to get people to go to war and kill each other!” “So maybe this is like the new post-funny era of satire!” Gerald walks up to him and tells him that there is only one difference between them, and then he kicks him in the balls, throws him over the railing to his death and shouts down after him, “What I do is funny bitch!” Then he hits the last breaker. Then the Pentagon reroutes the internet through Space-X, destroying Troll-Trace and the internet.

            Months later they have just relaunched the internet and a reporter is interviewing an old man on his porch who had the honour of sending the first new email. “Who did you send your email to sir?” I sent a picture to my friend, Thomas Winger, up in Connecticut.” “And what did you say to him sir?” “I showed him my dick and called him a fag!”