I weighed 88.1 kilos before breakfast.
It took me until after 10:00 to finish writing about the movie Shang Chi, which I'd watched last night.
It was already afternoon by the time I got around to doing any cleaning in the kitchen. I only had time to wash a few of the jars that go on the top shelf.
I weighed 87.1 kilos before lunch.
It had been snowing quite a bit all day and so in the afternoon it was too messy for a bike ride. I did some exercises at home while listening to episode five, season five of the Goon Show from October 26, 1954: The Affair of the Lone Banana.”
Seagoon: Mr. Greenslade!
Greenslade: Yes, Master?
Seagoon: Tell the masses what's the play.
Greenslade: Ladies and gentlemen...
Seagoon: Thank you. Yes, it's ladies and gentlemen in... 'The Affair of the Lone Banana'!
Sellers: Not a pretty story, I fear; still, the BBC will buy this cheap trash. The central character in this story is young Fred Nurke. His father, Lord Marks, made a fortune from the great Marks Laundry business.
Greenslade: The scene is the country home of the Marks country home, Matzos Lodge. A mystery has been committed, young Fred Nurke has vanished. Interrogating the residents is a man, tall, dark, handsome, swashbuckling, intelligent... No - it's Inspector Neddie Seagoon, late of the eighteenth century and part inventor of the steam-driven explodable hairless toupée.
Seagoon: Now then my man, your name is - er?
Headstone: Headstone, Gravely Headstone. My maiden name, you understand.
Seagoon: Headstone, you say Fred Nurke disappeared whilst having a boot of tea with his mother, Lady Marks.
Headstone: True - you might say he disappeared from under her very nose.
Seagoon: What was he doing there?
Headstone: It was raining.
Seagoon: Lady Marks. Where is her ladyship at the moment?
Headstone: M' lady hasn't got a ship at the moment, sir.
Seagoon: Send in Lady Marks.
FX: [Great heavy approaching footsteps]
Seagoon: Ah, Lady Marks, sit down.
Seagoon: Lady Marks, your late husband owned a banana plantation, yes?
Lady Marks: In South America.
Seagoon: That's abroad, isn't it?
Lady Marks: Well, it all depends on where you're standing.
Seagoon: Is it on the tube?
Lady Marks: Of course it's not on the tube.
Seagoon: Now you're talking.
Lady Marks: So are you, isn't it fun?
Barton: At the British Passport office in Whitechapel, Seagoon discovered that Fred Nurke had left for Guatemala on a banana boat - disguised as a banana.
Seagoon: That's true - I waited for the ship to return but he wasn't on board - he must have got off - at the other side! My next task was to book a ticket to South America. This I did at a shipping office in Leadenhall Street.
Seagoon: Good morning.
Henry: Thank you.
Seagoon: I want to book for South America.
Henry: Your name?
Seagoon: Neddie Pugh Seagoon.
Henry: N E D D I E... Neddie - what was next?
Seagoon: Neddie Pugh Seagoon.
Henry: Pugh, P H E W.
Seagoon: No no no, it's pronounced Phew but it's spelt PUGH.
Henry: Sea-dune wasn't it?
Seagoon: Yes... Seagoon S E A G O O N.
Henry: Could you spell it?
Seagoon: Certainly - S E A G O O N.
Henry: Now er - address?
Seagoon: No fixed abode.
Henry: No... F I X E D fixed... A B...
Seagoon: A B O D E.
Henry: What number?
Seagoon: 29A!
Henry: District?
Seagoon: London, SW 2.
Henry: No good, I'd better get a pencil and paper and write all this down. Minnie..! Minieeeeee!
Minnie: What is it, Henry?
Henry: A pencil, please.
Minnie: There you are buddy.
Henry: This gentleman is going to South America.
Minnie: Ohh - goodbye.
Henry: That's where young Fred Nurke went to.
Seagoon: Fred Nurke? That's Fred Nurke's name!
Henry: Oh! Yes, he went in such a rush he left this behind.
Seagoon: Let me see - a banana - a lone banana! So, now my task was easier - I knew that the man I was looking for was one banana short!
Greenslade: As a tribute to Seagoon's brilliant deductive powers, Max Geldray will now play a loaded sackbut from the kneeling position.
Max Geldray & Orchestra: [Musical interlude]
Greenslade: With the banana secreted on his person, Neddie Seagoon arrived at the Port of Guatemala where he was accorded the typical Latin welcome to an Englishman.
Moriarty: Hands up, you pig swine. [Spits]
Seagoon: Have a care, Latin devil - I am an Englishman. Remember, this rolled umbrella has more uses than one. Now, what's all this about?
Moriarty: It is the revolution señor - everywhere there is an armed rising.
Seagoon: Are you in it?
Moriarty: Right in it - you see señor, the united anti-socialist neo-democratic pro-fascist communist party is fighting to overthrow the unilateral democratic united partisan bellicose pacifist cobelligerant tory labour liberal party!
Seagoon: Whose side are you on?
Moriarty: There are no sides - we are all in this together. Now señor, if you don't mind - we must search you.
Seagoon: What for?
Moriarty: Bananas. You see señor, we guatemalians are trying to overthrow the foreign-dominated banana plantations in this country. Any foreigner found with a banana on him will be shot by a firing squad and asked to leave the country.
Seagoon (aside): Curses - I must think quick. Little does he know I suspect him of foul play.
Moriarty (aside): Little does he know I've never played with a fowl in my life.
Seagoon (aside): Little does he know that he has misconstrued the meaning of the word foul. The word foul in my sentence was spelt F O U L not F O W L as he thought I had spelt it.
Moriarty (aside): Little does he know that I overheard his correction of my grammatical error and I am now about to rectify it - aloud. [Ahem] So, you suspect me of foul play.
Seagoon: Yes - and you might as well know I'm here to find young Fred Nurke.
Moriarty: Sapristi nackos - that capitalistic pig! He's here, but you'll never -
Seagoon: Don't move, Signor Gonzales Mess, née Moriarty - hands up.
Moriarty: Seagoon, put that banana down!
Seagoon: And leave myself defenceless? One step nearer and I fire!
Moriarty: Ha ha, you fool - you can't fire bananas! It's -
FX: [Two shots]
Moriarty: You swine - it was loaded!
Seagoon: Now come on, tell me - where is Fred Nurke?
Sellers: When the Englishman awoke he found himself in a tall dark room with sideboards - it was a prison cell.
Seagoon: The only other occupant was another occupant - apart from that, he was the only other person. He was chained to the wall by a chain which was attached to the wall. He appeared to he a man of breeding and intellect.
Eccles: Ooo - who am I?
Seagoon: What's your name?
Eccles: Eccles.
Seagoon: That's who you are!
Eccles: Oooooooo.
Seagoon: Now, how can I get out of this place?
Eccles: Ah, well, there's dat door over dere.
Seagoon: Right, I'm away! By dawn I'll be safe! Now's the time for action! Nothing will stop me now - Farewell!
FX: [Door opens and closes. Terrific fusillade of shots, bombs, etc. Door opens and closes.]
Seagoon (panting): It's raining! - Tell me, is there any other way out of here?
Now, if we could get up to that window...
FX: [Chairs being stacked one on top of the other; this keeps going on in the background]
Greenslade: This operation might last some time as they will need to stack at least fifty to a hundred chairs if they are to reach up to the high window. No doubt, after about five minutes this sound will become very boring - BBC policy therefore decrees that in the interim we entertain you with songs from that well known tenor and market gardener - Mr. Cyril Cringinknutt.
Cringinknutt: Thank'yew Ricky Fulton. My first number tonight is that lovely melody from my latest record which I have just recorded. It is called 'Three Goons in a Fountain'- my melody please, Cyril -
Three Goons in a fountain - which one will the fountain drown - I have got a shop full of Schmutters -
FX: [All the chairs collapse in a terrific crash. Start stacking them up again.]
FX: [Door bursts open.]
Milligan: Stop, Stop. Silence - everyone silence - everyone back to their own beds. Now then, prisoner Seagoon, there is an English diplomat to see you here. This way, sir.
Bloodnok: I'm the British chargé d'Affaires - Major Bloodnok, late of Zsa Zsa Gabor's Third Regular Husbands. I've managed to secure your release. I completely overcame the prison guards.
Now, everybody onto this ten-seater horse.
FX: [Galloping hooves start and stop at once]
Bloodnok: Woah! Here we are. The Embassy.
Ellington: Oh, it's you, sir - am I glad you came back! Them rebels have been trying to chop down the banana trees in the garden.
Bloodnok (shouts): Dogs! Stand back. You latin devils you, begone, or by the great artificial paste earrings of Lady Barnett I'll come out there and cut you down - now get out, you latin devils!
Ellington: They all went about three hours ago.
Bloodnok: Never mind. That didn't stop me.
Seagoon: Gad, Bloodnok, I admire your guts.
Bloodnok: Why, are they showing?
Seagoon: Bloodnok, I seek Fred Nurke.
Bloodnok: Just one moment now - He's here to save the British banana industry. In fact, he went out alone, by himself, to dynamite the rebel H.Q.
Seagoon: Then all we can do is wait.
Bloodnok: Yes - Ellington? Play that naughty mad banjo man.
Ellington: Here goes -
Ray Ellington and Quartet: [Musical interlude: "Rainbow Tie"]
Sellers: In the grounds of the British Embassy, our heroes are dug in around the lone banana tree - the last symbol of waning British prestige in South America. They all anxiously await the return of Fred Nurke. Around them, the jungle night is alive with revels - and nocturnal sounds - rain in places, fog patches on the coast. Arsenal 2 - Chinese Wanderers 500.
Seagoon: It's this darkness! You can't see a thing!
Bloodnok: I know - for three hours now I've been straining my eyes, and I've only managed one page of the Awful Disclosures of Mariah Monk. Four rupees, in plain wrapper.
FX: [Lone cricket chirping]
Bloodnok: Listen - what's making that noise?
Seagoon: A cricket.
Bloodnok: How can they see to bat in this light?
Eccles: Major, a man's just climbed over the garden wall.
Bloodnok: A boundary! [Aloud] Well played, sir!
Seagoon: Bloodnok, you fool - that's no cricketer - he's possibly a rebel assassin.
Bloodnok: One of us must volunteer.
Well, who is it going to be, eh? Seagoon?
Seagoon: I'm terribly sorry - but I have a wife and sixty-three children.
Bloodnok: I too have a wife and children. That only leaves dear old -
FX: [Panicky rattling of telephone]
Eccles: Hello, hello, operator? Get me the marriage bureau. Hello?
Bloodnok: Let's face it - we've all turned yellow.
Ellington: You speak for yourselves.
Bloodnok: Ohh, I'm so sorry, Ellington, no offence. I know you Irishmen are very brave, I...
FX: [Phone rings]
Bloodnok: Don't answer that phone unless it's for me.
It was the rebel leader - Gonzales Mess, née Moriarty, he says unless we cut down our banana tree and hand it over to them - we shall all die tonight.
Eccles: Tonight? Why, dat's tonight!
Bloodnok: Yes, so it is. Fancy him thinking that I'd chop down the banana to save my lousy skin - ha! ha!
FX: [Hurried sawing of tree]
Seagoon: Bloodnok! Throw that saw away!
FX: [Hurried sawing of tree]
Seagoon: Eccles! Stop that! Where did you get that saw?
Eccles: From the sea - it's a sea-saw. Ha ha!
Seagoon: Silence! We've got to pull ourselves together - this banana tree is the last one in South America under British control!
Seagoon: Now, throw that saw over the wall.
FX: [Clang and thud as saw clouts nut]
Bluebottle: Ohhh - my nut - I have been hitted on my bonce - oh, I've been hitted I've been nutted -
Seagoon: Come out from behind that wall or I'll throw this at you.
Eccles: Put me down!
Bluebottle: Enter Bluebottle wearing crash helmet - pauses for audience applause - not a sausinge!
Seagoon: Who is this gallant little knight with unlaced LCC plimsolls?
Bluebottle: Who am I? I'm the one wot copped that dirty big saw on the nut. [Aside] Points to lump area.
Seagoon: Tell me, little jam-stained hero; do you know this jungle well?
Bluebottle: Yes - I do know the jungule - Tarzan Bluebottle, they call me. Lifts up sports shirt, shows well developed ribs and bones. Fills chest with air [breathes in] - feels giddy so puts on cardboard loin cloth for support.
Seagoon: Could you lead me to the rebel H.Q.?
Bluebottle: [Intimate] I can show you the very spot.
Seagoon: [Intimate] Where?
Bluebottle: Where that dirty big saw hitted my nut! You rotten nut-hitting swine you! [Aside] Does body racked with sobs pose - as done by Robert Newton after seeing income tax returns.
Seagoon: Right. Eccles, you come with us. Bloodnok - you stay here. Bluebottle - lead on!
Bluebottle: Forward! Pulls hat well down over eyes, but pulls it up as cannot see where I'm going. Come, follow me
Seagoon: So - you're the leader of the rebels?
Grytpype: Yes - now, who are you?
Seagoon: I won't talk! Never!
Grytpype: [Calls] The branding irons!
Seagoon: I'm Neddie Seagoon.
Grytpype: Oh? Where's Fred Nurke?
Seagoon: I don't know.
Grytpype: So that's where he is. Right, Moriarty? Well go at once to the Embassy - and bring back their banana tree.
Seagoon: You won't succeed - it's guarded by Major Dennis Bloodnok.
[Laughs] The poor fools - the moment they step out - Fred Nurke will get them - Heh, heh, heh - they go to their doom!
FX: [Phone rings - receiver off hook]
Seagoon: Hello?
Fred Nurke (distorted): Is that the rebel H.Q.?
Seagoon: Yes, but I'm in the middle of -
Fred Nurke: Right, you swines - this is Fred Nurke, and this is my banana night - in three seconds a time-bomb explodes in your room, ha ha!
Seagoon: Three seconds - I've got to get out of here at once!
Greenslade: Will Seagoon get out in time?
FX: [Explosion]
Greenslade: Oh, hard luck - still, he tried. But was his sacrifice worthwhile? Did Bloodnok save the banana tree?
FX: [Tree cracking]
Bloodnok: Timber!!!
FX: [Tree crashing]
Greenslade: That was The Goon Show, a recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan with the Ray Ellington Quartet and Max Geldray. Script by Spike Milligan. Announcer: Wallace Greenslade.
Writing down these Goon scripts is very time-consuming. I hope the roads clear up tomorrow so I can take a bike ride instead.
I posted my blog and was caught up on my journal at 18:00.
I weighed 86.7 kilos in the early evening.
I edited the four videos of fluorescent lights down to about 28 seconds altogether. I only need about a tenth of that for my video of Instructions For Electroshock Therapy.
I checked my grades online but so far only the Shakespeare results have been posted. I got an A on my test and I got 100% for the participation mark. The official mark for the whole course has yet to be posted. Hopefully, those marks will work against the horrible essay grade and bring me up to an A -.
I worked on my poem series My Blood In A Bug.
I spent about half an hour editing the graffiti in my photo “Anti Gravity's Rainbow.”
I had a potato with gravy and a chicken leg while watching The Suicide Squad.
Even James Gunn and Margot Robbie can't keep a DC film from being lame. Throw in characters with ridiculous powers, a lot of exploding guts, and gratuitous death meant to be funny, make a bad story seem deliberately stupid so as to give the illusion of self-awareness, but it still won't achieve a tenth of the class of the lamest Marvel picture.
Amanda Waller the head of ARGUS sends two Suicide Squad teams to a fake South American country to stop Project Starfish that was started many years before by the Nazis. The US ignored it before but now the country of Corto Maltese is hostile to the US and so they want the project destroyed. The super-powered prisoners all have bombs in their heads that will be remotely triggered if anyone goes off mission. Colonel Flag's team includes Harley Quinn. When they dropped the team into the water no one had thought to ask if they could all swim and the ridiculous Weasel drowns. The only apparent survivors of the first battle are Flag and Harley. That team was meant as a sacrifice anyway to let the other team led by Bloodsport in. His team consists of the psychotically patriotic Peacemaker, the extremely dumb and innocent King Shark, Ratcatcher, and Polka Dot Man. Harley gets captured but it turns out it's by the handsome ruler of the country and he wants to marry her to make himself more popular because the people of his country love Harley Quinn. They make love and she agrees to marry him but then when he says he is willing to kill children for his aims she shoots him because that's a red flag in a boyfriend. The team finds Flag and he joins their mission but when he hears that Harley is being held captive he arranges for a rescue. Harley is being tortured while hung by her wrists and singing “Just A Gigolo.” She falls unconscious but not really. While the guard's guard is down she wraps her legs around his neck and kills him. Then she gets the keys with her toes and unlocks her cuffs. The next few minutes are really the only great part of the film as she escapes. She gets out just as the team is about to storm the building and rescue her.
Project Starfish involves experiments on a giant starfish from outer space called Starro. When Flag learns that the US has been funding these experiments he takes the hard drive containing the information with plans on exposing the US. But Peacemaker kills him. Ratcatcher takes the hard drive and Peacemaker is going to kill her too when Bloodsport intervenes. They fight and Bloodsport kills Peacemaker. The ridiculous-looking monster Starro breaks loose and the team decides to stay and try to stop it. Waller is about to explode the bombs in their brains when her own employees at headquarters knock her out. Polka Dot Man can only kill if he envisions his victim as his mother and so Bloodsport tells him Starro is his mom. He shoots polka dots that cut through the legs of Starro but the monster falls on Polka Dot Man and kills him. Ratcatcher orders millions of rats to attack Starro and they climb up its body. Harley dives into Starro's eye and the rats follow her to eat the monster from inside, thus destroying it.
In the end, The Weasel and Peacemaker turn up alive. Peacemaker is brought back to life because a TV series is planned to feature the character.
King Shark's voice was that of Sylvester Stallone.
Ratcatcher was played by Portuguese actor and model Daniela Melchior in her first English role. She won a Sophia award for her role in Parque Mayer and will be starring in the upcoming movie Assassin Club.
I stayed up for an extra half hour to write about the movie so it wouldn't cut into my time tomorrow morning.
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