Robert Illes

            On Sunday morning I revised my translation of the first chorus of “La complainte de Bonnot” by Boris Vian. 

            I published on my Christian’s Translations blog “Je t’aime. Moi aussi” and my translation “I Love You. So Do I”. On Monday I’ll post my translation on Facebook and then look for the next Serge Gainsbourg song that I’ve failed to translate. The last song listed in my 1972 Gainsbourg document is “Une chanson de cour” but it was just written for a TV show skit and doesn’t seem to exist online. So tomorrow I’ll start searching in the 1973 file. 

            I weighed 90.45 kilos before breakfast, which is the heaviest I’ve been in the morning since June 29. 

            I played my Gibson Les Paul Studio during song practice and it stayed in tune more than half the time. 

            I met my friend Brian Haddon in front of my place at 14:00 and we walked over to The Mezz for lunch. We sat on the patio where unfortunately even there they had a big screen installed for the World Cup. But it wasn’t too bad until the last half hour we were there when it got noisy. We had poached eggs Mexican style under refried beans and guacamole with home fries and tortilla chips baked in cheese and it was very good. Just as our other favourite place The Artful Dodger stopped serving Creemore on tap, so has the Mezz. I told him that I’ve been listening to Sandy Denny and he was surprised to hear that she was once with Strawbs. He asked if that was before or after Rick Wakeman was in Strawbs and I was surprised that he had been a member. 

            After we left I walked Brian to Dufferin but once I saw that his bus was coming and that he’d be able to catch it I said goodbye because I was bursting with the need to pee. I went into the basement of the Burger Lab but their washroom was out of order. I was really worried that I was going to pee my pants. I walked up to the Alexandria Falafel and begged the guy to let me use the washroom. He just said to make sure the light was off when I was done. He was also occupied with the World Cup final and indifferent to me when I said thank you. 

            When I got home I immediately took a siesta. 

            I weighed 91.1 kilos at 19:05. 

            I was a day behind in my journal for the 11th day in a row. 

            I made pizza on multigrain sandwich bread with rosée tomato sauce, tomato pesto, wedge oven fries, and five-year-old cheddar. I had it with a glass of Creemore while watching season 11, episode 2 of The Carol Burnett Show. 

            I was disappointed that Harvey Korman had been replaced by Dick Van Dyke for the final season. I like Dick Van Dyke but Harvey Korman was a much better sketch comedian. 

            Tim Conway plays Danny Draft, Private Eye and we find him sleeping at his desk in an office that is carpeted with beer cans. There’s a knock on the door and wakes up to answer the phone. The knocking continues so he reports it to the operator. Then he realizes it’s the door but seems to have forgotten the location of his office door. He opens one door and it’s a closet with an avalanche of beer cans. He opens another and the same thing happens. What office even has one closet let alone two? It’s very hard to walk on his floor because of all the beer cans but he stumbles and slips and slides to the correct door and Carol comes in wearing sunglasses and a scarf. She says she has something to say and no one else can hear. He says he’ll go outside then. She says they’re trying to kill her and she needs his help. He asks why he would help to kill her when he doesn’t even know her. She says she has $1000 to pay him and he says, “That’ll cover the first year”. She says she’ll be lucky if she lives for a week so he says she’d better pay in advance. She says there are other ways to pay. “When was the last time you saw a body like this?” “When I went from bottles to cans”. “I suppose you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be with a woman”, “Not yet but I’m workin on it.” She says she thinks the killer followed her there and Danny looks out the window. Meanwhile we see that the killer is hiding in the closet. She shows Danny a ticking package she received. He takes it into the other closet, which he calls the bomb room. It blows up and he comes crashing through a window that wasn’t there before above the door. There’s a knock on the door and so he hides Carol in the closet where the killer is hiding and then answers it. It’s a couple looking for the sex clinic down the hall. When he comes back to the closet he’s holding his gun and it accidentally goes off, shooting through the door and killing the murderer. Then he accidentally shoots himself. 

            Steve Lawrence sings the 1974 song “Every Time I Sing a Love Song” by Jon English. 

            Then Dick Van Dyke comes out to greet him. That’s a first as it’s always been Carol, so it’s like Dick is not just a member of the cast but also a co-host. Dick tells Steve he’d give anything to be able to sing like him. Steve says anybody can do it and he can show him. He says, “Who do you think taught Eydie?” (A reference to his wife Eydie Gormé and obviously a joke since she was 7 years older than him and they were both professional singers before they met on The Tonight Show). Dick says, “I think you’re in a lot of trouble!” Steve says, “You’ve got to take a deep breath. It all starts in the diaphragm. You’ve got to bring it up from the diaphragm well behind the mask. Dick tries it and obviously deliberately fumbles, then insists again that he just can’t sing. Steve says he finds it hard to believe because Dick has so much rhythm. They duet on the song “Sing” by Marvin Hamlisch and from the 1975 musical A Chorus Line. When Dick finally sings a note it turns out to be a recording. 

            They do a series of skits of TV stars holding out for more money between seasons. 

            Dick plays a star confronting his producer (played by Tim) with his demands. Rick wants $250,000 an episode, a Rolls Royce, a waterbed in his dressing room, and 12.5% of the profits. Tim says they’ll just have to replace him but Dick laughs and points out that his picture is on all the lunchboxes, the posters, and T-shirts. If he tries to replace him the public will drop the show. Tim says someone auditioning to replace him is right outside in the waiting room. Dick looks and sees it’s Dick Van Dyke. Dick comes back and tears up his demands. Tim tells him to get him a coffee and shine his shoes. 

            Carol and Steve play two married actors who have already quit their shows. Carol says there are other things besides show business. They say they don’t want to be late. Carol takes off her gown and is wearing the uniform of a diner server and Steve puts on a chauffeur’s hat. 

            Dick plays a director at a table read with three actors played by Vicki, Tim, and Carol. When it’s time for Vicki’s line she says she’s walking off the show unless she gets a $2000 a week raise. She says she’s the only one on the show with her own comic book so without her it’s sunk. Dick gives her the raise and they continue the rehearsal. When it comes to Tim’s line he also says he’s walking. He says he wants a raise too and argues that the show is called “Here’s Father” and he plays the father. Dick agrees and he gets the raise. When it’s Carol’s line she gives Dick a look and before she speaks he tells her she can have a raise. But Carol says she wants one dollar more than anyone else on the show. Dick agrees but then Vicki says she wants a soda fountain in her dressing room. Tim says he wants a door to door limo and Carol says she wants a sauna in her dressing room. Then a bell rings and Dick days, “Class dismissed! Tomorrow I’ll teach you how to storm off a set, throw a tantrum, and lock yourself in your dressing room.” 

            They do a parody of the 1936 musical San Francisco. Dick plays Whitey who owns a small show bar. He is rehearsing with a leading lady when a straight laced looking woman named Fran Sancisco (played by Carol) comes in. Fran goes onstage and asks Whitey for a singing job. Whitey tells her he already has a female singer. Fran “accidentally” drops her suitcase on the other woman’s foot and then again on her other foot. Whitey wants to see Fran’s legs but she says, “No one has ever seen my legs!” He asks if she’s got good legs and she says, “I don’t know. I’ve never seen them either.” Whitey punches the piano player and explains to Fran that he always socks people he likes. A female dancer asks him for the time and after telling her he punched her. She walks away knowing he likes her. Whitey gives Fran a song to sing but she does it in a very formal style so he has to teacher her how to sing with pep and to say “Would’ja” instead of “Would you”. Tim plays Father Melon the singing priest and he sings every one of his lines. Every time Whitey tries to kiss Fran, Melon appears between them. He warns Fran never to kiss Whitey because something awful will happen. A week later Fran gives her first performance and she sings a parody of the “Theme from San Francisco” but in her formal style that the audience hates. Whitey comes out rips off one side of her gown. She then sings “San Francisco is a two faced woman ones a devil (she turns to show herself in her corset) and one’s a saint (she turns to show the gown) / San Francisco is a two faced woman, One’s an angel and the other one ain’t”. The audience loves it. Fran receives a note from Robert Snob (played by Steve) who is an upper crust type from Knob Hill. She meets Snob and when he’s wearing his pince-nez he speaks in an effeminate voice but when he takes it off his voice is deep and masculine. He tells Fran she shouldn’t be singing at Whitey’s place but in grand opera. He wants her to co-star in his opera. Whitey kicks Snob out and tells him not to come back. He tells Fran he loves her but she says he just wants to use her. He punches her though and now she knows he really does love her. He tries to kiss her but Melon swings in on a rope. Fran is dating Snob and comes to his lavish home in Knob Hill. He kisses her and she immediately falls asleep. He introduces Fran to his mother (played by Vickie) who he kisses on the cheek and puts to sleep. Mumsie tells Fran that she once fell for someone like Whitey but then she met Robert’s father and chose money and social standing over looks and passion. She indicates her son and says, “If you pick this yutz you’re out of your gourd!” Snob plays for Fran his new opera that takes place in Spain. He says it’s about a Romani woman who sells cigarettes. Fran asks the character’s name and Snob asks what she thinks of Carmen. Snob says Carmen rushes into the square with a rose in her teeth and he sings and plays her song. Fran points out that it’s a classic opera called Carmen and he thinks she complimenting him. Then Whitey arrives and the two men have a tug of war over Fran. Mumsie shouts out that her son still sucks his thumb and wets the bed. Fran declares she won’t be with either of them and says she’s leaving San Francisco. But after a few weeks she returns to Whitey. He kisses her and the great San Francisco earthquake begins. Everything is falling down around them and Fran says there is only one force in the world that can stop the disaster. Snob arrives, Fran says for him to kiss her and it puts the quake to sleep. Whitey punches Snob because he likes him now. The cast sings the San Francisco song and when Fran hits the high note the quake happens in reverse and everything comes back together. 

            One of the writers for The Carol Burnett Show was Robert Illes, who excelled in creative writing in high school. He studied Telecommunications and Journalism at the University of Southern California. He became a comedy newscaster for the KUSC student radio station. He co-hosted with James R. Stein the Stein and Illes Radio Show for three years and became very popular with the underground FM audience. At the same time they took a course in YV writing and got work for the Tennessee Ernie Ford Show. After their radio show was canceled they continued as TV writers. In 1972 they were hired for The New Bill Cosby Show. They co-wrote a Lili Tomlin Special for which they won Emmys. They wrote three episodes of Sanford and Son and created the character of Woody. They wrote for Van Dyke and Company and Fernwood 2Night for which they were nominated for Emmy Awards. Their work on The Carol Burnett Show earned them their second Emmy. They executive produced the sitcom Amen. Illes went solo in 1994 and wrote produced the sitcom Sister Sister. He co-created the series Goode Behaviour. He wrote several episodes of Family Matters. He married Barbara Pariot who was the voice of Valerie on Josie and the Pussycats. 

            The homeless guy who pretty much lives outside of my building was doing a whole spontaneous performance with two voices responding to each other one low and one high and in rhythm.