Noam Pitlik

            On Wednesday morning I memorized the third verse of “Belinda” by Serge Gainsbourg then reworked my translation of the chorus and some of the fourth verse. 

            I weighed 88.3 kilos before breakfast. I spent an hour working on my Shakespeare essay that is due next Monday. 

            I weighed 88.5 kilos before lunch. I had saltines with five-year-old cheddar and a glass of lemonade. 

            I finished a second run through the information I'd gathered for my Shakespeare essay. Now I can start writing with five days until it needs to be handed in. I think I am going to talk about Autolycus from The Winter's Tale as a crosser of borders of all sorts, whether physical, cultural, generic, professional or political. 

            I left a little before 16:00 for my bike ride. I rode to Yonge and Bloor and got back without having to turn the flashers on. After coming home I went out to the liquor store to buy a six-pack of Creemore and then a litre of milk. I weighed 88.1 kilos when I got home. 

            I started bringing together all my notes on Autolycus that fit into the theme of him crossing borders. There's actually a lot, since acting, wearing disguises, singing and even theft are all types of border crossing. I got a page and a half of writing done before my brain got tired. 

            I did a little more reading of As I Lay Dying but then I dozed off while sitting on the couch for about a half an hour before it was time to make dinner.

            I tried an experiment of making pizza on naan with Alfredo sauce instead of tomato. I added a cut-up steak and extra old cheddar, but it didn't work out as well as I'd hoped. I wouldn't say it was a disaster but Alfredo sauce works better on pasta. I had the pizza with a beer while watching an episode of Gomer Pyle. 

            This story was similar to two that appeared on The Andy Griffith Show and one that happened earlier on Gomer Pyle. All of them involved businesses that were fronts for criminal activities. In the case of Gomer Pyle the show before also had a restaurant but in that case it was a Chinese restaurant with a gambling operation in the kitchen. This time Gomer and Lou Ann step into a diner to have lunch but no one is upstairs. The reason is that the owners, Herb and Charlie are down in the basement trying to drill a hole in the wall to get to the bank vault next door. The door is not locked because Herb lost the key. When they hear Gomer calling upstairs, Charlie sends Herb up to get rid of him. Herb tells Gomer and Lou Ann that they've just opened and haven't bought food yet. All they have is the eggs they bought for themselves. Gomer says eggs will be fine. Herb starts trying to make eggs but doesn't know how and so Gomer shows them. After lunch Herb and Charlie think they've gotten rid of them but Gomer and Lou Ann decide that instead of going to a movie it would be more fun to help Herb and Charlie get their business started. They buy groceries and cleaning supplies and come back to the diner. Herb has to help Gomer and Lou Ann while Charlie stays downstairs under the pretense of working on the plumbing. Once the place is cleaned up and ready to open Herb and Charlie tell Gomer they still can't open until the weekend because of the plumbing problem. But Gomer and Lou Ann decide to help some more. Herb and Charlie smell bacon cooking and they go upstairs to see that Gomer has started cooking and customers are already there, including the guard from the bank. Gomer tells them he's planning a big opening night and he'll be inviting all his Marine buddies. Charlie decides that's perfect because the noise upstairs will cover the explosion when they blow out the wall to the bank. The night is a big success and the cash register is filling up. Charlie comes upstairs at 20:45 saying the timer on the bomb is set for 21:00 and so they stay in the diner to wait. But they don't notice Gomer go downstairs at 20:55 to help finish fixing the plumbing. After 21:00 Herb and Charlie go downstairs to find the basement flooded and so the water has rendered the dynamite useless. Herb and Charlie decide to give up crime and just stay in the restaurant business. 

            This scenario was apparently first done in the Edward G Robinson film, “Larceny Inc.”

            Herb was played by Noam Pitlik, who directed 102 episodes of “Barney Miller” (for which he won an Emmy Award, a Peabody Award, and a Directors Guild Award), 11 episodes of “Taxi”, 27 episodes of “Wings”, 44 episodes of “Mr. Belevdere”, and 18 episodes of “One Day At A Time.”